Losing my mind. Help!

[dichotomy]

I can see where all your anger at me comes from knowing you've been cheated on. Making me tell him won't change what happened to you. Theres no reason to project your situation onto mine.

 

 

Oh ? - Because a BS - and particular a BH like me can't offer an insight into what your husband may feel from your betrayal and dumping him.

 

If you wanted WS support -there is a section for that... but now I am getting a bit angry with you... so let me return to previous posts I made and remain positive.

 

I was not actually angry at you in my posts (believe it or not) ...I am trying to make this as least painful for your husband as possible if you decide to leave.

 

Also if you note my earlier advice on you getting IC - I said to help YOU in your future relationships if you leave. I really wanted you to be healthy and happy in your future - and you can't do that if you can't trace the path of what lead to the failure of your marriage and you cheating. I don't want this to happen again for you or another man. Its painful.

 

See - I wish to help you and help your husband with the best advice I can and I do this from experience not projection.

Edited September 29, 2014 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

@dichotomy. Everything has happened. I don't think I realized how badly our sex life had become until I had experienced it again with the OM. Now I don't know how to live without it again. My husband and have been together for a five years (all but a few months were dating) and at first we had a lot of passion, so its not like it was never there, just gone now.d

 

 

Delete post

[nightmare01]

Alright everyone. I tried to come on here and objectively ask for advice. I tried to present the situation in a mature and intelligent way. I have tried to honestly answer all questions. The majority of you were not able to offer anything constructive. I think most of you are here for sheer entertainment value and outright voyeurism rather than a desire to help anyone. I don't know what I expected coming on the internet for help.

 

For those that were able to offer advice in a friendly manner, thank you.

 

Have a good day everyone.

 

I'm sorry to see you go. Sadly - people who don't learn from the experience, or the experience of others, are usually bound to repeat mistakes.

 

I think the advice you've gotten is sound, but it was probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

Contrary to your stated opinion that we are here for entertainment purposes, the fact is that we are here to share our experiences and struggles with each other. We are here to give and get support from one another.

 

We invest a little of ourselves in what we write, to you and to others. Sometimes that investment can become passionate when we see someone making the same mistakes we or our spouses made. That passion isn't personal and not meant to be hurtful.

 

We all want you to live a genuine life, but it's apparent that you intend not to do so. I for one am sorry for you, and also sorry for your poor BH.

 

Maybe you'll come back and post again one day. I hope so.

 

Best wishes to you.

[HereNorThere]

So you have been cheating on your husband, lying to him, putting him at risk for STDs, talking to strangers about his personal business, plan on continuing the lie and might possibly divorce and him leave to believe that this was his fault and you aren't a bad person?

 

If you aren't a bad person, I don't know who is. You are in complete denial of what mess you've made of your family's life.

 

Look, you can either choose to do the right thing or you can continue to be immoral and disgusting. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he was putting you at risk for contracting a disease. Don't you have a right to know who you are sharing bodily fluids with? Don't you have a right to know who you are really married to you. Not only are lying about having sex with someone else, you are also lying about your moral character. Most healthy people would not stay with someone who is capable of this much evil.

 

This is one of the most selfish posts I've read on here in a long, long time.

[2sunny]

Alright everyone. I tried to come on here and objectively ask for advice. I tried to present the situation in a mature and intelligent way. I have tried to honestly answer all questions. The majority of you were not able to offer anything constructive. I think most of you are here for sheer entertainment value and outright voyeurism rather than a desire to help anyone. I don't know what I expected coming on the internet for help.

 

For those that were able to offer advice in a friendly manner, thank you.

 

Have a good day everyone.

 

I'm curious to understand what you think is helpful?

 

Co-signing your bull crap is no way helpful. Encouraging you to be dishonest and sneaky isn't helpful either.

 

 

I suppose you just wanted someone to tell you it's ok to be such a jerk to your husband...? No can do!

 

You wanted people to agree that your bad behavior is all ok?

