After three years of NC, MM has contacted me again.

[KismetGirl]

Well great then Kismet. Sounds like you've got it all worked out! Good luck with that.

 

You only respond to select few individuals who reply to you - you completely ignore the ones who say things you REALLY don't want to hear or things that it's hard for you to defend. The rest of the time you defend MM, say how much he must still care about you, how he's being so nice and "open" to you now (well of course - wait until he's got you reeled back in, then no more need for that). You say how he's such a misunderstood, poor MM in a marriage that makes him miserable and he's such a martyr though that he's staying for his kids. What a guy!

 

What you don't know yet is there is always something. When the kids graduate high school then it will be because he's looking forward to being a grandfather. It never ends. I'm sure he cares for you, but he will never care enough to be with you in the way that you want. He's even proving that now. Heck, why should he when all he has to do is call you and you melt?

 

What a huge ego boost this guy is going to get when he finds out that even after all these years you've been pining away for him so much that you'll jump right back into bed with him. And he didn't have to do anything but call and mess with your head with how caring he's suddenly being. He sure will know he doesn't need to get a divorce!

 

I don't know why you're posting, but you aren't ready to take advice and you have made up your mind to again enter the world of self-destruction voluntarily by sleeping with another woman's husband, and one who caused you some of the most pain imaginable for 5 precious years of your life that were wasted on him. So don't listen to the 4 pages of advice here from people who took the time to try to help you. But don't be surprised when you end up right back where you left off.

 

I'm out.

 

Wow, chill out. I cant individually respond to every single person that posts, sometimes i miss posts, etc. I spend enough time on here as it is when i need to be doing other things!

 

I dont ignore posts, i like having conversations and take devil advocate positions. Maybe i like to argue. I like to approach things in a cerebral manner, i like to talk about them from all aspects. Im sorry if that seems frustrating to you. I do appreciate all viewpoints but that doesnt mean i have to agree with the philosophy of each post 100%, even if in the end I follow the overall advice.

 

I do not plan to meet him at this time, ive just talked to him a couple times and yes, i feel a bit emotional and sentimental, but that doesnt mean ive crawled back into bed with the guy. To be honest I have enjoyed his openness about answering questions he used to avoid, and so maybe i am enjoying having old questions answered that i used to just endlessly hypothesize on instead. He hasn't lied to me about anything btw...don't know why people keep saying this. He has lied to his wife, yes. I can't really find anything at this time he is lying to me about-- he's not pressuring me to meet him, he's said several times that if i think its not a good idea to speak say the word and he'll disappear.

 

Anyway im here to get support and distract myself. It keeps me on track to keep talking about something as opposed to sitting here thinking about it alone late at night, because those are the moments in which i feel a bit weaker. Like i want to text him. And yet here i am on loveshack, and not texting him.

 

well.

[meandmycats]

I said they will get over divorce, as many people grow up and have normal lives with divorced and re-married parents.

 

I do not think they will be discussing with their 6, 7, 8 year old children that daddy is unsatisfied with the marital standing and at one time had a mistress, so yeah, no i dont think it will affect them.

 

My parents divorced, pretty sure from things i learned later that one or both of them cheated, and i dont resent anyone, im an adult. They had their own lives and reasons for doing what they did, and they are both remarried and while it would be nice to have had them together i dont resent either of them and just want them both to be happy, because they are not just my parents, they are human beings. Anyone who thinks people should stay together just to not upset their children are selfish twats, because if you think children also dont notice when two people are in a miserable relationship once they get older, think again. They had no intentions of sharing such sordid information with me when i was like 10 years old, so the fact in and of itself that they divorced, i got over it, just like most other kids get over it.

 

My mother never said one bad word about my father, not even once, and im sure that helped our overall situation. Im sorry you had to hear all the details of your parents relationship, im sure that was not easy, but with all due respect, im fairly certain in this case his three small children would be unaware that an affair ever had any standing in their parents relationship. Not unless their parents let them know about it.

