Day One...

[Day.One]

She came by Wednesday evening. A justified visit. One of our dogs spent the day at the vets as she has been ill for a while and had to go in for blood tests and X-rays.

 

Wife had tried calling and texting to find out how the dog was, but I was driving and then later left the phone in the car while i was in the vets due to phone going nuts getting several texts and calls from other concerned family members and friends.

 

I had no update to give any of them until had seen the vet, so no point in repeating "No updates" to all parties until i had one.

 

Anywho, got the dog back, left the vets and Wife was there as i pulled up at home. She'd been worried (about us both) after not hearing back, and wanted to make sure we were OK. She'd even detoured from her gym session (opposite direction), and had left friends waiting. So it was a nice gesture from her. As was offering to help with vet expenses.

 

So i invited her in and gave her all i knew about the diagnosis (was diagnosed as possibly Addison's disease, but later ruled out).

 

Chit chatted about this and that, then she asked if i had managed to get counselor recommendations. I gave her the cards i had been given, and also a book recommendation.

 

I also suggested she look into local divorce support groups. She said "But i don't want a divorce!", I replied that they deal with separation as well. She wasn't willing to go to a support group as a) she doesn't like opening up to anyone, especially a bunch of strangers (which is fair enough, i'm not big on it either), and b) that she was concerned it would be filled with a bunch of burnt, spiteful, men-hating women ("and i don't hate men". I think she was including me in that)

 

So i suggested perhaps LS (other forums are available) as a possible source for help, and a place where you can just express how you feel, what you're going through, anonymously. No real names needed. And, some of the other posters offer very helpful advice and guidance. At least you have for me!

 

But i made it clear that the suggestions were just that. I was strictly hands off. This was (as i explained), a clarity for me, more than her. A verbalization so I understood that i was not to help any further. All i was doing was offering some tools, what she builds with it is up to her.

Edited November 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Day.One]

Thursday: Out for my Mum's birthday dinner, just the three of us (Jamie Oliver restaurant, for those over here). Wife had offered it as all other family was out of town, and Step-Dad is in long term care, so Mum would have been alone on her birthday.

 

Wife and I had agreed that we would try not to talk about 'us' during the dinner, and it was surprisingly easy. We had a great time, good conversation, and pleasant company. Just three friends, out for a meal. The closest we got to talking about 'us' was both agreeing during the conversation about getting another glass of wine (for her), that we'd been drinking to try and numb the pain of our 'relationship'. When Mum said that sometimes it's good to have a companional drink together, we looked at each other and cracked up. It's because we had gotten to the point of never drinking together (or anything else). I'd drink outside by the firepit, every night, and she'd drink indoors in front of the TV. A small, but shared source of amusement and recognition of the 'life' we didn't have together.

 

Mum got a taxi home, and Wife and i accompanied each other back towards our houses.

 

So we were now free to talk again about us. We agreed that we had been able to have a great evening, without having to follow any 'rules', or feel constricted. In the heat of the moment, i dived in and gave her quick kiss. *

 

She told me she has an appointment with one of the therapists i'd given her next Tuesday, and that she is getting the book i'd had recommended.

 

But what impressed me is that she'd researched both the book and the therapists before deciding. She'd really put thought into it, rather than just doing it because she 'had to'.

 

One thing had come up during dinner was that she had mentioned building a bed frame, as her mattress was on the floor at the apartment. She hadn't taken our bed frame with her.

 

Mum said that she has a bed frame at her house that isn't used and Wife could just have that. Wife seemed to disengage slightly at that point. Still involved in conversation, but wheels were turning. A few minutes later she said "thank you for the offer, but building the frame is something i want to do, need to do". She didn't say it forcefully, but with confidence.

 

Again, i was really impressed with that. We both suffer from a fear of failure, which has too often prevented us from attempting new things. When she has put her mind to it, she has made some really stunning things. So to see all this happening shows me she is moving forward. And i validated her for her efforts.

 

Got to the end of her block, but talked some more. About where i'm at right now. That i'm progressing really well with changing my attitudes, my way of thinking. But that i'm afraid of accepting these changes, believing in them. She suggested that it's because i don't believe in myself, and she had a point. I don't, yet. When i feel that these changes aren't being used, applied, but actually ingrained. That they are my thought processes, rather than something i have to think about, then i'll believe in them, in me.

 

Until then, if i slack off, slow down, start to think that I've 'done it' before i actually have, I fear the very real risk of back sliding. And, as i told her, I don't want to go back. To be whom i used to be. Because he was miserable. I'm not (most of the time).

 

When will that time be? I have no idea. But like an alcoholic, or other form of addict, i have 40+ years of ingrained behavior to change. This isn't going to happen in a month, or two.

 

At this point I said we both have to get up for work tomorrow, so called it quits, and left. *

 

* I have to be very careful. I kissed her after dinner as we were both caught up in a 'high' of having had a great time together, but i deliberately kept my distance and left without kissing her on her block.

 

I felt i had to do the 2nd thing as I've been having feelings toward her, the kind of deeper feelings i haven't had in a long time, this week. I've even been fantasizing about her, at night, if you catch my drift. This hasn't happened in a very long time.

 

And this worries me. I can't let her back into my thoughts, in that way, yet. I think it will throw me off course, stop my progress. That I may convince myself that it's all OK now. But it's not.

 

So, i will for now, have to keep a distance. But i will continue to explain why. I think she'll understand. She may even be of the same mindset.

 

 

Gym induction tonight, so a bit of a distraction. And it means that i'll be able to work off some of this anxiety going forward.

 

Sunday is going to be a problem. It would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. I'm going to find something to do to keep my mind off it. Not mope around.

