When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

So...

After that conversation, he did follow through.

I'm still not 100% sure, although he does deserve a chance. He really does.

I got a phone call right on cue last night and I was in the middle of something but I knew it was him because of what time it was. I had to get back to him later, and he said he wanted to ask my plans for dinner, but couldn't wait to eat but still would like to get together. It was getting a little late, but being the holidays and he had today off, it seemed a good time to see each other. It had been a week.

He was affectionate and I didn't pick up on anything unusual or cause for concern. As usual, our conversation flowed very well and naturally. I really have always enjoyed our conversations, he was engaged and we had a good time getting to know each other more... spent a few hours talking over some drinks. No mention of the conversation the night before, which was good.

 

There came a point at the end, maybe with a few drinks in me... that something kind of made a switch flip. All night, his body language was engaged with me, and he did touch me, but at the end I was kind of just well... wanting some 'aggression' on his part. I get that some men are just not like that and more passive. The men I've been with have been very sexually forward and touchy, so this is different for me.

 

We were walking out, I just spilled it. I told him I need something a little more, and wasn't sure how he felt and that's why I brought it up the night before over that phone call. I told him I'm used to being in relationships that were for lack of a better term, more involved. (I don't remember what word I used). I was tipsy :/ I just kind of let all my concerns that I've mentioned here out to him!

He was receptive to it and talked to me, and even at one point, reached out to me and pulled me into him and put my head on his chest.

He said that this isn't the first time he's heard this complaint, that it wasn't me, or his lack of interest, or that there's other women in the picture. What it is that he's not experienced in relationships (Yup, I got that), and that he's just really into his career and lifestyle and hasn't really exposed himself to being substantially/seriously involved with anyone. I know he's had two longer term relationships in his past, but it seems that it was either when he was still in college, or nothing really substantial.

He did mention that we are still early on, it's only been around a month, so pacing it is ok, and that's what he wanted. He said he wasn't sure that he could at this moment be serious with me immediately by getting 100% involved WITHOUT pacing it.

He said something very sweet: how he's just one of those guys that needs a chance. (meaning he may be the underdog, but he still needs an opportunity)! I thought, well... if he puts it that way, I can try to be more patient.

 

In his life, he's been the jock, the star athlete, #1 in the department, all those things. He's the boy next door and has an innocence about him. Not a ladies' man, obviously inexperienced in relationships, etc. I can see how that's happened. He's the guy I would've ignored in high school because he was too 'straight and narrow'. I went for the rebels who ditched school and whose interests were drinking and sex. I spent many years with the bad boys. He's a good guy, which is the kind of man I really want.

 

We talked about how it takes time to open up emotionally and physically, and that they go hand in hand, etc. I told him straight out: I want more of that.

I was about to just head home, but he asked me to come with him. I wasn't planning on doing that, and taking sex off the table for a short time, but I couldn't wait.

And this morning, he did exactly what I was hoping he'd do (again). It was really nice

 

He asked me my plans for tonight (last night) and I really don't have anything set. He didn't have anything firmed up either, but had some friends throwing around the idea of going out to dinner. He didn't come straight out and ASK me, but was insinuating that maybe we could see each other.

I thought about checking in this afternoon and asking. Because I don't have plans with my family or my friends this year, and would be nice to have dinner with him. I thought if anything I'd ask him if he had made solid plans, and if not, maybe we could get dinner at the place we were talking about last night.

 

I know Christmas Eve is a big deal... and maybe too soon to spend together, but it would be nice to be with him tonight. Taking the pressure off, no expectations, just to be in each others' company. If he's not receptive to that, it's alright, I can find another plan. It would be nice though.

Edited December 24, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

Update?

 

I don't know. I feel like when a guy says he's not ready to be serious it means he's trying to bide his time to get more sex & companionship, until you get sick of him being unable to commit more seriously. I could be wrong, though.

[venusishername]

Update?

 

I don't know. I feel like when a guy says he's not ready to be serious it means he's trying to bide his time to get more sex & companionship, until you get sick of him being unable to commit more seriously. I could be wrong, though.

