He proposed.

[Imported]

I don't see where people are giving her a hard time about this...

 

She knows he isn't the one for her. He proposed twice already and she said no.

Do you suggest she stays with him a few more weeks/months and give him false hope?

Maybe wait until he proposes a third time?

 

If that was me, I would rather get dumped right away.

I'd be already hurting anyways.

 

 

It might take me a good bit of time to believe a girl is the girl I should marry. If she proposed to me before that time and I say no, it does not mean that a year later I won't be the one proposing to her.

 

Saying no because you are not ready because of whatever reason is not the same as saying no because you know that person is not right for you.

[me85]

Hope all is well Phoe!

 

You did the right thing. In time, he will see that.

[SummerDreams]

It might take me a good bit of time to believe a girl is the girl I should marry. If she proposed to me before that time and I say no, it does not mean that a year later I won't be the one proposing to her.

 

Saying no because you are not ready because of whatever reason is not the same as saying no because you know that person is not right for you.

 

I disagree. It's one thing "I want to marry this person but I'm not ready yet for whatever reason" and another thing "I don't believe this person is the right person to marry". In my opinion when a couple has lived together for like a year they should be ready to decide if they want to proceed with marriage or if they are not meant for each other.

[Priv]

Do you suggest she stays with him a few more weeks/months and give him false hope?

Maybe wait until he proposes a third time?

 

Where did you read I suggest that? By my saying that the apparently appropriate reaction to 'do you want to marry me' be 'that's nice hon, but I think we should other people'. I can imagine one needs to collect their thoughts and feelings on what to do before doing that; appropiate response or not. That has nothing to with stringing anyone along, and more to do with the emotional turmoil on the spot.

 

 

It is a moot point anyway.

 

 

He laid out everything, gave me his all, his heart, and I ripped it out, along with my own.

 

 

This pretty much tells what happened that night.

[xxoo]

I don't think a premature proposal is a reason to break up. Not even two premature proposals.

 

Maybe tell him to stop proposing, though? The ball's in your court, so to speak, to let him know if/when you change your mind of the marriage issue (should he choose to wait).

[Phoe]

I did end it.

 

He is not just letting me go. He showed up at my house last night. He texted me this morning saying he has something special for me tonight. I told him no!

 

He knew my conditions for accepting a proposal, and even while proposing, admitted that my conditions had not been met, but that if I accepted it would be with acknowledgement that he needed to have those conditions met by Jan 1st (his own timeline. I said nothing).

 

The #1 factor in this is financial instability. He is unwilling to put any more than $300 towards a wedding. He knows I never wanted a ceremony, but $300 won't even pay for food at a restaurant for a small reception. He is being very "oldschool" and claims he wants to pay for EVERYTHING himself, because he's the man. He does not want others contributing.

 

Heck, just this summer, I was paying some of his bills and putting gas in his car. I'm still working on the credit card debt i racked up for the bills.

 

Even the ring, upon second glance, appeared damaged. The diamond had a large crack deep inside it, when you looked closely, and the platinum had light burn marks from the welding. It was poorly made. He started off with saying the diamond was the highest quality available.

 

Where on earth did he buy this for some man to trick him into thinking it was flawless. He got ripped off. He clearly didn't inspect the ring either. It was visible to the naked eye easily. He clearly went somewhere shady. No reputable dealer would've sold that. Even the box had black smudges of dirt on the inside of it.

 

None of it felt special. I don't need fancy. I don't need grand gestures. I don't need expensive. But I would rather have no ring and him have money in the bank, than me have a damaged ring. I'd rather have no marriage at all, than get married at a courthouse and have a reception at sizzler (he was very serious about sizzler).

 

It was such a rushed attempt at all the wrong things. Gotta crawl before he can run.

 

Still, I feel like the worlds most ungrateful bitch.

[somedude81]

As much as you two love each other, you just aren't compatible.

 

Everyone on the forum could see that and we've been trying to tell you that for months.

 

Now it sounds like you got a real wake-up call.

 

Please don't feel ungrateful. You're not supposed to marry a guy because of how much effort he puts in. You shouldn't have any feelings of obligation.

 

Do what your heart tells you.

[ThaWholigan]

I did end it.

 

He is not just letting me go. He showed up at my house last night. He texted me this morning saying he has something special for me tonight. I told him no!

