She won't just leave him alone.

[beach]

Actually, recently a guy in the news got a slap on the wrist for murder. He got a manslaughter charge instead of first or second degree murder. That was because of the level of intoxication they were at when he murdered him. Only 5 years in prison. That is just one of many stories where being drunk is a factor in the outcome.

 

Blah blah blah - you believe this crap?

 

It still doesn't make your husband a faithful man.

[beach]

He was black out drunk. It means he was functioning but has no memory of what happened. Google it. And like I said we don't even know if he had sex.

 

You're defending him further...

 

Makes his behavior A - OK right?

[Tootiredtofight]

He IS a willing partner in his ongoing communication with her that looks like an affair!

 

If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck it must be a duck.

 

Stop making excuses FOR him and defending him.

You don't have a marriage because he is cheating on you.

 

Act accordingly.

 

I just want her to leave us alone. What about the sisterhood? That alone should stop her from this. He does say he won't talk to her anymore. But it is her I am worried about. She hasn't gave up yet.

[Tootiredtofight]

Blah blah blah - you believe this crap?

 

It still doesn't make your husband a faithful man.

 

Of course I believe it. It really happens. The fact he was drunk was big in me forgiving him eventually. The night he responded to her he was drunk to. It isn't an excuse. I've still been reall angry at him. We are in house sperated. I just want her to go away.

[beach]

I just want her to leave us alone. What about the sisterhood? That alone should stop her from this. He does say he won't talk to her anymore. But it is her I am worried about. She hasn't gave up yet.

 

Sisterhood? No! You're expectations are unreasonable given her lack of integrity.

 

She may never stop - because HE keeps participating and it makes her think she's got him.

 

Your husband is the ONLY one you should blame.

 

And ONLY blame YOURSELF for believing such a liar. YOU can change it - but are YOU willing to do what's necessary to change it for yourself?

[nightmare01]

Don't you think she just looks for something not there? I know lots of women who have done that. But you are very right. He needs to get nasty and tell her to F off. Only one friend even knows about the whole thing and they think my husband is a willing partner. It is my best friend so we don't talk about it. I am not going to lose friends because of her.

 

Yes it's possible the OW is just bat s**t crazy and is stalking you and your WH. But I think it's more likely she is being encouraged to do this by something your WH is doing or saying.

 

Sorry I don't know your story. How did the affair end?

 

Did OW go away from it thinking that if you had just not gotten in the way that she and your WH could live happily ever after?

 

Some WS seem to still have feelings for their AP after the affair. They think the AP is a good person and that mistakes were made and it's sad all around. So they want to let the AP down easily, and they say things like "you know I will always love you / I will always have a special place for you in my heart - but my life and family are tied to my marriage and my wife, so I have to let you go." If the AP heard a message like that, they might feel encouraged to continue contact.

[Tootiredtofight]

Yes it's possible the OW is just bat s**t crazy and is stalking you and your WH. But I think it's more likely she is being encouraged to do this by something your WH is doing or saying.

 

Sorry I don't know your story. How did the affair end?

 

Did OW go away from it thinking that if you had just not gotten in the way that she and your WH could live happily ever after?

 

Some WS seem to still have feelings for their AP after the affair. They think the AP is a good person and that mistakes were made and it's sad all around. So they want to let the AP down easily, and they say things like "you know I will always love you / I will always have a special place for you in my heart - but my life and family are tied to my marriage and my wife, so I have to let you go." If the AP heard a message like that, they might feel encouraged to continue contact.

 

Well he says there was never an affair. Just possibly some drunken fooling around. When he wouldn't have an affair with her she exploded and told her husband and I all about this "affair". There was never any communication between them after that except when I sent her a nasty message with his name and she never replied. Two years later I caught her sending him a picture and he responding flirty. That was it. I always check everything daily and manage our money. That is why I caught it so fast.

[beach]

That is no way to have a healthy relationship.

 

That would suck! You want him - why?