 

If he ended up with me then maybe at some point someone would say something. But let's assume he just divorces and it has nothing to do with me-- there's no reason for his kids to ever know that 30 years ago he and i had an affair. i mean really thats just common sense. I came from the same situation as you did and im perfectly fine and understanding it as an adult. As a child i was the eldest and i learned more details than i should have back then and they bothered me a bit, but my younger siblings? they had no clue, at all, until we were much older and they could handle such information as adults i suppose. But maybe everyone handles things differently-- i appreciate your anecdotal evidence, but it is not necessarily applicable to every single divorced couple in which at some point one or both partners had an affair.

 

 

For the record, my Dad is not my blood Father. My Mum divorced when I was small. Do I see my sperm donor? No. Haven't done for years, because he's a total w*nker who never deserved to have a child. He ****ed my Mother around too. Did I come out of it alright? Yes. That doesn't mean I don't still think the man was a tosser.

 

 

I'm not saying there should be no divorce, ever, when two people cannot live in a common space without acrimony then it makes sense, my objection is that kids 'get over it'. You also suggest that it would have been nice to have your parents together despite their divorce.

 

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative here, but kids are always a casualty of other peoples selfishness, and it stinks.

[KismetGirl]

For the record, my Dad is not my blood Father. My Mum divorced when I was small. Do I see my sperm donor? No. Haven't done for years, because he's a total w*nker who never deserved to have a child. He ****ed my Mother around too. Did I come out of it alright? Yes. That doesn't mean I don't still think the man was a tosser.

 

 

I'm not saying there should be no divorce, ever, when two people cannot live in a common space without acrimony then it makes sense, my objection is that kids 'get over it'. You also suggest that it would have been nice to have your parents together despite their divorce.

 

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative here, but kids are always a casualty of other peoples selfishness, and it stinks.

 

thats true , but at the end of the day too many people get married without really considering if this is the right person for them. He's a good father, i have no doubt. A good husband depends on your definition i guess, though let's wager not from the whole cheating thing. But he is a good father, and even his wife admits that much.

 

Either way i think you have one life to be happy. Children, by the by, do get over divorce if their parents are civil about it, dont drag them into personal arguments, badmouth each other, etc. Divorce can be civil.

 

If two people are not in love and feel pressured to stay together purely because they have children, after 15 or more years of trying, i'd say you tried enough. Just my opnion i guess.

 

At first everyone will be sad. They'll all get over it eventually. Better to do it now when they are relatively young and can both find better partners than to stay together , have the kids grow up, then when they are alone in that big house together realise they never found real potential with anyone else? so sad....meh. I can see it already-- they'll be those couples that stay together until kids are off to college and then they're left in their 60's trying to maintain sanity forced to be with each other when theyve never actually been in love with each other. It's a life, but it ain't living. Or at least i hope thats not my future...

[whichwayisup]

he's not pressuring me to meet him, he's said several times that if i think its not a good idea to speak say the word and he'll disappear.

 

Kismet, he knows you won't tell him to disappear. He's called your bluff and he knows that you hearing from him has rattled you. He knows your weaknesses and selfishly (not maliciously) has used that against you. Honestly, if he cared about your well being, he would have not reached out.

 

I could be wrong but this bit of contact will continue. He will push the door open more.

 

What bothers me is now he's in your head. You're thinking about him, entertaining thoughts of "IF we got together one day.." I know it's hypothetical but still, the thoughts are there and it's stirred up feelings again. Feeling that you worked so hard to get over and move on with your life.

I can't really find anything at this time he is lying to me about--

 

Assume he's not totally telling you the actual truth, assume it's bent to put him in the drivers seat. Check the facts now as you know them and remember you know what he's capable of.

 

I do hope you tell him goodbye. Get whatever closure you think you may need and close the door. If you don't, as time goes on he will do his best to woo you back...

[BrokenPrincess]

This truly made me feel sick to my stomach. I thought mine was bad showing up after a year. The damage is done now, your head is swirling, your hopes are up. Isn't it crazy how quickly all those feelings come rushing back? That was my experience at least.

 

Unless he's getting divorced, this is just a matter of when he'll break your heart again. I hope you won't allow him back in any closer because it's only going to hurt that much worse when it ends (again)

 

[Baby123]

Wow kismet girl you have a very big understanding heart- you truly are somebody that forgives ALL bad treatment in order to understand, be there to support and defend someone that has had very little consideration for you. Its quite commendable that you are so loyal, understanding and caring, its just a real shame its for someone who doesn't deserve one ounce of your compassion- someone who let you down repeatedly, has never changed his situation through cowardice.

