She won't just leave him alone.

[sweet_pea]

No one is being hard on her - we are telling her what is real.

 

Heck, Realist3 even chimed in and sorted it out from the serial cheater's perspective.

 

I agree the affair has never ended.

 

Did I say y'all weren't being real? No? Ok. Anyway, I hope things get sorted out OP!

[Scarlet2]

I don't know what to do. I am angry and hurt with him right now. I've never been one to seek advice from strangers but I feel like I am all alone. My parents are no help. My friends like the homewrecker and would blame my husband because she plays innocent so well it is disgusting. I make more than my husband and would end up paying alimony. The worst thing is I would lose my wonderful stepdaughter that I raised!

 

These women always seem to go after him. This one is persistent. Two years ago she got him in to bed with her when he was drunk. He doesn't remember anything. She had been trying to start an affair with him and I had warned him but he is so clueless he brushed it off. And then after this incident he denied it happened when she pushed for more and he refused she told her husband and me that they had had an affair. I think she was trying to get us to break up. She had no proof. I didn't believe her but I was mad at him for being too nice. And getting so drunk he blacked out while around her.

 

It gets worse. Now two years later I just caught him in communications with her. They work in the same building but different departments. And I let him because I knew he only saw her maybe once a month. But they have been chatting. I found a picture when I was going through his phone. Not a really bad photo but not one you send a co-worker. He says that he never asked for it but his reply was more than "friendly". I even sent her a message before from him that was really cruel.

 

I told her husband. I don't know what else to do. She is relentless. Why can't she leave my husband alone. I have asked her to so many times and she just lies and lies and says it his him contacting her. But never has any proof. How do you stop someone outside from coming after your husband?

 

Your husband has to tell her to stop and then the next step is restraining order. Not replying to her texts or fading out, hoping she'll get the hint, doesn't work. HE has to be straight up and TELL her.

 

She probably doesn't have proof that he's contacting her first if she's erasing the messages so that her own husband doesn't see them.

[Realist3]

No one is being hard on her - we are telling her what is real.

 

Heck, Realist3 even chimed in and sorted it out from the serial cheater's perspective.

 

I agree the affair has never ended.

 

 

I beg your pardon, I am no serial cheater.

[Mount]

Oh my .....if I am your husband, I will cheat on you too -BECAUSE It is "perfect" to cheat on you because you are 100% in self-denial mode, never think husband doing wrong, can not face the reality, can not face your wayward husband might not love you, and might love the mistress.

 

Just face the reality (why can't you just see the reality), stop defending your husband, he is the one to be 100% blamed on.

 

Well he says there was never an affair. Just possibly some drunken fooling around. When he wouldn't have an affair with her she exploded and told her husband and I all about this "affair". There was never any communication between them after that except when I sent her a nasty message with his name and she never replied. Two years later I caught her sending him a picture and he responding flirty. That was it. I always check everything daily and manage our money. That is why I caught it so fast.

[merrmeade]

You really need to listen to these people. Sure as hell wish I had.

 

My H has enjoyed a tremendous career - YEARS! as a gifted flirt with all women, young and old. I had the same goofy naïvite as you, thinking he just didn't know any other way to relate to women, it was just the way he was and he just didn't realize how he affected them... When I'd talk to him about it, he'd play dumb, which worked because I was so dumb.

 

Well, not any more. There's no more rug-sweeping. His flirting has been outed. And much, much more. Flirting leads to cheating. It just does. And cheating means betrayal, pain and long suffering. Besides, if he can flirt well, he can lie even better. Anyone that can feign innocence and deny accountability while navigating intricate human mating rituals is a skilled manipulator capable of sophisticated deceit as well.

 

But if you buy it, he will sell it. Or the other way around. My H blamed one A entirely on his sister-in-law-to-be, claiming she shocked him with her aggressive pursuit, forced him to carpool with her because the company was promoting it, followed him into the men's bathroom and the sauna, groped him, and finally gave him a bj. The real story was that it was mutual flirting—familiar, enjoyable, flattering. There was more than one bj, of course, and intercourse.

