She walked out one me after 10 years!

[Ganz7]

It will be ok.

 

We struggle through these relationships hoping that if we put enough effort in then it will work but to be blunt it takes two to tango. You can't have a relationship with out the other person making an effort too. It goes for anything friendships, relatives, lovers, work mates... True, I am always aware with friendships you never take them fro granted and should always nuture them. It should be the same for relationships.

 

Oh the stories I could tell you about my ex. My Grandfather died a couple of years ago and I was very close to him. I was so upset about it but managed to hold it together until just before the funeral when it suddenly occurred to me that he would never see me get married. Dad isn't terribly good at some things so I wanted Grandpa to walk me down the isle if and when it happens (then Dad could blub away to himself and not have to worry about who sees him!). Grandpa would have loved this. Now its never going to happen. He wanted to see me happy and to have a marriage like he did with Granny. I started crying (first time since he died) and my ex asked what my problem was. I explained and his response was to reply "I don't know why its bothering you as I am never going to marry you" and go back to watching TV. The response in itself was bad enough but the delivery of that response was heartless, callus and cruel. I was actually more upset about that than him leaving me to die. By that point it was just another way in which he let me down. I felt more "alone" while I was in that relationship than I do now that I am single. I totally agree with you on this one. In fact the last three years I felt more alone whilst she was always out with friends and we hardly socialised apart from one night a week. Looking back it was all over (from her view) probably about 4 years ago as I stopped getting the invites to her parents abroad.

 

There were the other women. That was a good one. He wasn't even clever enough to hide it. All of a sudden after I found out about that the phone was hidden and texts deleted etc... I used to check his texts as he would often agree to go to things and invite people round then forget about it... The times he "loaned" me money that I had to pay back but the times I "gave" him money so he could carry on with what he wanted to do. I earnt less yet paid more and carried more responsibility. The stampy feet and childlike moods and tantrums. I know 4 year olds that deal with their tempers better than him. It could be over anything... If I made salad instead of feeding him pizza for example... I gave up eating salad when he was around to avoid the tantrums.

 

One BIG mistake I made was to get involved with someone else who was fairly (6 months) new out of a long term relationship. Avoid this like the plague if you can, or go very very slowly with it, as you can end up being a rebound and not notice until you are hurting like hell or end up using someone who is lovely as a rebound with out meaning to. Give yourself time. Yep, I feel like that at the moment andf am not looking. When it all ended 8 weeks ago I was like desperate to date again but then realised I wasn't anywhere over my relationship and it would remind me what I had missed even more. I'm happy to take my time. Not putting myself under pressure.

 

After all this I really did put my foot down. I had several arguments with people I knew/ know. They did not like it at all but it was when their behavior sucked like a Dyson. Lol !!!! :laugh:There is one woman in particular who still struggles with it but I remain consistent and don't back down and she is learning to treat me with a bit of dignity and respect. Its been a hard lesson for her I can tell you! You know I think one of the reasons she stayed in bed a lot and didn't really contribute in the relationship was that I 'allowed' her to continue this behaviour. My sister said she saw my ex on Friday in the surgery at 9am with her bf who was there for an appointment. I couldn't believe she would be there for his sake that early. Clearly he is teaching her new lessons she was never able to learn from me.

 

Life changes. We have good patches and bad patches but as long as you can act with some decorum during the bad and pick yourself up (even if you do need some help to get there) and carry on it does get better again and you learn how to look after yourself.

 

Give yourself time. Do the things you enjoy. Don't sweat over the things she did. Its the past so let it go, let it stay in the past and look to the future and think about how you would like that to be. Then work on that. You are right I've got to let it go. I need to think about how I would like the future to look like. I've been spreading myself thin with work and friends and arranging nights out. Dwelling on the past. The only thing is I keep finding out that my friends bump into her and my sister saw her last week. Then it becomes a talking point and I cannot resist the temptation to chat about it. I need to be stronger I know. It's almost like I keep hoping she will txt wondering how i'm getting on. I need to let go. I need to think about how I would like the future to look like. [/QUOTE]

 

Cheers Toodles! Your post was a great help. It's put me back on track as I was slightly derailed this week. Glad you are in a better place too. I bumped into a friend who was telling me what had happened to him and how he had to build his life three times in the past. It was ever so interesting. I'll post it when I can this week.

[Toodaloo]

Cheers Toodles! Your post was a great help. It's put me back on track as I was slightly derailed this week. Glad you are in a better place too. I bumped into a friend who was telling me what had happened to him and how he had to build his life three times in the past. It was ever so interesting. I'll post it when I can this week.

 

Glad your back on track.

 

Life goes in cycles. You have ups you have downs.

 

When its down you just have to get on with it and work your way through it. When its up you gotta remember the joy for when you are down!

 

Another bit of advice I will give you is stop talking about her. When people bring the subject up just say you don't want to hear it and you don't want to know what she is doing with this new man. In all honesty she hasn't been seeing him long so will still be on "best behavior", she probably isn't learning life lessons just hooking another bloke, I bet she wasn't like that with you in the beginning was she? So the person she is at the moment is not the person who was with you, its not the person she actually is. Someone that lazy and selfish will revert back to their old ways eventually. Feel sorry for the bloke and keep away both physically and emotionally. Ask your friends and family to help you by not talking about her.

 

I have just started thinking about dating again and I have to say I struggle with being bothered with it. I am happier, healthier and more sociable than I have been for years and I am really enjoying that. Struggling to find someone who is also active who is interested in me. The chaps that seem to be interested in real life don't seem to progress the conversation on to going any where. I am guessing that they are probably already in relationships so I don't push. On Line its just very dull blokes that sit around in the evenings getting drunk watching TV... not my idea of fun at all as I tend to go out to classes and visiting etc several times a week... The more active ones don't seem to be interested at all. Getting pretty fed up of my male friends telling me how gorgeous and wonderful I am but no bites from suitable singletons in any direction... agh well at least I am having fun!

 

Life is far too short and unexpected to waste away.

[Ganz7]

Glad your back on track.

 

Life goes in cycles. You have ups you have downs.

 

When its down you just have to get on with it and work your way through it. When its up you gotta remember the joy for when you are down!

 

Another bit of advice I will give you is stop talking about her. When people bring the subject up just say you don't want to hear it and you don't want to know what she is doing with this new man. In all honesty she hasn't been seeing him long so will still be on "best behavior", You are right! she probably isn't learning life lessons just hooking another bloke, That's what I think. She just hopped from me to him. She didn't get a job, didn't find her own apartment, didn't even clear her stuff out when she left and just took one suitcase! I bet she wasn't like that with you in the beginning was she? So the person she is at the moment is not the person who was with you, its not the person she actually is. Agreed! When she was with me for the first six months (maybe) she made some effort but that didn't last. Then on I had to ask politely for some contribution. Someone that lazy and selfish will revert back to their old ways eventually. Hate to say it but I'm kind of hoping so..! I feel hard done by that she abandoned me after so long and cheated on me to boot . Like Trump says I want to .."get even" Feel sorry for the bloke and keep away both physically and emotionally. Ask your friends and family to help you by not talking about her. This is true. Talking about her sometimes make me dream where she is in the dream. I really hate these dreams because I start the day with the dream still fresh in memory.

 

I have just started thinking about dating again and I have to say I struggle with being bothered with it. Hey, I'm like that that too at the moment. I am happier, healthier and more sociable than I have been for years and I am really enjoying that. Struggling to find someone who is also active who is interested in me. The chaps that seem to be interested in real life don't seem to progress the conversation on to going any where. I am guessing that they are probably already in relationships so I don't push. On Line its just very dull blokes that sit around in the evenings getting drunk watching TV...Lol! not my idea of fun at all as I tend to go out to classes and visiting etc several times a week... The more active ones don't seem to be interested at all. Getting pretty fed up of my male friends telling me how gorgeous and wonderful I am but no bites from suitable singletons in any direction... agh well at least I am having fun!

 

Life is far too short and unexpected to waste away.

