He proposed.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have a strong feeling that this is not "the end"

[gaius]

I think this is his way of trying to break up with you. He knows you're not for him either but you've been so good to him he can't just dump you. He will keep doing things to drive you away but try and keep you at the same time. You're gonna have to be the strong one in the end and give him what he really wants.

[Phoe]

I disagree with this. They have been together until now, and if I remember correctly, they lived together.

Now he proposes, she says no and breaks up with him.)

 

No, we never lived together.

 

That was one of my conditions for considering marriage. That we had to live together first. I'm not gonna agree to marriage when I don't even know what it's like to live with him, day in and day out.

 

And the reason we don't live together, is because he financially could not afford it, and because he could not leave his mom. He wanted me to marry him and move in with him and his mom. I refused to accept that.

 

He told me if I accepted the engagement, he would be packing up and moving out on January 1st.

[Phoe]

I think this is his way of trying to break up with you. He knows you're not for him either but you've been so good to him he can't just dump you. He will keep doing things to drive you away but try and keep you at the same time. You're gonna have to be the strong one in the end and give him what he really wants.

 

I don't think so.

 

He's still fighting to get me back. Saying I should give it a few weeks and not make hasty decisions so quickly after denying the proposal.

 

I guess he was even so distraught at work, on the verge of tears, that his manager had to pull him out.

[mammasita]

Very very brave, smart and the absolute right thing to do Phoe even though I know that's not how you feel right now.

[writergal]

Phoe I'm so sorry this happened but you did the right thing. Once you heal from the pain, you will see that he wasn't the right guy for you. Nothing in his life was stable. Marrying an unstable person is like lighting a stick of dynamite that you're still holding. It will destroy you in the end. No matter what platitudes he makes, do not let him back into your life. You followed your gut which is always the right thing to do.

[StanMusial]

No, we never lived together.

 

That was one of my conditions for considering marriage. That we had to live together first. I'm not gonna agree to marriage when I don't even know what it's like to live with him, day in and day out.

 

And the reason we don't live together, is because he financially could not afford it, and because he could not leave his mom. He wanted me to marry him and move in with him and his mom. I refused to accept that.

 

He told me if I accepted the engagement, he would be packing up and moving out on January 1st.

 

Whew. Watch out.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is the actual tough part. It's obvious the guy isn't giving up soon and it fits the profile perfectly based on everything he's done...he's completely transparent at this point and if he didn't do that then he'd be out of character.

 

He will start the guilt trip, he will tell her what a wreck he's been and how he can't live without her, and he'll make promises he can't keep...saying he'll change, probably do something drastic to convince her of it...

 

She'll start to miss him, start to have feelings of doubt as he pulls at every emotional string possible...breaking her down and piece by piece he'll chip away at that wall she has up and those romantic feelings will start to flow in...the empathy and sympathy from the "guilt" and "pain" she's caused him, the way he wants to be with her so much...because if only he could change...if only he did this and that would he be almost "perfect" and then maybe...maybe, it could work. And she could reason and live with herself with being with such a pathetic guy....because maybe she'll never find another guy like that.

 

But it's obvious she doesn't have those same feelings for him, it's obvious she wants to let him go...the only real question is that...is she strong enough?

[Standard-Fare]

I have NONE of the history on this relationship, but I have to admit it made my heart ache a little to hear about this guy's genuine attempt at a proposal, and your dismissal of it for various money-related reasons.

 

Not saying that financial stability isn't important, not saying that you don't deserve something a little more "special."

 

But I hope you don't look back at this one day and see a guy who truly loved you and wanted to spend his life with you -- who you rejected because he didn't have the means yet to give you a fancy ring or a wedding with fanfare. One day maybe you'll realize that those things aren't that important.

 

However, I assume you two have had ongoing problems with his financial status and inability to carry his own weight. My only question there is, if this is such a dealbreaker for you, why did you allow it to build up to the point where he's down on one knee? Why didn't you cut the cord sooner?

