Now what..

[DSP]

After this weekend with the children I was in shock of what you have become. I was happy in what I have become and thankful I stumbled upon this site. It saved my life and I am reaping the rewards I can never buy because of it.

 

The children are so happy to see me and love me more than before. I am a rock to them. I am a place of calmness and peace. The baby lays across my chest and falls asleep. The other one I carry on my back everywhere and we play all the time. Played Candy Land, drew pictures, played ball, cooked brownies, ate ice cream, watched movies and had a great time all weekend.

 

My eldest told me I seem different now. I'm calm and she can talk to me more than you. She said I seem happy. I told her I wasn't happy, but I am at peace with my life. I told her I was heart broken and very messed up inside still and I will need a lot of time to heal, but I am getting better. I don't have to fight with anyone anymore and there is much less chaos in my life. She said that you fight with her all the time. I guess our eldest is now your whipping post. Honestly I am so angry at this I am now blind with spite.

 

I told her about my friend in a gentle manner. Explained that there will be no dating, no PDA, no staying the nights at her house, nothing.. We are friends and I'm not at a point in my life to be with another woman. I showed her pictures from the new girls life one at a time and watched her reactions. Her dogs, her houses, her wonderful life and the beautiful life she has. Pictures of the mountains she hiked. Talked to her about what she does for a living. She said she thinks she would like to meet her and she sounds very nice with a smile on her face. She said twice this weekend that she is a very pretty woman. I told her when things calm down and I feel the time is right I will introduce her I also said she may never meet her, because she is just a friend and this may turn into nothing at all. I said she is a very nice person though and would like to meet her.

 

I also told our eldest that she takes first priority in my life no matter what. If she needs to come over I will drop everything and make sure she is OK first. My friend comes last and my friend knows this has no problem with it and agrees.

 

I told her my friend went to watch a Shakespeare play this weekend and she was very impressed. We have a very respectful, intelligent child who wants a better life than what you are presenting to her. I will continue to give it to her just like I always have. Just like I wanted to give to you.

 

Texting me to tell the children how much you love them and how much you miss them is not going to work. Stop intruding on my time with my family. You physically harm our children now when they don't listen to you. You ignore our children and push the responsibility on our eldest.

 

Texting me to ask how the weekend went is not allowed. I am cutting ties with you. You are not my friend anymore. You are a glorified baby sitter to me. You are the mother of my children, but you are not a good mother anymore. I was happy and complete this weekend. You were sad and alone.

 

After our discussion this morning when the reality of what you have done to our child smacked you in the face I think you are beginning to see the tip of the ice burg of regret. I cut you short and ended the phone call politely to let you know that you will not control me anymore.

 

I now know why you starting crying when I brought his name up that night and said I hope he makes you happy and that he's good to you. He is a loser and he has nothing in his life. You are the best thing that has ever happened to him and he is willing to put up with your ignorance because of it. You are trying so hard to make it work with this guy that you have changed your taste in music, clothes, and life to please him. You tell our eldest you are in love? You've been gone and with him a bit over 3 months and you are in love? What a sad display you present to the world.

 

You went to his place dragging our kids up there and as soon as you stepped foot in that small and smelly shack you knew you made a mistake and down graded your life. People lie on Facebook. I think you learned that the hard way.

 

He will be up here for the holidays. The first time in 15 years we have ever been apart and he will be spending his holidays with my children. You will continue to damage our children by acting like a fool until the magic runs out with this one then you will move on to the next.

 

I will continue to do what I've always done for the holidays I will cook the greatest meal for everyone from scratch like I've always done. We will watch a movie and eat a great meal and be happy in our beautiful home. We will laugh and enjoy each others company. The kids will feel safe and loved. I might even bring home a puppy for them. His or her name will be Phoenix to remind me of my rebirth every time I say the name.

 

You are so out of whack with reality that you cannot keep your stories straight about this guy or anything else that happened in your life. Just in talking with you I noticed that things that happened 6 months ago you think happened years ago. You say things that are blatant lies and you repeat all the same things I told you months ago when this all started about what was going to happen almost verbatim. I truly think you have lost your grip on reality and have had a mental break down. I hope you get help, but you probably won't until it's too late. I pray you do not get pregnant with this losers child. You never could stay on birth control.

 

I will not waste my words on those who deserve my silence though. You were not right for me. You do not deserve this beautiful life I have worked so hard for. I wish you the best only because my children deserve it.

[DSP]

The first Holiday without you, but I had the children. They were happy and the eldest said this was the best Thanksgiving ever. It was odd since I needed to change 15 years of tradition. No more big turkey and watching the traditional movie we always did.

 

I cried for a long time after dinner. Looking out the big window and watching the snow fall brought back a lot of memories. Remembering when we first walked into the house and both looked out the window together and said how beautiful it's going to be in the winter.

 

Overall I am feeling less and less sad. It's the anger now. It's easier to control since I don't have so much chaos in my life.

 

I've had to set boundaries for you since you cannot seem to understand that you and I are not friends and I will not be the back up plan when your life goes even deeper down the drain.

 

I woke up for the first time today not immediately thinking of you and why this had to happen. I'm not panicked over what the kids are going through. I'm here for them and seem to be the only stable thing they have in their life. I've had to do a lot of soul searching and self education.

 

I've learned a lot about BPD and MLC. Seeing you have 7 of the 9 traits of BPD makes me feel sad for you. I feel heartbroken for my children who will never understand why their mother acts the way she does. They will forever be damaged by what you have done and what you are doing now.

 

It simply angers me that you try to alienate the children from me. I am and always have been a great father. In 4 years the eldest will leave home and I will have an uphill battle teaching the little ones I'm not the monster I'm made out to be and teaching them proper behaviors. Thank god the eldest is seeing through you now and all your lies. Thank god she stands up for herself and for me when I am not there.

 

It looks like the guy you are with is starting to get tired of you. The mask is coming off and your bizarre behavior is catching up with you. Which honestly makes me worry more than relieved. Even though this guy is a loser and lives so far away he is something that is stable in the kids chaotic life at your house. Maybe he will stick around. I almost think you two are one in the same. Most sane and stable men would look at you and think you are one messed up person and bail.

 

Hard to believe you left the father of your children who loved you and has always cared for you. A man who is loving, caring, smart, hard working, handsome, confident, has a great career, funny, loved doing things with you, and walked this life with you together for 15 years for a guy who's been twice divorced, has two kids, lives in a hunter shack, poor, doesn't give a **** about our kids, lives two states away, barely works, and is starting to ignore you when you talk. I'm not sure if I should laugh at you or feel sad for making one of the worst decisions you've ever made.

 

Once he leaves you will jump immediately to the next guy and **** the kids up even more. One day they will tire of your antics and come live with me. Your child is telling our eldest of the things you did in California and I almost wonder if you were a prostitute of sorts. Your daughter was 5 when I met you and she remembers all the men that used to come over when your husband was away. She would have been 4 at the time. Our child is 4 now. I really have no doubts that you were never faithful to me or this relationship anymore. You are a broken doll and always have been.

 

You went over to his sisters house for the Holidays and couldn't be here to pick up your kids to spend the holiday with them. He takes precedence over your children and the eldest is starting to resent you for it. You keep trying to make our kids like him or make them feel bad when he isn't around. You buy him things, but cannot buy your child a shirt or a pair of shoes. All of this is going to come back to you in the end. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

The kids always told me you were a different person when I wasn't home. I never believed them since I never saw it. I was just blind. Our eldest is saying the same things about you that your child did years ago. Based on what the eldest says you are increasingly calling off work or not going in. You have alienated yourself from old friends to the point they wonder if you're OK. You've told so many lies about me that most just don't believe you anymore. You lay on the couch and don't do anything, but yell and scream at the kids. You make the eldest clean the house and take care of the younger ones all the time. Really it's just the same thing you did when you lived here only more obvious.

 

You need intense counselling and medication for the trauma you endured as a child and the chaos you lived through. Currently you are in a deep depression and in denial. The woman I was with for 15 years was a lie. You acted as you thought I wanted you to and when the chaos came back it was who you really were. I truly feel sorry for you, but know there is nothing I can do anymore. You will never regret what you have done and you will never say you are sorry. You will never be happy with yourself and you will always throw yourself at any man that shows you attention. If I only knew then what I know now.

 

I've kept on keeping on.

 

I will finishing up my second class soon.

 

My therapy is helping a great deal. I hate it at the same time I love it. I am now past the sounding board sessions and I am having to look at things I've not wanted to in years.

 

The house is looking beautiful and I am almost done with the one room. Once that is finished I will paint the rooms for winter and focus on next summers project.

 

My relationship with my friend is still going great. She will be here today and we will watch movies by the fireplace, watch the snow fall and I'll cook dinner for us. I'm still taking it slow and she respects that and wants to take it slow too.

 

She is a huge improvement over what I had before. Our eldest wants to meet her and is actually impressed by who she is and what she does.

 

I'll be working at the homeless shelter today making a difference in a positive way.

 

The kids are seeing that I am stability and that I care. They hang with me every minute they are with me. I'm always told I'm the bestest princess daddy ever. I cook with our eldest and teach them how to play guitar. Two sleeps and they are with me again.

 

I'm realizing that you will never return and I have to make a new life for myself. It isn't as painful as it used to be though. The fog is slowly lifting.

 

I know you will never seek counselling or medication. It breaks my heart to see you fall apart and see you for what you are. You were beautiful to me and I wanted to die with you. My heart still misses you, but my head has always known something was off with you. I am still looking forward trying to replace the memories of my past.

 

For anyone reading this I highly suggest you look up Borderline Personality Disorder. I was blown away by what I was reading. I finally found that I wasn't insane and others had gone through or were going through this as well.

 

In a previous post I stated that I didn't know what to do about the NC with my Ex. If I didn't speak to her as friends she felt justified for leaving and it proved I was the worst person ever. She would start smiling with a fettered little laugh and act as if she was walking on air and if I talked to her she felt as if we were friends and we could talk like old pals which in turn left me confused.

 

NC does not work well for people with BPD. You are creating boundaries which they hate and you will become a villain to them. Plus you are taking away their control of an out of control situation.

[LifesontheUp]

You should be very proud of yourself DSP. The way you have handled it all.

 

I am sure your kids must be so proud of you too.

 

Wish you the best as you go forward. Keep looking after yourself and your kids

[Downtown]

DSP, like you, I have a BPDer exW who left me after 15 years. It is common for BPDer relationships with us caregivers to end after 12 to 15 years because, as the years go by, she becomes increasingly resentful of your inability to make her happy (an impossible task). At the same time, she becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging and sees you erecting stronger personal boundaries to protect yourself from her occasional rages. If you would like to read something about my experiences (e.g., her having me thrown into jail on a bogus charge), I describe much of it at my posts in Rebel's Thread. Take care, DSP.

[EgoJoe]

You are an inspiration DSP. I dumped my ex-gf when I suspected cheating and then was proven right and moved out. I saw the crazy denial and rage indicative of this instability and I'm floating by right now but everyday I get stronger and work harder.

 

 

It fresh still but I'm not giving in. Part of me started reading this thread hoping you were going to achieve reconciliation and what I've seen you achieve is more powerful and meaningful.

 

 

Keep it up, your kids are worth it.

[GirlStillStrong]

Sometimes we get so caught up in life... in raising our children, in working on our careers, in enjoying our hobbies, in the daily grind, and in managing our own issues and affairs... that we don't notice the roles we play for other people. And you can never really know what goes on for other people anyway. You obviously were her anchor and provided a tremendous amount of stability in, and for, her life. You can see very clearly what she has done with her life since leaving you. I am sorry for her that she has done this. I hope you and the children can find forgiveness in your hearts.

 

You are to be commended for holding it together as well as you have over these last few months, especially for those children. You are incredibly self-aware and I feel your fight to stay in the present moment and deal with reality. I am so glad you can continue to provide the stability and normalcy they so need; it is so difficult for a child when a parent has "gone off the reservation." Unless she gets herself back into a stable relationship, off any drugs she is on, &/or starts an intensive self-improvement program, she will continue to make poor decisions. The best thing you can do is EXACTLY what you are doing. I am truly impressed.

