He filed, asked for sole custody

[Miss Clavel]

I told my unemployed husband that I was moving out, and would pay his rent and utilities for 2 months. He took 4 days to go sailing and process things, so I took the time off work. But I told him we'd need to agree on a temporary parenting plan, or else go to court for one, and that I'd prefer mediating one.

 

He agreed on a 5-day plan where I have baby overnight (baby co-sleeps with me, h has always slept in separate room separate part of house), I get him most evenings and some weekdays.

 

But then H filed divorce petition, and is asking for sole custody.

 

He's also asking for spousal support. From a one-year marriage, where he worked a bit but squandered all his money on hobbies, and refused to get a regular job or contribute to any expenses or even watch our baby during all my telecommute work days.

 

Now one misconception I will clear up: It does not at all matter in my state who files first. There is no benefit or edge to being petitioner, and there are policy reasons for that. But it's the sole custody claim that I'm reeling from.

 

I tried to be very accommodating, tried to avoid using lawyers if possible, paid for 6 months of car insurance for him and am now paying a driving-while-uninsured ticket he got because he says it's my fault for not quickly enough ensuring the car I bought for him (I tried to insure it, insurance company wanted verification that his lic was not suspended, he never got it to me). I bought him a bunch of diapers, baby stuff, bla bla bla. I offered a very generous settlement beyond that, much more than he could get in his wildest dreams for our 1 and a half year marriage in which he never stepped up as dad and never got a steady job and was unemployed before marriage, and worked very part-time last year but squandered one hundred per cent of the earnings on hobbies and cigars. I did other stuff for him too, too much to go into here-- all trying to come to a peaceful settlement and just get the heck out of here without him retaliating against me.

 

However, I have also consulted the best lawyer in town and will be retaining him tomorrow. I am too weirdly paranoid to go into attorney advice even in an anonymous forum, but the point of this is, I have moved from accommodation to litigation.

 

Yes, I want what is good for my son. But my husband can only claim to be a functioning father because I am holding him up, moving the puppet strings, bringing home the paycheck, doing all the chores and shopping, cooking all baby's meals, setting up diapers and medicines and pediatric visits and all, coming home and taking baby immediately, having him all evening all night and all weekend, taking care of all husband's doctor appts and taxes and administrative stuff too because he can't function. . . And he uses his position at the top of my shoulders to claim that he can handle and deserves sole custody.

 

His reason I cannot have custody? That I work. That's right, the reason he thinks I can't have custody is I am employed. And I work from home 3 days per week! I have been caring for our baby 80 percent of the time, 60-70 if you don't count overnights (but oh, those overnights count). Baby needs both parents, which is why I tried to mold husband into a non-deadbeat dad by basically doing it all for him. I am no longer going to do any of that. I won't hinder him from getting a job and functioning and shopping for diapers, but I've got my own diaper-buying and job-doing to do.

 

You guys on my previous threads were right: It was fruitless to try to be generous with a deadbeat. He was a deadbeat dad with his first child from different wife (now that child is 19 and pregnant)-- he never visited her when he said he would, got contempt of court convictions for failure to pay child support, and has virtually no relationship with her now and she's hurt and mad.

 

Time to let my lawyer take over. I tried to settle. All the facts about his not letting me come in the room when he is with baby, sending unauthorized pictures of me to his friends et c, will be disclosed. They have to be. As will the earnings he made last year and spent all on sailboats and hobbies while I took time off from my career job and paid his gas for him to go work 2 hours away. As will his contempt of court and blowing off dad duties with previous child.

 

God, I am just barely functioning after someone asking for sole custody of my baby as if I were some kind of absentee coke addict. I am a lawyer and former nanny and very involved mommy and practically a mother to my husband at this point as well. Hurts.

 

But one thing is positive: I am sure glad I am leaving this monster.

 

don't give him any more money, don't pay for anything for him. he's just using the baby to get a free ride off you, for the next 18 years.

 

i asked for "full physical custody" and i got it. not sure if that's the same as "sole custody" or not. i only did it to keep my ex from taking our child and dropping her off at his "soulmates" house while he worked or went to meetings.

 

my ex is a great father and a better father then he was a husband but i wanted to control where our child stayed during holiday visits to his family and limit her exposure to his now "girlfriend".