 

I don't believe your husband is innocent, harmless or vulnerable. They're grownups, not little boys caught with their hands in the cookie drawer, married adults, who know they're not acting like it when they flirt and encourage women. And the drunken romp in the sac? Even your description is enabling and dismissive — oh, those naughty boys just will be boys, you know!

 

You shouldn't be policing him like a detention monitor. No wonder you're tired of it. You're doing all the work. He doesn't bring anything to the relationship but more complications that you have to fix.

 

How will you make him accountable for his actions?

Edited November 6, 2014 by merrmeade

[gettingstronger]

How will you make him accountable for his actions?

 

THIS is the crux of the matter- he needs to be responsible for his actions- he needs to be firm in his demands that she leave him alone and he needs to be prepared to back it up with legal action if necessary- if not, then its just a cat and mouse game and he is a willing participant-

[Friskyone4u]

Let's assume your husband is an adult and has some intelligence. If that is the case, it is impossible to believe that he could not emphatically communicate to this woman that he wants no part of her.

You say you contacted her husband. Has your husband contacted him ??? She may have convinced him that you are crazy but if your husband calls him how can he deny that your husband wants no part of her.

As long as you are in "snoop mode" , put a VAR in his car. If he is talking to her it will happen in the car when you are not there.

the bottom line is he can stop this if he wants to but either he is enjoying the ego kibbles or something more is involved.

And if he was not too drunk to take his clothes off and climb into bed with her, then he was not too drunk to remember whether or not he could get it up.

[thirtysomethingteen]

You really need to listen to these people. Sure as hell wish I had.

 

My H has enjoyed a tremendous career - YEARS! as a gifted flirt with all women, young and old. I had the same goofy naïvite as you, thinking he just didn't know any other way to relate to women, it was just the way he was and he just didn't realize how he affected them... When I'd talk to him about it, he'd play dumb, which worked because I was so dumb.

 

Well, not any more. There's no more rug-sweeping. His flirting has been outed. And much, much more. Flirting leads to cheating. It just does. And cheating means betrayal, pain and long suffering. Besides, if he can flirt well, he can lie even better. Anyone that can feign innocence and deny accountability while navigating intricate human mating rituals is a skilled manipulator capable of sophisticated deceit as well.

 

AMEN to this. Some married men make a career out of this kind of thing and they are DAMN good at it.

 

I cannot for the life of me understand what goes on in their minds (I may post a separate thread about this later if time permits) but they just can't seem to get enough female attention - from multiple women, it is seldom just one - and will go to obscene lengths to get it.

 

One of these player-dogs kept me dangling on a leash all summer. I have no doubt that if his wife ever found out (not that she would, these guys are incredibly skilled liars and cover their tracks better than most serial killers) that he'd have her convinced in no time that it was all me, that I was the one hitting on HIM and not vice versa. He'd have her believing he was an innocent victim of my aggressive advances, which is just beyond laughable.

 

Since you seem adamant that you will not divorce or even separate from this man, I would let go of any expectations of your husband ever being faithful and go for an open marriage.

[Tootiredtofight]

Wow and ouch. That was a lot of reading. Okay, I get it. I need to kick his butt not hers. I asked him about the restraining order and he told me that she hasn't harassed near enough for one. You can't just put one on anybody you like. I called the police station and they agreed with him.

 

I can't even begin to reply to everything but here are a few points.

 

-I am not defending him. If he had been sober that night it would have been worse but it still hurt a lot. That is why I had my revenge affair. I am surprised so many people think that is the same as cheating without being provoked. I was merely evening things out so I couls forgive him. And it worked. This time it was just some inappropriate messages and I don't feel the need to get our marriage even.

 

-I cannot divorce. I know that is sad because if it wasn't for his child I would be out of here. She is 16 so I don't have a whole lot longe but I am still afraid of losing her at some point. It sucks just being the step mom that loves her like my own. I raised her.

 

-I understand it is hard to believe he isn't the instigator when you don't know him. But I know he isn't. But you are right. He shouldn't be encouraging her.

 

-he told me he rarely sees her or talks to her at work. So there is nothing to report. Even if there was they always sode with the female at this place. My huband would be fired and she might get a slap on the wrist. My husband is very underqualified so getting work is hard.