[nightmare01]

It sounds like he is still in denial. Drunken fooling around is an affair.. just as is a ONS.

 

Cutting ties with this woman is all on your WH. You should not have to play police woman. Set a boundary - if your WH responds to any message from her, it's over between you.

 

You can't control him and make him not respond or communicate with this woman if that's what he wants to do. He's completely free to do that. BUT you are also free to have consequences tied to that action.

 

Ask your WH to block her email. Then if there is further attempts by this woman to pull your WH back in, he should forward her message to you and not respond. He can choose to honor that boundary or not.

 

What consequence are you willing to apply to that boundary violation?

[Henrirose]

This is not your job to stop her.

It is his.

Specifically, what is it he has done to make this stop. And if it hasn't worked, then why hasn't he gotten legal advice as to what steps he should take next.

 

If you matter to him and knowing that this is upsetting to you then he will fix this! And if he doesn't, then believe that you are not that important to him. Believe what he does, not what he says.

 

Please, respond to thoughts from others by not defending him. It keeps you from hearing what we are all saying.

[beach]

Has he filed a restraining order?

 

Ask him to and see what his reaction is. If he won't - then he still intends to communicate with her.

[meandmycats]

You should take off those rose tinted spectacles.

 

 

My Father had an affair. For just about four years. He told my Mum when it blew up that she chased him relentlessly. So what? He didn't have to let her catch him did he?

 

 

Look, My Mother had a terrible time with the psychotic woman my Dad was screwing around with after the affair was over even, but she left the mess for my Dad to clean up while she was in Barbados deciding whether to stay there or not............

 

 

The point is, your husband ALLOWS whatever she does to happen and there are no consequences because you ALLOW him to get away with doing nothing about it.

 

 

When my ex partner was in the midst of her affair, everyone told me what was going on, who the other woman was, blah blah blah, but in the end I had to get to the stage where I couldn't stick it anymore and kicked her into touch.

 

 

You need to do the same. It might take your self esteem in the gutter to do it, but you will eventually get so f****d off with being taken the piss out of you'll WANT to rip his balls off and wear them as earrings!

[AlwaysGrowing]

He doean't flirt with women. He was flirty with this one woman. He does act married. And as for consequences I had a revenge affair after the drunk incident. I made sure he knew and it hurt him like hell. But he still denied having an affair with her so I think he is telling the truth.

 

 

You state that you have forgiven/understand why your husband slept with the OW. Then had a "revenge" affair?

 

Revenge are affairs with a different justification process.

 

Is this what forgiveness/understanding looks like?

 

You were hurt then looked to hurt back. Where did you learn that it is okay to use others(person you slept with) when you are hurt?

 

I would suggest IC to help you work through this. Like many others have said....you have put an unfair blaming load onto the OW. Have you dealt with the fact that you intentionally/with forethought broke your own marriage vows? If the OW is "a lot of names you can't say here", what do your own actions say about you?

[Sassy Girl]

Theres one way to find out. As for his phone, and find software that recovers deleted messages... that should gives you all your answers.

[beach]

If he REALLY didn't want her contacting him- he would've taken steps to be sure she couldn't. But he hasn't done that.

 

He responded to her - proof that he's a willing participant in their ongoing flirting.

[Realist3]

Well he says there was never an affair. Just possibly some drunken fooling around. When he wouldn't have an affair with her she exploded and told her husband and I all about this "affair". There was never any communication between them after that except when I sent her a nasty message with his name and she never replied. Two years later I caught her sending him a picture and he responding flirty. That was it. I always check everything daily and manage our money. That is why I caught it so fast.

 

You are in some serious denial. It has been an affair the whole time.

 

Why not talk to this 'friend', and get her side of the story instead of relying on the snow job you are being fed?

[EverySunset]

If he REALLY didn't want her contacting him- he would've taken steps to be sure she couldn't. But he hasn't done that.

 

He responded to her - proof that he's a willing participant in their ongoing flirting.

 

I agree.