[GypsumSatellite]

Kismet, I can very much understand what may be going in your head. I read a thread you made about the break-up of your R with your ex-MM and it made me get emotional. I could feel the pain of him leaving, of saying he was selfish, of saying he couldn't leave his family - and it's the sort of thing you need to remind yourself of.

 

We forget the pain. We forget what we give up by being available to someone who is only available during working hours or when they W/kids go away for a weekend. We forget the mistrust, the blows to our esteem, the desperation and the nights wondering if we're going to lose him forever because we sent an email or text at the wrong time.

 

Yes, he probably misses you. Mentally and physically. Why wouldn't he? You're a loving, giving woman who imbues a relationship and the partner she's with with absolute adoration. You are a wonderful, smart, generous, and attractive woman who still doubts her wonderfulness, smarts, generosity and attractiveness.

 

You loved your exMM enough for you and him both. It's a powerful draw. It's something any one would miss and come looking for again.

 

And yes, it will be to serve his own ends. He's looking for any sign you'll let him back in. He's not a demon, but he is hungry. He told you all you needed to know years ago. He's selfish. He's broken. He won't change for anyone, not even you. He loves himself above all and he knows eventually he'll get a "No" turned into a "Yes". Doesn't make him bad but it does make him not looking out for your best interests.

 

You've come a long way since 2009. You keep taking care of YOU. You are so important. You are so vibrant. You are worth more than you may yet believe. He has nothing to give you that increases your well-being. He's seeking something that will increase HIS well-being. It's time for you to be selfish. Be selfish and take care of you.

 

It will seem so hard to do, and I'm no perfect model (yet) for it... but let him find someone else to entertain him. And be wary of what you've let on to him about your other fella... if he thinks another man is keeping you treading water while you are LDR, he'll swoop in that much faster (speaking from experience). Maintain your mental space from him.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, I can very much understand what may be going in your head. I read a thread you made about the break-up of your R with your ex-MM and it made me get emotional. I could feel the pain of him leaving, of saying he was selfish, of saying he couldn't leave his family - and it's the sort of thing you need to remind yourself of.

 

We forget the pain. We forget what we give up by being available to someone who is only available during working hours or when they W/kids go away for a weekend. We forget the mistrust, the blows to our esteem, the desperation and the nights wondering if we're going to lose him forever because we sent an email or text at the wrong time.

Yes, he probably misses you. Mentally and physically. Why wouldn't he? You're a loving, giving woman who imbues a relationship and the partner she's with with absolute adoration. You are a wonderful, smart, generous, and attractive woman who still doubts her wonderfulness, smarts, generosity and attractiveness.

 

You loved your exMM enough for you and him both. It's a powerful draw. It's something any one would miss and come looking for again.

 

And yes, it will be to serve his own ends. He's looking for any sign you'll let him back in. He's not a demon, but he is hungry. He told you all you needed to know years ago. He's selfish. He's broken. He won't change for anyone, not even you. He loves himself above all and he knows eventually he'll get a "No" turned into a "Yes". Doesn't make him bad but it does make him not looking out for your best interests.

 

You've come a long way since 2009. You keep taking care of YOU. You are so important. You are so vibrant. You are worth more than you may yet believe. He has nothing to give you that increases your well-being. He's seeking something that will increase HIS well-being. It's time for you to be selfish. Be selfish and take care of you.

 

It will seem so hard to do, and I'm no perfect model (yet) for it... but let him find someone else to entertain him. And be wary of what you've let on to him about your other fella... if he thinks another man is keeping you treading water while you are LDR, he'll swoop in that much faster (speaking from experience). Maintain your mental space from him.

 

This.

 

It is easy to forget. After you said that i went back and read a few of my old posts and i can feel my own misery through my words. Funny how we forget and it becomes little more than a twinge of unhappy in our memories.

 

In some ways he seems different in that the sense of guilt he always had has diminished. He's become complacent with his life now and decided the only way to keep the status quo is stay married for now and maybe try to find ways to be passionate with someone elsewhere once in a while.

