Day One...

[Day.One]

28/12/14

 

Family Xmas #3. Spending the day with my (so called) adopted Dad and his wife, along with waw, my sister and brother and various nieces.

 

Poor old fella is completely checked out, mentally (alzheimers). No longer knows who anyone is. No great loss to me, as I gave up on him years ago, but my sister (biologically his) needs my support, so I'm here for her.

 

All a bit sad really, seeing a ghost, a memory of a person trapped inside an empty shell.

 

In brighter news, NYE sorted as well. We were going to oldest son's bar, for a 1920's themed night, until he got laid off on the 23rd. Obviously we're not going to support the bar that sh*t canned him, so I found us an alternate venue for NYE (another local bar that will have mutual friends).

 

waw was bummed that she didn't get to dress up all fancy (had her 20's outfit all figured out), so I've told her I will find another dressed up occasion and take her there, in the new year.

 

Interestingly waw wants to invite her neighbour/work colleague/confidant/friend to join us at the party. For some reason she really wants to show her friend this 'new man' she's so happy with.

 

And waw is going to sleep over, here, after the party. I'd invited, she accepted.

 

I think we're becoming the least separated separated couple I've ever heard of.

Edited December 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Day.One]

30/12/14

 

Was supposed to meet Wife to go to the gym last evening. I almost cancelled as I'm coming down with flu. Met her only to find out she's worse than I am! But she didn't want to not see me.

 

So I brought her back here, swaddled her up in blankets, made dinner and put White Christmas on the TV. Dosed her up with Nyquil, told her she's not going back out in the cold, but would stay here the night instead so I can take care of her.

 

Dropped back at her apt the following morning on my way to work.

 

Not much up an update really, except that it felt good that she wanted to be with me (at the gym) rather than stay home, and felt secure enough to allow me to take her to my house and take care of her for the night. She wasn't scared of me. That's an improvement.

[Day.One]

1/1/15

 

Happy New Year! Certainly was here anyway. Great evening out with Wife and friends then back here. Both of us.

 

This morning's 'celebrations' cut short as oldest son arrived home. So we got dressed and started to make breakfast instead.

 

But then he left again, so I told her "Hey you, back upstairs, lets finish what we started". So we did.

[Light Breeze]

Hi OP,

 

I was reading through your entire thread with a big smile

 

I'm Rooting for you and your wife. Please keep the updates going!

[Day.One]

04/01/15

 

Another good day. Nothing earth shattering, just spending (most of) the day together. Getting stuff done, and talking.

 

She'd asked me to help move the closets to her apt as she hadn't been able to sort out transportation herself, and she has no clothes storage to speak of. All her stuff is on the floor. (recap: she needed closet's, we have unused ones here, i'd offered them so she didn't have to buy new ones)

 

This is kind of a big deal, as after D-Day she'd been clear that she didn't want me at the apt. "Her space to heal". But now she was willing to let me in. Which, obviously, means she is "letting me in", again. Emotionally. She feels safe enough to have me in her space.

 

However, I only felt comfortable enough to get as far as the front door. No amount of "manning up" could get me across that threshold.

 

Fortunately I'd already broken the closets down, so I brought the pieces from the car and she carried them up her stairs (1 flight). She's smart enough and handy enough to put them back together, and I'd already marked "Tab A", "slot B", etc with decals.

 

After that I took her to the outdoors store so she could buy new hiking shoes. Kind of another big deal due to our previous hiking 'issues' (she's slow, i'm fast, i'd leave her behind. A 'theme' she felt applied to our previous relationship). So, to me, it seemed like she is moving on from those previous mistakes (read:screw ups on my part).

 

Following that, onto the next job. She'd bought a 'live' (ie; potted) xmas tree for us. Now xmas is over we weren't sure where to plant it. Until we had the idea of putting it near Bella's grave, in the woods where she rests. So we went together and did that.

 

We had a bit of a 'moment' together, over the loss of our dog, then she took me to lunch to say thank you for helping with the closets and taking her to the hiking store.

