Author KBarletta Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 KB, I am trying to be more like you in this regard. You have the right attitude. My wife has gained weight also and honestly often looks frumpy, although I suspect she looks better for OM. She also seems unhappy according to my son. Its tough to watch a loved one or former loved one make bad choices and deteriorate. And we shouldn't wish ill towards them , even though it is hard not to. Not good for any of us. Its not stupid, it is kind that you still care about your wife. It's funny you say that, because I wish I was a little less like me! I want so badly NOT to care anymore. I wish I could think of her without that heartbreak. I wish I could bring myself to hate her, but it always comes out as sorrow/sympathy instead. I know it's never good, but I feel like hating her would make it easier somehow, at least in the short term.
darkbloom Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Maybe. But the truth is, despite my pain, I don't wish any pain or ill will toward her. I still love her. At least, I love who she was. I don't know who she *is* anymore, so I can't say what I think of that person. But she is still my wife and I wish so much that things were different between us. My heart aches every time I think of her. And - truth be told - knowing that she is putting on weight and that our situation is a likely reason why only makes my heart ache more. Stupid, I know, but I can't help it. My point is that her internal struggle has manifested itself externally. This hasn't been easy for her and it shouldn't be. You deserve better. 1
Author KBarletta Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 My point is that her internal struggle has manifested itself externally. This hasn't been easy for her and it shouldn't be. You deserve better. True. While I know that it should not be easy for her, I have to remind myself that the harder things are for her, the harder they are, by extension, for my daughter. It's funny - on the one hand, if not for my daughter, I don't know how I would be coping with this because spending time with her is the only thing that makes me feel really good right now. But at the same time, if not for her I could go complete NC with my wife and never have to see her again, which I think would help me, too. But I wouldn't trade my relationship with our daughter for anything. It's worth whatever other BS I have to deal with. 1
Yummm Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 KBarletta, you're a strong man. Reading posts like this on separation of couples who have spent many many years together and built a family is really heartbreaking. Here I am moping and whining about a 3 month relationship that left me dumbfounded.... pathetic really! I am really glad that you are spending time with your daughter and pulling through this emotional rollercoaster, good for you mate. 2
Author KBarletta Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 KBarletta, you're a strong man. Reading posts like this on separation of couples who have spent many many years together and built a family is really heartbreaking. Here I am moping and whining about a 3 month relationship that left me dumbfounded.... pathetic really! I am really glad that you are spending time with your daughter and pulling through this emotional rollercoaster, good for you mate. Thanks Yummm - The truth is, to paraphrase David Letterman, pretending to be strong is just as good as the real thing. It is heartbreaking, yes, but I keep reminding myself that as long as my wife doesn't want to be with me, there is no other option for me but to keep moving forward without her. I took a look today at journal entries I wrote last November when everything blew up, and I am reminded of how far I've come. Still, I remember how happy I felt just before everything blew up, and I am reminded of how far I still have to go. I know - now - that it was just an illusion, that feeling, because my wife had already bailed, mentally. It's a deep climb out of the abyss, but I feel like I'm getting there.
darkbloom Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 True. While I know that it should not be easy for her, I have to remind myself that the harder things are for her, the harder they are, by extension, for my daughter. It's funny - on the one hand, if not for my daughter, I don't know how I would be coping with this because spending time with her is the only thing that makes me feel really good right now. But at the same time, if not for her I could go complete NC with my wife and never have to see her again, which I think would help me, too. But I wouldn't trade my relationship with our daughter for anything. It's worth whatever other BS I have to deal with. I think you daughter may be learning some valuable life lessons from this experience. If things were too easy for your STBXW, your daughter could eventually behave the same way. Consequences, while unfortunate, help us from making the same mistakes. We are also able to see someone else's consequences and learn from them. Your daughter should not see the way your wife has treated you and think that it is normal. Unfortunately, the situation is based solely on what she has decided. Your daughter should be able to see that the suffering of your wife is based on HER poor decision, not yours. 1
Author KBarletta Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 How was the extended birthday KB? It went well. Friday was my oldest nephew's high school graduation, so my daughter and I attended with my whole family. That was great, then we all returned to my house for birthday cake, ice cream, gifts, etc. - and I decided to open a bottle of champagne in honor of my nephew's graduation so he didn't feel like the birthday was stealing his thunder. A good time was had by all. Then I had lunch with my daughter the next day, just the two of us, before she returned to STBX. I ended up getting to see her on her birthday after all, though not until quite late, as she spent the night at my place and then we hung out the next morning. All in all, a good weekend. And she loved the "birthday sandwich" idea. The first time I mentioned it, I got a laugh out of her, which isn't easy. Thanks! DB, I think you're right that my daughter sees this as my wife's decision. In fact, I was adamant when it first happened that it be clear that it was her decision and not mine. Our daughter loves our marital home and is very sad that it is being sold. I envisioned her (and us) being there for a long time. BUT ... Yesterday I closed the deal on my new home. It's smaller, more manageable but also newer and has a lot of amenities that our current home does not (pool, tennis courts, air-conditioning, dishwasher, garage). I am looking forward to it, though it's scary that I'll have to worry about paying for two homes until I can sell our current house (SOON, I hope!!) And last night, of course, I had another dream about my wife. They're happening fairly regularly now, and they all have the same basic plot: I am watching from a distance as my wife is interacting with another guy, being physical, kissing him, etc. I feel jealous but can't do anything. Then the guy walks away from her and she is alone and upset and again, I can't do anything but feel sorry for her. This is probably the fourth time I've had this same dream in the past month or so. Ugh.
