TIME CRITCAL: Meeting wife for first time tommorow, need guidance!

[Young_gun82]

This self harming is particularly concerning. How bad was it? Did she slap herself, punch herself, or do head banging against the wall? Did she ever do cutting when she was younger?

 

Downtown - She slapped herself a few hard times while crying profusely & I had to physically stop her. I was taken back the first time she started doing this (a few months ago) and my reaction was pretty bad, "You need to stop this & get help. I don't think you're stable right now.." She was obviously at an emotional breaking point. She would say, "if you're a real man, you would take the punishment and let me hit you. You deserve it. You deserve to feel the pain I feel. If you really weren't selfish, you would have told me to stop hitting myself & that you would let me hit you."

 

After a few intermittent extreme fights (over a couple of months) every time she hit me in the face, I gave her the death stare & forcefully yelled at her not to NEVER do that again. And sometime after that, during any fights she would give me **** for not allowing her to hit me. So I think she began hitting herself after I was so demonstrative about not getting physically touched like that. But she would always make me feel guilty about not letting her let her anger out since I "deserved" it.

[Young_gun82]

Think hard about why you don't want a divorce. Does it have to do with you, or her? Could you be happy with someone else? If you want to try to fix this, you better be pretty sure it's the right thing to do.

 

I appreciate the question, its a question I need to revist & after less than a week, I'm trying to find myself. My identity has been with her & weekends/down time we would always do things together...with our dogs, etc. This past few days was very lonely & I don't know how I visualize my life by myself at least in the interim. Most of my close friends live an hour away & I'm stuck here.

[Young_gun82]

You should not bring it up EVER. What good would it do you?

 

You are getting divorced, not married. The idea is to separate - physically, financially and emotionally.

 

Starting an argument/fight will not help you in the slightest. Even if you win, what is the prize? The pleasure of being right? You already have that in your heart. Seeing her admit that you're right is worthless (and will never happen anyway).

 

Don't get distracted from the important issues. You need to take a tip from Gold Five... stay on target!

 

Yes, I'm just reacting emotionally now. I have all this bottled up & my head says not to say anything..doesn't help the situation. You're absolutely right.

 

The other side of me, simply is that I'm human & I need to get this off my chest. It's hard to be sitting at home, see your wife walking around the house & getting ready to go out KNOWING exactly who she's going to see. This sucks & it's not a good feeling to process.

 

She initiated a chat w/ me last night (after little to no communication) about when she wants to file & that she wants to use a mediator (she's being reasonable about what she wants in terms of assets.) However, after consciously trying to stay calm throughout this discussion, her emotions become flooded...she cries & blames me for our problems...etc. And in the end, says, "I knew you were going to be like this, this is giving me reason that it won't work out." (I was asking details about the petition & she became irritable thinking I'm trying to screw her financially or that I was thinking she was screwing me about money)

 

Soon after, while I walk past her she starts texting & descretly pressed the send button & put it in her pocket thinking I didn't notice. But obviously, I know she's texting that guy about me in real time. As such, I'm pissed off & dissapointed she's doing that.

[Young_gun82]

Personally, I don't know why you would even want to try and save the marriage at this point. She's cheating on you and she doesn't care. She treats you like garbage and you are the victim of spousal abuse. Both mentally and physically. Her bragging to this guy that she didn't hit you this time and making a joke of it shows me that she has NO respect for you whatsoever. Therefore, it wouldn't shock me at all that she would make up false allegations against you to get you out. She doesn't respect you and doesn't care what happens to you! I haven't read one redeeming quality about her. Not one.

 

 

And you're paying an awful lot of money to a marriage coach to tell you to do the 180. Hell we could have told you to do that for free!

 

I'm trying to sit back, look from altitude & see this whole picture from an objective point of view. What advice would I give me if I was someone else. I know the answer, but problem is, there's a history that has been meaningful to me w/ my life & hers, I hold onto those good times & I feel regret that we can't work this out. Whether or not she is a BPDer or I'm one, I can't help but think that should we reconcile, we'll be better for it as I know I'd need to use an outside party to help me...us through it (counseling/therapy, etc.)