 

he didn't keep to his "visitation", he couldn't be bothered. he did however have a key to my house and he still does. i made him welcome to visit here and always either went to my room or left the house so they could have time together. i just wasn't lettin him drive off with our child so he could take her over to meet her new "step mother".

 

everything will work out. and if he steps up you could work it so you get some freedom to move on and meet someone else. i did. you just have to be sly and work it so the baby stays over at his dad's on the weekends.

 

good luck. i mean it.

[Yasuandio]

Oh god, I just realized something.

 

In our old house, where H is now, the. 's this vent upstairs on the floor. If you remove the vent-- which any child could do, including my child-- a huge tube is exposed, going down, down, 20 feet down, with moving fan blades at the bottom. A child could easily fit down the tube.

 

Our son is totally obsessed with vents. Removes vent covers all the time and peers down them, tries to throw crayons down them et c.

 

We had a chair over the huge-tube-vent before, for child proofing, but I started to worry that our son could shove the chair aside, because it's pretty light. My h is very, very particular about all the furniture looking just right. He wouldn't consent to a heavier piece covering the vent.

 

When I picked up our son today, I saw that H had done some really great redecorating, it looked nice. Then I noticed that the chair was downstairs. So what's covering the vent now??

 

I'm angry. I feel that my husband cares more about his furniture looking just so than he does about our child's safety. I didn't think to say anything because it took me until the drive home to realize what bugged me about the furniture downstairs-- and he is not really letting me go upstairs when I come pick up our son.

 

Well tomorrow night, I'm heading up those stairs and I'll have a sheet metal drill and some washers, and I'll be damned if he's going to stop me. I think I can drill the vent to a bit of sheet metal that's around the perimeter of the tube. Now I have to spend my day, rather than working, running around town finding the necessary tools and learning how to do the project, just because my h is irresponsible.

 

HOLD YOUR HORSES, GIRL.

 

You cannot just march into someones home, esppecially a rental home, and start drill holes in the floor or wall. Nor seal off vents with metal plats and machine screws. You are not an HVAC person. You do not know what you are doing.

 

1. You have no right in the property without his permission.

2.. You have no right to alter the property.

3. He would have every right to call the Police for your invasion of privacy.

 

Hear this loud and clear. The police are going to handcuff an angry ex standing uninvited in STBXH tidy home with a drill and a metal plate and screws. They don't care about your "but, but, but, but, but" reasoning of why you are doing what you are doing.

 

4. Do not get arrested and ruin your career by panicking.

 

5. Get on the horn with this so-called attorney about this emergency issue, and make him put party and Landlord in notice that a dangerous vent is not properlyy covered in the dwelling.

 

6. Forget about how nice the Landlord is, and your relationship with them. You cannot rely on your husband to fix the vent, third parties must be involved in every thing that occurs between the 2 of you from here on out.

 

THIS IS WAR, SOLDIER. Try not to walk into the line of fire and get killed. Stay cool and calm. DISMISSED. Yas

[SoleMate]

I agree with Yas. The potential hazard is horrifying and must be rectified, but you cannot do this via self-help. You'll start to look like the problem.

[2sunny]

You will discover that you can't control him.

 

There are certain things that you can control which is mostly you.

 

Point out the vent to him and leave it to him to fix it.

 

It is HIS to do (or not). Document it in your diary.

 

 

Do you feel you've had control issues growing up?

[jakrbbt]

I should clarify that I'm on the lease and I'm paying rent, plus half my belongings are still there. I've been very respectful about not coming in except when picking up son and even then, only when invited inside. And I've stayed in living room like a guest would. I know that he can't exclude me from the house, and i know that I'd be liable as well as he (and my renter's insurance would have a claim) if something happened over there to injure our child.

 

Still, I suppose I could just ask him to take care of it. It's just that I'd been asking him to do just that, since last december.

ok ive got my toddler, gotta go, will address more later

[Yasuandio]

I should clarify that I'm on the lease and I'm paying rent, plus half my belongings are still there. I've been very respectful about not coming in except when picking up son and even then, only when invited inside. And I've stayed in living room like a guest would. I know that he can't exclude me from the house, and i know that I'd be liable as well as he (and my renter's insurance would have a claim) if something happened over there to injure our child.

