I was the other woman, but I'm not anymore

[stillmind]

I think you should just cut contact with her and make new friends.

[Survivor12]

She didn't sell or pawn the gifts you gave her to hurt you.

 

You did intentionally betray her trust and hurt her.

 

You have lied to her for years, first by harboring ill will while pretending to be her friend & then by denying your actions with her bf.

 

And, now, not only are you attempting to deflect blame on her for "ruining" your friendship, you continue to lie instead of owning up to what you have done & giving her what she has been asking for--the TRUTH. If you are so convinced that you were justified, why are you so afraid of telling her?

 

You are not her friend. No matter how many times you may pat yourself on the back, what you may have done FOR her does not compare to what you have done TO her. At the very least, stop pretending to be a friend. Stop lying & let her know that the friendship is over & you don't want to hear from her again.

 

As for the "gifts"--when you give gifts, you don't get to dictate how they are used or what is done with them...Also, I can't help but wonder how she was able to pawn diapers & milk...As for the clothes & toys, kids do outgrow them so it's not unusual to resell them. It seems that your "reason" for being upset with her is rather flimsy.

 

I'm also curious how, as a teen, you had the money to be buying her things.

 

My advice--stop trying to justify your actions, own up to them & apologize.

[Owl]

I'm not sure what I expected you all to say honestly. I guess I was hoping that someone was in a similar situation and would be able to tell me how to repair the situation.

 

I think the only way you can do that is by following the advice that Survivor 12 gave.

 

My advice--stop trying to justify your actions, own up to them & apologize.

 

Admit to what you did, and why. Give her the full, out in the open truth about what happened, and what didn't.

[Maxie Max]

She didn't sell or pawn the gifts you gave her to hurt you.

 

You did intentionally betray her trust and hurt her.

 

You have lied to her for years, first by harboring ill will while pretending to be her friend & then by denying your actions with her bf.

 

And, now, not only are you attempting to deflect blame on her for "ruining" your friendship, you continue to lie instead of owning up to what you have done & giving her what she has been asking for--the TRUTH. If you are so convinced that you were justified, why are you so afraid of telling her?

 

You are not her friend. No matter how many times you may pat yourself on the back, what you may have done FOR her does not compare to what you have done TO her. At the very least, stop pretending to be a friend. Stop lying & let her know that the friendship is over & you don't want to hear from her again.

 

As for the "gifts"--when you give gifts, you don't get to dictate how they are used or what is done with them...Also, I can't help but wonder how she was able to pawn diapers & milk...As for the clothes & toys, kids do outgrow them so it's not unusual to resell them. It seems that your "reason" for being upset with her is rather flimsy.

 

I'm also curious how, as a teen, you had the money to be buying her things.

 

My advice--stop trying to justify your actions, own up to them & apologize.

I worked full time during the summer and part time during school. I wasn't rich by any means, but I was able to help her out.

 

That gift motto has been stated to me before and it is something I've never agreed with, not even now. I don't believe in re gifting and selling things. If I spend $200.00 on something and you aren't going to use it, let me know. I can find other things to do with my money. Don't let someone else benefit off of a sweet deal. Besides, I don't agree with a parent taking something that is intended for their child and selling it. Also, I thought pawning was just for electronics and the likes as well. At the time though, I was going off of what another person was telling me. But, it was enough detail presented to me to know that she had pawned at least 2 things.

 

In any accord, this is a reason I don't want to discuss it with her. It's he said, she said and accusations that I wasn't justified with what I did. Although I wouldn't pull this same thing now a days, in no way will I ever look back on what I did as wrong. It was what I believed in at the time. So, I will never own up to it per say. If that is all I can do, I will just end the relationship/friendship.

[anika99]

He does not allow anyone to bring me up or say anything negative about it. If it happens, he gets very protective. She just sees that he cares for me and that leads to her doubts.

 

I know she has asked him why it happened and the details. From what I know, he lies and covers it. Honestly, I really don't think he even knows the complete why. It is something that only I can answer.

 

My problem is that I really don't know what to say to her because I don't want to revisit what she did to me. Nothing can correct it. I don't think she actually wants the details like she says.

