He filed, asked for sole custody

[Yasuandio]

No no, it was 10 in the morning. It was my morning to pick up our son, but H never answered the phone and so I just told him I was coming over, morning was getting away. When I came over, no one came to the door. Rather than go in and get baby from some bedroom, I just left, and H called later and brought baby to me at 11:30 in the morning-- on my visitation day. I wasn't there last night.

 

Sorry honey, I stand corrected. Yas

 

PS. That was a really bad mistake. Really. I am feeling terrible for misreading. Please forgive me.

 

I got my own mess, and obviously my comprehension is skewed badly. Oh, dear. I stay off LS.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Yasuandio

[beach]

Next time he isn't available at the right time call the police. You need to start documenting every time anything goes sideways.

 

He may not have been home. Maybe he was at his sisters house.

 

But he may get more compliant if you start having the cops show up .

 

Honestly the guy sounds like he's an active druggie. Require in your court papers that he prove that he's consistently clean over an extended period of time.

 

You need evidence that he's of sound mind because he certainly doesn't act like a grown man who can even take care of himself - let alone a child too.

 

Start documenting so the court can see evidence that he isn't being a responsible parent. No money, no gas? Show it in court papers.

[BetrayedH]

Talk to your attorney but I would recommend you do some math and pick a reasonable set amount of money for him to get weekly until you are legally separated. Don't make exceptions; he needs to budget. You can't horde marital income. Like it or not, all of your assets (unless they are from before the marriage) are marital assets until you're legally separated (generally - it depends on your jurisdiction). Once you're legally separated, you should be able to stop funding him at all provided that your attorney successfully argues that your H is perfectly employable and can support himself.

 

Since your H failed to reasonably communicate about pick up/drop off, I would insist upon a written agreement about days, times, and locations for exchanges before you do so much as one more exchange.

[2sunny]

There should be an immediate way to get a temporary order in place.

 

A set schedule based on reasonable visitation.

Any visitation by H should be based on mandatory drug testing to determine if he's capable of ANY unsupervised visitation.

[jakrbbt]

Sorry honey, I stand corrected. Yas

 

PS. That was a really bad mistake. Really. I am feeling terrible for misreading. Please forgive me.

 

I got my own mess, and obviously my comprehension is skewed badly. Oh, dear. I stay off LS.

 

No worries, Yas. I'm glad to see you'll indeed call me on it if I actually do pull some stunt or lose perspective.

[jakrbbt]

There should be an immediate way to get a temporary order in place.

 

A set schedule based on reasonable visitation.

Any visitation by H should be based on mandatory drug testing to determine if he's capable of ANY unsupervised visitation.

 

A hearing like that is more like a mini-trial. And if H wants to be difficult, more like a full-blown trial with witnesses, discovery et c. only it's the worst of both worlds because it takes several days to a few weeks to set up, and costs plenty of money, but also it's quick enough so that attorneys don't alwasy have a whole lot of time to prepare well. As for immediate access to child, I could file a motion for that (or he could) if it happened that he was really not giving baby back to me. I bet he'll just dink around with things just enough to wildly inconvenience me and baby, mess with baby's sleep and day care schedule, mess with my work schedule, but not actually give enough reason to call the cops. Possibly one reason he is refusing to agree to any set pick-up and drop-off times.

 

Divorce with a PA: What a horrible ride. I am so damn glad I'm doing this now, rather than ten years from now.

 

You know what I hate? Checking email with a sense of dread. Ugh.

 

But on some level, something in me is doing a lot better already, than when I lived with him. I'm eating again. I'm referencing poetry and history like I used to. I suddenly am in touch with friends, not too embarrassed to call or write. A lot of stuff is worse, but some part of me must know that this is better than staying was. If only I didn't fear some bad outcome for my son.

 

For H, it's a power struggle. An enormous one, the ultimate power struggle. He HAS to control me. He's so extreme, I remember when he told me that I was "controlling" him by taking a bath at night, when he wasn't even going to sleep yet, simply because he could hear the water running in the next room. The best way for him to control me is to get my child. In his mind, me having even partial custody would mean that I am controlling him. And that mindset scares me. I hope he calms down with it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Next time he isn't available at the right time call the police. You need to start documenting every time anything goes sideways.

Beach, I think you normally get directly to the point but I disagree with this advice.

 

As frustrating as standing around is, getting the police involved on anything but the most serious matters can begin a downward spiral into crazyland.

 

Patience is most definitely a virtue in these matters and P/A exes often get tired of head games when they don't get a reaction from you.

 

So while I would indeed document, I wouldn't involve police or lawyers in late drop offs early on. Again, think long term...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Well, H is stonewalling me in my opinion, and being very obstructionist. His parenting plan is so vague that now that I have a few important work dates coming up, and day care to pay for and reserve, I am frustrated at every turn. I keep having to contact h daily and basically ask him when I can get our son, or when he will get our son. If I have to have my mother pick up our son because I never heard back and had to work, H refuses to let her pick him up (she's very sane and competent and even H always liked her-- everyone does).

