Betrayal, and the Statute of Limitations.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I relate very much to OP, feels exactly the same here 3½ years after.

 

I've chosen to stay to try and make the family unit work. This isn't an infinite decision. I know that she probably is in it still for the kids, so it's likely that we'll some day.

 

Our relationship isn't the same anymore, not even close. Is it any different than other marriages? Could I be happier in a new relationship? Maybe - who can tell. I have proved myself to have unrealistic expectations before. I imagined our marriage would be forever, and that we would walk hand in hand towards the sunset, 124 years old. Would it be any different if I find myself another woman to share my life with? Who knows, maybe, and maybe not, fifty/fifty it seems.

 

I guess you can say I have settled for what is, but I try each day to make the best of it. I sometimes wonder if the overall sadness about what once was is supposed to vanish some day. I'm not sure - maybe I was just naive and set the bar too high for us back then. Maybe I got it all wrong, maybe marriages are supposed to be like this - maybe, who knows, infidelity is just part of the package, and if you stear free of it, you miss out on something

 

Anyway OP, you're not alone. Live your life step by step, decide from day to day what you want to do today. If you need to quit one day, just do so, don't feel bad about it - you don't need anyone's permission, and your wife set the stage.

 

Take care.

 

Thank you. You know, I try to remind myself that in the 18 years we've been together, there were a lot of good time before, during, and after the infidelity. And until I knew what had happened, I bragged about how pretty she was, how smart, how successful, how much fun we had together as a family etc. I was proud of us. But in that 18 years, she twice felt depressed, and weak, and got caught up in what turned into affairs. Of course this is a massive betrayal etc.

 

But it doesn't erase the reality that there WAS a lot of good going on with us.

 

Hell, I've been to some really wild bachelor parties in my time, and have had every opportunity to hook up with other women. Had i done that once...maybe twice, would that TRULY negate all the good times I've shared with my family before then? It would make me an a-hole for sure... But would she throw away a life built together because I was a lying a-hole in Cabo for a weekend?

 

I'd deserve it, sure.... but... I dunno. it's just SUCH a part of life for SO many people. ( most who don't even know it still ) that I really can't see giving it as much power as we often do.

 

I think I'm done with this site. Thank you to the folks who have really tried to help and understand. But I'm seeing that the place is really filled with a lot of bitter folks who only want to jump in to harshly critique someone's whole life based on a few posts.

 

It like anyone is going to come here for support and say " Oh...Divorce her cheating ass? Hmmm... I never thought of that! What sage advice!"

 

Believe me...after 5 years of working on it, divorce has crossed my mind a time or two. But seeing it thrown around on here as a cure-all has already become tiresome.

 

There are a lot of divorce forums out there that are proof that it is no cure-all.

Edited October 24, 2014 by TrustedthenBusted

[badkarma2013]

Also, I don't think divorce automatically equates to taking control of your life . I think making your needs explicit, and understanding your partners needs is also a form of taking control. And I'm waiting on my partner to get to this point as well. I think she needs to get over some of the shame so that our conversations on topic can be more fruitful.

 

 

****MY WIFES NEEDS ...after D_DAY..I could give a S&^T about....she betrayed ,lied and deceived me ...to have a PA while married is the ULTIMATE BETRAYL ...It destroys families and the BSs SOUL...If anyone thinks i was going to spend the remainder of my life in endless Hell of constant TRIGGERS,DOUBT and the never wondering why... They Pegged me wrong..

 

When the tables were turned and i outed him to his BW and cost him everything in his divorce and had them both fired..Now the im sorrys start pls forgive me i was confused....I WASNT

 

I forgave her and filed for D within 60 days....I would not live with a LIAR and someone who thought so little of 22 years together

 

Do Not Confuse Forgiveness With Reconcilition...They Are Not The Same Thing!!!

 

Badkarma Indeed!

Edited October 24, 2014 by badkarma2013

[TrustedthenBusted]

****MY WIFES NEEDS ...after D_DAY..I could give a S&^T about....she betrayed ,lied and deceived me ...to have a PA while married is the ULTIMATE BETRAYL

 

 

Well, another way to look at it would be to understand which of her needs were going unmet so badly that she chose such a stupid remedy. This doesn't mean accepting BLAME for them, only understanding what they were.

 

I worked to do this, and by doing so, also helped my wife to understand ( and ultimately admit) that she was a bottomless pit of needs that no person could fulfill. Then her IC turned to fixing that problem.