[carhill]

IMO, if a proposal is made, and refused, I would consider it 'the end', as relationships progress, not regress. If the gentleman doesn't take no for an answer, simply go NC. This isn't a Cary Grant movie where his humor charm and dashing good looks eventually win over the reluctant object of his pursuit. Rather, it's a modern couple who've slept together, had sex together, had a relationship together and there's a clear refusal, for cause, to be married. Over and done. I hope the OP remains firm in her decision and moves on. I think that's the healthy thing to do.

[somedude81]

I don't think so.

 

He's still fighting to get me back. Saying I should give it a few weeks and not make hasty decisions so quickly after denying the proposal.

 

I guess he was even so distraught at work, on the verge of tears, that his manager had to pull him out.

Have you sat him down and talked to him about why you ended the relationship?

 

It seems like he needs things to be very clear and spelled out.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Phoe, if you really meant to end the relationship...then end it. Why are you still having contact with him? You're only making it worse for him by allowing him to have hope. Do you really know what you want?

[StanMusial]

IMO, if a proposal is made, and refused, I would consider it 'the end', as relationships progress, not regress. If the gentleman doesn't take no for an answer, simply go NC. This isn't a Cary Grant movie where his humor charm and dashing good looks eventually win over the reluctant object of his pursuit. Rather, it's a modern couple who've slept together, had sex together, had a relationship together and there's a clear refusal, for cause, to be married. Over and done. I hope the OP remains firm in her decision and moves on. I think that's the healthy thing to do.

 

This is one of those things you don't come back from. Like a racehorse that breaks his leg.

 

Take Old Paint behind the stable and put him down. Next stop: glue factory.

[Phoe]

I have NONE of the history on this relationship, but I have to admit it made my heart ache a little to hear about this guy's genuine attempt at a proposal, and your dismissal of it for various money-related reasons

 

But I hope you don't look back at this one day and see a guy who truly loved you and wanted to spend his life with you -- who you rejected because he didn't have the means yet to give you a fancy ring or a wedding with fanfare. One day maybe you'll realize that those things aren't that important.

 

I'm don't have high expectations at all. Which is probably why I'm struggling so much with feeling extremely ungrateful.

 

I am definitely very fearful of regretting this. And he tried using that against me. Telling me I would regret it, that I'm just a scared little girl.

 

But I told him I'm not afraid of being alone. And that's the truth.

 

Have you sat him down and talked to him about why you ended the relationship?.

 

He knows how i feel. He just point blank disagrees with my feelings. Says I'm too in my own head.

 

Phoe, if you really meant to end the relationship...then end it. Why are you still having contact with him? You're only making it worse for him by allowing him to have hope. Do you really know what you want?

 

Well, he showed up at my house. Nor do I even know how to block someone. Last time I wanted to block someone on my phone, my carrier needed to go through this huge hassle.

 

I'm not prepared to block him though. I'll admit that much. He'd likely show up at my house or work.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Phoe]

IMO, if a proposal is made, and refused, I would consider it 'the end'.

 

This is how I feel.

 

That there's no coming back from this, it's broken.

 

He disagrees and is trying to tell me that I shouldn't make hasty decisions after such an emotional event.

 

Time won't fix it though.

[Mr Scorpio]

I'm not prepared to block him though. I'll admit that much. He'd likely show up at my house or work.

 

You may never have to so long as you are consistent in your position. Once he realizes that you aren't going to change your mind, he may go away. Stay strong.

[Phoe]

You may never have to so long as you are consistent in your position. Once he realizes that you aren't going to change your mind, he may go away. Stay strong.

 

I can handle him texting. I don't answer phone calls.

 

But him in person would be much harder to deal with.

 

He's as stubborn as I am.

[somedude81]

This is how I feel.

 

That there's no coming back from this, it's broken.

 

He disagrees and is trying to tell me that I shouldn't make hasty decisions after such an emotional event.

 

Time won't fix it though.

 

You are right about that.

 

Breaking up with him is the only thing you can do after rejecting the proposal. Honestly, I don't know why he is still around.

 

If I asked a girl I loved to marry me, and she said no. I'd be devastated. That would be it.

[Phoe]

He will start the guilt trip, he will tell her what a wreck he's been and how he can't live without her, and he'll make promises he can't keep...saying he'll change, probably do something drastic to convince her of it...