 

 

Hi Toodles

 

Again, you didn't disapoint in your reply. I read your posts really sloooowly as I don't want it to end!

 

Just to keep you update recently I've just had one whole day where I hardly thought about the ex!!! I actually focused on myself and what I want. I started reading Donald Trump's "Think BIG and Kick Ass!" book. It got me thinking about me and my next move. Don't normally look up to business types but I admit there are a lot of truths in his book that ring true about myself. He says ideas are free so why not think big! Anyway, it stops me thinking about my ex and get's me thinking about me.

 

Like yourself i'm actually not too bothered about looking for someone immediately as I'm looking to get myself in gear first. Things always come to you when you are not looking for it anyway. I'm actually ok with the idea of being with myself if I don't meet someone - but of course I really would want to meet up with someone and not just anyone but someone who just makes you excited and happy.

 

A few days ago I joined a meetup group of people who just want to go out and socialise. We are meeting this evening in some local bars. Shame you're not in the UK (I presume you are not..) as you could have joined me. It would have been a real laugh i think. So i'm going on my own. It's the first meetup for me and it may just be a disaster but I'm not afraid if it fails. I'm even forgoing meeting my regular freinds on Friday night as I think I need to change my routine otherwise nothing changes.

 

Going to classes and keeping yourself active is a great thing. Sorry for being nosey but what classes are you going to?

 

I've been spreading myself extreemly thin because I think keeping yourself socially active will get you many more friends. The good circle of friends I have have kept me going through the 'crisis'.

 

Good friends, good company and good food. The pleasure we get from these few simple things in life.

[Toodaloo]

Hey Ganz

 

Glad to hear you are getting there. It does take a while but keep going.

 

At the moment its just yoga and the occasional ice Skating lesson from a friend (young at 16 so she mostly scoots off while taking the tiddle out of me!!!). I am looking at getting back into dance but haven't found the type of dance I want to do locally yet so may have to settle for something like Zumba. I really want to do Belly dancing and Ballroom dancing. But hey ho. Something will crop up at some point. I want to get back into learning Italian again and I just go out and keep trying things and learning about new things. I have always loved music but never actually been able to hold a conversation about it or gone out and brought the music I like and now I am hearing things and making notes and searching for things that I like. I am going through a real old school (Vera Lynn, Peggy Lee, Frank Sinatra) phase at the moment but have heard some cracking country and western and I am also loving much of the Vivaldi I have heard so I want to look into those next and investigate the different genres a bit more and find more...!

 

I saw some current pictures of my ex the other day. He has got fatter. He now has rolls of fat from above his knees coming down over them... The clothes that were loose when he left are now tight and I just think I had a really close call there. if we had still been together there is no way I would be contemplating the things I am now booking. I have a 5k run booked for next year. I know for many its nothing but for me I haven't run further than 10 strides for 10 years! I am taking one of my bosses with me whether he likes it or not! I am looking to book my parachute jump at the end of January ready for me to do in April/ May time. I also need to book a monster trucks thing I saw. Don't know if I am going to like that one but my brother is very excited about it and was polite for a change when I rang him early in the morning to say I had seen it! Normally I get a swear word swiftly followed by off with calls to him before 7am!

 

I love the simple things in life but have come to realise its going to take someone pretty damned special that I can trust to enable me to enjoy them... Snuggles on the sofa seems a far more frightening prospect to me than swimming with sharks (and I am terrified of fish). So for the time being I am going to concentrate on friends and family and carry on doing nutty things. They think I am mad but they are loving it! "Life is not about the amount of breaths you take but the amount of moments that take your breath away" (Hitch). While I have stolen that from a film about romance it actually counts for singletons too. Life can be taken away so quickly and for no reason. Best to make the most of it while you can.

 

Real life isn't what people tend to see when looking from the outside. What goes on behind closed doors is very different. I have been speaking to a cousin recently and discovered that he had been shot many years ago. Currently I am the only family member that knows that... I am a second or third cousin to him (gets confusing when you know all your family) and know something that really his mother should know... People are like onions (Shrek) they have layers so just take your time and go easy on yourself. Look after yourself. Half the time we don't even know what our own layers are until someone peels them back and takes a peek.

 

Books are great. I read one about breaking your addiction to another person and while it didn't help much as it proved I am not addicted to anyone it did help me recognise behaviors in others.

 

I have heard about the meet up groups but not really looked into them - whats it about? Yes I am in the UK. Spell check keeps changing my words to the american version and I also come up with some Americanisms as I have friends over there that I talk to regularly.

[Ganz7]

Hi Toodles

 

I've just wiped out an hours worth of work in my reply:eek: Hit the back button and lost all the post. I hate this laptop and it's twitchy touchpad!!!

 

Gonna do it all again tomorrow as it's so late now. I'll tell you about the meetup group.

[Ganz7]

Hey Ganz

 

Glad to hear you are getting there. It does take a while but keep going. Cheers!

 

At the moment its just yoga and the occasional ice Skating lesson from a friend (young at 16 so she mostly scoots off while taking the tiddle out of me!!!). I am looking at getting back into dance but haven't found the type of dance I want to do locally yet so may have to settle for something like Zumba. I really want to do Belly dancing and Ballroom dancing. But hey ho. Sounds good. Something will crop up at some point. I want to get back into learning Italian again and I just go out and keep trying things and learning about new things. I have always loved music but never actually been able to hold a conversation about it or gone out and brought the music I like and now I am hearing things and making notes and searching for things that I like. I am going through a real old school (Vera Lynn, Peggy Lee, Frank Sinatra) phase at the moment but have heard some cracking country and western and I am also loving much of the Vivaldi I have heard so I want to look into those next and investigate the different genres a bit more and find more...! I used to play in a band myself. I remember I actually taught myself to read and write music whilst I was in a job! The job was minding a machine that meant I had lots of time to keep myself occupied. Needless to say I evetually dumped the job which was probably the only time I've ever dumped something.

 

I saw some current pictures of my ex the other day. He has got fatter. He now has rolls of fat from above his knees coming down over them... The clothes that were loose when he left are now tight and I just think I had a really close call there. Phew, think you did. if we had still been together there is no way I would be contemplating the things I am now booking. I have a 5k run booked for next year. I know for many its nothing but for me I haven't run further than 10 strides for 10 years! I am taking one of my bosses with me whether he likes it or not! Lol! I am looking to book my parachute jump at the end of January ready for me to do in April/ May time. I also need to book a monster trucks thing I saw. Don't know if I am going to like that one but my brother is very excited about it and was polite for a change when I rang him early in the morning to say I had seen it! Normally I get a swear word swiftly followed by off :laugh: with calls to him before 7am!

 

I love the simple things in life but have come to realise its going to take someone pretty damned special that I can trust to enable me to enjoy them... Snuggles on the sofa seems a far more frightening prospect to me than swimming with sharks (and I am terrified of fish) Totally get you. . So for the time being I am going to concentrate on friends and family and carry on doing nutty things. They think I am mad but they are loving it! "Life is not about the amount of breaths you take but the amount of moments that take your breath away" I guess even break ups can be classed as taking your breath away. My break up certainly left me speechless! (Hitch). While I have stolen that from a film about romance it actually counts for singletons too. Life can be taken away so quickly and for no reason. Best to make the most of it while you can.

 

Real life isn't what people tend to see when looking from the outside. What goes on behind closed doors is very different. I have been speaking to a cousin recently and discovered that he had been shot many years ago. Currently I am the only family member that knows that... I am a second or third cousin to him (gets confusing when you know all your family) and know something that really his mother should know... People are like onions (Shrek) they have layers so just take your time and go easy on yourself. Look after yourself. Half the time we don't even know what our own layers are until someone peels them back and takes a peek. This is so true Toodles. Sometimes we're scared of peeling back the layers ourselves unless we are forced to do so. When I look at people now my thoughts are: what issues are they coping with.

 

Books are great. I read one about breaking your addiction to another person and while it didn't help much as it proved I am not addicted to anyone it did help me recognise behaviors in others. Do you remember what the book was called. Why didn't it help much?

