No sexual contact with girlfriend, getting impatient

[evanescentworld]

When the sex is fine in a relationship, it's 5% of the thought-process.

When the sex ISN'T fine in a relationship, it's 95% of the thought process.

 

This matter preoccupies your mind to an unhealthy degree.

 

To clarify: I am not saying that either you or she have an unhealthy attitude.

I am saying that the issue is a bigger one than either of you seem to be able to process or cope with.

 

Others have said it: I will add my voice.

You are sexually incompatible, and this is a well-known and very common 'deal-breaker'.

 

Because permit me to inform you now: It. Will. Never. Get. Better.

 

Oh sure, you guys may eventually - at some hitherto mysterious and unknown point in the future - actually reach a point where intercourse happens, but in all likelihood this whole experience will have marred the joy, anticipation and close intimacy of that moment for her, so that she may even display symptoms of vaginismus, and either find 'performing' a trial and ordeal, or may not be able to perform at all.

 

Her distress is going to affect her psychologically, there is no doubt about that.

She feels greatly distressed on two levels: She cannot bring herself to give you what you so want, and she herself, feels violated and coerced.

It doesn't matter whether you are actually coercing her or not. It doesn't matter that you say she initiates and she is willing.

Tears and anguish after the act, should be enough to tell you that the experience is not pleasurable for her, on any level.

She experiences guilt, remorse and if she's honest, self-loathing.

 

And like it or not, you are a participant in this. No matter how kind, considerate and affectionate you insist your attitude is, she feels pressured, and you are compliant with that.

 

You are incompatible.

No two ways about it.

 

You need to leave this young lady to progress in her development on her own, and find a more willing and compatible partner, who is more in line sexually, with what you prefer.

[Gloria25]

Boy, no sex does make me cranky and I'm a woman....lol

 

I also understand a man's need for sexual intimacy with a woman he is in a RL with...

 

@OP, you've only dated her four months. You don't love her, like others - especially JamesM said, you "lust" her.

 

If you plan to marry her, then respect her wishes to wait. Once you put an engagement ring on her (not just a ring, but a ring and a DATE to get married), then I hope you can put her on a "test drive" then.

 

But seriously, you can tell how good a person's gonna be in bed by certain things - like how they kiss, make out with you, etc. You can also tell about their ability and willingness to learn and try new things. So, if you're worried she's gonna be a dead fish in the bed (where she just lies there), then you can figure that out by making out with her and stuff.

[GemmaUK]

OP, end this. You're not compatible.

Maybe you just do not turn her on..yes she is a virgin but..if she is not into you/sex with you (yet is not against sex before marriage) then maybe you aren't the guy for her.

[maysj18]

Mop, Mays18, D0n, whatislove (aka haters club) the only reason is because while I really do want to be physical with her, I don't want to leave her only because of that. That's all

 

Are you sure you're 23? Haters club? You sound 16.

 

She doesn't want to be with you physically.

 

Can you really accept that? If you can, then you need to drop the subject and not bring it up with her anymore because it's obviously very stressful for her and will only worsen your relationship.

[Keenly]

Just hold out man. Be patient. It will happen eventually, as long as you show her you're an amazing boyfriend. She will give into her own desires in due time. The only thing you can do is fuel the fire.

 

 

Just be very cautious and keep an eye out for sexual incompatibility when you guys do get there.

 

Sometimes virgins decide after a couple times that they don't like sex, and think that because they don't need it, that you don't either.

 

 

Just wait. If after 8 months, she still isn't coming anywhere close to intimate, then she never will.

[Maleficent]

So basically is OP looking for advice on how to 'convince' his girlfriend into making him cum?

 

Cuz that's what I'm getting from this thread.

[Omei]

Are you kidding me? You've been dating for FOUR MONTHS. That's NOTHING. Sexless marriage? Just break up with her, I'm serious. She feels horrible afterwards and if you loved her, you would not allow it get this far. She is doing to make YOU happy, not her. She is essentially hurting herself for YOU. That's 1) not how sex is supposed to work and 2) not how a "loving" relationship is supposed to work.

 

You're viewing this so one sided nor him or her are wrong, what about him? He may love her hes been waiting out for her for as long as he can people have needs in relationships its not just about her. Just because he wants something else doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

 

As for the fight in this thread, didn't get far enough far to read Ops other comments.

 

But its pretty simple you have to wait but who knows how long that is its up to you to decide.

 

Or I really think the better option is moving on

 

I agree with the 8 month thing if by then there still is nothing id question if she even liked you enough 3 or 4 months of getting to know someone prior to sex isn't that long people just see it as long in this day and age apparently mostly from what I gather sex usually happens after the third date and that's kind of scary if you ask me.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Omei

[heartshaped]

Well...this certainly has turned into a witch hunt.