 

He wants to be the gatekeeper.

 

He says he'll get back to me an things and then does not. He completely ignores me when I say we need pickup and drop-off times. His plan is so vague, it can be interpreted wildly differently. I've still not been able to really go into the office more than one or 2 days a week. And the first night away from my son, I was so unsure of what was going on, I barely slept at all-- though it's largely my own responsibility to calm down and take care of myself whenever I have the time.

 

I can't deal with him. I've emailed my attorney and described what's going on. I'd rather pay money at this point to let my lawyer deal with his lawyer, much as I'd wanted to avoid that. Our toddler is seeing a therapist and a doctor to evaluate his late walking (though he's very advanced with speech and comprehension) and his transitions. H angrily disregards any advice from them. Therapist says our son should have the same basic sleep schedule at both houses-- H won't let him wake at a normal hour and makes him go back to sleep in H's bed until 10 or 11. H objects to day care, though doctor and therapist both recommend some day care for socialization (and I am not planning more than two half-days per week). I guess my lawyer can convey to his lawyer that a plan where I"m supposed to check with him daily, and refrain from any daycare on my days even against specialists' advice, and blow off my job in order to live by unemployed H's sleep schedule, will not work.

 

Anyone else ever divorce a passive-aggressive? ???

[Trimmer]

Just out of curiosity, how assertive is your attorney being in this process? It seems like you guys are being left to work out your own parenting plan, which is great if it works, but it seems clear that it's not. The WHOLE POINT of a parenting plan is to clearly lay out the details - not to leave them for discussion at a later date. I know it's money, but it seems like you are pounding your head against a wall trying to do it yourself here - isn't this partly what an attorney is for?

[jakrbbt]

Just out of curiosity, how assertive is your attorney being in this process? It seems like you guys are being left to work out your own parenting plan, which is great if it works, but it seems clear that it's not. The WHOLE POINT of a parenting plan is to clearly lay out the details - not to leave them for discussion at a later date. I know it's money, but it seems like you are pounding your head against a wall trying to do it yourself here - isn't this partly what an attorney is for?

 

It's only the temporary parenting plan that we're working out-- before the actual divorce judgment that would come with its own parenting plan. If we litigate it, that would be as expensive as litigating that aspect of a trial. The long-term parenting plan will come with either settlement or trial after discovery, investigation, any necessary petitions, attorneys' letters et c.

 

I can't get over the fact that H's sister told him in April: "I'm proud of you!" (for seeing a divorce attorney after he spied on my computer and saw that I was unhappy and that my counselor said I was in an abusive relationship). And that his friend-- sister's girlfriend-- said "Call in the troops, we're outa here!" after the same event. What are they so offended by? That I didn't want to stay in a reportedly abusive relationship where H refused to discuss the problems? What do they think that they have on me?

[beach]

Pay the attorney to get you a solid consistent schedule lined up. Most suggest two weeks with you and then two weeks with him.

 

That would ease the tension at least for now.

[jakrbbt]

Yes, it may be that I have no choice but to use the attorney for this easy, non-strategic-stage task that should be worked out among the parties. If h can't enlighten me on the details of his proposed parenting plan, let alone on why he objects to day care or ER trips, then how could I possibly ever co-parent with him if we had joint custody?

 

And when does the toxic feeling of having a close enemy go away?

 

We shouldn't be enemies. Sure, this is hard, but it's for the best, and we have to look out for our child now. Though come to think of it, H has gone behind my back and invaded my privacy and generally treated me like a mortal enemy for many months, if not our entire marriage. Beach, you think that that toxic feeling of having a close enemy will dissipate when we're no longer in daily contact? If so, then it's worth paying a lawyer more, rather than letting h be the "gatekeeper" who pretty much necessitates ongoing daily contact, without letting me send grandma to pick up the child. I think he wants to keep contact with me, because he sure knows how to mess with me.

 

Or else he is not ready for the sick marriage to really end, and is keeping the divorce just like the marriage was-- me doing the work, research, and communication, me supporting him, and him setting himself up as gatekeeper to my freedom, work, and parenting, while not actually doing parenting tasks himself, me worrying while he stonewalls, then backing down and agreeing to bad ideas just to keep him from retaliating, all with the idea of protecting my son from his apparent mental illness . . .

[jakrbbt]

It usually comes down to a version of the oft-quoted Serenity prayer:

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

We've all heard it, now you'll get to live it.

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I think I'm starting to get this, with a counselor's help. My husband has a personality disorder-- that's who he is, it's not just going to go away. He'll use opportunities to inappropriately exercise his version of "control." He'll manipulate-- and sometimes he'll do it successfully, just because of the situation. I can't always put it in check. But I'll have a lot more situations where I can make choices for my and my son's future now, than if we stayed married-- even if H still sabotages in areas he has no right to.

 

For example, Monday is my day with our son. But I have to be at an all-day work event an hour away. I told H that I was offering him first choice to be with our son Monday rather than third-party care; he said he'd get back to me and then never did. I emailed him, telling him that I had to know by Wed night. I added that if I didn't hear back from him by then, then I'd assume he wasn't taking me up on the offer to take our son, and I'd come get him at exactly 7:15 Monday morning. I've reserved day care and can't cancel it now without forfeiting the cost.