 

As for taking control, here are a bunch of people who "took control" of their lives. Doesn't seem like much of a party I'd like to go to, anymore than the one I'm already at.

 

Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

[badkarma2013]

Well, another way to look at it would be to understand which of her needs were going unmet so badly that she chose such a stupid remedy. This doesn't mean accepting BLAME for them, only understanding what they were.

 

I worked to do this, and by doing so, also helped my wife to understand ( and ultimately admit) that she was a bottomless pit of needs that no person could fulfill. Then her IC turned to fixing that problem.

 

As for taking control, here are a bunch of people who "took control" of their lives. Doesn't seem like much of a party I'd like to go to, anymore than the one I'm already at.

 

Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

 

I respect your opinion and all others here who agree or disagree with me...With that being said...I DONT CARE WHAT HER UNMET NEEDS WERE...She didnt have the balls to come to me first and tell me we had a problem or even say .".IM attracted to someone else...we need to fix this...

 

She just went on a FU%^fest and destroyed 2 families and then AFTER being caught ..AND ONLY ThEN wanted forgiveness and understanding..

 

Your choice of words is spot on , both WWS made a CHOICE not a MISTAKE...went past hundreds of red flags before the SEX happened...

 

And continued to lie and deceive until caught...

 

I forgave her for ME not for her...Then I filed for d...

 

i found another who had been wounded as well and my life is sooo much happier than if i had stayed and Triggered and consumed Myself with self doubt with a liar and a deceiver...

 

she does not exist to me .....

[katielee]

Well, another way to look at it would be to understand which of her needs were going unmet so badly that she chose such a stupid remedy.

Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

Unmet needs have nothing to do with chosing to have an affair.

An affair is a symptom if a broken person, not a broken marriage.

[No Limit]

If you have unmet needs, you go to your partner and talk to him. You don't get a second phone to talk to your lover. Cheaters just don't care, doesn't matter whether it was just "in the moment" or all the time (many still don't know the difference between being comfortable and being in love before putting on their wedding ring).

[Spectre]

Yep, cheating is never a mistake it is a choice. A stupid and selfish one, but a choice nonetheless. If you can "mistakenly" f*ck another person you are not wife or girlfriend material, you are just someone to be pumped and dumped. I loathe that phrase, but it is true.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like infidelity shatters your view that love and marriage are forever- I think it makes divorce seem like an option when previously it was not- I know for me, before I found out about my husbands A I would have said that vows are forever, no matter what- then I learned differently, unfortunately the one I love the most taught me that lesson-

 

I am still in R and its going well 2 years in, but I do admit that in general, I do not view marriage the way I did before- its sad and it hurts but its true-

[TrustedthenBusted]

Unmet needs have nothing to do with chosing to have an affair.

An affair is a symptom if a broken person, not a broken marriage.

 

While I don't disagree that it takes a broken person to live broken vows, I think that we, as BSs need to acknowledge that there was SOME unmet need that drive the WS behavior.

 

I'm telling you right now, that if I had an affair, it would be driven by some very clear unmet needs. Sure, still my choice, but undoubtedly driven by my desire to get elsewhere what I can't ( and should ) at home.

 

I'm not saying it's an excuse...only a factor that cansometimes be ( and has often been ) ignored at our own peril.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I feel like infidelity shatters your view that love and marriage are forever- I think it makes divorce seem like an option when previously it was not- I know for me, before I found out about my husbands A I would have said that vows are forever, no matter what- then I learned differently, unfortunately the one I love the most taught me that lesson-

 

I am still in R and its going well 2 years in, but I do admit that in general, I do not view marriage the way I did before- its sad and it hurts but its true-

 

Yep. I was so far deep into the whole marriage/commitment thing that I actually used to judge my divorced friends pretty harshly. I felt like they were quitters, and selfish yadda yadda...

 

Man, what a wake up call.

[Bittersweetie]

I feel like infidelity shatters your view that love and marriage are forever- I think it makes divorce seem like an option when previously it was not- I know for me, before I found out about my husbands A I would have said that vows are forever, no matter what- then I learned differently, unfortunately the one I love the most taught me that lesson-

 

I am still in R and its going well 2 years in, but I do admit that in general, I do not view marriage the way I did before- its sad and it hurts but its true-

 

I would agree. I know my H does not view our marriage in the same way, understandably. Before my A, he thought we would stay together and that divorce would never be an option. Now, after our discussion, we both know that if things are not working out, that breaking up could happen.