 

He doesn't lie to me in the sense that he makes me false promises about a happily ever after with me-- he's never done that, really. He thinks a divorce will be financially devastating to him, and that his wife will find a way to make his contact with the children as minimal as humanely possible. I don't know the laws in the area-- im sure she has to let him be with them when a judge says so , but I suppose the very thought of having arranged children visits and not just going home after work and seeing them makes him scared above all else.

 

For the first time in a decade he HAS been talking more freely about his feelings for me, how his guilt in the past didn't let him enjoy our time together enough, that he's sad that his "situation" prevents us from having a normal relationship. I think he's getting further along the track of divorce-- at least he talks about it now which he never did before-- but I dont think he'd be ready for it for a long , long time. Maybe not until his kids were off to college or something, and god knows im not waiting two more decades for that to happen.

 

So thanks for reminding me of my old posts. I went back and read a few and they made me twitch almost with how unhappy i sounded. I guess part of my will always care about him and I'm enjoying, for lack of better words, hearing him FINALLY tell me how he felt about me all these years so bluntly and being so much more open these lat few conversations. I dont want to go back to playing second fiddle to his family though.

 

I spoke to him today and told him that. That I can't go back to waiting for him, pining by my window only to get a last minute text that he can't come, canceled plans, holidays and important dates without him, 45 minute escapes. I said I can't do that anymore, I need something more. He said he understood. Said he wished he could give me that. Inwardly I think he could, but I guess he's not ready to change his life around enough to do so. His wife is on high alert and pretty much monitors where he goes and what he does to a T so it's not like he'd be able to find time to see me even if I told him I would. Or maybe he'd find a way, who the hell knows.

 

He still asked if we could stay in contact, even after I leave the country again. I'm not really sure why sometimes. He says it's because he misses talking to me, even if he can't see me. Even if I'm far away. I haven't met him, and I haven't said I will meet him, but I'm having a little trouble saying we can never speak again for some reason. Never in my life did I have such a connection-- mentally and physically-- with another human being. It still breaks my heart years later, seems supinely like a joke that fate has played. I keep telling myself every experience in life is supposed to teach you a better way to embrace your future and yet I can't fathom what this constant interaction with a man I'm so well suited for that I cant have is supposed to mean except to make me utterly sad at how unfair it is.

[KismetGirl]

Wow kismet girl you have a very big understanding heart- you truly are somebody that forgives ALL bad treatment in order to understand, be there to support and defend someone that has had very little consideration for you. Its quite commendable that you are so loyal, understanding and caring, its just a real shame its for someone who doesn't deserve one ounce of your compassion- someone who let you down repeatedly, has never changed his situation through cowardice.

 

Thank you B...

 

Im afraid my utter compassion and ability to try to see all sides of why people do things has often been both a strength and a weakness depending on the situation. He says he doesnt deserve my forgiveness, my talking to him. He's probably right and so are you.

 

I'm very good at giving advice, and like so many, very bad at following my own. But I suppose its easier to tell someone else to go NC when my heart is not involved in their matters. Hearing his voice again, his laugh, the way he can without fail make me feel beautiful, funny and wonderful with naught but a few words and I remember how I feel when he's standing in front of me.

 

It's a tough one to deal with, for sure. very tough. I'm strong but I'm not perfect. I can say I can't meet him but telling him to sod off....that's been much harder. Keep telling myself Im leaving soon. Maybe I can just talk to him a bit and then I'll leave and I won't have to decide "should i meet for that cup of coffee and chat or shouldnt i". So far I've held out. I'm really trying. There is this sense of familiarity that is hard to overlook-- he's met people in my family, some of my friends. In a time when Ive been down on myself lately, here he is , with all sincerity, telling me how ridiculously beautiful he has always thought I was. How he's taken a peek at online photos of me, current ones, in which I think I look horrid and how he thinks Im still as gorgeous as he ever thought I was. And he's not sweet talking-- I know that's how he feels. And it feels good to know someone feels that way. It's addictive. It's hard to ignore.

[Tinroof53]

Is it really fair to the guy you're seeing that you're communicating again with the MM?

 

Have you told your BF yet?

[KismetGirl]

Is it really fair to the guy you're seeing that you're communicating again with the MM?