 

I was hoping there was something else I could do

 

 

You don't want to revisit what she did to you? That's sounds crazy. She didn't do anything to you. As I said before gifts are given without conditions or they are not truly gifts. Have you always been this vengeful over minor slights? Do you punish other people is this way? I keep thinking this can't really be the reason you messed with her bf. Are you sure you didn't just have an attraction to him all along and the gift thing became a convenient reason to act on it?

 

 

Your friendship with this girl is fake. You have betrayed her in the worst way and by reading what you have said about the gifts it sounds like you still harbor a great deal of resentment and hate towards her so why are you still being friends with someone you obviously have so much animosity towards? Just stop talking to her.

[Owl]

So, I will never own up to it per say. If that is all I can do, I will just end the relationship/friendship.

 

You've come to your own conclusions and found your own path going forward.

 

Now all that's left is to implement your plan.

[Maxie Max]

You don't want to revisit what she did to you? That's sounds crazy. She didn't do anything to you. As I said before gifts are given without conditions or they are not truly gifts. Have you always been this vengeful over minor slights? Do you punish other people is this way? I keep thinking this can't really be the reason you messed with her bf. Are you sure you didn't just have an attraction to him all along and the gift thing became a convenient reason to act on it?

 

 

Your friendship with this girl is fake. You have betrayed her in the worst way and by reading what you have said about the gifts it sounds like you still harbor a great deal of resentment and hate towards her so why are you still being friends with someone you obviously have so much animosity towards? Just stop talking to her.

 

Yes, I used to be very vengeful. It appears that this thread displays otherwise but I considered myself to be a very sweet and nice person that didn’t bother or do anything wrong to anybody. So, whenever I would feel wronged, I would react VERY strongly. Am I that way now? No…

When he made his advances, I think I would have completely rejected him if this gift thing and a couple of other things hadn’t happened with her.

[Maxie Max]

You've come to your own conclusions and found your own path going forward.

 

Now all that's left is to implement your plan.

I will stop hanging with her etc. When she invites me to things, I'll decline

[Georgia2014]

Why would you even want to be friends with a user like she is? If it were me I would just block her number.

[Maxie Max]

Why would you even want to be friends with a user like she is? If it were me I would just block her number.

I know right.

[Maxie Max]

I had made the decision to end the friendship. If you want to even call what we had a friendship. I decided to save the theatrics and drama by not making an event out of ending the friendship. Being that we are both busy, she has kids etc - I just basically stopped texting her and going over. I was going to fade to black.

 

However, she sent me a text confronting me. She told me that she was getting tired of the situation with him and that she's asking me again to not discuss her with him. She explained that she keeps hearing a ton of things that I am supposed to be saying.

 

It was ridiculous because I haven't spoken to him in 4 months and even when I did, the conversation wasn't about her.

 

If I'm going to have to put up with this nonsense, why not be with him?

[herself]

My feeling is she might be slightly mentally ill or have ptsd due to a rough upbringing and lots of pain inflicted by her family and humiliating circumstances of living with friends and being broke.

Maybe she is subconsciously holding onto this because its her last bond to you and/or the boyfriend and even if it's negative attachment it's still attachment and attention seeking behavior like a subconscious effort for someone to validate her and apologize to her and see she was hurt. Maybe she wants you to see, just because you put it to rest doesnt mean can.

 

I think unfortunately this will always be the elephant in the room and I think you can't forgive her either.

 

Your actions, followed by inactions to face the fallout head on have created a toxic situation and I'd block her and stop all the bs and drama but I'd give her closure in a detailed letter with a humble explanation and apology, and let her know you are requesting nc from her and need to go forward in your life and put an end to the past.

[Maxie Max]

My feeling is she might be slightly mentally ill or have ptsd due to a rough upbringing and lots of pain inflicted by her family and humiliating circumstances of living with friends and being broke.

Maybe she is subconsciously holding onto this because its her last bond to you and/or the boyfriend and even if it's negative attachment it's still attachment and attention seeking behavior like a subconscious effort for someone to validate her and apologize to her and see she was hurt. Maybe she wants you to see, just because you put it to rest doesnt mean can.

 

I think unfortunately this will always be the elephant in the room and I think you can't forgive her either.

 

Your actions, followed by inactions to face the fallout head on have created a toxic situation and I'd block her and stop all the bs and drama but I'd give her closure in a detailed letter with a humble explanation and apology, and let her know you are requesting nc from her and need to go forward in your life and put an end to the past.

