badkarma2013 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 really... You walk in and see your best friend having sex and you laugh and close the door....walk in and see your best friend fu^%ing your wife...and your telling me its the same after all sex is just sex.. If that line of thinking wasnt so sad if would be hysterical... really you think its the same...wow i am laughing now... Naivety abounds... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 really you think its the same...wow i am laughing now... Naivety abounds... Sorry Brother, Either you aren't hearing what I'm saying, or you won't hear what I'm saying. Marriage and friendship are not the same. But they are both relationships, and can be repaired when damaged. It sounds like for you, sex is the definitive limit for repair. For me, it may not be. Never said I'd walk out and laugh, or that it isn't important. I'm obviously here BECAUSE it's very important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) Sorry Brother, Either you aren't hearing what I'm saying, or you won't hear what I'm saying. Marriage and friendship are not the same. But they are both relationships, and can be repaired when damaged. It sounds like for you, sex is the definitive limit for repair. For me, it may not be. Never said I'd walk out and laugh, or that it isn't important. I'm obviously here BECAUSE it's very important. My apologies .....I think you hit it ..it is a dealbreaker for me...however to equate my ww having sex with om or me ..and try to elude that is on the same plane ...is indeed foolish to me...forgive me if i seemed harsh.. Again...some damage Cannot be repaired and some Hurts cannot be forgiven.....All of us have a dealbreaker...maybe you have not reached yours yet..No offence intended Edited October 30, 2014 by badkarma2013 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 For some people sex is sex - casual or marriage. No problems or judgements there - unless you are with someone who believes different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 For some people sex is sex - casual or marriage. No problems or judgements there - unless you are with someone who believes different. Agreed. And i certainlyy out myself in the group of people who believe it is very important and not "casual" at all. I just dont think there is any REAL difference between what happens during an affair vs for example what our partners did in relationships they had before we met them. Somehow THOSE past sexual relationships dont invade our psyche they way affair sex does. I get that we compare oursleves to the affair partner because s/he came after us (no pun intended) but the reality of it in most cases is they just another partner on a list of prior partners. So its a big deal, but if you met your spouse TODAY what she did with him physically would have zero meaning. So why give that aspect of it so much meaning now? See what im saying? Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Agreed. And i certainlyy out myself in the group of people who believe it is very important and not "casual" at all. I just dont think there is any REAL difference between what happens during an affair vs for example what our partners did in relationships they had before we met them. Somehow THOSE past sexual relationships dont invade our psyche they way affair sex does. I get that we compare oursleves to the affair partner because s/he came after us (no pun intended) but the reality of it in most cases is they just another partner on a list of prior partners. So its a big deal, but if you met your spouse TODAY what she did with him physically would have zero meaning. So why give that aspect of it so much meaning now? See what im saying? Yes. But. Those previous relationships were not concurrent with our relationship. It is an intimate betrayal when monogamy is expected. In my opinion, that is what makes it different from sex prior to my marriage with other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yes. But. Those previous relationships were not concurrent with our relationship. It is an intimate betrayal when monogamy is expected. In my opinion, that is what makes it different from sex prior to my marriage with other people. Intimate betrayal is putting it kindly. Its the most effed up thing you can do to your spouse. No question there. I guess mg point was only that i think we give the act of sex more power and credit that its actually due, when its done outside of the bonds of our vows. The betrayal is important. But we lose sleep over the sex in a way we never would over any other former boyfriend. Just pointing it out. Im no different and lost years of good sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Intimate betrayal is putting it kindly. Its the most effed up thing you can do to your spouse. No question there. I guess mg point was only that i think we give the act of sex more power and credit that its actually due, when its done outside of the bonds of our vows. The betrayal is important. But we lose sleep over the sex in a way we never would over any other former boyfriend. Just pointing it out. Im no different and lost years of good sleep. And when you say "we" you mean "I". Your know we are all different and sex with only your committed partner is sacred to me. If you are not ready to be true to one person then don't get married. The sex is a big part of the betrayal for everyone. For me it is by far the most offensive thing about her