 

No update. We talked on Xmas eve, texted Yesterday.

I'm much less upset and insecure about the fact that we don't see each other more during the week after he explained about his work schedules and the demands of that. He's tired and I really do respect a man who works hard compared to the opposite! Once he explained that to me, I couldn't take it personally.

 

Anyway, I assume we'll see each other this weekend. Lissvarna, the fact that he said that didn't give me that impression. The fact is he told me from the start he wants something more than casual. Maybe he's just not sure he can give me what I need. I know it's not because he doesn't like me or want me.

However, I will say this: I'm used to a more mature man. I've always dated older than me, and maybe there's been a good reason why.

 

He's been pursuing me, and is kind and we have a good time together.

But I'm used to the romance, passion and affection that seems to be inconsistent here.

 

I passed the guy i had been talking to earlier in this thread that I'd been talking to online about a month ago. I told him then I couldn't go out with him. I have since deleted my account because I don't date more than one person and haven't been looking. But I saw that guy the other day on the street and although we hadn't met, I recognized from his pictures. He's older and seems more mature and settled. It made me think twice about what I really need.

 

I didn't contact him of course, I thought that would be bad form, but I did regret that I turned down his offer for a date.

In my situation, I think my guy deserves a fair chance, but I'm just not sure hes at the level of maturity I need in a man at this point.

It's a little 'foggy' now, and it does seem to be improving now that we have communicated more our feelings/position, but I think I'll know for sure soon whether I want to continue with it. There's potential, but I guess I'm just used to more from the man I'm dating. It's nothing he did or didn't do.

I just can't put my finger on what is lacking here... Although there is a connection. Maybe it's just not enough.

I don't feel like I'm falling in love, although I would like to. So I give it a chance.

Edited December 28, 2014 by venusishername

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Has he made suggestions for NYE plans (or if he's working, for the day after)? How did you handle the Christmas gift situation? At 6 weeks something simple like a bottle of cologne or his favorite whiskey is fine.

 

It seems like you have this under control. My advice is the same as always. Don't try to talk yourself into having feelings; that never works out.

[venusishername]

Has he made suggestions for NYE plans (or if he's working, for the day after)? How did you handle the Christmas gift situation? At 6 weeks something simple like a bottle of cologne or his favorite whiskey is fine.

 

It seems like you have this under control. My advice is the same as always. Don't try to talk yourself into having feelings; that never works out.

 

No to NYE suggestions. No idea. I haven't thought about it yet.

I haven't seen him since Wednesday so no exchange of gifts. I was thinking of a bottle of his favorite booze, but we haven't set a date, so I would plan to give it to him then. I don't expect a gift.

I thought I'd hear tonight, but perhaps tomorrow.

Honestly, I'm just not sure it's there, the whole NYE and gift thing. Maybe I'm putting too much weight into my not being sure.

Maybe he feels it too, or could tell by my outpours of recent that I'm on a different level.

I'm sure we'll talk soon.

Edited December 28, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

On the other hand, I have no reason to be uneasy about anything. It's just not moving along like I hoped it would. I thought I'd be falling in love by now. Maybe I'm being impatient, or maybe it's just a lesson that these things can't be forced.

Edited December 28, 2014 by venusishername

[Leigh 87]

It's pretty difficult to fall in love with a man who shows no passion or drive to have you.

 

At 6 weeks you should both be starting to fall in love.

 

what irks me is that he llives so close by to you. If he was into you he'd have stopped off on Christmas and given you a small gift. Even just some flowers. He hasn't lived under a rock. I'm sure if he was crazy about a girl that he'd know how to convey it.

 

I know he seed excited about about you initially. You know, some men, when they don't have sex in a while, they get carried away and excited when they do get it; it's a very normal reaction. Sadly, it appears that after the initial sexy fun, he has lost any drive or passion for you.

 

It reads to me like he thought you were a really nice girl he hadn't had sex in some time and he was excited about talking to a nice seeming woman whom he could also have sex with.

