Losing my mind. Help!

[stillafool]

I think you just need to get a D and move on to be with the OM. Your H deserves a woman he thought he was getting. You clearly messed up now you just need to deal with it. Give your H a chance to find a woman that better suits him. Its no longer really about what you want.You already took what you wanted now give your H a chance to go find real love.

 

Clay

 

I agree. Even if you stop seeing this man and pretend to love your H you will agonize over this OM. Your H will know something is off. He probably already has something nudging him about you and can't quite put his finger on it. Don't worry, it's only a matter of time before he finds out. These things always come to light sooner or later so it's best to confess, go with the OM if that's who you love and free your H up for a woman who will cherish him. Don't be selfish and hang on to your H only because you feel he will be the best provider. That isn't fair to any man. It is very likely that once your H finds out he isn't going to want you anymore anyway.

[Silveron]

I know what I've done was wrong. I'm here for advice and have the opportunity to tell my story succinctly with only a few short paragraphs. I'm not expressing remorse in these paragraphs, I'm trying to objectively give you as many of the facts as possible without rambling on.

 

Also, I understand how you might think the OM is all those things you described but he just isn't. We are both God fearing people who never imagined we'd end up in in a situation like this. We aren't both habitual cheaters. We aren't bad people.

 

People like you are the reason I was hesitant to come on the internet and ask for advice in the first place. I don't need to be made to feel bad, to be told I'm ruining lives and that I'm emotionally unstable. I already know all of these things. I feel them everyday. Thanks for making me feel them once more.

 

 

Sarah I have given years of advice on here (under another name) and read tons on here. Along with my own personal experience of being cheated on twice.

 

 

If you want to come on here and expect only to hear the things you want to hear then you are mistaken. We are outsiders looking in. Our goal is to help you make the best possible choice, however the choice is upto you.

 

 

We have read thousands of stories on here where the OM/OW doesn't pan out like *it should of* from the cheating spouse. We also know there is a deep rooted issue with the cheating spouse on why the cheating takes place.

 

 

You cannot tell us you feel *terrible* about what you are doing and continue to keep doing it. That's either lying or being hypocrite. If you are feeling terrible about the choice you are making, then the logical answer is to stop.

 

 

In any event your husband has a RIGHT to know. To live a life under such a huge lie is not only disrespectful but you are also forcing someone to live a life with someone that they no longer want to live with. You don't want to take responsibility for your actions.

 

 

It doesn't matter about how great the sex is, what you are under right now is infatuation. It wears off and when it does you are left with nothing.

 

 

I call it how I see it. I had an ex-fiancée cheat on me (got rid of her) and my wife (emotional cheating) which I decided to stay. I only found out by detective work, she never came to me. I think the lying and the hiding of it hurt me more than anything else. Even 9 years later I still don't trust her 100%.

 

 

Tell him so that you don't completely ruin his life. It's already going to be in bad shape but for him to found out on his own (which he will, so you will be walking on eggshells until them) will completely destroy his trust.

 

 

You aren't ready for marriage. You aren't ready for this OM either. I never said you were a bad person but you are making some very, very bad choices.

[TexasMan68]

Seen this before. You'll eventually feel the same way about the OM man as you do about your H. Sex will become less and the passion won't be there like it was in the beginning. Then your feelings are going to do a 180 on you and you're going to start thinking how awesome your H was and wonder why you left him. So either way your f***ed...

[ComingInHot]

Thanks @CIH. I do know what is right. I hate myself for doing this. I really do. and I could never ever tell anyone, especially my husband, what I've done. I'd rather just leave and move away then admit to this.

 

You're welcome. I do try to offer a constructive spin from 'the other side'* Thing is if you take off and leave without getting honest, you are still taking you with you. The you that is lying, cheating and pretending. It may be easier initially to leave without facing what you've done to your husband and families but my worry is that it Will catch up to and when you can no longer push it down, it will eat you up. Dishonesty has a way of doing that.

Maybe consider coming clean so if when you make a break, it can be a clean break leaving all the cheating, sneaking and lying behind to start living an honest life within yourself and your partner. ??? Please?*

[nightmare01]

@mom Thats what Im so worried about. If i can objectively look at the two of them, and my husband can outrank the other guy in every area, shouldn't i stay with him and just try to get some passion back/ fall back in love with him?

 

Also, it makes no sense to me that i can KNOW my husband is better, but still be so in love with this other person.

 

What is wrong with me.