 

Have you told your BF yet?

 

The guy I'm talking to back home is not my boyfriend yet. He's just a new guy I met right before I left on my current trip, that I've continued speaking to while Im out of the country, that I'm exploring the possibility of a relationship with once I return home. he himself is dating other girls while I am not there, so no, I really don't think it's imperative I tell him I'm talking to MM again. I like him a lot but we are not in a monogamous relationship yet.

 

Though to be honest I did tell him that MM contacted me. I don't see why I'd have to get into details of our conversation beyond that.

[Poppy47]

Wow Kismet,

 

You are really doing a great job of rationalising why you should see this heap of **** again.

 

Reading through this thread I can see you talking yourself into meeting him. You are slipping towards it more every time you post.

 

Why???? I'll tell you. YOu never slammed the bloody door and threw the key away.

 

Poppy

[KismetGirl]

Wow Kismet,

 

You are really doing a great job of rationalising why you should see this heap of **** again.

 

Reading through this thread I can see you talking yourself into meeting him. You are slipping towards it more every time you post.

 

Why???? I'll tell you. YOu never slammed the bloody door and threw the key away.

 

Poppy

 

Im not rationalising why i should see him. I dont need to be rational for that, obviously lol

 

No I think Im just trying to understand him. You guys, obviously, only know in as much as I tell you which is not everything (that's impossible just in words on here, to describe every moment and word that has gone between us in ten plus years....)

 

I understand the immediate need by people to label any MM a cheating, lying selfish scumbag. I imagine many people also label OW's thieving, selfish whores who don't care about another woman's relationship. Neither of those are true for everyone in those positions, though they are true for many.

 

I know him pretty well, and Ive tried to explain how I am intrigued by the difference in how he speaks now about certain things but it's hard to really get across in words, apologies. There is something different about him these days and I think he is (slowly) getting to the point where he'll leave, though not anytime soon.

 

Im not trying to convince myself to see him. I obviously already want to do that. I'm trying more than anything to talk about something I feel very emotional about, to wrap my head around all these feelings, for the very reason that I'm trying so hard to not meet him. I hope that makes sense.

 

If I'd already decided anything I guarantee I wouldnt be sitting here writing when I should be working...

[Baby123]

Best case scenario MM is telling you the truth- he is miserable and he does truly miss you and did love you.

 

That's great but how much more exploring and explaining do you need to do find out all of the details? Isn't it enough now?

 

Can't you just take your closure and move forward?

 

Being friends with a Mm will cause you nothing but grief - I'm not saying it to be nasty and nor am I condemning MM. I am together with mine now - out in the open and my MM was a good guy and did what he said he would and get a D.

 

Yours after 10 years still won't leave- are you really going to be his friend and support through this 'tough' time. Also if you go down the friends route please be aware that it will be a friendship on his terms, you'll still be secret, still hidden and still bailed on at the last second.

 

Please just give your time and affection to someone that is brave, brave enough to help themselves through life, and to be the maker if there own destiny. You deserve to be around people who are decent and caring like you.

 

You MM was brave enough to find and sleep with 3 women out of his marriage but isnt brave enough to leave- it doesn't add up.

 

You should just walk away with the big smile on your face.

[Poppy47]

DIDN'T lock that door Kismet. You still have it open just enough.

Poppy

[bathtub-row]

First of all, I agree that kids get over divorce. It's usually the parents and their immature behavior during the divorce process that creates the problems with divorce. Kids do not benefit from being with parents who are miserable together. And kids are not a reason to stay in a miserable relationship.

 

I totally understand why you're talking to xMM and as long as you stay protective of yourself, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. No matter what anyone else wants to believe, the two of you obviously had something very significant and that is never easy to walk away from. It makes sense that talking to him has been very healing.

 

None of us wants to think that we weren't special to someone we gave our heart and soul to. xMM used to tell me that we were soul mates and, over time, has said some pretty significant things, but like you and your xMM, we rarely talked about his marriage, and he rarely spouted the ILY stuff. But we can totally make one another's day, still bring absolute joy to one another, and he understands me like no one I've ever met. At the same time, all that intensity means that person a lot of power over us and they can wound us -- usually unknowingly -- like no one else can. xMM did something a few years ago that really pissed me off. What he did would've pissed off any woman so it wasn't an off-the-wall reaction. I never yelled at him and never raised my voice but, to this day, he will still bring up about how I got mad at him. He doesn't seem to remember why I got mad or that I had a perfectly good reason to be mad; all he seems to remember is that I was mad at him. It's really comical when I think about it.