81West Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Sounds like a great weekend. Glad it all came together. You handled all of that really well KB. Dreams are hard. Sleep should be our one steady escape from the awareness of our present pain. It almost feels like a self-betrayal when I dream. Though I don't choose it, he's still my last thought before sleeping and my first on waking. Thankfully, the hours between almost always belong just to me.
ApexTitanium Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I come to the divorce section often and read the threads for advice. Knowing im not the only one heartbroken helps as well as knowing im not alone. My relationship was 5.5 years, no kids, didnt even live together yet (planned to and we were engaged). I hit rock bottom countless times. Suicidal thoughts (never acted on it but came damn close quite a few times). I could not imagine how hard it is for some of you with many more years together, house together and kids. Your strength gives me strength. Im barely making it through my situation, doubt id have made it if there was more involved. I feel for you with great respect. 1
Author KBarletta Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Hello all. It's been a few weeks since I've posted an update, so I thought I'd do a quick one here. Had a great Father's Day weekend with my daughter, with whom things still are going very well. I continue to believe that the one silver lining in this entire sad saga is that it has definitely brought us closer than ever and cemented a bond that I am confident will be lifelong. That's good. Also have been spending a good bit of time getting the new townhouse ready to move into. Will be moving July 6, while wife and daughter are in the middle of a 10-day vacation together, so when our daughter returns the only thing left to do in the house will be to get her room together, with some new furniture and decorations, etc. I think that will be something fun we can do together - shop for that and make her room her own space. That is something she has lacked for the past several months at our former family home. Also have to get serious about selling the old house and finally filing the papers for the D. My wife hasn't asked about it again since she initially did 3 months ago. I think I've been dragging my feet on the house because it was our family home, bought together, and there are so many memories attached to it involving my wife. To sell it and to file the papers will be to - REALLY - admit it's 100 percent over. I know that's true, but it's hard to pull the trigger on it because I never wanted it and still don't. I am telling myself that I only have 24 hours in the day, and I work for 45 of those each week. I also owe it to myself to build in some down time in my life, especially now, and much of the rest of my time is spent with my daughter or working on getting the houses in order. Once I move out, I think it will be a natural next step to file the papers. They are already done, they just need signatures and a final OK from a judge. Overall doing OK, just in a bit of a holding pattern with the D papers. Also not doing much recently concerning other women, though I have several on my radar, I know it wouldn't be fair to any of them with the state I am in right now to do anything other than be close friends. That's fine with me at the moment. Some day, I will want more but not right now. KTB 2
81West Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Thanks for the update KB. I was reminded of your previous struggle around the divorce papers. I'm so glad it's evolved to this: a sad, but necessary and natural next step with none of the things wrapped around that decision that once were. I'm so glad you decided to wait.