betrayal. Prior boyfriends? I couldn't care less. It means not a thing to me. But I will never forgive her cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Intimate betrayal is putting it kindly. Its the most effed up thing you can do to your spouse. No question there. I guess mg point was only that i think we give the act of sex more power and credit that its actually due, when its done outside of the bonds of our vows. The betrayal is important. But we lose sleep over the sex in a way we never would over any other former boyfriend. Just pointing it out. Im no different and lost years of good sleep. Sex is the betrayal. Lies....betrayals as well. Manipulation....betrayal. Talking about you behind your back...betrayal. Each and every act is a betrayal unto itself. Generally...people can feel them as a whole. Or just as often...individually. I get it....you as a BS are trying to process it...weave into your tapestry of you...trying to make it fit into who/what you believe about yourself...not to mention your view of your spouse. This is where the hard part is. How does one do that? Which road leads to Rome? How much of self can the BS suspend to maintain a relationship with their wayward? How much should they? What does the WS need to do? And what if they are unwilling? From my experience it is the exception to have a WS who is able to expand and grow afterwards. It isn't easy to turn our focus on ourselves. And to hold ourselves accountable to OURSELVES. Most waywards have poor coping skills...firmly entrenched...and refuse to be their own advocate. BS are left with shouldering the uneven burden in the aftermath. Soothing their own broken pieces and having a WS looking to them for answers or a soft shoulder. It is a difficult road for those who have unhealthy coping mechanisms to rewire. Most people would rather wallow in....I am not strong enough...tomorrow I will...you don't understand. This is why there are so many divorces years after Dday. The WS looks less and less appealing each year. Most BS end up...just done...done with R...done with the WS...done trying to fix the bottomless pit. You can't undone a done bun. FYI...it is also why many BS have a more peaceful life afterwards...they actually were working/processing/weaving the trauma for all those years. Now...no one is unravelling their work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) Agreed. And i certainlyy out myself in the group of people who believe it is very important and not "casual" at all. I just dont think there is any REAL difference between what happens during an affair vs for example what our partners did in relationships they had before we met them. Somehow THOSE past sexual relationships dont invade our psyche they way affair sex does. I get that we compare oursleves to the affair partner because s/he came after us (no pun intended) but the reality of it in most cases is they just another partner on a list of prior partners. So its a big deal, but if you met your spouse TODAY what she did with him physically would have zero meaning. So why give that aspect of it so much meaning now? See what im saying? Kind of...but Its complicated for many marriages/affairs. It was in mine, a thread that kept unraveling from OM EA to OM PA, to other MM and casual partners before me. In an attempt to track down the OM EA - I found OM PA, and all the other stuff from 4 years of unacceptable behavior, two of her ex's before were MM - that does matter to me. The past can matter. With some BH's the sex is a big issue. Often in affairs the sexual behavior of the WW is far beyond what they give to their BH. In other words, the OM got (and possible gave) better sex with WW. The gave part bother some of us the most. Its gets very emotional to some of us. I wont speak for all you and other BH's. I only hoped I married a woman who had deep passion for me sexually and want to make our sex life special. Its not. Edited November 1, 2014 by dichotomy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I think that's one of the hard parts for many - we had something we considered special before, post infidelity, it really isn't that special anymore. On the contrary. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 It was three, very volatile years years before peace came to me. It was probably two more to process this chapter in my life. I was a good partner, devoted wife and mother. We had lots of sex, always had, even during his affair. So it took six years to come full circle to my initial blink after DDAY: This really had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our marriage. this was about two insecure people flattering each other with how wonderful and misunderstood they were. It IS SO easy to blame a spouse for one's unhappiness. Today I feel sorry for them and anyone else who believes an affair will miraculously transform their lives. hell, if the APs truly believed it, affairs wouldn't be conducted in secret riddled with excuses, now would they? But I did raise the bar after the affair for this relationship and in doing so, raised the bar for my expectations of him and of myself too. as long as I feel efforts are being made, I'm happy. When I feel they are not, I voice it, kindly and calmly. he is quick to defensiveness, so I let it go. But today I know I have been heard. I attest that I love him and I'm still here with the understanding that I do not HAVE to....I choose to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts