Betrayal, and the Statute of Limitations.

[dichotomy]

That's fantasy, not reality. People in unhappy marriages that they can't fix choose have affairs. People who are in sexless marriages have affairs. Plenty of people here posting over the years to prove that. Right or wrong.

 

Maybe that's the way it should be, but it isn't reality.

 

 

And I would add - getting out/ending the marriage is not always a happy alternative. Divorce can be so painful, breaking up of families, financial losses, loss of home/downgrades in lifestyle, and if their are kids involved you don't get a clean break - your tied to your former cheating spouse who may be more hurtful then ever - and use the kids as a way to get at you for a decade or more, not seeing your kids regularly, maybe other men with your ex and the kids, all the while taking your money each month

 

Staying and working on it - and/or staying and simply accepting the loss, are not exactly pleasant either, but if it can work - even a little - its not the worst thing.

 

I sometimes think it comes down to least worse choice.

 

I chose to stay and work on it - from the affair and then to a low quantity/quality sex life ...and some times no sex phases as well. It was the least worst choice. But cheating has occurred to me many a time as a way to cope....to get significant unmet needs.. but I never did it..but gosh would I love to have the woman my wife was for a while... particularly the way she was for others. I have seen glimpses now and then over the years.

Edited October 29, 2014 by dichotomy

[gettingstronger]

I think it's false to state that people don't choose to have affairs based on unmet needs. People do that every day, right or wrong. That was my point and only that.

 

 

Broken people chose that path. Others faced with the same issues deal with it in other ways like divorce, counseling or sadly some just suck it up. Broken people cheat, period. Healthy people find other ways to deal with unmet needs. Unmet needs happen, dealing with it by cheating is all on the cheater.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Needs is so subjective.

 

I don't know how many times I have read of a WS that has a great spouse/co-parent/income provider/chore helper at home and still decided to cheat.

 

A wife's complaint of her husbands long hours at work...only to find out he is the sole income provider. Did she choose to lessen his hours at work by working herself? Heck no, she got some extra on the side. Here her husband is doing what makes him feel like a man....providing....and his wife cuckholds him for it.

 

Affairs are one of the worst possible ways to address internal issues or ones perceived unmet needs. They are unhealthy for all parties.

 

Me, me, me, and me..a world of me. Do most of those "unmet needs" me...ever actually do anything proactive to meet those "unmet me needs". A resounding NO. The usual path is crossing boundaries and getting the rush from some co-worker. Adding another person to the self-dysfunction.

 

Are there WS that worked to address issues. .. Absolutely. Have met a few here. Their only misstep was not ending the marriage first. They hung on too long. Became vulnerable. And sold a piece of themselves. They are the ones that have a difficult time loving self again. It is heart wrenching to hear them in the aftermath. Usually, it is a longer road back to self....because an affair is so far removed of who they believed themselves to be. A lot to reconcile internally.

 

Whether or not there is a perceived unmet need or not. Most...do not like to wear the hat of WS and all that it means. Ones view of themselves as being "good" is gone. That is why they hide it.

 

Once an affair is brought to light it creates way more internal issues than just unmet needs. It attacks the core of who we believe we are.

 

Having said that, there are folks who have no internal issues regarding being a WS. Hopefully, those BS married to them....drive their WS over to the APs home and drop them off.

[Mr. Lucky]

but gosh would I love to have the woman my wife was for a while... particularly the way she was for others.

Gut wrenching statement, actually made me hurt to read it.

 

Hope you find peace and balance in your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

want to make it better? Address the affair and do not allow her to feel shame. Shamed spouses make terrible partners.

 

Want more intimacy? make her feel safe and sexual. Does that mean your constant reassurance and approval? Maybe. take her away and romance her? do it. Listen to her and make her feel special, cherished and respected? Do it.

 

cheaters often lack self-confidence, communication skills, and avoid conflict. They cheat when they meet someone who overcomes all that baggage with validation, attention, flattery and MAKES no demands on them.

That's a remarkable summary of the basics.

[drifter777]

And NEVER confuse the dynamics of an affair with the dynamics of a long-term, intimate relationship. That is just setting yourself up for heartache, misery, insecurity and failure......especially if you want more sex and Every time she says no....you go back to that hot bunny sex of her affair with a ......stranger!

I threw up in my mouth when i read this...

[AlwaysGrowing]

You are breaking my heart T and B!

 

Six years post infidelity and we are....really really happy with each other.