 

You've gotten solid suggestions here yet you're mad? Be mad at yourself for making such poor choices for yourself - choices that harm others.

 

And you're in the mess now - there's no way to get out of the mess you've created without consequences.

 

You're a big girl - time to act like one. Own up to what you've done and take the consequences like an adult.

 

There's no time like the present to start learning decency.

[oldshirt]

I'd say, Im sorry, but I'm just not in love with you. I feel like I'm living with my room mate and not my husband and I don't want this for my life or for yours.

 

In my opinion, thats much better than "I had an affair"

 

(Sidebar comment for all the other posters. This is why whenever anyone says that their spouse has told them "i love you but not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) we always say to start looking for evidence of a 3rd party.

 

You have heard it right from the horses mouth right here. Once someone gets that hormone rush from an OM, those feelings are quickly lost on the husband and the husband quickly becomes like a roommate or friend or brother.

 

Any time anyone says ILYBNILWY, there is a 3rd party filling them full of horny hormones 99.9999 % of the time. And 95% of the time they have already rolled around between the sheets)

[ComingInHot]

So you have been cheating on your husband, lying to him, putting him at risk for STDs, talking to strangers about his personal business, plan on continuing the lie and might possibly divorce and him leave to believe that this was his fault and you aren't a bad person?

 

If you aren't a bad person, I don't know who is. You are in complete denial of what mess you've made of your family's life.

 

Look, you can either choose to do the right thing or you can continue to be immoral and disgusting. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he was putting you at risk for contracting a disease. Don't you have a right to know who you are sharing bodily fluids with? Don't you have a right to know who you are really married to you. Not only are lying about having sex with someone else, you are also lying about your moral character. Most healthy people would not stay with someone who is capable of this much evil.

 

This is one of the most selfish posts I've read on here in a long, long time.

 

herenorthere, the above is not entirely true... she's lying to her mother and father now too.

[2sunny]

(Sidebar comment for all the other posters. This is why whenever anyone says that their spouse has told them "i love you but not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) we always say to start looking for evidence of a 3rd party.

 

You have heard it right from the horses mouth right here. Once someone gets that hormone rush from an OM, those feelings are quickly lost on the husband and the husband quickly becomes like a roommate or friend or brother.

 

Any time anyone says ILYBNILWY, there is a 3rd party filling them full of horny hormones 99.9999 % of the time. And 95% of the time they have already rolled around between the sheets)

 

And that's why it usually looks like a lie.

 

Cheaters lie. They lie to avoid consequences.

 

Sarah is no different. She expects her new H to suspect nothing yet blame himself.

 

He deserves better - yes.

 

Don't expect your OM to hang around long when the crap storm starts. Most OM run fast when drama starts.

[oldshirt]

Sarah -

 

I can't tell you how to fix all of this without bloodshed and tears and have you come out smelling like a rose, but I can address a piece of the puzzle I think you are missing and are confused about.

 

You did not enter into the affair because you fell out of love with your BF/fiance'/husband and were dissatisfied with him. You don't seek sex with the OM because the sex had gone bad with your H.

 

You fell out of love with your husband and the sex has gone bad with your H because of your affair with the OM.

 

When you got it on with the OM, your brain got doused with a surge of hormones and chemicals and gave you that "rush" just like a crack addict taking a hit of crack. Every time you hook up after that you are taking another hit and continuing the addiction.

 

The reason you have lost desire and attraction for your H is your subconscious tries to justify your feelings and behavior with OM so your subconscious tricks you into feeling like you have lost your feelings for your H and that the he is some how the "lesser" of the two men.

 

Your rational mind can see your H is the better man but hormones clouding your brain are telling you it's all about the OM. That is what is called the "Affair Fog."

 

Another thing the affair fog does is it tries to justify the affair by doing what is called "rewriting history" which makes people second guess how they ended up with their spouse and makes them think that their relationship with their spouse was a mistake from the git go.

