Wife gave birth to another man's child

[somedude81]

Wow.

 

So the moral of the story is that if you ever doubt that your wife/girlfriend wasn't faithful. Then you absolutely must get a paternity test.

 

Heck, I wish that was something that hospitals did automatically during prenatal care.

[Radu]

I don't know about western countries but where i live it's in the law.

 

After the birth of child you have 6 months to challenge the paternity.

If you found out later through technological means about it, then you have 6 months from the moment you found out.

Not acting on this is seen as tacit approval of responsability to raise the child.

Worse is that this does not bar the biological father to ask for some form of time with the child.

 

This is in roman law which tends to be more organized and fair than Commonwealth law.

 

If you live in Canada or UK, you need to act right now as the window is most likely even lower [very pro-women there and by association you will be striking against a woman in this trial].

If you live in the US, you need to act fast as well.

[Radu]

Wow.

 

So the moral of the story is that if you ever doubt that your wife/girlfriend wasn't faithful. Then you absolutely must get a paternity test.

 

Heck, I wish that was something that hospitals did automatically during prenatal care.

 

It will never happen for a number of reasons :

- the state would be saddled with 1 in 30 children to provide for

- the feminist lobby is very strong and against this, as it is a 'presumption of foul play on her part' or something like this ...

- doctors would have to assume responsability

 

In fact right now, there is a huge debate amongst medical practitioners on weather they should disclose stuff like this out of the blue or not.

Like, when the blood test shows that it cannot be his child, or when the child inherits a nasty genetic disease that both the mother and father don't have, etc ...

So far, most think they should shut up and not say anything unless directly asked the question.

 

Like it was stated above, the focus is 'oficially' on the child, but from a practical pov, the society does not want to pay for more kids.

Someone has to.

 

At this moment if the OP makes up with the wife, it would look as if he was accepting the situation.

The only way this can be done from a position of power [the only one with which his wife will negociate fairly] is if he divorces her, removes his responsability for the child, and then maybe pursues a relationship with the child's mother.

Anything less than that and he will be seen as the man who accepted responsability for the child, while still leaving the door open for the bio-dad to come in and be a part of the child's life.

[somedude81]

Then I wonder if the man can secretly ask for a paternity test?

 

Even if there is no doubt on my partners fidelity, I would still like to be 100% certain that a child is mine.

[BDL]

How strong a man are you to forgive and forget something like that? I'm strong but not that strong. The mistrust, the infidelity, will eat away at you. It's still early in your relationship, relatively speaking... I would cut the cord now and spare any further pain.

[aliveagain]

Your marriage is a lie. Her parents are in on the deception. You and your wife know the child is not yours, the Courts will deem you have accepted responsibility of her child if you do nothing to contest the paternity. You will be held responsible for the child even if you divorce her two years out. The other man can argue paternity anytime he discovers the truth, even ten years from now. You need to talk to a lawyer now, you need to know your rights and the rights of the child.

 

What will happen if you have your own child with your wife, will you treat them equally knowing you were deceived? This is not the same as deciding to marry a women who has a child from a previous relationship, you married the whole package, you did it knowingly. There is no deception.

 

You will need to know the other mans family medical history in case of a medical emergency. Every day that goes by will make your choices more limited in the eyes of the Courts. You are withholding the truth from the biological father, he will always have rights no matter when in the future he learns the truth.

 

This is what happened to me, I raised my son for the first year of his life and than found out about her two year affair with O/M. The DNA test proved he wasn't mine. I ended the relationship and any responsibility for her affair child. I had huge love for the child but it changed once I knew the truth, I still loved him but not in the same way because I knew if I accepted him I had to accept O/M in my life. That was never going to happen. Talk to a lawyer about all your options even adoption but remember, if you decide to save your marriage and put him up for adoption, she will blame you for her loss for the rest of your life. No matter what you do, this is the worst kind of sh*t sandwich to swallow. I was in your shoes and for me leaving her cheating a$$ was the best solution. Talk to a lawyer , get all the facts than decide what is best for you. You are innocent, the child is innocent, but whatever you decide will affect you all for the rest of your lives. She should have told you the truth from the very beginning.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Then I wonder if the man can secretly ask for a paternity test?

