Do they ever get what they've really done?

[Sub]

Maybe the only way for them to TRULY 'get it' is to make them become a BS themselves...

 

Sickly and sadly, I've had my fair share of revenge fantasies regarding this in the wake of His Affair

 

I used to think about this a lot, about how to get my WS to understand it. It was one of the more frustrating aspects of our R early on, her telling me should couldn't put herself in my position to understand how I was feeling. She always said,"I can't understand you because I wouldn't be in your position. I wouldn't take you back." Which of course led me to question if she lost respect for me because I wanted to R with her, in an odd twist of mind-f*ckery. Not sure if it's abnormal, but revenge was never a thought. I see how it can be, and I've definitely been curious about whether or not I could look her in the face and say "I love you." an hour after I've just woken up next to someone else. But I just let go of the possibility that she was going to get it. It stopped being necessary.

[ComingInHot]

I totally agree with above posts and it isn't something I could pull off and still look at myself in the mirror let alone live with myself.

I was just considering the HOW does a WS 'get' what they've truly done TO the BS and the whole they have to walk a mile in our shoes came to mind.

 

But like I wrote earlier, He gets it about as much as he ever will I suspect.

[Snowflower]

I used to think about this a lot, about how to get my WS to understand it. It was one of the more frustrating aspects of our R early on, her telling me should couldn't put herself in my position to understand how I was feeling. She always said,"I can't understand you because I wouldn't be in your position. I wouldn't take you back." Which of course led me to question if she lost respect for me because I wanted to R with her, in an odd twist of mind-f*ckery. Not sure if it's abnormal, but revenge was never a thought. I see how it can be, and I've definitely been curious about whether or not I could look her in the face and say "I love you." an hour after I've just woken up next to someone else. But I just let go of the possibility that she was going to get it. It stopped being necessary.

 

My H said much the same thing although he didn't say that for a long time.

 

In other words that my taking him back was my choice but it wouldn't have been his if the situations were reversed.

 

And while I didn't realize this for a long time, I think it caused him to lose respect for me. Although I have to say that most WS don't really have respect for their BS in the first place if they are able to cheat on them.

 

It's okay though. I was glad I gave it another go just to know I did everything that I could because I loved him and still do. Even more importantly, staying together gave our kids a few more years of stability until they grew up and left home. Now, all bets are off and I'm ready to go!

[nightmare01]

[...]

Do they actually get "it" ?

No

I don't think its possible to explain to other people.

I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it "gets" it.

But ...

Of all people they probably get more of it then most....

 

A remorseful WS would probably get more of it than most.. but many WS only get as far as regret. Many never make it to remorse because that requires empathy, and I think that if a person has empathy then they are less likely to cheat. So those WS who have empathy and get to remorse are IMO rare.

 

Regarding revenge.. Of course I've thought about it. I think we all probably have. For me though, I'm just not that kind of person.

 

Early in my M I came close to having an affair. A girl at worked let me know in NO uncertain terms that she wanted to be with me. She was attractive and funny and I enjoyed being around her. BUT my conscience was SCREAMING at me every time I would talk to her, and in the end I just couldn't take all that noise in my head and cut off seeing her.

 

I had empathy and thought about what being with this woman would do to not just my wife and marriage, but how it would affect me, and I just could not do it.

 

Back to WS "getting it".

 

Being betrayed is a life altering event. It rocks your entire life right down to the foundations. In many cases it cracks those foundations - and causes us to change profoundly. Being betrayed destroyed much about who I was and changed who I am at a very core level.

 

I think that no one can ever understand that level of devastation and the consequences of it unless they have experienced it themselves.

 

@Sunflower:

My H said much the same thing although he didn't say that for a long time.

 

In other words that my taking him back was my choice but it wouldn't have been his if the situations were reversed.

 

And while I didn't realize this for a long time, I think it caused him to lose respect for me. Although I have to say that most WS don't really have respect for their BS in the first place if they are able to cheat on them.