 

All that aside, his decision to stay in his marriage was also a decision to put an end to our relationship. It's all about choices and I decided a long time ago that I'm not going to concern myself with why he does what he does. It's just an exercise in futility.

 

I hope all goes well with the new guy, and I hope your new life will bring you a lot of happiness!

[whichwayisup]

Thank you B...

 

Im afraid my utter compassion and ability to try to see all sides of why people do things has often been both a strength and a weakness depending on the situation. He says he doesnt deserve my forgiveness, my talking to him. He's probably right and so are you.

He is but he also knows that by telling you that, you'll feel bad and feel sorry for him so you won't tell him to go away.

 

I'm very good at giving advice, and like so many, very bad at following my own. But I suppose its easier to tell someone else to go NC when my heart is not involved in their matters. Hearing his voice again, his laugh, the way he can without fail make me feel beautiful, funny and wonderful with naught but a few words and I remember how I feel when he's standing in front of me.

 

And this is why NC is so important. You see now those old feelings have come rushing back.

 

It's a tough one to deal with, for sure. very tough. I'm strong but I'm not perfect. I can say I can't meet him but telling him to sod off....that's been much harder. Keep telling myself Im leaving soon. Maybe I can just talk to him a bit and then I'll leave and I won't have to decide "should i meet for that cup of coffee and chat or shouldnt i". So far I've held out. I'm really trying. There is this sense of familiarity that is hard to overlook-- he's met people in my family, some of my friends. In a time when Ive been down on myself lately, here he is , with all sincerity, telling me how ridiculously beautiful he has always thought I was. How he's taken a peek at online photos of me, current ones, in which I think I look horrid and how he thinks Im still as gorgeous as he ever thought I was. And he's not sweet talking-- I know that's how he feels. And it feels good to know someone feels that way. It's addictive. It's hard to ignore.

 

If you continue contact with him, you'll be back in this, at least emotionally. You're already half way there.

 

I suggest you go back and re read your past threads to remember the pain he caused you. Nothing has changed...

 

You're fooling yourself if you think you can have contact, then up and leave in 2 months and go on with your life.

 

This also has probably made you detach and think less of the guy you're interested in now.

[whichwayisup]

He still asked if we could stay in contact, even after I leave the country again. I'm not really sure why sometimes. He says it's because he misses talking to me, even if he can't see me. Even if I'm far away. I haven't met him, and I haven't said I will meet him, but I'm having a little trouble saying we can never speak again for some reason. Never in my life did I have such a connection-- mentally and physically-- with another human being. It still breaks my heart years later, seems supinely like a joke that fate has played. I keep telling myself every experience in life is supposed to teach you a better way to embrace your future and yet I can't fathom what this constant interaction with a man I'm so well suited for that I cant have is supposed to mean except to make me utterly sad at how unfair it is.

 

As long as he's in your life, on any level, you'll never really let go of him and allow another man into your heart. Fact. You'll be invested in him all over again.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong by respectfully telling him that it's unfair and unhealthy for any friendship to continue, that you can't handle it and it's best to say goodbye, wish each other well and go complete NC.

 

He never is divorcing, that truth has come out - Which is the opposite of what he implied when he first contacted you.

 

This is a test of your strength. A test of what you're made of. You can love him always, but from afar. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to have them.

[KismetGirl]

He is but he also knows that by telling you that, you'll feel bad and feel sorry for him so you won't tell him to go away.

 

 

 

And this is why NC is so important. You see now those old feelings have come rushing back.

 

 

 

If you continue contact with him, you'll be back in this, at least emotionally. You're already half way there.

 

I suggest you go back and re read your past threads to remember the pain he caused you. Nothing has changed...

 

You're fooling yourself if you think you can have contact, then up and leave in 2 months and go on with your life.

 

This also has probably made you detach and think less of the guy you're interested in now.