 

He knew my conditions for accepting a proposal, and even while proposing, admitted that my conditions had not been met, but that if I accepted it would be with acknowledgement that he needed to have those conditions met by Jan 1st (his own timeline. I said nothing).

 

The #1 factor in this is financial instability. He is unwilling to put any more than $300 towards a wedding. He knows I never wanted a ceremony, but $300 won't even pay for food at a restaurant for a small reception. He is being very "oldschool" and claims he wants to pay for EVERYTHING himself, because he's the man. He does not want others contributing.

 

Heck, just this summer, I was paying some of his bills and putting gas in his car. I'm still working on the credit card debt i racked up for the bills.

 

Even the ring, upon second glance, appeared damaged. The diamond had a large crack deep inside it, when you looked closely, and the platinum had light burn marks from the welding. It was poorly made. He started off with saying the diamond was the highest quality available.

 

Where on earth did he buy this for some man to trick him into thinking it was flawless. He got ripped off. He clearly didn't inspect the ring either. It was visible to the naked eye easily. He clearly went somewhere shady. No reputable dealer would've sold that. Even the box had black smudges of dirt on the inside of it.

 

None of it felt special. I don't need fancy. I don't need grand gestures. I don't need expensive. But I would rather have no ring and him have money in the bank, than me have a damaged ring. I'd rather have no marriage at all, than get married at a courthouse and have a reception at sizzler (he was very serious about sizzler).

 

It was such a rushed attempt at all the wrong things. Gotta crawl before he can run.

 

Still, I feel like the worlds most ungrateful bitch.

That's not being ungrateful, that's just having standards that aren't being met. Tough situation here, but it's the only outcome that could have come out of this.

[Keenly]

I have a great deal of respect for you for standing your ground.

 

 

 

I know it hurts to hurt the people we care about, but this was a necessary event in the course.of your life. It hurts now. It will hurt later, but inside you KNOW you did the right thing by saying no.

 

 

When you can look at the tracks ahead and see that the bridge is put and the tracks end in 5 miles, there is no need to hunker down and await the train wreck. You hopped off. It was necessary for both him and for you.

 

 

He was trying to rush into things, a common occurrence for this man it seems.

 

 

 

You won't know for a while, but when you get a marriage proposal from a man you really do want to marry, that's the moment you'll understand why you did what you did, and that moment will be the sweetest victory you will ever taste.

 

 

I'm proud of you my friend. Now get some ice cream. You've earned it. Mourn, but don't punish yourself. It was not something you did that caused this event. It was destined to be so.

[somedude81]

Seriously Sizzler?

 

LOL!

 

Sorry

[Mr Scorpio]

Still, I feel like the worlds most ungrateful bitch.

 

Your posts have demonstrated that you are compassionate, non-judgmental, non-materialistic, pro-active, industrious, and easy going.

 

An engagement should be a once in a life-time event. It should be an opportunity for your fella to demonstrate the depth of his devotion and love for you. It should be something that he wants to celebrate with friends and family, spending the money that requires, within reason.

 

Frankly, it sounds like the entire thing was rushed and superficial. An acknowledgment that he needed to have certain conditions satisfied by January first? I mean, yeah, marriage is literally a contract, but that strikes me as rather crass.

 

And then what if he hadn't met the condition by then? A refund on the sizzler deposit?

 

And the diamond? My goodness. I used to pour over dozens of necklaces, in person and online, before I found one worthy of my former sweetie. It was a fun thing to do! A fella shouldn't be buying a ring from the back of a Pontiac. He should have saved until he could have given you something appropriate.

 

Hell, I'd imagine you'd be severely disappointed even if you were going to say yes. Thumbs down all around to the clown that made Phoe frown.

[Shepp]

You aren't a terrible person Phoe. Terrible would have been saying yes with even a shred of doubt in your heart. Forever is nothing to be dealt with frivolously.

 

^ this, like 100 times!!

 

I get that it sucks, that both of you are hurting! But that the truth of it is that a good person, in your shoes, would have no other choice but to do what you did...there's no alternative, you can't make yourself be someone your not or feel something you don't! And it's being a good person that makes you know that to lead him on wouldn't be right!