[GirlStillStrong]

Just want to add a couple things...

 

I feel heartbroken for my children who will never understand why their mother acts the way she does. They will forever be damaged by what you have done and what you are doing now.

I am not trying to put the world on your shoulders but this does not have to be their destiny. Growing up, I had one strong parent and one very not-strong parent. And I believe that what the strong parent provided fortunately outweighed the dysfunction of the not-strong parent. Do your best to be the strongest parent you can. Be their rock, be their anchor, because in living with her, they live in a sea of dysfunction that is forming their personalities. I caution you strongly against having sex with this woman you are seeing. If and when you do, you will become emotionally bonded to her and your children will lose. Make sure that whatever woman you choose is tremendously mature before you go bonding with her, because not all women are mature enough to put someone else's children first. Please take this new relationship very slow. It is too soon, especially for the children, and yes even the 14 year old. It has only been a few months and although you are still living in the family home, THEIR lives have been completely torn apart and dumped upside down. This is not a battle between mom and dad; this is their lives you two are messing with here. Be careful not to create the very environment where they too become affected like her. You do not need to prove a thing to them, but you do need to be strong, objective, committed, and fully present in their lives.

 

It sounds like your children would do better living with you. Have you considered this?

[GirlStillStrong]

One last thing...

 

It looks like the guy you are with is starting to get tired of you. The mask is coming off and your bizarre behavior is catching up with you. Which honestly makes me worry more than relieved. Even though this guy is a loser and lives so far away he is something that is stable in the kids chaotic life at your house. Maybe he will stick around. I almost think you two are one in the same. Most sane and stable men would look at you and think you are one messed up person and bail.

 

Hard to believe you left the father of your children who loved you and has always cared for you. A man who is loving, caring, smart, hard working, handsome, confident, has a great career, funny, loved doing things with you, and walked this life with you together for 15 years for a guy who's been twice divorced, has two kids, lives in a hunter shack, poor, doesn't give a **** about our kids, lives two states away, barely works, and is starting to ignore you when you talk. I'm not sure if I should laugh at you or feel sad for making one of the worst decisions you've ever made.

 

Be careful with the extreme, black and white thinking. I noticed in one part of a journal entry you described her as "always" doing such and such and "never" doing something or another. This way of thinking is a BPD trait and just not healthy, or true.

 

Also, I see in your journal entries you are demonizing her and at the same time applauding yourself. Which is fine. It can be necessary to do so to get over a break-up. But I caution you that it can become a trap. When you are ready, begin to allow yourself to see that she is not ALL bad. Doing this is also a BPD trait.

 

And please do not tell her or the children those mean things you say about her. That will not help anyone.

[DSP]

Downtown - I read your link.

 

Most everything stated there is what I had or am going through now. I ask myself if I knew then what I know now could I have made it better. The answer I am coming to terms with is no. The terrible treatment she endured as a child from both parents was solidified when she turned 14 and went through child birth alone and was ostricised for it by family and friends. I fell into the white knight syndrome and in all honesty at the time we met I had narcissistic tendencies myself that she satiated.

 

I feel so much remorse for the way I handled situations with her. I tried to approach situations as an adult and have a logical discussion only to end with a rage filled argument and yelling in circles. It wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe my children wouldn't have seen such dysfunction from both of us. I simply did not know what I was dealing with. I regret that. I feel that the final black split is here now.

 

More times than not I did feel like I was going crazy. My health was beginning to suffer. I was looking into anti-depressants and took a stress test for my heart because it seemed to hurt a lot. I was drinking more and isolating myself to avoid the fighting. In the end I would say things like I'm just too old for all this fighting, I just want to be left alone and I just stopped feeding into it. The overall reaction to my behavior became more unrealistic.

 

I didn't know about the 15 year mark being the norm. I was told a couple days after she left that she felt like I just couldn't love her like she needed so she had to leave me. I asked her how could that be? I'm always asking her to go out with me. I spend as much time as I can with her when she didn't work. I take her out to dinner every weekend. Bought her roses the other day. We had a wonderful beautiful time camping the weeks before she left. I hold onto her whenever we are close. Still open the doors for her. Pull out her seat when going to dinner. Try to make love to her as much as possible. She couldn't be naked around me or I'd have to make love to her. Our hands come together like magnets no matter where we are. This is even after 15 years together and 4 children.... If that isn't love what the **** is it then. I cared for her. I was there for her. I protected her. The response was I didn't spend enough time with the children and her together. I could never win and now know why.

 

Like I said before if I knew then what I know now. I was with her for so long I don't even know what normal is. I know all the education I've received and that I never wanted to learn I will be on the lookout for the flags. Too many books, too many web sites, too many hours in therapy, too many questions, and too many answers I never wanted to know.

[DSP]

Just want to add a couple things...

 

Growing up, I had one strong parent and one very not-strong parent. And I believe that what the strong parent provided fortunately outweighed the dysfunction of the not-strong parent.

 

I caution you strongly against having sex with this woman you are seeing. If and when you do, you will become emotionally bonded to her and your children will lose.

 

It is too soon, especially for the children, and yes even the 14 year old.

 

It sounds like your children would do better living with you. Have you considered this?

 

I hope that my stability and steely resolve will guide them positively. I know her child has reaped the benefits and our eldest child will as well. I've been so involved with them and their developments. It's the youngest I worry for now. If I could bottle what I get in return for my commitment to them I would live forever. Their words alone lift my spirits unlike anything. The smiles I see in our pictures together. The funny things they call me like "best princess daddies ever." To see the relief in their faces when they are here. I simply have a new goal in life. To keep them that way.

 

In regards to the other woman -

 

I simply refuse to have sex with this woman. I am not even close to there yet. I still feel like I have no connection to the other sex. I still feel like I'm cheating on my Ex in a way. I'm still scared about not being good enough for anyone. I don't have the old me back and I'm still broken inside. It wouldn't be fair to her either. I made a great dinner for us; watched a movie while the fire roared and drank some wine. I felt horrible for doing it. I'm not ready for this yet.