 

I have heard about the meet up groups but not really looked into them - whats it about? Yes I am in the UK. Spell check keeps changing my words to the american version and I also come up with some Americanisms as I have friends over there that I talk to regularly.

 

Hey Toodles I found my post :D It must have been cached in my browser and I didn't have to rewrite it which would have been a real pain. Phew!

 

Great to read your post. Wow, you're from the UK too. I thought you were an American cousin! Funny how we use Americanisms.

 

Dragging one of your bosses out for the run made me laugh a lot. Do it!!! He probably needs to be taken out his comfort zone. 5K is a lot to me and I consider myself fit!! I can do about 1 mile and that's it. Pathetic I know. Running is a killer, it's painful. Although I'm no dancing expert i do find dancing is a great way of getting trim as it uses the core muscles. A strong core give good posture.

 

Sounds like you have got lots of events planned. That's what I'm trying to do. I know it sounds crazy but a friend told me of a break up he had a few years ago. He was so down on himself that he sought professional help. However, after so many sessions the therapist or shrink didn't think continuing the sessions were beneficial anymore. It was at this moment that my friend got up, patted himself down (probably a dusty room) and thanked the therapist for his help and that from this day he would not be seeing my friend anymore. At this point in his life he decided to rebuild his house! The thnking behind this decision was: by rebuilding his house he would erase memories and provide a fresh new start. Also, he said he had to "kill himself" (with the house rebuild) in order to 'save' his life from the depression that threatened to destroy him. By throwing himself into the rebuild he got so exhausted at the end of the day that he had no time to dwell on his ex. He said that after one month of this work regime he stopped thinking about his ex entirely!

 

That book you read sounds interesting. I've also been watching some Tony Robbins videos on YouTube. I've heard about this guy before but I guess watching his videos now is having more of an impact in light of my current situation. Watching these vids also gets me to think about myself and what I want to do.

 

I had a work's 'do' in a pub on Friday. Whilst chatting to a work colleague who works in another dept I eventually got round to saying what a crap year I've had with the breakup etc. It's amazing that just about everyone I've spoken to has had a major breakup at some point in their life. Anyway, this colleague told me how his ex dumped him for someone else after 8 years together. During their time together he had paid for everthing (rent and costs). When his ex finished the relationship and found somebody else he said continued to ket her live in his place even though she said it was over!! The thinking behind this was that he was hoping that somehow she would see the error of her ways and decied to rekindle their relationship! Love eh? It makes us blind!! Of course, he said this never happened and that she used him. He looks back on this now and laughs at how he could have let her continue living at his place when she was seeing another guy. Needless to say he met someone else and has been happily married for ten years now. So there is light at the end of the tunnel!

 

Meetups.. Well, I was scheduled to meet up my meetup group on Friday night. The meetup group is Find your people - Meetup. I registered with the website ( I think it's free) so I could look at what meetup groups are in my area. I signed up with a meetup group who want 'more to life than just work'. The group meet up on a Friday night for drinks, socialising and fun in a vibrant area in Leicester.. (believe it or not there are vibrant areas in my city.. I had no choice being born there but hey..). Anyway, this meetup date had been building up nicely all week (you get to see how many people are going and some people post comments. If you are going to turn up you click on the RSVP button on the webpage of your meet group. RSVP is a request for response (French: répondez s'il vous plaît). This informs the organiser who is going to turn up. The thing I like about meetup groups is that everyone that potentialy turns up is there for the same reasons as everyone esle: to socialise and make new friends - and secretly hoping they may meet 'the one'!!!

 

Friday night came around and I knew there would be over 50 people turning up in this trendy bar. Did I turn up... No! I'm ashamed to say that I was at my xmas works pub 'do' slightly longer than expected. Then I went over to play some tennis (it's the only sport I do and have been playing since I was young). After the match I socialised a bit as I didn't want to appear rude by leaving early and so I decided not to go and stay with my friends.

 

Well, I was quite disapointed in myself that I had not gone to the meetup. I want to change and start a new chapter in life and this would have been a first step in doing so and yet I sat back and enjoyed the company of my friends for the evening (something I have done for the past ten years). I was angry with my moment of weakness. I went for the easy option of staying with my friends at the club instead of meeting up with the meetup group.

 

I think in order to really change your life you have to change age old habits too. It's difficult but has to be done. Anyway, I found out that the same group is meeting up on New Years Eve in another bar and I am definitely going!!! What are you up to over the xmas holidays?

Edited December 22, 2014 by Ganz7

[Toodaloo]

Hi Ganz

 

Glad you are doing well.

 

I had a look for meet up groups in my area. There is not much (mostly drinking) but there was a walking one that I may look into joining, if anything it will be great just to seek out some new routes. To be honest I think half my problem is that I do not drink much at all and am very much an early riser rather than a night owl. 5:30am is not what I consider to be all that early where as most think that is the middle of the night still.

 

Christmas was busy spent with family and each day has been pretty full on. Will be glad to have a couple of days mooching about quietly with the dogs and getting everything into ship shape again. How was yours?

 

No wild parties here. New Year will be spent with my brother, with us all probably falling asleep! I want to get up early and go and see the sun rise on New Years Day so I will not be out too late.

 

I think most people have been there at some point. The great thing is that once you heal you can love again and go on to have a wonderful full life. So things actually are not so bad. We all have bad phases in life but we can move on and enjoy the good. Glad that you seem to be getting there.

[Ganz7]

Hi Ganz

 

Glad you are doing well.

 

I had a look for meet up groups in my area. There is not much (mostly drinking) but there was a walking one that I may look into joining, if anything it will be great just to seek out some new routes. To be honest I think half my problem is that I do not drink much at all and am very much an early riser rather than a night owl. 5:30am is not what I consider to be all that early where as most think that is the middle of the night still.

 

Christmas was busy spent with family and each day has been pretty full on. Will be glad to have a couple of days mooching about quietly with the dogs and getting everything into ship shape again. How was yours?

 

No wild parties here. New Year will be spent with my brother, with us all probably falling asleep! I want to get up early and go and see the sun rise on New Years Day so I will not be out too late.

 

I think most people have been there at some point. The great thing is that once you heal you can love again and go on to have a wonderful full life. So things actually are not so bad. We all have bad phases in life but we can move on and enjoy the good. Glad that you seem to be getting there.

 

Hi Toodaloo

 

I'm glad you got back. Thought I may have been too 'heavy' with my last post and scared you off - but what was I thinking... you're Toodles!

 

Yeah, there are other meetup groups which are not just going to bars. Like you say there are ones for walking routes. I'm a member of a computing meetup too. Exciting no? I'm going to the meetup one this Wednesday (NYE) with an old friend. We'll probably regress back to teenagers and have a right laugh! We will too!

 

I must admit I am a bit of a vampyre. When I do get up early, which is not often, it hurts my eyes and I turn into dust:eek:. Having said that I have to get up tomorrow at 7am and it's 1.10am as I type!!! As you probably have guessed I'm one of those vamps than can get away with it by wearing sunglasses 5.30am... respect!!!

 

Your Christmas sounds pretty much like mine was. Spent with my mum, sister, brother in law and three nieces. Pretty much chilled until one of my nieces was viewing my ex's facebook, without my permission, and informed everyone that my ex was now getting married. I counldn't tell her off as she is only 14 years old. Well, it wasn't what I wanted to hear on Christmas day. It's not that I harbour any desires to get back with my ex it's just I don't want to hear anything about my ex period! So I've told my sister that NC means exactly that for all and sundry. Did put a 'please' at the end of the request.

 

Boxing day I was on a low but forced myself to visit my aunty. When I got there my cousin was there. I haven't seen him for a few years and didn't even recognise him at first. Can you believe I actually asked him who he was? He said he didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing. Anyway, in the end all was good and all three of use chatted and ate and drank till midnight. Cheered me up no end.

 

I usually find the begining of the day is where it hits me worse but I don't understand why but just accept this is the way its gonna be. But I have good friends, support from yourself and LS has been great but ultimately I have to help myself to get through this and I will!