 

My WW said the same thing to me after Dday, and maybe she doesn't respect the strength it took to reconcile with her... although I think she does appreciate it because she is much better off with me than she would have been on her own. (her OM was M and would not have left his family for her)

 

The thing is that I have a lot of boundaries around what I will and will not accept in terms of my WW's behavior. D is definitely on the table in my view, and it won't take much to set it off. So if she acts disrespectful of me, then D will definitely happen. So far though, I've not seen any sign of it.

Edited October 16, 2014 by nightmare01

[BetrayedH]

Maybe the only way for them to TRULY 'get it' is to make them become a BS themselves...

 

I don't think my wife got it at all after my RA. It just helped alleviate her guilt. If anyone learned anything, it was I that learned how to be a WS, which sucks.

[Sub]

...and the whole they have to walk a mile in our shoes came to mind.(

 

Definitely. But you can't bring yourself to make them take that walk, can you? And you wish THEY had that sort of foresight before they got so deep into it, so you wouldn't be in the position of wanting them to understand and "get it". I realized what I wanted more than her understanding was something I couldn't have: that she considered the potential damage BEFORE that first night out together, that weekend together, etc.

[ComingInHot]

I don't think my wife got it at all after my RA. It just helped alleviate her guilt. If anyone learned anything, it was I that learned how to be a WS, which sucks.

 

 

Yeah but your exW is nuts

[dichotomy]

Maybe the only way for them to TRULY 'get it' is to make them become a BS themselves...

 

Sickly and sadly, I've had my fair share of revenge fantasies regarding this in the wake of His Affair

 

As mentioned before, my wife has stated if I cheated she would be horrified and crushed - because I am the superman-super boyscout and for me to cheat would mean I despised/hated her. Her cheating was not so bad because she did love me and all of them.

 

I never considered cheating as a form of revenge. But I will confess something not so good, something my wife does not understand. All this time in arguments and debates on sex, love, honesty, faithfulness, trusts, betrayal and trying to get her to understand what she did and the ongoing issues in our marriage ....It has worn me down, taken me down....... I no longer have such a high view on faithfulness anymore. That boyscout is dead - from exhaustion in saving her and with no reward for it. I often think now - why not cheat? and that is another hidden part of her not getting what she has really done.

Edited October 16, 2014 by dichotomy

[ComingInHot]

As mentioned before, my wife has stated if I cheated she would be horrified and crushed - because I am the superman-super boyscout and for me to cheat would mean I despised/hated her. Her cheating was not so bad because she did love me and all of them.

 

I never considered cheating as a form of revenge. But I will confess something not so good, something my wife does not understand. All this time in arguments and debates on sex, love, honesty, faithfulness, trusts, betrayal and trying to get her to understand what she did and the ongoing issues in our marriage ....It has worn me down, taken me down....... I no longer have such a high view on faithfulness anymore. That boyscout is dead - from exhaustion in saving her and with no reward for it. I often think now - why not cheat? and that is another hidden part of her not getting what she has done to me.

 

See, I get that big D(ichotomy), but as much as you might think about it, maybe that boyscout just won't let you because of what it would do to You (and to me).

Probably the only reason He gets it, is because I no longer 'want it'... still hurts though... oh well, "gotta be tough" when dealing with this sh$t I guess.

[BetrayedH]

Yeah but your exW is nuts

 

Got me laughing out loud on that one. Thanks CiH.

[Snowflower]

See, I get that big D(ichotomy), but as much as you might think about it, maybe that boyscout just won't let you because of what it would do to You (and to me).

Probably the only reason He gets it, is because I no longer 'want it'... still hurts though... oh well, "gotta be tough" when dealing with this sh$t I guess.

 

Yeah, I couldn't have done an RA either for a lot of reasons.

 

CIH, if I may, what do you mean when you say the only reason he gets it is because you no longer want it? I'm wondering if you're facing the same thing as me?

[ComingInHot]

Yeah, I couldn't have done an RA either for a lot of reasons.