[savingtheworld]

Young, do you know if she is taking any type of antidepressant or antipsychotic medication?

[PegNosePete]

If I were you I would quit with the armchair psychology. Who cares if she's got BPD or OCD or MPD or IRS or CIA? It makes no difference to you at this point. You're getting divorced, not married, it's not your job to diagnose, cure, understand or even put up with her any more. Leave that for the new guy to deal with.

 

It's hard to be sitting at home, see your wife walking around the house & getting ready to go out KNOWING exactly who she's going to see. This sucks & it's not a good feeling to process.

This my friend, is why God gave us Xbox, the gym, squash, and beer. Keep yourself busy. Go out with friends. Take up new hobbies. Buy yourself a new wardrobe, get a new haircut. Even working late is better than sitting at home watching her. Make her feel the same thing that you feel when you see her. "Who is he making all this effort for?"... although I wouldn't recommend going after other women, stick to male mates. But she doesn't have to know that. Don't tell her where you're going, just act like a teenager and say "out".

 

She initiated a chat w/ me last night (after little to no communication) about when she wants to file & that she wants to use a mediator (she's being reasonable about what she wants in terms of assets.) However, after consciously trying to stay calm throughout this discussion, her emotions become flooded...she cries & blames me for our problems...etc. And in the end, says, "I knew you were going to be like this, this is giving me reason that it won't work out." (I was asking details about the petition & she became irritable thinking I'm trying to screw her financially or that I was thinking she was screwing me about money)

This is why you don't talk about that kind of thing! Keep it totally business-like. Agree that you need a mediator and arrange a time/place, then END the chat. Mediators have a basic understanding of the law but they are not paid to make a deal that is fair to either of you - their job is to make agreement, even if it's a totally unfair agreement. You should certainly see a lawyer beforehand, to know whether the mediator is suggesting a deal that is fair to you or not. And why do you have to agree to her timescale on filing? Why don't YOU file? You certainly have grounds - she is having an affair.

[GirlStillStrong]

Downtown - She slapped herself a few hard times while crying profusely & I had to physically stop her. I was taken back the first time she started doing this (a few months ago) and my reaction was pretty bad, "You need to stop this & get help. I don't think you're stable right now.." She was obviously at an emotional breaking point. She would say, "if you're a real man, you would take the punishment and let me hit you. You deserve it. You deserve to feel the pain I feel. If you really weren't selfish, you would have told me to stop hitting myself & that you would let me hit you."

 

After a few intermittent extreme fights (over a couple of months) every time she hit me in the face, I gave her the death stare & forcefully yelled at her not to NEVER do that again. And sometime after that, during any fights she would give me **** for not allowing her to hit me. So I think she began hitting herself after I was so demonstrative about not getting physically touched like that. But she would always make me feel guilty about not letting her let her anger out since I "deserved" it.

 

This is really sick. You need to let this girl go.

[LilKimmy]

Women do crazy **** when they are hurt. I did when I was separated and still living with my husband and discovered he was seeing someone. Bat **** crazy was me. I wanted to work it out anyway. He was in that early infatuation stage and it was a lost cause. Sorry but don't waste your time. I filed for divorce. I was BITTER and very angry but as the divorce moved along and he got the he** outta here things got better. We had a child though so I got to see him twice a weekend every other weekend even after he moved out. Not fun. I also got to hear from my young child how he was around her. Not a happy time. Not a happy place.

 

Your marriage is over, sorry. File and move forward. I promise you will be way better off. Be glad children aren't involved and you have your whole life ahead of you to find a real true love.

 

Best of luck to you!! It gets easier. Promise.

Edited November 20, 2014 by LilKimmy

[Young_gun82]

Young, do you know if she is taking any type of antidepressant or antipsychotic medication?

