Told him it's done.Really hurting.. .(Updated)

[Ronni_W]

hello234, hello? hello?

You seem genuinely to not recognize how unkind and selfish you are actually being in this situation.

 

YES! Get over your own "feeling bad" when you do not respond. The sooner YOU make it clear to him that you are serious about wanting to end the affair, the sooner he will stop contacting you to try to continue it.

 

FOR HIM, he needs to accept the end of the affair BEFORE he can even make a rational decision about if or not he wants to 'just be friends' with you. For you to just expect him to be able to do that, is unfair and unreasonable and selfish.

 

YES! Just go 100% 'no contact'. That is your kindest thing to do for him, right now. But if you're into it primarily or only for the boost to your own ego, then keep on doing exactly what you have been doing.

[still_an_Angel]

Since you've already decided on NC, then please be firm and stand on your word. Responding to him is unkind and gives him a chink in the door that you appear to have not closed completely. He can see this and is probably finding ways to get back in. Maybe he thinks if continues with this, you will eventually find his persistence disarming and the A continues.

 

I'm not sure if a friendship can continue if one party still has physical desire for the other who has decided that he/she is done with the A, this would depend on a whole lot of stuff. But how can you move on if you haven't fully closed this door?

[jellybean89]

And, not only the above, But he keeps constantly checking my last online time on the chat client.. Now someone who is just after me for fun or physical, why would he care to do that much... ?

 

Help pls...

 

How do you know he is constantly checking your last status? Aren't you constantly checking on him to see what he is doing? This sounds like a couple of teenagers playing games.

 

Either end it or embrace it. Have you never broken up with someone? Sometimes the dumpee doesn't want to be dumped.

 

None of these games means he loves you. It means he thrives on drama, as you seem to. He may also be scared you are going to tell his wife so he is trying to make you think he cares. Who knows and does it matter in the whole scheme of things?

[Donesharing]

So I told MM over text, that we should not meet and end things..he was upset and said come say it to me in person so I did..i said don't contact.. Then even after that he emails me after 2 days.. we started a thread of emails, for which I put an end and said, let me tell u again via email that lets be done with this and not interact... for which he replied and said he will be very hurt and that he wont contact me.. all throughout this breakup, he has been putting sad statuses on his chats and sad quotes..He apparently isn't handling the separation well.. I can understand he is in pain.. now again after he sent that mail, its not even been 3 days , and he sends me a text with random letters.. to which I replied "what is this? whats wrong with u?"

 

First of all

1) I know I shouldn't reply back but he seems to very hurting and I just feel bad to ignore him.. Am I so wrong for replying back because I have a soft spot and perhaps still feeling love for him?

2) Do u really think this guy is really loving me and into me? Look how persistent he is and how he keeps coming back.. Or is it just that he is devastated that the only girl (me) that he was getting physical fun and comfort from, has left him and he cant get anyone else, so he is desperate? what is it, do u think?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

 

I will tell you, this happened to me. I ended it with my MM several times, the first time he contacted me and said he missed me and feels like he lost his best friend. He promised me that he was going to leave her soon. The next time I did no contact and I caved after 2 days, and he again told me how much he loves me and promised everything will get better. A few more of those on of which I asked for a specific timeline, he promised he would figure out the timeline as soon as he found out exactly how much his youngest son's college would be costing. All along telling me he was not in love with his wife, has left 3 times before, but returned for the kids sake. Then 2 weeks ago, I did the no contact, and he never reached out. I told him don't call me until you "situation." changes. (he always referred to being married as his "situation.") I stupidly text him and told him I missed him. He called me and said, please hold on and remember I am coming to visit you Sept 30, let's get to that point and I will figure it out....Anyway, because of whatever reasons, I told his wife 2 Saturdays ago. Guess what? He said he always loved his wife, was never planning to leave and always will love her, and he was never going to come here to see me on Sept 30th. I don't really know anymore what to believe..I think he is lying to her about what I meant to him. But, regardless, he choose her. He isn't leaving. 2 years of all these promises and he doesn't leave. Ugh. What I am saying is the real test is D-day or you walking away until he leaves. I really wish I could go backwards and have stuck to my 1st I'm done.

[whichwayisup]

So I told MM over text, that we should not meet and end things..he was upset and said come say it to me in person so I did..i said don't contact.. Then even after that he emails me after 2 days.. we started a thread of emails, for which I put an end and said, let me tell u again via email that lets be done with this and not interact... for which he replied and said he will be very hurt and that he wont contact me.. all throughout this breakup, he has been putting sad statuses on his chats and sad quotes..He apparently isn't handling the separation well.. I can understand he is in pain.. now again after he sent that mail, its not even been 3 days , and he sends me a text with random letters.. to which I replied "what is this? whats wrong with u?"