Author KBarletta Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Thanks, 81W. I am glad I waited, too. In the back of my mind, I have been expecting my wife to message me to say "what's going on with the papers??" but she hasn't. Not that I think this means anything, but it's interesting that she doesn't seem to be in much of a hurry to do this. Neither am I, but probably not for the same reasons. She is still covered by my (*really good*) health insurance as long as we're married, so maybe that is a factor, I'm not sure. Funny thing, though, I got a wedding invite in the mail yesterday for some friends who are not really friends with my wife. I will be attending the wedding (out of town) with a friend at the end of the summer. Last night, though, I ended up having a dream where my wife and I were happily together, and I had helped her plan a wedding (not her job), then the dream ended with us in bed together, her thanking me for all of my help, then just as things started to get physical, my alarm went off. First time I've really had a dream like that about her - all of the others have been sad visions of her leaving in one way or another. Not sure what that means. Anyway, moving forward ... one foot in front of the other, the only way to do it!
kenmore Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 Hey KB, I have missed talking with you! I'm glad to read you have had fun with your daughter and that things have been progressing. I do feel you should get on with filing though, and I'll tell you why I think that. As you know, you two split up around the same time we split up. Around this time last year. My wife (who decided everything for us) filed for divorce in November and it will be final next week on July 8th. One year to the day since we split up. In that time, I have gone from completely wishing we could work it out, to being pretty sure we would begin talks, to accepting it as reality to finally looking forward to the end. That took six months and I'm sure it happened because the divorce was progressing. As usual, she knew best! I'm not saying what w(sh)e did was right for everyone of course, but it had a logical and steady cadence to it. Recently I was talking to a dear friend who has not filed either and they have been apart well over a year. It's time to get that clock ticking! I know you were hoping things would change and that you would get back together. That's not over with after you file, in fact it may be a reason for some alacrity; but take it from me, the wait can be agonizing and especially toward the end. I doubt either of you want to spend the rest of your lives in a limbo. If it has to end, better sooner than later and if it doesn't have to end, better to move that along as well. Most likely it has to end but either way, you should get on with it. It's better for everyone including your daughter. My best to you. You have been a good friend to me and I appreciate your guidance. You have a very clear mind and a great heart. I encourage you to see the reason in this and move on ASAP. Ken 1
Author KBarletta Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 Hello Ken! Thanks for the advice. I don't disagree, and I also hold onto no illusions that D is the next step. There is no avoiding it. But the truth is, the reason I have not filed yet is because I have too much on my plate and it's not a priority for me, certainly not a priority worth adding more stress to what is already a stressful time. Right now, I have been getting one house ready to sell, getting another house ready to move in to, working (and traveling) a lot, and trying to carve out some "Me" time, some friends time and a good bit of daughter time. That has left no time to concentrate on getting the papers filed. Once my move is complete (this week), and the rest of my life calms down a bit, I will be filing. The delay hasn't caused me any angst, in fact the opposite, I think shelving the D papers for a while has allowed me to concentrate on important things without losing my mind. Honestly, the past few days as I have been spending more time in the new house (and W and daughter have been on vacation) I have felt very strongly like I have moved on. I am holding out no hope for reconciliation, so I don't feel like not filing is doing me any harm. I will do so when the time is right, and that time is coming very soon, I assure you. Thanks! KTB
Author KBarletta Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Hello again LS friends. I have been laying low for the past week or two, as I prepared for the move into my new townhouse. That move was done a few days ago, and now I am just adjusting and spending almost all of my free time unpacking boxes. I have noticed, though, that over the past few weeks, the amount of anxiety I have over my marriage/separation has diminished considerably. It could be because I have moved out of the marital home (filled with some really sad memories), or it could be because my STBXW has been out of town and I haven't had to be in contact with her daily about our daughter, or it could be that enough time has passed that I am just feeling better. Probably, it's a result of all three in some measure. But the bottom line is that I am feeling better. Also, feeling better means I have spent less time on LS. I can recall the first weeks and months after my W initiated our separation, I was clinging to LS all day long like a lifeboat after a shipwreck. For weeks, I would cling to LS all day and not be able to get to sleep without a glass or two of wine at night. Now, I have much less of a need to use either as a crutch. I have also been communicating via e-mail with a friend of a friend (female) who is also going through a separation. Our communication is kind of like journaling and joint therapy at the same time. It's good to get a different perspective, and I have been toying with the idea of directing her here for help (she's not as far along as I am, time wise). Either way, just an update to say I'm feeling better. I'm sure this is not the last you will hear of me, and even when the fog eventually lifts for good, I don't intend to be a stranger. Thanks all. KTB 1
No Limit Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. At least I think positive news are a nice contrast to the many messages posted by users who are at their wit's end. 1