 

More like scare tactics...

 

Telling me I'll regret it, that no one will love me like he does. That I'm the one that's a wreck, that im a narcissist. He's picking at my insecurities to get me scared.

 

As much as I am scared all the things he said are true, none of it matters, because I'm not scared of being alone. That's something I can do just fine.

[Mr Scorpio]

I can handle him texting. I don't answer phone calls. But him in person would be much harder to deal with. He's as stubborn as I am.

 

Strange. I would think that he would be devastated, listening to "The Wall" over and over and not eating anything. I'm guessing that he truly believes that he can, and will, win you back.

 

 

More like scare tactics...

That I'm the one that's a wreck, that im a narcissist. He's picking at my insecurities to get me scared.

 

That sounds like projection. And emotional abuse. No way to make a compelling case, either logically or emotionally.

[johan]

It sounds pretty rough. But at least you can count on the sincere support of some real friends here on LS.

[Phoe]

It sounds pretty rough. But at least you can count on the sincere support of some real friends here on LS.

 

I sincerely hope you're not being sarcastic, but you probably are

[somedude81]

I sincerely hope you're not being sarcastic, but you probably are

 

Phoe you do have friends here.

 

Just look at how much support you receive.

 

We want you to be happy.

 

Sure there are some bad apples, but they aren't the majority.

[MissBee]

I did end it.

 

He is not just letting me go. He showed up at my house last night. He texted me this morning saying he has something special for me tonight. I told him no!

 

He knew my conditions for accepting a proposal, and even while proposing, admitted that my conditions had not been met, but that if I accepted it would be with acknowledgement that he needed to have those conditions met by Jan 1st (his own timeline. I said nothing).

 

The #1 factor in this is financial instability. He is unwilling to put any more than $300 towards a wedding. He knows I never wanted a ceremony, but $300 won't even pay for food at a restaurant for a small reception. He is being very "oldschool" and claims he wants to pay for EVERYTHING himself, because he's the man. He does not want others contributing.

 

Heck, just this summer, I was paying some of his bills and putting gas in his car. I'm still working on the credit card debt i racked up for the bills.

 

Even the ring, upon second glance, appeared damaged. The diamond had a large crack deep inside it, when you looked closely, and the platinum had light burn marks from the welding. It was poorly made. He started off with saying the diamond was the highest quality available.

 

Where on earth did he buy this for some man to trick him into thinking it was flawless. He got ripped off. He clearly didn't inspect the ring either. It was visible to the naked eye easily. He clearly went somewhere shady. No reputable dealer would've sold that. Even the box had black smudges of dirt on the inside of it.

 

None of it felt special. I don't need fancy. I don't need grand gestures. I don't need expensive. But I would rather have no ring and him have money in the bank, than me have a damaged ring. I'd rather have no marriage at all, than get married at a courthouse and have a reception at sizzler (he was very serious about sizzler).

 

It was such a rushed attempt at all the wrong things. Gotta crawl before he can run.

 

Still, I feel like the worlds most ungrateful bitch.

 

Marriage isn't about gratefulness Phoe. You don't marry someone to do them a favor or them you.

 

You marry because you want to spend your life with them and feel like you can make a GOOD life together.

 

Admittedly, I've never been a fan of your bf based on the stuff you've told us. It seemed like you tried to really convince yourself things were good and I figured they would improve and you'd prove us all wrong or they would stay the same and hopefully you'd realize you deserve more.

 

Marriage and relationships are about a lot more than being fond of someone and clearly the basics required for a life together are missing with this guy. You shouldn't feel ungrateful for having standards. It's not about money or rings clearly but a host of other issues they stand in for that have been ongoing and you're not wrong for standing up for what you need.

[somedude81]

Then just focus on the people that you know are sincere.

 

Everyone else that talks crap isn't worth your time. I pretty much ignore 60% of the posts in my threads since most of those are from people I know aren't worth reading.

 

Regardless of what the people say on here, you have to be firm in your convictions. We aren't the ones who would have married him if we all told you that you made a mistake. This was a major life decision that only you can make. The only thing we can do is support you.