She won't just leave him alone.

[No Limit]

Your story sounds like the title "He just won't leave other women alone" would be more appropriate.

[howcouldInotknow]

OP has no interest in leaving her husband. He has no responsibility for his actions. This sorceress is here trying to steal him. The denial is so deep in this post why not make your life simple and ignore it all. Saying you can't divorce because of a child you have no legal rights to sounds ridiculous. You can stay and she can still choose to have nothing to do with you

[Tootiredtofight]

She didn't love you in the first place then.

 

I will chalk this statement up to ignorance. You have obviously never been a mother to a sixteen year old girl. Or are just clueless because you don't pay attention. What a hurtful thing to say. She loves me. I am the mom that raised her. But I worked and he was a stay at home dad. She wants me to forgive her dad because he is sorry and us all stay together. If I left, it would be because I didn't believe him or couldn't forgive him and she and I would drift apart. Or she would be outright mad.

 

Maybe no one here understands loving a non biological child. Or a husband who is wonderful 99% of the time. But I do. Divorce isn't as easy for some people. Some people love their spouse despite issues. For better or worse.

 

There has been not a word from her. I think it is over.

[Tootiredtofight]

OP has no interest in leaving her husband. He has no responsibility for his actions. This sorceress is here trying to steal him. The denial is so deep in this post why not make your life simple and ignore it all. Saying you can't divorce because of a child you have no legal rights to sounds ridiculous. You can stay and she can still choose to have nothing to do with you

 

What a hateful thing to say. How is it ridiculous? Or do you not care about children unless you gave birth to them?

[Tinroof53]

I divorced my exH after cheating occurred;we were married nearly 20 years.

 

I still have a relationship with my stepson ten years after the D. I met the child when he was 3 years old.

 

Yes, it's possible to continue relationship whether you stay married or not.

 

The cheating was separate and the responsibility was on my ex. My relationship with my stepson was a completely separate relationship which we decided best to continue to nurture.

 

Your H isn't the boss of whether or not your R continues if you decide to divorce. That decision would be up to you and the child (who is nearly adult age now anyway).

 

I view these as separate issues. One is easily remedied with nurturing the other not so much.

 

Unless your H gets honest about what he did and how he intends to repair the trust he's broken you have little to work with within the M if he not trustworthy.

[LifesontheUp]

She is 16. Some people might lie to their children but we do not. Because of us all knowing one another the situation was to complicated to not have. REason for cutting the tramp out of our life.

 

 

But she isn't cut out is she. She's still there, but you continue to make excuses for your husband

[LifesontheUp]

I will chalk this statement up to ignorance. You have obviously never been a mother to a sixteen year old girl. Or are just clueless because you don't pay attention. What a hurtful thing to say. She loves me. I am the mom that raised her. But I worked and he was a stay at home dad. She wants me to forgive her dad because he is sorry and us all stay together. If I left, it would be because I didn't believe him or couldn't forgive him and she and I would drift apart. Or she would be outright mad.

 

Maybe no one here understands loving a non biological child. Or a husband who is wonderful 99% of the time. But I do. Divorce isn't as easy for some people. Some people love their spouse despite issues. For better or worse.

 

There has been not a word from her. I think it is over.

 

My husband before I met him was a step dad to a 15yr old boy. His ex gf cheated on him (as she did many previous partners before him). When J found out he was torn as he loved his mother but also loved his step dad (my current husband). For a quite a long time his mother put the "knife" in and the contact they had at the start of the split was minimal. It got more and more over time as J missed his step dad a great deal and started to see that it wasn't his fault.

 

NOW - J is a visitor to our house every few weeks and he is more than welcome.

 

I try not to post unless I've had some experience on what the poster is going through.

 

Its a shame that you are so willing to allow your husband to get away with his cheating. It'll take its toll on you and your step daughter. I wish you luck

Edited November 9, 2014 by LifesontheUp
remove name

[Egone]

If you're husband does not welcome these, why doesn't he just not respond to her communications? If she gets no response EVER, she'll get bored and stop.

