Now what..

[Downtown]

I'm going to buy a co dependency book this weekend for self study. Any suggestions?

DSP, I would suggest Codependent No More. As to articles, my favorite is Schreiber's Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved? (but I don't like her articles about BPDers, whom she confuses with NPDers and sociopaths).

 

You never read a story about someone staying with a partner who has bipolar, BPD, or NPD and it turning out for the better.

Actually, bipolar is far, far easier to treat than BPD or NPD because bipolar is caused by swings in body chemistry. Most bipolar sufferers (about 80%) thus can be quite successfully treated with medication that corrects the chemical imbalance.

 

My experience is that bipolar sufferers get a bad reputation for two reasons. One is that about a third of them also have comorbid full-blown BPD and the lay public mistakenly attributes the anger and temper tantrums to bipolar. The other reason is that about 20% of bipolar sufferers cannot be stabilized very well by medication and, of the remaining 80%, some won't stay on their meds.

 

On top of that, the meds can cease to work after many years and the client must be switched to another related medication. During that switch -- which can take several months to find the right med and the right dosage level -- the client's behavior can be very unstable. On the other hand, many bipolar sufferers do extremely well on their medication.

[DSP]

Not two days can go by without some form of drama in my life. Just when I think it simmers down something happens.

 

I can see how oddly dysfunctional my ex is. Just after six months out of being in a 15 year relationship I no longer have feelings of "what if" or "reconciliation" or any other thread of hope of making this work. I just want it all to go away. One week of no drama. One single week of just picking up the kids and dropping them off.

 

I think of her now and my skin crawls. I ask myself "What if..." therapy, talking it out, medication, etc.. I answer it with a "no effing way..." I'll do everything I can to not go through that again. It is very strange to look at this in a different light to think about all you've gone through just to get here. I was really thinking the other day she doesn't deserve a person like me. I'm a good person and a loyal hard working man.

 

Unfortunately every couple days it's something. Every couple days I have to practice self control and navigate around something. It's like I can't get away from any of it and I'm playing a long game of avoidance.

 

My eldest is being alienated from me in subtle ways. Her phone ran out of minutes and I was never told about it. I text her every morning and every night before bed and got no response. I'd email her and she'd never respond. I find out her mother refuses to buy her minutes, because the eldest talks to me more than her with it.

 

My eldest comes over for the weekend and we have a fantastic time. I can see the sadness when she has to go back to her mothers. She goes back to her mothers and I'm the devil again and she wants nothing to do with me. I have always been involved in her life in every aspect. Inside and outside of school. I've always been her parent, father and friend. It murders me inside and I am really out of options to keep her near me. I am at a cross roads. Her mother is trying everything she can to keep us apart. It is taking its toll on me.

 

She got into trouble at school and it ended with her going to a hospital ward for a couple days. During the phone calls of finding out what is going on it turns out everything is my fault and that is why my child is having so many problems and needs to be admitted. This fueled my ex to no end. This did nothing but prove to everyone I am a very bad person and she is justified in running away. It is so sick on so many levels. So now I have to dodge accusations that I'm a bad father and so on. Duck and dodge, bob and weave, stuff it down and move along. Gets very old and one person can only take so much.

 

I talked to my eldest on the phone and she sounded like a zombie. I asked how things were going and she said it doesn't matter nothing will change. I asked when did it all start and she said when we moved into our house. I asked what can we do to make it better. What can I do to help. She feels like a pawn and hates going back and forth between our houses. She feels it will never change. She has given up hope. She wasn't like this before.

 

It is simply heart breaking. My heart has been broken and crushed so many times I don't think I have feeling anymore. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel horrible for her.

 

I cannot give up and hope she comes back around in a few years. I don't want her to keep feeling ripped apart having to go between our houses.

 

Here is what I know:

 

By court order she has to come over every other weekend.

Giving up on her would be a bad move.

In time she will make the decision that her mother is manipulating her.

I can weather this storm too.

 

I don't know. I'm just rambling now. I'm pretty confused. This has got to get better at some point. Feels like I'm facing a new mountain every other week.

[Mr. Lucky]

My eldest is being alienated from me in subtle ways. Her phone ran out of minutes and I was never told about it. I text her every morning and every night before bed and got no response. I'd email her and she'd never respond. I find out her mother refuses to buy her minutes, because the eldest talks to me more than her with it.

