No sexual contact with girlfriend, getting impatient

[irc333]

Chances are there's some kind of sexual incompatibility going on or she's just not that into him.

[Maleficent]

 

He needs to find out her reasons, and not while blue balled, that she has this aversion to progressing to second base. There may be a very valid reason, whether its religion, former sexual abuse, or just that she thinks it will hurt.

 

The reason is she is not ready. He can either suck it up and wait or break up with her and find someone who is.

 

As far as 'leaving him blue balled', well, that's part of dating a virgin. She will easy into it eventually. Again, the solution is what I stated above.

 

There is no other way this ends well of they are staying the way they are.

[Million.to.1]

I think some posters are giving OP a bit of a hard time. She is 23, and any sexual activity that ends in tears to someone of that age sounds to me like some serious guilt around sex. Not just sex, but any activity beyond kissing and petting?

 

I agree though that the pressure from OP is making it worse.

I appreciate that she is not ready, that's totally fine.

 

OP, you said in an earlier post that you went out, had the perfect night and then later in bed in all turned bad.

 

Can I ask why you are ending up in bed? If you know she is not ready for sex and this keeps happening, then why are you putting yourself in the exact situation which could only cause more of the same? I don't get it. Are you sleeping over?

 

Have you both talked about your boundaries? She obviously wants to make you happy but hates herself afterward for ...breaking her own code? ...or something... is she religious?

 

You need to have a conversation OUTSIDE of the bedroom about what you both want.

[Diezel]

This guy is going to end up on Deadbedrooms if he continues to pursue this relationship. He needs to end it and move on.

 

It's NOT going to get better, EVER.

[Toodaloo]

d0nnivain, you're a joke. I never said anything about forcing her to do anything.

 

D0nnivain is far from a joke.

 

I think your questions should be about why your girlfriend is crying not why you are not getting sex...

 

It does sound as though she is instigating because she feels under pressure. That is not good.

 

Its her body not yours. She is entitled to share her body with who she wants and in the way she wants.

 

Respect her wishes or set her free so she can find someone who does.

 

I understand that you want to show her you love her and have these desires but to keep on like this is just ridiculous. Stay away from the bedroom.

[baker3g]

It could be that she was abused or raised to feel guilty about sexual expression.

 

But it also could be the way the OP approaches sex. Maybe he is crude, degrading, or somehow makes her feel inferior. (No need to call me names, OP - I am just saying it is POSSIBLE.)

 

I don't know because I am not there, and his GF isn't here to tell her side of the story.

 

OP - you need to talk to your GF more about it. Find out WHY she wants to wait. What needs to change in order for her to be ready (more secure in the relationship? Marriage?) and why she cries giving HJs - why she feels badly afterward.

 

You need to understand where she is coming from, so that you can work with her where she is.

 

I do agree with those who are saying you likely have a long road ahead of you if your goal is to get her to be sexually expressive and open. If she is crying at HJs, she has a lot of work to do.

 

Lemme address some things.

 

1. The name calling only came due to the attacks on my character. I apologize as I see that they were legitimate attempts to help, but please don't make me out to be a monster without even knowing me or fully understanding the situation.

 

2. I HAVE NOT FORCED ANYTHING! On many occasions, she starts the physical contact when I just walk in the room. I never have nor ever will MAKE her do ANYTHING! Those accusations are nonsensical.

 

3. She has not cried EVERY time she has given me a hand job. If I said every single time, I was mistaken. Sometimes it's fine, other times, not so much. Either way, it's a rare occurrence. Now, she does cry every single time that we talk about sex or any sexual escalation. She just says that she isn't ready, and cries because she feels bad for rejecting me and not "knowing why she can't." This makes me feel awful, and I hate bringing it up because of this. But I am a very direct person, and I like to talk things out. So it can be stifling.

 

4. She didn't even tell me that she was a virgin until our 4th date. She is not a virgin because of religion. She originally told me that she isn't necessarily holding it for marriage, but just for the right person/time. She's told me that she wants me to be her first. But whenever the when comes into question, "I don't know." It's my belief that pain is the culprit (she doesn't like when I finger her, and says it hurts, so I stop). She also comes from extremely strict parents who have no idea of my existence (they're Indian).

 

5. We always sleep together. Idk if we moved too fast, but i see her almost every day.

[baker3g]

D0nnivain is far from a joke.

 

I think your questions should be about why your girlfriend is crying not why you are not getting sex...

 

It does sound as though she is instigating because she feels under pressure. That is not good.

 

Its her body not yours. She is entitled to share her body with who she wants and in the way she wants.

 

Respect her wishes or set her free so she can find someone who does.

 

I understand that you want to show her you love her and have these desires but to keep on like this is just ridiculous. Stay away from the bedroom.

 

I agree, I want to find out why. But whenever we broach the topic, tears are shed. I don't know what to do about it.

[piggyoink]

D0nnivain is far from a joke.

 

I think your questions should be about why your girlfriend is crying not why you are not getting sex...

 

It does sound as though she is instigating because she feels under pressure. That is not good.

 

Its her body not yours. She is entitled to share her body with who she wants and in the way she wants.

 

Respect her wishes or set her free so she can find someone who does.

 

I understand that you want to show her you love her and have these desires but to keep on like this is just ridiculous. Stay away from the bedroom.

 

I hereby and solemnly declare, with a touch of formality, +1

[preraph]

You know why. Because she isn't ready. She isn't anywhere near ready. And when and if she ever is, it may or may not be you. She may be planning on only sleeping with her husband. I thought that was generally the reasoning behind holding onto your virginity. If it's not that and she's just holding onto it, then you have to consider the fact that either you're not the right guy for her or she may have some deeper issues about sex.