 

Even if there is no doubt on my partners fidelity, I would still like to be 100% certain that a child is mine.

 

Some states actually require unmarried couples to have a paternity test done to even put the father's name on the birth certificate but others require the father to formerly contest paternity before the hospital will allow a DNA test to be done.

 

You can also do a DNA test (swab) at home and submit it to an independent lab like 23andMe very easily and without the mother ever knowing. It only costs like $100 too but of course, the results are not admissible in court AFIK. But still, if a guy does do a home test he'll either find out A) he is the father and all is well or B) finds he isn't and then has a reason to petition for a court ordered DNA test.

 

So, at the end of the day the mother would either never know you had it done anyway, or will certainly know but have obviously much bigger fish to fry at that point. But of course all this has to be done within a certain amount of time after the birth in you're looking to contest paternity/remove your name from a AOP/birth certificate.

 

*As an aside, sadly, a father doing secret DNA tests is illegal and can actually send him to jail with heavy fines but only in France.

[Justanaverageguy]

How strong a man are you to forgive and forget something like that? I'm strong but not that strong. The mistrust, the infidelity, will eat away at you. It's still early in your relationship, relatively speaking... I would cut the cord now and spare any further pain.

 

Strong or weak ??

 

Is it strong to stay with a woman who cheated, lied, deceived in a deliberate and calculated manner ? I think it is someone who doesn't have a enough self esteem and self worth to demand better. To demand to be treated with respect and honesty.

 

If you accept this type of behavior - you accept being treated like dirt. You accept tying the rest of your life to a poor quality human being who at the end of the day saw you as a pawn she could use. You really cannot complain when the same thing happens again in 2 - 5 - 10 - 20 years time.

[Oberfeldwebel]

First I am sorry that you are in this situation. You seem like a forgiving person by nature and are torn over what to do that is fair to all concerned. There is no true right or wrong here, as some people do change and some people can forgive and go on to live good lives.

 

However, your wife never was honest with you. You proved she was lying and her confession was ex-post-facto. If she had confessed, but believed the child was yours, that is one thing. But she refused to confess, even in view of a paternity test, lying to the bitter end. This proves where her heart is at and lying to you comes very natural to her. There is no need to ask her about the affair as the only thing you can prove is a ONS, so there is no need for her to confess.

 

To me the lying is worse than the sex. She stated it was to save your feelings, but to me it was to save her own back side. We all make mistakes in life, and I believe in forgiveness. But it has to be based on the the premise that the violator is contrite. Confessing to only what you can prove is not contrite, it is a continuation of the lie. With the lie you have no honesty, without honesty you can have no relationship. This is completely your call, but I do not see a high chance for success.

[balthazaar]

I'm meeting with a lawyer to discuss these issues. Her parents weren't in on it, she told them when she moved back home with them. She states she respects any choice I make at this point. And she doesn't want, or would dare try to even pursue child support. We both agree getting my name off the certificate. I'm meeting with a counselor, and laywer this week to find the legistics on all this. I'm getting my name off the certificate for sure, immediately since its within the time frame where I can remove it, And probably live separated for a while, till I take this all in, and make a decision. I agree with Oberfeldwebel, the lie is worse than the act itself. I appreciate everyone's input in this matter.

Edited November 17, 2014 by balthazaar

[Raena]

It can and has happened. I'm so sorry but having never heard of something doesn't make it any less true. This is a real thing that has actually happened and not just every once in a blue moon. Do a bit of research on the topic. Scary stuff.

 

I actually did do a little bit more research on it and did find that there ARE in fact cases where this can happen. (yes, I do admit when I'm wrong) It really is quite frightening! I thought I had researched this before when all that stuff happened with my ex, I guess I had but when it didn't happen that way, didn't think it could happen.

 

I'm assuming there are situations, probably like the one solostand described where, if the the bio dad hadn't been known, then her husband would be responsible.