 

Stuffed with lunch and tired we drove back home. Had a few potentially triggering moments during the day, but we resolved them very quickly. No escalations anymore. A big step forward that is becoming more commonplace and easier, for both of us.

 

On the way home she was touching me in a way that I had to tell her "if you don't quit that I'm going to drive right past your apt and take you to my place!" Reluctantly she did stop. But I think she would have been fine to have been 'kidnapped' too.

 

 

Little bit of mutual sexting and joking around this evening after she texted me "missing you", but left it at that. A booty call would have been a LOT of fun, but I'm in this for the long game.

[Aint_Easy]

don't stop posting man. this is an amazing story of growth and second chances.

[Day.One]

Not much to report really. We had a bit of a blow up the other night, due to unexpressed emotions and bad communication. But resolved it quickly, much quicker than we have in a long time. Within a few minutes after a cool down period. Because we were both able to step back and work out what was behind it. It gave me (and her) some new points to think about and self assessments to be made. All positive though.

 

But apart that, we haven't seen much of each other. This is a due to a big (company wide) IT rollout at work that i'm involved in. 15 hour days, home, bed, back to work, repeat. 6 days a week. This is going on thru the 17th.

 

She likes this new 'separation' about as much as I do (ie not!), and looks for ways to be around me. She's going to my house on Saturday to make dinner for me when I get home from work, and jumped at the opportunity to 'dog sit' a couple nights ago.

 

Funnily enough when I texted her to say I was heading home that night, she said she'd wait until I got there instead of going heading back to her apt. It was only a few minutes together before I walked her home, but was worth it.

 

Apologies this thread doesn't have the "drama" of others, but we're just on a slow, gradual reworking of ourselves and our relationship. All for the better.

[Light Breeze]

It's alright man, these mundane things make this so real.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

this thread made me tear up a bit, glad to see progress, never lose hope when the other party is willing to make an effort.

 

 

cheers*!

[Day.One]

She came over last night. Her plan was to make me dinner, hang out for a while and then go home, because I was tired.

 

 

 

She didn't go home.

 

 

 

And I wasn't too tired.

 

 

 

 

 

But now i'm exhausted.

 

 

15 hour work days, plus 8 hours MORE work on Saturday, followed by a night (and morning) of hot monkey sex, followed by a d*mn good gym session (together).

 

 

Guess what else i'm doing today...

 

 

This:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[Light Breeze]

Lol

 

Nice, brother, very nice:cool:

 

Question: does your 1 year separation agreement still on?

[Day.One]

Lol

 

Nice, brother, very nice:cool:

 

Question: does your 1 year separation agreement still on?

 

It's nine months now (but who's counting?...) And yes, it is. Although we've turned a corner and are getting along great there's still a ways to go. The separation is helping us with that. Gives us room to heal, recover and work on our selves. It's working, for us.

[Light Breeze]

Goodluck brother! This is the best story I've ever come across re personal growth and reconciliation I'm pulling for you and your wife!

[hopelessromantic89]

Just read through your entire post, thank you for constantly updating. My ex boyfriend and I are are going through similar things. I needed to work on myself, we didn't like what we had become. I have been in therapy for several months now, trying not to focus on the part we get back together as healthier happier people. But, the process...though hard to let go of my past which is the cause of my anger and trust issues...along with other issues. It's tough going from constant interaction to nearly none, but I have set down ground rules and am sticking to them. Seeing you stand up for yourself and ask for your space has helped me!

 

Thanks for the inspiration and motivation. I can't wait to hear more.

[Lion Heart]

Dear Day One and waw

You guys rock. I've read all your posts obsessively over the past 2 days and can't believe it's been 9 months already! No I don't want to stop hearing about your journeys. If you write a book about all this, I'll buy it. More than 1 I think.

You have shown how each person is a sum of their interpretation of their past, how with hard work and good professional support (plus a gym!), we can re-interpret our life experience and use it to empower our individual selves. THAT'S very attractive and with both of you facing it all apart and together, you will be unstoppable either as a re-married couple or maybe good friends.

I don't know if it's true but gosh it seems you two have alot of love for each other??