 

In other news, work is getting a lot better. Still not enough actual work to fill up my day and keep me distracted, so instead i use the down time to re-read NMMNG and MMSLP. I've also started His Needs, Her Needs. But i'm not connecting as much with that one. I can see the reasoning behind some of the principles (eg; 15 hours a week together, and ONLY doing joint recreational activities, none of your 'own'), but convinced that I need to make a modified version of those.

 

Edit: Also working on having (rather than just projecting) a positive attitude at the office. Definitely being noticed, from the feedback i've been given by co-workers, users and team lead. He reviews my previously issued PIP on a weekly basis with me, and so far it's been a complete 180 in attitude. PIP will expire and fizzle out next month.

 

Work will pick up, as we're about to undertake a company wide rollout of new PCs and Windows 7 (i'm in the IT dept), with the additional bonuses of overtime and travel around the country. But i've made it clear to them that i'll require advance notice of hours and travel as i have to make sure the dogs are OK. I can leave them with family when i'm out of town, and Wife has offered to 'babysit' them if i'm going to be late home. Which is a nice gesture.

 

Wasn't thrilled about having to do this (dog logistics), but money is tight right now. I'm just about hanging on financially, but a nest egg would be useful. As my only other fund raising option would be to sell the 'classic' car that I've had for over 12 years.

 

But i've made a choice that instead of 'having problems', i'm 'finding solutions'. And also learning to break the NG habit of being unable to accept help.

 

And i've finally started at the local gym.

[Day.One]

Sunday (would have been our 23rd anniversary)

 

Work phone went off at 7am as i'm the duty on call guy today. Then i sent her a text:

 

I know we're no longer together, but I just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking about you today

 

Then realised she'd emailed me the night before:

 

 

Hi, I just want to acknowledge our Anniversary. Although I don't think it is really a Happy Anniversary I do believe that it is positive in that we are taking a step back to look at ourselves to improve our own lives. I wish you all the best in your journey and am here as a friend if you ever need to talk.

 

With love. Wife

.

 

The "as a friend" triggered me a bit, but a couple of friends helped put me straight. So to change my thinking, i'm focusing on the fact that 'friends' is an big improvement on what we were before D-Day.

 

Replied back with the following:

 

 

Thank you for reaching out (you beat me to it! ). Last night was tough, the closer it got to today, the worse i felt. Ended up having to take a Nytol. But reading your email let me know that i'm not the only one thinking about today.

 

So I'm not going to ignore today or the feelings it will bring. Instead, I'm going to face it head on. I'm going to acknowledge it for the special day it was. I'm not going to mope around, or analyze what went wrong since that day, or make a list of regrets and what-ifs. I'm simply going to remember the love I felt that day and the joy i've felt while you were in my life.

 

And then, threw myself into the day. More house painting, bit of mindless TV, then off to the gym for my PT session.

 

Well..... made it through most of the day. Until about 4pm. Then it all came crashing down. Was talking to my Sister on the phone about their caravaning holiday and this n that. Then she asked how i was doing, and i replied with an "oh yeah, its all good" type answer.

 

Sister saw right through that, and told me to come over. Got to hers, she gave me a huge hug, and i lost it.

 

I don't think my Sister has ever seen me cry. At least not in a long time.

 

Eventually i got it together again. Hung out for a couple of hours. We (Sis, Bro in Law and I) didn't really talk about me. Just innocuous stuff, like caravanning, work, Mums birthday and the restaurant we had taken her to. At first i was like "hey, what about me!" And then i realised that's not really what i needed. Just being able to release (cry) with someone i trusted had been enough to help me move on from all that had build up over the last 24 hours.

 

Came home feeling a lot better and already with one foot back on the wagon. Chilled out last night, kinda avoided the forums, took a Nytol and went to bed early (10:30).

 

Into work on Monday morning at 7am. One positive i've noticed recently is how i am at the office. I'm on the helpdesk (2nd/3rd line) and one of the 'great ideas' the suits had was for us to floorwalk the building twice a day and make sure all the users are OK.

 

Before D-Day, i used to pi$$ and moan about having to deal with users (if you're in IT, you'll understand). But since D-Day something happened. I use the floorwalking as a way of creating interactions with people. To find ways to approach people i don't know, and to overcome my self-consciousness and make conversation. This has always been a problem for me. I'm finding it easier to do now. I even occasionally 'flirt' with the lady users. Not anything serious, no interest in that. It's just a way to stomp down on my shyness. Totally nailed it this morning. One of the ladies had had her hair done over the weekend, and i noticed it. Complemented her on how nice it looked. Her colleagues heard me saying it, they kinda made fun of it, but in a light hearted way. Bear in mind that that particular dept used to have less than flattering view of me (the old me), it felt good to have them look at me in a positive way.

[Day.One]

OK, last night: (warning, wall o' text! But a lot to cover.)

 

Met, as arranged, to go to the gym together. We kept the conversation light, small talk. I explained that i wouldn't be doing my full workout this evening as i had been last night, was going tomorrow night, and had been running today. I explained that going tonight, with her, was important to me.

 

Went with her usual routine, which is stationary bike, followed by Cross Trainer. I was happy to share it with her, to connect with what she does.

 

More small talk. Just two friends chatting away at the gym. 15 mins or so on the bikes. Though of course i jumped in, to set up her seat to the right height, etc. But she quickly asked me to back off. "You set your bike up, and i'll do mine". Boundaries, She set them, felt she was able to set them, have it respected, and appreciated my respecting them. (even though then she couldn't figure out how to raise the seat, so i had to do it anyway!)

 

Then onto the Cross Trainers. On the way to the Cross Trainers, she commented that i was really looking good. That the physical work i've been doing is paying off. I acknowledged that, and complemented her on her weight loss too.