[Maleficent]

Lemme address some things.

 

1. The name calling only came due to the attacks on my character. I apologize as I see that they were legitimate attempts to help, but please don't make me out to be a monster without even knowing me or fully understanding the situation.

 

2. I HAVE NOT FORCED ANYTHING! On many occasions, she starts the physical contact when I just walk in the room. I never have nor ever will MAKE her do ANYTHING! Those accusations are nonsensical.

 

3. She has not cried EVERY time she has given me a hand job. If I said every single time, I was mistaken. Sometimes it's fine, other times, not so much. Either way, it's a rare occurrence. Now, she does cry every single time that we talk about sex or any sexual escalation. She just says that she isn't ready, and cries because she feels bad for rejecting me and not "knowing why she can't." This makes me feel awful, and I hate bringing it up because of this. But I am a very direct person, and I like to talk things out. So it can be stifling.

 

4. She didn't even tell me that she was a virgin until our 4th date. She is not a virgin because of religion. She originally told me that she isn't necessarily holding it for marriage, but just for the right person/time. She's told me that she wants me to be her first. But whenever the when comes into question, "I don't know." It's my belief that pain is the culprit (she doesn't like when I finger her, and says it hurts, so I stop). She also comes from extremely strict parents who have no idea of my existence (they're Indian).

 

5. We always sleep together. Idk if we moved too fast, but i see her almost every day.

 

She isn't ready to have your penis inside her vagina.

Simple as that.

She could also be uncomfortable with touching your penis (which would be normal for a young virgin).

Whatever her reasons are for this, they are hers and has every right to these reasons.

 

You might think you aren't pressuring her and I'm sure that verbally you haven't.

But you mentioned that 'whenever the when comes into question' and that 'every single time you talk about sex' she cries, well, this is where she feels the pressure.

I'm sure it's not your intention, but the pressure is there. You have talked about it, she told you she wasn't ready so there is no need to bring it up again. When she is ready, you'll know.

 

So I'm not sure why you are still even replying to this thread anymore because everyone pretty much told you the same thing. There are two ways this can work out. You either a) stop bring it up and wait like an understanding boyfriend or b) break up with her.

 

By staying in this situation, you aren't doing her, nor yourself any favors.

[baker3g]

She isn't ready to have your penis inside her vagina.

Simple as that.

She could also be uncomfortable with touching your penis (which would be normal for a young virgin).

Whatever her reasons are for this, they are hers and has every right to these reasons.

 

You might think you aren't pressuring her and I'm sure that verbally you haven't.

But you mentioned that 'whenever the when comes into question' and that 'every single time you talk about sex' she cries, well, this is where she feels the pressure.

I'm sure it's not your intention, but the pressure is there. You have talked about it, she told you she wasn't ready so there is no need to bring it up again. When she is ready, you'll know.

 

So I'm not sure why you are still even replying to this thread anymore because everyone pretty much told you the same thing. There are two ways this can work out. You either a) stop bring it up and wait like an understanding boyfriend or b) break up with her.

 

By staying in this situation, you aren't doing her, nor yourself any favors.

 

I only replied to clear any discrepancies that other posters had in their replys (religion? abstinence? ect.). I'm done now. I think I got at least some advice that gave me info on what I should do from MY perspective. I'm going to stick it out for a while, because sex or no sex, I don't want to be without her. Maybe we're incompatible, so be it. If it's mean't to be, it will; if not, it won't.

[stillafool]

I don't understand why she starts to cry instead of saying I'm still not ready. How old is she again?

[ktya]

It's my belief that pain is the culprit (she doesn't like when I finger her, and says it hurts, so I stop). She also comes from extremely strict parents who have no idea of my existence (they're Indian).

 

Bango. Ironically the girl that I dated off and on for months, who was holding out for marriage that I mentioned either in this thread or in another one, was also Indian. Her parents didnt know of my existence and when they found out there was hell to pay because I was white (the grandpa was talking about killing me), the dad wasnt at all impressed although the mom was less conservative and thought I was a sweetheart.

 

The girl would be similar to yours. No crying, mind you, but super steamy up to first base and grinding with clothes on but once something was getting to the point of actually removing any clothes and getting into a state of nakedness she would put on the brakes. Ironically, as long as she had her clothes on she let me take it pretty far- I practically banged her through her panties once (wearing a skirt) and I could touch and kiss her glorious boobs provided the bra and shirt stayed on. They were some pretty steamy sessions, because of the Indian aversion to hair products, I was still finding bobby pins in random places after moving twice and to another city.

 

She was all adamant about the no sex before marriage thing, and her parents were making her make the choice as to whether she wanted to do an arranged marriage or find her own partner (quite odd, she listed one of the benefits of the arranged marriage as that she wouldnt have to bother looking if her parents just picked someone out for her.. weird perspective). She broke it off with me because I was white which sucked.

 

She ended up banging some guy a few weeks later, and he was white. I dont know what the aftermath was for him but he was just a ONS.

 

Anyway I'm not being racist or bigoted here but I would tread carefully being a non Indian with an Indian girl for a partner. The older generations can be nuts (ie. my grandpa situation) if they are really conservative and here on occasion they actually kill their own daughter (we have a huge Indian population in Surrey BC), and you may find that she just can never have a normal relationship with you because of the color of your skin.

 

It was too bad in my case. I was head over heels for the girl, she was beautiful and when we first met we both had the same long term goal in life word for word, "Get into business and take over the world". Cute.