 

My eldest comes over for the weekend and we have a fantastic time. I can see the sadness when she has to go back to her mothers. She goes back to her mothers and I'm the devil again and she wants nothing to do with me. I have always been involved in her life in every aspect. Inside and outside of school. I've always been her parent, father and friend. It murders me inside and I am really out of options to keep her near me. I am at a cross roads. Her mother is trying everything she can to keep us apart. It is taking its toll on me.

 

All I can tell you is to hang in there.

 

My ex attempted the same thing but in more overt ways. I'd show up to pick our son up, no one there. She'd later claim she was confused as to date/time. I'd call to speak to him, she'd say he was unavailable. She "forgot" to give him a birthday gift I'd left. Etc, etc, etc.

 

Is your ex seeing someone else? This is what eventually broke the spell for me, she was too busy with new BF to continue messing with me. As an added bonus, he turned out to be a good guy.

 

Take the little victories you can find with your daughter, they add up over time. Use social media - Facebook, Facetime, text, email, etc - to stay in touch as you can. Be at every school/sports function. Make your own traditions with her - my son and I did something crazy every Thanksgiving, one year we had turkey on the beach in Hawaii.

 

Kids are smart, they figure it out. Time is on your side if you're solid, consistent and committed. Slow and steady wins this race...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Just reaffirm your love for your daughter and that you'll always be there for no matter what. Tell her you miss her dearly when she's at her moms but always look forward to when she is back with you.

 

Whatever you do, don't ever bash her mom or say negative things to her about her mom. If anything, say we both love you so much and even though we're not together anymore, that love will never change.

 

Let her know she can talk to you about anything and everything, even if it hurts to hear. She needs to feel safe with you at all times.

 

I do hope your ex wife wakes up and stops playing the games, it's not fair and it's unnecessary. Life would be so much easier if you two could co parent with respect and boundaries, get along for the sake of your child and have each others backs just for peace.

[DSP]

I kept in mind what was said. This is not a race and I am in it for the long haul. Slow and steady wins the race. Focus on my children and shower them with love and attention. So I buried my burning anger towards my ex and tried to find a way to co parent through all of this.

 

The ex called me and we spoke about what to do going forward and made a nice plan. I told her from this day out we need to set aside our differences for the sake of our child or she will no longer be here and none of this will matter in the end. I thought we had come to wonderful conclusion and we will start to co parent together, but I knew it was going to be temporary and I kept my guard up.

 

My beautiful daughter came back home and I was not allowed to see her. I asked and asked and asked. I was blocked from emails and texting her. I tried to use reason with my ex and then tried to gain empathy by stating how would she feel if she was in my shoes and I limited her contact. I still got ignored and my questions never answered.

 

Finally I had enough of the asking and being nice.

 

I emailed and said I was coming over at this time to see my child and bringing a phone card. Any attempts at blocking me and Ill file charges. We can play nice or I'm going to use our shared parenting contract to run you into the ground. Very sad when you have to Alpha male and bully the woman just to see your children.

 

Showed up on time and spoke with my child. Gave her some presents and hugged her over and over. Talked for a bit and kept it light. Gave her the phone card and told her mother to add it to the phone. Took about 10 minutes and I walked out.

 

The next day 4 emails and multiple texts from my eldest. My little girl is back and happy as ever. Whatever they did for her at the center and the medication they put her on worked. They stated she may not need to be on them long and she is actually in a good state of mind she just got overwhelmed with life. Tell me about it baby girl....

 

Showed up this morning to drop off the youngest two. This morning I hear "Oh I didn't know you would be here, do you want me to get the youngest out of the car" Really? You didn't know I would be here at the same time I am always here to drop of our children before I go to work? Do you need to get the youngest? Like how we agreed upon three months ago and you've done ever since. Didn't say it, but that was what I was thinking. I'm so over the net being cast to start drama. Bob and weave, avoid and slide.

 

Strange as it may sound this will be how she will communicate with me when she wants to be nice. My old response would have been something smart and caused all kinds of hurt feelings now it's just ignore or yes/no. Now the ex wants to play nice and email me about taking the eldest by herself. Last week I had to threaten via email just to see her on the weekends and weekdays were not going to happen now she is asking if to take our daughter to dinner and on my off weekends. Of course I agreed to it all. Yup give me my children as much as possible.

 

Unfortunately this also means something ridiculous is going to happen. She is never nice unless there is an ulterior motive. It is disgusting that I need to think this way.