 

If there were deeper emotions involved, such as the feelings of falling in love he'd have taken more initiative to see you. You live a few blocks away !

 

Seriously. Does he ever say that he cannot wait to see you again ?

 

Does he call or text you daily or every second day at the very least ?

 

You should be feeling the passion and sense of craving him at this early stage. He doesn't feel it for you or, as a man, he'd find a way to make it happen especially given the short distance between your places of residency!

[venusishername]

It's pretty difficult to fall in love with a man who shows no passion or drive to have you.

 

At 6 weeks you should both be starting to fall in love.

 

what irks me is that he llives so close by to you. If he was into you he'd have stopped off on Christmas and given you a small gift. Even just some flowers. He hasn't lived under a rock. I'm sure if he was crazy about a girl that he'd know how to convey it.

 

I know he seed excited about about you initially. You know, some men, when they don't have sex in a while, they get carried away and excited when they do get it; it's a very normal reaction. Sadly, it appears that after the initial sexy fun, he has lost any drive or passion for you.

 

It reads to me like he thought you were a really nice girl he hadn't had sex in some time and he was excited about talking to a nice seeming woman whom he could also have sex with.

 

If there were deeper emotions involved, such as the feelings of falling in love he'd have taken more initiative to see you. You live a few blocks away !

 

Seriously. Does he ever say that he cannot wait to see you again ?

 

Does he call or text you daily or every second day at the very least ?

 

You should be feeling the passion and sense of craving him at this early stage. He doesn't feel it for you or, as a man, he'd find a way to make it happen especially given the short distance between your places of residency!

 

I agree. Yes I do hear from him every other day or two at the least. Maybe every few days at the longest.

Your post was a little unnerving though. I realize I have posted my picture but in disguise so I'm trying to be as anonymous as possible. I don't recall mentioning the distance between our homes. If I'm no longer anonymous, I don't want his identity to be known. Sorry, maybe I'm being paranoid. I don't remember mentioning the proximity of where we live.

 

I wasn't in town on Xmas day, so I don't take offense to not seeing me on Xmas.

But yes, I no longer feel that 'craving' feeling... It seems like it passed on both ends after the initial 'sexy fun'. I wouldn't go so far to say that he's lost all passion or drive for me. That's a far stretch. But yes, you're right... At least flowers, right? It seemed like it was about to accelerate and I definitely felt that passion and excitement. But not so much recently.

I keep wanting to believe otherwise!

What can I do? What should I say or not say, give it more time or does it matter? Hang back? I wasn't interested in dating others but now I'm starting to be. Should I do that, tell him I can't continue, or continue seeing him until I'm absolutely clear? I don't want to have regrets.

Edited December 28, 2014 by venusishername

[Conners]

Hi Venus,

 

I've read your thread from start to finish and I think this guy is definitely interested in you and actually sounds like a decent guy . The only thing that raises a red flag to me is the non-exclusivity. You've been seeing each other 5-6 weeks now and you have voiced your concerns to him about feeling on edge and not knowing where you stand at times. You've brought up the "where are we going talk" a few weeks ago now and he still hasn't agreed or suggested to be an official couple.

 

He is 30 years old, he should know by now if he wants you to be his girlfriend, this "I'm inexperienced" talk sounds a little odd. I am in my early 20s and I've dated guys around your age and currently a guy younger than me and the few times I did bring up the "where are we going" speech after a month or so they asked to be official straight away and said they were glad I brought it up.

 

I hope things go well with this guy but don't go more than 2 months without exclusivity. It seems ridiculous if someone didn't know how they truly felt after that amount of time.

[Leigh 87]

Relax I live in Australia! I have no effing clue where either of you live!

 

To begin with, he seemed keen on you. He planned dates, had two long dates nearly immediately... YOU felt the chemistry but I am not sure if he did - to the extent that you did - or why did he lose your number the first time around when he met you?