 

Maybe it isn't the best analogy but I know that putting my old dog to sleep was awful, but it was totally the right thing to do, which didn't make it any less hard, I had that dog since I was 3 till I was 18, he was more of a brother than a pet in my eyes, but I can take comfort in the fact it was probably one of the very kindest things I ever did for him!

You know that in your heart - your doing the right thing for him and you, not the easy thing, but the right thing!

[StanMusial]

Why don't you give her some slack on the breaking up thing. She never mentioned if she did or not (but from being upset I can imagine she has). Even if she didn't, going from proposal to turning down proposal to immediately breaking up the same night is like going form 0 to 10000km in under a second.

 

She did the right thing.

 

IME people rarely bounce back from a spurned proposal. It sounds good to think "well let's work on it and try again". That's a big chasm to mend. Think about it for a while. How much has to change to make it right?

[Priv]

She did the right thing.

 

IME people rarely bounce back from a spurned proposal. It sounds good to think "well let's work on it and try again". That's a big chasm to mend. Think about it for a while. How much has to change to make it right?

 

Nope. Not going to think about it. Never said it was the wrong course of action not to. I said people should give her some slack for not doing it on the spot if it happened that way. I also believe I was the only one with enough insight to say it was a moot point as Phoe already did.

 

 

is a moot point anyway.

 

 

This pretty much tells what happened that night.

 

 

Anyway, Phoe. You are not an ungrateful bitch for needing more than this. This just wasn't in the stars. Still sucks big time though.

[BC1980]

He knew my conditions for accepting a proposal, and even while proposing, admitted that my conditions had not been met, but that if I accepted it would be with acknowledgement that he needed to have those conditions met by Jan 1st (his own timeline. I said nothing).

 

Financial stability is a very reasonable condition, but I'm more concerned that he disregarded your condition. It's as if he feels he knows best when, in fact, you are able to make your own decisions. If you want a financially stable partner before committing to marriage, that is your choice (and it's a wise one). I think I would feel very disrespected in your position, but you are conflicted because he does love you. It's not very fair at all what he did. He ignored your condition of financial stability, and, now, you feel badly because it was a gesture from the heart and he emptied his bank account.

 

I think he is pushing your boundaries, and you are very strong to stand your ground. I also would be concerned that he can't pay his bills but yet can buy a ring. Something isn't adding up here. Why are his bills on your credit card? I would not pay a person's bills unless we were already married or living together. I just creates a lot of problems and hard feelings.

[somedude81]

I also would be concerned that he can't pay his bills but yet can buy a ring. Something isn't adding up here.

Why are his bills on your credit card?

With his bills on her credit card, she may as well have bought the ring herself.

[amaysngrace]

From experience the more the guy rushes the relationship along and pushes for commitment the worse he is as a long-term partner.

 

In a way it's like they can only keep up the good-guy act for so long or something. And then the real them comes out.

 

Good for you Phoe. I think you made a very wise decision.

[beach]

I did end it.

 

He is not just letting me go. He showed up at my house last night. He texted me this morning saying he has something special for me tonight. I told him no!

 

He knew my conditions for accepting a proposal, and even while proposing, admitted that my conditions had not been met, but that if I accepted it would be with acknowledgement that he needed to have those conditions met by Jan 1st (his own timeline. I said nothing).

 

The #1 factor in this is financial instability. He is unwilling to put any more than $300 towards a wedding. He knows I never wanted a ceremony, but $300 won't even pay for food at a restaurant for a small reception. He is being very "oldschool" and claims he wants to pay for EVERYTHING himself, because he's the man. He does not want others contributing.

 

Heck, just this summer, I was paying some of his bills and putting gas in his car. I'm still working on the credit card debt i racked up for the bills.

 

Even the ring, upon second glance, appeared damaged. The diamond had a large crack deep inside it, when you looked closely, and the platinum had light burn marks from the welding. It was poorly made. He started off with saying the diamond was the highest quality available.

 

Where on earth did he buy this for some man to trick him into thinking it was flawless. He got ripped off. He clearly didn't inspect the ring either. It was visible to the naked eye easily. He clearly went somewhere shady. No reputable dealer would've sold that. Even the box had black smudges of dirt on the inside of it.

 

None of it felt special. I don't need fancy. I don't need grand gestures. I don't need expensive. But I would rather have no ring and him have money in the bank, than me have a damaged ring. I'd rather have no marriage at all, than get married at a courthouse and have a reception at sizzler (he was very serious about sizzler).