 

He never got back to me. I am pretty much expecting that, when I get to his house Monday morning (which is very much out of my way), he will choose that moment to tell me that I can't have our son that day. He'll say it's unreasonable for me to put him in daycare all day rather than let him be with his daddy. I need to a) not internally freak out and be a nervous wreck for days like in the past, and b) figure out what I'll do if and when that happens.

[2sunny]

I think I'm starting to get this, with a counselor's help. My husband has a personality disorder-- that's who he is, it's not just going to go away. He'll use opportunities to inappropriately exercise his version of "control." He'll manipulate-- and sometimes he'll do it successfully, just because of the situation. I can't always put it in check. But I'll have a lot more situations where I can make choices for my and my son's future now, than if we stayed married-- even if H still sabotages in areas he has no right to.

 

For example, Monday is my day with our son. But I have to be at an all-day work event an hour away. I told H that I was offering him first choice to be with our son Monday rather than third-party care; he said he'd get back to me and then never did. I emailed him, telling him that I had to know by Wed night. I added that if I didn't hear back from him by then, then I'd assume he wasn't taking me up on the offer to take our son, and I'd come get him at exactly 7:15 Monday morning. I've reserved day care and can't cancel it now without forfeiting the cost.

 

He never got back to me. I am pretty much expecting that, when I get to his house Monday morning (which is very much out of my way), he will choose that moment to tell me that I can't have our son that day. He'll say it's unreasonable for me to put him in daycare all day rather than let him be with his daddy. I need to a) not internally freak out and be a nervous wreck for days like in the past, and b) figure out what I'll do if and when that happens.

 

Pick the child up on Sun evening or have him drop off the child then.

 

He doesn't work! Why are you the one that keeps bending over backwards for his sorry a$$?

 

In fact, just go pick up the baby and don't let husband have the child at all! Arrange daycare for each day you're not working and pretend like he doesn't exist.

 

If he wants reasonable visitation then HE can start getting MORE compliant! Stop making it easy for him to have the child and thus, screw you over by being inconsistent and inconsiderate.

 

Make HIM get a court date sooner! Any police that may visit you would only need to be told you can have whatever visitation you want since the judge hasn't made a ruling YET!

 

I wish you hadn't allowed him to know where you live now.

[tippydog90]

You are letting him walk all over you I hate to say and you are "fretting" about all of this. Take definitive action. Draw out your own parenting plan, tell him that is what the plan will be, period. Send it to him via certified mail and hand him a copy. Tell him in no way is he going to jeopardize your job with his antics. Tell him that in spite of the fact that he sits around all day on his *ss, you actually have responsibilities to attend to. And jakrbt you keep talking about 50/50 custody of your child with him. To be honest with you, I think you need to do a bit more thinking on that, this man sounds like nothing more than a child and an irresponsible parent. In no way based on any of your past posts, do I think there is any way this man should have your child 50% of the time. I think the guy just sounds creepy, sorry to say that, but I would pull out all the stops to have your child as much as absolutely possible.

[jakrbbt]

You are letting him walk all over you I hate to say and you are "fretting" about all of this. Take definitive action. Draw out your own parenting plan, tell him that is what the plan will be, period. Send it to him via certified mail and hand him a copy. Tell him in no way is he going to jeopardize your job with his antics. Tell him that in spite of the fact that he sits around all day on his *ss, you actually have responsibilities to attend to. And jakrbt you keep talking about 50/50 custody of your child with him. To be honest with you, I think you need to do a bit more thinking on that, this man sounds like nothing more than a child and an irresponsible parent. In no way based on any of your past posts, do I think there is any way this man should have your child 50% of the time. I think the guy just sounds creepy, sorry to say that, but I would pull out all the stops to have your child as much as absolutely possible.

 

If H is truly not a safe or stable enough adult to be a 50/50 parent, I'd rather let the judge make that determination in the end-- with, of course, all the information and all my concerns voiced (no more making excuses for him). But I'd like to be reasonable in my initial offer, and see whether he can do the 50% parenting because as some have said, many fathers do step up. Yes I worry about his emotional treatment of the child, and things like making him go back to sleep for another two or three hours after waking at a normal hour in the morning. Or being impatient, refusing to let our toddler learn new skills like feeding himself or walking, or basically seeing the child as someone to validate H's insecure feelings about himself, or as a meal ticket, or as someone to control me with. I worry about where in the heck H is going to live when his lease (and my supporting him) runs out-- and what baby's 50 percent with him will be like then, if he can even have that time where he is.

 

In other words, I'm separating the temporary parenting plan, from whatever happens in the end, after the lawyers, mediator, and potentially the judge, have all the information (including whatever happens during the temporary parenting plan stage).

