When it rains it pours

[SmartDude]

Hehe, this thread is like every guy's worst nightmare. "She really likes me but is going to loose interest cause I can't satisfy her in bed."

 

This is also a great example of how women sabotage emerging relationships with just the power of their own minds(and with a little helpful "advice" from other women).

 

venus, You are a smart lady who is full of life, I can gather this from the way you express yourself. You might be your own worst enemy in this particular situation though. I say that with nothing but love:o.

 

I like sex a lot as well. Sometimes I do not want to feel sexual though because it creates an environment in the mind that is not conductive to other important activities.

 

That being said, my last GF would scream bloody murder if I tried to finish before she did in the bedroom, and then just go to sleep:eek:. And if I did finish before her, I knew my right arm was going to be sore from fingering her vigorously for the next half an hour so she could finish. She was a bitch but she trained me well:). Maybe you just need to let it be known that when you have sex, he needs to satisfy you one way or the other....and that is just a part of having sex with you.(pfft actually every woman should do this lol)

 

If his pepe needs some training you can help. Teach him about "edging" if he does not know what that is. You can even make it a fun game out of it and wager bets on if he can control it or not lol. There is a technique known as "male injaculation" were a guy can ejaculate but absorb it back into the scrotum and remain firm after orgasm...Great for quick shooters.

 

Be careful about gauging that "raw sexual desire" that some women think is an indicator of anything. That can jump from 0 to 100 in a matter of moments or go from totally hot to nothing. I have had women just say the wrong thing accidentally, and then, we both watch as my erection goes down:p

[venusishername]

Honestly, I'm feeling a little bit of a fade out on his end, just within the past week. I initiated contact last night and we did text, but haven't heard back again, not even to plan a next date or even just talk. He just doesn't seem so eager to see me as compared to before. On the other hand, he just said a few days ago before our last date that he missed me.

Maybe I'm feeling more insecure due to the sex thing, but it's just something I've noticed this week. I could be worried for no reason. I'm sure he'll come around.

In any case, I am going to press the 'restart' button.

I'll worry about the sex games if and when the time comes again.

It's hard with the holidays being here. Expectations rise and more susceptible to loneliness.

Edited December 19, 2014 by venusishername

[cif]

Have you guys been on activity dates? Something that isn't dinner/drinks.

 

Sex is good but maybe you're risking being too aggressive. I like the plan to pull back and when he does contact you again plan an outdoor date, like a day trip. You need to remove him from his environment. I live in NYC and among the many places to go.. we have vineyards not very far with wine tasting. Things like that.

[venusishername]

Have you guys been on activity dates? Something that isn't dinner/drinks. Sex is good but maybe you're risking being too aggressive. I like the plan to pull back and when he does contact you again plan an outdoor date, like a day trip. You need to remove him from his environment. I live in NYC and among the many places to go.. we have vineyards not very far with wine tasting. Things like that.

 

We have, but not often enough. Maybe once or twice since we started dating 5 weeks ago now.

I think that's a great idea though, because we're both very active. I can think of a few ideas! We live in a big city with plenty to do. We both work regular hours, but I'm off weekends and he typically has been working weekends. But... both off in the evening around the same time. A day activity would be really nice.

 

I was happy to hear from him this afternoon, he asked me what my plans were for the weekend. I take that as he wants to plan something

I'm so anxious to see him. I have plans tonight that are going to tie me up, but I'm kind of hoping he might come visit me there because he lives very close by to where I will be.

Phew! I was starting to get worried there. I need to chill out.

Edited December 20, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Yeah, I spoke too soon.

Radio silence since this afternoon. I responded with my plans for the weekend and asked his. Nothing. No phone call this week, no making plans in advance. Not urgent to see me anymore. I just now sent a text back, 8 hours later asking what happened? (Meaning why no response). I wouldn't normally have done that but this seems to be a pattern and I'm starting to feel offended.

I'm just about done with this guy. I'm done with the contacting me then I respond then I don't hear back until the next day. I'm tired of my invitations getting rejected. I did want to open up. He's just not earning my trust anymore. I don't understand. He seemed GENUINELY interested and obviously not in it for the sex from the start. Infatuation does fade.