On your darling pet, how lucky was she to have you guys love her so much . I'm sorry for your loss.

I've giggled and cried at reading your posts. Where's the next one!!

Bestest wishes

Lion Heart

[Day.One]

Thanks all for the positive responses. It means a lot to know that I have a support team here on LS. More updates when they happen.

[Josmatjes]

Wow!!! I just read all of your posts! I really admire you on this journey. It's never easy to really take a close look at ourselves and it's even harder to initiate change. Keep going you are doing so great!!???

[Day.One]

Not been around for a while, so thought I should update.

 

Work's been crazy. A long awaited project has finally kicked off, so i'm working my a$$ off. Up at 0700, home at midnight (just got in), 5 days a week, then all day Saturday. This goes on thru March. Kinda grinding me down, but I just keep thinking about the money.

 

Started out in my local office, now I'm up in London, then on to other sites round the country. After London's done I'll be hotelling it, so not home at all (except Saturday night - Sunday). Have to leave my remaining dog at my Sisters during the week, which is a bummer. First time in a decade I've been coming home to a dogless house. It sucks.

 

The house isn't totally empty though. My oldest boy is back here for now after changing his job. So we get to hangout, occasionally. He tends bar so his hours are crazy too. But it's good to spend time with him.

 

Sundays are definitely my 'rest' day. That being said, I don't rest too much. Gym is still a Sunday morning ritual (with her), but the sessions during the week are on hold. I considered going after work, but I barely get enough sleep as it is. When I get home, i'm often so hyped it was taking a couple of hours to get to sleep, even though I'm wiped out. So I've had to occasionally take a non prescription sleep aid. It's needed, or I'm a zombie the next day. Fortunately my job isn't bomb disposal or brain surgery...

 

It's my birthday on Wednesday (which already today here, by 15 minutes! Happy B'day me!). She wanted to take me away for a couple days as a birthday gift, but I suggested that I work through to the end of the project, grab all the overtime cash I can, then I'll take her away, for a whole week somewhere. She liked that.

 

I do kinda feel 'bad' as work has taken me away from the books (though I was reading Hold on to your N.U.Ts on the train home tonight), and the forums, and I worry i'll backslide, things do seem to still be going OK for me. I'm calmer, less prone to going BOOM, and more respectful to my co-workers. I do still get carried away with 'banter' ("joshing"), but I don't feel it has an 'edge' to it like it used to. And when I see it happening, I dial it back. The same goes for 'Mr Angry'.

 

That's all i got for now. Brain is mush, 'Night all.

[Lion Heart]

A BIG Happy Birthday to you. Hope you had a great day.

 

LH

[Day.One]

A BIG Happy Birthday to you. Hope you had a great day.

 

LH

 

 

Meh, nosomuch. Disappointed that she declined my invitation to stay over last night. Would have been nice not to wake up alone on my birthday. 'Needy' perhaps, but thought she might have wanted to make the gesture.

 

I think she made excuses rather than reasons.

 

"I'd like to wake up with you on my B'Day. How about going over to mine and waiting for me to get home"

"i've just come from the gym"

"Yum, i like you all sweaty!"

"I need a shower"

"So go to mine, take a shower and put my robe on. Just the robe..."

 

On and on...

 

I made it clear (to me?) that I wanted her to come over, but when she kept making excuses, I didn't push it.

 

Could I have said "hey, enough dancing around, get over to mine!"?, sure.

 

But what would have been the point in that? I'd have come across as needy and pushy. She knew I'd be alone, she could have chosen to change that. She didn't. I sure as h*ll wasn't going to beg.

 

I'm not going to see any family members today, on my birthday. It would have been nice if she'd recognised that and made the effort.

 

But she's gone from wanting to go away with me for a couple of days as a birthday treat, to not even choosing to spent the night. I need to know why.

[legion113]

Hey Day One, please keep posting, your story and the way you write makes for some great reading.

 

Regarding her not choosing to spend the night, could be anything really. Period, cramps, migraine, or just feeling like things are going too fast all of a sudden. Once she said "I've just come from the gym" you should have left it alone.

