thirtysomethingteen Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Welcome to LS OP, I see you have been reamed out already - try not to take it personally. You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last. I'm not exactly well loved around here myself. The thing is that most of the posters here are in pain from being cheated on themselves, so situations like yours are very painful for them to read about so they lash out in anger (not that I'm judging them for being angry, I get it). As for your situation, it is hard to know what to suggest since you obviously can't take back the affair. Does your husband know V? Because if so it is all the more likely he'll find out, and when he does, he'll feel even more betrayed for all the times he spent time with him while he was having sex with you behind his back. If you can see a therapist I would highly recommend it. Also, is there a friend you can talk to about this irl who will 1) not tell anyone, 2) let you get all of this off your chest, and 3) be there for you when you are feeling weak/tempted? Although I've never cheated I've certainly be tempted, and it was very hard feeling like I couldn't talk to anyone but my therapist. I finally told a close friend who I trust emphatically (read, to not tell my husband) and I'm SO glad I did. She reiterated what a bad idea it would be, but also said that she loved me unconditionally and always would, no matter what. When you have a friend who "sees all your spots" and still loves you all the same, it will help you realize that no matter how this plays out, life will go on. As for telling your husband, it doesn't sound like you want to go that route anyway, but if there is any chance he could hear it from anyone else your best bet would be to confess and confess immediately. Lastly, if you need to talk you can always talk to me. :-) Yes, what you did is wrong but you are still a human being, and I truly don't believe you'd be here asking for help if you just straight up didn't give a fig about your husband or your marriage as many here are suggesting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I am offering a pragmatic approach. I have every sympathy for the husband and that is why I wish to spare him years of reproach and heart ache over an affair that is most likely meaningless and will have blown over in weeks, if it is not already over. I am all for the truth, but sometimes the truth is just too painful, and I believe sometimes for the benefit of others, the truth needs buried. The OP has realised this situation is madness, and is choosing her marriage, which is fair enough. Clever word salad...but a little heavy on the pragmatism mayo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Help! If your husband were cheating on you would you want him to A. hide the truth "to protect you" (how selfless of him ) or B. respect you as an adult woman who deserves to know a major truth affecting her marriage (this gives you the option of leaving him) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Have you heard of this maxim? You've already sh*t all over your wedding vows. At the very least, show you husband some basic respect by telling him the truth Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 This is pure and simple lust, this is not "love" to the OP. Lust doesn't necessarily mean a ONS. She is lost in a temporary lust filled paradise, not lost in "love". And that is why, she needs to keep schtum here. If this develops and she cannot give V up then of course tell the husband, but ruining his life seems a hefty price for a fling that will run its course in a very short period of time. My wife had that same mindset a few years back by keeping her ONS to herself. It was to protect me. Protect me from what? The two year lie hurt a hell of a lot more than the truth ever would have. I honestly feel as if the last two years of my life were stolen from me. Me giving my all to a fake individual. Also, hoe does keeping this to herself not help her husband. More than likely things will not change in the marriage and she will just fall in the same trap again with this guy or someone else. Life sucks and we all get hurt, but we can't learn and grow if we don't know there is a problem. Her keeping this a secret doesn't protect anybody but herself. If you think finding out from her would kill him, imagine him finding out years later by some other means. You can easily hide ONS. Affairs are a different ball game. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Another example of a married woman cheating on her husband with a male "friend." Yet the ladies always assure us that opposite sex friendships are nothing to worry about. This isn't true and is not applicable to all women. If a woman is a cheater, she'll find someone to cheat with- friend, coworker, ONS, somebody. I have many male friends, more than female, but I wouldn't dream of cheating with them on my boyfriend. Cheating happens not because you have male friends. Cheating happens because you have no morals. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 You say you love your husband. Truth be told you got a real $h!tty way of showing it. Hate like hell to see if you hated him. There's a old saying, "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it". Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 If you're not satisfied sexually by your husband, why not go to a sex therapist with him? Or else you will be cheating for the rest of your marriage- and eventually he will find out. You might end up having feelings for one of these OM at some point and complicate things further. Why not at least attempt to fix what you have? I hope, at the very least- you're using protection every time. Which you're probably not. Imagine if you got an STD or fell pregnant with this guy? I mean, people are saying "It's just a fling, you'll be past it soon- don't tell him". How many flings are you gonna have behind his back? Are you going to do things like this forever? Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Hello and welcome to the forums. Some of the posters here can be a little harsh, but infidelity is a very sensitive subject. If you stick around you'll see there's a lot of good people here who want to help. First of all, I agree with you that affairs can become very addicting. Once you've taken a bite out of the forbidden fruit it changes everything. Affairs are a whirlwind of emotions with lots of ups and downs. If you absolutely cannot go NC, can you at least limit contact? The two of you crossed a line meaning the friendship can never be the same as before. You need to make sure you're not alone with him, no sexual conversations, etc. I'm a FWW and I know how destructive an A can be to both the WS and the BS. The most important thing I think you need to do is see a therapist. You need to do some serious soul searching to figure out why you suddenly stepped out of your marriage. You need to remember there's two in your marriage and your H is not cheating. There's something inside of you that needs to be repaired. I wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 My wife had that same mindset a few years back by keeping her ONS to herself. It was to protect me. Protect me from what? It was to protect her...surprise, surprise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 If you're not satisfied sexually by your husband... you will be cheating for the rest of your marriage This is sad but true. If sex with ones spouse isn't satisfying and you can't improve it, your choices are... A. Stay faithful and be miserable B. Have affairs C. Divorce That's it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Discjockey80 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I'm noticing a trend of posters registering and making 1 post, maybe a handful at most and then bolting. And the funny part is the stories always seem to hit certain 'hot buttons'. I'm not trying to blanket statement here but it makes me suspicious. A lot of them have to do with cheating/sex acts/etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I'm noticing a trend of posters registering and making 1 post, maybe a handful at most and then bolting. And the funny part is the stories always seem to hit certain 'hot buttons'. I'm not trying to blanket statement here but it makes me suspicious. A lot of them have to do with cheating/sex acts/etc. I noticed the same thing. Until the OP replies again I'm going to stop posting on this thread. This has troll written all over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I'm noticing a trend of posters registering and making 1 post, maybe a handful at most and then bolting. And the funny part is the stories always seem to hit certain 'hot buttons'. I'm not trying to blanket statement here but it makes me suspicious. A lot of them have to do with cheating/sex acts/etc. It's because every time a WS comes to this forum a lot of posters are quick to tell them how horrible and selfish they are. It's not surprising that many WS's don't stay here. I'm not saying a WS should get a pat on the back, but telling them they've ruined their spouses life and how disgusting they are is out of line and unnecessary. It's not helpful at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 OP is relaying a fairytale and lots of us are replying to it. I guess its ok because we do start a debate on an interesting topic but, overall, its disingenuous. Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 It appears that our OP has left the building. I hope she can deal with what she's done and who she's hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 This isn't true and is not applicable to all women. If a woman is a cheater, she'll find someone to cheat with- friend, coworker, ONS, somebody. I have many male friends, more than female, but I wouldn't dream of cheating with them on my boyfriend. Cheating happens not because you have male friends. Cheating happens because you have no morals. At least not right now. With an opposite-sex friend, boundaries often keep getting blurred until they are hard to identify. Then you have a fight with your SO and have a couple drinks and your friend consoles you and then you are looking for your bra in the morning. Of course this does not happen all the time to every woman with guy friends. But we read this story often enough on this site to know the danger - and the importance of clear, strong boundaries. When we were young I didn't allow my wife to spend any time by herself with male friends and she made the same demand of me with my female friends. She eventually did cheat, but the guys she cheated with were strangers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 (edited) This is sad but true. If sex with ones spouse isn't satisfying and you can't improve it, your choices are... A. Stay faithful and be miserable B. Have affairs C. Divorce That's it! No that's not it. There's a major choice missing. And that's- Stay faithful and make an effort in your sex life/ romantic life with your spouse. Why is that always the most (conveniently) overlooked option? I find it very hard to believe this has even been attempted or openly discussed prior to an affair for the majority. I believe if it were to be discussed, things would be quickly sorted- but majority of the time it's an excuse to boink someone new and there are other underlying issues. Edited November 26, 2014 by DbleBetrayal Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 It's because every time a WS comes to this forum a lot of posters are quick to tell them how horrible and selfish they are. It's not surprising that many WS's don't stay here. I'm not saying a WS should get a pat on the back, but telling them they've ruined their spouses life and how disgusting they are is out of line and unnecessary. It's not helpful at all. Thats because they are..SELFISH,LIARS and DECEIVERS...and for the vast majority their BHS lives are crushed... READ HERE VIOLET1 AND LEARN... Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Thats because they are..SELFISH,LIARS and DECEIVERS...and for the vast majority their BHS lives are crushed... READ HERE VIOLET1 AND LEARN... I've been both the betrayed and the betrayer. I've read many betrayed boards, not just this one. Yes, betrayal hurts and it sucks, but I don't look it at as something that ruins a person's life. Bad things happen to good people, but in the end of the day it's our decision if we are going to give that person our power and let them ruin our lives. Or are we going to give it time, learn from it and eventually move on? Like I said, I don't think a WS deserves a pat on the back, but most of them come here because they want help. Telling them repeatedly how horrible they are doesn't help. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thirtysomethingteen Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I've been both the betrayed and the betrayer. I've read many betrayed boards, not just this one. Yes, betrayal hurts and it sucks, but I don't look it at as something that ruins a person's life. Bad things happen to good people, but in the end of the day it's our decision if we are going to give that person our power and let them ruin our lives. Or are we going to give it time, learn from it and eventually move on? Like I said, I don't think a WS deserves a pat on the back, but most of them come here because they want help. Telling them repeatedly how horrible they are doesn't help. Great post violet1 I completely agree on all counts. I've never cheated but I have been cheated on, but I refuse to be a victim and use it as an excuse to be bitter and miserable and spend the rest of my life crying woe is me. Want to make someone regret the day they even *considered* betraying you? Then work on becoming the best version of YOU that you can. It's a cliche but it's true: the best revenge is always living a damn good life. Bad things happen to everyone. In the greater scheme of things, there are much worse tragedies than infidelity, no matter how much it may hurt initially. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 (edited) I've been both the betrayed and the betrayer. I've read many betrayed boards, not just this one. Yes, betrayal hurts and it sucks, but I don't look it at as something that ruins a person's life. Bad things happen to good people, but in the end of the day it's our decision if we are going to give that person our power and let them ruin our lives. Or are we going to give it time, learn from it and eventually move on? Like I said, I don't think a WS deserves a pat on the back, but most of them come here because they want help. Telling them repeatedly how horrible they are doesn't help. There are many statements i agree with violet1....I survived Beriut...and many other SHI@HOLES around the world..and i have learned to live with what i DID and SAW...But I will never forget it..The acts my WW did with OM and the following fallout was the utter destruction on 2 families.... I have since forgiven her and filed for D a while back...But the fact remains i will never forget what it did and the horror it cause... Telling someone over and over how bad they are...I AGREE does no good...HOWEVER before a WW or WH on here wants help..IMO they DA@N WELL better own up to what they did and what it caused...if not they are still a cake eater and a coward...neither of which i will tolerate! Edited November 28, 2014 by badkarma2013 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 (edited) Great post violet1 I completely agree on all counts. I've never cheated but I have been cheated on, but I refuse to be a victim and use it as an excuse to be bitter and miserable and spend the rest of my life crying woe is me. Want to make someone regret the day they even *considered* betraying you? Then work on becoming the best version of YOU that you can. It's a cliche but it's true: the best revenge is always living a damn good life. Bad things happen to everyone. In the greater scheme of things, there are much worse tragedies than infidelity, no matter how much it may hurt initially. No one her is suggesting we spend our lives in WOE....But you better believe in my future relationships ..IF ANYTHING remotely looks...feels...or otherwise is wrong for me...Its goodbye and get out...with a quickness! Edited November 28, 2014 by badkarma2013 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thirtysomethingteen Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 No one her is suggesting we spend our lives in WOE....But you better believe in my future relationships ..IF ANYTHING remotely looks...feels...or otherwise is wrong for me...Its goodbye and get out...with a quickness! Hey, nothing wrong with that. Fortunately the "upside" of having being cheated on tends to give one the ability to smell betrayal a mile away. A friend irl came to me with vague concerns that her boyfriend *might* be cheating. After hearing her out I new beyond a doubt he was cheating and told her how to catch him - she had difinitive proof by the end of day. If a BS can use their own experience to help others I think it's one of the best ways to heal. Especially if you can get to the point where you're even willing to help a WS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Levelheadedgirl, you are still living in fantasy land so the affair is still exciting to you. Most of us on this site are on some other level and are trying to deal with the aftermath of an unfaithful spouse or an unfaithful spouse dealing with the damage caused their families by their infidelity. Please read the post by "Overit75" in Infidelity, her post is titled "Irony of a affair." She clearly had your mindset while deep in her affair, that is not the case now and wishes she could go back in time and undo what she has done to her family. There is only one way out of this and it involves honesty. You are not the only one that knows your secret and you are betting that someone that is lying to his wife and family will keep it secret, unfortunately you can not control the other person. Your husband does not know you are no longer trust worthy and still blindly trusts you and your friend, it is this that will make your betrayal so devastating. You need to see the reality of your situation, you can not unfu*k yourself, you can not have a do over. You have forever changed the path of your marriage even if you find a way to keep this from the man you say you love. Please read Overit75 post. P.S. you need to change your name from Levelheadedgirl. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Hey, nothing wrong with that. Fortunately the "upside" of having being cheated on tends to give one the ability to smell betrayal a mile away. A friend irl came to me with vague concerns that her boyfriend *might* be cheating. After hearing her out I new beyond a doubt he was cheating and told her how to catch him - she had difinitive proof by the end of day. If a BS can use their own experience to help others I think it's one of the best ways to heal. Especially if you can get to the point where you're even willing to help a WS. My favorite new Strong Woman!! Link to post Share on other sites
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