 

Anyways, listen OP, I would break up with her in the nicest way possible while encouraging her to continue living her life in the way she sees fit. Everyone has to make their own choices in life and I don't believe we should make people feel bad or guilty or ashamed for those choices.

 

But this woman isn't the one for you. Cut and dry. As things stand you both are just making the other miserable. Even if you could accept not having sex with her for however long (which I frankly think is unrealistic) I wouldn't count on sex with her ever being enjoyable or frequent. The fact that she cried after any further sexual contact other than kissing is telling. She has some issues there that I wouldn't count on being cleared up.

[maysj18]

Well...this certainly has turned into a witch hunt.

 

Anyways, listen OP, I would break up with her in the nicest way possible while encouraging her to continue living her life in the way she sees fit. Everyone has to make their own choices in life and I don't believe we should make people feel bad or guilty or ashamed for those choices.

 

But this woman isn't the one for you. Cut and dry. As things stand you both are just making the other miserable. Even if you could accept not having sex with her for however long (which I frankly think is unrealistic) I wouldn't count on sex with her ever being enjoyable or frequent. The fact that she cried after any further sexual contact other than kissing is telling. She has some issues there that I wouldn't count on being cleared up.

 

This is so irritating. Being a virgin doesn't mean this girl has no interest in sex or has some weird sexual dysfunction. She likely just wants to wait until the emotional connection exists for her, whenever that may be. It is extremely hard to enjoy sex when you aren't comfortable with someone, so why go through with it before you establish that level of trust? Especially when you're a virgin? Again, has nothing to do with libido. This girl gets upset because making her boyfriend happy involves comprising her morals.

[evanescentworld]

.... The fact that she cried after any further sexual contact other than kissing is telling. She has some issues there that I wouldn't count on being cleared up.

She had no issues whatsoever, to begin with! She clearly advised the OP that she did not feel ready to have sex .

If she has issues now, it is entirely down to the dilemma she finds herself in. And yes, this current situation has the potential to psychologically give her some really quite severe issues and remain in her mind as a permanently negative experience.

What a way to initiate a journey into sexual activity. Through crying, guilt and reluctance. Perfect recipe for inhibiting and debilitating hang-ups!

Edited October 1, 2014 by evanescentworld
posting via phone. it sucks!

[Daloopa]

She had no issues whatsoever, to begin with! She clearly advised the OP that she did not feel ready to have sex .

If she has issues now, it is entirely down to the dilemma she finds herself in. And yes, this current situation has the potential to psychologically give her some really quite severe issues and remain in her mind as a permanently negative experience.

What a way to initiate a journey into sexual activity. Through crying, guilt and reluctance. Perfect recipe for inhibiting and debilitating hang-ups!

 

Yeah, I know how that goes as it happened to me. =.(

 

2 of my ex bfs put a lot of pressure on me on do sexual things with them and it always made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and usually I would end up in tears afterwards (even though I would try my best to hide it from them). I did it because I was trying to keep them happy, but I realise now that I should never have put myself through that.

 

Because even though now I have a loving bf who puts absolutely no pressure on me, and sexual things are slowly becoming more enjoyable for me, I still get flashbacks and feel that pressure at the back of my mind.

 

One of my exs frequently told me that I wasn't good enough for him because I wasn't sexual enough. He also said that he'd told all his friends that I didn't want to have sex yet, and that everybody told him to break up with me. And then ramped up the pressure even further by saying that if I didn't have sex with him he would break up with me and that no guy would ever want a gf like me.

 

Needless to say I felt like an incredibly horrible gf for not wanting to do it, and I STILL feel like a horrible gf even now, when my bf constantly tells me how much he loves me no matter what and that there is absolutely no pressure, expectations or time limits.

 

THAT is how badly pressuring someone to do sexual things with you can mess up their view of sex, especially if they are of a highly anxious disposition, like I am.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Daloopa

[heartshaped]

She had no issues whatsoever, to begin with! She clearly advised the OP that she did not feel ready to have sex .

If she has issues now, it is entirely down to the dilemma she finds herself in. And yes, this current situation has the potential to psychologically give her some really quite severe issues and remain in her mind as a permanently negative experience.

What a way to initiate a journey into sexual activity. Through crying, guilt and reluctance. Perfect recipe for inhibiting and debilitating hang-ups!

 

We can agree to disagree. It's all conjecture without the woman's input, but regardless, it still stands that they are not compatible.