 

I agree with you about my 14 yo. After spending time with my friend this weekend I felt I went to far in that department. I made my point to the eldest that I'm moving on and know it was passed onto my Ex. Ignorant on my part to continue talking about it with her. I have nothing to prove. I'm lucky the eldest took it so well, but now I need to shut up about it unless asked. Lesson learned.

 

I have thought about them living with me, but no court in the US will take them away from her unless there is proven abuse or child neglect and even then it's an uphill battle and could easily bankrupt me for a coin flip in the family courts. This month I got them more than 50% so that helps. I have right of first refusal in the custody agreement and she is abiding by it. I am doing what I need to for any future court battles. I educate myself as best as possible and do what others have done. I know there are going to be many in the years to come.

[DSP]

One last thing...

 

Be careful with the extreme, black and white thinking. I noticed in one part of a journal entry you described her as "always" doing such and such and "never" doing something or another. This way of thinking is a BPD trait and just not healthy, or true.

 

Also, I see in your journal entries you are demonizing her and at the same time applauding yourself. Which is fine. It can be necessary to do so to get over a break-up. But I caution you that it can become a trap. When you are ready, begin to allow yourself to see that she is not ALL bad. Doing this is also a BPD trait.

 

And please do not tell her or the children those mean things you say about her. That will not help anyone.

 

GSS thank you for your kind and rational train of thought. My tally on the good and bad helps me rationalize what I'm going through and justify why it was a mistake for her to leave me. I will say this as it needs to be said..

 

My Ex is abiding by the child custody agreement by asking me first to have the kids come over when she works. She is very respectable in that manner.

 

She did not kidnap my children and take them from me and I commend her for keeping her word.

 

She has the children today and is spending the holiday with them. No matter how much attention she gives them it is better than none at all. I know she is happy even if it is for the moment.

 

At one time in our lives she was an absolutely wonderful mother, better than any woman I've ever seen in my life. I feel our children would have had developmental disabilities without her guidance and love. She did what I could not.

 

She taught me how to change a diaper, how to make a bottle, when to use diaper rash ointment, how to bath a baby properly, how to hold them, how to administer medicine, when to teach them how to walk, how and when to feed them real food and give positive feedback when it mattered most.

 

Her smile and glowing eyes when she looked at me in adoration made me feel like superman and I could fly to the moon with her. She made me complete when I needed it the most.

 

She held me when I cried. She held my head kissed my forehead and never said a word. She just held me. Never judged. Never asked why.

 

She is not a bad person. She is a woman who deserves to choose her own path in life even if I am the most hurt I have ever been. This isn't just about me.

 

I would never say these things to my children. I learned the hard way not to talk to them about what I am going through.

[Downtown]

I didn't know about the 15 year mark being the norm.

DSP, I don't know that for a fact. I've never seen any statistics on it. I once found a blogger, who claimed to be a therapist who had treated many BPD couples, saying that BPD relationships typically last either 18 months or 15 years. They last 18 months, he explained, when the Non has strong personal boundaries. The Non enjoys the 6 month honeymoon period of mirroring and passionate sex and then is willing to spend up to a year trying to reestablish the honeymoon conditions. Then he bails.

 

The relationship typically lasts about 15 years, he explained, when the Non has strong codependency traits and thus has low personal boundaries. Such a Non typically never bails. Instead, the BPD leaves him because, as the years go by, she becomes increasingly resentful of his inability to make her happy or fix her. Also, she may become increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging and sees him building stronger boundaries to protect himself.

 

This explanation struck a strong chord with me because my relationship lasted 15 years, at which time my wife had me arrested on a trumped up charge and filed a restraining order barring me from my own home for a year and a half (when the divorce was finalized). Moreover, over the past seven years, I've found that the BPDer-sounding relationships reported here and on other forums tend to end within 18 months or last for many years -- typically about 12 to 15 years (but, of course, some end more quickly or more slowly than that).

[Movingforward2]

Your posts are inspiring.

 

Holidays suck the worst. I don't even look forward to it anymore. I try not to think about self-pity and stay busy, but even now I struggle. This week has been hard.....I've played this game for too long man, and you are doing exactly what you need to do. Miss my kids more than anything. You are doing well my friend.

 

It's like one step forward, 3 steps back over here. I've appreciated keeping up with this thread.

[DSP]

DSP, like you, I have a BPDer exW who left me after 15 years. Take care, DSP.

 

Downtown I wanted to say this in case you come back to the thread...

 

I continued reading some of your posts on BPD and you stated that a stable woman will not appeal to a co dependent person because they will not be in need of saving. They will be contradictory to our sense of needing to help or save someone.

 

This actually explained something to me that I was wondering myself.

 

I realized the woman I'm talking to now does not need me in any way shape or form. She's successful, intelligent, kind, respectful, etc... She even stated that if my Ex came back for reconciliation she wouldn't be hurt as long as I told her the truth.

 

She is an attractive woman, but I just don't find myself drawn to her. Your explanation about co dependency is an interesting aspect to this relationship and my rules for attraction. Something more for me to educate myself on. Thank you for the insight.

[Downtown]

You stated that a stable woman will not appeal to a co dependent person because they will not be in need of saving.

DSP, I'm happy to hear that my post was useful. I have two comments. One is that I usually avoid using the term "codependent" because, given that it is not defined in the APA's diagnostic manual, that term means whatever you want it to mean. It therefore is not surprising that CoDA, the world's largest association devoted to "codependents," has yet to agree to a single definition for the term. Hence, the term I prefer is "excessive caregivers."

 

My other comment is that stable women will eventually be appealing to us excessive caregivers if we only take the time to develop a relationship with them. Yet, after being with BPDers who love bomb us while splitting us white, it is really hard to get used to a normal relationship after experiencing fireworks, adulation, finding one's "soul mate," and intense sex -- all in the first two weeks of the relationship. It is like trying to settle for aspirin after you've become addicted to codeine or some other a narcotic pain killer. And, of course, it is very difficult to give up feeling like the white knight who has saved the beautiful damsel in distress.

[GirlStillStrong]

Downtown I wanted to say this in case you come back to the thread...

 

I continued reading some of your posts on BPD and you stated that a stable woman will not appeal to a co dependent person because they will not be in need of saving. They will be contradictory to our sense of needing to help or save someone.

 

This actually explained something to me that I was wondering myself.

 

I realized the woman I'm talking to now does not need me in any way shape or form. She's successful, intelligent, kind, respectful, etc... She even stated that if my Ex came back for reconciliation she wouldn't be hurt as long as I told her the truth.

 

She is an attractive woman, but I just don't find myself drawn to her. Your explanation about co dependency is an interesting aspect to this relationship and my rules for attraction. Something more for me to educate myself on. Thank you for the insight.

 

This is excellent. Thank you DSP for this entire thread but especially this particular post. And thank you too Downtown!

[DSP]

So here it is about 5 months after the split and the last of the holidays are upon us. The sooner the better. It will cut down my communication with the Ex dramatically.

 

Based on what I am hearing from my eldest when she visits it is very very evident she is/was having Bi Polar or Manic Depressive episodes. She was admitted to the hospital for heart palpitations after having stayed up 32 hours prior to trying to work a 12 hour shift. The Dr. gave her the next three days off work. According to my eldest she will lock herself in a room for 40 minutes at a time and plasters her makeup on in almost a clownish fashion. My therapist said that there would be no way of telling without a complete check, but it is probably adult onset Bi Polar disorder and the make up thing is a classic example of mania.

 

I cannot help but think this is associated with postpartum depression from our youngest. This would explain some of the bizarre behavior and disassociation I was witnessing before.

 

Earlier in the day I received a text about the children and it ended with "Ok have a good day at work today" I didn't respond back. Honestly wondered why she wasn't sleeping after working all night, but it wasn't any of my business. It did feel like she was trying to suck me back in or work an angle to get back in good graces with me. The OM is still in the picture, but I have no idea what the real story is with that. I've heard everything from her wanting to get married to those two not talking to each other anymore. I stopped trying to figure it out. It was driving me insane.

 

Later that same night that she texted me we attended an event for our eldest. I got a haircut earlier in the day and worked out before I went. Wanting to look my best to maybe show off what she was missing. It just so happened that I was to be positioned at a vantage point to see my ex walk in. She looked so defeated and sad almost as if she was in pain. She looked like she just hated life, hated being there, hated everything. Couldn't help but think she was on the down side of her manic state. It made me feel sad for her. Not in a spiteful way, but I genuinely felt sorry for her.

 

She came up to me, smiled, started to chat and asked to sit next to me. I told her I didn't care what she did. I waited about 7 seconds then got up and left. When I came back she was sitting where I was before so I went to the other side of the venue. I had to make a point that this wasn't going to happen. We were not going to be buddies and do events like this as friends. It sucked, but the boundary had to be set.

 

I am very thankful I didn't come home fall on the floor crying in utter pain as I did at the last event we had for our child.

 

It made me think though. To come into the event looking as she did then put on a smile as if everything was fine made me think that maybe I never knew this person. I replay many events over the years and see many traits and actions that could be construed as BPD or narcissistic. I also know that there was a solid stretch of time where I didn't see any of this type of behavior and wonder if having two children in the course of 3 years brought what was being hidden for so long back to the surface and with a vengeance.

 

I feel sad for her and the extremely poor decisions she made. I feel angry that she single handedly destroyed our family and emotionally damaged our children with her behavior around them. I feel confused, because I know most of what she is doing is from a mixture of powerful things outside of her control. I also know she planned very poorly to leave for a while before the day she did and that pain is almost unbearable. I am upset that my children have to be shuffled between homes and are caught up in a mess they had nothing to do with.

 

I seen one of her family members at the store and they ignored me. I knew them for 15 years and now I am the unknown. I am still very hurt by the things she has told her family and others about me. I know they were just lies to cover her infidelity, but it hurts all the same. I am not the person she made me out to be and I have to see these people in public and see the looks of suspicion when they are around me.

 

I am struggling with what I should do if she ever returns to normal and tries to reconcile with me. I feel this isn't a cut and dry example of infidelity due to boredom, but I also feel I will never get a clear answer as to why and she will never accept responsibility for what has happened. Almost every day I think about having to do this for the next 17 years and know that one of us is going to start a relationship and have to leave the children behind. The things that were said to me I hear over and over in my head. Words that cut me in half. I have changed immensely for the better. I have put a bit of work into this. She has only changed for the worse and from what I know has put no work into being a better person. Sometimes when I think of this happening I can clearly hear myself say no way and believe it other times I think... Well... Maybe if we go to couples consoling and she get on some anti depressants. I am thinking the former more than the later as of today where before it wasn't a choice.

 

I cycle now between acceptance and anger. I still argue with her ghost and I cried at work in grief three days ago. Thankfully the crying is very rare any more. She was my partner for 15 years and the mother of my children so I truly struggle with having compassion for her and allow her back in knowing she has a mental disorder or keep up the LC/NC and move on with my life.

 

I can only hope she has an episode and gets admitted to the stress center so I can get full custody or she just willingly drops them off one day.

 

Outside of this emotional confusion I am doing fine. Everything is the same as it was before I am just getting more used to the fact of being a single father of three. I have a solid routine down for the children when they are here and I spend every minute I can with them while they are with me. No texting and no computer when they are here. My middle is the Candy Land champion beating me 9 out of 10 times in the last two weeks. We draw all the time and cook every weekend my eldest is here. I take them to any event I can as a family. It is easy to tell I am their rock through all of this and they are becoming very at ease with me almost peaceful when they are here. The middle one is very emotional so there are many many hugs and kisses being given. The eldest can talk my ears off so I just listen a lot. The baby is given a ton of attention and love and I can tell it helps.

 

I will be taking my final for my second class next week. The room I am working on will be done by next weekend. It will look amazing.

 

I stopped drinking alcohol. I simply have no desire for it anymore. I have kept all the weight off and I am lifting my personal bests each day. I am in great physical shape to the point I am impressed with the progress and actually didn't recognize myself when I walked passed a mirror the other day.