I thought we had something going.

I'm seriously about to delete his number and never initiate again.

It is dropping off. Maybe he sent that text to the wrong girl.

I'm really upset.

Edited December 20, 2014 by venusishername

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

This is the worst advice I've seen in the last 50 years.

 

Um, I don't think you actually read my post. I was replying to her earlier question about if dating was supposed to feel like that at six weeks. The second line refers to a comment her boyfriend had made. There's no actual advice in my post, at all, but, uh, keep judging, I guess.

 

Venus, I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad you're standing up for yourself. You deserve better.

[venusishername]

Um, I don't think you actually read my post. I was replying to her earlier question about if dating was supposed to feel like that at six weeks. The second line refers to a comment her boyfriend had made. There's no actual advice in my post, at all, but, uh, keep judging, I guess.

 

Venus, I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad you're standing up for yourself. You deserve better.

 

Thanks, I'm resetting. The thing is, I'm sure I'll be hearing back from him. He wouldn't just drop off. My honest opinion is that something must've happened in the last week that made him pull back. Maybe someone else he's interested in.

I can't imagine his interest faded completely because he's been contacting me and said he missed me just last weekend.

I reactivated my Tinder app just to 'snoop'. He's not on there anymore. At least I didn't find him in my match history.

He seemed pretty gaga over me. So this behavior is causing the alarm bells to go off.

I am WAY holding back and not giving in so easily anymore. I know he would have the decency to be honest with me if he didn't want to see me anymore, or if something was going on.

When I do hear, probably tonight, I'll let him know that his repeated declining of my invitations, mostly seeing me on his terms, and the radio silence when I text back, is not ok with me. If he wants to see me again, he's going to have to step up in a big way.

Maybe he can't.

And that's too bad. He is a good guy. I would like this to continue. But not like this.

[mysteryscape]

Wow, so it went really well!

I really like this guy and it seems like he is genuine. I don't feel uneasy or nervous in a bad way, or uncertain or anxious. It felt very comfortable and I had a good time.

 

I'd like to continue to date other people, obviously... but it seems like he's honing in on me. He seems to be relationship minded.

 

I also see there are a lot of other great guys out there and I want to give them a chance too. I know what I want, so I just need to go get it and not be so afraid to open up my heart again.

 

Haven't read the whole thread, just your first posts. Got to the part where he seems to be losing interest after I wrote the following:

 

So, you're really into this guy, you want to have sex with him, you're making out like crazy -- and you are reluctant to have a "relationship" while that seems to be what he wants. And "obviously" you want to continue to date other people, "a lot other great guys out there."

 

It doesn't sound to me like you're very good marriage material. If I were interested in you possibly for marriage, if I were just a marriage-minded guy, I'd probably drop you like a rock.

 

Keep it up and you'll still be wondering why you're single at 40. Hate to put it so bluntly, but there it is.

[venusishername]

Haven't read the whole thread, just your first posts. Got to the part where he seems to be losing interest after I wrote the following:

 

So, you're really into this guy, you want to have sex with him, you're making out like crazy -- and you are reluctant to have a "relationship" while that seems to be what he wants. And "obviously" you want to continue to date other people, "a lot other great guys out there."

 

It doesn't sound to me like you're very good marriage material. If I were interested in you possibly for marriage, if I were just a marriage-minded guy, I'd probably drop you like a rock.

 

Keep it up and you'll still be wondering why you're single at 40. Hate to put it so bluntly, but there it is.

 

Well, it probably would've been helpful if you did read the thread.

I do want a relationship and I have no interest in dating multiple men.

Telling a woman she's not marriage material is prob the most offensive thing you could say to a woman.

I don't know you, so I take all this with a grain of salt.

[mysteryscape]

Wow, so it went really well!

I really like this guy and it seems like he is genuine.

 

I'm having trouble reigning in my hormones because I'm lucky if I have sex once every couple months and his body is like chiseled marble and I've touched it. We made out again, I made the mistake of inviting him in after he walked me home after kissing outside. I wanted to and it wasn't the first time anyway.