 

I think asking the OP to be okay with this is farfetched because he obviously isn't and I don't believe the woman should have to do anything she doesn't want to or feel ready to do.

[Andy_K]

I don't want to leave her only because of that.

 

You're trying to do the 'good' thing and not leave her for something as superficial as sex. To me this clearly shows you DO care about her and don't want to be selfish.

 

However... No matter how much you want to be a good guy and do the nice thing, the fact remains that sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker. It is enough of a reason to break up with someone. It's not selfish, it's simply recognising a fundamentally irreconcilable problem.

 

Sometimes doing the right thing isn't the same as doing the nice thing. In this case the right thing is to leave her after explaining the above. She might accuse you of being selfish - if this is the case, she simply isn't mature enough to recognise the scale or seriousness of this sort of personality difference. Don't blame yourself.

[Mopparon]

You two simply aren't compatible. Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do, especially when its a sexual thing that makes them so uncomfortable they end up in tears.

 

If you truly love her and yet can't bare waiting any more, then you have to let her go, so she can find someone who is more sexually compatible.

 

Incompatibility is a major relationship killer, and its much better for you both to go your separate ways and find people who are better matches for you. That way you both have a chance to find more compatible and happier relationships.

 

As I and lots of other people have said. You are not wrong for wanting a more sexual relationship OP. Not wrong at all.

 

But she is not wrong either for wanting a less sexual relationship.

 

I know you love her and want to make her happy, I know you do. But you can't deny yourself something you yearn for so much, and she shouldn't be forcing herself to do sexual things she isn't comfortable with.

 

I know you want to make her happy, but you have to see what is happening here for what it really is, she is unhappy doing even rare sexual things with you, so much so she ends up in tears! And you are unhappy and frustrated because you aren't having your sexual needs met.

 

So both of you are suffering and neither of you can be truly happy living like that, it just isn't fair on either of you.

 

I know break ups hurt a lot, but if you continue down this path of suffering both of you are going to end up regretting struggling along like this, when you could have been out finding someone who could fulfil all your needs and happily accept you for who you are without sexual pressure or frustration.

 

Please think about it OP, really think about it. Can you truly accept your gf for who she is, without expecting sex?

 

If you can then I wish you and your gf all the happiness in the world together

 

But if you can't then you need to accept that about yourself. Its not a bad thing to want more sex, not at all. It just means you need someone who is also very sexual and can enthusiastically satisfy your sexual needs.

[stillafool]

I don't know why everyone keeps emphasizing my use of "sexual needs", but yes, everyone has them.

 

It's because you stated this:

 

I just have sexual needs and desires that aren't being met and don't want to continue going through this constant state of sexual frustration.

 

You certainly are being snippy with everyone here who is trying to help you. If you want to stay with your gf do and if you don't want to end up sexually frustrated around her stop making out, laying in bed together and kissing and any other contact that leads to sex. If you don't refrain from doing these things you end up frustrated and she will end up in tears. I really don't know what else to suggest in your situation.

[Redhead14]

She doesn't like sex. Pure and simple. You can try loving her as a sister, or as if you are in the friend zone.

 

She is a virgin and doesn't know if she likes sex. The poster doesn't say whether or not they've discussed if she is waiting for marriage. If she is and he is not ready for that he should move on. He needs to find someone who is on the same page. They need to have a talk about their goals.

 

She may be reticent about mentioning marriage because she may scare him away so maybe not being as upfront or clear about why she doesn't want sex. Either way, if she can't be that direct with the poster after 4 months, it's time for him to move on.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Redhead14

[smackie9]

If she feel guilts for having any sexual pleasure or contact then I would suspect her parents drilled it into her head at aver young age that sex is bad outside of marriage.....which is pretty sad because it might affect her ever enjoying sex with her future husband with this guilt hanging over her.

 

She needs to work through this on her own. It's not fair for her to be under pressure, and it's not fair to you when you have desires. Don't date a virgin if you are a sexually active person....pretty simple.

[ktya]

I don't know why everyone keeps emphasizing my use of "sexual needs", but yes, everyone has them.

 

Yes, sex is important to a relationship, whether you want to admit it or not. I don't want to break up with her, because I do truly love her.

 

I'd be fine with her being a virgin and not having intercourse. It's the fact that there is absolutely no foreplay or sexual contact in our relationship that is the problem.

 

We make out all the time, then we sit there horny, and she refuses to go farther. I have to catch her on a super rare day for her to let me touch her below or get an hj, and even that ends in "I feel bad now" or tears. I now feel bad for asking, and she feels bad for refusing.

 

But quite frankly, I'm sick of jerking myself off. And I don't think there's anything wrong, immoral, or mean about that.