 

But if I "decide" all those matters now myself, and keep our son with me, I feel that that's not reasonable and it's not giving him a chance to either succeed or fail-- either way, to show the court how he treats his child and how he co-parents with his ex. And more importantly, my son does miss his daddy when he's away from him. I just have to identify the line between what I think is fair and good for our son, and what I think is just something that will accommodate my retaliatory ex. Right now, before giving him a chance, I don't know whether 50/50 is good for our son. It's scary to test it. But better to find out now, and have something to point to in court, than to just get an order for 50/50 in the long term and then have to deal with that not working for our son.

 

I guess those are my thoughts anyway-- I'm not totally convinced, and want to put it out there because I might not have fully explained it.

 

The advice about drawing up a parenting plan is well-taken. I will, and I'll include such details as what happens if you're 20 mins late on a weekday or 45 mins late on a weekend, who may pick up son if not parent, whether non-state-accredited third-party care other than grandparents have to be approved by the other parent, both parents reasonably apprising each other of wellbeing, feeding and sleep, injuries, et c. H won't like it I am sure. He will show it immediately to his sister, without even reading it himself. Maybe I should just email it to her.

Edited October 24, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Yasuandio]

Firstly, you have to send your plans for baby to husband, not to his other caregivers.. Cause not sending plan to husband could be interpreted as retalitory move. I'm sure you know that. You were just being facious.

 

I'm also concerned about the day husband runs out of rent money, or grocery money for that matter. This is another situation that opposing council can spin. For example, Husband's attorney might state at a temporary hearing, in an opening statement:

 

"Jkrbbit walked out of the family home, closed the bank accounts, and left poor Mr. Jkrbbit high and dry. He has always had the full time job of child care and a stay at father, which also entails many other responsibilities, that we are sure Ms. Jkrbbit, Attorney at Law, will agree he has consistently maintained magnificiently, when she is under oath. Yet now, Ms. Jkrbbit decided to walk out on this comitted SAHD, taking their child miles away from the family home, with less than 24 hours notice.

 

Natually, my Client was shocked. The duties of a SAH parent are enormous and can be overwelming as many Stay at Home Moth errs are aware (housekeeping, grocery shopping, infant care, laundry, me preparations, care of spouses needs, etc.). My Client is understandably perplexed that his wife walked out on him, and simply took their child to another PREPREPARED premises many miles away from the family home. Just overnight, without warning, this professional woman, that has always controlled the household finances, just decides, on a whim, that she wants to live the "singles life!" She even emasculated my Client to the point of tears, when he had to beg her for some gas money to come to see his own child!

 

"My client has provided an outstanding home and care for his professional wife and child, so that Ms. Jkrabbit caould peacefully (without one iota of domestic responsibilies), persue her legal career. Now that she is at the pentacle of her profession and has achieved xyz success, she decides to walk out of the the wonderful home my Client, setting aside his own aspirations, has created for his family?" For what reason, Judge?" Let me answer that question....

 

"Ms. Jkrbbit is finished using my Client, and is ready to move on to greener-grasses, I mean pastures. I will show that Ms. Jkrbbit put her work and career before her child and her marital responsibilies. She even refused to even sleep in the marital bed, and refused intimacy with my Client since the birth of the baby."

 

"My client loves his son with all his heart, and cannot bear to have him ripped out of his loving arms only to be sent to Ms. Jkrbbit 's paid day care center." Why should my Client's life with his son be completely turned up-side-down, just because 32 year old Ms. Jkrbbit has suddenly decided she wants to visit the SINGLE LIFESTYLE again? What about little baby? How will he be affected being dragged back and forth to Ms. Jkrbbit Bacholorette pad, and day care center? How can such compare to the consistent nurturing home life that has been established and can continue to function with Mr. Jkrabbit's consistent ongoing care, assistance of loving relatives, sister, grandmother, etc.? How can a day care facility, Ms. Jkrbbit ' s day and night "so-called business" activities - extending into the early morning hours (see internet records), replace the normalcy of an extended FAMILY, this is the question Judge.

 

We respectfully request that Ms. Jkrabbit continue to support baby's household dispute her desire to live in an alternate environment, X miles from Mr. Jkrabbit. If it is her wish to walk away from the established lifestyle that is most beneficial to her Sons interests, that is her choice. However, Mr. Jkrabbit has supported Ms. Jkrabbit career at the pentacle of it's currest development, and, as such, future proceeds from this arrangment, I intend to argue Ms. Jkrbbts future income to be marital property.

 

These marital funds from Ms Jakrbbt future income can be slated for alimony in the amount of $ xxxxx.00 per month to be paid to Mr. Jckrabbit so he may continue his role as s Stay at Home Father, with 100% sole Custody. Futhermore, we request The State's formula be applied for child support to be granted to Mr. Jkrabbit."

 

END.

 

That is just off the top of my head. And I'm not an attorney. Imagine if I (or a sharp attorney) really worked this angle. This could garner some sympathy for him (in today's climate of equality for men).

 

Just an experimental Devil's advocate point of view to think about. Even though I realize, this argument is pure BULL, realize that Jkrbbit, ok?