 

No, she is not. I do know recently she's been going to therapy & it's probably helping. But it's too late to help us...together.

[Young_gun82]

If I were you I would quit with the armchair psychology. Who cares if she's got BPD or OCD or MPD or IRS or CIA? It makes no difference to you at this point. You're getting divorced, not married, it's not your job to diagnose, cure, understand or even put up with her any more. Leave that for the new guy to deal with.

 

 

This my friend, is why God gave us Xbox, the gym, squash, and beer. Keep yourself busy. Go out with friends. Take up new hobbies. Buy yourself a new wardrobe, get a new haircut. Even working late is better than sitting at home watching her. Make her feel the same thing that you feel when you see her. "Who is he making all this effort for?"... although I wouldn't recommend going after other women, stick to male mates. But she doesn't have to know that. Don't tell her where you're going, just act like a teenager and say "out".

 

 

This is why you don't talk about that kind of thing! Keep it totally business-like. Agree that you need a mediator and arrange a time/place, then END the chat. Mediators have a basic understanding of the law but they are not paid to make a deal that is fair to either of you - their job is to make agreement, even if it's a totally unfair agreement. You should certainly see a lawyer beforehand, to know whether the mediator is suggesting a deal that is fair to you or not. And why do you have to agree to her timescale on filing? Why don't YOU file? You certainly have grounds - she is having an affair.

 

Thanks for your response...I feel this is exactly what I needed to hear (as other's have recommended as well.) It's just that TODAY is officially one week since I found out my whole world, my life was falling apart. I'm slowly going to accept it..but she has been my life the last 15 years. It's hard to accept. I normally can keep my emotions in check and I know I'm sounding weak & a girl, but I've never cried like like this before since I was a child, but more frequently. It's disheartening. My best memory I have & cherished is when she hugged me for so long after she accepted my proposal. It makes me sad to realize that its gone.

 

She came home last night at 1am...on a WEDNESDAY and has work early in the morning. WTF? I feel like ****. But I've reached out to a few buds like you recommended & hopefully they'll help me cope. I just don't want to tell any of my circle of friends at this time as they think highly of her (likely she won't run into them after divorce given I'm the only connection b/w them, their wives, & her during outings.)

[Young_gun82]

Women do crazy **** when they are hurt. I did when I was separated and still living with my husband and discovered he was seeing someone. Bat **** crazy was me. I wanted to work it out anyway. He was in that early infatuation stage and it was a lost cause. Sorry but don't waste your time. I filed for divorce. I was BITTER and very angry but as the divorce moved along and he got the he** outta here things got better. We had a child though so I got to see him twice a weekend every other weekend even after he moved out. Not fun. I also got to hear from my young child how he was around her. Not a happy time. Not a happy place.

 

Your marriage is over, sorry. File and move forward. I promise you will be way better off. Be glad children aren't involved and you have your whole life ahead of you to find a real true love.

 

Best of luck to you!! It gets easier. Promise.

 

LilKimmy - Thank you for sharing, reading your situation helps me cope & gain other perspective. It resonates with me about the "infatuation stage." After reading her texts, she REALLY is talking like a school girl about him. I read a text today that said they were holding hands yesterday & he professed that he's "falling for her" and she told him to just enjoy the moment. I can't believe she would do this while we're married despite how bad our problems are. At least give me the respect & decency to wait & move on with your life AFTER we've divorced. Not go see someone for 2 weeks before you tell me you want the divorce. Seeing someone like this can wait.

 

I hope you are finding happiness in your life post marriage. Though Im 32, I feel like I'm 50. I'm simply not ready to go searching for anyone else for a while (at least thats how I feel at the moment) so it's so god damn hard to understand how she can move forward seeing someone else so quickly WHILE we're married, albeit, w/ a quickly evaporating marriage.

[Young_gun82]

This is really sick. You need to let this girl go.

 

I know, but after you've been in this twisted world for a while, it's somewhat normal in a way.