 

Remember that it is all too easy to project our own feelings onto others! I too, when I feel intense chemistry and attraction as well as a drive to get to know a man - it FEELS like hey, they MUST have felt something similar. Surely. Sadly, it is not often the case - or else we would all be coupled up with the men who get us all hot and bothered! IF only they felt the same..

 

I am sure he felt excited about meeting up with you again, however; I am just not feeling like your attraction and excitement surrounding getting to know this man was mutual - OR, another alternative explanation for his current blatant disinterest could be that he WAS initially feeling it with you, but for whatever reason has lost his drive to get to know you better.

 

One thing is for sure; if he WAS into you, sorry, but he would absolutely be seeing you more often given that you live nearby! Which, by the way, you volunteered this information in your initial posts....

 

I am sure he is attracted to you and he thinks you're a lovely lady or else he wouldn't bother talking to you so often. But that is it.

 

When a man is truly into you, he calls every other day, he sets up dates regularly at least twice per week, and if he lives nearby and you have been seeing one another for over a month - he would drop off some flowers or at least a Christmas card that outlined how excited he was about meeting you. He would gave done SOMETHING for Christmas after 6 weeks - IF he was really into you.

 

We want to fall in love.. to meet a man who we can walk hand in hand with, whom we have crazy passion with and cannot stop kissing, whom we have great sex with and who we can fall hard for. And for it to be mutual.

 

This man just isn't it. Sorry. Men do not just "grow" into you all of a sudden.. when a man feels true passion and chemistry to a high degree and it is ALSO coupled with genuine feelings - he will show it from the beginning - maybe not over the top and full on but he WILL show it consistently, rather than come on strong only to drop off. Men who are really into you just don't act in the manner in which this guy is!

 

I would wait until he contacts you. When he does, simply gather your self respect and pride and say that you need to call him to talk. And then just simply tell him " look, I know what I am looking for and this isn't it, I wish you all the best"

 

Or you know. You could wait around for him to suddenly become all passionate and excited about you.

 

What do you think his attitude says about his feelings towards you if you ARE to continue longer term? That maybe he settled for you because you are a nice girl? What happens when the girl he is nuts about comes along one day, do you think he will feel this lukewarm about seeing her and arranging dates to see the girl he goes crazy over?

 

Just find what you are seeking. That is all. It is that simple and yet that complicated because you make it as such.

 

Just do what you know needs to be done please.. for your own sanity.. holding on aint doing you any favours... chalk this up to experience and just hold out for a guy who you not only feel chemistry for, but who MUTUALLY shows that he feels the same way about you - and then backs it up with actions actions actions...

[Conners]

 

Remember that it is all too easy to project our own feelings onto others! I too, when I feel intense chemistry and attraction as well as a drive to get to know a man - it FEELS like hey, they MUST have felt something similar. Surely. Sadly, it is not often the case - or else we would all be coupled up with the men who get us all hot and bothered! IF only they felt the same..

 

I am sure he felt excited about meeting up with you again, however; I am just not feeling like your attraction and excitement surrounding getting to know this man was mutual - OR, another alternative explanation for his current blatant disinterest could be that he WAS initially feeling it with you, but for whatever reason has lost his drive to get to know you better.

 

One thing is for sure; if he WAS into you, sorry, but he would absolutely be seeing you more often given that you live nearby! Which, by the way, you volunteered this information in your initial posts....

 

I am sure he is attracted to you and he thinks you're a lovely lady or else he wouldn't bother talking to you so often. But that is it.

 

When a man is truly into you, he calls every other day, he sets up dates regularly at least twice per week, and if he lives nearby and you have been seeing one another for over a month - he would drop off some flowers or at least a Christmas card that outlined how excited he was about meeting you. He would gave done SOMETHING for Christmas after 6 weeks - IF he was really into you.

 

We want to fall in love.. to meet a man who we can walk hand in hand with, whom we have crazy passion with and cannot stop kissing, whom we have great sex with and who we can fall hard for. And for it to be mutual.