 

First of all

1) I know I shouldn't reply back but he seems to very hurting and I just feel bad to ignore him.. Am I so wrong for replying back because I have a soft spot and perhaps still feeling love for him?

2) Do u really think this guy is really loving me and into me? Look how persistent he is and how he keeps coming back.. Or is it just that he is devastated that the only girl (me) that he was getting physical fun and comfort from, has left him and he cant get anyone else, so he is desperate? what is it, do u think?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Block him and stop allowing him to make you feel bad and guilty. You have every right to end the affair at any time, you two are NOT committed to each other! If he truly loved you, he would have divorced already. He wants the affair, he wants to stay married. can we say..Selfish??!!

 

He, probably just like you, were/are addicted to the feelings that an affair brings, that intensity and roller coaster ride.

 

Stay in NC mode and stop reading his updates. Delete and block him on ALL social media.

[MissBee]

I don't think how someone acts after a breakup says anything about if they are truly in love.

 

Fact is: you broke it off because you were dissatisfied right? So if you were dissatisfied then whether or not he is "in love" doesn't really matter if in love still means you will dissatisfied.

 

Breaking up is breaking an attachment and it's often hard for people, even those not in love, or those who think they are in love but really they just miss the attention and having that person around. I'm sure he misses you but I don't think his post-breakup behavior or persistence signals love at all and I'd be careful of assuming it does.

 

Also, it won't help you to move on if you are still plugged into his social media. Stop looking at his social media pages as all it does is give you new things to worry about with regards to him, which defeats the purpose of moving on but keeps you stuck analyzing him.

Edited September 27, 2014 by MissBee

[Redheaded Mistress]

1) I know I shouldn't reply back but he seems to very hurting and I just feel bad to ignore him.. Am I so wrong for replying back because I have a soft spot and perhaps still feeling love for him?

 

If you truly want to end it, you shouldn't reply. In the end, it'll be easier for you and for him. In an affair, where the smallest of contacts does so much to define an involvement, every time you reach out to him, you give him hope he can change your mind.

 

If you're entertaining involving in an affair again, then tread lightly to see how you feel. Maybe define what you're hoping to get out of the whole encounter... Passive fun, a relationship on the side, a relationship that will be something later, or a relationship to replace the marriage (meaning... Divorces all around).

 

2) Do u really think this guy is really loving me and into me? Look how persistent he is and how he keeps coming back.. Or is it just that he is devastated that the only girl (me) that he was getting physical fun and comfort from, has left him and he cant get anyone else, so he is desperate? what is it, do u think?

 

Without knowing him and your relationship dynamic, it's hard to tell.

 

When I went NC in my affair, one or the both of us always broke it relatively quickly. When he went NC, it'd stick for a bit longer, but eventually we'd pick up again and I know I took every and all openings I found to try and get him to come back.

 

However, we both ended up ending our marriages to be together and we are together still. So for us, it was two people in love who knew breaking up just wasn't working.

 

That's not everybody though.

 

I'm sure there are plenty who don't want to lose the conquest, don't want to lose what they thought was an easy relationship with no commitment, or are just indefinably needy and just need to cling as tight as they can. Some people feel that, given what they've risked, they can't afford to let go. Risk everything to end up with nothing? It hardly seems fair to them.

 

What category your man falls into? Honestly, you don't know for sure until somebody goes all or nothing.

[hello234]

I am so overwhelmed with sadness right now, I cant even move or type.. I think I am going to need a lot of encouraging words and support today.. seriously..i am scared I am going to fall apart.

 

So I was caving in, and actually was thinking over the weekend about just being in touch with him, saying OK, fine, we will continue... Yesterday my feelings completely changed.. He tells me how bad his marriage is, and yesterday I see on FB(I know, I shouldn't be on FB looking at him and his family), his wife puts up a picture of them at a restaurant and say how she has been soo pampered by her hubby with a meal, a massage, dinner and drinks at home, etc... My heart just fell.. I couldn't move.. He just told me on Friday that he misses me, is so depressed, etc.. and yet hes still having the mood to go and do all this for his wife.. NOTE- Remember in my case, I don't expect him to leave her or anything, im married too, but I just feel like hes just insincere with me... he talks about how he loves me, and in his other life that he leads, he seems to be happy.. Or , it could be that they love to show off as if they are the "perfect couple", so maybe I m wrong to take it so deeply to heart? maybe I shud just see posts like that and dismiss it thinking that they are truly unhappy, as he says, he has a lot of "pain" beneath those pics and ppl just think that they are the "perfect couple"

 

That killed me and I immediately messaged him saying just leave me and be happy.. I just cant go on..This time I am just going to be strong and stick by this.. and he called me a flake, saying how I changed my mind, etc... I am so hurt.. Don't I have a right to be after seeing tat post? how he is "pampering" wife? or am I just making a big deal of it and should ignore it? did it do the right thing by ending it again?