 

Still, I suppose I could just ask him to take care of it. It's just that I'd been asking him to do just that, since last december.

ok ive got my toddler, gotta go, will address more later

 

None of the lease details matter anymore now. You are in a divorce process. That is HIS private premises. Just like your place is your private premises. THIS IS COMMON SENSE.

 

We know technically, you can enter the property cause the Judge has not yet ruled on who lives where. Is it gonna take a THE Temporary Order from the Judge to make this point technically valid for you? How would that look for a smart attorney to yank the system until the temporary Order is in place? Come on. You know it will be determined that the dwelling he is in will become his home in the Order.

 

Don't ask your husband jack; "tell" your attorney, so he can handle the Ventalation matter properly. Stop talking to him. You are gonna get yourself in hot water. You are a spouse in a divorce, just like everyone else. Everything you "say, write, and do" can be used against you, and you better believe it will. Stay out of it. Stop writing documents, and stop panicking and fussing at him.

 

I mean it is good to vent here, just don't do anything in real life - like "self-help," as Sole-mate so precisely pointed out. Yas

Edited October 17, 2014 by Yasuandio

[jakrbbt]

Ok-- thanks for the perspective on this vent issue, you guys. I cannot stand to leave my child's safety in the hands of someone who has failed to keep him safe, without my help anyway, in the past. But at the very least, I have to give him a chance to fail. (And if he succeeds, great.) Failing won't likely mean letting the child become gravely physically injured, particularly if I at least mention the safety hazards I've seen around the house, right? Just like I'd want H to mention any hazards he spots in my house.

 

He came to get our child just now, we were basically friendly, he asked for a cup of coffee which I gave him, and I asked him politely whether there was anything covering the vent. He was annoyed that I asked. He gave me the kind of shut-it-down "Yes there is" like you'd say to a naughty child who was asking to do something she was not allowed. He wouldn't tell me what was covering the vent. He was defensive (as always) and annoyed that I'd even have the concern. It's always been that way. But if he didn't make unwise choices about child's safety (like refusing to bring him to ER when doctor said to, or giving him a real hammer to play with, et c) then I'd better understand his defensiveness.

 

I don't really think I had control issues growing up, and I've talked about my relationship issues in individual counseling last year. For whatever reason, I got into this relationship with this very controlling man and I had a child with him. I did have a dad who-- although kind, brilliant, of sound judgment, and an excellent father-- was certainly an over-worrier regarding us getting injured or (later) getting into car crashes. Many of his fears for us went beyond reasonable, and he recognized that and tried not to let it affect us negatively, but I did worry about his worrying. My (also excellent) mother was not over-worried about that stuff, she just took regular precautions and balanced that with giving us freedoms. Maybe I learned from my dad to overly fear catastrophe. I also had a horrible, life-changing, 4-year-long situation with an extreme bully boss, and then a carjacking on the last day of that job, right before deciding to have my h (then-bf) move in with me. I got EMDR treatment for the carjacking. I think I still could benefit from treatment from the bully boss (and then bully husband) situation.

 

2Sunny, you are very helpful when you separate for me what things are mine to control and what things are his. I have the concept down, but don't yet practice it with great application. The safety hazards at his house are his, except I can of course alert him when I notice something. Whether I ultimately ask for sole custody, majority time or whatnot, because he is not addressing safety concerns-- that is my decision, and not his. Even if he does not like what I ask for. And of course the ultimate decision is for the court unless we mediate.

Edited October 17, 2014 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

I guess it still really galls me that all this time, he was using me. He never wanted to reconcile. He didn't love me or care about my wellbeing and future. He was just sitting in divorce papers, since April, as long as he could, trying to collect as much money from me as possible. Going to his sister and her girlfriend behind my back. Living off me since before I was pregnant.

 

And that makes me fear him. Such a callous person can do a lot. And he has some irrational people backing him up too. I'm very nervous about him, particularly now-- we have no parenting-plan agreement starting tomorrow morning. I've proposed one, but no word back. What's he going to do-- come take our child and refuse to give him back??

[beach]

You know - little things mean big things.

 

He asked for coffee and you gave it to him!