 

More small talk while on the machines, but then we talked about us. I told her about all the other work i've been doing, and the realizations it had helped me achieve. The changes i'm implementing, the commitments i'm making*, the work that i've done.

 

*for instance, i told her that i had recognized that I had been using avoidance techniques while at my IC, so as NOT deal with the place the therapist was trying to get me to go. So before attending this weeks session, I made a commitment to myself NOT to use any avoidance. Not to run from where she was guiding me, but to allow myself to go there.

 

She replied that she can really see it, that she admires the work i'm doing. That she knows that i have a good heart and she is glad i'm revealing it.

 

I told her about something that had happened in therapy. A memory of when i was a child. We lived on a farm, and i used to tag along with my Dad when he walked from the house across the fields to the farm. But he used to stride ahead, faster than i could walk, and leave me behind. And although i didn't know it at that age, I felt abandoned.

 

And that is what i used to do with her, when we out walking, stride ahead, faster than she could walk, leaving her behind. Abandoned.

 

And seeing that memory of my childhood, being left behind, against her memory of me, leaving her behind, made me realize what i had done. To appreciate the pain i had caused her.

 

She talked about her session last night. That she had spoken to her counsellor of her sadness. Of feeling left behind, abandoned. No matter how she tried, she was never able to get close to me. Because i would always move away. Emotionally, physically.

 

To the point where she felt like she had nothing left. That she was nothing, invisible, worthless.

 

I told her that she wasn't to blame. That she had done nothing wrong, but try to love a man who could not accept love. Who was not able to be open. That it was me. That i had rejected her. Not because of who she was, but because of who i was.

 

I choked up. Right there, in the gym, on the cross trainer. (fortunately they were facing the far wall)

 

She told me "Hey, its ok. There's no need to cry"

 

I replied, "No, it's not. And yes there is. I've realised that if i have feeling, emotions, I have to let them out. If i choke them back, suppress them, They get buried. And that's what i've done all my life, suppress my feelings. But they don't stay buried, they just turn toxic, eating me up, causing anger from the frustration of being bottled up. And my anger leads to me hurting those around me, those who want to love me. And that's what i've done to you. I've hurt you for simply trying to love me, for trying to get close to me. I've made you feel the way you do. And that hurts me. This, what you are seeing, is my pain, being released. And it has to be released if i'm to move forward".

 

Cross training done. Time to 'cool down', literally and emotionally.

 

She hasn't yet had a PT set her up with a plan, so she invited me to show her the machines i use in my workout. And we took turns on them, just letting her see how they work. She complimented me again how i'm changing physically. I told her that even my belly is changing. No 'abs' yet, but a hint of definition. Gave her a quick flash under my shirt so she could see, she laughed at that.

 

I'd taken a water bottle, she hadn't, so we'd been sharing mine. At one point she asked me if she could have a drink. I told her she didn't have to ask. She replied back that she felt she wanted to. I struggled a bit with it, but realised she was setting a boundary. To acknowledge and respect each other's property (even if it was just a water bottle), as we would each others space. I accepted that.

 

While i used the machines, she offered to hold the water bottle and towel. Not a big deal to most. But for me, in the past, accepting even the smallest help was an issue. I probably would have refused her offer. I consciously over-rode that thinking and accepted the gesture, and expressed thanks.

 

Workout done, so we headed back home. Chit chatting along the way. Not forced, natural. Friends.

 

She talked more about her counselling, but made a flippant comment, just kinda blowing off her recalling of the session ("Blah blah blah". Exactly what i had been doing with Sara!). I asked her why she had done that. She said it was because she felt her feelings, and what happened in therapy were of no interest to others. I stopped her (talking and walking), looked her in the face, and said "Listen. What you have to say IS important. You have feelings, they are important. You're not invisible. Don't feel like I'm not interested. Not any more".

 

Stopped off at the store as i needed some stuff. In the store, i mentioned that i still had the Restaurant gift card from last xmas. She said that was my gift. I told her i wanted to share it with her. She agreed.

 

After that, on the way home I expressed my concern with her being out alone at night. After the drunk guy incident, the recent assault on a woman on a nearby street and the reputation of a nearby footpath, I was concerned for her safety. She said she would be careful, and only walk alone when needed, and to carry her phone with her. I appreciated her own ability to take care of herself, that my issue came from the fear that I was no longer there to protect her.

 

Then she asked me about the inconsistency in our closeness in previous meetings. "Sometimes you hug and kiss me and sometimes you don't. It's confusing". I replied that i'm having a hard time trying to get it 'right'. That i am afraid of getting too close, too 'intimate', and I pull away.

 

She asked that we hug more often, but not always have to kiss, or expect to kiss, every time. She said she wanted to hold off on that level of intimacy, to save it until we started to date (wait... wut!?!?!). I told her i respected her boundary and would accept it. Of course i then ruined it by kissing her (I'M TRYING!), but then said "now it's your turn" and we hugged, hard, for a long time.

[Day.One]

From yesterday:

 

A good morning.

 

OK, a great morning! Back to the gym. For a 2.5 hour workout! It would appear that we distract each other. To the point where we forget how long we've been cycling, cross training and rowing for. To busy talking, not enough watching the timers (It's not a bad thing. ). Did all the other exercises on 'my' routine, together as well.

 

I told her i feel that i'm too often talking about me, and would like to hear more about her. But she said that she likes it that i'm talking about me, that it's something she's enjoying, because it's never happened before. At least, not as much as this.

 

She did suggest that i write about my feelings more in the 'minutes', not just the facts.

 

Left the gym. Walked back via the High Street ("Main Street" to some of you), and she commented on how empty of shoppers it was for 11:30. So i suggested we find out if the coffee shop was also empty.. (spontaneity, 'taking charge')

 

Took her hand on the way up to the coffee shop, asked if she was comfortable with that, she said she'd missed it. That she misses me.