 

Thank you. She wants to remain friends.

[Maxie Max]

I think that Herself hit the nail on the head with the slight mental illness theory. When she confronted me, one of her accusations was that someone told her that I keep posting things about her on Facebook. At our age, I really can't think of anything more juvenile to be involved in and upon research, I feel like she is actually in a fake page or in one of her kid's pages just to see what I am doing and posting.

 

I called her boyfriend and asked him about it. I asked how is this behavior not a form of stalking. He explained that it was stalking and that it is like she wants to be me. He said that all she does each day is think of ways to get a reaction out of me.

 

I really hope this isn't something I have to put up with for a lifetime. I think they are moving in together soon. Will that help this die out?

[herself]

Oh man, then she's nearly stalking you. Its an obsession.

But if she has her mind focused on getting a reaction and she doesn't, does that lead to anger and bigger gestures.

Side Note: Sigh....before calling her boyfriend to discuss her behavior why didn't you discuss with her when shes reaching out to try and talk?

Why is talking behind her back ok? Are you trying to make her look bad? Are you SURE your dine with your feelings for HER boyfriend since you claim to want to fix things with her if you can but then go and talk to her BF behind her back. Now THAT'S immature and unfair.

[jellybean89]

 

It was ridiculous because I haven't spoken to him in 4 months and even when I did, the conversation wasn't about her.

 

If I'm going to have to put up with this nonsense, why not be with him?

 

 

I called her boyfriend and asked him about it. I asked how is this behavior not a form of stalking. He explained that it was stalking and that it is like she wants to be me. He said that all she does each day is think of ways to get a reaction out of me.

 

I really hope this isn't something I have to put up with for a lifetime. I think they are moving in together soon. Will that help this die out?

 

So you say you hadn't spoken to him in 4 months and then now just called him to bitch about his gf? Really? And her behavior is juvenile to you? You sought out HER boyfriend and chose to have sex with him..you invited this drama into your life during a fit of jealousy/envy/entitlement or whatever excuse you are using to justify your betrayal of her friendship.

 

She didn't owe you anything regarding pawning the gifts. Have you ever been so poor that you had to pawn things to feed your kid? Have you ever had a kid on your own without financial help from the father? Have you ever had to sacrifice for someone else and NOT had an attitude of resentfulness or thoughts of vengeance because the person who gave you a gift has decided how you are to act? Have you had to deal with someone who calls themselves a friend to your face, but behind your back does whatever they can to hurt you, such as having sex with your boyfriend?

 

Stalking on FB? What is it with your generation that throws that word - stalking - around? Are you in fear of her "stalking" you? Highly doubtful. She's busy raising kids and thinking she is in a monogamous relationship, while you are busy holding grudges and sleeping with her cheater boyfriend and lying to her.

 

Maybe volunteering at a homeless shelter would help show you what it is like to not be able to feed your kid and you don't need electronics or toys for your kids but food and shelter. What happened to you that you chose to do this to a "friend"? Why would you think it is okay to put conditions on a GIFT? Do you give people a piece of paper with your gifts letting them know the conditions of your gift giving? I'm just so blown away by the attitude and the immature behavior. I feel sorry for you that somewhere along the way, you veered off the path of doing things for people and not expecting something in return.

[Maxie Max]

Herself, I was just frustrated. I felt like If I'm being accused of something - I might as well do it anyway. I'm going to try to be done with it.

 

I made my bed, now it's time to lay in it.

[herself]

I understand the frustration and the effect of the lingering consequences.

Just seems like if your done with him & have no feelings and are interested in salvaging your friendship with HER you shouldn't be dealing with HIM.

I suspect he maybe rejected you awhile back and went back to her and there's some sort of hurt there..?

I can be totally way off but something is making you still hurt and sabotage her and I wonder if you saving this unhealthy friendship with her is a way of keeping an attachment to him in your life as it seems you reached for a reason to call him when the obvious solution was asking HER what her intentions were as she is trying to have an open dialogue and instead you cold shoulder her and talk it all out with him.

 

Something doesn't add up about this whole story, feel a parts been left out maybe.

Im sorry to jump to any wrong conclusions and hope you're really ready to close the chapter here. All of you should move on. Best wishes.