 

Basically your subconscious has a hard time dealing with your feelings for two men and it tries to drown one out. This has all happened very strongly with you.

[oldshirt]

Cont......

 

 

The bad news here is your ambivalent feelings towards your husband and your lack of love and respect and reverence for him and your marriage have been brought on by your own hand. Your dalliance with the OM are what tainted and spoiled your marriage and your feelings for your H.

 

If there is a silver lining and Ray of hope it is this - you caused it, you may be able to fix it.

 

The problem is it is going to be a ton of work and it is going to hurt a lot.

 

If you want to save your marriage and restore your relationship with your H, you are going to have to dry out like a crack addict and you are going to have very bad withdrawls. You will have to go complete 100% no contact forever. It may take many many months or even a number of years to completely get it out of your system. You obviously have it bad. It won't be easy or painless.

 

If you decide to leave for the OM, your H isn't just going to walk away. He will investigate and will uncover the truth and there will be a price to be paid.

 

If you continue to try to live a lie with your H and bang the OM on the side, things will really get hairy. Things will continue to spiral downhill with your H. Eventually he will start looking into why things suck so much with you and he will investigate and find the truth.

 

Eventually the OM will find a legit GF or another married woman and will walk away from you in a day (I speak from experience as I was a boy toy to several married women in my youth)

 

....or he will get tired of being your side piece and will want more and will push you to leave. He may even tell your H of the affair himself or he will intentionally get sloppy and cocky and start calling you at home in front of your H or making it obvious around all your friends and coworkers untill someone spills the beans.

 

There is no painless and neat and tidy solution here. All involve pain, tears, chaos and stench.

 

If you don't make a stand and take a definitive course of action, one of these guys is going to pop a cog and determine your fate for you.....and it ain't gonna be a pretty one.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I don't have a friend to tell these things to. Thats what I'm looking for here. Someone who will give me advice the way a friend would - from a place of sincerity and love, not from a place designed to make me feel ashamed.

 

You can talk to me OP - I will not throw any stones at you. Even though I've never been in your exact situation I will do my best to help (though it may be the blind leading the blind).

 

I think you're human and you're struggling. ((Hugs))

[Bootsie]

I'd say, Im sorry, but I'm just not in love with you. I feel like I'm living with my room mate and not my husband and I don't want this for my life or for yours.

...

 

I don't know what I said in my original post to make him sound like a player. I actually laughed out loud when I read you all call him that. ...

 

Anyway, hes not a player. I'm the first person hes been involved with in 3 years. He's a really sweet guy.

 

I personally don't necessarily think OM is the one playing someone. ..

 

I definitely don't think what I'm doing to him is fair. But I don't think I'm playing him. I'd be playing him if I didn't really love him. But I do. I'm not just doing this for the fun of it.

 

I can see where all your anger at me comes from knowing you've been cheated on. Making me tell him won't change what happened to you. Theres no reason to project your situation onto mine.

 

Alright everyone. I tried to come on here and objectively ask for advice. I tried to present the situation in a mature and intelligent way. I have tried to honestly answer all questions. The majority of you were not able to offer anything constructive. I think most of you are here for sheer entertainment value and outright voyeurism rather than a desire to help anyone. I don't know what I expected coming on the internet for help.

 

For those that were able to offer advice in a friendly manner, thank you.

 

Have a good day everyone.

 

I think most people have formed the view that you are in fact the player here, and you are playing your H in particular but also the OM. It seems you think that you would only be a player if you didn't love "him". As you've categorically stated you would tell your H you don't love him and would give him the ILYBINILWY speech (classic cheater's line by the way), it seems you acknowledge you are playing your H even if not the OM.

 

 

Either way you're probably not reading this as you've done an internet "flounce" in your most recent post.

 

 

As for advice, mine is to divorce your H as you've married him while not sincerely loving him. As for the OM, statistically the chances of that working out are low, after all you are a high risk for the OM and he effectively told you this the night before you married. If he's got any decency then he won't be encouraging you to divorce as he most likely knows that you are poor relationship material. If he's a player then he'll be egging you on to divorce your H as he won't care that you'll be left without a relationship once he's finished with you.