 

There are two issues in ANY reconciliation: Issues related to the affair and issues related to the marriage.

 

That's it. Do not confuse the two; it's unhealthy.

 

And NEVER confuse the dynamics of an affair with the dynamics of a long-term, intimate relationship. That is just setting yourself up for heartache, misery, insecurity and failure......especially if you want more sex and Every time she says no....you go back to that hot bunny sex of her affair with a ......stranger!

 

YOU would be NO DIFFERENT with a NEW, attracted partner. It's called LIMERANCE...and your new squeeze could be a serial killer, but you will not realize that for about two years.

 

want to make it better? Address the affair and do not allow her to feel shame. Shamed spouses make terrible partners.

 

Want more intimacy? make her feel safe and sexual. Does that mean your constant reassurance and approval? Maybe. take her away and romance her? do it. Listen to her and make her feel special, cherished and respected? Do it.

 

cheaters often lack self-confidence, communication skills, and avoid conflict. They cheat when they meet someone who overcomes all that baggage with validation, attention, flattery and MAKES no demands on them.

 

Be that man. Put your ego aside and save your marriage if that is what you want.

 

If you can't.....leave.

 

I think you love her. Do the heavy lifting.

 

While I agree that a BS has to work for R to happen. I don't agree all the heavy lifting should be done by the BS.

 

I fail to see how becoming a motivational speaker for your WS through flattery and making no demands of them addresses any issues internally for the WS.

 

Personally, I would be offended if my spouse refused to meet my sexual needs but expected me to be understanding of theirs. Especially in the aftermath of an affair. there are plenty of ways to address sexual needs that don't involve intercourse.

 

Why are BS expected to become affair specialist, therapists, lock keeper. Why are they not allowed to have an adult relationship based on feeling loved and being loving.

 

I am not interested in my SO being my project. I want someone who can add to the journey, not someone I have to drag along with me.

 

I believe the poster said he is five years in. If after five years his wife has not addressed communication, validation, conflict, self respect...etc. What would make one believe she ever will?

[HermioneG]

I don't consider myself a FOW or current OW. I also don't think I know more about any 'why's' than anyone else. I was responding to one post only, that said, "Unmet needs have nothing to do with chosing to have an affair.

An affair is a symptom of a broken person, not a broken marriage."

 

I think it's false to state that people don't choose to have affairs based on unmet needs. People do that every day, right or wrong. That was my point and only that.

 

The thing is? The experts who study this- with the exception of Willard Harley- who believes in whackadoodle things like reparative therapy for homosexuality as well- say over and over again- broken people, not marriages, cheat.

 

I am not sure why this point bothers you, or you feel it needs to be argued with. Infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one. In the vast majority of cases. And even in the cases where infidelity is an attempt at "punishing" what is perceived by the cheater as a bad spouse- I still that is a spectacular fail of reasoning. Lowering your character to "teach" a lesson? Fail.

[beatcuff]

So I'm 5 years past D-Day.

That said, the magic has undeniably faded, and we have settled into what I consider to be a less than fulfilling existence.

 

i have been reading this thread every day and wanting to stay out: OP, you are defining your M by the A.

 

EVERY marriage has ups and downs (fine well used) and at the lows what i quoted is what it feels like...

 

M rebound with a little nudge (by either party). but you drift back to the A, which further drags M down. that means you are making S do all the 'fixing': hence your feeling she is waning. after 5 years she is no doubt wondering if you will every move forward.

 

we hear all the time that R is hard work. well part of that work (as previously noted) is SEPARATING A from M. that falls on the BS.

 

i suggest you go back to MC. be prepared for S to unload a lot of emotional baggage.

[Snowflower]

i have been reading this thread every day and wanting to stay out: OP, you are defining your M by the A.

 

EVERY marriage has ups and downs (fine well used) and at the lows what i quoted is what it feels like...

 

M rebound with a little nudge (by either party). but you drift back to the A, which further drags M down. that means you are making S do all the 'fixing': hence your feeling she is waning. after 5 years she is no doubt wondering if you will every move forward.

 

we hear all the time that R is hard work. well part of that work (as previously noted) is SEPARATING A from M. that falls on the BS.

 

i suggest you go back to MC. be prepared for S to unload a lot of emotional baggage.

 

Excellent post!

 

I've followed your thread but couldn't think of what to say but this post has given me a little nudge. I'm almost 6 years out from d-day so I get where you're coming from. My endpoint will be a little different from yours but just remember, your marriage is, was and always has been more than just what the affair did to it.