 

Coffee was good. More talking, more progress. She mentioned that her hope was that, eventually, youngest son and his fiance will take over the apt. Which, of course means that she has a desire on moving back to our house, and was expressing that idea to me. Perhaps before the 12 months is up.

 

She wants the Sunday morning workout to become a regular thing. In part as it gets her up and moving on the days when she doesn't WANT to get up and move. And she floated a couple of other 'opportunities' for us to spent time together.

 

Basically, she likes the guy that she's seeing, spending time with, misses him, and wants to find time to do it more often.

 

Walked back to her street. I advanced from holding her hand, to my arm around her waist, and pulling her in close. She put her arm around me and responded in kind.

 

Got to her street and I said I may have a solution to her problem moving the closets. Perhaps she organize a 'Ikea and pizza' day. Get some of her friends over and help her carry up and rebuild the closets, I'll just drive them over and park outside.

 

She told me that the transportation issue was on her. Not being able to drive, because she'd never gotten her UK license, was her responsibility and she had to work around that failure. And that she didn't want to have to feel that she was always asking me for help, or expecting me to be there to help.

 

I countered that I don't mind doing this, but if it was going to make her feel like she was relying on me, that once it was done (transporting the closets), we take a break, time out, for a month.

 

She told me that she didn't want to, couldn't, be apart from me for a month. (actually, it was along the lines of "HE11, NO!")

 

So i gave a her a good long hug, but she pulled me in for a longer kiss.

 

DO "I thought you said no kissing?"

 

waw: "yeah, well, I guess we can forget about that!"

 

 

 

Out again that evening. Spontaneous trip into London to see the Tower Poppies.

 

Her idea, but she wasn't sure when we should go. So i said "screw it! Lets go now!"(7:45pm) And we did. Great evening, just hanging out, seeing the memorial and the Tower. I kept the crowds away from her (she doesn't like crowds), and kept her on the non traffic side of the sidewalk at all times. She wanted to hold my hand all evening, we cuddled up on the train back and she slept with her head on my shoulder.

 

Highlight was our oldest boy seeing us walking home, arm in arm.

 

Updated my FB status to "it's complicated" (as there isn't a "separated... but smooching" option. and yes, there was smooching), she commented "Agreed".

 

 

 

 

Couple of other thing's from yesterday.

 

I mentioned to her that last night i couldn't get to sleep because. as usual, when i lie down my brain spools up. Last night i got it into my head that she was going to tell me today that she was seeing someone else. (and you thought it was just Women that were irrational!)

 

Scenario's bounced around in my head for over an hour.

 

Until i decided it to turn it around. Instead of imagining her telling me she was cheating, I imagined far better scenarios.

 

Like us getting rain soaked on the way back from the gym, and coming here to take hot showers and dry off. And by dry off, i mean me toweling her dry....

 

Or asking her to show me her new yoga move's. 'Downward dog' and 'cat and cow' are my personal faves, along with 'happy baby'. Though of course, it's much easier to check her posture if she's nekkid...

 

Anywho... it worked. I purged the negative, loaded up the positive, and got to sleep.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

And she managed to smack herself in the head with one of the gym machines. So i showed her how to use it properly, stood close (touching) behind her to spot her, and then tenderly kissed the 'booboo' on her head.

[Day.One]

Hmmmm, was going to post updates. But as it appears i'm 'talking to myself', i'll pass.

[LifesontheUp]

Hello dayone. Don't stop posting, I think you're doing really well and I'm enjoying your updates and how you are getting along.

[LifeNomad]

hi day one keep posting man im sure it helsp you feel better and others also. I was reading thru ur posts. i hope things turn out good for u and her, i mean if thast what u want

[ComingInHot]

But you are doing SO GOOD Day.One. Maybe the reason people don't respond is well, like me, I wouldn't know what to say besides it sounds like you're doing well. I am following and know that even in my silence I am cheering for you!

CiH*

[Day.One]

Hello dayone. Don't stop posting, I think you're doing really well and I'm enjoying your updates and how you are getting along.

 

Thanks.

 

That being the case... Get comfy:

Monday 10th Nov:

We're going to have a chat about boundaries. She showed up, unannounced, this morning at my back door to talk about an ongoing family drama back in the US.

 

Asked her in and heard her out, gave advice.

 

It felt great that she was able to come to me, and know that i'd be there for her.... But, i'm going to have to remind her that we had agreed to respect each others space, and to ask before entering it. She blew right through it this morning. And that's not cool.

 

Later, same day:

 

Picked her up from her office after work. Resolved the 'last night' making out thing. It had freaked us both out. To be this close, this connected, this soon, terrifies both of us. I told her that when she had said it was too much and we shouldn't do that again, I was concerned she would be seeing what happened as a negative, and i didn't feel it was. That i chosen to accept last night and it's events, as a wonderful night, and enjoy it for what is was.

 

I asked her about this morning, and why she had just appeared. She wasn't sure what i meant. As it turned out, she'd forgotten the house boundary ("It didn't even cross my mind"). She'd missed the bus and wanted to come over and talk before the next one.

 

She showed contrition, accepted she had messed up, that it had been selfish of her, and she would do better. To call first next time.

 

We met, discussed what needed to be discussed, resolved without fighting, and with respect and understanding.

 

Soooo, all good, right?

 

HA! NotSoMuch.

 

She just HAD to give me a Steve Jobs as she got out of the car. "Just one more thing" To reiterate that the lease on her apt was 12 months (10.5 left) and that gave us plenty of time to make sure we were both moved on. So no early release for good behaviour. No moving back until next September. She's choosing to serve the whole term.

