He proposed.

[CrystalCastles]

More like scare tactics...

 

Telling me I'll regret it, that no one will love me like he does. That I'm the one that's a wreck, that im a narcissist. He's picking at my insecurities to get me scared.

 

As much as I am scared all the things he said are true, none of it matters, because I'm not scared of being alone. That's something I can do just fine.

 

Please, Phoe. Do not go back to that guy.

 

Reread what you wrote on here. Does this sound at all loving? He's making you sound unlovable, and also like you're not worth loving- as if he was kind and generous enough to be the only one to love you. He sounds like a major sicko, sorry. I'm not claiming to be an expert in relationships, but I know what love feels like and I know what it feels like to be loved, and at NO POINT do you break down the other person and their self-worth. Relationships are about being supportive, being kind, loving, generous. I cannot fathom ever saying to my boyfriend the things your boyfriend says to you. That is just horrible cruelty.

 

NONE of what he said was true. Narcissist? Sorry but where did that come from?! Does he even know what that word means?!

 

Don't be afraid to be single. Its better to be single than to be with someone who insults you, makes you question your worth, breaks down your self-esteem, and makes you feel like a worthless human being. Just because your boyfriend can be nice sometimes doesn't give him a free pass to cruelty. He says he loves you, but where are the actions to prove it?!

 

You did the right thing. Don't question yourself and your decision. Ignore whatever he says because its not true. You have done a good and important thing for yourself, and have freed yourself. Now you are free to find a guy who loves you truly and treats you with nothing but kindness. Treats you like the queen you are. I know you haven't had success in your relationships before, but don't give up- the right guy is still out there, he's looking for his Phoe and he'll find her when the time is right.

 

Hang in there, my dear. Post here whenever you feel like it. There are people here who want to offer their support. <3

[CrystalCastles]

I have NONE of the history on this relationship,

 

Yeah, that's...kind of a problem. I strongly suggest you go read the OP's past threads- it will give you a lot more background information and it'll make sense why people are saying on here the things they're saying.

[William]

Noting other moderators and myself have done some housekeeping here, I'll mention two things:

 

1. Discussion of other members is fine via PM. On-forum, we stick to the topic.

 

2. If referring to material relevant to this topic amongst past postings of the thread starter, link to those posts and quote them verbatim if/when making comments on them or asking questions relevant to them. Generally, we prefer topics to be discussed in the here and now.

 

This topic appears to be regarding a proposal of marriage and the answer to it. Thanks!

[whichwayisup]

He proposed today.

 

He laid out everything, gave me his all, his heart, and I ripped it out, along with my own.

 

Nothing about today, was what I would've wanted. He deserves a girl who will be ecstatic, not one who makes him feel like he's not good enough.

 

I feel like the worlds most horrible person. I cried and cried until I couldn't breathe, and now I'm in bed, feeling hollow as could be. My heart is physically having a hard time right now. Like every beat is more effort than it can withstand.

 

It isn't easy to end things but you did the right thing. You listened to your gut and heart. Sucks he is hurting, really sucks, but better now than getting married and divorcing with a few kids in tow. You were honest and did what you thought was best for you.

[Phoe]

I won't be going back. I made up my mind pretty firmly about that, and there was actually a pivotal moment when he said something to me, and I felt completely enraged. I won't discuss what is was here, as it'll only devolve from here if I do...

 

but he later said that he was "acting" and used what he said as an opportunity to give me an out, and that I took the bait.

 

Okay, I wasn't smart enough to see that it was a test, and for that I feel silly, but being tested alone just made it all that worse.

 

I know he wants to get into my head, and for that reason alone, I've shut myself down.

[beach]

More like scare tactics...

 

Telling me I'll regret it, that no one will love me like he does. That I'm the one that's a wreck, that im a narcissist. He's picking at my insecurities to get me scared.

 

As much as I am scared all the things he said are true, none of it matters, because I'm not scared of being alone. That's something I can do just fine.

 

He's disrespecting you now and you shouldn't have to fight him off.

 

Tell him to leave you alone and if he doesn't start calling the police. Especially if he's harassing you.

[somedude81]

I won't be going back. I made up my mind pretty firmly about that, and there was actually a pivotal moment when he said something to me, and I felt completely enraged. I won't discuss what is was here, as it'll only devolve from here if I do...

 

but he later said that he was "acting" and used what he said as an opportunity to give me an out, and that I took the bait.

 

Okay, I wasn't smart enough to see that it was a test, and for that I feel silly, but being tested alone just made it all that worse.

 

I know he wants to get into my head, and for that reason alone, I've shut myself down.

 

Can you imagine what it would have been like to be married to him?

 

All of the games, tests and manipulation? That isn't love.

[Copelandsanity]

I'll echo what everyone else has said and that you made the right decision. Deep down, he might be a good guy, but he is not a stable person, financial or otherwise. In fact - and I don't mean to scare you - it would be prudent to be extra cautious, especially if he acts up inappropriately in any way.