 

 

There's not reason they should be communicating or in situations where they're alone together unless he allows it.

[anika99]

I will chalk this statement up to ignorance. You have obviously never been a mother to a sixteen year old girl. Or are just clueless because you don't pay attention. What a hurtful thing to say. She loves me. I am the mom that raised her. But I worked and he was a stay at home dad. She wants me to forgive her dad because he is sorry and us all stay together. If I left, it would be because I didn't believe him or couldn't forgive him and she and I would drift apart. Or she would be outright mad.

 

Maybe no one here understands loving a non biological child. Or a husband who is wonderful 99% of the time. But I do. Divorce isn't as easy for some people. Some people love their spouse despite issues. For better or worse.

 

There has been not a word from her. I think it is over.

 

 

Biological children can turn on you too. My own son decided he hated my guts for a couple of years as a teenager. He went to live with his dad for a period of time as he couldn't stand me. He got over it, but I had to let him go for a while as I couldn't have him dictating the rules of the house and disrespecting me.

 

 

As a parent you are called upon to set an example. Now would be a good time for you to demonstrate to your step daughter that cheating is unacceptable in a relationship and there are consequences for bad behaviour.

[Mount]

To sum up OP's situation is that - Husband has a mistress despite he claims he does not have anymore. and the wife can not do anything about it, to restrain the husband, thus wife /OP dislikes the mistress being existing on earth.

 

The pathetic part is - Husband cheats , so what, whatever the wife can do about it ? If not, just suck it up, life goes on.

[GreySkyMorning]

I'm still amazed at the part where the OP can only forgive her husband because he claims to have been drunk and not known what he was doing, yet she intentionally had an affair to hurt him. And she had her affair while claiming to believe that her husband didn't really have sex with this woman! Sounds to me like he should be the one thinking about divorcing HER, not the other way around! I kinda hope for his sake that he really did at least get sex out of it, since his wife screwed him too.

[merrmeade]

These women always seem to go after him. ...

This one is persistent....

His problem is he is too nice ...

I had warned him but he is so clueless he brushed it off...

I was mad at him for being too nice.

Just look at those statements together.... Who's too clueless and trusting - him or you?

 

And this is YOUR proof that he's telling the truth and she's lying:

he denied it happened...

he still denied having an affair with her so I think he is telling the truth...

because I know him.

she was my friend and I know her.

If he pursued her she would have some sort of evidence. And she would gladly show me. She delights in hurting me. I honestly think she is doing all this to hurt me.

 

Apparently she gets something out of it. Either she's stalking him or, as you say, she's doing it to hurt you.

Why can't she leave my husband alone. I have asked her to so many times and she just lies and lies and says it his him contacting her. But never has any proof .... .

Yes, why doesn't she leave him alone? Just consider the possibility that you've missed some things and you've been tricked. Consider the possibility that he is contacting her in spite of your failsafe sleuthing. Consider she's not the one lying - he is - and she feels no need to prove it to you or stop because she's enjoying herself, getting what she wants and doesn't care what you think or want.

My friends...would blame my husband ...

Only one friend even knows about the whole thing and they think my husband is a willing partner. It is my best friend so we don't talk about it.

So we aren't the only ones who don't buy the innocence of your H - and neither are your friends....

she still came back. Or never left....

I just caught him in communications with her. They have been chatting. I found a picture when I was going through his phone....

his reply was more than "friendly".....

maybe it was more involved than I thought recently...

You have your own doubts. about what you might have missed...

 

.... it still hurt a lot. That is why I had my revenge affair ...

merely evening things out so I could forgive him. And it worked.

This time it was just some inappropriate messages and I don't feel the need to get our marriage even.

[He] does need to get nasty... But I tried that using his name ...