 

 

I'm not angry at you but I do see you following what is often called the "Cheating MM Handbook". It applies to MW too.

[oldshirt]

The diagnostic tool of whether the OM is a player or not is what she finds if she happens to show up unannounced on a Sat night at his house and see if there is some other gal there or not.

 

 

The other is how he will act when she either leaves or gets kicked out. If he fades away into the background once she is free and clear, then he was just in it for the easy poontang.

 

 

If he really is as she says however, then she is the one that is playing both ends and making promises to each that she ain't keeping.

[travelbug1996]

please divorce your husband asap. Go and be with the person you want to be with. Please don't marry someone again while you're in the middle of an affair. don't bank on this other guy since he knows you are capable of cheating.

 

I think if you had just not gotten married things could have been much easier. But you vowed to this person. Please just learn from the situation.

[BeholdtheMan]

Plus, my husband and I have no passion. I wonder if I'm even attracted to him. I don't really like having sex with him and we don't do it very much.

 

Why the f___ would you marry your husband???

 

Do you just want some guy to support you financially? You have no passion for him, you're not attracted to him. Why would you want to commit yourself to him for your entire life? Are you...wow

 

Can someone please help without guilt tripping me?

Poor baby...does something despicable but can't take the criticism

 

Please grow a pair (of ovaries)

[BeholdtheMan]

I don't need to be made to feel bad, to be told I'm ruining lives and that I'm emotionally unstable. I already know all of these things. I feel them everyday. Thanks for making me feel them once more.

 

On the contrary, you should continue to be made to feel bad until you fess up to your cuckolded husband

 

There is absolutely no way despite what any says that I would ever tell my husband about this. I think its very easy to say "Honesty is the best policy" and other more eloquently phrased versions of that, but it serves no purpose to tell him. None.

 

Then don't claim you're not a bad person. A good person might cheat...but he/she will have the integrity to come clean. A bad person cheats and then conceals the betrayal

 

You should be ashamed of yourself. Informing your husband of your affair might not be in your selfish interests, but it would definitely be in your husband's interests.

 

Are you saying a sweet, loving man like your husband doesn't deserve to know that his wife has been cheating on him? Is it right to deny him knowledge of facts affecting the very nature of his marriage? If the roles were reversed, would you not want to know the truth?

 

Surely, you're not that morally bankrupt? You say you're not a bad person. Prove it by being honest.

Edited September 30, 2014 by BeholdtheMan

[Appreciate]

Sarah,

 

If you are still reading these messages, I think you should understand that the painful things people say here will not compare to the reality.

 

I have some questions for you...

 

Which man do you think would be a better husband?

Which man do you think would be a better father?

 

And taking your own desires out of the picture, who are you more concerned about hurting? The OM or your H?

[No Limit]

Divorce and let your husband find a woman who loves him, not a woman who wants to stay because the other guy wasn't better.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sarah, what you have done is disrespectful and humiliating to a man. Add on that you cheated right before and immediately after the wedding just takes it to another level. That is what people are responding to. They are trying to speak on behalf of the victim in all of this. They are standing up to try to prevent further humiliation of your husband. That is what people who have morals do. They are circling the wagons around this good man you call husband because you are not.

 

The advice that you should disclose is to give your husband back his rights as a human being, as an adult and as a man. Withholding information is treating him less than. You, as the person who has hurt him, can not now claim to say that your reasons are to protect his emotional/physical well-being. That horse has left the barn. You have not protected him. Time to hand that over to those that will.

 

Own what you have done...and all the consequences that come with it. It is part and parcel of life....no one is exempt.

 

Give your husband the gift of being able to get tested for STDs....you might have been willing to assume the risks....he however did not sign off on your co-workers sexual credibility/healthy/risk.