 

I'd like to continue to date other people, obviously... but it seems like he's honing in on me. He seems to be relationship minded.

 

I also see there are a lot of other great guys out there and I want to give them a chance too. I know what I want, so I just need to go get it and not be so afraid to open up my heart again.

 

Perhaps I misunderstood. A lot to read through in the rest of the thread, maybe I'll give it a go.

[mysteryscape]

I feel very conflicted and nervous about going out with multiple people. I don't know if I'm going to like the second guy in person, (online dating is kinda new for me) but we've been texting all day for the past several days now and today he did ask to get together for a drink this week or weekend. So far he seems very much on the same page, we have things in common, he seems like my type of guy with similar interests and intentions. He's asked me a lot of questions about myself and says he really likes talking with me. I'm excited to meet him but also super nervous... always meeting in person is nerve-wracking. Maybe I won't like him, maybe it will be awkward, a waste of time, he will be a total bore or not as attractive in person, etc. What if it goes well, what do I do? If it doesn't, what about other opportunities that may arise?

 

How can I let the guy who's genuinely interested in me know that although I do want to get to know him more and I do also want something serious that I think I just need some time? Do I need to say something at this point or wait until he brings it up? I don't want to hurt him or lead him on. I would hate to be out with someone else and him see me and feel hurt.. I experienced that recently and it hurt. So far he's great but I feel this nagging defense mechanism to keep my options open. Am I being unfair to him by not mentioning that I'm talking to and open to others? When does that conversation happen? Right now it seems too soon but I don't want to screw this up by pushing him away.

 

Am I misunderstanding something?

[mysteryscape]

You can take your time and go slow without dating other men. I really think that may change things for the two of you if pursue other people. While it's early, he seems to have everything going for him that you want and he's obviously incredibly interested. Don't assume that by not dating other people you are not going to be able to take things slow-no, no. IF you want something serious with this guy, you really need to rethink your dating strategy. You can always start dating other people if it fizzles, but I'd steer clear until then. Usually multi-daters STOP dating around when they find someone they click with the way you click with this guy. That's kind of the point.

 

she's picking the perfect strategy to mess things up. I think you have it right here in your post.

[mysteryscape]

 

As an aside: the word "multi-daters", as if it's a specific type of person, is ridiculous. When you're dating online you have scores of options and often multiple date requests per week. If I went on three dates with each guy, one at a time, it would take years. The only real option is to see as many of them as you find interesting and narrow it down from there. It never took me more than three dates to realize I really liked someone, so it's not as though I was "juggling" dozens of suitors for months at a time.

 

It's not ridiculous, you can find plenty of OLD "experts" who recommend it and use the term outright.

 

It is ridiculous to say that the only real option is multidating -- i.e. "see as many of them as you find interesting" as you put it.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

It's not ridiculous, you can find plenty of OLD "experts" who recommend it and use the term outright.

 

It is ridiculous to say that the only real option is multidating -- i.e. "see as many of them as you find interesting" as you put it.

 

You misunderstood my point---once again, you didn't bother to read what was written. I have no objection to "multi-dating", but the term "multi-daters" as a type of petson. When you're using online dating, it's impractical to only see one person at a time. In "real life", I am usually asked out only once or twice a month and of course I wouldn't say yes to them all (I don't say yes to any of them now as a happily taken woman), so I wouldn't be dating multiple people at once even if I wanted to. When I dated mutliple people at a time it was a matter of being reasonable, not a personal philosophy. If I had given each guy on the site who interested me his own three-week window to get to know me, I'd be on there for years. "Sorry, I like you but you'll have to get in line"? Yeah, no.

Edited December 21, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[mysteryscape]

You misunderstood my point---once again, you didn't bother to read what was written. I have no objection to "multi-dating", but the term "multi-daters" as a type of petson. When you're using online dating, it's impractical to only see one person at a time. In "real life", I am usually asked out only once or twice a month and of course I wouldn't say yes to them all (I don't say yes to any of them now as a happily taken woman), so I wouldn't be dating multiple people at once even if I wanted to. When I dated mutliple people at a time it was a matter of being reasonable, not a personal philosophy. If I had given each guy on the site who interested me his own three-week window to get to know me, I'd be on there for years. "Sorry, I like you but you'll have to get in line"? Yeah, no.