[bathtub-row]

When we do things for people, it should end there. What a person chooses to do with our gifts is their option. Otherwise, it's not really giving. What you did was give with conditions attached. You have no idea as to why she did what she did. She very easily could've been in a financial bind and getting rid of new things probably brought a higher price. But instead of asking her about it or deciding that it didn't really matter, you chose to draw negative conclusions and be vengeful.

 

Now that the focus is on you in a negative light, you say that you want to preserve the friendship, but you didn't seem to want to preserve it when the tables were turned. I'm just saying these things because I think you might want to consider how your actions have gotten you here.

[Lady2163]

So, for many years I kept in touch with a former foster child. She always needed things, the basics. Soap, shampoo, deodorant. We now live 1500 miles apart. I am near a Walmart, she is near a Target. Target is 50 miles away for me.

 

First I sent heed the toiletries and some of the "good stuff" from Bath and Body works.

 

Two weeks later she swaps it for a couple of video games.

 

Then, I made a special trip to Target to get her a gift card. She swapped that for some thing frivolous. In the last few years, every time I've given her something she NEEDS, she invariably swaps or sells it for a want.

 

It is rude and classless to do that. I feel your pain.

 

Now, I just don't quite get why youre beating yourself up over an EA. I know it may have been intense, may have had false pretenses, but he did cheat on her. It may have been a deep connection, but it just isn't the same thing. Let yourself off the hook. It sounds like you've grown up a lot.

 

She's never going to believe nothing happened. Cut those ties.

[spookysonata]

The RIGHT thing to do would be to sit down with her and put it all on the table. Tell her you were angry that she sold gifts you gave her, and instead of discussing it with her then, you decided to mess with her boyfriend. Tell her you have both been lying to her all this time. Clear the air and give her the chance to do the same. Then both of you decide whether the relationship is salvageable.

 

But based on the things you've said here I'm betting you'll just shove it all under the rug and ignore her until she gives up and stops calling you. Good luck.

[Maxie Max]

I understand the frustration and the effect of the lingering consequences.

Just seems like if your done with him & have no feelings and are interested in salvaging your friendship with HER you shouldn't be dealing with HIM.

I suspect he maybe rejected you awhile back and went back to her and there's some sort of hurt there..?

I can be totally way off but something is making you still hurt and sabotage her and I wonder if you saving this unhealthy friendship with her is a way of keeping an attachment to him in your life as it seems you reached for a reason to call him when the obvious solution was asking HER what her intentions were as she is trying to have an open dialogue and instead you cold shoulder her and talk it all out with him.

 

Something doesn't add up about this whole story, feel a parts been left out maybe.

Im sorry to jump to any wrong conclusions and hope you're really ready to close the chapter here. All of you should move on. Best wishes.

I probably haven't included enough information because you're a tad bit off. I had to beg him to stop contacting me. I asked him about her intentions because I trust him more.

[Maxie Max]

When we do things for people, it should end there. What a person chooses to do with our gifts is their option. Otherwise, it's not really giving. What you did was give with conditions attached. You have no idea as to why she did what she did. She very easily could've been in a financial bind and getting rid of new things probably brought a higher price. But instead of asking her about it or deciding that it didn't really matter, you chose to draw negative conclusions and be vengeful.

 

Now that the focus is on you in a negative light, you say that you want to preserve the friendship, but you didn't seem to want to preserve it when the tables were turned. I'm just saying these things because I think you might want to consider how your actions have gotten you here.

My point is that the gifts were for her kids. For example, I don't see the right in taking a top of the line porcelain doll from a child that has no other toys and pawning or selling it for half it's worth. If even that much. Maybe if the kid actually asked for it to be pawned, I would try to understand what you're saying.

[Maxie Max]

The RIGHT thing to do would be to sit down with her and put it all on the table. Tell her you were angry that she sold gifts you gave her, and instead of discussing it with her then, you decided to mess with her boyfriend. Tell her you have both been lying to her all this time. Clear the air and give her the chance to do the same. Then both of you decide whether the relationship is salvageable.

 

But based on the things you've said here I'm betting you'll just shove it all under the rug and ignore her until she gives up and stops calling you. Good luck.

Correct. I've been ignoring her calls.

[spookysonata]

Correct. I've been ignoring her calls.

 

And you didn't read my first paragraph at all, did you.