 

I stopped talking about my friend to the eldest even though she asks about her. I still cannot get to the point of intimacy with my friend. I have two other women who want to date and I just do not want anything to do with a relationship or intimacy now. I know when my heart is back on track I will have no issue finding a woman so I don't sweat it now.

 

I don't hear the emptiness of my house as much. I am actually starting to enjoy some of the alone time. I like that my house is clean and not cluttered as it used to be. I find solitude in cleanliness and quiet. Unfortunately I will probably have to sublet a room in the house to help pay for bills.

 

Writing this out is cheap therapy for me. Thank you for reading.

[Downtown]

DSP, thanks for returning to give us another update. I'm glad to hear that things are going as well as they are.

She is/was having Bi Polar or Manic Depressive episodes.... it is probably adult onset Bi Polar disorder.

DSP, I don't recall you ever saying anything about her having bipolar. If she does, the most likely age of first onset for bipolar is 25, with the normal range of onset being 18-30 years. If you're interested, I describe a dozen major differences I've seen between the behaviors typical of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.

 

Significantly, having strong BPD traits does not rule out also having bipolar disorder. It is common for them to co-occur in the same people. A recent study found that, for female BPDers, a third also have bipolar-1 and another 9% have bipolar-2. Hence, about 40% of BPDers have comorbid bipolar disorder too. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

[DSP]

Everything that has been happening with her is unlike anything I've ever seen before. Well actually I've seen some of the behavior from people who were on coke or crack binges when I was a teenager. That is why when my eldest stated her mother goes into the bathroom for long periods of time I began to worry.

 

The Ex had never done drugs and always admonished me for drinking so I didn't think it would be that, but then again I never thought she would do this. I have noticed she has gained all her weight back so I have to conclude just on observation that she's not on amphetamines or cocaine.

 

I found out most of this last weekend from my Eldest after just listening for 5 or 6 hours to her talk. After relaying some of this to my therapist it was said that the Ex was exhibiting Bi Polar manic episodes. Actually in retrospect my therapist has always thought my Ex was Bi Polar or showed traits of it.

 

Some of the behavior I observed:

 

Floating around with a smile on her face whenever I refused to talk to her. Laughing as if it were all a joke.

 

Outlining a date on the calendar over and over again with her two fingers with her head cocked to the side and the joker smile. This went on for about a minute before I just grabbed the children and left.

 

If anything is said to her other than what she wants to hear she will say "Now that just hurts my heart" "I cannot believe you are hurting me like this" Even if it's to say I will pick up the children in a half hour.

 

Odd little laughs when talking with her. Very out of character and out of context for the conversation.

 

Very addicted to Facebook and texting now. She never was before at least in my presence. I think this was hid before as the older two have told me she was on the laptop all the time.

 

My Eldest told me:

 

Stays locked in the bathroom sometimes up to 40 minutes at a time.

 

Plasters her make up on with heavy black eye liner and thick rouge on her cheeks. Eldest said she looks like a prostitute and is embarrassed to be in public with her.

 

Yells in public a lot on any subject sometimes slamming her hands on tables and walls.

 

Makes out with the OM like a teenager in front of all the kids. Her child had to yell at her to stop it and the Ex just laughed at her like it was a joke. Her and I never did this as neither of us were comfortable doing that in front of our children.

 

Yells and screams in the house when they are having sex. This too was brought up by her daughter telling her that she has children in the house and she cannot be acting this way. She never did this either for as long as we were together.

 

Will stay up all hours of the night only to get up at 5 or 6 AM getting only a couple hours of sleep. This caused her to be put off work for a few days and admitted for stress. She had been awake 32 hours prior to starting her shift.

 

Lays on the couch and will never get up allowing my eldest to take care of the children and clean the house. Nothing interests her anymore unless its the OM and his texting or calling.

 

Believes she must help the OM family at all costs even ignoring her own children in the process. She has bought him and his children food, clothing, and Xmas presents while her own have very little. The OM from what I can tell is just as immature as she is behaving and is a POS.

 

She sat at the table and starting crying about how much she missed the OM and how much she loved him. She only knew him 2 months and had seen him maybe 3 times. He lives two states away.

 

These are only the things I remember or can explain. I wish I could easily explain her mannerisms and how odd they are now, but I cannot and would not translate well in writing. It is possible to get her into counseling via court order, but it would cost me more money that I don't have so I am hoping she will stabilize or a family member or friend tells her she needs help. I told her one time that maybe she needs to be on an anti depressant and I was scoffed at then heard the tee hee kiddy laugh.

 

I simply cannot explain who this person she has become. Some of the behavior has always been there, but this was not her even 6 months ago. She was a loving caring person with regard to everyone. I felt like we were starting a new phase in our life too. She was a loving mother and cared deeply for her children. She would have never put them in harms way as she does now. It's like the worst parts of her personality have taken over who she is and the nice part of her is trapped inside.

 

It wasn't until we came back from vacation that she started acting bizarre and when this first started I had it all correlated to another man in the picture. I've read many times on here that the person who you knew before is dead and you need to realize this is a different person now. That is not an exaggeration. She honestly is a completely different person all together.

 

I have found out that her constantly interrupting me when I spoke and never taking responsibility for anything at all are related to narcissistic personality disorder. The interrupting used to drive me insane. I couldn't even speak a full sentence without being cut off and talked over. It drove us to many many screaming matches. I wish I would have noticed this years ago. I would have handled it differently. I would have handled a lot of our arguments differently. I just could never understand her logic or why she did or said the things she did.

 

My eldest is seeing this now and is starting to realize that maybe I wasn't such a bad guy and understands why I was frustrated all the time. Every time I see my eldest I can see the frustration on her face that I used to have. I listen to her when she visits and see the patterns I used to have to live through. I really don't know what to say to her to help anything I may say could be construed to reflect negatively on her mother.

 

I'm a logical and analytically type person so I need reference points to make something coherent. None of this makes sense to me. I don't know anymore to be honest. It's almost a full time job just trying to piece it all together. Sometimes I wonder if I'm grasping at straws for an explanation, but then I see these things with my own eyes and know that I'm not. I am just trying to make sense out of insanity and it's nearly impossible.