 

CIH, if I may, what do you mean when you say the only reason he gets it is because you no longer want it? I'm wondering if you're facing the same thing as me?

 

 

I haven't really posted much about because at the end of the day it make me feel like a failure but, I've ended the M. Official on or close to 11/7.

And as of Tuesday, I've cut off the sex.

 

By the way, if I become 'irritable' for lack of a better term, ya'll just let me know.

[Snowflower]

I haven't really posted much about because at the end of the day it make me feel like a failure but, I've ended the M. Official on or close to 11/7.

And as of Tuesday, I've cut off the sex.

 

By the way, if I become 'irritable' for lack of a better term, ya'll just let me know.

 

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to call you out, CIH. Please accept my apology.

 

My marriage is ending too. After nearly 6 years past d-day, I finally realized it wasn't going to work.

 

As for the other part, yeah, that is difficult.

[BetrayedH]

My marriage is ending too. After nearly 6 years past d-day, I finally realized it wasn't going to work.

 

Wowser. That's two here in as many weeks. I wish you both well on your new journeys.

[HermioneG]

I haven't really posted much about because at the end of the day it make me feel like a failure but, I've ended the M. Official on or close to 11/7.

And as of Tuesday, I've cut off the sex.

 

By the way, if I become 'irritable' for lack of a better term, ya'll just let me know.

 

I am so sorry, but you tried as hard as you could. There was no failure on your part. I hope the future brings you much peace and happiness.

[HermioneG]

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to call you out, CIH. Please accept my apology.

 

My marriage is ending too. After nearly 6 years past d-day, I finally realized it wasn't going to work.

 

As for the other part, yeah, that is difficult.

 

Peace and happiness to you, too. I wish you the absolute best as you move forward.

[ComingInHot]

No worries at all

Took me just about 4 yrs to realize I don't want to live with His remorse and regret.

 

And read around here at the success stories post D** like BH for example and lots of others. We are not at the end of our stories but the beginning of our sequals!

 

...I personally don't like to talk abbout all the garbage and drama so I go on little benders where I can't sleep or eat for a few days, then everything goes back to just fine. I hate that he hurts. It kills me.

But it will hurt more if I stay because he just 'DIDN'T GET IT' in time...

[Snowflower]

Well, we'll see if my post-d life if a success story. This was a long,slow time coming. I tried everything I could. He still doesn't get it.

 

I kept hoping that he would return to that same man he was pre-affair. But he is gone.

 

I'm still in the being overwhelmed stage.

 

CIH, I wish mine would be hurt like yours was/is. Instead,he goes along like I am the one with the problem. I wouldn't want to see him hurting though either.

 

Sorry for the thread jack. But no, my husband never got what he did to me.

[ComingInHot]

Well, we'll see if my post-d life if a success story. This was a long,slow time coming. I tried everything I could. He still doesn't get it.

 

I kept hoping that he would return to that same man he was pre-affair. But he is gone.

 

I'm still in the being overwhelmed stage.

 

CIH, I wish mine would be hurt like yours was/is. Instead,he goes along like I am the one with the problem. I wouldn't want to see him hurting though either.

 

Sorry for the thread jack. But no, my husband never got what he did to me.

 

Feel free to PM me. I'm here for you*

[merrmeade]

See, I get that big D(ichotomy), but as much as you might think about it, maybe that boyscout just won't let you because of what it would do to You (and to me).

Probably the only reason He gets it, is because I no longer 'want it'... still hurts though... oh well, "gotta be tough" when dealing with this sh$t I guess.

Big smile inside. Didn't know how widely this was shared.

[nightmare01]

@CIH and @Sunflower I really understand how you feel.

 

My WW never did get it, and she never will. I think she regrets what she did, but that isn't actual remorse.. you know?

 

We're still together, at least for now. I'm a older retired guy and D would cut my financial stability pretty badly and so I've learned to live in this situation.