 

Seems like the good news I get follows with sadness, because I have no one to share my joy with. So I'll share it with this community.

 

My office was moved back to where I started this job. It was the first time I had ever seen this type of technology. It was stuff I had only seen in movies and thought only existed at IBM. So a lot of good memories came back to me. Most of them involving my ex. It saddened me that I couldn't text her that I'm back to where it all started with a bigger office and such.

 

My immediate boss told me the corporation is paying for all of my education for 2015 to get me the advanced certifications in my field. This will solidify my ability to go anywhere in the English speaking world and be employed with a high paying job. Until the day I retire. It is sad to see that all of the work I did and all the sacrifices we made to get here can never be shared together. I never wanted this to end this way, but I'm never going back to that dysfunction again.

 

It still hurts and I still have a hard time looking at her, but it's getting a little bit better every day. I'm not doing things just to keep her off my mind, but it still consumes a large part of my day. Just less and less. I no longer feel the anxity I once felt. I can see the dysfunction coming and avoid it. It just annoys me now. I'm not confused anymore. I'm not saddened or upset by the childish game. I can see clearly now I am dealing with someone who never grew up and used cunning and manipulation to get through life. Soon it will just be a tiresome game that I will get bored with.

 

Thank you for reading and understand that it is going to get better. It will get better.

[Mr. Lucky]

Soon it will just be a tiresome game that I will get bored with.

 

And believe it or not, so will she. Almost despite her, some normal co-parenting will commence .

 

Congrats on all the progress you've made. Many of us who post here know the hard work, sleepless nights and bitter tears involved.

 

"The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune." - Zarlenga

 

Mr. Lucky

[Downtown]

I'm not confused anymore. I'm not saddened or upset by the childish game. I can see clearly now I am dealing with someone who never grew up and used cunning and manipulation to get through life.

Praise the Lord, DSP!!! It is a wonderful experience when you finally get that clarity of insight -- when the clouds part, the sun shines brightly, and the fog is burned off.

[DSP]

I wanted to write, because I've been walking around my house talking to myself long enough. My voice hurts.

 

I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm tired of crying. I should have never drank last night. I'm so depressed now. I planned it for weeks and I should have avoided it all together. This wasn't necessary. This was necessary. This is killing me. This was for the better. She was my best friend. I can still hear her telling me I am her best friend in my mind and I can see her telling me this. It breaks my heart. I still cannot look at her when I pick up my children. I vaguely remember her smile. I used to make her laugh now she is scared of me.

 

It's coming up on 8 months since it all broke. I've come a very long way and I'm never going to be the same person ever again.

 

I've learned more than I've ever wanted about pathologies, disorders, and mental illnesses. It is very evident that my ex has a mental illness. It is so sad to watch her deteriorate before me. It is like watching a person with Alzheimer float away from you. There are times she has moments of clarity and is apologetic and nice, but then it's back to maddness and I'm the devil. She does take care of the children more and is more attentive to them. I don't know how she continues to pay the bills. She barely works anymore. She now obsessively cleans. Which on the bright side is better than before. Nothing wrong with being clean I guess.

 

The pathological lying is odd and there are times she will say things like "me and OM don't argue like this.." When I'm simply asking for the diaper bag. Very weird, but I've come to my own terms with it. One thing I find as a blessing is she finds out what I am doing or hears me say something to the girls and mimics it. Like I said we were going to the park. Now she takes them to the park. The kids talk about baking so now she bakes all the time with them. They loved the clothes I bought them so she buys them nice clothes now too. I'm sure it will get old and she'll stop, but at least it's good for the kids and I take the blessings when they come now. I've read where people come out of this after a year or so. Not sure if that will ever happen and I'm not waiting around for it, but she is the mother of my children and I did love her with all my heart. I hope she finds peace within her soul.

 

Speaking of the OM. I'm pretty sure this will be ending soon and that sucks, because he's actually a pretty decent guy in regards to being a parent. I think he felt like I just ignored my kids and was a horrible father. I picked my kids up and he was able to see very quickly that I'm not a POS father and my children love me dearly. It was two weeks later he told my Ex he wasn't moving in with her. I actually felt bad for her. I was hoping they would hit it off and he would bring her some comfort and calm down the household. Now I'm hoping she rationalizes leaving the kids with me and moves in with him two states away. Even then nobody wins.