And so what you have done to "stop someone ... from coming after your husband" is to confront her, punish your H, monitor communications and write LS. You had the RA to get the "marriage even" (but were shocked that there was so much reaction to this). It "worked"; you forgave him but still had to institute "in-house separation"/surveillance for the "inappropriate messages." No wonder you're "too tired to fight." You're exhausted from trying to manipulate everything and everyone still are stuck in stealth mode and blaming her.

 

The problem is that reconciliation isn't about getting the punishment to fit the crime. It depends on the WS's genuine remorse, pro-active accountability, actions to repair the marriage and regain your trust. Your H hasn't begun to make it up to you and isn't fixed because you're initiating everything. Has he seen you powerless, afraid, vulnerable and wounded because of his actions? Does he feel that he needs to do something because of how he's hurt you? Does he suffer for that - really suffer? If so, how - HOW - could he be so irresponsible and immature even you do believe he's so nice and clueless?

Edited November 10, 2014 by merrmeade

[howcouldInotknow]

What a hateful thing to say. How is it ridiculous? Or do you not care about children unless you gave birth to them?

 

I am not being hateful. You say you love her as if you gave birth to her, that would mean she would love you as if you gave birth to her. If this love and bond really is there and it is genuine on both sides leaving her dad should not mean that you lose her as well. You said you raised her as a mother would would her relationship with her birth mother cease to exist if the two divorced. What I am saying is if you divorce her dad and she vanishes from your life maybe the bond isn't really what you thought. I say this because I dated a guy years ago his daughter and I became really close. Her dad and I have not been together for over 7 years. We still talk text and see each other regularly. This past summer I went shopping with her for her prom dress and I went to her high school graduation. Her dad respects her choice because he is aware of the bond between her and I.

[OldMaidJuliet]

You're accountable for the things you do while drunk. If you break the law while drunk the judge doesn't say "Oh, he was drunk, he didn't mean it."...Your husband is 100% to blame for sleeping with her...

 

I'm not saying he wasn't aware of what he was doing, or that he wouldn't have done it sober, but alcohol does decrease inhibition, and there is actually a point at which people aren't really aware or in control of themselves. I know because, sadly, I hit that point once or twice, which is part of the reason I don't drink very much anymore. That, and well, I like brain cells. I never cheated in that situation, but I can't say I wouldn't have because honey, I was GONE. Once, I don't even entirely remember what happened. And actually, depending on how inebriated he was and how sober she was, this could legally be defined as rape. If a person is bombed out of their mind, they are not capable of consenting- legally or otherwise. With that said, due to his continued contact with her and his positive response to her inappropriate photo, I would say, he's not exactly innocent in their...well, whatever it is they are continuing in at the moment.

[OldMaidJuliet]

Tootired, a person can become too drunk to know what they are doing or to properly consent. If he was in the latter situation, he was taken advantage of at best, and raped at worst. You seem to think he really wasn't aware of what he was doing- so messed up he can't even remember it- yet you reacted with a revenge affair? Are you sure some part of you didn't think he knew what he was doing, or that at least he wanted to, and the alcohol lowered his inhibitions enough that he acted on it? Why else would you get angry and have a revenge affair instead of empathizing with him? Either way, it seems strange to me that he would talk to the woman after this, and he's not just talking appropriately.

 

But they have been chatting. I found a picture when I was going through his phone. Not a really bad photo but not one you send a co-worker. He says that he never asked for it but his reply was more than "friendly". I even sent her a message before from him that was really cruel.

 

You admitted that he was very complimentary about her inappropriate photo. "...more than 'friendly'" sounds like flirting to me. You say he is just too nice, but there's being nice to someone you should get a restraining order against, and then there's flirting with said person. You also say this occurred two years later. Has he been talking to her that entire time and hiding it from you? Why hide something innocent? As for your cruel message, maybe it didn't scare her off because he told her it wasn't him. Maybe she asked and he told her, or maybe you did scare her off, but he contacted her first, and then she could have cleared the incident up with him. As for being too nice, what about concern for your feelings? He could nicely tell her that his wife wants him to stop speaking to her because she had drunk sex with him or drunk raped him.