 

OP, I can't stress enough that you need to really think through what you are going to do about this. It's early on in your marriage, you can get it annulled. Also, from what I understand, you have a limited amount of time to petition to get your name off the birth certificate too. Just some ideas... but you really should consult a lawyer asap!

[Radu]

Then I wonder if the man can secretly ask for a paternity test?

 

Even if there is no doubt on my partners fidelity, I would still like to be 100% certain that a child is mine.

 

They are working on home DNA tests and there are companies that do not ask questions.

Furthermore, it's much simpler to compare blood type, as that by default removes 75% of all possible combinations.

[Radu]

I actually did do a little bit more research on it and did find that there ARE in fact cases where this can happen. (yes, I do admit when I'm wrong) It really is quite frightening! I thought I had researched this before when all that stuff happened with my ex, I guess I had but when it didn't happen that way, didn't think it could happen.

 

I'm assuming there are situations, probably like the one solostand described where, if the the bio dad hadn't been known, then her husband would be responsible.

 

OP, I can't stress enough that you need to really think through what you are going to do about this. It's early on in your marriage, you can get it annulled. Also, from what I understand, you have a limited amount of time to petition to get your name off the birth certificate too. Just some ideas... but you really should consult a lawyer asap!

 

The most worrisome part is that unless you live in a very good and fair state, you are then somewhat screwed.

 

Commonwealth law is bad if you are a man in this situation, or if you are married in certain catholic countries [i can't even imagine what it would be like in Malta].

 

That is probably why it is illegal for a father to do a DNA test hidden from sight in France.

 

A few yrs ago there was a woman in the UK, who faked a request [his writing] of her ex-husband from the sperm-bank where he kept his stuff.

This was after divorce and after he remarried.

She conceived 2 kids with him, ended up broke and sued him for child support many yrs down the line. [obviously he had no idea]

Despite the way she did what she did, he ended up having to pay over 100k pounds he did not have in back child support, and those are a priority over supporting his then wife and kids.

She was never held accountable, neither was the sperm bank but the man was in fact held accountable.

 

Commonwealth law is very unpredictable in this situation and it really does depend where you live OP [uS >>>> UK when it comes to this]; and if you are in a very catholic country that can be just as worse [kidnapping a child who is half japanese is somewhat legal when it is done by a japanese mother/father from a foreigner].

 

What i'm trying to say, do not think happy thoughts, protect yourself, and if you want to go further with her, do so from a position of power.

[Buckeye2]

And she doesn't want, or would dare try to even pursue child support.

 

This doesn’t matter if she ever goes on welfare. The state will pay her and come after you. Clean things up now no matter her intentions.

[veggirl]

In my case the judge ordered the biological father to pay $800 a month as well as my legal fees for my son. Law states the biological father is responsible, despite his involvement (if any) in the child's life.

 

The man who raised him (my ex husband) offered to pay half of that amout but the judge praised him for being morally responsible, but said it was not necessary. Just because he raised him does not mean he was financially responsible to him.

 

Of course, my exhusband did not end his relationship there. Our son lived with him for about three years before his Dad died very suddenly of cancer. Son was devastated. His father had left him his entire estate - including a paid off house, truck, and life insurance.

 

So you can love another man's child.

 

Your story is nauseating and you tell it like it's some sort of success story. It's not. You sound delusional and quite frankly not very smart if you had sex with 2 guys WEEKS apart and still couldn't pin down conception to the first guy.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think why most get riled up over these type of issues, is that the offending party is never held responsible legally.

 

The women go unscathed. If they don't get support from one guy....they go after the other one.

 

How fair is it....for even the bio dad....years later....years lost...memories forever gone....to then be told...."hey, pony up....time to start paying". Where is his compensation for what was stolen from him?

 

I can not even imagine the indignation I would feel....as the victim of fraud...to pay compensation to the person who committed the fraud against me.

 

How often does the birth certificate father get reimbursed? Do the courts order the mother to pay for IC for their child? Or does the mother get to sue/and win HER legal costs? Why the heck should the bio dad pay for that? Shouldn't he be the one to sue for HIS legal costs? Chances are...5,10, heck even 16 years later...wouldn't those costs be significantly more than they would have been at birth?