 

This man just isn't it. Sorry. Men do not just "grow" into you all of a sudden.. when a man feels true passion and chemistry to a high degree and it is ALSO coupled with genuine feelings - he will show it from the beginning - maybe not over the top and full on but he WILL show it consistently, rather than come on strong only to drop off. Men who are really into you just don't act in the manner in which this guy is!

 

I would wait until he contacts you. When he does, simply gather your self respect and pride and say that you need to call him to talk. And then just simply tell him " look, I know what I am looking for and this isn't it, I wish you all the best"

 

Or you know. You could wait around for him to suddenly become all passionate and excited about you.

 

What do you think his attitude says about his feelings towards you if you ARE to continue longer term? That maybe he settled for you because you are a nice girl? What happens when the girl he is nuts about comes along one day, do you think he will feel this lukewarm about seeing her and arranging dates to see the girl he goes crazy over?

 

Just find what you are seeking. That is all. It is that simple and yet that complicated because you make it as such.

 

Just do what you know needs to be done please.. for your own sanity.. holding on aint doing you any favours... chalk this up to experience and just hold out for a guy who you not only feel chemistry for, but who MUTUALLY shows that he feels the same way about you - and then backs it up with actions actions actions...

 

 

Leigh, I've said this before and I will say it again to you. All relationships are different, some move faster than others. In some of your own threads you have specifically said that you go after less attractive guys so they would be head over heels for you. Of course your dating experience is going to be different because it's well... an odd way to go about dating. My boyfriend wasn't very attentive when we first started dating but I know he is crazy about me now. People who come off very very strong early often burnout quickly with their feelings and aren't always mentally sound.. For example, one guy bombarded me with texts daily, sent double messages, always asked to see me, told me he was falling in love with me after 2 weeks and it freaked me out. I still continued to see him and guess what.. two weeks later hes official with another girl out of no where. haha.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I've said this before and I will say it again to you. All relationships are different, some move faster than others. In some of your own threads you have specifically said that you go after less attractive guys so they would be head over heels for you. Of course your dating experience is going to be different because it's well... an odd way to go about dating. My boyfriend wasn't very attentive when we first started dating but I know he is crazy about me now. People who come off very very strong early often burnout quickly with their feelings and aren't always mentally sound.. For example, one guy bombarded me with texts daily, sent double messages, always asked to see me, told me he was falling in love with me after 2 weeks and it freaked me out. I still continued to see him and guess what.. two weeks later hes official with another girl out of no where. haha.

 

I go for guys I that i find cute. Some cute guys have been really into me. I just don't go for hot guys who i usually see with prettier girls than me.

 

And i prefer a guy who is really into me and attracted to me from day one.

 

Some men don't have to grow to be attracted to you ; they feel attracted and excited to get to know you from the outset.

 

It's great that you're bf didn't initially feel that into you and he had to grow attracted and excited about dating you. That's the method you enjoyed.

 

Me and I suspect also the OP, prefer guys to be into us from day one. We don't want a guy who has to take a month or more in order to feel passionate and excited about us.

 

There are different style of dating. I prefer to wait out for the chemistry and attraction. I don't like the slow burn where a guy isn't initially very attracted to me and he has to grow more slowly to love me, say, 6 months or more to fall in love. When there are girls who he will fall much faster for. I wait out to be " that " girl he falls hard for.

[Conners]

I go for guys I that i find cute. Some cute guys have been really into me. I just don't go for hot guys who i usually see with prettier girls than me.

 

And i prefer a guy who is really into me and attracted to me from day one.

 

Some men don't have to grow to be attracted to you ; they feel attracted and excited to get to know you from the outset.

It's great that you're bf didn't initially feel that into you and he had to grow attracted and excited about dating you. That's the method you enjoyed.

 

Me and I suspect also the OP, prefer guys to be into us from day one. We don't want a guy who has to take a month or more in order to feel passionate and excited about us.

 

There are different style of dating. I prefer to wait out for the chemistry and attraction. I don't like the slow burn where a guy isn't initially very attracted to me and he has to grow more slowly to love me, say, 6 months or more to fall in love. When there are girls who he will fall much faster for. I wait out to be " that " girl he falls hard for.