Let her decide to take a quick shower or take one at your place instead of backing her into a corner.

Or maybe she's preparing a surprise bday party. At any rate, just go back to being cool and collected like you were in your first few posts. She pulls back, you give her slack.

Congratulations by the way, and I wish you continued success in getting your wife back once and for all.

[Day.One]

24.1.15

Invited her to join me for dinner at a local restuarant. I met her with a smile and a peck. I chose not to go straight into it (Wednesday night), but asked her about her week and (active) listened to what she had to say. Told her about mine. Kids, friends, blah blah. Happy, smiling, a good time, not forced. On both sides.

 

We only had the table for an hour as I was a "walk in", So we didn't have time to get into Wednesday. After the meal, she paid. I offered to go dutch, but she insisted.

 

But then she pulled an "isolate, instigate". On me! Took me to a nearby club that she'd looked up where there was live music. Also took my arm and didn't let go.

 

On the way I told her I wanted to talk about Wednesday. She agreed and said she had a lot to say too, but asked if I could wait. Not tonight. I replied that I wasn't happy putting it off, and that I wasn't going to rug sweep. But that as this had turned into a night out, rather than just a meal, I would hold off. For now.

 

Club turned out to be a DJ instead of a band. Neither of us were into that, so we left. As we were heading back, I heard music nearby. Turned out to be coming from one of my favourite bars. A live band playing classic rock. So we got a table. Beers, wine, and vaping is permitted. Win.

 

D*mn, the music these guys were playing was awesome! Zepp, Sabbath, Stones, ACDC, Thin Lizzy. When they played a metal version of "Heard it through the grapevine", I about lost my sh*t! (you had to have been there). The young guitarist was a gift from heaven!

 

Ok, so not exactly what you were hoping to hear. But here's the thing. I could have gotten all LB because we weren't dealing with what I wanted to deal with. But I didn't. I chose to go with what was happening. And I lost myself in the music. Just totally rocked out! Like I never have before. I just went with it. For me. And it was an awesome evening. I caught a couple of glances at waw, she knew that I wasn't focussed on her, that I was in my own moment. I was there for me. Not ignoring her, but just thinking about myself.

 

And it felt good. It felt right. It reminded me that I'm #1. That my happiness is the most important thing, not to gauge if I'm OK by how she see's me. It was releasing.

 

Stayed until the band was done, then walked her home. Peck, hug, see ya. We're going to get together tomorrow and hash out what's going on.

[Day.One]

25.1.2015

 

Wall o text again.

 

She came over to mine this morning. I explained my feeling like I didn't have a birthday. That it was harder than I thought it would be. That my memories of not having birthdays as a kid may have affected me more than I thought, when I didn't "get a birthday" this year.

 

I've always 'played down' birthdays, that they're not that big of a deal to me. But in reality, they are.

 

She feels that when I don't get my way, how I want it, I sulk. And take it out on her.

 

And she admitted to doing whatever she can to please me, just so I will like her. And she doesn't like that, because that's how she grew up. That she would do things for people, to make them like her, because she felt that nobody liked her, cared about her.

 

So she has to be truer to herself, which means that she will no

longer do what's 'expected', if it means she feels lessened by doing it. Not to say that she won't ever do things that she doesn't want to do, but won't always do things just to please me.

 

She struggles with that, because she's afraid that I will not like her. Be angry with her for not doing what I want.

 

I thanked her for being honest. It means a lot, that she can say how she feels. To me. That I know it's hard, as I don't always react well to her saying how she feels. Because I take it as an attack, on me, and react defensively. Which pushes her away.

 

I told her that it is hard to hear, that she feels that she has to

please me, to be liked. To compromise herself. That's not who she should be. I want her to be true, to herself.

 

There'll be times when I don't like it, and I may not react well, but as long as we're honest with each other, that we deal with the problems, better than we have before, we can work through it.

 

I said that I felt confused the other night. After all we've been

doing, together, recently, I felt I was being punished in some way. That she'd picked that day to pull away.