[Els]

You're making the right decision. I just really hope you stick to it.

[Emilia]

I know he wants to get into my head, and for that reason alone, I've shut myself down.

Exactly. You can't allow him to manipulate you, it's disrespectful and potentially dangerous.

[Toodaloo]

I won't be going back. I made up my mind pretty firmly about that, and there was actually a pivotal moment when he said something to me, and I felt completely enraged. I won't discuss what is was here, as it'll only devolve from here if I do...

 

but he later said that he was "acting" and used what he said as an opportunity to give me an out, and that I took the bait.

 

Okay, I wasn't smart enough to see that it was a test, and for that I feel silly, but being tested alone just made it all that worse.

 

I know he wants to get into my head, and for that reason alone, I've shut myself down.

 

Well he gave you an out. If he were serious he would not have given that.

 

Well done for staying strong.

 

You are a lovely person and I enjoy reading your comments. Don't let anything this guy says take that away. Chin up chook.

[Anela]

I think you're in the right, and the bit about Sizzler made me choke on my food. But, if I come in here and say things like that, you usually defend him.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[StanMusial]

I support Phoe. I don't know much of the backstory beyond what is in this thread either. TBH it's more because of things I have read in OTHER threads. Dating felons, etc. I'm glad to see women ditch these losers. Good on her for having some self-respeck.

[Maleficent]

I have NONE of the history on this relationship, but I have to admit it made my heart ache a little to hear about this guy's genuine attempt at a proposal, and your dismissal of it for various money-related reasons.

 

Not saying that financial stability isn't important, not saying that you don't deserve something a little more "special."

 

But I hope you don't look back at this one day and see a guy who truly loved you and wanted to spend his life with you -- who you rejected because he didn't have the means yet to give you a fancy ring or a wedding with fanfare. One day maybe you'll realize that those things aren't that important.

 

However, I assume you two have had ongoing problems with his financial status and inability to carry his own weight. My only question there is, if this is such a dealbreaker for you, why did you allow it to build up to the point where he's down on one knee? Why didn't you cut the cord sooner?

 

 

I would tend to agree with you here bu there is definitely more to this story than just that.

 

Also, I have dated someone who didn't make a lot of money and was always broke and to be honest, it really sucks.

Financial stability is an acceptable standard imo.

 

Though I'll admit the part about the ring I really disagree with but that's just me...

[dragon_fly_7]

Like others mentioned, you did the right thing in declining a proposal you didn't feel right. Life isn't just about ''happily ever after'' fairy tales and ''Oh the feelings, oh the love''. Financial stability and compatibility are important qualities in a relationship. Just ''being in love'' and daydreaming isn't enough.

 

I wouldn't have moved in with a man's mother either.

[Phoe]

I have NONE of the history on this relationship

 

But I hope you don't look back at this one day and see a guy who truly loved you and wanted to spend his life with you -- who you rejected because he didn't have the means yet to give you a fancy ring or a wedding with fanfare. One day maybe you'll realize that those things aren't that important

 

It's okay that you have no backstory, but it appears that you barely read even what I wrote in this thread alone. I intend no rudeness towards you, but you have things very wrong and that does not sit well with me.

 

I said earlier that I don't even want a ceremony. That I don't want fancy and expensive. Yet you interpret that I want a "wedding with fanfare". How'd you do that?

 

My ideal is no ceremony at all. Being quietly legally married, and just having a "reception" at a later date. A get together with family and friends. Either at nice little picnic type thing, in a park, with decent catering, or in a decent restaurant. I don't want sizzler. I don't want hometown buffet. How is me not wanting that, suddenly me wanting fancy?

 

Same with the ring. When did I say I want fancy? I said id rather have no ring and him have money in the bank.

 

If I do have a ring, I don't want fancy. I just want it to NOT have a big crack through the stone and brown marks on the band, and black smudges of dirt inside the box. Why is me not wanting a visibly damaged ring a problem?

 

I know you have no backstory, but if you did, you'd realize I'm just about the most laid back, UnFancy girl you could imagine. I don't care about fancy and expensive things. I don't care about how much money a man makes. I'm a minimalist and don't need or want THINGS.

 

All I have EVER wanted is to be treated with kindness. To be loved and respected. That is literally all I've ever requested, and people here know that. And for you to suggest that maybe one day I'll realize what's important, is kind of insulting.

 

Though I'll admit the part about the ring I really disagree with but that's just me...

 

How so? Should I be okay with a visibly damaged one?

[BetrayedH]

All I have EVER wanted is to be treated with kindness. To be loved and respected. That is literally all I've ever requested...

 

This is not to say that you should have accepted his proposal (I think you did the right thing both by saying no and by breaking it off altogether) but clearly the statement above is not accurate. You've obviously requested more than just to be treated with kindness, and to be loved, and respected. In fact, you had specific financial requirements and he failed to meet them.