 

Stop giving him anything!!!!!

 

It's his way of knowing you will give him stuff!

 

Next time a very purposeful response would be "you are capable of providing yourself with coffee".

Edited October 17, 2014 by beach

[Yasuandio]

I guess it still really galls me that all this time, he was using me. He never wanted to reconcile. He didn't love me or care about my wellbeing and future. He was just sitting in divorce papers, since April, as long as he could, trying to collect as much money from me as possible. Going to his sister and her girlfriend behind my back. Living off me since before I was pregnant.

 

And that makes me fear him. Such a callous person can do a lot. And he has some irrational people backing him up too. I'm very nervous about him, particularly now-- we have no parenting-plan agreement starting tomorrow morning. I've proposed one, but no word back. What's he going to do-- come take our child and refuse to give him back??

 

Don't fear him, honey. For him and his troops are weak. Those that must lie in wait for support are not unlike one that hopes and waits to receive the estate. Cow-milkers. That is all they will be, squeezing the utters of good people like you to stay on the gravy train. Nothing to fear, something to be not near.

 

Be the gentle woman you are inside, release your fears and anger, and forgive these I'm imbicles for their tresspasses.

 

Forgive yourself in your time of weakness, and blindness for you did not see. You cannot re-write that history, it is yours forever, it makes you who you are today.

 

Trust that everything will be well, rather than worry so much about all the bad things that could happen. Thus is a much better use of your mind. Why rent space to events that have not occured? You could end up wrecking your car while you are daydreaming about these bizarre and horrid disasters.

 

People use people. Try, so east to say, but try, to find the good in this unfortunate event. Where is the good that comes from this? These need to be your realizations. [You really already had the answers to these matters you are now getting angry about, you just didn't want to believe them, that is natural. Feel it, then let go it.]

 

Everything is going to be ok darling. Think beautiful thoughts. Decorate your new home. Yas

[jakrbbt]

Hard for me to refuse even a cup of coffee, how awkward. But I guess it has to be viewed in context. I ought to make it clear that, although I don't intend to stand in his way of taking care of himself, and although I care about him, I need to be responsible providing for my son and myself. What we've had is not healthy.

 

If I view him as an addict, a lot makes sense. He is not currently drinking (longtime recovering alcoholic) nor is he actively attending AA right now like he was in the past.

 

But our little family was totally ruled over by his huge issues with sleep and his refusal to work or provide-- and the rigidity, defensiveness, weirdness around those issues, and me tiptoeing around while bending over backwards to accommodate it. I didn't even feel comfortable bringing those things up in counseling and when I did, I totally beat around the bush and we didn't deal with it.

 

He asked that i drive across town this past week to drop baby off on my "way" to work. I have a one-hour commute. H's house is 20 minutes in the opposite direction. It adds 40 minutes to my commute and I have to wake baby up early for it too.

 

I did it once, and was so late for work it was stupid, plus baby was very tired. I told H that my work schedule trumps his sleep schedule. Oh man, he did NOT like that. He will retaliate, maybe already has and I'm just waiting to find out how.

[jakrbbt]

Don't fear him, honey. For him and his troops are weak. Those that must lie in wait for support are not unlike one that hopes and waits to receive the estate. Cow-milkers. That is all they will be, squeezing the utters of good people like you to stay on the gravy train. Nothing to fear, something to be not near.

 

Be the gentle woman you are inside, release your fears and anger, and forgive these I'm imbicles for their tresspasses.

 

Forgive yourself in your time of weakness, and blindness for you did not see. You cannot re-write that history, it is yours forever, it makes you who you are today.

 

Trust that everything will be well, rather than worry so much about all the bad things that could happen. Thus is a much better use of your mind. Why rent space to events that have not occured? You could end up wrecking your car while you are daydreaming about these bizarre and horrid disasters.

 

People use people. Try, so east to say, but try, to find the good in this unfortunate event. Where is the good that comes from this? These need to be your realizations. [You really already had the answers to these matters you are now getting angry about, you just didn't want to believe them, that is natural. Feel it, then let go it.]

 

Everything is going to be ok darling. Think beautiful thoughts. Decorate your new home. Yas

 

Oh wow. This soothes the soul!!! Hardest part right now is that I can't re-write the past. "It makes you who you are today." OK, that I can work with.