 

If I were his attorney, I'd get you in Court right awat, so a payment plan to him could be established on the record, and later on, an alimony might be set at or about the same amount. I mean, the precedence would have been set.

 

When you deny him gas money, it almost forces this temporary order. Then on the other hand, it might be a good idea to bite the bullet and perhap judge will tell him to get a job.

 

But if you wait till he runs out of money, then deny him money, you look like the meanie. But when you fund once again, you set the precidence that you are the willing funding agent. It is like you are screwed either way.

 

I think the best thing is get to the judge before you get called a meanie, and he claims hardship. Instead of YOU framing the parameters of when he is "to become" self sufficient, let a Judge do that job. It is pretty easy to predict that when rent is due, (after your rent payments run out), he won't have the money, or the job.

 

Then, it starts all over again. You have on record, made your good faith efforts. And it will take time to get into Court. But I thing you need to stop playing Dr. Jkrabbit on yourself, and allow another surging to handle all these initial things.

 

You husband is never going to be normal. And you are never going to get a normal response to your reasonable requests.

 

I don't know why we keep at it, Jkrbbit. It is. Easy to point at your back yard, when mine has been in a condemned state for your entire lifetime. I recognize a messed up back yard when I see it. And honey, nothing new, I still expect normal results, at times, like a stupid fool. Recently, for example, thru email, VM, and text on my part:

 

1. Have you received my escrow refund checks? No answer, NC."

 

2. Mortgage company states they sent my escrow payments to your address, can you forward to me? No answer, NC.

 

3. I sort of need those escrow refund checks, do you have them by chance? No answer. NC

 

4. Mortgage Company sent out, an extra escrow refund check by mistake. They need me to re-emerge the amount of $865, ot return the check. Do you have the check? No answer. NC

 

5. I'm out over $2700 because I had to pay mortgage company for the check they sent out by mistake. Aldo, I need that refund escrow check they sent me to reimburse for charging me escrow by error. They say you have received both of these checks. I need the checks. Please forward. No Answer. NC

 

6. I'm sort of short on money, and AC is broken, 95 degrees in the house. I would like to have my money. These extra payments have caused me to be behind on my bills. Please, send these funds back to me. No Answer. NC

 

7. Here is a copy of one of the $865 mortgage checks you endorsed and cashed. Need you to reimburse this to me. You were well aware of these funds that were coming, and that they were escrow refunds on my property for my overpayment. You k ow these funds should have been directed to me. I need my money. No answer. NC.

 

Am I like getting anywhere? Duh.

 

He refuses to sign the Warrrenty Deeds to the homes to me like the Judge ordered two years ago. That is why Mortgage company sends my money to him. Dafuq can I do? Nothing. I have no money for attorney.

 

1 thru 7 above, actually is a tiny window of that drama. An example of doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results (Einstein's theoretical definition of insanity). This is definitely driving me insane.

 

In your case jkrbbit, often, you have "hopes" (that is a nice name for delusional belief system) that Mr. Jkrbbit will at some point turn into a reasonable co-parent. I completely understand that. Even after 32 years, I want to believe former husband might act like a decent person.

 

I think something is, severely wrong with me to actually think he would act decent. Don't let this happen to you. I have a serious illness now. I can just save myself with my career, I am too messed up, as you might have observed on occasion. LS community is very compassionate and understanding when I hit the deep end, and they let me know. That's why there us a little red dot in the bottom right of my posts. I would never want your career to get messed up, like mine did. Be very careful. I try my best to pay it forward for the nice people that have been here for me on LS. Even if my posts are a bit koo-koo at times.

 

I shut up now. Hope everything goes well this weekend. Do nice things for yourself. Yas

Edited October 24, 2014 by Yasuandio

[jakrbbt]

Ugh. Based on some questions he asked me, for a form he was filling out, (he claimed not to even know what it was), I think he's going to ask for temporary child and spousal support.

 

And that is why he was forcing the issue and asking for 50/50 parenting time even during this temporary parenting time period. It strengthens his claim (though not by much) that he needs $$$ from me right now.

 

If I were rich, who cares. But I have to take care of my child, and all H"s money goes into a black hole of debts, garnishment, and hobbies while he sleeps till noon and fails to look for work.

 

OK, for various reasons (including our state's child support calculator), he's not entitled to very much child support even if we're 50/50. And again, I don't begrudge the amount he'd be awarded-- IF he could spend it on the child and on a reasonably responsible life. What I dont like is that he's wanting 50/50 with child, without addressing my reasonable safety concerns, and without having had him 50% of time before, only to get temporary support. I know he'll likely get zero temporary support, and if he gets some, it'll be an amount I can handle and the court won't order me to support him (there are some legal reasons for that). But I hate that he's using our child as a cash cow.