 

The funny thing is that I think my WW has fallen back in love with me. Her actions show it, as does her words. The funny thing about this is that it's kind of too late from my POV for me to return her feelings.

 

I LIKE her, we get along fine and have good times together but those in-love feelings are just not there. I'll remain faithful and be a good husband to her of course, but that's about as far as I am able to go.

 

Before her affair I think I loved her much more than she loved me. That of course gave her more power in the relationship, AND that probably had something to do with her being the one that would cheat. Now though those roles have swapped between us.

 

It's sad also, because after Dday if she had found remorse and done the things she is doing now, we would have recovered pretty well. But I guess that ship has already sailed.

 

I also know several BH that have hung out in their M for years after their Dday then D their WW once their children were off and on their own. These guys didn't want to give up their parenting roles, and were also fearful of another man having a hand in the raising (and possibly abusing) their children.

 

In cases like yours and these other BH's, I wonder if the WS will connect the D to their affair?

[drifter777]

My second husband was into golf and fishing. The jerk never once took the time to teach his sons. He couldn't be bothered, as he was off deep sea fishing, or to Alaska, or Mexico.

My first H, was good at about everything he put his mind too. He too was into fishing. He was a great fisherman, we always caught fish, and he was a great teacher. He taught me how to fish, and it was me who taught my boys how to fish.

He also was good at building models. When we were together, he built my then young niece a small doll house. He didn't need a kit, he bought some scale (I think they call it) sized boards and sticks and built it about a week. When he drove past my mom's house he was driving this old beat up pickup truck, so it is hard to miss him. I have since learned that a couple of times each summer he will take a couple of inner city kids, who have never been fishing out for a days fishing.

On the night we were out looking at lights, the large garage door was open and there sat his truck.

I get it.

You get what? Your own regret for cheating and destroying your first marriage? Or do you really understand the pain and shame your cheating did to him? I'm not picking on you because I'm sure many WS's think they understand. They feel shame, remorse and regret for their actions but that's not what us BS's are talking about on this thread.

 

No one can "get it" unless it happens to them. Pretty much all BS's knew exactly what they would do if their spouse ever cheated, and pretty much all of us didn't do that. We thought we understood the pain that we would feel if we were betrayed - but then it happened and we finally KNEW what it felt like. At the same time, I don't understand how it feels to be a WS.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Wow - CIH & Snowflower - I have had an incredibly busy week and just ending the fall sports season for my daughter who is a senior. This really took the wind out of my sails. I have enjoyed and learned from both of you since I joined this forum.

 

 

I am so sorry for what you are both experiencing right now. It goes to show that even when you fight hard, sometimes you just come to the end and can't move beyond it. Kudos to you for trying hard. I wish you both peace and happiness.

 

 

It just makes me sad.

[drifter777]

Regarding a revenge affair: I think its a wonderful idea. What better way to show the WS what it feels like? It also can force everyone's hand as to divorce - which is a good thing in my opinion.

 

Just because I can't do it doesn't mean I don't have fantasies about it or wouldn't recommend that all BH's consider it.

[ComingInHot]

Wow - CIH & Snowflower - I have had an incredibly busy week and just ending the fall sports season for my daughter who is a senior. This really took the wind out of my sails. I have enjoyed and learned from both of you since I joined this forum.

 

 

I am so sorry for what you are both experiencing right now. It goes to show that even when you fight hard, sometimes you just come to the end and can't move beyond it. Kudos to you for trying hard. I wish you both peace and happiness.

 

 

It just makes me sad.

 

No NO, please don't be sad for me. I am begging you! Tell me that I gave it my Everything and in the end my everything wasn't enough for me to want to continue.

And again* my story isn't over, it's just the next chapter. It really is for the best.

And my story isn't anyone else's. There are a TON of success stories. Besides BH look at Drifter777 and DKT3 and JNL who came back today to fill us in. Some are R'd and some are in better than before relationships, but success stories nonetheless.

 

...okay, maybe be just a little sad... but happy too*