 

One good thing about being in emotional pain is that art, literature, music, natural beauty, all have more poignancy and meaning during the pain. Then when the pain is over, those things I experienced-- the poems I read et c-- maintain their meaning. Maybe I will sign up for one poetry or art history course at the local community college. Make friends too-- as much as I hate to admit it, I am lonely. Thanks, Prof! I like your syllabus.

[beach]

He asks for things = the standard answer should be no.

 

Practice now....

 

No

 

No

 

No

 

No

 

No

 

 

If that's uncomfortable for YOU ( to which you need to seek help in understanding why you think it's rude and impossible to say no) then practice this one I've used on my adult kids.

 

That's for you to DO; not me - as you are an adult.

 

Or another way:

 

That doesn't work for me.

 

After each response it's very important to be quiet after stating your position - it sends the clear message when you don't muddy the message with further explanations. You owe him NO explanation! That doesn't work for me is all he needs to know!

 

 

Now - when you require him to pick up the baby by 7am and you KNOW he will be purposely late - then have a plan. Be clear! Allow him to understand when he isn't there by the agreed upon time and it may make you late for work that you intend to leave the house and will seek alternative care for the child on those days. Then do it!

 

And document it too!

 

It's possible he moved from alcohol to another choice (like pills) but nothing about the way he participates screams anything close to recovery - it screams using behavior!

 

Ask the court to random test him in order to have visitation.

[Yasuandio]

You don't have to say the word "no." That word is too confrontational, that' why you're having trouble with it. Confrontation with this dude, could, in reality, lead to maliciousness, no matter how silly. Let's try some other way ' s to say "no," more gently:

 

1. I'll take that under consideration.

 

2. Let me get back to ya on that.

 

3. I'll call ya back, gotta run.

 

4. I sneezed when I poured my cup, let me first fish out that bugger.

 

5. I have a flat tire, can you come over and fix it?

 

6. Battery dead.

 

7. I'm carpooling this week, I wish I could help you out.

 

8 I promise at some point, I'll work on that. (Some point can be ten years from now).

 

9. Oh, you know, I've been thinking about the same subject. Isn't that interesting? Do you believe in telepathic communication? I think it is grand that we are always on the same wavelength, thither will be a big plus in co-parenting. BTW, I just read an article on.............................

 

10. Huh? I don't understand. Can you explain that to me?

 

Those are just a few aggravating comments off the top of my head that I might state to cause confusion, rather than to answer any direct question with a yes or a no. Some responses are direct white lies, of course (but who the effects cares). Other statements resonate as if you actually listened to the question, request or demand (when, in reality, you just gave them the shaft-a-roo). Then again, some responses, simply buy you time, to think about things.

 

I think posing any response or action that would be specifically crafted to gross out and disturb his OCD (like the bugger suggestion), would be particularly effective. If he doesn't like dirty things, make sure to have something disgustingly dirty to pull out, like raw liver or chicken on your hands when you approach. Any thing you can think of that is repulsive to him.

 

Maybe you have a tube of glitter in your purse, tape, bunch of craft stuff with tube half on. Let's say it gets pulled our accidently while you are retrieving a diaper or something. You can get a broom and start trying to clean it up before he sees it (while he is retriving the baby). But what your sweeping "clean-up" will really be accomplishing is spreading airborn glitter all throughout the room. Haha. Do you know how hard it is to get up micro - glitter from the floor? Hon, it's virticially impossible, I mean, you can vacuum it up, no problem. But 10 years from now, there will still be a granule of glitter there.. Choose copper.

 

You know why I thought of that? Today, I had a conference with this dude that represents the roofing company, and dang if he didn't somehow get a piece of micro glitter right under his nose. He kept scratching it, but that just immediately it deeper. The rays made it sparkle in the living room. He picked it up in a room that is getting a new ceiling, where I unpacked a box 7 years ago, that had a bit of glitter that had leaked from the container.

 

Tell me his exact issues, and I will come up with some nasties for you that will blend into the "norm" whilst driving him mad. I hope I gave you a good laugh. Yas

[beach]

Start making perfectly outrageous demands (requests) of him.

