elaine567 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I agree with violet1. The OP asked for help and all she seems to get from some on here is scolding, and judging and is told over and over again how nasty she is and how ashamed she should be. I know WSs have caused a lot of hurt, and there is a lot of anger in some posters, I can see some are raging against WSs, and some are just mean when reading between the lines. It is personal, I get that. However, there is no need IMV to take out that bitterness on someone who has actually come on here for help, surely? Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I agree with violet1. The OP asked for help and all she seems to get from some on here is scolding, and judging and is told over and over again how nasty she is and how ashamed she should be. I know WSs have caused a lot of hurt, and there is a lot of anger in some posters, I can see some are raging against WSs, and some are just mean when reading between the lines. It is personal, I get that. However, there is no need IMV to take out that bitterness on someone who has actually come on here for help, surely? Again i agree...Telling someone over and over how bad they are...I AGREE does no good...HOWEVER before a WW or WH on here wants help..IMO they DA@N WELL better own up to what they did and what it caused...if not they are still a cake eater and a coward...neither of which i will tolerate! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Again i agree...Telling someone over and over how bad they are...I AGREE does no good...HOWEVER before a WW or WH on here wants help..IMO they DA@N WELL better own up to what they did and what it caused...if not they are still a cake eater and a coward...neither of which i will tolerate! OK but how much humble pie do they need to eat? Not everyone is at the stage of deep remorse, not everyone even feels deep remorse, some if we are honest may never feel deep remorse over an affair. The forum is only here to help those on the "right" side, is it? It seems to me the OP is in a bad marriage and strayed to make her feel better. It did make her feel better, but the BS and doing the "right" thing are also a big pull. She is in a quandary and is hurting over the thought of losing the OM. Is that not understandable? Or do we live in some world, where only BSs are allowed to hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 OK but how much humble pie do they need to eat? Not everyone is at the stage of deep remorse, not everyone even feels deep remorse, some if we are honest may never feel deep remorse over an affair. The forum is only here to help those on the "right" side, is it? It seems to me the OP is in a bad marriage and strayed to make her feel better. It did make her feel better, but the BS and doing the "right" thing are also a big pull. She is in a quandary and is hurting over the thought of losing the OM. Is that not understandable? Or do we live in some world, where only BSs are allowed to hurt? Sounds to me You almost CONDONE infidelity at some level...I DO NOT.. If you are in a BAD marriage and you do not tell your spouse ...Hey i attracted to someone else .. or we have a big problem we need to fix it or get help....and you decide to LIE ,DECEIVE AND BETRAY YOUR SPOUSE AND go on a 8-10 month FUC$FEST with the OM ...I really dont CARE if you are hurting or not...YOU MADE A CHOICE not a mistake... TELL YOUR HUSBAND AND FILE FOR D...Then tell me how you BOTH FEEL... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 OK but how much humble pie do they need to eat? Not everyone is at the stage of deep remorse, not everyone even feels deep remorse, some if we are honest may never feel deep remorse over an affair. The forum is only here to help those on the "right" side, is it? It seems to me the OP is in a bad marriage and strayed to make her feel better. It did make her feel better, but the BS and doing the "right" thing are also a big pull. She is in a quandary and is hurting over the thought of losing the OM. Is that not understandable? Or do we live in some world, where only BSs are allowed to hurt? The Infidelity forum is not all that helpful toward the actively cheating and less-then-full-repentant WS's. Discussing how much you miss your AP or that you don't feel all that bad over cheating just doesn't play well with the people here trying to cope with or heal from Infidelity. Maybe you'd find more understanding folks on the OW/OM forum. Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I'm so sick of people having this mindset. Revealing the truth wouldn't be the thing that killed the marriage. The fact that she cheated did. Her husband is currently living a lie. I know some people that would be happy to live this way, but the vast majority of people would want to know if their spouses are cheating on them. Cheating is selfish. Cheating and keeping it to yourself because you don't want to face the consequences of your actions is not only selfish, it's cravenous. Let people make decisions on what they want to do with their own lives. This is true, people don't get to suddenly start caring about the marriage after they have already planted the bombs that will destroy it. She cheated, plain and simple. She doesn't love her husband and she surely is not "level headed" by any stretch of the imagination. This woman needs to tell her husband the truth so he can divorce her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Is it weird that there are 4 pages in this thread and the OP hasn't come back once? It's a waste of time. Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 It's because every time a WS comes to this forum a lot of posters are quick to tell them how horrible and selfish they are. It's not surprising that many WS's don't stay here. I'm not saying a WS should get a pat on the back, but telling them they've ruined their spouses life and how disgusting they are is out of line and unnecessary. It's not helpful at all. Nobody comes in and posts and says merely three words like "you are horrible" and then doesn't say anything else. Yes, people react to it, but you are really overreacting to some of these replies, which just makes the situation even more complicated. You think people come here and bolt because of harsh words, but it more seems like they bolt because reality slaps them in the face and they can't handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Nobody comes in and posts and says merely three words like "you are horrible" and then doesn't say anything else. Yes, people react to it, but you are really overreacting to some of these replies, which just makes the situation even more complicated. You think people come here and bolt because of harsh words, but it more seems like they bolt because reality slaps them in the face and they can't handle it. We are the mirror they have to look into. If they are looking for outside validation to support their past or ongoing bad behaviour they have come to the wrong place. If they can't convince us how the hell are they going to convince the significant other in their life, the one they are trying to save a relationship with? You can't sugar coat reality if you want to open their eyes when you have so little time with them. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Also if they wanted it sugar coated they could turn to friends and family who may handle them with kit gloves. Surely they know coming to a public forum they are going to get the truth about what people really think of their actions. I've seen too many protest in the beginning and thanking us at the end. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Well, it seems that this was yet another ride by posting and OP has left the building. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Plus I guess my biggest concern is if this person can't even withstand criticism from people online..she is NEVER going to do the right thing and clue this guy in. If you can't take it from a stranger on the internet you sure as hell won't be able to look your spouse in the eye and do it. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Nobody comes in and posts and says merely three words like "you are horrible" and then doesn't say anything else. Yes, people react to it, but you are really overreacting to some of these replies, which just makes the situation even more complicated. You think people come here and bolt because of harsh words, but it more seems like they bolt because reality slaps them in the face and they can't handle it. Yes, I do believe some WS's bolt because of some of the comments. It seems like some (not all) BS's direct their pain that they have from their personal experiences onto the WS's here. I'm sorry, but how else would you take the comment congratulating the OP for ruining her H's life? Comments like that are unnecessary. Nope, I don't think I'm over reacting. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Yes, I do believe some WS's bolt because of some of the comments. It seems like some (not all) BS's direct their pain that they have from their personal experiences onto the WS's here. I'm sorry, but how else would you take the comment congratulating the OP for ruining her H's life? Comments like that are unnecessary. Nope, I don't think I'm over reacting. Like you, I'm a fWW. When I came here I was ripped to shreds, told I wasn't worth his time and didn't deserve a second chance. The truth is, when your ready to make changes, real changes in your life those comments don't chase you. They didn't chase us right? If your here looking for a pitty party or to get backing then you run when it gets hot. Trial by fire, if you can't handle this no way can you handle the war that is putting your marriage back together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) Yes, I do believe some WS's bolt because of some of the comments. It seems like some (not all) BS's direct their pain that they have from their personal experiences onto the WS's here. I'm sorry, but how else would you take the comment congratulating the OP for ruining her H's life? Comments like that are unnecessary. Nope, I don't think I'm over reacting. I assume the comment of "ruining his life" was a reaction to what she had done. I see the comment as just being..it is what it is. It was not needed, you are correct, but is it something someone should be chastised for? Consider that in doing so you just prolong it, you give the person another chance to talk about..whatever feelings they are having towards the OP. I guess what I am saying is that the comment was unnecessary, but commenting on the comment was also probably not something that really needed to be done, right? Because then it just added more and more posts to this, that have nothing to do with the topic at hand and more to do with a discussion about how people react to certain things. Our back and forth right now is even contributing to that. It's like..if you see someone who is just expressing shock or disgust, instead of saying "you are bad for doing that" why not just decide to do the opposite and try to help the person, and leave it at that? Edited December 2, 2014 by NateGrey Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Like you, I'm a fWW. When I came here I was ripped to shreds, told I wasn't worth his time and didn't deserve a second chance. The truth is, when your ready to make changes, real changes in your life those comments