 

The good news though is that everyday part of me is letting it go. Last night I was feeling sad after thinking about it most of the day. This morning I didn't think about it at all and was actually able to think of something else and fall back asleep.

 

Last night was the first time in 5 months I've slept over 6 hours. I actually slept 11 peaceful hours. Letting it all out on this forum is cheap therapy and it is helping. Today I am feeling the weight being lifted off and the confusion going away.

 

It's getting better that is for sure.

[EgoJoe]

DSP you have an inner strength that I admire. Keep going. You're almost out of this.

 

 

Try reading a bit at www.bpdfamily.com specifically the articles on how BPD relationships evolve. If nothing else it is therapeutic to see that it is not you, it is her.

 

 

Keep posting man.

[DSP]

This year the children will be with me for Eve and Day and I plan on making it count. Wrapped up the presents and did nothing but sob away for the sake of my children. I know there are millions of people out there who have it worse than me, but it doesn't help at all. I got right on the verge of a panic attack and pulled the reigns in to control myself.

 

I have never ever had panic attacks until this happened. I've always looked at those who had them as weak minded people. Good to be proven wrong.

 

Keep telling myself it will not be this way next year. Next year it will be better. I will it to be.

 

She does things now to me out of anger. Pumps the kids full of sugar before they come over and laughs about it (12/20). Which actually back fires as my children are very well behaved here. Will not contact me to watch them before she goes to work (12/23). This is called right of first refusal and after the first week of Jan the shared parenting contract will be seen by a judge to be finalized. I will start filing charges of contempt after that. Tells the children I will leave them once I have a new woman (11/29). Says I'm just faking my love for them in pictures (12/21). The list goes on.. Thankfully I've always been in my childrens lives and have many great positive memories with them long before any of this started.

 

I never wanted this. I never wanted her to leave me or have an affair. I always loved her and wanted her to be my partner. I've always been attracted to her. I always loved holding her hand. I really don't care about any of that anymore. I just don't want the anger directed at me or my children. I don't want her back I would just like an apology. Maybe some type of explanation no matter how feeble. It will probably never happen. She is not the same person she used to be. Not even close. Don't think she will ever get help. Living with her I thought it was just normal behavior. She worked nights so was always tired. Depressed due to lack of sleep. Never wanted to do anything due to work being so hard on her. I never knew any different. I now know better.

 

I received an education that I never wanted, but was necessary to grow into a better person a better partner for the next woman. I can now see an emotionally stunted adult with a mental disability. Even if this was due to postpartum depression. Even with medication she would have a personality disorder that would be present even with a great amount of work.

 

I boxed up the last of her things and put them in the garage. Emailed her to come pick it up or it goes to charity in 30 days. Hope she comes over with the OM so I can shake his hand and have a laugh or two with him and send her into the stratosphere. I'm still upset with my Ex especially when I hear of the destruction she is doing, but I am feeling more sad and ashamed for her as time goes on. To destroy such a beautiful life and disrupt the life of her children is painful to watch. I will survive as this is just a layer of hell that I'm passing through.

 

That really is the last hurdle. The OM. I seen him on Facebook and cringed. From everything I've heard and seen about this guy... My lord. Most sane women would run the other way. Either way I just want the fortitude to shake his hand and be done with this. I hope I garner the strength when the time comes and just be the better man.

 

The rest of my life is moving along. I still argue with her in my head, all of this still hurts a bit too much at times. I get a bit sad during the day, but I can see it getting better.

 

I'm laughing more and joking more. I'm talking to more women too. I am finally starting to see them as attractive where as before I felt as if I was cheating on my Ex for even looking at them.

 

My relationship with one woman is still a friendship even though I am seeing she wants more. She is very well off and doesn't need me. I wonder why she would bother knowing what I am going through. I talk to another one that is nice to pass time with. The third woman I seen way to many red flags and just let that burn out to nothing. I am hyper sensitive to red flags now. Maybe too much.

 

GirlStillStrong stated that once I become physical with a woman it will take precious time away from my children. That has struck me in a profound way. I cherish that advice and it is at the forefront of my thinking. I replay those words in my head many times while thinking about starting a relationship. I really like companionship, but I'm not ready for anything serious and will make it known without any hesitation. My children come first.

 

I finished my second class for my reboot of my BS in Comp Sci. I am now 53% done with the degree and taking on another class to bring my total of credit hours for the semester to 18. With my experience in the field, my certifications and now my degree the future is wide open in my career.

 

My children are just chill here now. Everything is fantastic with them. There are no issues with behavior from any of them while here at home. The eldest is moody, but a teenager so I don't really mind. The middle is showing signs of mixed emotions. She will smile when corrected, but then burst into tears. I let this play out and talk calmly letting it be know that it's OK. I hope that passes with time. The baby wakes up a bit at night now so I lay the baby on my chest and immediately goes back to sleep. We bake and draw all the time. Play games and watch family movies together. I read books to them and take them places as a family.

 

Therapy is helpful. Last time I was given two helpful strategies when dealing with issues. I will put them into motion when time comes. At the end of the last two sessions the therapist stated I was doing everything right and to just keep on doing it. Funny thing is I got all of my real information for dealing with this from here. So thank you to all of you first and foremost.

 

Before I got with my Ex I went to concerts all the time. This was the mid to late 90s and I got to see some of the greatest bands ever. I'm going to start doing this again and just bought tickets to a show and hope to go with a family member.

 

Still lifting and keeping the weight off. Today I pressed 205 lbs. for 10 reps. I weight 185 lbs. Personal best...!!! It feels good and it needed to be shared with the world.

 

Thank you to anyone reading this. Thank you to this site for staying up and running and allowing me to vent here. To all the internet strangers out there ~ you've saved this life and have made the life of my children better in the process. Thank you.

 

For this record - Dec 20 2014 2 PM my middle child looked at me and said "Dad this is what "OM" does to mom when they kiss" and stuck her tongue out flicked it in and out of her mouth. I said in shocked disbelief "What?" and she replied "Nothing. I didn't say anything." Turned and walked away and stopped talking about it. My eldest was sitting in the chair and seen / heard this too. I could get no more information from my middle child so I didn't pursue any more questioning. She isn't even 4 years old.