 

Please use paragraphs.

 

I can't beleive everyone is dogpiling on this guy because he wants to have some intimacy with his 23 year old girlfriend of four months. They arent 15 years old. They are old enough to vote, go to strip clubs and rent adult movies for god sakes. He is not some fly-by-night operator trying for a one nighter with her, its his girlfriend. And he doesnt even have a problem if she doesnt want to break the seal just yet.

 

They make out for hours and he has to beg, horned up, for a hand job for a little release.

 

Now the bolded part is what concerns me. She gives you a handjob and this can end in tears? That is just absolutely bizarre for a 23 year old woman with her (obviously devoted) boyfriend. The girl is either completely under the thumb of some seriously overly controlling or super religious parents or she has been somehow sexually abused in the past. You need to get to the bottom of what causes her to feel so bad when she commits a sexual act, maybe if you understand the root cause better you can find a workaround.

 

In contrast, one of my friends married a devout Baptist who truly beleived in no sex before marriage - she was so devout that he had to convert and go from being an athiest to a devout Baptist himself just to have a chance at popping the question. His wife, before they married, found all sorts of ways to get around breaking the seal and still have some fulfilling time.

 

I've dated a few Catholics... and they were all phenomenal at blow jobs so I'm pretty sure that the "no sex before marriage" rule inspired them to learn such an incredible skill.

 

OP, you are absolutely not in the wrong to be frustrated with your frigid girlfriend. You need to approach the situation very gently with her and not in the heat of the moment to determine:

 

1. Why she may go to tears or get all upset when you and her engage in anything more sexual than making out. Religion, parents, something bad that happened to her in the past?

 

2. When she thinks that she will be ready and if there's anything you can do to help her feel more comfortable. Does she have a hard fixed timeline, is she waiting until marriage, is she just afraid it will hurt? (I was somehow involved in a conversation with a bunch of women talking about when they lost their virginity... and they admitted that they were absolutely terrified at something the size of a mans fully erect dick going inside of them)

 

3. If she wants to remain a virgin for a long time, is there anything else that she would feel comfortable doing in the meantime beyond a hand job. Suggest if she isnt sure that maybe you can watch some porn videos together (pick the softest porn you can find from the video store dont go trolling online) and maybe she can pick a few things she might like to try.

 

At 23, not all girls are very experimental when it comes to sex. I met my ex fiancee when she was 16 and had been having sex with her the whole time and was living with her by the time she was 23, and she only gave me one blow job in that whole 7 years, never let me go down on her and refused to do any position other than missionary or girl on top; she found BJs and doggystyle degrading... I have absolutely no idea why she wouldn't let me go down on her, shtty for her because I am actually quite good at it and really enjoy it.

 

As for the people saying "leave this poor girl alone" I know this type. If this guy breaks up with her next thing he knows she ends up a mere few days later banging some guy in a ONS and he's left thinking WTF. I went out with an Indian girl who had the whole "no sex before marriage" motto. She ended up banging some prick that I knew despite that I was dating her making out with her, dry grinding her and fingerbanging her for months. Another girl I was with who just wasnt ready ended up having her virginity taken in a hot tub with a sleaze bucket a few weeks after I broke up with her.

 

On your end you might try getting her drunk and making out with her. Not completely wasted so she has no control of herself, but she may get turned on and lose her inhibitions a little and afterwards realize that it wasnt so bad. Dont use the alcohol to coerce her just do what your already doing and she might just say "f it" and rip her clothes off. My ex fiancee did that one day after holding out for months.

 

You obviously really love this girl so I wouldnt call it quits. Shame on the posters lamenting this guys sexual needs. The man has been with a girl for four months and he can barely get a hand job. He obviously loves the girl for who she is to hold out for so long. Personally I would never wait that long I usually get laid on the first or second date and if it doesnt happen by the third I walk. This guy has held out for four months.

[Daloopa]

...if it doesnt happen by the third I walk. This guy has held out for four months.

 

He should have walked by now. But he didn't, instead he is pressuring her

 

I know how horrible that can be in a relationship.

 

There is nothing wrong at all with being very sexual, even just averagely sexual, but pressuring someone else into sex is wrong and isn't healthy for the relationship or for either of them.

 

Even if she were to hook up with the next guy she meets (which I really don't think its the case here), the fact remains, she doesn't want to hook up with the OP now. So much so that she has to force herself to even give him a rare HJ and even then ends up in tears as a result.

 

That isn't healthy for either of them.

[ktya]

He should have walked by now. But he didn't, instead he is pressuring her

 

I know how horrible that can be in a relationship.