 

She's moved on...I read her txt to her friend that she doesn't care & it's over. I'm trying to be strong, but the wound is still fresh... just 1 week.

[Young_gun82]

I've decided that I will confront her tomorrow or Saturday of what I know. It's killing me everyday & eating away at me that she's ****ing doing this while I'm at home, taking care of our responsibilities.

 

I'll try to be as civil & pragmatic as possible w/ little emotion (if I can). But I feel like I owe it to myself to let her know that I'm aware of what she's doing & who's she's seeing. My purpose is that I feel I need to maintain my self respect & dignity by standing up for what I think is right.

 

It's probably not going to help the situation given her emotional volatility, but again, if the shoe was on the other foot she would tell me how terrible I was for meeting a woman every night (as she is doing with him.) Hopefully this will show that she doesn't eat her own cooking...that she doesn't practice what she preaches at the end of the day.

 

I'll proceed with caution as our divorce petition & agreement regarding asset distribution has not begun.

[Downtown]

I've decided that I will confront her tomorrow or Saturday of what I know.

Young, please consider the recommendation by Girl and ChiTown to get a VAR and carry it in your shirt pocket when confronting her. Doing so may keep you out of jail if your W tries to have you arrested.

[LilKimmy]

LilKimmy - Thank you for sharing, reading your situation helps me cope & gain other perspective. It resonates with me about the "infatuation stage." After reading her texts, she REALLY is talking like a school girl about him. I read a text today that said they were holding hands yesterday & he professed that he's "falling for her" and she told him to just enjoy the moment. I can't believe she would do this while we're married despite how bad our problems are. At least give me the respect & decency to wait & move on with your life AFTER we've divorced. Not go see someone for 2 weeks before you tell me you want the divorce. Seeing someone like this can wait.

 

I hope you are finding happiness in your life post marriage. Though Im 32, I feel like I'm 50. I'm simply not ready to go searching for anyone else for a while (at least thats how I feel at the moment) so it's so god damn hard to understand how she can move forward seeing someone else so quickly WHILE we're married, albeit, w/ a quickly evaporating marriage.

 

Oh yes I know all about the messages. He had never been so happy. She was the best thing that ever happened to him. Blah blah blah! It hurt and it made no sense but now I don't care and eventually you won't either. When I confronted him with the messages I read he still denied it. He said they were "just friends".

 

The reason they hide it and don't admit it is because they are ashamed and they know it's wrong. I also think they don't admit it to keep us hanging just in case it's not all it's cracked up to be and they have us to fall back on.

 

Bottom line: You can't control what she does. You can only control yourself and how you handle it. Do you want to be with someone who would do this to you anyway?

 

I asked myself all the same questions about how he could do it and why couldn't he wait until we were divorced. You may never understand but eventually you won't care to. You'll be talking to yourself a lot trying to figure it all out and that's okay too. It's normal. It's a process and it's a struggle but you will get through it!

 

I had a wonderful 2 year relationship after my divorce. It didn't work out in the end but it was reaffirming that there is life out there for me outside of my failed marriage. Unfortunately I have managed to get myself into an unacceptable relationship but I'm working to remove myself from it ASAP! Live and learn!

 

Take care of you! It really is the best thing you can do. Do not fight the pain or the tears. Go through it and you will come out on top. Time is your best friend.

 

Best of luck!!!

[GirlStillStrong]

my whole world, my life was falling apart. I'm slowly going to accept it..but she has been my life the last 15 years. It's hard to accept. I normally can keep my emotions in check and I know I'm sounding weak & a girl, but I've never cried like like this before since I was a child, but more frequently. It's disheartening.

No, your whole world and your life are not falling apart. You only think they are. Trust me, I know this feeling very well so I want to teach you something. A Jedi Mind Trick You are catastrophizing. I, and everyone else, understand why you are catastrophizing. It makes total and complete sense to catastrophize in this situation. It would be expected for someone to feel as though their life and world were crashing down on top of them. Which it sounds like it has done for you this past week. But it's okay for you to stop feeling this way now. It's okay for you not to feel so much pain about it. So, the way you do that is you learn new ways of looking at your situation, new ways of looking at this person you are going through this with, and new attitudes.