 

 

Essentially, he's going to use our "agreement" (our non-agreement that he bullied out of me by stonewalling) to 50% temporary custody to show that he needs support-- when I believe there's a very good chance that a judge would NOT give him 50% parenting time in the end, after having all the evidence and the facts. And I think he knows that. And that is why he's trying to get it out of me instead, then go to court and get a money award now, then just ask for the cash cow to keep making regular payments later on. During the hearing, I'll try to point out that I doubt 50% is best for child, I have serious reservations about that that I'd want addressed, but that I had no choice for now because H is not really giving me any parenting plan and is saying he won't give the child back or that we'll have to litigate the issue, if I have our child any more than 50%.

 

And I HATE the thought of going to court to litigate any of this. What happened to lawyers and mediation? He's going to force a hearing, with painful testimony and expensive attorney fees and MORE time taken off work for me? Why? So he can not-work? So he can get a hundred and fifty bucks a month from me after I've paid my lawyer thousands of borrowed dollars? I'd understand it if the request were reasonable. But I do NOT want to litigate stuff when I'm just barely getting on my feet and trying to get back into work and transitioning my toddler with the help of child specialists, and transitioning myself with the help of my new therapist.

 

I guess I'm low-conflict, want to mediate, and he's taking advantage of that.

Edited October 25, 2014 by jakrbbt

[beach]

No need to answer any questions he has!!!

 

And if he "forces" a hearing - great! That way you can disclose all the crap he's pulled and ask the court to award an order that works FOR YOU.

 

Mondays don't work for you, that's obvious so let him have that day. The judge can determine what money he IS capable of earning and use that number for his earning potential.

 

You won't get what you need from him by being nice!!! Do it need to repeat that over again so you get that?

 

So ask the court for EVERYTHING you want awarded! Stop thinking it's a bad thing to have a judge review it - at this point, it's a good thing!

 

Your H has control issues and probably personality disorders that will keep him roadblocking you at every turn.

 

Think a few years down the road and plan for a LONG TERM parenting order. When the child is in school you will need him on school hours. Your H won't have that luxury of putting the child back to bed for several hours. H is a selfish jerk who uses the child like a weapon - and tell the judge that.

 

If H isn't looking out for the child's best interest then he shouldn't have the child.

 

And demand a drug test. Your H isn't looking like "sober" behavior. Quite the opposite.

 

 

On a side note - maybe sister review everything because he can't read? Have you ever seen him read and comprehend what he's read? It's odd he can't read his own papers. But don't answer any questions he's asking! If he needs money that badly he can go to work.

 

Stop mediating and start fighting!

[jakrbbt]

No need to answer any questions he has!!!

 

And if he "forces" a hearing - great! That way you can disclose all the crap he's pulled and ask the court to award an order that works FOR YOU.

 

Mondays don't work for you, that's obvious so let him have that day. The judge can determine what money he IS capable of earning and use that number for his earning potential.

 

You won't get what you need from him by being nice!!! Do it need to repeat that over again so you get that?

 

So ask the court for EVERYTHING you want awarded! Stop thinking it's a bad thing to have a judge review it - at this point, it's a good thing!

 

Your H has control issues and probably personality disorders that will keep him roadblocking you at every turn.

 

Think a few years down the road and plan for a LONG TERM parenting order. When the child is in school you will need him on school hours. Your H won't have that luxury of putting the child back to bed for several hours. H is a selfish jerk who uses the child like a weapon - and tell the judge that.

 

If H isn't looking out for the child's best interest then he shouldn't have the child.

 

And demand a drug test. Your H isn't looking like "sober" behavior. Quite the opposite.

 

 

On a side note - maybe sister review everything because he can't read? Have you ever seen him read and comprehend what he's read? It's odd he can't read his own papers. But don't answer any questions he's asking! If he needs money that badly he can go to work.

 

Stop mediating and start fighting!

 

Yeah, I fear the expense and I realllly fear the litigation tactics he'll use-- he won't be honest, and he's desperate.

 

But I am getting that I can't give in to ANY of his wishes unless they're things I already think are reasonable and are in child's best interests. And to be honest, 50/50 is not good for our son, because H is not a responsible parent. But also, 70/30 (what we did for the first week) had our son crying a lot whenever daddy said goodbye. E

 

ven though H only really had our son for about 44 hours/week while we were married (that includes any evening or weekend interaction he'd have), they're bonded, and our son was confused by not living with him and only visiting him a few daytimes the first week.

 

But I have a HUGE concern: So, H used to put our child to bed most the time, then went to half the time (except the fairly frequent times he was out of town). He'd always shut the door and forbid me going in the room at all. One night, he came in to help get our toddler to bed for whatever reason and we had the rare situation where I stayed. H HELD HIS LEGS DOWN by holding his two little shins, HARD, squeezing more tightly whenever our son would squirm (as toddlers do at night). What was weird, was that our son didn't cry as much as I'd expect-- he let out several frustrated sounds but just kept trying not to squirm. I think he was used to being held down like that. I hated it, and when I gently mentioned it, H went ballistic that I would dare question anything he does. I don't want an ugly and expensive custody study, but I think I have to fight for my child. I think it's possibly abuse, and should at least be explained (e.g., H going to parenting classes) before any more overnights.