 

Marriages evolve...your marriage today wasn't what it was pre-affair (duh) but it isn't only different from 5 years ago because of the affair it is different because it evolves like all marriages do. In that 5 years, what has changed in your life and in your wife's (leave the A out of that thinking as much as possible). Did you move, change jobs, children grow up and move away, deaths in immediate family, new interests, hobbies, illnesses, etc?

 

Even without the affair, any of these events would have an impact (positive/negative) on your marriage.

 

So many people (me included in my own marriage) look at the affair as the #$(*-ing end all and be all of anything about a marriage failing or succeeding. If you have stayed and tried to reconcile for 5 years, you should know there is more to your marriage than that d*** affair.

 

Look at other things in your marriage. Put the affair aside and do some reflection.

 

Like beatcuff said, do not define your marriage by the A (brilliant!!) and go from there to figure out what your steps should be.

[Zenstudent]

I agree with these latest posts that says not to define the marriage by the affair. The problem is that it's way easier said than done.

 

I feel like OP in several ways, so I do understand were he's coming from. I have thought a lot about these well meaning posts myself, and I'm not sure that it's really about defining the marriage by the affair as much as it's a psychological defense mechanism, to protect one self against being hurt in case of another affair or the fWS leaving when kids are grown (or whenever it suits the fWS).

 

Just a thought.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Thanks All,

 

And to some extent I see your point. The Affair(s) are still hanging around to an extent. Sometimes closer to the forefront, somtimes further back in the distance. But that's really what this post was about.

 

As I mentioned in the initial post....if I left tomorrow, it wouldn't be because of the affair. It would be because things are just so Blehh most of the time these days. My problem ( probably not described very well ) is that SHE would link my departure to her affair, not me.

 

The only lingering thing for me, regarding her affair is that we promised to double down our efforts to each other and commitment to meeting each other's needs and communicating etc. And I don't really see her working too hard at this. I sort of see her working to put the affairs into the past, and just get back to regular life.

 

Only for me, I don't regular life is enough anymore.

 

Am I hanging on to the affair? Am I expecting MORE than I should given the pain she's caused? Am I being unreasonable? I dunno. Perhaps. If so, I've been given good advice.

 

Thing is, I don't know... maybe I just realize how much more I actually deserve.

[SawtoothMars]

Thanks All,

And to some extent I see your point. The Affair(s) are still hanging around to an extent. Sometimes closer to the forefront, somtimes further back in the distance. But that's really what this post was about.

As I mentioned in the initial post....if I left tomorrow, it wouldn't be because of the affair. It would be because things are just so Blehh most of the time these days. My problem ( probably not described very well ) is that SHE would link my departure to her affair, not me.

The only lingering thing for me, regarding her affair is that we promised to double down our efforts to each other and commitment to meeting each other's needs and communicating etc. And I don't really see her working too hard at this. I sort of see her working to put the affairs into the past, and just get back to regular life.

Only for me, I don't regular life is enough anymore.

Am I hanging on to the affair? Am I expecting MORE than I should given the pain she's caused? Am I being unreasonable? I dunno. Perhaps. If so, I've been given good advice.

Thing is, I don't know... maybe I just realize how much more I actually deserve.

 

You are clearly not happy. The affair is over and done with. You need to make her put in the effort. Stop waiting for her to change herself or worrying that she will blame the affair. Who cares what she thinks right now? I wouldn't.

 

Bottom line.... tell her exactly what you want from her... and in no uncertain terms. Otherwise you are just wasting everyone's time here with some circle jerk and cry event. Sometimes in a marriage you have to have an iron will.

[merrmeade]

The only lingering thing for me, regarding her affair is that we promised to double down our efforts to each other and commitment to meeting each other's needs and communicating etc. And I don't really see her working too hard at this. I sort of see her working to put the affairs into the past, and just get back to regular life.

 

Only for me, I don't [think] regular life is enough anymore.

 

Am I hanging on to the affair? Am I expecting MORE than I should given the pain she's caused? Am I being unreasonable? I dunno. Perhaps. If so, I've been given good advice.

 

Thing is, I don't know... maybe I just realize how much more I actually deserve.

I think you got it this time.