 

Put him on the defensive so he doesn't have time to think of ways to ask you for needed things.

 

Seriously. Request all sorts of unreasonable things.

 

So when you ask for something reasonable it seems easy for him.

 

Each and every day make a request to him. See how he responds.

 

You may get a few ideas on how a sneaky, manipulative jerk responds to demands and then you can use those responses on him.

[Yasuandio]

Start making perfectly outrageous demands (requests) of him.

 

Put him on the defensive so he doesn't have time to think of ways to ask you for needed things.

 

Seriously. Request all sorts of unreasonable things.

 

So when you ask for something reasonable it seems easy for him.

 

Each and every day make a request to him. See how he responds.

 

You may get a few ideas on how a sneaky, manipulative jerk responds to demands and then you can use those responses on him.

 

I LOVE THIS SUGGESTION, BEACH!

 

An attorney needs to drive a decent car. I seriously am contemplating a Masarati. But, as we all know I have some issues with Bi-Polar 2, although, I think, what I have my eye on, is a wise investment, especially with my history of taking extremely good care of my vehicle (and maintaining very low milage). But, what would be wrong with circling a few ads in an Auto-Trader Magazine, and just accidently leave it in the baby car seat? Bahahahahahahahahahaha. I say turn the gas down all the way, before you turn it up. Just as the Bible says: "Do'ith unto others as they do'ith upon you." Right? Yas

Edited October 18, 2014 by Yasuandio

[beach]

Give him your list for the market and tell him to go do your shopping ( and don't give him money).

 

Get your dry cleaning.

 

Take him your laundry when he picks up the baby.

 

Tell him to cook your dinner.

 

Tell him to pay your rent - as most husbands do that.

 

Start telling him to do everything! We know he will teach you what "no" sounds like as we don't expect him to do things to make your life easier.

 

That way when you ask for something easy and simple he won't think it's a big deal.

 

Notice I said "tell him" instead of "ask him"? Women in charge don't "ask" they state their demand like it's a fact not to argue with.

 

If you're going to go head to head with him you need to learn how to portray a woman of strength. Start practicing everywhere you go. Stop being "so nice" that it causes you harm.

[jakrbbt]

My h bullied me into an equal-access parenting plan, against the therapist's advice. He did it by remaining silent and refusing to agree to any plan at all, until I backed down more and more, then offered a 50/50 plan which he said he wouldn't agree to-- then he offered a "different" (almost identical) 50/50 plan but it was more vague so that we'll have to "discuss" pickup and drop-off times daily. Which I think he's doing to manipulate me and to keep the sick "communication" flowing. I've emailed him that we need to hammer out the details, stop working out "daily" plans, and maybe do some third-party child exchanges.

 

However, 50/50 is not a bad thing for a child of separated parents. It's just that the therapist was clear that baby should be phased into it in stages, and also, H would not address some valid safety concerns first.

 

Two disturbing things. First, H just had his sister prepare a parenting plan proposal-- and he sent it to me without even reviewing it himself. He had to ask me what it said about who'd have our son the next day. Twice! I don't want to co-parent with his creepy sister. And it seems he's running to her because he perceives that she has his best interests in mind. But what about the child's best interests and stability? He doesn't even know what he wants for his own child? That's what a temporary parenting plan is for. Not for strategic positioning for the ultimate custody battle.

 

Second, he is lying about who had baby when, and for how long. I know that this shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I have screen shots, an old baby diary/log, letters and journal entries emailed to myself, and plenty of witnesses who either stopped by the house lots of times when H was sleeping in till noon, or whom I called for help or conversation when H took off on a work day for me or slept till noon and/or left all evening every evening. He's tryibng to say that I worked an hour away every day till 6, which is stupid, because my colleagues and especially the lawyer I share an office with, know that I telecommuted two to three day per week, and did not put in the ten-hour days that he tries to say I did.

 

I'm starting to think even he doesn't believe his dishonest, patently provably untrue position will fly in court. But instead, he thinks it can yank my chain. He's just trying to punish me. For deigning to leave him and not put up with abuse.