 

And yes, I think I'm getting the picture, that the more I "appease" or accommodate my H, the worse he gets and the more he starts trying to exercise inappropriate amounts of control. The only questions for me regarding a hearing or custody study are, what is my risk in court, and can I afford the expense. NOT, what will H think and do. I am now thinking that the nicer I am to him, the worse he is.

Edited October 25, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Yasuandio]

One night, he came in to help get our toddler to bed for whatever reason and we had the rare situation where I stayed. H HELD HIS LEGS DOWN by holding his two little shins, HARD, squeezing more tightly whenever our son would squirm (as toddlers do at night). What was weird, was that our son didn't cry as much as I'd expect-- he let out several frustrated sounds but just kept trying not to squirm. I think he was used to being held down like that. I hated it, and when I gently mentioned it, H went ballistic that I would dare question anything he does. I don't want an ugly and expensive custody study, but I think I have to fight for my child. I think it's possibly abuse, and should at least be explained (e.g., H going to parenting classes) before any more overnights.

 

Honey, Im not trying to criticize you. I am seeing a pattern, like a scientist. I dont want to hurt you, bug I need to let you see what I am seeing. If you want me not to provide analysis when I see it, just PM me. OK, here goes.

 

I hate to tell you this, but the "foot restraint" bomb you dropped a few posts back sounds like just another example of your pattern of minimizing hidious and/or bizarre conduct on the part of your husband.The next step I've observed in this pattern is a tendency to later amplify husband's particular bizarre conduct, as you have herein with bold type, simultaniouly trickle-truthing additional horrendous details. I believe it is at this point that you become complete mortifed and overwelmed with these situations, and react, understandably, in a way that suggests that the options/choices are more limited than they really are (in past encounters, you've catastrophised speaking up, the expectation of basic marital responsibilities and relations from husband, approaching husband with importand issues for fear of his hurt feeling, evening walking on eggshells to have a bath, etc.).

 

Due to these concerns, it appears life is easier, more manageable to simply evade, minamize,or catroprophize the outcome of any action that might face yet another hidious problem (thereby allowing a reasoned, denial state for your psychological survival). In this case, the rationale you apply to maintain your sanity is a reasoned but faulty arguement that the only way out of the "foot restrait" situation is an expensive custody study (e.g., the catastrophy).I am not theorizing that you are a bad person, only that I am observing a pattern I believe that has manifest itself it help you servive. Once you see, consider, and apply alterate ideas, answers, solutions to the delimmas you have posed the forum, eventually, your paradigm has eventially shifted - most times, dramatically.

 

Now allow me to pose an alternate approach to the foot-restraint issue, as it is indeed an abusive condioning method your husband is applying to the child for a certain compliance (thus far, we know for elimination of squirming, and possible to stop babies crying). We dont know how long this inappropriate condioning treatment has been applied. Nor do we know ALL the outcomes this conditioning treatment is used to illicit. There may also be additional conditioning treatment of which you are unaware. One thing you know is that the baby is responding to the treatment, per your observation.

 

Here is your immediate and emergency solution (that should have been looked into before now, so be thinking of a good reason that it is now being brought to light). The phychiatrist and Medical Doctors can perform a variation of the treatment and observe/assess/analyze the babies response - and provide a diagnosis, and recommrndations on where to go from here. But it is certainly not wise to remain completely MUTE about a dangerious developmental issue such as you describe in bold, that might actually be much worse than you evemn realize (especially in context of the other bizarre conduct of husband). And jkrbbit, please, please, dont tell us "you'll talk to him." That would be the most insane response I could ever imagine from you, hon. OK. I hope this analysis has been helpful to you. It was meant in the best of good faith. Yas

Edited October 25, 2014 by Yasuandio

[tippydog90]

After all the things you have said relative to your husbands behavior with your child, frankly i do not think that man should be alone with him period. And I struggle to understand why you would even be thinking along the lines of 50 50 custody, I would not advise anything close to that. You keep disclosing this bizarre behavior, yet in the same post will discuss joint custody. I just am not understanding your thought process. The simple fact alone that he forbids you to come in your childs room when he is tucking him in is a HUGE red flag. Just curius as to why you would ever go along with that? That would put me on high alert alone. And holding down his legs is abuse. The man should be no where near that child at this point, and i would get temporary measures in place immediately to address everything.

[jakrbbt]

Yeah, the point of 50/50 was that that's what all the judges are doing and they don't wanna hear about it unless it's clear-cut abuse. So I was trying to avoid a costly custody hearing plus looking bad for trying to litigate the parenting time at this early stage.

 

However, now that I'm living away from H, I'm more clear-headed and far less likely to minimize his awful crap for fear of retaliation. And even though 50/50 is likely in most cases, maybe not this one. If it happens, I've decided I don't want it to happen unless the judge or mediator really knows my concerns first. What I don't know is, will going along with 50/50 now make it more likely that the judge will order it in the final order? And also, I have to balance reasonableness, and recognition that a child needs both parents, with protection of my son. And from a confused vantage point of an emotionally abused spouse-- because that's what I was.