 

I certainly understand why these types of issues cause men to have mistrust in women and their rights in the legal system. And Why they often feel like a nameless ATM.

[TheBladeRunner]

Run Forrest RUUUUUUN! Same thing w/ the first XW, but she had it happen after 10 years into our marriage. There was nothing to decide, I filed quick and got on with my life. Funny thing is she dropped the kids father 6 months after the kid was born.....I told him it would happen and now he'll be paying for another 6 or 7 years.

[balthazaar]

Yes, I'm meeting with the lawyer, and counselor this week. To get my name off the certificate hopefully this week, The baby was born on oct 28, so I have time. I will also be discussing all the legal aspects about custody, child support and so on. She said he would never be part, if I do decide to stay, but I think otherwise, and will be discussing with the lawyer bc I must know his rights as well. Thanks for the advice aliveagain. Seems like you a much tougher situation. Did she ask you to stay? or stated she wanted to work it out? Did she agree to paternity testing? I'm curious as to her response when confronted.

[Clay]

I would file and walk away. As shown on this site some people are truly horrible. Your a decent guy for even giving the thought of helping her but honestly in the end the child will never be yours and you wont ever have any legal right. The next time she screws someone else and gets tired of you your not only going to suffer than but you wont get to see the kid.

 

Its just not worth it. There are far better women out there than that. A women knows when she has sex with someone else. When she ends up pregnant she has a responsibility to tell all the men she has been with. Its no longer about her its about the child. You know she had no plans on telling you. You also know she would have gone on letting you believe the child was yours.

 

Imagine spending 16 years with the child to only find out its not yours. Some people are just truly horrible. I personally think women that do this should not be allow to have custody of the kids. While its not against the law all you can do is protect yourself.

[firemanq]

 

OP, please, don't gamble with your life - your ex lied to you. Her whole family would have smiled and lied to you while looking you in the eye. Get a lawyer, before it's too late.

 

Similar to my story. She got pregnant and with the active participation of her mother, I got stuck in a marriage with a liar, cheat and a person w/o morals. All during the marriage, I did/could not trust her. I still wonder about the paternity of the other 3 children. Her actions have affected my relationship with all 4 children. Relationships between the children and myself have been strained and that has been passed on to the grandchildren. She never has assumed any responsibility caused by her actions.

 

 

Dump her and save yourself. I feel sorry for the child, but she made the choice to lie and cheat you and the child.

[aliveagain]

Yes, I'm meeting with the lawyer, and counselor this week. To get my name off the certificate hopefully this week, The baby was born on oct 28, so I have time. I will also be discussing all the legal aspects about custody, child support and so on. She said he would never be part, if I do decide to stay, but I think otherwise, and will be discussing with the lawyer bc I must know his rights as well. Thanks for the advice aliveagain. Seems like you a much tougher situation. Did she ask you to stay? or stated she wanted to work it out? Did she agree to paternity testing? I'm curious as to her response when confronted.

 

As strange as this may sound, she never confessed to her affair even after a DNA test done at our Children's Hospital proved that it was impossible for me to be the father. She blamed me for not accepting him as our child and for the break up of our relationship. She never apologized even once. She ended up taking O/M to Court for child support, he threw her under the bus. She begged me to stay, she even offered me a threesome with one of her girlfriends, that just made me roll my eyes a lot. I am still unlisted years later because she keeps trying to contact me, no one is allowed to give her my contact information. Turns out she is bipolar, infidelity is a symptom.

[SawtoothMars]

Of course, my exhusband did not end his relationship there. Our son lived with him for about three years before his Dad died very suddenly of cancer. Son was devastated. His father had left him his entire estate - including a paid off house, truck, and life insurance.

So you can love another man's child.

 

Seriously, if you knew it was a possibility it was your moral obligation to do a DNA check. Or at least inform your husband of the possibility.

 

I personally think this should be a criminal offense. Maybe 10 years in prison would convince certain women to be honest.