 

The worse is always where I am alone in a busy crowded place where everyone is a couple and there are families about. I think.. that could have been me had I played my cards right:(

 

You know what though I am not going to let this ex affect me like this any more!!!! I'm through with this self-inflicted suffering (because that's what it is).

 

2015 will be a new chapter in my personal life as I hope it will be for everyone here on LS.

 

Toodles, have a great NYE! Best wishes for the New Year. As they say in my mother's tongue: Feliz Ano Nuevo!!!

Edited December 30, 2014 by Ganz7

[Toodaloo]

Ah Spanish! I am not up with Spanish at all I am afraid.

 

Well isn't that guy a fool? Poor chap. They may be engaged but it also may not last. I know many an engagement to go on for years and not get to an actual marriage. Given that they have only been together 5 minutes I really shouldn't worry. I know it feels like a kick in the teeth but as you have learnt the hard way - she isn't all that. That poor sod is soon to be stuck with it! Feel sorry for him if you need to feel anything at all. Thank God its not you.

 

Do you have an alarm that you can set to play music? If so set it to play a really up beat song that is really positive. An old college friend always used to play "Walking on Sunshine" each morning when we were in halls and even now that song makes me laugh and smile. Then instead of walking up to an alarm or "just another day" you wake up to someone singing at you about good things may help you get over the first "hump" each morning.

 

As for being in crowds of people... Well each and every single one of those people has problems. They may have just lost a parent or been made redundant. They may be having problems conceiving or might have just had medical problems. What ever they are each one of us has worries and problems. My ex used to hold my hand all the time, even up until the end, and in all honesty he really didn't love me. He was only doing it for social validation. I saw him after we split up at a party and everyone else there was in couples so he started acting as though we were still a couple. Bringing up silly stories or daft things we did... To the point where a few people asked if we were back together... It still could be you. You could still be the one with family etc. Just because you don't have it now doesn't mean that it is written off. Also look closer. You will see that some of those people are not in couples or with families. They are normally the ones with their heads down trying to get away quickly. Take a good look around you in these situations you will find they are not as they first appear.

 

Happy New Year to you Ganz and go get yourself back.

 

I am already booked out through January... No idea if thats a good thing or not as feeling very run down... Spent the coldest night this week searching for my dogs... rascals ran off hunting on the worst night ever and I ended up out in -5, thick fog, overgrown hedgerows etc looking for them until gone 2am... then up again at 6... I was so glad to get them back that I forgot to tell them off. Already had to cancel and rearrange a night out! Feel like my chest is going to explode every time I cough.

 

Back to work on Monday... and I have also managed to loose the keys for one of my offices...

 

Keep marching forwards. 2015 is going to be a good year!

[Ganz7]

Happy New Year Toodaloo!

 

Toodaloo, just when I think you have given some of the best advice I've had.. you deliver yet again.. with some real gems! Loved the first paragraph. A side of me thinks yeah.. Thank God it wasn't me!! He now has all the bad luck. I wish I could even warn him in some way but he is probably happy with his lot. I certainly wasn't; if i'm honest with myself.

 

I really like the suggestion of waking up to some upbeat music. What a great Idea! You're right, the alarm I use is just another day drone. Thinking of the endless possibilties of songs I could have as a wake up tone.

 

You know I think you are right about being in a crowd of people. The odds are everyone of them must have their own personal battles and challenges. How true that is. And, we certainly do have our worries. I like the point you made about your ex doing something for pure social validation. I don't want to disparage him but that seemed like he was just thinking about himself using you in that way. Yes, next time I am in crowd of people I tell you... I will take a massive amount of comfort recalling what you said in your post. It's something I was guilty of.. not really looking at what was or is actually happening. We all think we see what is happening but actually are we really looking close enough. Maybe people need to do that in their relationships. With hindsight I wish I had done. Thanks for that Toodles.

 

Glad you found the dogs. It was funny that you forgot to tell them off after all that effort finding them Lol!

 

Yes, the last two weeks for me has been non-stop activity. It actually made my cold worse and now I have stopped all the frantic engagements and back to work the cold symptoms have really kicked in. Got a throaty cough too and going to see my gp to get some anti-biotics as i've had it for nearly two weeks now and it's starting to irritate me and my throat.

 

I lost the keys to my office once and it was a real pain to get some replacements as they were master keys too. I was without them for four weeks and had to ask colleagues to lend me their keys for a month. When my ex dropped her keys off to my flat I noticed she had two of my office master keys on her keyring!! Thanks ex!

 

Going to kick myself up the backside to get 2015 going. The partying has stopped now (for me) and it's time for planning and making 2015 the year we want it to be!

 

Ganz

[Toodaloo]

Well I found the office keys in the waste trap on the washing machine... At least they are clean for the new year!

 

I wouldn't stop all the going out etc (unless your cold is still bad) but perhaps temper it down so you can keep up.

 

Think of Robin Williams. In almost every photo you will find of him his mouth is smiling but his eyes tell a very different story. I have always found looking at him haunting. Things are never as they seem from the outset. There are times when its appropriate to look at the bigger picture but as the saying goes the "Devil is in the detail". You are right though. My ex was a very selfish person. Its just who he was and most of what he did was because he was thinking about himself and not others. Its not just me he treated badly but also others close to him. I can't stand people like that. Yes they may be nice enough and you can introduce them to mother but the whole selfish thing... I can't deal with it.

 

Don't worry about this new bloke. I am afraid you are not the person to break that news and he can find out for himself.

 

Busy weekend this weekend. I am looking forward to it but I have also been bit of a pillock so am also a bit nervous. Completely my fault and we shall see. We all make mistakes and one of mine is being "too nice". Really have got to work on that one this year.

 

Even still not a bad start. Just got to keep it going now!

[Ganz7]

Well I found the office keys in the waste trap on the washing machine... At least they are clean for the new year!

 

I wouldn't stop all the going out etc (unless your cold is still bad) but perhaps temper it down so you can keep up.

 

Think of Robin Williams. In almost every photo you will find of him his mouth is smiling but his eyes tell a very different story. I have always found looking at him haunting. Things are never as they seem from the outset. There are times when its appropriate to look at the bigger picture but as the saying goes the "Devil is in the detail". You are right though. My ex was a very selfish person. Its just who he was and most of what he did was because he was thinking about himself and not others. Its not just me he treated badly but also others close to him. I can't stand people like that. Yes they may be nice enough and you can introduce them to mother but the whole selfish thing... I can't deal with it.

 

Don't worry about this new bloke. I am afraid you are not the person to break that news and he can find out for himself.

 

Busy weekend this weekend. I am looking forward to it but I have also been bit of a pillock so am also a bit nervous. Completely my fault and we shall see. We all make mistakes and one of mine is being "too nice". Really have got to work on that one this year.

 

Even still not a bad start. Just got to keep it going now!

 

 

Lol! Keys can turn up in the weirdest of places! You're right everyone makes mistakes. Think you'll be ok. You might get some banter about losing the keys though. Let it go in one ear and exit the other ear. It's like spilling some tomato ketchup on your shirt. It's an inconvenience but isn't going to kill you.

 

I used to think I was too nice too in past relationships. So, with the ex I was a bit 'strict'. This probably didn't help the relationship.

 

With hindsight I think 'just be yourself' but hey, anything to improve the model is not a bad thing. Thing is, changing oneself is really hard, at least for some people. You can change your job/career change but to change an aspect of your personality is really difficult. It seems easier to let yourself be yourself but sometimes in some situations or relationships this is not the best option.

 

I could do do with some furry animals to look after. Dogs are great. One day I hope to own some. Dogs liked to be walked in the morning so there is a good enough reason for waking early.

 

One of the things I want to do is to be able to wake up really early but I'm a night owl so invariably go to bed really late (as you probably seen from some of my post times..). When I find myself again - if I ever get my old self back, I'll be able to implement these changes. One of the reasons I want to wake early is that when I oversleep I end up dreaming. Worse still, my ex enter my dreams. In the dreams I am usually so happy to see my ex or trying to do things to get her back..!! This horrifies me when I wake up. Moreover, it's a bad way to start the day with the residue of the dream lingering around for the first half hour. The irony is that when we were together she only ever entered my dreams once. Since the breakup it's close approaching double figures! The things breakups do to you. It sucks!

