Sub Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Regarding a revenge affair: I think its a wonderful idea. What better way to show the WS what it feels like? It also can force everyone's hand as to divorce - which is a good thing in my opinion. I'll pass, thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Meatballsmom Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 drifter7 Nine posts previous, she wrote how she caught him in a RA shortly after he caught her, and the pain that she felt. She Gets it Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I don't think they ever will get it. They were the betrayer, not the betrayee. For me, I think if the person "got it" they would of never cheated in the first place, since..how could you not realize what you are doing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) It's not "not getting it." It's not thinking about it or thinking about it in a way that does not include the BS as such. If there's an EA, it seems to focus on the individuals' being in love, i.e, SO in love, SO right for each other. If it's just PA, it's just that. No thought. Just gonads. Seems they have to go through the pain of watching the BS suffer to get it or, as some have posted, the fear of the reality of losing the spouse. But neither is "getting it." As suggested, if they'd had that much ability to empathize, they would not have strayed in the first place. Edited October 19, 2014 by merrmeade Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 It's not "not getting it." It's not thinking about it or thinking about it in a way that does not include the BS as such. If there's an EA, it seems to focus on the individuals' being in love, i.e, SO in love, SO right for each other. If it's just PA, it's just that. No thought. Just gonads. Seems they have to go through the pain of watching the BS suffer to get it or, as some have posted, the fear of the reality of losing the spouse. But neither is "getting it." As suggested, if they'd had that much ability to empathize, they would not have strayed in the first place. But thinking about it in a way that does not include your spouse is totally someone NOT getting it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 This thread is amazingly topical for me. I thought H had 'got it'. He certainly gives that impression. It took about 6 months for him to get his head out of his arse, stop thinking about the affair as a doomed love story and start to see it as a the sordid little gropefest it was and that he really had had risked his marriage for nothing. Once that had happened he changed and started to be able to comfort and reassure me properly. BUT.... recently I think he really HAS got it. One of his closest friends, one he has known for years, has recently discovered that his wife of 20 years has been having an affair for over a year. Seeing it from the outside, watching the pain and anger and confusion of the betrayed, without the fog of his own guilt and fear, has made it possible for him to properly get it. I think it's been like a dagger in his heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meandmycats Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 I am still not sure that she ever did 'get it' in the true sense of understanding the devastation she caused, but she gets what she has lost through her behaviour. Whether that's getting anything or not remains anathema to me. I wish her a better life, but I don't think she'll ever really be trustworthy in her relationships. |It's hard to trust again isn't it? But, my Mum taught me that you can't hang on to it for fear it might happen again, so I let it go. Now I have a truly amazing partner whom I trust implicitly, and it feels wonderful. Never thought I ever would again. She's amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 (edited) The more optimistic, idealistic side of me would like to think that some do and some don't. Also, it's different for every BS, so it's hard to generalize something like that. However, the more scientific side of me knows that if you can do it, you probably don't have the capacity to really understand what you did. Cheating is not something that someone does, it's part of who they are (excluding drunken ONS and some other circumstances like revenge affairs.) Most therapists don't really believe that personality disordered people can be cured. Managed, maybe, but cured, not so much. I think that applies times 100 if you have kids with the partner. I mean, to so selfishly throw away the security they have, to be able to look at them and see your partner's characteristics, wow. That requires a different kind of pathology that I don't think can be cured. It's just such an indicator of a lack of empathy, forethought and self control. At that point, it's no longer infidelity, it's child abuse. Edited October 22, 2014 by HereNorThere 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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