 

She hadn't pulled away, she had just felt it was impractical. That I've been working crazy hours, not sleeping well, was exhausted, she felt it was better not to spend the night. That she snores, loudly, and she knows it bothers me, keeps me awake. And I needed to sleep.

 

She is genuinely worried about me. These long days are taking a toll on me, she see's it, and wants to try and make sure I take care of myself. If that means she thinks i need sleep over time with her, that's what she wants to give me.

 

But she also felt like I hadn't appreciated what she HAD done for me. She'd got me a card (actually two cards), called me (twice) to wish me happy birthday, organised a birthday dinner last weekend and attempted to make a getaway for us.

 

That she HAD wanted to be with me, but the things she'd planned had been blown out. I'd been exhausted last Sunday, so we didn't go out, and I'd chosen work over time off, with her. She felt that I'd blown off what she had tried to do, and then gotten mad because she didn't do what I wanted to do. That I didn't appreciate what she had done, and tried to do, for my day. And that had made her angry.

 

It had been especially hard as it had been the first time in years that she had bought me a card, and been able to enjoy the sentiment, rather than just do it out of obligation, without expecting me to dismiss it. Because she had, for the first time in years, felt connected to me.

 

I agreed that I can see why she was upset, I have a history of doing that. Shooting down her ideas, and then only wanting to do what I want to do. Because of where I was at the time (up my own a$$).

 

In this case, there were genuine reasons why I had not taken her offers, but I accepted there was a long history of me dismissing her efforts. Which would have tainted this occasion.

 

I suggested that she was, at least subconsciously, coming from that place the other night. Pissed at me for blowing off her ideas, and only doing what I want. That although she may not have known it at the time, as I didn't appreciate my childhood memories at the time, it may have affected her, like it did me. She accepted that and took in on board.

[Day.One]

I told her that, in hindsight, I should have taken the time off. A couple days of missed overtime over being with her doing the thing she had planned should have been more important. Because a part of me knew that "damn, I've done it again". Blown her off. I recognise that I have done that too often. And that, even though this occasion had 'real' reason's, it had still hurt her.

 

She felt that I wasn't just being a d!ck, but that I still cannot accept good things being done for me. And I can own that. I do have a hard time with people doing things for me. I need to work on that.

 

She appreciated that I had seen that, even if it was too late.

 

I then moved on to how we failed to work it out on the phone that night. That, as we now know, were both coming from a bad place. Both had our own hurt going on, but hadn't resolved it before clashing.

 

That we have to both work on being able to recognise when we're not ready to deal with a conflict. Something we're both bad at. We try to hammer our point onto the other one, when one or neither of us are ready. That we need to be able to say "time out", and respect that request. Maybe for an hour, maybe for a day. But then agree to come together and talk it through again. No rug sweeping, again something we're both guilty of, as it only causes resentment.

 

But a positive note, she doesn't feel that I'm coming from "the old place", the old me. That even when things went south the other night, she felt that the fight wasn't like it had been before. It was much calmer. She felt safer.

 

I agreed. I'd noticed that although the shields had gone up, on both sides, neither of us had fallen into the old habits of scoring points, insulting, and throwing the past at each other. We'd stuck to what was happening in that moment. And that's a good thing.

 

And that we wouldn't be able to have the conversation we were having right now if we were still using the same (bad) coping methods we used to use. That it's changed, we have changed. And it's working.

[Lion Heart]

"I'd like to wake up with you on my B'Day. How about going over to mine and waiting for me to get home"

"i've just come from the gym"

"Yum, i like you all sweaty!"

 

Enough for me!

PLENTY BIG SIGNAL there chief!

Birthday treat?

ABSOLUTELY!

Warm, cuddling & loving on your birthday

 

IF it didn't trigger something.

How were you towards her on her birthday champ? Need I ask but it could've also triggered thoughts of how she felt about her life and you on your last birthday? Was she downright miserable?

 

A minute of empathy, putting yourself in her shoes goes a really long way sometimes.

 

Sorry it wasn't as you planned.

 

Lion Heart.