 

It's fine to cry. It's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. You cry because that is how we are made. Thank God you CAN cry, otherwise you'd probably have a personality disorder or extreme emotional dysfunction. Thank God this woman is putting you through this now, so that you have this opportunity to grow and mature now, with PLENTY of life still left to live! And plenty of new people to meet!

 

Have you looked for a separation and divorce support group in your area? I know you don't want to talk to your friends about this just yet but like I said above, you need new perspective than just your own. You really should be talking to people who are older than you and people who have experience with what you are going through. It will help you get control of your emotions. But in the meantime, whenever you feel like your entire world is crashing down, try to examine what you are thinking. Then, stop yourself thinking that and replace the thought with something else. That will help get you through the tough emotional times. It's okay to grieve. Google the 5 stages of grief and read them so you understand what you're experiencing, emotionally, better.

 

Take care. Glad you are coming here and posting.

[GirlStillStrong]

Also, Kimmie's last post reminded me, why don't you Google "how to detach emotionally." It will help you be able to put things into better perspective. You are hurt, rightfully so, but once you can get some emotional distance you will be better able to understand what has happened.

 

Long ago, when I was in a similar circumstance as you have found yourself in now, someone said something to me that has stuck with me. And that is, we always hurt the people who are closest to us the most. And that is true. I know this will sound crazy to most but with life comes pain, necessarily, because pain is our pathway to growth. So when you are feeling pain, look within to discover that about yourself which needs your attention. It is something about you that you need to work on, to change.

 

I gently suggest that you may want to pick up a copy of Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More." It's available on Amazon probably for a penny plus shipping.

[PegNosePete]

I normally can keep my emotions in check and I know I'm sounding weak & a girl, but I've never cried like like this before since I was a child, but more frequently. It's disheartening.

Dude most guys on this site (myself included) came here in the same state. It's nothing be feel bad or embarrassed about. In fast it's totally normal. It's only been a week. You know there will be 2 week, 1 month, 2 month, 6 month anniversaries as well. But I promise you, each one will not be so bad as the last. It does get better.

 

I just don't want to tell any of my circle of friends at this time as they think highly of her

I'd very much recommend changing that policy. If they are your true friends then they will be supportive and helpful of you. Guys don't talk about their personal lives enough but when we do, we find that our mates can be surprisingly sensitive. Don't drop the bomb on a bowling outing or anything, but let them know when things are quiet and private.

 

And yes the others suggestion of a VAR when around your wife, is a good one. She seems like the type who would make things up to get her way.

[Trimmer]

I've decided that I will confront her tomorrow or Saturday of what I know. It's killing me everyday & eating away at me that she's ****ing doing this while I'm at home, taking care of our responsibilities.

Please don't. I say this not out of any concern for your STBX, but mostly out of concern how this choice might affect you.

 

I'll try to be as civil & pragmatic as possible w/ little emotion (if I can). But I feel like I owe it to myself to let her know that I'm aware of what she's doing & who's she's seeing. My purpose is that I feel I need to maintain my self respect & dignity by standing up for what I think is right.

In the ideal case, you will be business-like and completely unemotional, make your point, and get out. Here's the problem: there's virtually NO WAY this will turn out like the ideal case. You are sticking your dick into a hornets' nest here - just be sure you understand what a volatile pile of fuel you are setting a match to.

 

It's probably not going to help the situation given her emotional volatility,

No, indeed, it won't. Like I said, you are potentially putting a match to a powder keg, and you have no idea where all your different body parts are going to end up once the thing blows. You really need to think whether these abstract ideas of 'maintaining your self-respect and dignity' and 'standing up for what's right' are worth the very concrete probability that this interaction will go sideways very quickly.