 

-I plan to talk to him tonight and tell him that if he doesn't tell her in a no arguing way to f off then we are done. I am not sure what done looks like to me yet as divorce is out but I was thinking in house seperation or something.

 

-people who are black out drunk can have sex and do things and not remember. The problem is that you are right. I only have his word.

 

Though your words were harsh and hurt I do realize you are only trying to help. I did think of doing a polygraph when I saw the post about it. It just seems really crazy. I've never heard of then for cheating.

[stillafool]

 

 

-I cannot divorce. I know that is sad because if it wasn't for his child I

would be out of here. She is 16 so I don't have a whole lot longe but I am still

afraid of losing her at some point. It sucks just being the step mom that loves

her like my own. I raised her.

 

Well the good news is in two years your step daughter will be 18 and you can't lose her because she will be an adult. I doubt very much that you would lose her at the age of 16 either. She may not be able to live with you but can certainly see you. I was raised by my step mother and if my dad and her had divorced he would have gone through sheer hell trying to keep me away from her. You can stop using her as an excuse to stay with your H.

[oldshirt]

Wow and ouch. That was a lot of reading. Okay, I get it. I need to kick his butt not hers. I asked him about the restraining order and he told me that she hasn't harassed near enough for one. You can't just put one on anybody you like. I called the police station and they agreed with him.

 

I can't even begin to reply to everything but here are a few points.

 

-I am not defending him. If he had been sober that night it would have been worse but it still hurt a lot. That is why I had my revenge affair. I am surprised so many people think that is the same as cheating without being provoked. I was merely evening things out so I couls forgive him. And it worked. This time it was just some inappropriate messages and I don't feel the need to get our marriage even.

 

-I cannot divorce. I know that is sad because if it wasn't for his child I would be out of here. She is 16 so I don't have a whole lot longe but I am still afraid of losing her at some point. It sucks just being the step mom that loves her like my own. I raised her.

 

-I understand it is hard to believe he isn't the instigator when you don't know him. But I know he isn't. But you are right. He shouldn't be encouraging her.

 

-he told me he rarely sees her or talks to her at work. So there is nothing to report. Even if there was they always sode with the female at this place. My huband would be fired and she might get a slap on the wrist. My husband is very underqualified so getting work is hard.

 

-I plan to talk to him tonight and tell him that if he doesn't tell her in a no arguing way to f off then we are done. I am not sure what done looks like to me yet as divorce is out but I was thinking in house seperation or something.

 

-people who are black out drunk can have sex and do things and not remember. The problem is that you are right. I only have his word.

 

Though your words were harsh and hurt I do realize you are only trying to help. I did think of doing a polygraph when I saw the post about it. It just seems really crazy. I've never heard of then for cheating.

 

Way too much self-contradiction and continued denial taking place here to help you very much. You even contradict yourself in the same paragraph at times.

 

So here's my recommendation and it is the same that many of us give if there is a chance there might infidelity.

 

Step 1 - STOP TALKING. the only things you've brought up here is "I said...", "he said...." "She said...."

 

No one has done any actual actions (other than your infidelity). So stop talking about it. Just be sweet and carry on with normal life and stop bring it up and butt-bleeding about it.

 

Step 2 - start doing your own investigation and gather up your own FACTS (in other words, find actual facts and evidence and smoking guns rather than what he/she tells you)

 

Hack his phone and computer and go through txts, emails, Facebook, phone calls etc. dig through every drawer, cabinet, closet, trunk of car, glove compartment etc like on CSI and look for another phone, motel keys, receipts, anything.

 

Pull up the last few months of phone records and go through phone calls and tcpxts and determine if any numbers keep popping up. Compare those to his phone to see if he is deleting anything.

 

Get a couple voice activated recorders and hide them in his vehicle and anywhere that he may be having secret phone conversations.

 

Get key logger programs and install on his computer that will log everything he puts on the computer even if he deletes emails etc.

 

In other words, go into secret agent mode and find the smoking gun. It will be hard to stay in denial when you hear them getting it on with your own ears and hear their conversations for yourself. When you read his email to her telling her how hot she is and how much he likes her sucking his dck, you won't be as apt to believe his assurances that it's all her.

[TrustedthenBusted]

He was black out drunk. It means he was functioning but has no memory of what happened. Google it. And like I said we don't even know if he had sex.