 

Definitely I think the only positive of this is ive become less focused on the LDR guy....if you read my other threads on him you'll see i was really anxious about this long distance stuff, and two more months knowing this other guy was dating other girls in the meantime was upsetting me a lot and the last couple days ive been a bit distracted though i havent forgotten about him. But the distraction was nice enough so i wasn't focusing on just one guy but sort of a little on one and a bit on MM.

 

To be fair i am testing my emotions by talkin to MM, but at the end of the day I AM leaving in two months so no matter what theres only so much that can happen. He won't follow me overseas....

 

I dont know. I dont know what to do right now. Im enjoying talking to him again. That's for sure. I'm enjoying feeling good about myself with his constant flattery, and its because i know he means it because that's how he's always felt about me. There is some sense of security.

 

But then i read my old posts and i remember the upset the A caused. That's what keeps me from meeting him in person and keeping it a phone reconection. That's something, no?

[jellybean89]

Definitely I think the only positive of this is ive become less focused on the LDR guy....if you read my other threads on him you'll see i was really anxious about this long distance stuff, and two more months knowing this other guy was dating other girls in the meantime was upsetting me a lot and the last couple days ive been a bit distracted though i havent forgotten about him. But the distraction was nice enough so i wasn't focusing on just one guy but sort of a little on one and a bit on MM.

 

*Then tell the LD guy that it upsets you to know he is dating others. COMMUNICATE with him.

 

To be fair i am testing my emotions by talkin to MM, but at the end of the day I AM leaving in two months so no matter what theres only so much that can happen. He won't follow me overseas....

 

*But you wish he would. Kismet, it is evident from your posts on this thread that you are wanting to re-establish something with the MM. Within a few days, you have emailed and talked to him on the phone...I am betting you will be meeting him for something by next weekend. This is so unhealthy for you and you are back sliding quickly. You are defensive about him in ever respect and really enjoying the attention he is piling on you.

 

I dont know. I dont know what to do right now. Im enjoying talking to him again. That's for sure. I'm enjoying feeling good about myself with his constant flattery, and its because i know he means it because that's how he's always felt about me. There is some sense of security.

 

You shouldn't feel good because a MM who hurt you deeply is telling you I miss you. You shouldn't feel good that he is trying to rekindle the affair. You should be telling him that he is the past - and he chose to stay married, so therefore, he needs to close the door and not contact you anymore. That is the mature thing for you to do, imho.

 

But then i read my old posts and i remember the upset the A caused. That's what keeps me from meeting him in person and keeping it a phone reconection. That's something, no?

 

Yes, re-read your old posts. I dont think there was a single poster who couldn't feel the hurt you were going through.

 

You finally move past him and onto another guy - Michael if I remember correctly from what I read.... and you had posted how being with that guy made you realize the crumbs you got from MM. What's changed? Is it because you don't have an actual boyfriend right now - that any attention is better than no attention?

[whichwayisup]

Definitely I think the only positive of this is ive become less focused on the LDR guy....if you read my other threads on him you'll see i was really anxious about this long distance stuff, and two more months knowing this other guy was dating other girls in the meantime was upsetting me a lot and the last couple days ive been a bit distracted though i havent forgotten about him. But the distraction was nice enough so i wasn't focusing on just one guy but sort of a little on one and a bit on MM.

Replacing one for the other..Not a good distraction! Just trading in one issue for another..And that another is a painful one.

 

To be fair i am testing my emotions by talkin to MM, but at the end of the day I AM leaving in two months so no matter what theres only so much that can happen. He won't follow me overseas....

Yeah and only so much pain as you allow yourself to become emotionally attached to him again, open your heart and feel hurt/pain when you leave. Don't do it. Love yourself more. Respect yourself more.

I dont know. I dont know what to do right now. Im enjoying talking to him again. That's for sure. I'm enjoying feeling good about myself with his constant flattery, and its because i know he means it because that's how he's always felt about me. There is some sense of security.

 

Don't rely on ANY guy to make you feel good. That security is based on false grounds. it's not safe, far from it. Out come is pain.. You know this. Feel good now, hurt like hell later. Is it worth it?? Love yourself more..Respect yourself more...