 

So what happened to me last week: the sudden urge of wanting to write an email to my ex to express my feelings and anger about the way she betrayed me and walked away from me, my family and my friends. I re-read the all new NC on LS and that sort of passified me.

 

I don't know why I suddenly felt this urge to email her. It was crazy. I would be running drafts of the email in my head on the way to work, at work and after work. Anyway, in the end I didn't write that email. I didn't see the point. It would be a bitter rant that would only reinforce her decision to walk out on me. It may have even allowed allow her to exploit an opportunity to seek forgiveness from herself by feeding me scraps of pretentious empathy.

 

Facebook and Linkedin has been great to catch up with old friends. Interestingly, I saw one of my ex's female friends viewing my Linkedin profile. I'd always liked her as a person so I sent an invite to connect. Needless to say I didn't hear anything for a week but then, a couple of days ago, she accepted my inivtation. That made me feel good that there are good people out there just like yourself Toodles. Kind of reinforces my faith in the human race.

 

I don't think my ex really appreciated how good some of her friends are. Invariably, I used to defend her friends when my ex criticised them.

 

I don't really know and understand why I seek out her freinds. I've thought about it and here is my take on it. I know there could never be the chance of reconcilation or even freindship after the betrayal so I can only put it down to filling a void. She walked out, I wasn't expecting it, and in a sense I too need to slowly walk away or wean myself away from the relationship. My ex had probably been falling out of love with me for the past couple of years. That's why I'm doing it. If i'm also honest, I'm still looking to paint the real picture of what happened.

 

My friends have been a great support. In fact, when they ask whether I've heard anything form the ex I really like it. I'd rather they ask than not ask. I had a friend who took a long time to get round the subject of asking. I remember being in conversation and busting to talk about it. It was very frustrating as I pretended to be interested in talking my car problems etc whilst really wanting to talk about the breakup. Lol! I know that at some point I will not want to talk about her again.

 

At the moment a few of my friends are trying to match me up with someone but you know what.. it feels forced so I'm taking time out to look after myself first. Would be nice to live with a someone again though.

 

Talking of living quarters I have been around my apartment recently. I had a fire there after she left, which was strange in itself, and was forced to move out due to smoke damage which made it unlivable. I ended up moving back with mum but still got all my stuff in the flat. The smoke damage has disipated somewhat now but the place I used to consider 'home' is like a museum now. Everything reminds me of the last few years of my life with the ex. The worst time is the evening time. I hate the atmosphere. The flat is dead. Can't believe a place I loved so much as my home has changed forever. Even my computer has 'memories'. At the moment I am trying to reclaim its once homely character but deep down I know it's time to move on and get another place. Everyone else has been saying move out.

 

Anyway, enuff of me and my personal life. Let us know how you get on at work.

 

Ganz

[Toodaloo]

Lol! Keys can turn up in the weirdest of places! You're right everyone makes mistakes. Think you'll be ok. You might get some banter about losing the keys though. Let it go in one ear and exit the other ear. It's like spilling some tomato ketchup on your shirt. It's an inconvenience but isn't going to kill you. The boys let that one go but have been quizzing me on the football results and that is FAR more important to them. Thankfully a few guesses I got it right!

 

With hindsight I think 'just be yourself' but hey, anything to improve the model is not a bad thing. Thing is, changing oneself is really hard, at least for some people. You can change your job/career change but to change an aspect of your personality is really difficult. It seems easier to let yourself be yourself but sometimes in some situations or relationships this is not the best option.

 

It is impossible to act all the time. That is why you may as well cut the cr@p and just be yourself. If you don't suit you don't suit and thats it. No point in wasting time and energy.

 

I could do do with some furry animals to look after. Dogs are great. One day I hope to own some. Dogs liked to be walked in the morning so there is a good enough reason for waking early. PAH! I have one that will get up but the other is a lazy cuss and will happily stay in bed until gone 3pm! Unless its for something really good but it has to be exceptional and if its raining forget she is straight back under the douvet! Dogs are like humans and all are very different. I usually drag the lazy one out she is currently curled up asleep behind me - no shocks there!

 

In the dreams I am usually so happy to see my ex or trying to do things to get her back..!! This horrifies me when I wake up. Moreover, it's a bad way to start the day with the residue of the dream lingering around for the first half hour. The irony is that when we were together she only ever entered my dreams once. Since the breakup it's close approaching double figures! The things breakups do to you. It sucks! Thats not a dream that is a nightmare. They will pass eventually. Like I say try changing your morning routine up a bit and inject something positive, music, your fav coffee...

 

So what happened to me last week: the sudden urge of wanting to write an email to my ex to express my feelings and anger about the way she betrayed me and walked away from me, my family and my friends. I re-read the all new NC on LS and that sort of passified me. I write letters but don't send them. I also tried posting in the confessions bit...

 

I don't really know and understand why I seek out her freinds. I've thought about it and here is my take on it. I know there could never be the chance of reconcilation or even freindship after the betrayal so I can only put it down to filling a void. She walked out, I wasn't expecting it, and in a sense I too need to slowly walk away or wean myself away from the relationship. My ex had probably been falling out of love with me for the past couple of years. That's why I'm doing it. If i'm also honest, I'm still looking to paint the real picture of what happened. You are looking for answers but the answer is very simple. She doesn't love you. Give yourself time and try to stop seeking out her friends etc. Its another way of looking at her Facebook or finding out what she is up to.

 

At the moment a few of my friends are trying to match me up with someone but you know what.. it feels forced so I'm taking time out to look after myself first. Would be nice to live with a someone again though.

 

Talking of living quarters I have been around my apartment recently. I had a fire there after she left, which was strange in itself, and was forced to move out due to smoke damage which made it unlivable. I ended up moving back with mum but still got all my stuff in the flat. The smoke damage has disipated somewhat now but the place I used to consider 'home' is like a museum now. Everything reminds me of the last few years of my life with the ex. The worst time is the evening time. I hate the atmosphere. The flat is dead. Can't believe a place I loved so much as my home has changed forever. Even my computer has 'memories'. At the moment I am trying to reclaim its once homely character but deep down I know it's time to move on and get another place. Everyone else has been saying move out.

 

Anyway, enuff of me and my personal life. Let us know how you get on at work.

 

Ganz

 

Hi Ganz

 

It wasn't work that was a problem.

 

I was meeting up with the separated man I had a very brief thing with. I didn't want to go back to being a drip etc. It actually went really well and I feel very positive. We were friends before everything else so I was missing him terribly and the evening we spent together was great. All very matter of fact and not at all emotional. Its not a situation where I can just cut contact as I spend a lot of time with his daughter and I am afraid I don't think it would be fair for me to "dump" her at a time when she needs me just because her father "dumped" me. The only people that know what went on between us are my close friends and family. His daughter, friends, family and all of the mutual friends we have do not know. They just know that he was happy for a short while before going postal.

 

It was good. I had a great amount of support from friends and family who all got my brain into the right place before I went and who were all very supportive and it actually worked out really well.

 

I do not ever recommend that anyone else do this though as it really has taken a lot out of me and has been very difficult. It would have been far far easier to go no contact and draw a line. I couldn't really take it out on the children though as I know I am important to them and when I tried to pull back a bit they were all on that like a rash. Its not their fault so I am not going to make them suffer. So I stepped back from him. I met up with him at his daughters request because his behavior has really become out of hand and she knows its because he has been miserable...

 

We shall see but at the moment its all good. Nothing to worry or stress about. No romance, or any of that, nothing more than two people who get along spending an evening together. All is going in the right direction and I saw his daughter the following day... it seems to have worked for the time being as he was much happier and calmer when he picked her up from baby sitting after we had parted company.