 

It is and it isn't the affair(s). Once the A is fully vetted, the worst outed, the how far/long/much verified, everything and everyone starts over. The whys wend their way from excuses to reality,

 

REconciliation is RE--- everything: Re-examination, renegotiation, redefinition. The affair makes the BS look at the WS with increasing objectivity as the trauma of the A subsides. When you dig down into the affair, you dig down into the marriage you thought you had and end up clarifying what you want it to be. Maybe your partner is not as good at RE-- anything . It's hard to settle.

 

The conversation has to extend beyond the A and the WS has to fully renounce the person that pursued the A. The BS has nothing to lose by pursuing clarity and truth. The WS will always feel exposed in that exercise and come out of close examination looking shabby and stained. pursuing self-knowledge with an intensity to match the BS's pursuit of truth about what happened and who this person really is.

Edited October 30, 2014 by merrmeade

[HereNorThere]

I think you got it this time.

 

It is and it isn't the affair(s). Once the A is fully vetted, the worst outed, the how far/long/much verified, everything and everyone starts over. The whys wend their way from excuses to reality,

 

REconciliation is RE--- everything: Re-examination, renegotiation, redefinition. The affair makes the BS look at the WS with increasing objectivity as the trauma of the A subsides. When you dig down into the affair, you dig down into the marriage you thought you had and end up clarifying what you want it to be. Maybe your partner is not as good at RE-- anything . It's hard to settle.

 

The conversation has to extend beyond the A and the WS has to fully renounce the person that pursued the A. The BS has nothing to lose by pursuing clarity and truth. The WS will always feel exposed in that exercise and come out of close examination looking shabby and stained. pursuing self-knowledge with an intensity to match the BS's pursuit of truth about what happened and who this person really is.

 

 

No, nothing starts over, that's just ridiculous. This isn't Sunshine of Spotless Mind. Unfortunately, it never goes away for the majority of BS. Of course it eventually goes away for the WS, but that's also related to why people cheat in the first place. Kinda hard to feel remorse and regret when you lack empathy.

[beatcuff]

The only lingering thing for me, regarding her affair is that we promised to double down our efforts to each other and commitment to meeting each other's needs and communicating etc. And I don't really see her working too hard at this. I sort of see her working to put the affairs into the past, and just get back to regular life.

 

OP -- i put in bold: you are guessing at what she is thinking instead of asking / telling her what you want.

 

no doubt she is doing the same: in her mind if it goes back to the way it was everything would be perfect FOR YOU.

 

it appears the real truth is you have BOTH stopped. but that is not unusual; no person can give 100%, 100% of the time.

 

i suggest you start the ball by having a chat: tell her you appreciate the effort but going back to the way it was is not what you want. then tell her what you want.

[Bittersweetie]

I've been thinking about this thread and long-term effects of my A, since we're 5 years out.

 

I think that one can choose to be defined by an event that happens to them, or choose to have that event be a part of their life. There's a difference, with the latter being the healthier goal in my mind.

 

Something unexpected and devastating happened to me in college. After that event, I saw myself as Bittersweetie Before, and Bittersweetie After. I couldn't go back to Before, and I struggled with After. I held on to that After for years, and years, and years...now I see, very unhealthily. With all the work I've been doing on myself, I was finally able to reach the acceptance that that event happened, and is part of my life, but doesn't have to define me.

 

Granted a BS - or even a WS - is going to reach that "part of life" stage immediately. I think it takes a lot of processing to be done, and both partners fully on board. But it seems to me, from my experience and reading here, that in long-term reconciliations, both parties have to move to where the A is part of life, but not defining them. Actually this could probably be the case for BS who don't reconcile as well.

[HermioneG]

I've been thinking about this thread and long-term effects of my A, since we're 5 years out.

 

I think that one can choose to be defined by an event that happens to them, or choose to have that event be a part of their life. There's a difference, with the latter being the healthier goal in my mind.

 

Something unexpected and devastating happened to me in college. After that event, I saw myself as Bittersweetie Before, and Bittersweetie After. I couldn't go back to Before, and I struggled with After. I held on to that After for years, and years, and years...now I see, very unhealthily. With all the work I've been doing on myself, I was finally able to reach the acceptance that that event happened, and is part of my life, but doesn't have to define me.

 

Granted a BS - or even a WS - is going to reach that "part of life" stage immediately. I think it takes a lot of processing to be done, and both partners fully on board. But it seems to me, from my experience and reading here, that in long-term reconciliations, both parties have to move to where the A is part of life, but not defining them. Actually this could probably be the case for BS who don't reconcile as well.

 

Someone once said to me: Only you can decide if this is the title of the book, or just a chapter.