 

While i know and accept that we are still in early days, and there's a long road to go, it was a kick in the guts after everything that's happened. I told her that it really hurt me that she had to finish the evening on that note. That she needed to go home, now. And so would I.

 

Email exchange later that evening:

 

D1

 

It didn't end well tonight.

 

And that was on me. I wasn't angry when I left, I was in pain. I let two things this evening get to me, and right now, I'm wide open. No shields. So when i get hurt, I feel it. I allow it. I need to feel what i feel, not to deny it or make me angry.

 

It wasn't your intention to hurt me, I know that. The hurt came from within me. But i embrace it. I allow it. It's going to help me understand myself better, and to be a better person. The more i allow the pain to escape me, the stronger i become.

 

And you're helping me. You're helping me feel the emotion, to learn to understand it, to control it, instead of it controlling me. You've always been trying to help me, to make me stronger, to make me better. I just wasted too much time failing to see that. As i told you in the car, you are a good person.

 

I will be the man i should be. The man you have always seen in me.

 

And you will be the strong, courageous, beautiful woman I see in you.

 

Your friend.

 

D1.

 

WAW

Hi, I applaud you allowing yourself to feel hurt and I understood that tonight. I am sorry that I brought up the year thing but I guess I am worried that we are moving to fast and I do not want anything to get in the way of us moving forward. When you allow yourself to feel, you allow me and hopefully others to do same. I know that it is a very hard time but in a way that is the beauty of it and hopefully out of the pain will come understanding, happiness and love.

 

You said two things hurt you tonight. What was the second. I don't want to hurt you although I know that sometimes I do without realising it. Sometimes that will be the result just because we are different but I do not want to hurt you on purpose. If I want to be vindictive I will more likely tell you rather than act on it.

 

Thank you for your honesty and for talking to me. This is the only way for us to continue forward and no matter how difficult I believe that out in the open it can be dealt with but bottled up just ends up hurting everyone.

 

On another note, I just want to say thank you for listening to me this morning and helping me make the decision not to respond to *family drama* e-mail. That was really helpful and I think that it made my day easier otherwise I might have lost focus and thought about the email all day.

 

Talk to you soon. *waw*

 

D1

Because i worked through it (the lease thing, D1), allowed it to affect me, I was able to move beyond it. To see it for what it is. That's me now. Which is why i was able to email you last night.

 

And i know that you're going to be gone for the whole year. But I made a mistake. When you said that your hope was that *youngest son* and *fiance* would take over the apt, I misread it as you showing an interest in moving in with me. I was wrong to make that supposition. It gave me a hope that I shouldn't have had. And in doing so it knocked me off track. I'm back on it now.

 

The "year thing" hurt, but was made worse because of the other thing. I felt really hurt that you had no problem forgetting to respect my request for a safe personal space. "It never even crossed my mind". Ouch!.

 

But were so vehement about protecting your safe personal space "Don't even enter my street, you'll see where I live" Pull over there, way outside of my space. This is MY boundary, and it extends 100+ yards outside of my space.

 

Yes. I know i said i don't want to know where you live, but equally you've been VERY clear that you don't want me IN your space. Your behavior last night was a real slap in the face.

 

For two reasons:

1) Imbalance in our relationship. That my space doesn't matter, to the point where "it doesn't even cross your mind", but your's is vitally important. To the point of adding an extra safety zone.

 

2) You don't trust me. "I might see where you live" Really? If i stood there and watched you walk to your door, maybe. You made me feel like i'm that kind of person. Whether intentionally or not. Whether it comes from your fears, or a real concern about danger from me. And that really hurts.

I could say; how long have you known me? How long do you think it would take me to find you if i chose? I found Joan in my lunchbreak!

But you didn't even give me that credit. And I think that's where last night came from. To know that you don't trust me, despite what you say. That you don't have faith in me.

 

And yes, there's some anger in the words above. Because that's how i feel.

 

 

However, I'm glad i was able to help you with *family drama*. That feels good. That you were able to feel that you could ask for my help.

 

D1."

 

WAW

Hi, I get what you are saying and I am really sorry.

 

1) I am really sorry that I did not respect your space it was very wrong of me to just walk to the house without contacting you and getting permission and the fact that it did not occur to me was disrespectful. I need need to be more considerate and realise that it is not just about me but this is about both of us as individuals and partners. I am truly sorry.

 

2) I do trust you. In my mind I was trying to respect you and your wishes. You offered me a ride home not a ride to a car park - I should have accepted that and not try to protect anyone. I was also unconsciously trying to protect myself which I cannot fully explain as I am trying to understand it myself. It never entered my mind that I should be afraid of you in any way. I know you could find my address if you wanted to. You are one of the most resourceful people I know.

 

As for having faith in you and believing in you - over the past six weeks you have truly amazed me with the work and commitment you have put into working on yourself and how open and honest you have been. If anything it scares me that you will no longer want me and will move on.

 

I am sorry that I have hurt you. I don't want to do that. I hope that we can grow together through this process and find a true and lasting friendship and learn to nurture each other instead of hurting each other.

 

waw"

 

D1

Thank you for responding. But more importantly, thank you for feeling that you are able to respond. To me. It means a lot. It validates everything i have done, and everything i'm continuing to do.

 

I have seen the change in you. That you're able to open up to me, and trust that I will be able to listen and understand you. And this scares me. I'm afraid I will let you down. As i've done so many times before. But this will change. IS changing. I'm making myself stronger. Strong enough to be unaffected by the actions of those around me. But instead to understand, think things through, and not come from a place of just reacting. Or worse, anger.

 

Strong enough for you to be able to feel that no matter what, I will be there for you. That you can trust yourself to me and know that I will be steadfast, resolute and able to keep you safe from the strongest storm.