 

 

My husband apologized to me. He said that what I saw was the first interaction and it had been friendly. He said he only replied to the picture because he was worried if he didn't she would get mad at make up a story like last time.

 

Seems a bit odd that she did this after a two year interval, especially if she can't stay away from him. Also, you said it was more than friendly. And why would he give her more proof for her story if she made one up by flirting?

 

These women always seem to go after him. This one is persistent.

 

Okay, let's say you're right and it's this woman, not him. Don't you think it's a tad odd that there's so many women who've done this that you know about? Maybe more that you don't know about? Sure, it's possible he's just popular with the ladies, but when you say "these women always" instead of "this woman" or "sometimes," it begins to seem like the pattern might not be about "these women," but rather about him.

 

...and she just lies and lies and says it his him contacting her. But never has any proof. How do you stop someone outside from coming after your husband?

 

Why would you be so threatened if you thought he wasn't interested? Maybe she's actually telling the truth, and he is pursuing her, as well.

 

 

The reason I know it is her not him because I know him. And she was my friend and I know her.

 

Sometimes we think we know folks better than we do. Clearly, you thought she was someone else at one time, or why would you have been friends with her?

 

If he pursued her she would have some sort of evidence. And she would gladly show me. She delights in hurting me.

 

Maybe she does like to hurt you. However, I think you are wrong to assume she would have evidence. Do you honestly think she would keep evidence lying around where her husband could find it? Also, wouldn't your husband also try to limit evidence if he was pursuing her? For example, if he calls her cell, maybe he would block his number so it did not show on her id, or maybe she would delete his calls from the log so her husband wouldn't find the record. If he's calling her house phone, unless it's a long distance call or she has caller id, it would not be on your bills, and she would also have no record of the calls. Texts would likely be deleted if her husband has access to her phone or if you have access to your husband's. If they work at the same place, they could be interacting there, but why would she have evidence of that? Would you expect her to record their conversations? He might even initiate there. Who knows? Also, maybe she doesn't want to get on his bad side by showing you evidence.

 

 

Point blank, I could be wrong, but from the outside, it seems obvious that he is encouraging her behavior- or at least not discouraging it- if not outright cheating with her, and possibly with the other women you mentioned pursuing him before. This woman is not innocent, but laying the blame solely at her feet is likely naïve. It seems clear to nearly everyone here. I know that you have insight that we don't have, but you might also have blinders on because you are emotionally invested.

Edited November 22, 2014 by OldMaidJuliet

[ForbiddenFruit]

Put out a restraining order, and call his work place to file sexual harassment. Your husband must support you in these two things or else it won't fully work.

 

Women like that are no women at all, they are just girls and I am so sorry you have to deal with something like this.

[goodyblue]

Put out a restraining order, and call his work place to file sexual harassment. Your husband must support you in these two things or else it won't fully work.

 

Women like that are no women at all, they are just girls and I am so sorry you have to deal with something like this.

 

Women like that??? How about OP who stays with someone who.cheated on her? What kind of woman is she? What kind of a man is her husband??

[GreySkyMorning]

Women like that??? How about OP who stays with someone who.cheated on her? What kind of woman is she? What kind of a man is her husband??

What about an OP that cheated on her husband perfectly sober to get revenge, even though she claims she doesn't believe he actually had sex? Wouldn't that make her one of "those women"?

[goodyblue]

What about an OP that cheated on her husband perfectly sober to get revenge, even though she claims she doesn't believe he actually had sex? Wouldn't that make her one of "those women"?

 

Lol! Exactly!

[Cressida]

I asked him about the restraining order and he told me that she hasn't harassed near enough for one. You can't just put one on anybody you like. I called the police station and they agreed with him.

 

 

-I am not defending him. If he had been sober that night it would have been worse but it still hurt a lot. That is why I had my revenge affair. I am surprised so many people think that is the same as cheating without being provoked. I was merely evening things out so I couls forgive him. And it worked. This time it was just some inappropriate messages and I don't feel the need to get our marriage even.