 

 

I went to Chico State University. Trust me, I practically got my PhD in Blackout Drinking.

 

Things you can do when you are blackout drunk include:

 

1. Stumbling around the street while your friends try to corral you.

 

2. Throwing up in your car while fumbling around for keys you luckily dropped three blocks away.

 

3. Peeing on your glasses because you didn't realize they slipped off your face and landed in the urenal.

 

4. Passing out on in your neighbor's hammock and waking up with a "dirty diaper"

 

I can assure you he knows exactly what happened between them. But as long as you buy the blackout story, he's in the clear.

[LifesontheUp]

 

-I cannot divorce. I know that is sad because if it wasn't for his child I would be out of here. She is 16 so I don't have a whole lot longe but I am still afraid of losing her at some point. It sucks just being the step mom that loves her like my own. I raised her.

 

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. If you are staying with him because of your 16yr old step daughter then that really is silly. 16yrs is old enough for your step daughter to make her own decision on whether to see you or not.

 

Now, what are you going to do about your lieing/cheating husband?

[goodyblue]

Sweet 8 pound, six ounce baby jesus. My eyes are bleeding just from reading this thread!!

 

Listen, I was OW and involved in an affair for about a year. I will tell you what i know.

 

- We had not one, but two secret phones that were untraceable.

 

- We had secret email accounts used only for us.

 

- We spoke while he was pretty much anywhere away from home.

 

- We took secret trips often. Saw one another all the time. Nobody ever knew.

 

So my point, my dear, is that if someone wants to keep a secret and has an IQ above 80, they will.

 

My last point to you is that my guy planned to leave his wife. And did. When i look back on how sneaky we were i am astounded on how phcked up it was. But we did it because we felt love justified it. Again...he LEFT HIS EX FOR ME. and his ex was blindsided. So, if you want to lose your marriage, turn off all the lights and live in the dark.

 

As a quick aside, my guy is the sweetest, unflirtiest, just... friendly guy ever. Sound familiar?

[cocorico]

 

I honestly believe she is the problem and if she went away there would be no others.

 

...until the next one.

 

I'm amazed at how much power you ascribe to this woman. She lured him away from his vows. She controls his actions. He is powerless to tell her he's not interested. He is unable to convey to her that he's not interested. He is sweet, innocent, naive - a puppet whose strings are pulled by this omnipotent woman.

 

I'm just glad that my fMM *chose* to have an A with me, *chose* to love me, *chose* to have sex with me, and *chose* to be with me full-time forever, of his own volition. All that hoo-doo spell casting and magick must be awfully time consuming and tiring! I'm also surprised she hasn't turned her power to other more productive issues like world peace, ending famine, and winning the lottery. She has a rare gift, she deserves at least her own TV show, surely?

[merrmeade]

...until the next one.

 

I'm amazed at how much power you ascribe to this woman. ... I'm also surprised she hasn't turned her power to other more productive issues like world peace, ending famine, and winning the lottery. She has a rare gift, she deserves at least her own TV show, surely?

hilarious :D:laugh:

[Tootiredtofight]

I went to Chico State University. Trust me, I practically got my PhD in Blackout Drinking.

 

Things you can do when you are blackout drunk include:

 

1. Stumbling around the street while your friends try to corral you.

 

2. Throwing up in your car while fumbling around for keys you luckily dropped three blocks away.

 

3. Peeing on your glasses because you didn't realize they slipped off your face and landed in the urenal.

 

4. Passing out on in your neighbor's hammock and waking up with a "dirty diaper"

 

I can assure you he knows exactly what happened between them. But as long as you buy the blackout story, he's in the clear.

 

People on the internet can claim all sorts of credentials. I could say I was a brain surgeon or a highly succesful model. Doesn't make it true. Itis very highly possible my husband's story is true. He could have got black out (not pass out) drunk and ended up in bed with her. Woke up a few hours later with no mempry of how he got there or if anything happened. Her story really doesn't contradict his. Except she says sex DID happen. She admited he was gone when she woke up. She says she felt cheap and used and then took a while to get the courage to confess to her husband. He says she tried to start something between them and he told her it wasn't happening. So in anger she nuked everything. I realize it is a he said she said thing. Even drunk he should not have got in that bed. But it is different than if he did so sober.