 

But there will be times that I won't know that you're hurting. And there will be times that I will, but won't understand why. So please help me understand, and the truth will not make me love you any less. Nothing you do will change how I feel about you. I want you to feel that you can always come to me.

 

We're going to encounter 'blips' like this. The important thing is that we see them, acknowledge them, and most importantly work through them.

 

So, lets close this chapter, and move on to better things. "

 

D1

Hi, waw.

 

Couple of things from your email I wanted to explore:

 

"I was also unconsciously trying to protect myself which I cannot fully explain as I am trying to understand it myself."

 

Have you been able to look at this any further? I'm certainly not expecting you to NOT still make efforts "to protect yourself", given so many years of you feeling that you needed to. But if i'm able to understand what you fear, and help you overcome it, it would help us to move forward.

 

"It never entered my mind that I should be afraid of you in any way".

 

While I don't doubt what you say, I do wonder why you wouldn't be afraid of me. Of being afraid that i may do something to hurt you. It's happened so often with depressing regularity. I wonder if there's not still a fear on your mind. Frankly, i'd be surprised if there wasn't.

 

"If anything it scares me that you will no longer want me and will move on".

 

I don't feel that I've given any indication that i will move on. I can say that in fact I feel quite the opposite. In the last couple of weeks I've only felt closer TO you, not further away. Can you tell me why you are scared of this happening? What would it mean to you if I were to move on (hypothetically)? What do you feel you would be losing? Or gaining?

 

Thanks.

 

D1

 

WAW

Hi D1,

 

In response to your questions:

 

1. I have protected my feelings most of my life. Over the last few years things got to a point between us where I felt I had to protect my feelings from you because of how you were treating me - you would tell me my feelings were "wrong" or you used them against me. That is why I ended up in bed most of the time - I just wanted to curl up, hide and protect myself.

 

2. I am afraid of you in some ways. I guess that I was trying to smooth things over. However, I am not afraid that you would come to my space and hurt me. Right now I don't think you want to hurt me anymore but I am afraid that it will not last that is why I need the time to make sure that the changes in us both are sustainable. Anyone can do anything for a short time but to keep it up is more difficult and takes real change to act differently.

 

3. You are working really hard to deal with your past to become a better person. Who is to say that at the end of the process you will still want to be with me. I am not very confident in myself and I don't feel likeable a lot of the time. I was brought up believing that I was nothing and that no one loved me so why would I think that someone would love me now.

 

I just got off the phone with *waw's Sister* and it was interesting to hear her say things that I am feeling right now - almost the exact words that are in my head. We were treated badly growing up and I guess I have not gotten over them. I have survived and I can function but inside there is a scared person who feels unworthy. Can I say that I am nervous telling you this because I do not want it used against me but you wanted to understand better where I am coming from.

 

I hope this helps you understand where I am coming from a bit more

 

waw.

[Day.One]

Friday 15th Nov

 

Little bit bruised and battered this morning as a result of a severe self administered 2x4ing last night.

 

Dinner at my Mums as my Brother and his family are in town for the weekend. My Sister and her family were there too. I went with waw and oldest son.

 

All of us (11) round the table, being one big family, tinted my glasses to a distinct shade of rose. And threw off my focus.

 

waw wanted to go and get some alone time with Sis in law, so they went a couple doors down to a local pub.

(side note: A 'pub' in the UK is not a bar, per se. IE not a PU joint. 'pub' if you didn't know it is short for 'public house', a place for people to meet and just hang out, similar to the role coffee shops fill now. And has been since way before you all started b*tching about taxes and tea! Not particularly relevant, just setting the scene)

 

It was a good idea as Sis in Law is one of waw's few 'safe friends' that she can open up to. "we'll only be an hour" (which would be the first time EVER that they've only chatted for an hour... so pinch of salt taken ).

 

Kinda screwed up. Neither of them had any paper ££ with them, so waw said, "no problem i'll use my CC". I began to ask her why she uses her CC so much instead of cash or a debit card. I'm worried she's struggling financially, but i stopped quickly. I gave her the few bills i had in my wallet, as did my Bro to his Wife. I instantly realised i'd crossed a line, but kept quiet.

 

While they were gone, I had probably the best, most open talk i've had with my Bro in Y.E.A.R.S. About what's going on with me, with him, with waw, his and my running, gym (he wants to start going to one), and our family history growing up and what we went through. One thing that talking to him helped me see was that i'd fallen off track in regards my mission. Me first. And waw as a bonus.

 

Felt really connected to him. So much so, we were surprised how much time had elapsed. 2 hours. Still no sign of the Ladies (duh). However waw had texted me to let me know they were still out and that she acknowledged and appreciated that I was her ride home. They rolled back in about 1/2 hour later. Like me and Bro, they'd had a great talk, it appeared. waw gave the money back as did Sis in Law.

 

On the way home, waw asked me what i had not wanted to talk about earlier (her use of CC), but i told her it was nothing, that i had been about to ask her about something that was nothing to do with me.

 

I dropped waw and oldest off, and she kissed me, but noticed that i'd pulled back, made a distance, emotionally. (because i'd recognised and adjusted for, my rose tinted mistakes and crossing lines earlier). I kept the goodbye short, even though i could tell she wasn't willing to leave yet. It created an 'atmosphere', and she left the car feeling, I think, a bit confused. As was I.

 

 

 

 

Update on the above: We've talked it out, discussed what happened, how we felt about what happened, resolved it successfully, and moved on (upwards).

 

I explained that due to the events of the evening, I felt a need to pull back because I felt I was losing focus, on me. But that I wasn't pulling away from her. I was pulling back towards me. She got that. And was reassured. Because she understands how important it is for me. I'm back on track, and she's happy to come along for the ride.