 

Speaking as a BH (betrayed husband) - but I'm not about to hit you with a 2x4.

 

The way you wrote about your OM in your conversation before you M your husband is making people think he is a player, and that he doesn't really want a relationship with you but rather he just wants you as a "little something on the side". As I said that impression came from the way you described your conversation with him, so the comments about your OM may well be off base.

 

I want to focus on the comment in bold above. I can't answer that question of course because only you can figure that out. I will say though that you DO NEED to figure that out because it's really important regarding how you do in any relationship.

 

You committed to your fiance / husband and then entered into a relationship with another man. Focus on HOW that choice was ok with you. Your justifications about chemistry should be set aside, because no matter which man you choose to be with, there will be people you meet in the future that you feel that chemistry with - how are you going to react to that in the future?

 

Personally speaking I think you need to choose between these 2 men. Or you could opt for telling your husband (BH), and he may well decide for you. In either case you may find yourself wishing for the other regardless of which man you choose.

 

Ideally you would feel some remorse for what you are doing to your husband. But if you don't feel that, maybe it means that you should go with the OM and D your husband.

 

Whatever you do I feel you should not choose to choose BOTH. That would be horribly abusive to your BH and self destructive for you.

 

In every circumstance and no matter which way you choose, I believe you should tell your husband what you have done / are doing. To not tell him is terribly disrespectful because you are not permitting him to determine the path his life will take. By withholding truth - lying to him - you control the knowledge he has that he can use to make decisions. In sort he is your puppet, and keeping him in this way is not a respectful thing to do to any other person.

[SarahIsMyAlias]

There is absolutely no way despite what any says that I would ever tell my husband about this. I think its very easy to say "Honesty is the best policy" and other more eloquently phrased versions of that, but it serves no purpose to tell him. None. If I decide I want to stay with him, all hope of that is gone by telling him. If i decide to leave, telling him I've cheated will only hurt his pride.

 

Also, I realize I'm not going to come on here and have everyone tell me what I want to hear. I realize the truth isn't easy to hear. Its not so much the what people say, but rather the way they say them that is the problem. There is no need for strategically bolded and capitalzed words to really drive you point home about how much I suck. I get it. You don't like me. You don't like what I've done.

 

I don't have a friend to tell these things to. Thats what I'm looking for here. Someone who will give me advice the way a friend would - from a place of sincerity and love, not from a place designed to make me feel ashamed.

[SarahIsMyAlias]

Also, I am on the internet of all places asking for advice. Good grief, if that doesn't signal complete desperation I don't know what does. Is there any need to make a desperate person feel worse?

[tom670]

There is absolutely no way despite what any says that I would ever tell my husband about this. I think its very easy to say "Honesty is the best policy" and other more eloquently phrased versions of that, but it serves no purpose to tell him. None. If I decide I want to stay with him, all hope of that is gone by telling him. If i decide to leave, telling him I've cheated will only hurt his pride.

 

Also, I realize I'm not going to come on here and have everyone tell me what I want to hear. I realize the truth isn't easy to hear. Its not so much the what people say, but rather the way they say them that is the problem. There is no need for strategically bolded and capitalzed words to really drive you point home about how much I suck. I get it. You don't like me. You don't like what I've done.

 

I don't have a friend to tell these things to. Thats what I'm looking for here. Someone who will give me advice the way a friend would - from a place of sincerity and love, not from a place designed to make me feel ashamed.

 

In my opinion it would be better to hear it from you than from someone else.

He probably senses something is wrong already.

[dichotomy]

Ok - IF your decide to leave you tell nothing? He chases after you saying "what wrong, what did I do, I love you, stay with me, what wrong, why...why..why?".... and you say....what to him exactly? Your going to have to tell him something. I mean the truth so far is sex was great, you lost interest, not his fault, you messed up, he is an amazing husband. That's pretty easy on the ego as it goes. As a BH I would want this kind of truth ....

 

 

Sooner or later OM will come out.

[ComingInHot]

My dear, if honesty were 'easy' there would be a lot less messy situations. I fear that if this is your decision it will end badly for you with respect to how you will be perceived when the perverbial 'fit hits the shan'.

I say this because your writing leads me to believe you think highly of your current reputation and status among your friends, family and peers. It could be worse depending on how you handle things going forward.

 

Have an honest talk with your parents about this. Your pastor maybe. They will love you unconditionally and you need that right now*

 

Have you considered IC??

[SarahIsMyAlias]

I'd say, Im sorry, but I'm just not in love with you. I feel like I'm living with my room mate and not my husband and I don't want this for my life or for yours.