[Tootiredtofight]

Sweet 8 pound, six ounce baby jesus. My eyes are bleeding just from reading this thread!!

 

Listen, I was OW and involved in an affair for about a year. I will tell you what i know.

 

- We had not one, but two secret phones that were untraceable.

 

- We had secret email accounts used only for us.

 

- We spoke while he was pretty much anywhere away from home.

 

- We took secret trips often. Saw one another all the time. Nobody ever knew.

 

So my point, my dear, is that if someone wants to keep a secret and has an IQ above 80, they will.

 

My last point to you is that my guy planned to leave his wife. And did. When i look back on how sneaky we were i am astounded on how phcked up it was. But we did it because we felt love justified it. Again...he LEFT HIS EX FOR ME. and his ex was blindsided. So, if you want to lose your marriage, turn off all the lights and live in the dark.

 

As a quick aside, my guy is the sweetest, unflirtiest, just... friendly guy ever. Sound familiar?

 

You are right and your post seems really honest. Thank you for sharing. I am not worried he will leave me for her. The first blow up would have been in his chance. But maybe it was more involved than I thought recently. I check everything daily and manage all the money so unless he is making money on the side? His paychecks are direct depositied into our account. I check it everyday and the phone bill. I'll start looking for another phone now and maybe put some spyware on his phone.

[Tootiredtofight]

I'm sorry you are going through this. If you are staying with him because of your 16yr old step daughter then that really is silly. 16yrs is old enough for your step daughter to make her own decision on whether to see you or not.

 

Now, what are you going to do about your lieing/cheating husband?

 

Don't judge me on this if you have no idea. Her dad is her hero an she knows all about this and still is on his side. If I leave, i will loose her.

[JohnMcClaine]

People on the internet can claim all sorts of credentials. I could say I was a brain surgeon or a highly succesful model. Doesn't make it true. Itis very highly possible my husband's story is true. He could have got black out (not pass out) drunk and ended up in bed with her. Woke up a few hours later with no mempry of how he got there or if anything happened. Her story really doesn't contradict his. Except she says sex DID happen. She admited he was gone when she woke up. She says she felt cheap and used and then took a while to get the courage to confess to her husband. He says she tried to start something between them and he told her it wasn't happening. So in anger she nuked everything. I realize it is a he said she said thing. Even drunk he should not have got in that bed. But it is different than if he did so sober.

 

It's ridiculous how deep in denial you are.

[Tinroof53]

Invite her over, sit her down and tell her together that no more contact is to take place between them.

 

If your H doesn't agree to do it then he's been encouraging her to communicate without your knowledge.

 

Ask him to invite her to meet.

[stillafool]

Don't judge me on this if you have no idea. Her dad is her hero an she knows all about this and still is on his side. If I leave, i will loose her.

 

What do you mean she is on his side? Have you told her about this? If your stepdaughter will stop loving you if you left she never really loved you in the first place.

[Mount]

That is the kind of life you want to live going forward, the stress, resentment, sickness due to anxiety/stress will come to you. Your marriage will not last long, who would want to live with a wife like that, no wonder he has mistress, maybe more to come.

 

If you want to do a correction in life, you have correct at root cause.

 

You are right and your post seems really honest. Thank you for sharing. I am not worried he will leave me for her. The first blow up would have been in his chance. But maybe it was more involved than I thought recently. I check everything daily and manage all the money so unless he is making money on the side? His paychecks are direct depositied into our account. I check it everyday and the phone bill. I'll start looking for another phone now and maybe put some spyware on his phone.

[LifesontheUp]

Don't judge me on this if you have no idea. Her dad is her hero an she knows all about this and still is on his side. If I leave, i will loose her.

 

She didn't love you in the first place then.

[elaine567]

Don't judge me on this if you have no idea. Her dad is her hero an she knows all about this and still is on his side. If I leave, i will loose her.

 

So you have a husband who has another woman and a step daughter who has taken his side, despite knowing about the other woman.

Wake up!

Someone up there is trying to tell you something here, and you have your fingers in your ears going Lalalala.