 

For me? It's just a chapter. And there's so much more before and after that chapter.

[katielee]

Someone once said to me: Only you can decide if this is the title of the book, or just a chapter.

 

For me? It's just a chapter. And there's so much more before and after that chapter.

 

that's beautiful.... chapter here.. but a horrible one where ya know, someone died, monsters came, the house burned down and the earth flooded.

[merrmeade]

No, nothing starts over, that's just ridiculous. This isn't Sunshine of Spotless Mind. Unfortunately, it never goes away for the majority of BS. Of course it eventually goes away for the WS, but that's also related to why people cheat in the first place. Kinda hard to feel remorse and regret when you lack empathy.

Of course, they have to start over and what is ridiculous is saying they don't. They're not the same people and their relationship can never be the same. That's starting over. Success depends on how well they both understand and accept themselves, each other and what happened and how they decide to act on that knowledge in the future.

 

What is ridiculous is to think they can just go back to business as usual. An overhaul is required and if WS is either shutting down or hiding her needs/thoughts/passions, then BS is screwed again. If WS feels that getting caught will always be inevitable and simply resigned to the marriage without investing in it, BS is screwed again. If she is ashamed, mistrustful or indifferent to sharing her whole self with him, she will hold back and BS is screwed. If she is just going through the motions, she is not doing anything for the marriage. If she hasn't disavowed and rechanneled certain impulses into the marriage, they're both screwed. She needs to be able to talk about that with him without feeling judged.

 

On the other hand, if BS not only learned new, creepy things about the WS and now doesn't even have access to her thoughts and desires, it's pretty hard to reconcile. She's there but she's not there. BS finally wakes up to the fact that there is a another side to WS he didn't know. He needs to know that she suffered for having hurt him but also that she wants transparency and communication. Otherwise, there's no trust either way.

 

Whole new game. All new rules. Different people. Starting over. [so sorry but some of this got confused with another thread at one point. Think it's ok now.]

Edited October 30, 2014 by merrmeade

[Red123]

Thanks All,

 

And to some extent I see your point. The Affair(s) are still hanging around to an extent. Sometimes closer to the forefront, somtimes further back in the distance. But that's really what this post was about.

 

As I mentioned in the initial post....if I left tomorrow, it wouldn't be because of the affair. It would be because things are just so Blehh most of the time these days. My problem ( probably not described very well ) is that SHE would link my departure to her affair, not me.

 

The only lingering thing for me, regarding her affair is that we promised to double down our efforts to each other and commitment to meeting each other's needs and communicating etc. And I don't really see her working too hard at this. I sort of see her working to put the affairs into the past, and just get back to regular life.

 

Only for me, I don't regular life is enough anymore.

 

Am I hanging on to the affair? Am I expecting MORE than I should given the pain she's caused? Am I being unreasonable? I dunno. Perhaps. If so, I've been given good advice.

 

Thing is, I don't know... maybe I just realize how much more I actually deserve.

 

This is very interesting. I am about a year past Dday so still in the working things through stage. This is theory only, but I often wonder about a few years from now and what I'll feel like. One of the fears I have is will my life be blah( for lack of a better term). The reason I think this way is because of the intensity of emotions that we feel after an affair has come to light. The intense sorrow, grief, hysterical bonding for some of us, that feeling of needing to fight for your M again for some of us. I often wonder with such intense emotions and extremes I am going through and have gone through, will normal, happy and comfortable be enough for me. Again for me this theory because I'm not there yet.

I hope I'm making sense( I struggle with this lately). I too struggle with the thoughts of needing to be wowed and have this incredible M because of what I am going through. It's not, IMO, realistic so I try to push that aside. I deserve a better M for giving this second chance, but I also know I need to work at it too.

I hope you are able to decide what will be best for you and what will bring you the most satisfying life.

[TrustedthenBusted]

This is very interesting. I am about a year past Dday so still in the working things through stage. This is theory only, but I often wonder about a few years from now and what I'll feel like. One of the fears I have is will my life be blah( for lack of a better term). The reason I think this way is because of the intensity of emotions that we feel after an affair has come to light. The intense sorrow, grief, hysterical bonding for some of us, that feeling of needing to fight for your M again for some of us. I often wonder with such intense emotions and extremes I am going through and have gone through, will normal, happy and comfortable be enough for me. Again for me this theory because I'm not there yet.

I hope I'm making sense( I struggle with this lately). I too struggle with the thoughts of needing to be wowed and have this incredible M because of what I am going through. It's not, IMO, realistic so I try to push that aside. I deserve a better M for giving this second chance, but I also know I need to work at it too.