 

I did not say he was not into me - he just did not bombard me with text messages and come on too strong because he had his own life, friends and commitments. After a few months he was more clingy and affectionate. If i am not mistaken you and your ex boyfriend were crazy for each other from day one and look at how that turned out..you got bored of him sucking up your hole.

No offense.

Edited December 28, 2014 by Conners

[Leigh 87]

I did not say he was not into me - he just did not bombard me with text messages and come on too strong because he had his own life, friends and commitments. After a few months he was more clingy and affectionate. If i am not mistaken you and your ex boyfriend were crazy for each other from day one and look at how that turned out..you got bored of him sucking up your hole.

No offense.

 

 

Yeah I agree withthe texting thing. I've learned that that.

 

A guy definitely doesn't have to text constantly in order to be interested!

 

What I've noticed about the OPS case that is disconcerting is the fact he lives within walking distance and yet doesn't plan to see her more readily.

 

And after 6 weeks if he was smitten he'd have popped over and given her a small gift in my honest opinion.

[idoltree]

Yeah I agree withthe texting thing. I've learned that that.

 

A guy definitely doesn't have to text constantly in order to be interested!

 

What I've noticed about the OPS case that is disconcerting is the fact he lives within walking distance and yet doesn't plan to see her more readily.

 

And after 6 weeks if he was smitten he'd have popped over and given her a small gift in my honest opinion.

 

Leigh, you are imposing your imaginary dating rules on other people. People are different, situations are different. Your idea of a romantic gesture that "should" happen might feel creepy and imposing to others.

 

OP does not doubt this guy's interest, nor should she. She is relatively secure, and is here talking about her feelings in relation to how things are playing out with this man.

 

The frantic "is he or isn't he" that you seem to want to bring out in the OP is not relevant to her situation.

[cif]

Girls, a man has to feel passion initially because, for men, passion fades.. or at least is not as constant. Exclusivity before sex will get you much further with a guy you're interested in long term.

 

Venus: my concern with this guy is he's no longer holding your interest. You're regretting not going on the date with the online guy, that speaks volumes about how you're feeling in the current situation. No excuses, i.e. his lack of experience (seriously at 30), he's really going to try, etc. Six weeks is enough time to decide. If he doesn't make plans for NYE, I'd move on.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Whoa, does he really live within walking distance? No personal details, please, but that's actually relevant here. He can walk to your place and you're still going more than a week without seeing him? I used to date a lawyer who was a 5-minute walk from my place, and even at our busiest we could at least squeeze in a quick visit on the way home from work. "I'm too busy to walk down the street and see you" is a little hard to swallow.

 

Lack of experience is not an excuse. In this case it doesn't even seem valid; if he's had two longer-term relationships by age 30 that's reasonably experienced (quality over quantity, right?). He's just more focused on work right now. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like he wants to put this relationship ahead of or even on equal footing with his career. Once again, you have to put actions ahead of words, and even though he talks about wanting to be serious all of his actions scream casual. I think he's interested in you but just not interested enough to be genuinely serious about it. That's not your fault.

 

I agree with Conners that all relationships are different and proceed at their own pace, and I'd be suspicious of anyone who was immediately headlong in love. But even if he's not blowing up your phone, you shouldn't be doubting. You shouldn't be wondering how enthusiastic he is or not sure if he's going to make plans for the weekend. You should at least feel comfortable with where things are. I think it's a bad sign that you're regretting not going out with Mr. Internet and you're still not sure if this guy has what it takes to satisfy you.

 

You say "I don't expect a gift" but your expectations don't have to be through the floor. Surely you can expect some gesture of affection? He should make plans for NYE, especially after the talk you had about wanting to plan things more. A firefighter may have to put in an extra shift on New Year's Eve but at the very least you could celebrate over the weekend and exchange Christmas gifts then. I know as a blue-collar public worker he doesn't have a lot of money, and a nice restaurant may be out of the question, but some pretty flowers wouldn't break the bank.