 

This scene is one of many my children have had to endure while staying with their mother. This behavior was never done within our house while she lived here. We both have respected our children and kept the PDA to a minimum while in their presence.

 

My eldest stays at the mothers house to protect the younger two. Eldest is forced to look after the younger two while the mother is on the phone or locked in the other room. The eldest is made to clean the house. I believe this is affecting school work, emotional and mental well being.

[Downtown]

DSP, it sounds like you're progressing very well despite this week -- being a holiday week -- being so hard on you. I'm sure glad you have your children to share the holidays with. Do you still believe your Ex has bipolar-1 disorder, i.e., is exhibiting pronounced manic behavior?

[DSP]

DSP, it sounds like you're progressing very well despite this week -- being a holiday week -- being so hard on you. I'm sure glad you have your children to share the holidays with. Do you still believe your Ex has bipolar-1 disorder, i.e., is exhibiting pronounced manic behavior?

 

Hi DT good to hear from you again.

 

I have not personally seen any manic episodes like I did previously thankfully. I am keenly aware of what to look for now and keep an eye open when I pick up the children.

 

Even though the thoughts of her, my children, what went wrong, how to be better, etc... Take up an extraordinary amount of my time I have cut down my communication and time around her significantly. I have face to face time down to about 10-15 minutes a week and communication is down to mostly brief business like emails or texts.

 

I have really worked hard on creating boundaries. To the point I feel almost mean in doing so. I know they are perceived as me being angry and in a way this is correct, but there is more to it than that. It needs to be done to show that we cannot be friends and allow her to hurt me and I need to heal and move on.

 

The last time I seen her she looked disheveled and depressed. Not any worse than what she used to though. The last time I seen anything odd was at the school event two weeks ago when she looked in physical pain and I observed other peculiar behavior.

 

From what my eldest is telling me she is consumed with the other man and his neediness. She is constantly on the phone sometimes for hours at a time and will call him every 30 min. when he is in crisis for some reason or another. This in turn creates havoc in the house with the younger two being neglected and the eldest having to look over them.

 

She complains about me to anyone who will listen. To the point most family members are starting to see she may be unbalanced. I don't think they will get her help though. At a family event where she was running me down her cousin just got up and left her in the room alone, because he couldn't take listening to it. The therapist said this is done, because she is ashamed and feels guilty for what she did and this is her way of justifying her actions and motives. Still hurts even with an explanation.

 

She constantly talks about the OM to everyone to the point of annoyance. Her mother had to tell her that she needs to stop obsessing over this guy and pay attention to her children more.

 

Other than those things listed above as told to me by my eldest and what I have observed two weeks ago and last Saturday I haven't seen anything.

 

Feeling good today. Can't wait to see my children tonight. Yesterday was a hard one. Today is a new day with new opportunities. I am going to run with the fun and create a new memory.

[DSP]

Christmas was hard. My middle child also has a birthday on that day. This post will not be a nice one.

 

I baked with my eldest, played with my younger ones. I won at Candy Land and played the matching game and promptly lost to the 4 year old. The baby was exhausted so I walked her around a bit on my shoulder and laid down for the night. Stayed up until midnight playing online games with my eldest and talking all night eating crisps and cola.

 

Had the middle child open a birthday present the night before Christmas. I didn't have one for my eldest or youngest. The present before Christmas morning has been something I've done since I was a little boy and I couldn't do it for my children the first time in my life. I know there are many more people out there that have it worse than me. I see them when I work at the shelter. It does not make my own situation any less painful and upsetting.

 

In the years past we bought our children present with reckless abandonment. We had money to throw away for them so we did. This year I put myself in the hole just to get them a couple gifts. I was so ashamed and angry that I couldn't afford to get my children presents.

 

I swear to every mother****ing deity that has ever existed this will not happen again. I will sell my blood to make sure of this. As the sun will rise tomorrow I tell you now this will never ever happen again.

 

She took my dignity with the one act of betrayal. I will get that back just like I am getting my confidence back.

 

My eldest child is different now, but it seems to be in a good way. She is now more thoughtful of her actions. She seems to genuinely care about my well being. She kept apologizing for not getting me a present. I told her that just being here is a present and all I needed. She is truly bonding with me every time she is here. She brought up the subject of me dating and I asked her why she cared. She said that she didn't want me to be alone and gets sad thinking about me being alone and it would be good for me to move on with a nicer person to make me happy. I heard my eldest tell me to find a better woman than her mother so I will be happy. I didn't know how to take that actually.

 

When they left today I got at least 7 or 8 hugs from my middle child, a bunch of Merry Christmas', a ton of "I love you Daddy" and kisses. Waves and smiles all the way down the road as they left the house.

 

I came back inside and I turned off the tree lights. I sat on the floor and cried very hard. I walked from room to room just thinking about them running into the living room smiling at me as they run to me.

 

I am so ready to get over this. They are having Christmas as a family with the OM and his children. How sick and distorted. I get angry about it all then think to myself.. I'm never going to take her back so why get angry. I am never going to take her back so why care. Honestly that helps even just a little bit.

 

It's not her... **** her and her dysfunctional soul. It's my children and what they have to go through. It's the crushing loneliness when they are not here with me. I miss hearing their voices, seeing their smiles, hearing their footsteps on the floors. I miss feeling their warmth when they sit next to me or smelling their hair when they lay on me to watch TV. I miss them period. I'm crying now. I cry to damn much.

 

This could be worse. I know this could be worse. I have to take what I am given and be thankful for that. This could be so much worse.

 

This year is over in roughly six days.

My life as I knew it is over.

I will forever be scarred from this experience.

My life is never going to be the same.

 

 

Merry Christmas to all of you tonight. I hope you had at least one smile today even if it was from a memory of something past. Merry Christmas to all of you. You will not feel the way you feel now this time next year.

[Downtown]

Merry Christmas to you too, DSP. I'm glad to hear you got to spend much of it with your kids!