I hope you are able to decide what will be best for you and what will bring you the most satisfying life.

 

You're makign perfect sense. And I think it's perfectly natural to expect a BETTER marriage on the back end of a betrayal like this. in fact, when we go to MC to understand what lead to the ****ty decision in the first place, and what the weak spots in the marriage are, we are taught to identify and address these things clearly, openly and with the goal of having total transparency in the relationship.

 

So this SHOULD make things better. And we DESERVE that... and so do THEY for staying with US through the misery that must be the WS's existence sometimes.

 

What will seem intolerable to you in 5 years is if your spouse goes right back to normal. Harboring little resentments. Ignoring your needs. Witholding sex, etc.

 

Normal isn't good enough after an affair. Sure, it isn't realistic to expect a storybook relationship, and I certainly dont. But I expect better than what I had 5 years ago, or else what is the point?

[Zenstudent]

You're makign perfect sense. And I think it's perfectly natural to expect a BETTER marriage on the back end of a betrayal like this. in fact, when we go to MC to understand what lead to the ****ty decision in the first place, and what the weak spots in the marriage are, we are taught to identify and address these things clearly, openly and with the goal of having total transparency in the relationship.

 

So this SHOULD make things better. And we DESERVE that... and so do THEY for staying with US through the misery that must be the WS's existence sometimes.

 

What will seem intolerable to you in 5 years is if your spouse goes right back to normal. Harboring little resentments. Ignoring your needs. Witholding sex, etc.

 

Normal isn't good enough after an affair. Sure, it isn't realistic to expect a storybook relationship, and I certainly dont. But I expect better than what I had 5 years ago, or else what is the point?

Well, I had good marriage pre-affair, so did my wife. I certainly don't expect it to be any better post-affair. Trust is gone, the magic is gone, the fuzzy warm feelings are gone, the self image of being the luckiest man in the world, the handholding dream of the bench in the sunsets in senior years... pufff. No, definitely not better.

 

And I certainly don't think I deserve anything - that would be setting myself up for failure and future misery. Day by day, hour by hour, step by step - breath by breath. That's it.

 

Or is it? Maybe it is, maybe what I had before was just an illusion. It was never there in the first place, so maybe I really am better off? Maybe infidelity is just one of those experiences you need to have in order to grow and mature - in that case I'm very lucky.

 

To your last question; if you expect better, you may be disappointed. Having expectations is a losing game. So I think the point is to make the best of each day, each experience and your life in general.

[badkarma2013]

When I was a younger man, by best friend betrayed me pretty hard. Fists were thrown, and we both said a lot of things that HE was going to regret. lol.

 

But we're best friends again.

 

I know it's not the same....or is it? A marriage is just another relationship at the end of the day.

 

 

REALLY... You walk in and see your best friend having sex and you laugh and close the door....WALK IN AND SEE YOUR BEST FRIEND FU^%ING YOUR WIFE...AND YOUR TELLING ME ITS THE SAME AFTER ALL SEX IS JUST SEX..

 

If that line of thinking wasnt so SAD if would be hysterical...

[TrustedthenBusted]

REALLY... You walk in and see your best friend having sex and you laugh and close the door....WALK IN AND SEE YOUR BEST FRIEND FU^%ING YOUR WIFE...AND YOUR TELLING ME ITS THE SAME AFTER ALL SEX IS JUST SEX..

 

If that line of thinking wasnt so SAD it would be hysterical...

 

Don't read more into than I am suggesting. A marriage is a relationship, like friendships, business relationships, family relationships etc. Granted, it's a very important one, and perhaps the most important and challenging one we will have in this life.

 

But it's a relationship just the same. As such, it is subject to incredible stress, and incredible comebacks. It requires work and nourishment, and when it's damaged, it requires repair ( or disposal )

 

 

For example, there was a time when I thought I'd never speak to my brother again. But he's my brother, so I didn't give up on him, and now we are very close.

 

When we marry someone and have kids with them, they become family, and to me that's important.

 

As for the sex.. let's be honest... it's just sex. We've all done it, usually with multiple partners, and it's happening right now with literally billions of people across teh globe. Let's not give it more power than it deserves. There is nothing in an affair that is any different than any other sex going on out there. The part that really hurts us is the deceit, and I believe THAT can be overcome.

Edited October 30, 2014 by TrustedthenBusted