 

But in a way, I think having that option has made us stronger...we now choose to be together every day rather than just stay married. It's like, now we know that we could break up and be okay...but neither of us wants to be alone or with someone else. We want to be with each other. Does that make sense? It's like we don't take each other for granted, which I think can happen often in long term relationships.

 

I do wish I could've come to this place without having an A and devastating my H and me and us though.

[katielee]

 

I'm telling you right now, that if I had an affair, it would be driven by some very clear unmet needs. Sure, still my choice, but undoubtedly driven by my desire to get elsewhere what I can't ( and should ) at home.

 

I'm not saying it's an excuse...only a factor that cansometimes be ( and has often been ) ignored at our own peril.

 

 

so you would betray yourself to get your needs met? What about leaving the marriage first?

[drifter777]

While I don't disagree that it takes a broken person to live broken vows, I think that we, as BSs need to acknowledge that there was SOME unmet need that drive the WS behavior.

Unless you consider that wanting to have sex with another person an unmet need, there's no way I agree that this is the case for most cheaters. I think we are giving way too much credit to a WS if we believe this. I think they cheat because its fun, exciting, and it feels good. The cheater never thinks they will be exposed so they become confident cake-eaters. If they are exposed they hit the excuse button and the old "you weren't meeting all of my needs" card gets played. A load of crap.

 

Of course there are cases that would support the "unmet needs" thing, but I just don't believe this is the typical case.

[jnel921]

T&B it's been 5 years. I think you both have an opportunity to work on improving your M. You know you are past her A, but she doesn't feel that perhaps because of your actions.

 

You may think that over these years you both were on the path to happiness and instead held on to each other without doing all of the relevant work to improve your relationship.

 

You should talk to your W. You may be surprised to hear that she is not happy either but wants to make it work. She is not out there having another A, but she should focus as should you on improving the M.

 

Good Luck.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I understand that had she not cheated, I'd probably NEVER consider divorce the way I sometimes do, but still - it's not like I'd be leaving over residual anger or anything. I'd truly be leaving because we just aren't as happy together as I think two people should be.

I feel for you, bro.

 

Your experience and feelings is exactly why my default position in these situations is for the parties to go their separate ways.

 

In the end, on balance, reconciliation just isn't worth the added energy, pain, effort, etc. You can be happy with someone else without enduring all that work. It's the efficient thing to do.

[badkarma2013]

i feel for you, bro.

 

Your experience and feelings is exactly why my default position in these situations is for the parties to go their separate ways.

 

In the end, on balance, reconciliation just isn't worth the added energy, pain, effort, etc. You can be happy with someone else without enduring all that work. It's the efficient thing to do.

 

 

 

 

some damage cannot be repaired and some lies and acts of betrayal can never be forgotten.....badkarma 2014

[TrustedthenBusted]

so you would betray yourself to get your needs met? What about leaving the marriage first?

 

I'm not suggesting that I'm going to cheat, just saying that if I did, I could point to some very clear needs that are going unmet.

 

IF i had a PA, I feel certain that my wife would look in the mirror, and understand why I did it, and what I was getting out of it.

 

And as for the "leaving the marriage" first thing... I only wish that's how it worked, but it never does.

 

My WW says that she'd never cheat again, and would just leave before she ever cheated again, but here's the problem with that.

 

Nobody in the history of forever has ever been drunk at a Sales conference and about to get busy with their colleague, and then stopped to call home to divorce their spouse first.

 

They cheat, and then they come home, and then they either feel regret, or they don't. Then they decide what all cheaters decide. They don't want one over the other...they want both.

[TrustedthenBusted]

some damage cannot be repaired and some lies and acts of betrayal can never be forgotten.....badkarma 2014

 

 

When I was a younger man, by best friend betrayed me pretty hard. Fists were thrown, and we both said a lot of things that HE was going to regret. lol.

 

But we're best friends again.

 

I know it's not the same....or is it? A marriage is just another relationship at the end of the day.

[drifter777]

When I was a younger man, by best friend betrayed me pretty hard. Fists were thrown, and we both said a lot of things that HE was going to regret. lol.

 

But we're best friends again.

 

I know it's not the same....or is it? A marriage is just another relationship at the end of the day.

No, its not the same. It's not even close. Do you sleep with your friend? Has he had your children? Did he take a vow to never betray you?

[Spark1111]

You are breaking my heart T and B!