[jellybean89]

He's pampering his wife because he WANTS to.

 

He is SHOWING you she is important to him and you are the fling.

 

Either accept it and embrace it (since you are married) or end it.

 

He isn't going to stop romancing or pampering his wife because he gets sex and attention from you. He knows his future is her and from the looks of it, it isn't an unhappy life (no matter what he says --- because most cheating men aren't going to tell their mistress that they have hot monkey sex with their wife).

 

he knows he can have you whenever he wants - with little effort. Again, accept it or end it.

[Lovelysweet2]

He's pampering his wife because he WANTS to.

 

He is SHOWING you she is important to him and you are the fling.

 

Either accept it and embrace it (since you are married) or end it.

 

He isn't going to stop romancing or pampering his wife because he gets sex and attention from you. He knows his future is her and from the looks of it, it isn't an unhappy life (no matter what he says --- because most cheating men aren't going to tell their mistress that they have hot monkey sex with their wife).

 

he knows he can have you whenever he wants - with little effort. Again, accept it or end it.

 

Your posts are just filled with nastiness, glad you are not posting on an suicide hotline. Geesh. Just hand out a glock and tell people to squeeze. Hello234 it is a proven fact, the more people post how happy they are, and try to sell it on social media, the more likely it is a farce. I have seen it with friends I know are in marriages in which they both despise one another, but to look at their profile, you would think they were in love newlyweds.

[couchcushion]

I echo both aspects to Lovelysweet's post.

 

I believe he is faking it on social media. I'm not saying this to get your hopes up that you will end up together (I have no clue), only that, as a general comment, and objectively speaking, facebook is a terrible reflection of how people truly feel inside.

 

I know it's very difficult to do, and I know you know this already, but you will start to get some relief if you stop looking at social media.

 

You WILL get over him. This is coming from someone who was deeply, deeply affected by a break up and didn't want to be alive for a couple years because of it (not suicidal, just wanted the pain to stop).

 

But it's probably not the last you will hear from him...again, not trying to say everything will be peachy-dory, but based on what I've read, he doesn't seem ready to let go yet, and neither do you.

 

Sorry you are hurting.

[DKT3]

I echo both aspects to Lovelysweet's post.

 

I believe he is faking it on social media. I'm not saying this to get your hopes up that you will end up together (I have no clue), only that, as a general comment, and objectively speaking, facebook is a terrible reflection of how people truly feel inside.

 

I know it's very difficult to do, and I know you know this already, but you will start to get some relief if you stop looking at social media.

 

You WILL get over him. This is coming from someone who was deeply, deeply affected by a break up and didn't want to be alive for a couple years because of it (not suicidal, just wanted the pain to stop).

 

But it's probably not the last you will hear from him...again, not trying to say everything will be peachy-dory, but based on what I've read, he doesn't seem ready to let go yet, and neither do you.

 

Sorry you are hurting.

this whole story is odd. They are both married, he treats her like crap and going from what she has wrote he is clearly not in love with her. She is just so wrapped up she can't see it.

[couchcushion]

at least 10 characters

Edited September 30, 2014 by couchcushion

[travelbug1996]

He is a cheater, liar and classic cake eater. He says whatever he needs to say to you to keep you around. He says whatever he needs to say to his wife to keep her around.

 

He's a selfish prick that loves neither of you.

[sweet_pea]

Your posts are just filled with nastiness, glad you are not posting on an suicide hotline. Geesh. Just hand out a glock and tell people to squeeze. Hello234 it is a proven fact, the more people post how happy they are, and try to sell it on social media, the more likely it is a farce. I have seen it with friends I know are in marriages in which they both despise one another, but to look at their profile, you would think they were in love newlyweds.

 

Can you cite this, since it's a proven fact and all.

[Lovelysweet2]

Can you cite this, since it's a proven fact and all.

 

If you believe all the happiness people display on social media, great, then if you have a dollar, I have an acre in Beverly Hills to sell you.

[Survivor12]

Your posts are just filled with nastiness, glad you are not posting on an suicide hotline. Geesh. Just hand out a glock and tell people to squeeze. Hello234 it is a proven fact, the more people post how happy they are, and try to sell it on social media, the more likely it is a farce. I have seen it with friends I know are in marriages in which they both despise one another, but to look at their profile, you would think they were in love newlyweds.