 

In my opinion, thats much better than "I had an affair"

 

OM won't come out unless he or I tells someone. We are both deeply committed to never letting this come to light. Neither of us is proud of this. Plus, we work together, and we're great friends. We will still work together and be great friends when its all said and done.

 

I don't know what I said in my original post to make him sound like a player. I actually laughed out loud when I read you all call him that. I texted him and told him I'd asked for advice from the internet people and that they'd call him a scumbag player who only says what he thinks I want to hear. And he said "Huh. I feel like you have to be halfway "cool" to be a player, it insinuates a lot of women are into you. The internet thinks im way cooler than i am" to which I replied "Yea, and you seldom ever tell me what I want to hear"

 

Anyway, hes not a player. I'm the first person hes been involved with in 3 years. He's a really sweet guy.

[SarahIsMyAlias]

My dear, if honesty were 'easy' there would be a lot less messy situations. I fear that if this is your decision it will end badly for you with respect to how you will be perceived when the perverbial 'fit hits the shan'.

I say this because your writing leads me to believe you think highly of your current reputation and status among your friends, family and peers. It could be worse depending on how you handle things going forward.

 

Have an honest talk with your parents about this. Your pastor maybe. They will love you unconditionally and you need that right now*

 

Have you considered IC??

 

 

I'm not sure what IC means??

 

Also, the night before i was to leave for the wedding, I told my parents everything. I broke down to them and confessed. They still loved me, of course. Told me not to worry about the money, they just wanted me to be happy. They told me If i did get married that I absolutely had to stop. I swore I would. I didn't want to be a cheating wife! But obviously for whatever reason I have become one. I don't feel like I can go back to my parents now.

 

I'm definitely worried about my reputation among family and friends. I'm a high achiever, I've never done something without being the best at it. I'm nationally ranked in my profession. I don't want to be a failure and I don't want people to worry about. Hence, how I wound up on an online message board. *sigh.

[ComingInHot]

I personally don't necessarily think OM is the one playing someone. ..

[DKT3]

A few comment, you may have the worse case of rewriting the history of your relationship I've seen here. You can't look into your husbands eyes because your cheating on him it has nothing to do with chemistry, its guilt.

 

You won't tell because you know the decision will be taking out of your hands and your husband who sees you as a great woman will now think less of you and what you've done becomes real. Right now, without having to deal with the fallout its not real.

 

If you think you can hide this and move on in either direction you are making a huge mistake. You can't run away far enough for that. The reason is the problem within you, its not your husband. You can't run away from yourself.

 

Now here is the problem with most people in you position. You only see ending the marriage as about YOU. What you would have with OM should you end it. There is a whole other side that you're not thinking about, your husband. Looking past the pain it will cause and how you will handle that into what happens when another woman enters his life? What happens when the relationship with om doesn't work out and you look to crawl back?

 

Right now you want to put your husband on the backburner and see what happens with OM having him as an option. You can't see past the now, this is a huge mistake the way you are doing this.

[SarahIsMyAlias]

I definitely don't think what I'm doing to him is fair. But I don't think I'm playing him. I'd be playing him if I didn't really love him. But I do. I'm not just doing this for the fun of it.

[dichotomy]

I'd say, Im sorry, but I'm just not in love with you. I feel like I'm living with my room mate and not my husband and I don't want this for my life or for yours.

 

In my opinion, thats much better than "I had an affair"

 

 

As a man/BH, first thing I am going to do (to the first statement of yours) is "I was not good enough man/husband, I have always sucked at sex with you, and its all my fault I am your roommate and you don't love me. I am worthless man, who can't keep a good wife with me, and she is just leaving me....and oh year there must be a man who rings her bell like I never did, even if she wont tell me.... OUCH.....that's going to hurt more than anything.

 

However, If I understand your posts correctly, your husband and you at one point had a great sex life, and he is a wonderful man, but something (you cant explain exactly) caused you to loose interest, and you fell for someone else. Its your fault you became roommates and you don't love him. Ouch - but not so much as the first one. Also he can hopefully have anger at YOU (rightly placed) and not HIMSELF (wrongly placed).

 

 

 

OM won't come out unless he or I tells someone. We are both deeply committed to never letting this come to light. Neither of us is proud of this. Plus, we work together, and we're great friends. We will still work together and be great friends when its all said and done.

 

You work together, and know one will find out? Also if you do divorce - you and OM going to continue? then it will come out.