 

As I said, it is not I but the multi-dating proponents who invented and popularized the terms multi-date. And not everyone online is a multidater.

 

So you see one guy 3 times a week or 3 guys once a week. There's not a lot of difference that I can tell.

 

"Sorry, I like you and you'll have to be part of my rotation this week?" Yeah, no.

[winnerwinnerchicken]

ive read the entire thing from front to back and although he may have a fading interest now,as a guy i would say that maybe he had read sites about how to treat women. Dating sites basically tell a man to take it easy, play it cool or she will bail. I think this is what he was doing. Either way, if he does never talk to you again, know that each time you are doing better and that one will work in your favour again very soon.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

As I said, it is not I but the multi-dating proponents who invented and popularized the terms multi-date. And not everyone online is a multidater.

 

So you see one guy 3 times a week or 3 guys once a week. There's not a lot of difference that I can tell.

 

"Sorry, I like you and you'll have to be part of my rotation this week?" Yeah, no.

 

Never mind that more than 70% of first dates don't lead to second dates. Never mind that it only takes minutes of meeting someone face-to-face to determine whether you have chemistry. If I agree to get drinks with a total stranger I met online I need to be committed to him and him alone, damn it! Yeah, OK. I'm not going to derail Venus's thread any longer, but I don't think Venus cares whether you think she's marriage material (as if you're somehow the arbiter of that standard).

 

Venus, did you hear from him this weekend? What did you end up doing? If you talk to him again you have to put your foot down. Blowing you off and telling you you have to "book him earlier" is really rude, especially when he won't respond to your text messages. It could be that he's trying to play it cool, like the previous poster suggested. I wonder if your text made him reconsider your sexual compatibility. Or maybe something else has happened. I do think he was genuinely interested, but an interested guy wouldn't be blowing you off like this when you asked about weekend plans.

[mysteryscape]

If I agree to get drinks with a total stranger I met online I need to be committed to him and him alone, damn it! Yeah, OK.

 

 

Go ahead and put words in my mouth.

 

In the meantime, here's an interesting article from Huffington Post that says most online daters only date one at a time:

 

Survey Says Online Daters Likely to Date One Person at a Time | Julie Spira

[Brooke02]

Venus, Maybe it's because when he asks you what your plans are you always have something going on and ask him if he wants to come by. I dont know, just speculation here. He might not be the chasing type.

[venusishername]

she's picking the perfect strategy to mess things up. I think you have it right here in your post.

You are going way off into left field. Gotta keep with what's happening currently!

 

ive read the entire thing from front to back and although he may have a fading interest now,as a guy i would say that maybe he had read sites about how to treat women. Dating sites basically tell a man to take it easy, play it cool or she will bail. I think this is what he was doing. Either way, if he does never talk to you again, know that each time you are doing better and that one will work in your favour again very soon.

I have no idea where this guy's head is at. But interesting point.

 

Venus, did you hear from him this weekend? What did you end up doing? If you talk to him again you have to put your foot down. Blowing you off and telling you you have to "book him earlier" is really rude, especially when he won't respond to your text messages. It could be that he's trying to play it cool, like the previous poster suggested. I wonder if your text made him reconsider your sexual compatibility. Or maybe something else has happened. I do think he was genuinely interested, but an interested guy wouldn't be blowing you off like this when you asked about weekend plans.

 

Yes, I did hear from him but I think you misunderstood the facts just a little. I'm not sure what you mean 'your text made him reconsider...' what text was that?? And... he was the one asking ME about MY weekend plans.. both Friday and Saturday, in fact.

 

I have come to the conclusion that this man is clueless. He is interested. Ok. So I posted that Friday he contacted me and asked me my plans. I responded, he didn't respond back.

He CALLED me on Saturday evening, I waited awhile to return it, and we talked for awhile. He again asked me my plans for that night and Sunday. During our conversation, everything was light and nothing wrong. I didn't get upset or demanding, he didn't seem to indicate at all any hesitation or disinterest.