 

I went to a therapist that specializes in borderline disorder. She's is by far the greatest thing that ever happened to me. There are days I come out of there so mentally and emotionally exhausted it takes sometimes two days to get back to normal. She has fixed traumas that have happened in ways that I didn't know were possible. We don't even talk about disorders of any sort. She has helped me heal my children as well just by suggestions of better parenting. Like meditations and kids shows or showing acceptance and giving validation or asking questions like "How does that make you feel?"

 

My eldest is in a better spot now mentally and emotionally as far as I can tell. She is doing better in school and is making new friends. It was touch and go there for a moment and one time she didn't want to come over and it really really hurt. I listened to others who said back away, but keep the lines of communication open. It was tough as I was thinking this was a form of parental alienation, but in the end it was the right thing to do. It was one weekend and she realized what she was doing and is now coming back over. Our bond is super tight now and we text and email daily. Her and her mother fight constantly and is in high conflict almost daily. She now knows what happened and how wrong it was for it to happen and how damaging it was to everyone. She wants out of there, but stays for the little ones. I feel for her. I never wanted her to endure this type of life and tolerated a lot for it.

 

My little ones are growing!! I spend every waking moment with them while they are with me. Now the middle one fights for attention when I give any to the youngest. So I pretty much carry them around everywhere until they want down. We cook, play blocks, play games, color, draw, play with toys, read books and sometimes just hang out in their room doing nothing but talking. Since the weather is warming up we'll be heading outdoors more.

 

The middle ones anxiety is decreasing and she is behaving better and better. The sadness is going away a bit and it has helped that I've opened communication about the OM and her. OM treats her very good and likes to spend time with all of my children. The middle one I feel felt like she was betraying me by liking him too and I told her it was OK and he is a good guy and it's OK to be friends with him Daddy doesn't mind. That opened the flood gates for a day or two then it was over.

 

The baby just about jumps out of my ex's arms when she hears me. She screams for me in a good way and runs towards me as soon as I walk in the door. I let her lay across my chest at night to sleep so she can hear my heartbeat. Our bond is growing each time we are together. I'm very happy the DNA test proved she was mine. I looked at her many times and thought for sure she wasn't. I can now see the resemblance of me in her.

 

Overall things are not getting better. We are just living a different type of life now that continues to drag out. I am poorer than before that is for sure. I work a lot to make up for the extras I want for my children. I keep being told it won't always be this hard and I hope that time comes soon. I'm out there dating, but it isn't the same anymore. I look for the red flags and cut and run when I see too many of them. It's hard for me to reciprocate any type of love at this point in life and I am truly lonely. Many women appreciate that I am a good dad, but when they find out I have such young children they suddenly remember how hard it really was and don't want much to do with it. I don't mind that part honestly. Better now than later.

 

This has been by far the most dreadful and toughest thing I've ever had to endure in my life. If I was a weaker man I wouldn't be here today. To hear the things my children have told me. To see the one I loved leave me and fall apart. To hear others say things about me that are not true. The "friends" I've lost. The things learned just to have a bit of understanding. Every day I communicate with my ex in some fashion. It hurts just a little bit less each time and I feel so sorry for anyone having to go through this at any time in life.

 

Thanks for reading my entry. I needed to get this in black and white. It is therapeutic. I am still sad, but I have to think of something else now.

[Downtown]

DSP, thanks for giving us another detailed update on how you and the family are getting along. I'm so glad to hear that you're seeing a good therapist who is an expert on BPDers and the problems encountered in BPDer relationships. It's great that you find her to be so helpful in giving advice on how to deal with specific issues that arise, namely those with the kids having to adjust to your exW's problems.

 

It is so sad to watch her deteriorate before me. It is like watching a person with Alzheimer float away from you.

Yes, that's how I felt too -- as though my exW had died and I was grieving a death. Except that it worse in that you feel like you're watching her die right in front of you and cannot do a thing about it.

 

In my case, I felt like I had been watching her struggling to stay afloat only five feet away from my position on a boat dock. I kept yelling for her to take my hand so I could pull her to safety. Tragically, almost all BPDers like my exW will refuse to grab your hand even while they are drowning. The problem is not that they can't see your outstretched hand or hear your voice. Rather, the problem is that they are incapable of trusting you to do what you are promising to do. For the same reason, nearly all BPDers fail miserably in therapy. They cannot trust the therapists.