 

Assuming that you are right & that those who post "happy" pictures with their spouse are actually miserable, why do you think they do it?

 

My guess is that it's because they WANT to be happy with their spouse & are TRYING to make their marriage/relationship work.

 

As for accusing the MM of "faking it for social media", the person who posted the picture was not the MM but his WIFE who isn't aware that her H is cheating on her & may just happen to be happy because her smiling H gives her reason to be.

 

Sometimes, the guilt of having an affair can cause a cheater to make up for his/her indescretion by treating their spouse better than they otherwise would.

 

The point is that the only two people who can even come close to knowing the dynamic of & what's going on in a relationship are the two people in it. Even then, it's a case of two perspectives. To attempt to analyze someone else's relationship is futile. Even having been in a relationship with someone does not give you sufficient insight into who they are with someone else.

 

For your own good, stop focusing on the MM, his wife & their relationship. Instead, look inside yourself. That's where the key to your happiness will be found, not in someone else.

[Lovelysweet2]

Assuming that you are right & that those who post "happy" pictures with their spouse are actually miserable, why do you think they do it?

 

My guess is that it's because they WANT to be happy with their spouse & are TRYING to make their marriage/relationship work.

 

As for accusing the MM of "faking it for social media", the person who posted the picture was not the MM but his WIFE who isn't aware that her H is cheating on her & may just happen to be happy because her smiling H gives her reason to be.

 

Sometimes, the guilt of having an affair can cause a cheater to make up for his/her indescretion by treating their spouse better than they otherwise would.

 

The point is that the only two people who can even come close to knowing the dynamic of & what's going on in a relationship are the two people in it. Even then, it's a case of two perspectives. To attempt to analyze someone else's relationship is futile. Even having been in a relationship with someone does not give you sufficient insight into who they are with someone else.

 

For your own good, stop focusing on the MM, his wife & their relationship. Instead, look inside yourself. That's where the key to your happiness will be found, not in someone else.

 

My point has little to do with how his wife views her life, but the fact that there is often much more behind the happy illusion people press too hard on their social media. This thread proves the point. Friends and family looking at her happy massage-dinner post might be thinking, wow what a great husband, she is so lucky, all this while the man is professing his love to another.

[Red123]

Some people do post real happy pictures on social media that actually reflect their lives. My family is far from me and I post pictures of our family for them to see what we are doing, especially now since my grandma is able to see them. None of what I post is fake. We struggle as we are in R but the struggles don't reflect everyday, we are happy sometimes too. As an example my H and I went to a concert last weekend with some friends and had the best time. I posted pictures of us with our friends having fun, and we were having fun. My H actually went in the mosh pit for the first time in 10 years and trust me it was a great night for him. I guess if people knew what we are going through they might say the smiles are fake in those pictures from that night, but it was real. I can't speak for everyone but life isn't black and white. During struggles there are still happy times in there too. We have had a brutal year but there have been lots of great times too.

[Lovelysweet2]

I am not advocating that all happy themed social media posts are a sham, but many are. The most unbelievable, was of an acquaintance I knew who was going through a really nasty ugly divorce, this person displayed daily photos of her and her husband doing happy things together, writing how much in love the were and that the old photos were in real time, and in the week of the actual divorce, took their profile down, and it has not been up since. Strange, but true.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Some people do post real happy pictures on social media that actually reflect their lives. My family is far from me and I post pictures of our family for them to see what we are doing, especially now since my grandma is able to see them. None of what I post is fake. We struggle as we are in R but the struggles don't reflect everyday, we are happy sometimes too. As an example my H and I went to a concert last weekend with some friends and had the best time. I posted pictures of us with our friends having fun, and we were having fun. My H actually went in the mosh pit for the first time in 10 years and trust me it was a great night for him. I guess if people knew what we are going through they might say the smiles are fake in those pictures from that night, but it was real. I can't speak for everyone but life isn't black and white. During struggles there are still happy times in there too. We have had a brutal year but there have been lots of great times too.

 

My feelings on the falseness of the social media posts are the same as yours. First of all, lots of REAL life going on. People battling cancer, loss of loved ones, chronic pain... But these people post happy things, pictures of themselves enjoying the moment. Pictures of the people they love, funny stories about their kids, successes, failures, rants as well as posts about their gratefulness. I don't see a lot of fakeness on MY FB page but at the same time, I'm not questioning anyone else's happiness.