 

It was such a rushed attempt at all the wrong things. Gotta crawl before he can run.

 

Still, I feel like the worlds most ungrateful bitch.

 

I'm proud of you Phoe - for doing what's right for yourself... And for being clear with him that you don't intend to believe things will be right just by bringing by something "special".

 

If he was doing the right thing he would be paying you back the money you had to put on your credit cards this past summer. Plus he should be reimbursing you the approximate 20% interest your charged by credit cards.

 

 

Never settle Phoe. Never. Stay strong. You deserve the best.

[Gloria25]

 

Heck, just this summer, I was paying some of his bills and putting gas in his car. I'm still working on the credit card debt i racked up for the bills.

 

So, the "financial instability" is more than his inability to pay for a wedding?

[ascendotum]

From experience the more the guy rushes the relationship along and pushes for commitment the worse he is as a long-term partner.

 

In a way it's like they can only keep up the good-guy act for so long or something. And then the real them comes out.

 

Good for you Phoe. I think you made a very wise decision.

 

Looking at a few guys I know who rushed proposals, I would say there was an element of this but also...

* they had trouble dating and were desperate to find someone or get hitched like all their friends or pressure from the parents, but they were not phoney good guys.

* they lucked out on finding a sweet pretty woman and wanted to lock her in before the honeymoon phase wore off. Again they were not phoney good guys but struggled a bit with dating but they got a woman better than they expected and wanted to take no chances she would drift away from them or find someone better or get disenchanted with them living together after a while.

 

I fully agree with your last comment. She did the right thing. At least he did not propose at a big party in front of a stack of people. I don't think its wrong to be in a relationship and enjoy time together with someone you know is not long term material as long as you don't lead them on and and keep in mind your own objectives and timelines.

[littleblackheart]

I know exactly what you're going through Phoe - I went through it, what seems like a million years ago.

 

 

My boyfriend at the time proposed to me twice: the first time on the beach at sunset after 8 months together (an impulse proposal - the setting was ideal and we'd just declared our feelings for each other). We were both fresh out of university so not very stable (financially or otherwise), I obviously said no although to be honest, part of me almost got swept away by the moment; the intention touched me so much that I chose to look at it as an over-the-top romantic gesture rather than a sign of things to come (he seemed to be happy with that at the time), and we carried on with the relationship, but the seeds of doubt were already planted, and from that day I started to wonder whether he was in fact the one for me.

 

 

Fast-track 10 months of an on-off relationship, and he proposed again, this time on bended knee with what looked like a nice ring - I was so blindsided that I didn't really take a proper look. I said no and ended it there and then because I knew it was the only thing to do - he was a good guy albeit a bit bad-tempered, and my gut instinct told me right then that this wasn't something I was prepared to live with for the rest of my life. He was distraught.

 

 

This was 9 years ago. I have absolutely no regret but even now I try not to think about it too much because the thought of the pain I caused him that day still makes me physically sick - that doesn't really go away, but it does get better with time.

 

 

I've not seen him since (I had to move on from him completely, for his sake as well as my sanity) but I hear he is now happily married with 3 children.

 

 

He moved on - so will your ex, eventually.

 

 

You have my thoughts, and a very big hug.

[StanMusial]

Looking at a few guys I know who rushed proposals, I would say there was an element of this but also...

* they had trouble dating and were desperate to find someone or get hitched like all their friends or pressure from the parents, but they were not phoney good guys.

* they lucked out on finding a sweet pretty woman and wanted to lock her in before the honeymoon phase wore off. Again they were not phoney good guys but struggled a bit with dating but they got a woman better than they expected and wanted to take no chances she would drift away from them or find someone better or get disenchanted with them living together after a while.

 

I fully agree with your last comment. She did the right thing. At least he did not propose at a big party in front of a stack of people. I don't think its wrong to be in a relationship and enjoy time together with someone you know is not long term material as long as you don't lead them on and and keep in mind your own objectives and timelines.

 

I agree. One buddy of mine proposed to his wife after a three month whirlwind romance. That guy did not date much at all - he definitely struggled. He's now 10 years married with 2 kids.

 

I will add, people come in and out of your life. Timing is huge. I know plenty of girls that got swept up in the idea of marriage and were soon divorced when the realities of life settled in.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I did end it.