[nightmare01]

There is absolutely no way despite what any says that I would ever tell my husband about this. I think its very easy to say "Honesty is the best policy" and other more eloquently phrased versions of that, but it serves no purpose to tell him. None. If I decide I want to stay with him, all hope of that is gone by telling him. If i decide to leave, telling him I've cheated will only hurt his pride.

 

Also, I realize I'm not going to come on here and have everyone tell me what I want to hear. I realize the truth isn't easy to hear. Its not so much the what people say, but rather the way they say them that is the problem. There is no need for strategically bolded and capitalzed words to really drive you point home about how much I suck. I get it. You don't like me. You don't like what I've done.

 

I don't have a friend to tell these things to. Thats what I'm looking for here. Someone who will give me advice the way a friend would - from a place of sincerity and love, not from a place designed to make me feel ashamed.

 

Speaking gently> you are trying to control what your husband does and feels by lying to him. He had no control over your choice to be with your OM. Give him that control back by telling him the truth. He will be hurt at first, but in the long run he will be healthier for knowing the truth.

 

Many of us, myself included, were betrayed and decided to give our WS a chance at reconciliation. My WW's affair was a LTA (long term affair) that went as a EA for 8 years then became a PA&EA that went on an extra 3+ years. OM was at my house, and befriended my children. Her affair violated every thing that I ever thought I could forgive, and yet here I am. It's been 13 years since Dday and we are still together and happy.

 

Our M is different than it was, and different than it could be. But we are happy.

 

Truth doesn't kill relationships, and for many, affairs don't kill relationships either. Lies though, they almost always kill relationships.

 

Beyond the great sex and physical chemistry, what does your OM offer? Does he match up to your BH in all the other aspects?

 

It's been suggested that you go NC with your OM and start getting IC, then tell our BH. I think this is the best path.

 

One thing though, many MC and IC give rally crappy advice when affairs are involved. Basically they've read a few books but have little experience. Many of us, maybe even most of us on these sorts of forums have read the books, and have talked to hundreds of other WS and BS, and have real personal experience with infidelity. There's the difference between MC or IC and what ou hear here; many MC / IC will suggest NOT telling the BS, whereas most here will tell you to confess.

 

Why the difference? Because we've seen that when a WS has no real consequence of their affair - if they have not looked into the eyes of the one they swore to love, cherish, and respect forever and watched the light go out of those eyes and seen and experienced their pain, that the lesson seldom sticks. In short if you don't tell the lesson will go into your brain, wheres if you confess and work with your BS to recover the lesson will be in your heart.

[ComingInHot]

I'm not sure what IC means??

 

Also, the night before i was to leave for the wedding, I told my parents everything. I broke down to them and confessed. They still loved me, of course. Told me not to worry about the money, they just wanted me to be happy. They told me If i did get married that I absolutely had to stop. I swore I would. I didn't want to be a cheating wife! But obviously for whatever reason I have become one. I don't feel like I can go back to my parents now.

 

I'm definitely worried about my reputation among family and friends. I'm a high achiever, I've never done something without being the best at it. I'm nationally ranked in my profession. I don't want to be a failure and I don't want people to worry about. Hence, how I wound up on an online message board. *sigh.

 

Oh OP, now you're lying to your Mom and Dad?! Sweet Jesus darling, your rep is TOAST when this comes out the way your playin' it.

 

Not much else for me to offer besides take a clean pair of panties with you wherever you go because a SH $T STORM is a comin'

You'll see darlin'

CIH*

[SarahIsMyAlias]

I'd say, Im sorry, but I'm just not in love with you. I feel like I'm living with my room mate and not my husband and I don't want this for my life or for yours.

 

In my opinion, thats much better than "I had an affair"

 

 

As a man/BH, first thing I am going to do (to the first statement of yours) is "I was not good enough man/husband, I have always sucked at sex with you, and its all my fault I am your roommate and you don't love me. I am worthless man, who can't keep a good wife with me, and she is just leaving me....and oh year there must be a man who rings her bell like I never did, even if she wont tell me.... OUCH.....that's going to hurt more than anything.

 

However, If I understand your posts correctly, your husband and you at one point had a great sex life, and he is a wonderful man, but something (you cant explain exactly) caused you to loose interest, and you fell for someone else. Its your fault you became roommates and you don't love him. Ouch - but not so much as the first one. Also he can hopefully have anger at YOU (rightly placed) and not HIMSELF (wrongly placed).