[dancehead]

Hi Ganz

 

I just read this thread from the start. My goodness I'm sorry to say what a total bitch she was. The deception was incredible. Really sorry for you that she did this to you. As I read your story I knew what was coming. Because many women do not up and leave so easily unless they have another person to go to. Same for men too but I would say not as common. She should have told you the truth. But I suspect she kept from you not to spare your feelings but to ease her own selfish guilt.

 

Its bloody crap being single at Xmas if you have recently split I know. This Xmas was bad for me. (Not the same story but similar) At the moment I can't even go to Asda with all the couples and families shopping around me thinking how that was us. I am how you were probably 2 weeks afterwards.

 

I'm glad you seem to be getting over it now. You really are best off out of it. You will meet someone more deserving of you.

[Toodaloo]

At the moment I can't even go to Asda with all the couples and families shopping around me thinking how that was us.

 

Dancehead. Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys... They are all FULL of single people. THe reason why you are not noticing is that your pain is making you see only what you think you should see.

 

I see more "single" people in ASDA than anywhere else. You can tell who they are by their shopping basket!

 

Give yourself time. Make sure you book some fun things to do and force yourself to do them. Just so you keep going out and being social even if you don't want to.

 

Good luck. This is supposed to be the worst time of year for breaking up so even though you feel it - you are not alone.

[Ganz7]

Hi Ganz

 

It wasn't work that was a problem.

 

I was meeting up with the separated man I had a very brief thing with. I didn't want to go back to being a drip etc. It actually went really well and I feel very positive. We were friends before everything else so I was missing him terribly and the evening we spent together was great. All very matter of fact and not at all emotional. Its not a situation where I can just cut contact as I spend a lot of time with his daughter and I am afraid I don't think it would be fair for me to "dump" her at a time when she needs me just because her father "dumped" me. The only people that know what went on between us are my close friends and family. His daughter, friends, family and all of the mutual friends we have do not know. They just know that he was happy for a short while before going postal.

 

It was good. I had a great amount of support from friends and family who all got my brain into the right place before I went and who were all very supportive and it actually worked out really well.

 

I do not ever recommend that anyone else do this though as it really has taken a lot out of me and has been very difficult. It would have been far far easier to go no contact and draw a line. I couldn't really take it out on the children though as I know I am important to them and when I tried to pull back a bit they were all on that like a rash. Its not their fault so I am not going to make them suffer. So I stepped back from him. I met up with him at his daughters request because his behavior has really become out of hand and she knows its because he has been miserable...

 

We shall see but at the moment its all good. Nothing to worry or stress about. No romance, or any of that, nothing more than two people who get along spending an evening together. All is going in the right direction and I saw his daughter the following day... it seems to have worked for the time being as he was much happier and calmer when he picked her up from baby sitting after we had parted company.

 

Hi Toodles

 

It's been a while since I posted on LS so I guess I'm healing but still get dark days and have conversations with myself about the BU. If I'm honest I am really checking LS out to see if you posted. Loved your comment "Thats not a dream that is a nightmare." Lol! Brilliant. I love truths like that. I wish I could see the truths sometimes.

 

Also, "If you don't suit you don't suit and thats it. No point in wasting time and energy." So true. Take me as I am or leave me, period! Break ups make you question fundamental things like that which you wouldn't normally question.

 

"You are looking for answers but the answer is very simple. She doesn't love you. Give yourself time and try to stop seeking out her friends etc. Its another way of looking at her Facebook or finding out what she is up to. True, true and true yet again. I think I'm beginning to realise this and accept it. You're right on the friends count as well.

 

Although I'm beginning to heal the shock of her walking out after all those years still amazes me but you know what.. one day.. she will wonder what I'm up to. That day will turn into another day of wondering what I'm up to. When the romance has died with her new husband and they have kids et al and she wonders whatever happened to Ganz and what's he up to. Then one day she'll realise heck, I spent a third of my life with this guy I wonder what he is up to and you know what.. I ain't never gonna answer or respond to any of her future contacts. She has got that day coming.. I know that sounds a bit nasty but it kind of comforts me knowing she's got that coming to her when she is older. If she doesn't think that then burn in hell is all I can say. Lol! Sorry Toodles, that's a terrible to say but it felt GOOD!

"I usually drag the lazy one out she is currently curled up asleep behind me - no shocks there! " Poor dog - hell, Who am I kidding.. I'd do the same Lol!

 

Sometimes "All very matter of fact and not at all emotional" is fine and actually quite nice. Just hung out with an old flame tonight who I haven't seen for about 4 years. I tried not to linger on the BU or her situation and kept it nice, funny and good company. It was very nice too. Don't want anything too heavy. It's pure friendship and I'm fine with that. It's very much like your No romance, or any of that, nothing more than two people who get along spending an evening together. You know, I'm not looking for anything other than that at the moment. Got some possible changes at work so have concerns about job security, money and 'what if' scenarios.

 

I kind of knew it wasn't work that was bothering you but didn't want to be presumptious. That's a tough one that, with the daughter involved. It's good that you did not just cut contact. It wouldn't have been the right thing to do. You did the right thing even if he does not realise it. That's a diffcult one where a partner's children are involved and they may get emotionally attached for a variety of reasons.

 

Diffrent to your scenario but I was in a relationship years ago with someone who had a son. I tried to get on with him for his mum's sake but it never worked. He was a bit of a brat. Mind you I was young brat at the time too!

 

Toodles. How's your early morning regime? Still can't believe anyone can get up that early. Wish I could wake up early then the nightmares would stop. Lol!

 

Yours

Ganz

[Ganz7]

Hi Ganz

 

I just read this thread from the start. My goodness I'm sorry to say what a total bitch she was. The deception was incredible. Really sorry for you that she did this to you. As I read your story I knew what was coming. Because many women do not up and leave so easily unless they have another person to go to. Same for men too but I would say not as common. She should have told you the truth. But I suspect she kept from you not to spare your feelings but to ease her own selfish guilt.

 

Its bloody crap being single at Xmas if you have recently split I know. This Xmas was bad for me. (Not the same story but similar) At the moment I can't even go to Asda with all the couples and families shopping around me thinking how that was us. I am how you were probably 2 weeks afterwards.

 

I'm glad you seem to be getting over it now. You really are best off out of it. You will meet someone more deserving of you.

 

Thanks man.

 

It's like Toodles says you can tell with the shopping basket. The signs were there for me as when we used to go to, strangley enough, ASDA. We used to grab a basket each! So even though we were together we had separate baskets. Yep, looking back all the signs were there!

 

Yeah, the deception, lies and duplicity. What can I say? I question myself how well I knew her! In fact all my friends and family who knew her for years are all shocked especially when they saw her FB profile pic with him. She completely cut all ties with us even though she is currenlty living in the same city!

 

I sort of feel sorry for myself that I didn't see the duplicity. I'm sure she was lying to him for months about where she lived or maybe she told him the truth? It will all come out eventually that's for sure.

 

Hang in there buddy. It's bad but if it don't kill you it'll make you stronger, if only someone could tell me when that date is. Lol! As someone said on this forum fake it till you make it. It's been nearly 4 months for me and NC for nearly three months. Only time will tell but I'm keeping busy to the max and that definitley helps.

[Toodaloo]

HI Ganz

 

Its getting better for me.

 

My situation is a little weird as non of the separated guys family or friends know about us as his wife could have gone off on one or used me as a weapon, she does things like that so he didn't want me to be "known". I have known both him and his eldest daughter for years so it would have been really hard for her if I suddenly disappeared. Not fair on her at all.

 

Any way update is that separated man wanted me to go out for another music thing and to meet a load of his friends last weekend. I went. Separated man was a pooh bag. Got on fabulously with his friends! Separated man ended up leaving straight after the concert and his friends bodily dragged me out into town. I had a great time with them as they are all fab people. Didn't get in until after 3am... up again at 6:30am... I tell you I really am getting too old for this! It was hilarious though and I have a sneaky suspicion that they have been talking to him about me. After all its a bit weird to invite a random girl out to a lads night and then be an arse to her... I thought some women were going to be there... Mind you it doesn't bother me. They did try to challenge me and were trying to shock me. I really do not shock easily (this is the girl who walked into a pub full of naked men and didn't notice...) and I won that one as they blushed before I did! After that is was just back to normal every day banter and was great. They are a really great group of people. Very friendly, supportive and genuine.