 

...if the shoe was on the other foot she would tell me how terrible I was for meeting a woman every night (as she is doing with him.) Hopefully this will show that she doesn't eat her own cooking...that she doesn't practice what she preaches at the end of the day.

And what good will it do to strike this blow? And are you really using the standard of "what she would do" to guide you in your behavior here?

 

I'll proceed with caution as our divorce petition & agreement regarding asset distribution has not begun.

I think, given the volatility of your STBX - and the likelihood that this confrontation will turn into a very negative interaction - you may only be hurting yourself in the long run.

 

_______________________

 

Now - having said all of that, your goals of maintaining your dignity and self-respect and standing up for what is right are absolutely valid and appropriate. I just think that you do those things by letting go of what is behind you (your STBX) and turning around, looking forward, and continuing to develop your own life with dignity and self-respect, and a knowledge and commitment to what's right.

 

See, the problem with 'confronting' her to get your self-respect back is that the outcome depends on how she reacts. And therefore, you have backed yourself into a corner by giving her the power over reclaiming your dignity and self-respect.

 

Don't give her this power; don't put yourself in the precarious position of needing something from her - whether it's 'closure', an admission of guilt, some kind of 'realization', understanding, anything like that - in order for you to start your journey forward.

 

Needing some kind of interaction with her weakens you in your process of moving forward. The thing that strengthens you will be you ability to let go of her, to extract yourself from her bizarre dynamic, to start cutting the ties that bind you to her.

 

So please don't fool yourself and think that you need to have some kind of showdown with her to regain your strength and dignity - really, c'mon: you know as well as I do that this confrontation is almost certainly going to go sideways, right?

 

The idea of getting back your dignity and self-respect and starting to move forward should NOT rely on her - it belongs to you, and you should be proud to take sole possession of it and NOT allow it to be connected to her.

 

Finally, I have two VERY REAL concerns about such a confrontation: (a) there's no way it will make your upcoming divorce negotiations easier, and will almost certainly make them harder, and (b) with her demonstrated history of violent action - against both you and herself - you just cannot predict the outcome. Someone suggested a voice-activated recorder (VAR). My suggestion is that if you aren't relatively confident that you will get something concrete and positive from this confrontation, and you feel like you may need a VAR going in, you should strongly consider not doing it.

 

Realistically, there's nothing to be gained that you cannot achieve - with greater value - by taking control of your own life with dignity and self-respect. And there is almost certainly much to be lost.

 

This is a bad and risky tradeoff.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Trimmer

[lolablue17]

If you want to maintain your self respect & dignity, don't respond! Initiate.

Serve your own interests, and don't be dragged into a situation you can't control. It is very important for you to be in control, and in order to get that, you need to have a plan.

 

When you confront her, have a plan. What do you wish to happen, not just throwing the new facts on her.

 

For example, you can tell her that you know she's cheating on you + lying to you at least in the last several weeks.

 

Now, according to her standards, She is the one to blame in all of your last crises. You agree to sign the papers right after she leaves the house. She's waving the fact that you cheated when you're 19th... Well you didn't cheat after that. BUT SHE IS CHEATING RIGHT NOW and a present cheating is always much more severe that an old 19th cheating.

 

So, tell her that you don't want to see her face any more, that all of her speeches against you are canceled and deleted from your mind according to her cheating. Tell her that you believe the only reason she wanted you to be out of home is that she'll have more freedom and space to cheat.

 

Tell her that you will never trust her in your life as you know she's planning to incriminate you and lie to the police. Tell her that she isn't the angel she thinks she is. She is a low nasty poor liar.

 

Now, she must leave and find herself another place to leave. After she does that, both of you can progress with the divorce with no delay. JUST TALK, DONT ANSWER. tell her to go live with her new **** buddy - go out and tell her that you expect her to not being there when you come back. AND GO!

 

Dont make this conversation alone. bring a friend or one of your family as a witness.

 

(You snooped, but so as she, reading you private diary)

Edited November 21, 2014 by lolablue17