 

He is not just letting me go. He showed up at my house last night. He texted me this morning saying he has something special for me tonight. I told him no!

 

The guy is persistent but to be honest, based on everything you've said about him, he sounds like an idiot and the kind of guy that does this.

 

He knew my conditions for accepting a proposal, and even while proposing, admitted that my conditions had not been met, but that if I accepted it would be with acknowledgement that he needed to have those conditions met by Jan 1st (his own timeline. I said nothing).

 

Which means he's really not LISTENING to what you're saying, let alone comprehending it...he sounds very unreliable, and unable to actually fulfill on his promises/goals.

 

The #1 factor in this is financial instability. He is unwilling to put any more than $300 towards a wedding. He knows I never wanted a ceremony, but $300 won't even pay for food at a restaurant for a small reception. He is being very "oldschool" and claims he wants to pay for EVERYTHING himself, because he's the man. He does not want others contributing.

 

Financial stability is a very relevant consideration. He doesn't have to be rich..let's get rid of that extreme exaggeration because you never seemed like the type that would go for a guy just for that from what you've said on here..but he already sounds childish and and again...like more of an idiot, he has these principles but he cannot fulfill them and probably doesn't even know why he has them...does he have a confederate flag hanging off his truck antenna by any chance?

 

Heck, just this summer, I was paying some of his bills and putting gas in his car. I'm still working on the credit card debt i racked up for the bills.

 

And yet look at whom the burden falls to...not much of a surprise. Guess who would be playing mommy for the rest of his life?

 

Even the ring, upon second glance, appeared damaged. The diamond had a large crack deep inside it, when you looked closely, and the platinum had light burn marks from the welding. It was poorly made. He started off with saying the diamond was the highest quality available.

 

Where on earth did he buy this for some man to trick him into thinking it was flawless. He got ripped off. He clearly didn't inspect the ring either. It was visible to the naked eye easily. He clearly went somewhere shady. No reputable dealer would've sold that. Even the box had black smudges of dirt on the inside of it.

 

Why were you dating this guy again?

 

To question his actions would be like questioning why a dog licks his nuts...it just does, it doesn't need to be observed or analyzed beyond that.

 

So he's a liar and he's cheap...great. He knows where he got the ring and he knows it isn't of the "highest quality"...he just hopes you're dumb enough to believe it and to appreciate the "sentimental value"...I'm sure he plays that up all day, how meaningful things are to him...but the reality doesn't reflect that.

 

That man is incompetent.

 

None of it felt special. I don't need fancy. I don't need grand gestures. I don't need expensive. But I would rather have no ring and him have money in the bank, than me have a damaged ring. I'd rather have no marriage at all, than get married at a courthouse and have a reception at sizzler (he was very serious about sizzler).

 

It was such a rushed attempt at all the wrong things. Gotta crawl before he can run.

 

Still, I feel like the worlds most ungrateful bitch.

 

I don't even know why you're interested in this guy. Wherever you live, you need to get out of there. I know you've said that you struggle in the dating world but I'm sure it has more to do with where you live than anything else, I think I've seen you comment here in defense of women not having high expectations...carrying that banner around here, but I don't think much of what you say on here is based off the "typical" scenario because you're out in the sticks somewhere from the sound of it.

 

I don't know how you could feel like the most ungrateful bitch, this guys sounds like a moron to be frank. Maybe you're just too kind or forgiving of a person, maybe you just feel like you've got to settle for a guy who accepts you or something like that...but the reality is you could do quite a bit better than this guy.

 

And I don't even mean just financially, all around he just sounds incompetent. If you're going to settle, at least settle for someone with a bit more going on in the head.

[Maleficent]

The guy is persistent but to be honest, based on everything you've said about him, he sounds like an idiot and the kind of guy that does this.

 

 

 

Which means he's really not LISTENING to what you're saying, let alone comprehending it...he sounds very unreliable, and unable to actually fulfill on his promises/goals.

 

 

I disagree with this. They have been together until now, and if I remember correctly, they lived together.

Now he proposes, she says no and breaks up with him.

 

This guy is not only heartbroken, he is probably very confused.

 

I'm sorry Phoe is going through this, but let's not make this poor guy the bad guy of the story (not implying Phoe is either.)

[Targetlock]

if he is deep down not the right guy for you then you did the right thing, no matter how painful it is