 

 

 

OM won't come out unless he or I tells someone. We are both deeply committed to never letting this come to light. Neither of us is proud of this. Plus, we work together, and we're great friends. We will still work together and be great friends when its all said and done.

 

You work together, and know one will find out? Also if you do divorce - you and OM going to continue? then it will come out.

 

 

I can see where all your anger at me comes from knowing you've been cheated on. Making me tell him won't change what happened to you. Theres no reason to project your situation onto mine.

[Realist3]

I'd say, Im sorry, but I'm just not in love with you. I feel like I'm living with my room mate and not my husband and I don't want this for my life or for yours.

 

 

If that is the way you choose to handle it, then handle it that way. I would advise doing it sooner rather that sitting on the fence for months or years, it will just get harder and more complicated. The marriage was a sham, so let him move on. What you did was bad enough, don't compound that by allowing him to continue wasting his life with you while he could be moving on with someone that loves him.

[SarahIsMyAlias]

Alright everyone. I tried to come on here and objectively ask for advice. I tried to present the situation in a mature and intelligent way. I have tried to honestly answer all questions. The majority of you were not able to offer anything constructive. I think most of you are here for sheer entertainment value and outright voyeurism rather than a desire to help anyone. I don't know what I expected coming on the internet for help.

 

For those that were able to offer advice in a friendly manner, thank you.

 

Have a good day everyone.

[Clay]

I am having a hard time understanding what you really want from people here? They are giving you great sound advice and your refusing to take any of it into consideration.

 

You think your affair wont come out just take some time and read the other threads on this site about people just like you. It all comes out and when it does it turns out to be more painful than you can ever imagine.

 

You now have the ability to do the right thing and end it with your H and have your marriage annulled. Give him the respect he deserves. Give him a chance to find real love.

 

You serious need to take time out for yourself and get help. Your delusional if you think for a moment he wont find out in time. The real problems is when you start having kids with him. If he finds out then he will question how many other men you have been with. Is the kids his? How will he treat them knowing you cheated on him and they might not be his.

 

So you can control most of this now. If you wait you take the chance of ruining a innocent child life.

 

 

If you really cared about your Husband as you say you do you would put him first and give him the truth.

[nightmare01]

FYI

 

IC = Individual counseling

MC = Marriage counseling

[DKT3]

If that is the way you choose to handle it, then handle it that way. I would advise doing it sooner rather that sitting on the fence for months or years, it will just get harder and more complicated. The marriage was a sham, so let him move on. What you did was bad enough, don't compound that by allowing him to continue wasting his life with you while he could be moving on with someone that loves him.

100%. Her husband deserves better and should have to waste one more second with a woman who committed to him while in love with and begging another man to stop her.

 

OP you can't save face, which seems to be what your looking for. How you can have OM and still come out being this image that you think others see you as now.

 

How do you expect people not to put it all together after you leave your husband and start up with OM? This much I can promise you, people already suspect it. No matter how careful you think you've been someone knows, and in time so will your husband.

 

Just end the marriage its clear you have little to no respect for marriage, commitment or your husband. He deserves better.

 

PS no one here dislikes you, we don't know you. We think what you've done is sh*tty and looking for a cowards way out.

[DKT3]

Alright everyone. I tried to come on here and objectively ask for advice. I tried to present the situation in a mature and intelligent way. I have tried to honestly answer all questions. The majority of you were not able to offer anything constructive. I think most of you are here for sheer entertainment value and outright voyeurism rather than a desire to help anyone. I don't know what I expected coming on the internet for help.

 

For those that were able to offer advice in a friendly manner, thank you.

 

Have a good day everyone.

 

You have no idea how often we hear this.

 

The truth is when you post here the light gets hot as people key in on YOU. It comes from years of dealing with this. In the end most of us get to a common place. The whole been there see it done it.

 

The truth is you've put so much focus on the OM that your husband has become an afterthought or something in the way of you being happy. With us having been down this path we know that a point in the near future those feeling you HAVE for your husband will resurface and then you will truely have to deal with what you've done.

 

Its hard to have people think poorly of things we've done. Its hard because it forces us to look at what we are doing and see it in the light that others do. No one here makes you feel bad, you feel bad because of your actions that we won't let you run from as long as you continue here. It takes a strong person to post here with a story like yours. My own wife has shown a great deal posting here. She was ripped apart and it was even hard for me to read. She stayed and continues to post.

 

Its not personal or because your not liked. Its telling it how we see.