He apologized about not getting back to me Friday night, he went to a work party and was drinking, etc. I told him I was concerned that he didn't respond back, and wondered if everything was ok.

 

He said 'I haven't seen you or talked to you this week, just wanted to call and see how you are, what are your plans for the coming holiday, how are you, tell me about xyz, etc.' He asked my plans that night, I had made plans to meet with friends but did invite him to join us (I know, I'm reading Brooke's comment as I write this.. she's right!) He said he was hurting from the night before and just got home from working a long hard day, so he just wanted to relax and watch the game at home. He suggested maybe we can get together Sunday (yesterday), maybe for dinner. He'd call me once he was home from work. I had tentative plans, but we said we'd check in with each other.

I sent a text around 5, around the time he was off, asking if he wanted to meet up with me in the area that I'd be at some xmas event, or after.

I ****ING NEVER HEARD FROM HIM.

 

So, either he's an a**hole or he's completely CLUELESS! And I REALLY don't think he's an a**hole. He's too nice. If he wasn't interested, why bother calling me, talking, keeping in regular contact all week, asking me my plans, and even suggesting dinner?!!!?!!?!!

I get it, that he doesn't seem so eager to see me this week, otherwise he would find a way, right?!! IF his interest is dropping, or dropped, I KNOW he would give me the respect of letting me know that and not leading me on. I have no problem asking him that straight out. I feel like at this point, it is wasting my time. I'd rather not hear from him at all if this is the way it's going to be!!

I would like to put my foot down, but he's not giving me a chance to do that. Next time we speak, I am letting it be known. (In a nice way). This is NOT going to fly and I expect much more from the man I'm dating, even if it's just casually. I'm a grown woman and I don't want a boy, I want a man. He just doesn't seem to get it. I must say something to him, and hope things improve. I'm giving him one last chance and then I am moving on.

As I've said, I don't date more than one guy at a time, and have wanted to focus on this. But at this point, it doesn't seem worth the attention anymore...

 

Venus, Maybe it's because when he asks you what your plans are you always have something going on and ask him if he wants to come by. I dont know, just speculation here. He might not be the chasing type.

Yes, I see. I don't want to give the impression I'm just sitting around waiting to be asked out. I AM busy and have an active social life... but there have been many times I'm bored stiff and home alone that I've reached out and for various reasons he's declined my invitations. I was thinking if I don't hear from him today, I am going to PICK UP THE PHONE AND INITIATE A PHONE CALL. It will be the first time I do that.

 

As a side, I forgot if I mentioned, the other night I reactivated Tinder only to snoop. He's no longer on there. I suppose that's a positive sign.

Edited December 22, 2014 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

I'm sorry. Why would he blah blah blah...because he is feeding you crumbs enough to keep you around when he wants you, you are a fallback girl. Things will not improve. You must leave him now and go back online. Final verdict.

 

Search "baggage reclaim" for more information on "why".

 

And when I hear "he's to nice to do x" I roll my eyes.

[venusishername]

I'm sorry. Why would he blah blah blah...because he is feeding you crumbs enough to keep you around when he wants you, you are a fallback girl. Things will not improve. You must leave him now and go back online. Final verdict.

 

Search "baggage reclaim" for more information on "why".

 

And when I hear "he's to nice to do x" I roll my eyes.

 

I don't want to go back online. It sucks.

[Eighty_nine]

You are going way off into left field. Gotta keep with what's happening currently!

 

 

I have no idea where this guy's head is at. But interesting point.

 

 

 

Yes, I did hear from him but I think you misunderstood the facts just a little. I'm not sure what you mean 'your text made him reconsider...' what text was that?? And... he was the one asking ME about MY weekend plans.. both Friday and Saturday, in fact.

 

I have come to the conclusion that this man is clueless. He is interested. Ok. So I posted that Friday he contacted me and asked me my plans. I responded, he didn't respond back.

He CALLED me on Saturday evening, I waited awhile to return it, and we talked for awhile. He again asked me my plans for that night and Sunday. During our conversation, everything was light and nothing wrong. I didn't get upset or demanding, he didn't seem to indicate at all any hesitation or disinterest.