 

Yes, I'm meeting with the lawyer, and counselor this week. To get my name off the certificate hopefully this week, The baby was born on oct 28, so I have time. I will also be discussing all the legal aspects about custody, child support and so on. She said he would never be part, if I do decide to stay, but I think otherwise, and will be discussing with the lawyer bc I must know his rights as well. Thanks for the advice

 

I think you are making a wise choice. You should do this before you fall in love with the child.

 

Women like Solostand seem more than willing to expect you to raise their child by another man... but are not the type of person who would do the same if placed in your shoes. Bad people are just bad people and you are best served to avoid them.

[dreamingoftigers]

It will never happen for a number of reasons :

- the state would be saddled with 1 in 30 children to provide for

- the feminist lobby is very strong and against this, as it is a 'presumption of foul play on her part' or something like this ...

- doctors would have to assume responsability

 

In fact right now, there is a huge debate amongst medical practitioners on weather they should disclose stuff like this out of the blue or not.

Like, when the blood test shows that it cannot be his child, or when the child inherits a nasty genetic disease that both the mother and father don't have, etc ...

So far, most think they should shut up and not say anything unless directly asked the question.

 

Like it was stated above, the focus is 'oficially' on the child, but from a practical pov, the society does not want to pay for more kids.

Someone has to.

 

At this moment if the OP makes up with the wife, it would look as if he was accepting the situation.

The only way this can be done from a position of power [the only one with which his wife will negociate fairly] is if he divorces her, removes his responsability for the child, and then maybe pursues a relationship with the child's mother.

Anything less than that and he will be seen as the man who accepted responsability for the child, while still leaving the door open for the bio-dad to come in and be a part of the child's life.

 

NOt quite related but funnily enough....

During Grade 12 Biology back in the day, you could take a little bit of your own blood and see what type it was for sure etc.

 

The rules have (greatly) changed on that front and they now use only simulated stuff. Blood borne pathogens and all.

 

But part of the reason they stopped doing it was that some kids were finding out that "Dad wasn't really Dad." I can only imagine.....

[Radu]

I think why most get riled up over these type of issues, is that the offending party is never held responsible legally.

 

The women go unscathed. If they don't get support from one guy....they go after the other one.

 

How fair is it....for even the bio dad....years later....years lost...memories forever gone....to then be told...."hey, pony up....time to start paying". Where is his compensation for what was stolen from him?

 

I can not even imagine the indignation I would feel....as the victim of fraud...to pay compensation to the person who committed the fraud against me.

 

How often does the birth certificate father get reimbursed? Do the courts order the mother to pay for IC for their child? Or does the mother get to sue/and win HER legal costs? Why the heck should the bio dad pay for that? Shouldn't he be the one to sue for HIS legal costs? Chances are...5,10, heck even 16 years later...wouldn't those costs be significantly more than they would have been at birth?

 

I certainly understand why these types of issues cause men to have mistrust in women and their rights in the legal system. And Why they often feel like a nameless ATM.

 

There have been a few cases where they were held responsible, however they are very few inbetween because you have to prove fraud on her part, which relies on intention and premeditation.

 

Even if you could prove it, most of the times the woman is a single mother or soon-to-be single mother, and the system prefers to not take the child away ... so she is essentially given a slap on the wrist, whilst being draped in the motherhood flag and using her child/children as a shield she will never get a huge cash punishment against her.

[balthazaar]

aliveagain, would you have thought differently if she had not thrown you under the bus. In my case, she accepts whatever choice I do, and doesn't blame me for wanting to leave should I choose to do so. She has even let me say mean, things. About how sick i am, how disgusted, and what a slutty thing it was to do. And she is like if it makes you feel better to put me down, I understand. I know she might just be saying anything at this point, but she hasn't blame me whatsoever in this. She states that raising the baby on her own is what she deserves, and she only has herself to blame, and doesnt expect me to stay, but does hope I do. I inquired about again if she knew going down the isle, she said no... bc he had supposedly had a vasectomy, which when I inquired originally if something was going on, or if she still had feelings, in the past she said no, he got a vasectomy, (Not that having sex does justify any of her actions, or lack of using a condom). I would have expected anger and her blaming me in all this, but this has not been the case.