[Phoe]

but clearly the statement above is not accurate. You've obviously requested more than just to be treated with kindness, and to be loved, and respected. In fact, you had specific financial requirements and he failed to meet them.

 

Okay.

 

My financial requirements are that a man can pay his own bills, and be capable of saving money over time so that he can contribute to a reasonable wedding reception.

 

Screw me for having a slight standard...

 

 

But the BIGGEST contributor to me not accepting the proposal is not the financial aspect. Because that can be worked on over time.

 

The issue is ALL the issues we had over 10 months, that I was trying to work past, that weren't getting fixed.

 

It's not as though I would've accepted if the ring was not damaged and he had savings built up to afford a wedding tomorrow. He still would've gotten a no.

[Mr Scorpio]

You've obviously requested more than just to be treated with kindness, and to be loved, and respected. In fact, you had specific financial requirements and he failed to meet them.

 

 

Technically correct yet fairly irrelevant. Her financial requirements as I understand them are far short of unreasonable.

[Phoe]

Technically correct yet fairly irrelevant. Her financial requirements as I understand them are far short of unreasonable.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable that I want him to be able to pay all of his own bills.

 

If I felt very strongly that he was the one and that I could spend my life with him, I'd easily look past that financial requirement and accept and engagement with the intentions of slowly working towards that financial stability. He's the first boyfriend I've ever had who even had a job at all, so it's not like money has ever been a requirement for me.

 

All in all, as much as I adore him, he disrespected me too much. That's what it comes down to.

[writergal]

He lives with his mother and wanted you to move in with them.

He can't pay his own bills and had YOU do that for him.

You told turned down his marriage proposal (for good reason), yet he has badgered you to reconsider.

He bought you a cheap ring that has a large crack in it.

He can't afford to pay for his own wedding, his own rent, or his own bills.

He doesn't respect the boundaries you set, so in essence disrespects your POV and only cares about what HE wants, what HE needs.

 

^This guy is not the marrying kind.

[Phoe]

The big problem with the damaged ring, is what it symbolizes.

 

It implies haste. He bought it who knows where, barely looked at it, then put it in his pocket. The minimal amount of thought put into it.

 

I'm not worth that extra thought, that extra few minutes to just LOOK at it, and realize that it's damaged.

 

He bought me a $50 ring in the past and I adored it. It was a lab made Emerald. It meant a lot because he took the time to look up my birthstone and then find a ring with one.

 

The money aspect, means nothing.

[serial muse]

He lives with his mother and wanted you to move in with them.

He can't pay his own bills and had YOU do that for him.

You told turned down his marriage proposal (for good reason), yet he has badgered you to reconsider.

He bought you a cheap ring that has a large crack in it.

He can't afford to pay for his own wedding, his own rent, or his own bills.

He doesn't respect the boundaries you set, so in essence disrespects your POV and only cares about what HE wants, what HE needs.

 

^This guy is not the marrying kind.

 

And the fact that he consistently blame shifts about all of the above seems to me like the most damning knock against him of all.

[Anela]

The big problem with the damaged ring, is what it symbolizes.

 

It implies haste. He bought it who knows where, barely looked at it, then put it in his pocket. The minimal amount of thought put into it.

 

I'm not worth that extra thought, that extra few minutes to just LOOK at it, and realize that it's damaged.

 

 

This is understandable. It's good that you realize that.

[MissBee]

I won't be going back. I made up my mind pretty firmly about that, and there was actually a pivotal moment when he said something to me, and I felt completely enraged. I won't discuss what is was here, as it'll only devolve from here if I do...

 

but he later said that he was "acting" and used what he said as an opportunity to give me an out, and that I took the bait.

 

Okay, I wasn't smart enough to see that it was a test, and for that I feel silly, but being tested alone just made it all that worse.

 

I know he wants to get into my head, and for that reason alone, I've shut myself down.

 

This is unacceptable and emotionally abusive, but not shocking as in the past when you guys have had issues, when HE is wrong, you're the one who always ends up feeling badly about yourself. You're sick and can't drive to his house, he punishes you emotionally and make you seem selfish. For YOUR birthday he tries to get you to do what he wants and then is upset because you don't want to. The list goes on and now this...I remember mentioning to you before that this pattern is that of an emotionally abusive person and it won't get better but will become more apparent that this is him and how he operates. If you're in a relationship walking on egg shells, doubting yourself, where you have to brace yourself for them trying to "get into your mind" or other things and where no matter what they do, you're the one who ends up feeling like something is wrong with you is completely unhealthy!

 

Also being tested is a form of manipulation and absolutely ridiculous also. I'm getting infuriated on your behalf just thinking about this. I'm very happy though that you seem to have your wits about you and are done with this. You deserve A LOT more than this nonsense.