Edited December 28, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[venusishername]

Venus: my concern with this guy is he's no longer holding your interest. You're regretting not going on the date with the online guy, that speaks volumes about how you're feeling in the current situation. No excuses, i.e. his lack of experience (seriously at 30), he's really going to try, etc. Six weeks is enough time to decide. If he doesn't make plans for NYE, I'd move on.

 

Yes, that's the bottom line. He's not holding my interest. I don't doubt he is interested in me, despite the fact that I still only see him twice a week if that. No word since Friday. If he had a fire under him about me, I would see more effort on his part. And that's not happening anymore.

He might just be just interested enough to keep it the way it is.

He was holding it just fine and then I started wanting a bit more, and he's not delivering.

 

Whoa, does he really live within walking distance? No personal details, please, but that's actually relevant here. He can walk to your place and you're still going more than a week without seeing him? I used to date a lawyer who was a 5-minute walk from my place, and even at our busiest we could at least squeeze in a quick visit on the way home from work. "I'm too busy to walk down the street and see you" is a little hard to swallow.

 

Lack of experience is not an excuse. In this case it doesn't even seem valid; if he's had two longer-term relationships by age 30 that's reasonably experienced (quality over quantity, right?). He's just more focused on work right now. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like he wants to put this relationship ahead of or even on equal footing with his career. Once again, you have to put actions ahead of words, and even though he talks about wanting to be serious all of his actions scream casual. I think he's interested in you but just not interested enough to be genuinely serious about it. That's not your fault.

 

I agree with Conners that all relationships are different and proceed at their own pace, and I'd be suspicious of anyone who was immediately headlong in love. But even if he's not blowing up your phone, you shouldn't be doubting. You shouldn't be wondering how enthusiastic he is or not sure if he's going to make plans for the weekend. You should at least feel comfortable with where things are. I think it's a bad sign that you're regretting not going out with Mr. Internet and you're still not sure if this guy has what it takes to satisfy you.

 

You say "I don't expect a gift" but your expectations don't have to be through the floor. Surely you can expect some gesture of affection? He should make plans for NYE, especially after the talk you had about wanting to plan things more. A firefighter may have to put in an extra shift on New Year's Eve but at the very least you could celebrate over the weekend and exchange Christmas gifts then. I know as a blue-collar public worker he doesn't have a lot of money, and a nice restaurant may be out of the question, but some pretty flowers wouldn't break the bank.

 

Well, first of all, I've dated many lawyers being in that field and the truth is a man's profession has no correlation to his manners or the amount of effort he puts into dating. Also, money has no relevance either. I don't think it's about what he does, or the amount of money he makes has anything to do with anything. NYE, sure it would be nice to go out to dinner, but I'm the kind of girl who'd just be happy to be with the guy I'm interested in. Romantic gestures are great, most men I've known have fallen short in that department. I'm not saying that's what you implied, just stating that it's of no relevance to me when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

I agree with you, and I'm not stressing over 'is he or isn't he interested'. If he were taking it seriously, it would be holding my interest.

Which is why my expectations for a gift or NYE plans are nearly nonexistent.

I'm looking for a guy who will sweep me off my feet and carry me into the bedroom. That is lacking here. If by some chance that changes or he comes through, that's great! I would LOVE that. But I think by now that would have happened, or rather it would be accelerating.

I know from experience that there should be much more urgency happening at this point. If that was there, I'd be falling for the guy.

Edited December 28, 2014 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

Generally, in my experience, every time I had to have a talk like that, it was the end of the dating relationship. Usually it lasted a couple more weeks. But if you have to bring up things like that so early, it usually means it's not working out. Having "issues" should come way later in a good relationship.

[venusishername]

But if you have to bring up things like that so early, it usually means it's not working out.

I can see why this is true.

I have not heard from the man since Friday.

I have no idea if and when I will hear again. I was the one who initiated both times, once on Xmas Eve with a phone call, and then texted on Friday. Nothing since those conversations.