Author KBarletta Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 So last night, as I was unpacking boxes of stuff at the new house, I happened upon a large manila envelope and couldn't remember what was inside. Turns out it was four 8 by 10 enlargements of wedding photos that I had been planning to put into a large 4-photo frame and give to my wife as a birthday gift last year. There was a time, not that long ago, that finding these four photos and remembering that detail would have sent me into an emotional downward spiral, ruined my evening and caused me days of heartache. Instead, last night, I looked at the photos, felt a bit sad, tore them to shreds, threw them away and got on with unpacking. 2
Author KBarletta Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Feeling really upset right now - need to post. I got a nasty email from STBXW today, in response to me after I alerted her to my upcoming move to the townhouse, accusing me of having the wrong priorities for not filing for D sooner and instead spending my time looking for a new house and moving, etc. I will not share her note here, but it is the first time she has "lost her cool" so to speak in this situation, and accused me of "jerking her around" by not filing as soon as she asked me to. Here is my response: I am not jerking you around. But please don't tell me what my priorities should be in this situation. After you left my priorities were finding a new place to live where (daughter) felt comfortable and where I did not have to be reminded of you all the time. If yours was getting this done quickly, you had six months in which you could have done so instead of putting on me the responsibility for something I did not even want. Not sure if that was the appropriate response or not. She never expressed any urgency about this until now, but now I know I need to get this done, just to get her out of my life for good. She has turned into someone I don't even know, who is only going to make me miserable the more contact I am forced to have with her. I feel like utter s**t right now, to be honest, but I hope it fades quickly.
Author KBarletta Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Funny thing is, RE: the above post. I thought - until a few moments ago - that I still loved my wife. Maybe this note she sent was exactly what I needed to let go of that feeling forever. Because right now, TBH, there are ZERO feelings for her aside from anger, pity and disgust. I am done.
chew123 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 KB, Any response you felt like giving was appropriate. When they say things that really make no sense there are no right answers. You did what was right for you and your daughter. that is all that matters at this point. And I think the anger you feel is healthy and will help you move forward. Each time my ex does something like yours did it helps me realize I don't love her anymore. Then I slip back, then she does something else. Sooner or later it will take for good. Use the anger to break the attachment while you have it. It probably won't last. 1
Author KBarletta Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Thanks chew. I suspect it will take a while before I get over the anger and disgust I am feeling right now, but you're right - it does help to break whatever attachment was left. I honestly feel like she - just as she did when we were together - is deflecting blame for everything and responsibility for everything on to me. Why is it my fault that this has taken so long? She waited from October until March before she even suggested it. Now it's an urgent priority. I suspect - though admittedly this is just speculation - that it's someone else and that relationship is a factor in making her anxious to get this done. No offense, but F*** that. I am going to worry about my daughter and myself first. If she ever had any right to decide what my priorities ought to be, she forfeited it when she walked out the door with no warning. 3
81West Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Wow. It's really tough to understand how she has rationalized any of her thinking to herself. I'm glad you're mad though, 'cause jeez... 1
Author KBarletta Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Wow. It's really tough to understand how she has rationalized any of her thinking to herself. I'm glad you're mad though, 'cause jeez... Yeah, it is. I know I shouldn't be spending so much time thinking about this because it's not productive but I just don't understand where all of this anger is coming from. Until yesterday, she had expressed no urgency about anything. Now all of a sudden she is "furious" - her word - with me for not making the D a priority and instead focusing on finding a new place to live. Honestly, I don't know how I stayed in the house as long as I did, it was so haunted with memories everywhere I went. I had to get out. She had already done so, so maybe she just doesn't get how hard that was. I also wonder if the anger is partly because this is me moving on without consulting her. Even though I told her I intended to sell the house and move four months ago, somehow this still came as a surprise? I'm at a loss to explain why she's so angry at me all of a sudden, but I am going to do what she wants and file the papers as soon as possible and just get this done. I don't want to have another day like yesterday. PS - An interesting side note - in her note to me yesterday she claimed that I did not need a lawyer because there was no more property to divide and no custody agreement. She is unaware that one reason this took longer than she thought it should is that I had my lawyer draw up a co-parenting agreement declaring that I am the secondary legal guardian of my daughter. That way, if my wife gets hit by a bus, our daughter will be with me. I will not sign any D unless that document is part of it. I am sure that is going to generate some more anger on her part as well. We'll see ...
darkbloom Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 Kb! Any update from you? I'm anxious to hear how your wife is going to deal with the co parenting part of your d. I'm happy you're feeling anger. You've been entirely too nice and level headed with your wife. She is the one creating all of this mess.
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