[Appreciate]

AlwaysGrowing wrote a really good post.

 

But really, Sarah, you are acting like a princess here. Your fleeting sexual needs are more important than your husband's love, hopes and dreams? This man was planning on having a child with you, I'm guessing. You've destroyed that dream so you and your office playmate can talk sweet nothings to each other. It's gross. Plus, this guy sounds like a dope who is enamored with you, or flattered that a married woman would give herself to him.

 

If you divorce him, don't ask for 50% or the apartment or whatever. Move yourself out. You broke the contract and the vows, and you should at the very least be generous in the divorce. Your husband will view you as a vile slut for the rest of your life, just be prepared for that. It's not going to be easy.

[cozycottagelg]

Good people make bad choices.

 

Start making good choices and get back on track. The lying is going to eat you alive. You can do this.

[nightmare01]

I think the OP is long gone. She didn't hear what she wanted to hear - we weren't the cheerleaders for her affair that she hoped we would be.

 

There are other forums out there that support and encourage people to have and stay in affairs and never tell their BS. I'm sure she will find one of those forums and feel right at home.

 

It's likely she will continue to abuse her BH. If she stays with him and doesn't confess, their M will turn dark and poisonous as the secret she keeps festers and rots her marriage. She and her BH will both be confused about how or why this is happening, but she will always know more than he BH does, but will probably not connect the rot in her relationship with her un-confessed affair.

 

In the mean time she will probably continue her affair with her OM, which in time will become tiresome. She will feel pulled in two directions and after some years her affair with OM will become more bother than it's worth. The affair will end then and will probably go un-confessed. She will then have a building resentment toward her BH and blame him for her affair ending.

 

After awhile she will find some other boy toy to get her jollys with on the side. But that affair will run the same course as this one did.

 

If she leaves her BH for the OM, their relationship may last, or it may not. Some relationships that start as affairs do last, although most don't. Her BH will wonder why she D him at first, but when he sees her quickly take up with OM he'll figure it out and hate her for it. He will tell everyone he knows of her deceit.

 

If she and OM do stay with each other, future affairs by them both are likely. This misery will repeat itself over and over throughout their lives.

 

I feel bad for her BH. This is such a shame since all of this could be avoided if she would just take responsibility for her affair and confess.

[stillafool]

 

I don't have a friend to tell these things to. Thats what I'm looking for here. Someone who will give me advice the way a friend would - from a place of sincerity and love, not from a place designed to make me feel ashamed.

 

You are right you have no friends here, we are complete strangers. I'm surprised that you don't have at least one close friend you can talk to about this. Were none of your bridesmaids good friends? You don't want anyone to make you feel ashamed but you should feel ashamed on your own. What you are doing to your new husband is shameful and disgusting. I would suggest you go back to your parents and tell them what you are doing. Afterall they love you and more than likely will be the only ones to stand by you when your husband finds out. You should warn them now that you are still at it with this guy. You said all you wanted was advice and we have given you very good advice - tell your husband the truth. You don't want that advice so you accuse us of trying to make you ashamed. The only person any of us feel sorry for in this is your poor, pathetic husband. This guy has no idea who he sleeps with at night and it's just not fair. Sarah he will find out. God will not let him stay in the dark for long before revealing it to him.

[petee]

Younarew correct to leave the thread. Plenty of negative advice from some hurt victims, but not a lot of constructive discussion. You hit the nail on the head with your last post. Hang in there and I'm sure the correct decision will be apparent in the near future.

[nightmare01]

Younarew correct to leave the thread. Plenty of negative advice from some hurt victims, but not a lot of constructive discussion. You hit the nail on the head with your last post. Hang in there and I'm sure the correct decision will be apparent in the near future.

 

So are you saying she should not confess and just go along happily deceiving and abusing her husband?

 

Yeah, that's constructive.

 

My opinion is that while it's true that some people just flamed her for what she did, she still got plenty of solid constructive advice. Her problem was that the advice offered was not what she wanted to hear.