 

Well, I think his half-time parenting plan will fail. He's never been a half-time parent. Even if he spends fifty percent of time with baby, all the real parenting like doctor appointments, shopping et c, will be shoved into my fifty percent of days. H sent me an angry email saying that I "walked out on the family" that I was supposed to be "providing" for and left only a few groceries. (Really? I paid two months' rent, six months' car insurance, bought him a car, filled it with gas, AND paid $200 in groceries, $250 in baby toiletries/diapers, a $120 grocery store gift certificate, and more than a thousand dollars in baby furniture, toys, and baby clothes, plus gave H a bunch of stuff I'd owned before the marriage.) I translate that as: "I won't work, and when I become homeless, it's your fault. You have an obligation to provide for me and to not-leave, no matter how I treat you, even though you never agreed to a one-income family." That means he won't work. I have got to steel myself against the desire to help him out rather than watch the slow train wreck of his helplessness.

 

He is TEXTBOOK passive-aggressive. I don't know how to divorce a PA, but I guess I'm doing it, ready or not.

 

I hope my son is doing OK. I hate being without him; nowhere near ready to go to sleep.

Edited October 20, 2014 by jakrbbt

[BetrayedH]

Bear in mind that few divorce cases end up going before a judge. Most end up with a marital settlement agreement that is handled during during mediation. In my case, that meant months of waiting for the attorneys to get their proverbial crap together before they could schedule the damn thing. Once the day finally came, my exwife and I sat in different rooms with our respective attorneys and paid for a third party mediator to go back and forth with our arguments about language and financial numbers. It took 10 hours for us to haggle everything out but once that was done, it was sent off to a judge for approval and we were divorced within two weeks.

 

I suggest you try to expedite getting to that day.

 

Personally, I don't see any harm in doing 50/50 in the meantime. As another poster suggested, your H will either step up and succeed at it (many of us men will rise to the challenge, even if it is just to prove our STBX wrong) or he will fail. If he succeeds, your child will have 50/50 time with each parent, which is a win. If he fails, you will get greater custody and provide a good life for your child (which is also a win).

 

As for your temporary parenting plan, I'd suggest seeing if it works on this first round. If the drop off is well scheduled and amiable, great. If it isn't, then insist on renegotiating and insist upon a 50/50 plan that has more strict language about pickup and drop off because you HAVE A JOB that you need to keep.

 

All of these actions are reasonable. If for some reason you cannot reach an agreement through mediation, you absolutely do not want your H to have ammunition that indicates you have been unreasonable. You want to appear completely reasonable and for your H to appear as an unemployed, dim-witted, and piss-poor excuse for a H and father.

Edited October 20, 2014 by BetrayedH

[Mr. Lucky]

^^^^ Great advice.

 

Judges and mediators see drama, ranting and raving on a daily basis. Act with deliberation and reasonableness and build a history of same. I'm guessing your H will fail in that regard, you want to appear in contrast to him. Think long-term in your strategy and you'll get most of what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

Poor guy, has to go to sisrter for help on parenting plan. Didn't even read the plan his sis drew up?? Dafuq? Are we surprised? You can document his goof-ups in your journal

till the cows come home to roost, but, in the end, your journal is only your perception *plus the Judge will factor in that you are a sharp attorney, and he is outnof his league). That is where the tape recorder comes in - (if legal in your state, as it is in most states), to tape record all your conversations that you have with him in person.

 

As for mediation, that probably isnt going gn to happen, unless you agree to co-parent with his sister, and pay his way. After all is said and done , in that scenerio, all he has to do is come to you broke, with baby in hand, then he has you by the short "strings." You would feel compelledto bail him out every time, as would any "decent" parental spouse, cause his lack of substantance has a direct efffect on your child.

 

It is not unlike a drunk or drug addict, they have to hit rock bottom, to "get the picture." If someone keeps bailing them out, suppling their habit (for him, funding his laziness), in other words, enabling, the sicko drug attact will continue to soak the giver till their dry, broke, busted. The attact doesn't give a flip about the souce of their drug of choice, (you=support), all they care about is the drug, period. They have to lose everything, be flat on their face, on the street, and even, some don't wake up.