 

Which is, happily, becoming our 'thing'. We have reached a point where we CAN talk to each other. Openly, transparently. Leaving nothing out. There's none of the 'escalation' we used to experience. Just honest conversation. The trust we are building because of this is, frankly, stunning.

 

She's still scared that i'm going to move on from her. When I asked her to help me understand why she felt that way, it's because she feels internally that she has no value. That she feels worthless. That no-one would want her. So she tries to be self sufficient, but only because she doesn't want to give herself over completely to someone and be taken care of, for fear of being abandoned (sound familiar to anyone?...)

 

So I flipped it around. That she may decide that I have turned into a man she doesn't want to be with. That there may come a time when SHE feels she wants to move on. Which gave her pause for thought. She hadn't given that as much consideration, but had focused on me leaving her instead.

 

She liked that I had stepped up and given her money, it had made her feel 'taken care of'. But gave it back because she, as it turned out, had some notes with her anyway. She mentioned using her CC, because she gets words mixed up sometimes. She does call a text an 'email' all the time, and vice versa, so I can see how it would happen.

 

And she helped me step back and take another look at the Mum incident, walking me to a different perspective. A calmer perspective. So that's resolved, for me.

 

And, she can't resist me. She IS drawn to me. She made a point of wanting to hold my hand, to walk arm in arm, as much as possible (we were walking around main street, shopping). Wanting me to guide her, lead her, protect her from the crowds.

 

And want some good prolonged smooching when it was time to say goodbye.

[Day.One]

Sunday 16th Nov

 

Went with waw to see Interstellar. waw wanted to be with me, to touch me, the entire evening. And it felt good. Because I knew that she had come to me, of her own accord.

 

I told her that I've chosen to find the positive in our separation. That it gives us the chance to start over. To date (which we didn't get to do the first time around), to work on our selves, and also to re-learn each other and start our relationship anew.

 

One other thing about this evening that she asked for. That she wants to be able to tell me what she is feeling, no matter what it is. But without me taking it apart, analysing it or trying to fix 'it'.

 

I agreed to that. But asked that sometimes i will need her to explain it to me, that sometimes i'll need her to help me understand, as I won't always be able to.

[Day.One]

Monday 17th Nov

 

Short email exchange this morning:

 

waw (at work): Just to let you know I've left my phone at home. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you if you tried to contact me.

 

D1: Thanks for letting me know about your phone. My intention was to step back and let us have some breathing room anyway.

I’m working towards being strong enough to be able to NOT read into things, but to accept that whatever is happening is happening. And to not let it affect me. If I need clarification over a concern, I’ll ask for it. But thank you for letting me know.

[Day.One]

Tuesday 18th Nov:

 

Bumped into waw (unplanned) at the gym. She knows Tuesday night is gym night for me, and counselling night for her. She claimed that she just needed to get a post therapy workout in... (when she knew I'd be there.)

 

She worked on her thing, I worked on mine. Walked her home. She confessed to totally checking me out most of the time we were there...

 

MAP FTW!

[Day.One]

Wednesday 19th Nov:

 

Possible success at work today. There's a project i'm supposed to be involved with. Rolling new PC's & laptops, with windows 7, company wide (100's of units). Lots of much needed overtime.

 

But the project is being continually stalled, due mainly to the inability of those higher up to get their sh*t together. It's gotten to the point where my team lead and I refer to it as 'Operation Fustercluck'.

 

So the latest update is that it's being pushed back to mid December, which in reality means next January, at best. Frustrating as I was hoping to get some extra xmas ££.

 

Instead of getting p*ssed about it, i've looked for and possibly found another option. I used to get a decent extra padding in my paycheck doing 'side work' (WSUS updates, etc) for the Wintel dept (that's servers and stuff to the non geeks). But that dried up a while back. But talked to my team lead and he mentioned that the new Wintel manager is a guy that used to run the service centre (my dept). He knows me, I know him, we get on OK. So team lead is going to go to bat for me and talk to the Wintel manager. Get me back on the WSUS overtime list.

 

Team lead is a stand up guy. Ex-Army, doesn't put with my sh*t, definitely an 'integrated male' and on my 'safe person' list. He knows about what's happening with me and is cutting me slack to be able to deal with it.

 

 

Edit: Took charge and talked to the Wintel manager myself. Positive feedback, and he'll look into getting me involved.

[No Limit]

Question. Are you trying to get back with her still, or do you want to move on? Because the latter gets kind of blocked by your ex making feeble attempts at acting spontaneously.

[Day.One]

Question. Are you trying to get back with her still, or do you want to move on?

 

I'm working hard on myself. Working on confronting and resolving the demons of my past. Abandonment, abuse, humiliation, rejection. Changing what I have wasted much too much on my life by not dealing with my past. Improving myself and moving forward.

 

NNMNG, MMSLP, WOTSM, etc are great books for this. Also listening to 'Homecoming' on audio book.

 

I've come a long way in two months. And I'm coming out of that as a stronger, more resilient, independent person. Not relying on her to find my strength.

 

The attraction she is showing for me now is a useful (and very pleasant) byproduct of what i'm doing for me. It's not my ultimate goal. Still focussed on me. But if it means that down the road somewhere we end up together, It's a win/win.

[No Limit]

I'm working hard on myself. Working on confronting and resolving the demons of my past.

 

Good man.

 

The attraction she is showing for me now is a useful (and very pleasant) byproduct of what i'm doing for me. It's not my ultimate goal. Still focussed on me. But if it means that down the road somewhere we end up together, It's a win/win.

 

Hmm, just my opinion, but I think you should still try to get closer to indifference regarding her for a while. Don't walk her home etc. No special treatments.