 

-I understand it is hard to believe he isn't the instigator when you don't know him. But I know he isn't. But you are right. He shouldn't be encouraging her.

 

-he told me he rarely sees her or talks to her at work. So there is nothing to report. Even if there was they always sode with the female at this place. My huband would be fired and she might get a slap on the wrist. My husband is very underqualified so getting work is hard.

 

-I plan to talk to him tonight and tell him that if he doesn't tell her in a no arguing way to f off then we are done. I am not sure what done looks like to me yet as divorce is out but I was thinking in house seperation or something.

 

-people who are black out drunk can have sex and do things and not remember. The problem is that you are right. I only have his word.

 

Though your words were harsh and hurt I do realize you are only trying to help. I did think of doing a polygraph when I saw the post about it. It just seems really crazy. I've never heard of then for cheating.

 

 

Polygraphs are used for cheating, just like private investigators, keyloggers on computers and phones, hidden cameras and phone bills/account checks are, etc. But it seems a bit crazy to go to the lengths of a polygraph when you could opt for one of the above-mentioned, if you really want to find out the truth. Polygraph is irrelevant even by legal standards in many states/countries, and it would just make the whole thing look like the cray-cray wife going after the husband's ba*lls.

 

You are being a little bit stubborn and unrealistic, and you know it. I don't know you personally but I truly sympathize with anyone who's ever felt or is feeling heartache, or any emotional turmoil. But please, be the professional, smart woman you seem to be.

 

You are only relying on what your husband told you. People who lie, and particularly men, are very good at it. My exMM was very good at lying yet I could always know when he did it (after a while). I never told him, just to be able to observe, and the more confident he got, the more awake I got.

 

This woman, however slutty and 'hurtful' to you she might be, didn't chase him down the street and wave a machete at his penis to coerce him to follow her in some establishment, where she forcefully made him drink and then forced herself onto him.

 

What was he doing in her company?Why did he get drunk in her company? Where did this happen? These are the questions you should address your husband. I think the other answers were right, in the sense that he isn't a child, he cannot be forced into doing something he doesn't want to do. He pretends not to remember so he'd get of scot-free while you fumigate, taking names and being angry and affected to the extent of telling that woman's husband.

 

It makes you look bad, because these measures shouldn't come from you. They should come from him, he should be the one cutting off all contact with this woman.

 

Unless the woman in question is mentally ill, there's no way that she would keep harassing him, sending him pictures, getting all giddy with him UNLESS he's responding in a positive way. You know it, in your heart. No woman does this, no matter how slutty they are, particularly if they're themselves married.

Had she been some 19 year-old stripper, i'd have given him the benefit of the doubt, but still. This woman cannot be acting the way you say (i.e. the way your husband told you), because she's a person like everybody else, she also has something to lose.

 

You are taking everything he told you for good despite his shady drunken behavior indicating that he's not to be trusted. Yes, drunken men have difficulty getting it up- how do you know he was that drunk? How do you know he was drunk at all?

 

The woman doesn't have to produce any evidence, it is your husband who must do so, as he is your wedded, legal partner and he is the one contractually bound to you. You two share a home and a family, he cannot just say he 'can't remember'. If we all said this, the correctional and legal systems wouldn't exist in any place on earth.

 

My suggestion is that you should stop having blind faith in your husband, as his dodgy behavior has shown he isn't to be trusted, or that trusted. He associated himself with another woman, got drunk around her (I'm sure she didn't kidnap him from a bar), and now pretends he has no recollection of what happened. Typical fratboy mentality to save face. This is just wrong, he is immature and very disrespectful.

 

You don't have to divorce if this isn't what you want, but you can grab him by the b*alls and show him you DO know what's going on, and that he should stop acting like you're some mindless child. Perhaps his attitude will improve if you shake him a little bit. (metaphorically speaking, of course)