He apologized about not getting back to me Friday night, he went to a work party and was drinking, etc. I told him I was concerned that he didn't respond back, and wondered if everything was ok.

 

He said 'I haven't seen you or talked to you this week, just wanted to call and see how you are, what are your plans for the coming holiday, how are you, tell me about xyz, etc.' He asked my plans that night, I had made plans to meet with friends but did invite him to join us (I know, I'm reading Brooke's comment as I write this.. she's right!) He said he was hurting from the night before and just got home from working a long hard day, so he just wanted to relax and watch the game at home. He suggested maybe we can get together Sunday (yesterday), maybe for dinner. He'd call me once he was home from work. I had tentative plans, but we said we'd check in with each other.

I sent a text around 5, around the time he was off, asking if he wanted to meet up with me in the area that I'd be at some xmas event, or after.

I ****ING NEVER HEARD FROM HIM.

 

So, either he's an a**hole or he's completely CLUELESS! And I REALLY don't think he's an a**hole. He's too nice. If he wasn't interested, why bother calling me, talking, keeping in regular contact all week, asking me my plans, and even suggesting dinner?!!!?!!?!!

I get it, that he doesn't seem so eager to see me this week, otherwise he would find a way, right?!! IF his interest is dropping, or dropped, I KNOW he would give me the respect of letting me know that and not leading me on. I have no problem asking him that straight out. I feel like at this point, it is wasting my time. I'd rather not hear from him at all if this is the way it's going to be!!

I would like to put my foot down, but he's not giving me a chance to do that. Next time we speak, I am letting it be known. (In a nice way). This is NOT going to fly and I expect much more from the man I'm dating, even if it's just casually. I'm a grown woman and I don't want a boy, I want a man. He just doesn't seem to get it. I must say something to him, and hope things improve. I'm giving him one last chance and then I am moving on.

As I've said, I don't date more than one guy at a time, and have wanted to focus on this. But at this point, it doesn't seem worth the attention anymore...

 

 

Yes, I see. I don't want to give the impression I'm just sitting around waiting to be asked out. I AM busy and have an active social life... but there have been many times I'm bored stiff and home alone that I've reached out and for various reasons he's declined my invitations. I was thinking if I don't hear from him today, I am going to PICK UP THE PHONE AND INITIATE A PHONE CALL. It will be the first time I do that.

 

As a side, I forgot if I mentioned, the other night I reactivated Tinder only to snoop. He's no longer on there. I suppose that's a positive sign.

 

I think you absolutely need to do this. Wait til early evening and if you've heard nothing, call him. Base what to do next on what happens during that phone call. Take this situation into your own hands.

[venusishername]

I'm sorry. Why would he blah blah blah...because he is feeding you crumbs enough to keep you around when he wants you, you are a fallback girl. Things will not improve. You must leave him now and go back online. Final verdict.

 

Search "baggage reclaim" for more information on "why".

 

And when I hear "he's to nice to do x" I roll my eyes.

 

 

I just don't see him as a player or manipulative, which is why I say he's too nice. I also never got the impression that I was his 'fallback' at all. Not at all.

Either way, he may or may not be doing the 'fade out' but I don't do that. Which brings me to this...

 

I think you absolutely need to do this. Wait til early evening and if you've heard nothing, call him. Base what to do next on what happens during that phone call. Take this situation into your own hands.

 

I'm doing exactly that, Lissvarna. I've had it up to here. I haven't yet communicated my concerns to him. At least I'll know I gave it my best shot, when I do. Then I can move on, (great timing, right before Christmas!!) :/

Or he'll get his ass in line and figure out how to be a grown man in an actual relationship. None of this high school ****.

[BluEyeL]

Of course you don't see him as a player or manipulative, but the reality is that he is feeding you crumbs and if you let him, he'll just string you along for a long time before things will end anyway.

 

Advice: Help! He Disappears, Doesn?t Call, Pops Up Every Fortnight and Gives Me a Magical Time. Is He Unavailable? Er?YEAH | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Being online sucks but to find love you got to be tough, disciplined and patient.