[Day.One]

Hmm, just my opinion, but I think you should still try to get closer to indifference regarding her for a while. Don't walk her home etc. No special treatments.

 

While I hear and respect what you're saying, there are some things that just have to be done. Walking her home, in the dark, instead of alone is one of them. Right across from her street is an that area that is the most notorious as having the highest number of assaults and rapes in our town.

 

If you're a female, as your profile says, you of all people would understand that allowing a woman, even waw, to walk alone, in the dark, past a rapist's lair is not acceptable. I'd be failing as a Husband, and a man, if I did that.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I was walking to my counsellors office when I chanced across waw. Her bus stop is near my house as she only lives a block away. As I walked up to her she was being harassed by some 'drunk off his a$$' guy asking for directions to the liquor store. So i walked her home and away from the drunk.

 

Or is that considered 'special treatment'?

 

And finally, as i mentioned, her apt is a block from mine. 9/10 times we are going the same way. WTF would i tell her that she can't go the same way as me?

 

 

I realise that you're not aware of all the facts regarding our particular situation, so the above may seem unduly harsh. But end of the day, waw or not, she's still my waw.

 

I'm not 'indifferent', but I am separated. Two months ago, I was a d*ck with no idea how I was going to proceed. Of how to move on. And she hated that guy.

 

As i've changed, for the better, she's seen it and responded to it. Acting like a d*ck, indifferent and cold, was what I was, not what I am now. Being what I was would 1) be untrue to who I am, which would damage me 2) damage our new relationship.

[Day.One]

In other news:

 

Workout routine is getting easier. Still working on the PT's recommended course, but added the rowing machine as well as longer times on the bike. Routine now takes about 1 1/2 half hours.

 

Warm up. Stationary Bike: 15 minutes

Cross trainer 15 minutes

Shoulder Press (I do this first as it's a killer for me) 40lbs

Chest press 50lbs

Seated Row 50lbs

Leg Press 100lbs

Arm Curl 50lbs

Tricep Extension 90lbs

Abdominal Crunch 90lbs

Rowing Machine 10 Minutes

Cool down. Stationary bike 5 mins.

 

Not going for big weights on the machines, but rather lots of reps (3 x 15 with intervals). And add a little more weight each week. Certainly seems to be working.

 

And alternate days are running, or the office stairs (3 stories) during the lunchbreak. A couple of miles for now. Gets me out off the office and clears my head. Still struggling with lung capacity, which is holding me back, but that's on me for 30+ years of smoking. On the bright side, if you'd told me last year i could 2 miles (or 200 yards), i'd have LMAO. So i'm focusing on that.

 

And of course i'm still walking the doggies. A couple of miles every other day. They need it, i need it. Gets us all out of the house before the walls close in.

[Day.One]

waw was here for dinner because one of our dogs is very ill. I picked dog up from the vets this evening, and waw was in the waiting room when I got there. She'd blown off her plans for the evening to be there for me. She supported me at the vets and came home with me, ordered and picked up dinner (chinese), and is taking the day off to get the dog to the specialist tomorrow (with Mum as the driver) as I can't get the time off. She really stepped up to the plate. And I made a big fuss of her for doing it.

[LifeNomad]

that's awesome man exercising is the best thing you can do!

[Day.One]

Taking time off from the thread. One of my 'girls' (Dog, Collie X) has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour and i've been dealing with that. Her time left is measured in weeks, if we're lucky, so my focus is now mainly on enjoying the time I have left with her.

 

waw has been there for me. Every step of the way as my support, my 'rock'. I couldn't have wished for a better friend at this time.

[Day.One]

Just a quick update: Bella is here, happy, but slowly going downhill. Still loves her walks, and her food, but getting unsteady on her feet and sleeping a lot.

 

Rough time for me, but waw has been a real help. Always checking in on Bella and wanting to go out on our walks. I have long hours next week due a project starting and waw has offered to come and dog sit while i'm away.

 

I'm getting back into the gym after some time off. Surprisingly stiff after the break, and fighting exhaustion after all that's been going on, but falling back into the routine. Just have to pick up the running again too.

 

As I mentioned, I put myself up for the project and was accepted. So will be doing 12+ hour days in London. Wasn't sure how it would work since the dog got sick, but she stepped up and helped me make it happen. I do need the overtime £££.

 

Back in counselling after counsellors time off, and that's helping me. Counsellor has commented on how far i've come since we began, and asked if i wish to continue. I've said yes, at least until xmas and then we'll see.

 

waw and i continue to improve. Have had a couple of rough moments, but we've managed to work through them which is a vast improvement on our ability to interact before.

 

waw texted me early this morning asking how I'm doing, and how the dogs are doing (it's become a daily 'thing' for her)

 

I asked her to be outside her apt in 5 mins.

 

She's interviewing, for her own job, today (restructuring at work) and is nervous. I'd talked her through it last night and given her advice on how to reduce the fear and increase her confidence by being herself, but still meeting the requirements of the interview. The help was well received and allayed her fears.

 

So this morning I dropped by the apt, met her outside, gave her a long hug. Then held her face in my hands, looked into her eyes and told her she'll be fine and I have faith in her.

 

It was pure coincidence that I was dressed to kill when I rolled up. Interdept video conference this morning, ties mandatory. So best shirt, best pants, clean shoes.

 

I looked goood, and she liked it. A lot.

 

ZZ Top was right.

 

I also instructed her to call me right after the interview finished and let me know how it went. That I would pick up and answer her, no matter what I was doing.

She did, right in the middle of the video conference. So i left it and talked to her instead. #priorities

[LifesontheUp]

Sorry to hear about your dog Day.One but glad to see your wife stepping up to the plate.

 

Your counsellor is right, you have come a long way, you can see that in your posts.

 

Keep up the good work