 

Yeah, sister helps now. But if it cost her money, she would back off, and say something to the effect of, "hon, I don't have any money." "Oh, sorry, something came up, i cant take the baby alk this time." Do you think sister want to do full time day care for no charge? Eff no! Haha. This is when you find out who your friends are, dear. And you have NO friends when you have NO job, and you ask you support from everyone. Sooner or later, they will get feed up.

 

Watch and see. I give it couple months, 2 at best, that is if you back off completely. Butt if you dont, then he will not feel the full force of his 50% demand. Stop worrying. The sister will do a better job than him. Baby will be in good hands. Keep PI on where he drops baby, and have a low profile. Just let go and allow nature to take it's course.

 

Yas

[jakrbbt]

OK, this all helps a lot. I gotta cool my heels, stay reasonable even though I think he's making it impossible, and recognize that this will take time and that I have no crystal ball.

 

H had baby last night, today was supposed to be my day with him. But we had no set change-over time. H ignored my texts and messages, and I went to his house at 10:30 but he and baby were clearly either asleep or just hanging out upstairs, house was dark. I came back home. H brought him over to my house at 11:30.

 

When he did so, he asked me for gas money. I said I'd think about it. I don't merely want to appear reasonable, I want to be reasonable. It's only been a couple weeks (well, 3 weeks since I told him I was moving out) and of course H has no job yet. I think i need to start saying "No" for interpersonal reasons, and also so I can afford to live and parent my son. But I don't know whether refusing gas money is unreasonable at this point, as a legal or just a human matter. My inclination is of course to give it to him. I've left a message with my attorney.

 

I don't necessarily even want sole or majority legal custody (legal custody not the same as parenting time/visitation). What I really want, if I could wave a magic wand, is for my ex to become someone who could constructively co-parent and participate in joint decisions-- and then, to have joint custody. Most kids would prefer that their divorced parents do that. But if I can't have that, then I'd like enough decision-making power so that I can at least make sure my son has some stability and I'm not playing out or marriage dynamics in some un-workable "joint custody" situation that H is abusing.

 

Last night I was up until 4 a.m. Fortunately I have a good friend who is a doctor and happened to be working overnight at the hospital, so he chatted with me, as he's gone through a high-conflict divorce himself. He said that I have to take care of myself, exercise, eat, all that boring stuff-- I cannot just sit around wringing my hands until the final decree. Well, seeing posts from people who went through this parenting-plan limbo (in between petition and decree)-- that helps.

 

My lawyer is speedy and blunt. He has plenty of credibility with the judges here. If anyone can speed up the process between now and mediation, he can. If H continues to be exactly like all the descriptions of passive-aggressive spouses, then he will try his best to slow the divorce process to a halt and keep it in limbo. My lawyer won't let me demand anything unreasonable, either.

 

Thanks for the perspectives on win/win-- I agree. And H is more likely to participate constructively, and "step up", if I get out of his way and we get a cease-fire on resentments. If he takes care of himself and his own finances, and we stop interacting so much.

[beach]

Be clear with him. If he needs gas money he is capable of working.

 

Don't give him one penny.

 

He will work when he gets uncomfortable enough.

 

 

It's not your job to give him money - in fact the more you give him anything - the more he won't work.

 

Simply state - you are an adult - earn your own money!

[Yasuandio]

Be clear with him. If he needs gas money he is capable of working.

 

Don't give him one penny.

 

He will work when he gets uncomfortable enough.

 

 

It's not your job to give him money - in fact the more you give him anything - the more he won't work.

 

Simply state - you are an adult - earn your own money!

 

That message ain't getting across. Jkrbbit was outside spying on him at 10pm last night. This is going South real fast. Even without experience with kids, I can understand. It is what it is. So sad. So sorry Jkrbbit. Oh, dear. It hurts to hear about. Y

[jakrbbt]

That message ain't getting across. Jkrbbit was outside spying on him at 10pm last night. This is going South real fast. Even without experience with kids, I can understand. It is what it is. So sad. So sorry Jkrbbit. Oh, dear. It hurts to hear about. Y

 

No no, it was 10 in the morning. It was my morning to pick up our son, but H never answered the phone and so I just told him I was coming over, morning was getting away. When I came over, no one came to the door. Rather than go in and get baby from some bedroom, I just left, and H called later and brought baby to me at 11:30 in the morning-- on my visitation day. I wasn't there last night.