 

And unfortunately I hear other friends saying the "she just won't leave him alone" thing when their husbands have taken the affair underground and little clues have surfaced, to gaslight their wife and displace the object of a wife's fury. Of course we don't figure it out til later.... Kind of like when a WS says "ILYBINILWY" they usually have an affair going too, I've started to regard "she just won't leave him alone" as another telltale sign.

 

I'm not saying that's what he's doing here... But, like beach said, his lack of discouraging it makes it seem pretty sketchy and it would lose him the benefit of doubt, for me.

 

I was one of those women too. And she was b*tsh*t crazy, but he was still engaging her advances too, the second he was at work, my back was turned, etc. They were both guilty. But I only concerned myself with him.

 

Til I left him, that is.

[stillafool]

She won't leave him alone

 

Well why should she? He isn't doing anything to stop her so she must think he likes hearing from her. Maybe he does since he won't tell her to stop. She is not interested in dating you so what you say to her goes in one ear and out the other. When he tells her to stop contacting him (with his own two lips not a written notice) she will get the message. Until then you may as well leave her and her husband alone because no one is listening to you.

[sweet_pea]

Since everyone is being hard on you, I'm sending you hugs. Sorry you're going through this.

[beach]

No one is being hard on her - we are telling her what is real.

 

Heck, Realist3 even chimed in and sorted it out from the serial cheater's perspective.

 

I agree the affair has never ended.

[oldshirt]

He doean't flirt with women. He was flirty with this one woman. He does act married. And as for consequences I had a revenge affair after the drunk incident. I made sure he knew and it hurt him like hell. But he still denied having an affair with her so I think he is telling the truth.

 

Oh ok, I'm sure that fixed everything right up. This should all be wrapped up pretty quick I'd imagine.

[elaine567]

Well he says there was never an affair. Just possibly some drunken fooling around. When he wouldn't have an affair with her she exploded and told her husband and I all about this "affair". There was never any communication between them after that except when I sent her a nasty message with his name and she never replied. Two years later I caught her sending him a picture and he responding flirty. That was it. I always check everything daily and manage our money. That is why I caught it so fast..

 

Have you never heard of a second mobile?

The pic to the mobile you know about, may have been just a mistake on her part, sending it to the wrong mobile.

 

I am amazed at how adamant you are that nothing happened, YOU weren't there.

Why would she tell her husband and you about the affair, just because your husband said he would NOT have an affair with her?

That makes no sense to me.

[stillafool]

He doean't flirt with women. He was flirty with this one woman. He does act married. And as for consequences I had a revenge affair after the drunk incident. I made sure he knew and it hurt him like hell. But he still denied having an affair with her so I think he is telling the truth.

 

No wonder you are worried about him having an affair. If he didn't have one before you pretty much left the door open for him to have one.

[anika99]

He doean't flirt with women. He was flirty with this one woman. He does act married. And as for consequences I had a revenge affair after the drunk incident. I made sure he knew and it hurt him like hell. But he still denied having an affair with her so I think he is telling the truth.

 

 

So on the one hand you believe that he never had an affair and on the other hand you got revenge by having your own affair. If you believed him why would you need revenge?

 

 

It's up to your husband to make this woman leave him alone. Stop blaming her. And I think it's highly unlikely that she made up an affair story to her husband. People will deny affairs to their dying day (like your husband) they don't go home and tell their spouse about pretend affairs.

 

 

Since you had your own affair though, I don't think there much respect for the your marriage from either you or your husband. Being drunk is not a good excuse for screwing someone else. Revenge is also a poor excuse for screwing someone else. You and your husband are 2 peas in a pod.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

This whole situation and the blatant denial of fault is pretty sad. SHE doesn't need to prove anything to you because she's not married to you. She owes you nothing. You're looking to the wrong person, and as long as you continue to believe your husband tells you the sky is purple and the grass is blue, your situation will never get better. Wake up. You THINK you know him, but if you ask me, you don't know him at all... Correction. You refuse to see the person he really is.