But then i read my old posts and i remember the upset the A caused. That's what keeps me from meeting him in person and keeping it a phone reconection. That's something, no?

 

Not really. I wish you the strength and wisdom to see that nothing has changed. He is still very married and this is going nowhere. It's selfish of him to reach out to again when he has NO intention of divorcing. Imagine this on another level. The guy has treated you like crap, hurt you, and turned your heart into shambles... You move on... 3 years later you're happy and have your life back. Snap!! He comes back and instead of asking him to please leave you alone and to not contact you again, you hear him out, allow him to explain himself to you, pushing your emotional buttons - In his mind he's thinking, wow, I was HORRIBLE to this woman and 3 years later there's no anger, she is concerned about me and still cares. I got it made in the shade! I can cheat on my wife again, go behind her back and have my exOW back, she doesn't hate me, she still loves me even though I was an ahole to her! Such a lucky man...

 

DOESN'T that just piss you off? IT does me. Men, any man married or not, who treats a woman so shi.tty doesn't deserve to come back 3 years later and expect a warm welcome back. You've OK'd this behaviour of his.

 

No I think Im just trying to understand him.

 

3 years later you shouldn't care enough to try to understand him. He is your past and a painful one at that.

 

Please Kismet, tell him goodbye. Wish him well, ask him to please respect you by not contacting you again. It'll hurt less now than in 2 months from now. If you keep contact up, it's NOT gonna end once you move away. Can guarantee it.

[Ruffian1]

He has lied to his wife, yes. I can'treally find anything at this time he is lying to me about—[/b]

 

Why do OW think it is ok for them to lie to their spouse, but not to them?!?

 

that he's sad that his"situation" prevents us from having a normal relationship. I thinkhe's getting further along the track of divorce-- at least he talks about itnow which he never did before-- but I dont think he'd be ready for it for a long, long time.

 

So he is just using his wife as a babysitter,et. Until the kids are older then he will divorce her for someone else in her older age???

What a gem.

How would you like to be her?

[HBIC]

Kismet,

I've been following along on this thread with quite a bit of interest because I too deal with interacting with my exMM. Like you, I enjoy exMM's flattery. It's the same sort of deal where, for some odd reason, one second of hearing exMM's voice is electrifying. Do I want to go back to being a mistress? Hell no. Do I want to try to force myself to think of the world as a place where people are split into being only "good" or "bad"? Hell no to that too.

 

In my posts, I have called my exMM a lot of nasty things. Why? It helped me create emotional distance. It has been a useful tool to steer my mind to a healthier place. You are getting a lot of advice about how your exMM is this or that bad thing. The reality is that he, like you, like everyone on this planet, is a complex human being with ever-evolving thoughts, feelings, and motivations. He reached out to you. You responded. You two are now chatting. Despite your obvious trepidation around the guy, I'm sure it feels damn good.

 

At the risk of being blasted by folks on here, who tend to be hard-liners, I think chatting with the guy or even (oh, Jesus!) meeting him for coffee is harmless as long as you don't let your heart fall into the trap of restarting an A, pining for him, or putting any part of your life on hold for him. My exMM and I have seen each other in person post-A. The A didn't restart. The earth didn't shatter. Cats and dogs didn't start raining down from the sky in some sort of apocalypse. It was good to see him, we healed some wounds, and we are carrying on with our respective lives.

 

Just my two cents.

[Tinroof53]

I'm left wondering what benefit you get if you keep in contact with him?

 

Write a list of pros and cons.

 

Is it worth it for your ultimate goals?

[FusionCutter]

I'm left wondering what benefit you get if you keep in contact with him?

 

Write a list of pros and cons.

 

Is it worth it for your ultimate goals?

 

People have been asking her these questions since like 2008. Go back and read every thread she has ever started. To each their own. I think people want to genuinely help her out of her situation, but her actions show that she wants to stay in this situation.

 

Honestly, if she wants to change something about the situation she would have done it by now. Instead, good advice (hundreds of posts of it) is ignored.

 

I am fully convinced the OP just simply wants people to sympathize with her pain as she goes through years of emotional turmoil. It's her own doing. In a way, by being in denial, she is only hurting herself, and hurting herself for years on end.