 

There is nothing wrong at all with being very sexual, even just averagely sexual, but pressuring someone else into sex is wrong and isn't healthy for the relationship or for either of them.

 

I dont think he's pressuring her at all.

 

What she is doing is getting hot and heavy with him, getting him all turned on and leaving him blue balled. Thats not a very nice place to be as a man and yes, she is half the reason he's so burning with his desire because she's more than willing to go for broke at first base. Its the logical progression, second base that she seems very reluctant to cross.

 

He needs to find out her reasons, and not while blue balled, that she has this aversion to progressing to second base. There may be a very valid reason, whether its religion, former sexual abuse, or just that she thinks it will hurt.

 

My money is on that she was formerly sexually abused by someone in her family that made her fondle his junk. Tears after giving a handjob? There is pretty well no other rational explanation for a 23 year old woman to have this major aversion to even hand fondling with an obviously devoted boyfriend of 4 months. Even many religious girls go further than that in their teens while still holding out to be married a virgin.

[BlueIris]

Don’t stay with someone you want to change, and especially whose actions and core values don’t fit you and your life. So many people do this and it just ends in hurt.

[evanescentworld]

That's an extremely generalised statement, kyta and without the OP's continued contribution, there is very little way of telling precisely what the issue may be, particularly as his GF is not participating in the thread.

 

So all we can reasonably go on, is his PoV, his opinion of what is happening, and what he should do.

She really doesn't figure, insofar as speculation about her history is precisely that. Guesswork.

 

Nobody can have any idea of the effect this is having on her, or why, save for women who may have experienced similar scenarios, falling back on their memories and impressions of their own experiences by comparison.

As I have, and perhaps as other ladies have as well.

 

I believe their accounts to be more reliable in this case, than the detached points of view submitted by the male members in the thread.

Even, perhaps, those of the OP himself....

[Daloopa]

I dont think he's pressuring her at all.

 

What she is doing is getting hot and heavy with him, getting him all turned on and leaving him blue balled. Thats not a very nice place to be as a man and yes, she is half the reason he's so burning with his desire because she's more than willing to go for broke at first base. Its the logical progression, second base that she seems very reluctant to cross.

 

He needs to find out her reasons, and not while blue balled, that she has this aversion to progressing to second base. There may be a very valid reason, whether its religion, former sexual abuse, or just that she thinks it will hurt.

 

My money is on that she was formerly sexually abused by someone in her family that made her fondle his junk. Tears after giving a handjob? There is pretty well no other rational explanation for a 23 year old woman to have this major aversion to even hand fondling with an obviously devoted boyfriend of 4 months. Even many religious girls go further than that in their teens while still holding out to be married a virgin.

 

Well I must be the exception then. Because I was that girl in tears after giving my ex a hand job, every single time. And I was never abused as a child. Not all women are sexual, and certainly many don't feel very sexual at all when put under pressure.

 

And he IS pressuring her. Because he's actively asking for her to do sexual activities with him that make her uncomfortable constantly (even knowing they bring her to tears) and clearly showing her his disappointment when she doesn't do sexual things with him. I know what that's like.

 

The pressure both my exs put on me has tainted my view of sexual activity for many years, and even now with my loving bf who constantly tells me he loves me no matter what, and that there are no expectations or time limits, I still struggle with the feeling of being pressured in the back of my mind.

 

I get that the OP is a very sexual person, I completely get that he is suffering too. But that is why he needs to move on, and find someone who is more compatible with his needs. Not put someone he claims to love under so much pressure when she has clearly told him she isn't ready for sex, when she's clearly showing him how uncomfortable she is with her tears.

 

They both are suffering, and both need to go their separate ways so that they can find more compatible partners and have happier relationships where no one has to suffer.

[evanescentworld]

(apologies ktya, for spelling your name incorrectly in my post. Tried to edit, but it was too late, apparently....)

[pteromom]

It could be that she was abused or raised to feel guilty about sexual expression.

 

But it also could be the way the OP approaches sex. Maybe he is crude, degrading, or somehow makes her feel inferior. (No need to call me names, OP - I am just saying it is POSSIBLE.)

 

I don't know because I am not there, and his GF isn't here to tell her side of the story.

 

OP - you need to talk to your GF more about it. Find out WHY she wants to wait. What needs to change in order for her to be ready (more secure in the relationship? Marriage?) and why she cries giving HJs - why she feels badly afterward.

 

You need to understand where she is coming from, so that you can work with her where she is.

 

I do agree with those who are saying you likely have a long road ahead of you if your goal is to get her to be sexually expressive and open. If she is crying at HJs, she has a lot of work to do.