In the past, we would have seen each other at LEAST on Saturday or Sunday night. Or maybe a phone call at least to check in. Not this weekend. Not a peep.

Maybe he still thinks I'm not initiating enough. Maybe all he wants is the way it has been. Maybe he's not feeling it anymore.

In any case, I've already lined up other plans for NYE. I was hoping we'd be spending it together, but not so thrilled on that idea anymore. Unfortunately, I'll be the single girl among my group of friends. Again.

 

He seemed genuinely interested, sincere, and into me. I felt the same.

I'm not sure what transpired to change that. I guess he could say the same about me.

I suppose it's just not there, as much as I'd like it to be.

I'm wondering if it's worth even mentioning, or attempting to get together again. He may ask to see me, or call me any day now.

 

The fact that it's dropped off since the beginning is the indication to me that it's just not working out. I know it's supposed to be accelerating.

Unless the next time we see each other is a miraculous break-through, I just don't see this progressing.

It's unfortunate because I DO feel a great connection, he's a good guy and has many qualities I desire in a man.

But... you can't fit a square peg in a round hole. And he knows that just as well as I do.

 

Would it be bad form to text that guy I turned down for a date a month ago? After passing him in the street the other day, I couldn't help but think I made a mistake by not seeing him. (Background: I never met him in person, we met online and had been chatting for weeks. I met the guy I write about in this thread around the same time and chose dating him over being available to anyone else).

 

I think it's time to reactivate my dating app.

Edited December 29, 2014 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

You have to see dating just as a search process. Every attempt that doesn't work out brings you closer to the one that will, statistically. It's no no no no no no yes!! It's bound to happen if you keep looking and don't let the "no's" bring you down. Also, take it as lessons learned along the way. Learn about what works and what doesn't work and make adjustments.

 

I don't see what you have to lose contacting that guy. If you don't contact him, you dont have a date. If you contact him and he says no, you also don't have a date. So I'd contact him, bad form or not. Don't worry about that. But have no expectations.

[Rommex]

Multi dating. Gotta keep up with the rest of the women.

[venusishername]

You have to see dating just as a search process. Every attempt that doesn't work out brings you closer to the one that will, statistically. It's no no no no no no yes!! It's bound to happen if you keep looking and don't let the "no's" bring you down. Also, take it as lessons learned along the way. Learn about what works and what doesn't work and make adjustments.

 

I don't see what you have to lose contacting that guy. If you don't contact him, you dont have a date. If you contact him and he says no, you also don't have a date. So I'd contact him, bad form or not. Don't worry about that. But have no expectations.

 

I agree, BlueEye. I'm not going to give up. I know what I want!

 

 

Eek, what should I say??

'Hey, thought I might've seen you in person last week, I know I said no to meeting you for a date before, but now I'm available and still would like to meet you'??

Wouldn't you take offense to that if you were him?

Like, 'what, I wasn't good enough for you before, now you change your mind since it didn't work out with someone else??'

[venusishername]

Multi dating. Gotta keep up with the rest of the women.

 

I refuse to multi date.

I like to dedicate my attention to one man at a time. That's just how I do it.

[BluEyeL]

I would multidate, but at some point it required too much time. Nothing wrong with multidating but I have a life outside of dating. So I did it serially for the last year of singlehood.

 

I would start by apologizing for bailing on him. Say that you were having some uncertainties in your life at that point and you are not into multidating. But now, your schedule opened up and you'd be interested in meeting if he's still available.

 

He might be offended or might not. Because we don't know him, we don't know which one it is. You just try with no expectations. Don't worry about what he thinks. If he says no it's a no, if he says yes, it's a yes.

 

With my boyfriend of six months, I postponed on him because I was dating someone else and it appeared it wasn't going well anymore but wanted that to end completely before dating him. So I told him I'm not available for the next couple of weeks. And later I contacted him told him the trip I had got cancelled and I'm available for a date. And we've been together since. But in my case I told him I was going on a trip. Which was true, but it wasn't the reason. Had no contact until I asked him for the date.