 

I think things are often a lot easier to read than we make them. They had a nice evening, she felt compelled to share her experience and appreciation for his attention. It's got to be fake because you two KNOW your up to no good? I really don't understand the discontent of MP in affairs. Both don't want to leave their marriages, both looking to add another little something to their lives, both with families of their own. What makes what seemed like a good setup cause so much unhappiness? I can see it when one OP is single. Maybe the two of you want want something different from your arrangement. I don't think he needs your constant attention or to be number one in your life to feel important, wanted or to make up for what he doesn't get at home. It seems like that IS something that you are looking for in the affair and when he gives that to his wife then you feel doubly bad. Not only aren't you feeling it but you had to witness him give it to someone else. Maybe you could work with your H in things that make you feel special or wanted then you wouldn't NEED that so much from MM.

[the_artist_1970]

If you believe all the happiness people display on social media, great, then if you have a dollar, I have an acre in Beverly Hills to sell you.

 

Believe it or not some people who post happy pictures on social media are actually happy. I believe people who don't believe that have no happiness within themselves and can't imagine that other people can actually be happy in their lives. Ok, the guy is a cheater but his wife may not know that. Maybe he is treating her like a queen on the surface and lying and cheating behind her back. Some people are really good at creating a loving, happy environment for their spouse while shagging someone else on the side. Some people are really good at manipulating.

[Lovelysweet2]

Believe it or not some people who post happy pictures on social media are actually happy. I believe people who don't believe that have no happiness within themselves and can't imagine that other people can actually be happy in their lives. Ok, the guy is a cheater but his wife may not know that. Maybe he is treating her like a queen on the surface and lying and cheating behind her back. Some people are really good at creating a loving, happy environment for their spouse while shagging someone else on the side. Some people are really good at manipulating.

 

I do not know where you read that I said that 'all' happy pictures are fake, I have said many, most I know, because I know the truth behind the scenes. I, myself, am guilty, I only post the most happy pictures on social media, no one would know, some days my depression has more than the best of me, and on those dark days, I have posted the most fabulous, gleaming pics. Fake, sure, real, no, but I am not going to post the darkness.

[goodyblue]

Your posts are just filled with nastiness, glad you are not posting on an suicide hotline. Geesh. Just hand out a glock and tell people to squeeze. Hello234 it is a proven fact, the more people post how happy they are, and try to sell it on social media, the more likely it is a farce. I have seen it with friends I know are in marriages in which they both despise one another, but to look at their profile, you would think they were in love newlyweds.

 

The first part of this made me lolol

 

To respond to the social media thing... I post pics of our family all the time. Fun things, the last one from two days ago we were camping and my guy was making the kids donuts. Everyone was laughing and having fun dipping the donuts in sugar and cinnamon. And it was a true snapshot of our weekend. I am the happiest I have ever been. On the other side of that, a friend of mine posted pics of she and her hubby together, then I found out they weren't't even living in the same state. My point is, you never can tell.

 

What you can tell is that it hurts your feelings. So stop it. Chin up. I know it sucks.

Edited September 30, 2014 by goodyblue

[hello234]

"Friends and family looking at her happy massage-dinner post might be thinking, wow what a great husband, she is so lucky, all this while the man is professing his love to another. "

 

- EXACTLY!!! THIS is what really frustrates me.. I tried to leave him and he was soo after me, saying how depressed he was, that he needs me, he needs my love and care etc..telling that he loves me.. While on the other end of the pond, he is going and "pampering" wife and looking to the world as if he's a great husband..he himself admits that his posts on FB is superficial and he admits to me how much pain he is in beneath all that, and that his marriage is broken, ruined, hes not happy, bla bla etc..

 

Whats frustrating is that..even though he says all this, he eventually goes back to her (and remember I am not expecting him to leave her, as I am married myself) and then expects ME to provide the love and care..but then what do I get for it? just a few hours of his time, few dinners now and then, kisses, and then sex.. It pains me everytime I see posts like that, even though I know they are FAKE but he's making himself out to be what he is not to the rest of the ppl..

 

I want to be able to profess our love in public, enjoy things with him without having to hide, etc..but I guess no way to do this.. But still its frustrating how he is doing all this with me behind Wifes back and then going and doing stuff for her , but expects LOVE and care from me.. like what the heck am I ? why should I be responsible for that? He says he loves me and likes me a lot.. ARGHH...

 

If I try to leave it, he is not letting it go... and I also at the same time, it pains me to stay in the affair..So is there any solution as to how I can remain in contact with him, just be as friends, but keep him at a distance and not get too close so that I am not affected by his life and what he does with wife? Like cant I just be simple friends on social media and just not meet him or something like that?