 

Was a great night and I am sticking to my guns and playing life as it comes. Got on very well with one of his friends in particular that he is not so close to. He was gorgeous and the things I could have done to him with a pot of cream and some fresh fruit are nothing short of pornographic... That one has a girlfriend so I am not going there and backed off as soon as I knew. But he is very keen to stay in touch and you never know he may have a brother Got asked out twice by separated mans best friend... obviously turned him down.

 

Spoke to separated man last night about some theater tickets and he is going to decide if he wants to go as just the pair of us or if he wants to go as a big group. I can get the tickets for half price so if the others want to go (and bring their wives/ girlfriend as well this time!) it could be fun. He is going to ring in the next couple of days so we can make a plan. If its going to be a big group I am going to see about getting some of my friends to come along as well see how it goes. He is also going to give Segway racing a go and his daughter will come to that too. He is very different around me when others are there. Very chalk and cheese. On our own he is happy, secure, fun and great to be around. In groups I have found he shuts down and gets grumpy. Apparently the grumps is just how he is with everyone at the moment. He was trying to fish for me to say what went on with his friends after he went home but I am not playing those games, so I brushed over it and moved conversation on. If he wanted to know what was going on he should have come with. Everyone wanted him to so boo sucks to him.

 

I am not holding out for him but I do have strong feelings for him, they were there before and I guess they will remain its just working out what they are. I had big long conversations with my cousin about it. He has got my brain into the right place and came up with some thoughts that I hadn't even thought about. Funny how when you are hurting you don't really see things how they are yet when the dust has cleared you can think to your self that this is how it was and not what you thought. I am no longer reading into his moods or stressy times and just letting him get on with it.

 

As for the early morning thing you just get used to it! I have been waking up at 4:30am for the past few weeks and its driving me insane as its really cold at that time of the morning and too dark to do anything constructive! I have just always been an early riser. I love it in the summer as you can get up and go out for a walk or do some gardening etc while watching the world wake up. In the winter when you just want to snuggle up an hibernate it sucks!

 

I know it sounds girly but have you tried yoga? I find it really does help.

 

Keep moving on and keep in touch... have your eyes open and checking out the shopping baskets!!!

[lovedating]

Your girl leave you can change what? Nothing but you, maybe you can think about your parents and your friends, they still love you.

If you still feel sad, you can go out and have a travel, maybe meet more friends can make you feel better.

Maybe you will meet another girl, another lovely girl, nobody can stay with you for every, but you can enjoy the time you together.

If you don't want to go out, you can choose some dating site, such as <a href="http://www.seniormeetlogin.com">Login to Senior Meet </a> it's for singles over 50 ,and for you , you can come to perfectmatch.com

good luck to you.

[Ganz7]

Hi Toodles

 

Sorry for not getting back earlier as it's been quite hectic at work with my interview looming and work in general. I read your post the other night but as it was late I didn't want to rush a reply.

 

Way hey! Sounds like you are really enjoying life to the full. The Segway sounds great. Shame you didn't mention it earlier as I had a pair of Segway tickets given to me as a birthday gift from my sister last year. It was gonna be for me and my ex but as she left me I didn't redeem them for an event as I didn't fancy going on my own. In the end they just expired :-(

 

Yeah, us blokes can act a bit strange sometimes. If he acts different in front of his mates that could be an Alpha male thing. Then there is the old banter thing that us blokes get dragged into. Personally, I'm not keen on banter all night as it has a tendency to go too far and at the end of the day isn't that interesting or funny. Talk about art or 20th century history then I'm right up your street(!?). Banter can break the ice and get conversation going though. It's just a blokey thing. Wouldn't read anything into being moody. I can be moody and sometimes even my own moods perplexed me. Maybe he had stressful thoughts or concerns on his mind. The human psyche is a complex thing that has yet to be fully understood and we are still coming up new names and reasons for ways of behaving. Moods can happen and tomorrow's another day and a new start was my approach. If I told you some of the moody things I used to do in the early days of the relationship you would not believe the puerility of what i did. Even now I look back and cringe! However, if it does become a concern and the moodiness is there every day then politely ask him about it in a understanding and caring way (as I'm sure you would). But, he is a bloke and probably wouldn't feel comfortable talking about it but he maybe be ok about sharing that with you. Sometimes something like the weather can trigger a mood, a bad thing at work can make one moody etc. He also maybe procrastinating about something which can appear as being moody. Do what your gut feeling tells you. If he is not moody when he is just with you then who cares about anything else.

 

Now I'm not professing to be an expert in relationships and any matters relating, as you know from my recent experiences but here is my take on him. When he is with you and he is happy, secure and funny as you say then he must be feeling pretty happy and relaxed in your company and that is a big plus. If you are feeling good when your both together then I'd say he must be loving the moment too. The other thing is that if you see him happy and it makes you happy then that's the ultimate scenario. I often think back to the days when me and my ex were on holiday abroad, just the two of us, with no work or family or other pressures and I felt it was when I was at my happiest and we seldom had arguments. If spending time in his company makes you happy that's what you really want. I agree not reading too much into his moods. I guess at the end of the day you can only know how you feel and not how the other person feels. Although there are things that can tell you how a person is really feeling, the eyes usually gives your feelings away. I know that when she was happy I could see it in her eyes (hard to fake) and it used to make me really happy and visa versa. Guys want someone who wants them and not 'need' them (like my ex was). The more independent you are - as long as it's not too independent where he has to communicate with your personal assistant, the better he'll like you as he won't feel like you are needy of him. I would enjoy the moments and not bother about analysing it - which I know you're not. After my experience I am a true believer in the 'If it's meant to be it will be' thinking.

 

Your expression of "playing life as it comes" is great way of looking at this thing called life. It's what I've accepted now and am doing the same thing. Sounds like 2015 is kicking off in a great way. If the pot of cream and fresh fruit scenario is anything to go by I'd say you're in for a healthy and prosperous 2015!

 

I've not tried Yoga but tried pilates once and didn't get it. I did an insanity class over Christmas and it nearly killed me! Took me a week to walk properly. The only thing about pilates and yoga classes is that a lot of fit women go to them and I have difficulty concentrating on the pilates part;)

 

Keep me posted.

Edited January 28, 2015 by Ganz7

[Toodaloo]

HI Ganz!

 

Well I don't know what yoga classes you go to! Mine is full of middle ages people and we all have a giggle and encourage her. It is not unusual to hear a fart or two as well all bend over or hear creaking and cracking as we try to move! It is good fun and I enjoy it. You do know that not being very good at it is a bonus for you as all those hot women can "help" you!!!

 

Why on earth did you let the tickets expire instead of grabbing a mate instead??? If I get let down by someone I just get on the phone and get someone else to come with me! Need to change that attitude as it is good fun and you have missed out! Time for that to change and I have to say it does seem as though you are getting more positive these days. I have a feeling that you will not be letting many more opportunities pass you by.

 

I don't really want to get back together with separated man. He is a mess. But we were friends before so why not just be friends now? Thats the way I look at it. I kind of shrug these days. I sometimes have "moments" where I struggle to figure things out but they are getting less so these days.

 

The cream and fresh fruit is just me being hopeful! Its been a very long time now... I am struggling with it I have to admit! My best friend keeps taking the piddle and sending me over fresh batteries (to keep me going!!). Cheeky mare!

 

Well I have just been on Amazon and got some music, replaced a film I like that the ex took and a couple of books that have been recommended. Off to get some theater tickets next while doing some work! I am so lucky my bosses love me!!!

 

Keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on!

[CrystalShine2011]

Wow, reading your post was heart wrenching!

 

Let me say though, that I too recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years. So I guess I'm on the other side. BUT, in my situation it was not for another guy, it was truly because I couldn't see myself getting married to him. It was a TOUGH decision and it occupies my mind almost every day. Do I wish I stayed? No, I don't think so...but it was the hardest decision I have ever made.

 

All this to say - it has become easier and easier over the months. I can breath and imagine my life continuing. I truly do hope the same to you!! It'll be okay, I promise, she just wasn't the right girl for you. There is someone else though!

 

Best of luck.

[Ganz7]

HI Ganz!

 

Well I don't know what yoga classes you go to! Mine is full of middle ages people and we all have a giggle and encourage her. It is not unusual to hear a fart or two as well all bend over or hear creaking and cracking as we try to move! It is good fun and I enjoy it. You do know that not being very good at it is a bonus for you as all those hot women can "help" you!!!

 

Why on earth did you let the tickets expire instead of grabbing a mate instead??? If I get let down by someone I just get on the phone and get someone else to come with me! Need to change that attitude as it is good fun and you have missed out! Time for that to change and I have to say it does seem as though you are getting more positive these days. I have a feeling that you will not be letting many more opportunities pass you by.

 

I don't really want to get back together with separated man. He is a mess. But we were friends before so why not just be friends now? Thats the way I look at it. I kind of shrug these days. I sometimes have "moments" where I struggle to figure things out but they are getting less so these days.

 

The cream and fresh fruit is just me being hopeful! Its been a very long time now... I am struggling with it I have to admit! My best friend keeps taking the piddle and sending me over fresh batteries (to keep me going!!). Cheeky mare!

 

Well I have just been on Amazon and got some music, replaced a film I like that the ex took and a couple of books that have been recommended. Off to get some theater tickets next while doing some work! I am so lucky my bosses love me!!!

 

Keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on!

 

Hi Toodles

 

I thought all yoga classes were like mine! Even the middle age ladies are athletic lol! I like your tip next time I go I'll play like I don't know the moves and ask for for help;)

 

The Segway tickets, well I did ask someone I knew but they were busy with engagements and as it was getting near Christmas most of my friends had already arranged those last days for christmas work parties, shopping, seeing friends and so on. But you know what? Your advice that I should have got on the phone and getting anyone is what I should have done! You're right, I need to change that aspect of me. I'm far too chilled and did miss out what could have been a great experience.

 

Last week I 'went' for another post at work. An opportunity arose and I went for it. The interview went well but I didn't get the post. I'm glad as i've kept my old job but a part of me would have liked to have given it a go because it was an opportunity to do something different.

 

I also got an invite to a drinks party at a millionaires:cool: house (a friend of a friend) and although I didn't fancy going out I forced myself as you don't know what might happen in those instances. Had a cracking evening, met lots of people who I already knew and was there till 6am chatting and drinking with some friends and listening to music.

 

Keeping friends with your male friend is cool. As you say why not. Companionship is great. It was the attribute of compionship I wanted from my ex that I didn't get. We would always be fighting like it was a competition or something.

 

What kind of music are you into? I'm keen on Eric Pryda but was listening to some good stuff on Saturday night: old skool stuff like Steely Dan (1st album), Split Enz, Neil Young, PIL, basically anything on this Spotify iPod we had.

 

I brought the Bourne Identity box set DVD (haven't got BluRay yet!?) before Christmas, as friends have recommended it, but haven't got round to watching it yet.

 

Well, it's been a week over four months ago since I had the 'break-up' and nearly four months of complete and absolute NC. I've not heard anything from her at all. Not that I was expecting to but it adds fuel to my NC. I'm not stopping NC for anything.

 

For the first time last week I went two days without the conversations with myself about the breakup. You know the conversations I'm on about. The ones where you go over again and again of how it could have turned out if I had have done this or that, the should haves, could haves, would haves..the regrets etc.

 

Last week, as I was walking to work the usual thoughts about the break up started to creep into my head so I ordered myself to stop those thoughts immediatley. On purpose, I turned my thoughts to something I wanted to think about like my projects. This really worked and I felt empowered too. A few seconds later the breakup reasons and bs entered my head again I pushed the thoughts out. It takes some doing but is possible.

 

I even managed to practise last week where I didn't even acknowledge that a 'breakup' thought had crept in. As soon as it happens I just change my thoughts to my car or a project I'm working on. It really works. Have to say I could not have done this in the first three months but maybe someone on here can.

 

However, it's early days and this week I have slipped into old habits but this is getting less and less. It's a case of reminding myself that I was betrayed. I feel that I'm finally begining to heal. It feels like the end of the begining phase; the begining meaning that I can now start the proper healing process: getting on with my life!

 

Let me know how you get on too. Always look forward to your replies.

 

Ganz

Edited February 10, 2015 by Ganz7

[Ganz7]

Wow, reading your post was heart wrenching!

 

Let me say though, that I too recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years. So I guess I'm on the other side. BUT, in my situation it was not for another guy, it was truly because I couldn't see myself getting married to him. It was a TOUGH decision and it occupies my mind almost every day. Do I wish I stayed? No, I don't think so...but it was the hardest decision I have ever made.

 

All this to say - it has become easier and easier over the months. I can breath and imagine my life continuing. I truly do hope the same to you!! It'll be okay, I promise, she just wasn't the right girl for you. There is someone else though!

 

Best of luck.

 

Cheers Crystal

 

At least you had integrity to separate without betraying him. Stick with a decision once you have made it as they say. I think if you commit to a decision then you are giving it the time to turn out 'right'.

 

Yeah, i've got over the hard part I think. I have to admit the thought that still gets me is not so much that I miss her its the thought she walked out after all those years. I like to think she is human and would miss me in someway after so many years. You said yourself it still ocupies your mind everyday. I often wonder if she thinks about me. For me now it's more curiosity about what she is up to and how she is coping. Although, I get sick thinking about this and have moved on where I don't really care anymore.

 

One of the worst result of the breakup is the appartment we shared. It was always my home. It was always good to come 'home'. But after she left the place is now dead and I can't stand living there anymore. So in a way she did turn my life upside down a bit and took my home away from me.

 

Try the strategy of banishing those thoughts when they enter your head. It works.

[Toodaloo]

HI Ganz

 

I am good. Just bimbling along. Busy week this week as out at a concert tonight and a charity skittles evening tomorrow. I am going to be shattered by the weekend!

 

I have also decided to face my daemons. I have an ex from 10 years ago and things didn't end well. I think I have been punishing myself ever since by choosing to be with men who are not all that great. So I am going to go out for a drink with him. I have already started seeing a very bitter and self centered man in the brief conversation we had so in a weird way I am looking forward to it as I think I will be able to see just how selfish he has become and be glad that I am not with him.

 

I had a whoops on the on line dating but am not going to worry about it. Those men do not know me so I don't care what they think.

 

All in all I am loving being single and living on my own. Spent Sunday morning with the dyson as a dance partner, then out into the garden to dig over the veggie patch (my physio is going to be cross about that so I think I shall keep that one quiet!). Didn't get far but got some done which is the main thing. Had a couple of really good long walks and am looking forward to the spring.

 

I have been going through the oldies, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald etc. Just got some of the Script and Bruno Mars. Will look up those you suggest as I have only heard of Neil Young! Terrible I know but I am learning about all of this!

 

Those in your head conversations will go. Just keep at it and keep marching forward. remember her for who she actually is not who you wanted her to be. Sorry you didn't get the job but well done you for going for it! Always good to have interview experience anyway and push your boundaries a bit. The party sound like fun too! I haven't done anything like that for ages but did have a lovely evening with a friend last night drinking tea and putting the world to rights.

 

The Bourne Identity films are great. You will really enjoy them! I must replace my copies as my ex took them when he left. Also if you get a chance to go to the cinema, Kingsmen is a great film to see. I was going to see the Taken 3 but it was on so late and I was a bit tired so changed my mind at the last minute and I am glad I did. Liam will still be brought when it comes out on DVD though... Can't have enough of him in the house!!!

 

Have you thought about redecorating? Really helped me to "get my ex out" of my home. Get new bedding and bed sheets etc. Really helped me.