 

i haven't really agreed to 50-50 yet, as we have no detailed plan in place, but H insisted that if he doesn't have our son at least half the time, we'll need a hearing as he refused to mediate. Well, he was calling my bluff. I didn't want the stress and enormous expense of a temporary custody hearing-- but now I am not so sure. He wants half-time so he can claim child support. He never had our son even close to half-time before. I was wanting to appear reasonable, wanting to be reasonable and give him a chance to improve his parenting skills and inclination. But now, I fear that he'll damage our son while I'm giving him that chance.

 

I'm wondering whether a horrible hearing is worth it. I'd like to ask for 70/30 and require H to explain some safety concerns to the satisfaction of me, a judge, or a custody evaluator (but custody evaluation would cost several thousand $).

 

I've started the process of getting our son evaluated at a state-run early-childhood evaluation center that is very used to testifying in court. If there are signs of abuse or emotional trauma, I hope they can catch them. And they can likely weigh in on whether certain things (forcing child back to bed in the morning) are detrimental to development.

 

Even if H isn't doing abuse behind that bedroom door, he's irresponsible to say the least. My guess is that even if the court orders 50/50, H will not follow through on it when our son starts school. How will he get him up in the morning and take him to school? How will he show up at ballgames and help with homework and such? He may slowly all but disappear. Sad for our son, but if he's just doing all this for money and retaliation, then isn't that the likely future?

 

Not that I'll sit around and count on that. I'm going to ask for 70/30 unless some experts tell me that's not good for our son in our particular case-- and I'm not going to ask H. I'm asking the court. We're a long way off from that, and the question for now is whether to let him fail and show his true colors with supposed 50/50, or whether to litigate parenting time right away.

Edited October 26, 2014 by jakrbbt

[beach]

Since you don't yet have any agreement with your husband through the court you could literally just keep the child 24/7 and arrange daycare for the days you need it.

 

Of course don't tell your H where the daycare is.

 

Stop telling him ANY information. When he asks any question simply look him straight in the eye with dead silence.

 

There's NO order that's forcing you to hand over your child to a man that looks to be a bad influence.

 

I hope you're keeping documentation - you're going to need it when the court date comes.

 

You can't reason with a crazy person!!! So stop trying to.

 

You've been married to a guy who used you and wants to continue using you so he doesn't have to work. Well, it's time for him to grow the hell up and that means you stop making his life easier.

 

Use silence or "NO" for every response to him.

 

 

 

Have you taken the time to read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie (sp?) yet?

[jakrbbt]

Since you don't yet have any agreement with your husband through the court you could literally just keep the child 24/7 and arrange daycare for the days you need it.

 

Of course don't tell your H where the daycare is.

 

Stop telling him ANY information. When he asks any question simply look him straight in the eye with dead silence.

 

There's NO order that's forcing you to hand over your child to a man that looks to be a bad influence.

 

I hope you're keeping documentation - you're going to need it when the court date comes.

 

You can't reason with a crazy person!!! So stop trying to.

 

You've been married to a guy who used you and wants to continue using you so he doesn't have to work. Well, it's time for him to grow the hell up and that means you stop making his life easier.

 

Use silence or "NO" for every response to him.

 

 

 

Have you taken the time to read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie (sp?) yet?

 

Yes to the book, but I wish she'd written one for people who are already out of the relationship or know they want to be out. I've also started counseling. I don't want to be another factor dooming my child's future. If I'm codependent and cowering, I want my counselor to tell me so, and to give me the tools to get over that behavior. But living apart from H is helping a lot, too.

 

One thing the counselor told me: "You are laboring under the belief that if you just accommodate him enough, he'll back down and become reasonable. And that is completely mistaken." He advised me not to do anything for H unless it's something I'd do anyway, regardless of how H behaves afterward.

 

My problem with not giving our child back is twofold: 1) the child would be confused, and would miss his dad, and 2) slightly less importantly, it would look pretty bad in court, unless I had a very good reason-- and I'm checking with experts. The court cares about which parent would foster a relationship between the child and the other parent-- as well it should. So I have to think llong-term. Yes, I'd rather husband just work with me and/or a confidential, trusted expert in becoming a constructive and safe parent, instead of me making accusations in court. He'll make accusations back, and they'll be untrue and super stressful. But this is what I'm looking at. He's not likely to work with me at all. The fight will be horrible, but he won't come out of it with custody of our child and a bunch of my money to spend on hobbies and addictions, having duped the court.

 

I have to stop fearing the short-run, for the long run. It's one or the other that's going to be OK with me. I must choose long-run.

 

In the meantime, I would like to leave it mostly in the hands of my attorney, and focus on 1)parenting, 2)my job, and 3) (finally) my health. I'm so obsessed with this custody problem. I'm still very present with my son, still doing all the parenting tasks well. But I'm terribly distracted from work, so that I feel like an alien-impostor when I'm in the office. And I could use some green tea and stints on the treadmill, sleep might happen one day too. My job, health, and stability are things that my child needs me to have. How do you take care of yourself while in the eye of the storm?