don't chase you. They didn't chase us right? If your here looking for a pitty party or to get backing then you run when it gets hot. Trial by fire, if you can't handle this no way can you handle the war that is putting your marriage back together. I can respect this outlook. Since yes, I have never cheated on someone, but I have had heated confrontations with people I was close to..and some strangers comments on the internet just never compared with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Yes, I do believe some WS's bolt because of some of the comments. It seems like some (not all) BS's direct their pain that they have from their personal experiences onto the WS's here. I'm sorry, but how else would you take the comment congratulating the OP for ruining her H's life? Comments like that are unnecessary. Nope, I don't think I'm over reacting. Well Violet and LET HER CONFESS ALL TO HER HUSBAND...AND THE TELL ME HOW HIS LIFE IS AFTER D-DAY...IM WAITING... Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Yes, I do believe some WS's bolt because of some of the comments. It seems like some (not all) BS's direct their pain that they have from their personal experiences onto the WS's here. Right on with that statement. I haven't been here very long and I can clearly see that there's quite a lot of angry, hurt, very bitter betrayed spouses who project their own hurts onto people they don't know. The good news is those people are very obvious, so I don't even read what they have to say...it's not helpful in anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Right on with that statement. I haven't been here very long and I can clearly see that there's quite a lot of angry, hurt, very bitter betrayed spouses who project their own hurts onto people they don't know. The good news is those people are very obvious, so I don't even read what they have to say...it's not helpful in anyway. Still wondering how people are going to be able to do the right thing in their personal life if they can't withstand harsh words from people they don't know on the internet. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Well Violet and LET HER CONFESS ALL TO HER HUSBAND...AND THE TELL ME HOW HIS LIFE IS AFTER D-DAY...IM WAITING... I obviously can't tell you how the OP's life would be after a confession. She's obviously not coming back to tell us either. Infidelity is not a one size fits all type of situation. Not everyone reacts the same. Some BS's understandingly go on a rampage, some don't. IMO, it's all about how a person handles pain. I've been through so much tragedy in my life that being cheated on wasn't as devastating to me as it is for others. Don't get me wrong, it hurt and it sucked, but everyone handles things differently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Right on with that statement. I haven't been here very long and I can clearly see that there's quite a lot of angry, hurt, very bitter betrayed spouses who project their own hurts onto people they don't know. The good news is those people are very obvious, so I don't even read what they have to say...it's not helpful in anyway. I've learned to ignore the comments, but they used to really bother me. I stopped coming here for awhile because all if the negativity and sadness brought me down further. I've only started posting again because I'm in a good place in my life. I want to especially help other waywards. If comments get to be too much, I try to defend and at least try to understand where the WS is coming from. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Still wondering how people are going to be able to do the right thing in their personal life if they can't withstand harsh words from people they don't know on the internet. The thing is if you've done your own work, what you say (if it's negative and hurtful), means zilch, zero, nada. Now tell me something useful and I'm all ears. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I've learned to ignore the comments, but they used to really bother me. I stopped coming here for awhile because all if the negativity and sadness brought me down further. I've only started posting again because I'm in a good place in my life. I want to especially help other waywards. If comments get to be too much, I try to defend and at least try to understand where the WS is coming from. And not engaging in their rants... I'm here to help other waywards and betrayed spouses if possible...but I don't have the time of day for nonsense and meanness. But it takes a strong wayward to stay here. New ones in the process don't stand a chance. Why is there no way to protect waywards from bashing of the angry betrayed spouses? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 And not engaging in their rants... I'm here to help other waywards and betrayed spouses if possible...but I don't have the time of day for nonsense and meanness. But it takes a strong wayward to stay here. New ones in the process don't stand a chance. Why is there no way to protect waywards from bashing of the angry betrayed spouses? There is another forum that has a section for waywards only. If I'm correct, you will be banned if you post and are currently in an affair. It doesn't really help a WS who's trying to stop cheating. This is the only forum I post on, but I read a lot of others. In general, I like LS. Their moderation team is pretty good. New posters can use the ignore list or alert the moderators if they get bashed too badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Thank you good to know. Correction - wayward forum here or another website? I appreciate the information. Link to post Share on other sites
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