 

Six years post infidelity and we are....really really happy with each other.

 

There are two issues in ANY reconciliation: Issues related to the affair and issues related to the marriage.

 

That's it. Do not confuse the two; it's unhealthy.

 

And NEVER confuse the dynamics of an affair with the dynamics of a long-term, intimate relationship. That is just setting yourself up for heartache, misery, insecurity and failure......especially if you want more sex and Every time she says no....you go back to that hot bunny sex of her affair with a ......stranger!

 

YOU would be NO DIFFERENT with a NEW, attracted partner. It's called LIMERANCE...and your new squeeze could be a serial killer, but you will not realize that for about two years.

 

want to make it better? Address the affair and do not allow her to feel shame. Shamed spouses make terrible partners.

 

Want more intimacy? make her feel safe and sexual. Does that mean your constant reassurance and approval? Maybe. take her away and romance her? do it. Listen to her and make her feel special, cherished and respected? Do it.

 

cheaters often lack self-confidence, communication skills, and avoid conflict. They cheat when they meet someone who overcomes all that baggage with validation, attention, flattery and MAKES no demands on them.

 

Be that man. Put your ego aside and save your marriage if that is what you want.

 

If you can't.....leave.

 

I think you love her. Do the heavy lifting.

[Hope Shimmers]

Unmet needs have nothing to do with chosing to have an affair.

An affair is a symptom of a broken person, not a broken marriage.

 

That's fantasy, not reality. People in unhappy marriages that they can't fix choose have affairs. People who are in sexless marriages have affairs. Plenty of people here posting over the years to prove that. Right or wrong.

 

Maybe that's the way it should be, but it isn't reality.

[katielee]

Hope shimmers- I was the broken one, I can attest to that. I didn't allow him to meet my needs. He would have if I had actually known them or spoke them to him he would have done something...

Yep all on me.

[gettingstronger]

Katielee- I agree with you- I am unsure why FOW, and current OW are convinced they know more about the whys than therapists and remorseful WS- you know, the ones that have studied it or lived it-

 

If your marriage is broken, fix it or get out-those are the two healthy options-cheating is a cop out-

 

That's a huge stumbling block in R- oh, how I wish I could say it was our marriage that was the problem- that's so much easier to fix than my very broken, regretful but fully responsible for his own Sh&t husband-

[TrustedthenBusted]

You are breaking my heart T and B!

 

Six years post infidelity and we are....really really happy with each other.

 

There are two issues in ANY reconciliation: Issues related to the affair and issues related to the marriage.

 

That's it. Do not confuse the two; it's unhealthy.

 

And NEVER confuse the dynamics of an affair with the dynamics of a long-term, intimate relationship. That is just setting yourself up for heartache, misery, insecurity and failure......especially if you want more sex and Every time she says no....you go back to that hot bunny sex of her affair with a ......stranger!

 

YOU would be NO DIFFERENT with a NEW, attracted partner. It's called LIMERANCE...and your new squeeze could be a serial killer, but you will not realize that for about two years.

 

want to make it better? Address the affair and do not allow her to feel shame. Shamed spouses make terrible partners.

 

Want more intimacy? make her feel safe and sexual. Does that mean your constant reassurance and approval? Maybe. take her away and romance her? do it. Listen to her and make her feel special, cherished and respected? Do it.

 

cheaters often lack self-confidence, communication skills, and avoid conflict. They cheat when they meet someone who overcomes all that baggage with validation, attention, flattery and MAKES no demands on them.

 

Be that man. Put your ego aside and save your marriage if that is what you want.

 

If you can't.....leave.

 

I think you love her. Do the heavy lifting.

 

 

Thank you. And I'm happy for you. Really. Nice to see some good news on this site.

 

I heard every word you said. I typed a bunch of stuff here, but then deleted it.

 

the most important thing is that I heard you. Thanks again.

[Hope Shimmers]

Katielee- I agree with you- I am unsure why FOW, and current OW are convinced they know more about the whys than therapists and remorseful WS- you know, the ones that have studied it or lived it-

 

I don't consider myself a FOW or current OW. I also don't think I know more about any 'why's' than anyone else. I was responding to one post only, that said, "Unmet needs have nothing to do with chosing to have an affair.

An affair is a symptom of a broken person, not a broken marriage."

 

I think it's false to state that people don't choose to have affairs based on unmet needs. People do that every day, right or wrong. That was my point and only that.