Going after someone with a boyfriend/girlfriend. What's everyones take?

[Mr. Handsome]

Well there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but you don't know what will happen in your life. Who you will meet, the kind of chemistry you see. Everyone is different to some degree and plenty of people are compatible with you but these decision dramatically impact what will happen in your future. As selfish as it may seem, if I find a girl who I am really into and she's not engaged to some guy, I'm going to consider going for it.

 

After being left by one of my exes for another guy, I realized while it may have been crappy for the guy to do what he did, it's also my fault for allowing it to happen and letting my own insecurities get the better of me. I feel more confident in my abilities since then and in recent relationships to not worry about other men.

 

And if I can't pursuade a taken girl to fall for me, then props to that gentlemen for knowing how to keep a lady.

Edited September 16, 2014 by Mr. Handsome

[Raena]

Reading this entire thread just convinces me all the more that I don't want to try dating again anytime soon. There are far too many people who don't see anything wrong with inserting themselves into someone else's relationship and causing it to end. It sickens me. It's probably because I was lied to and cheated on that I feel this way but there is no way on this planet that I would EVER try to end someone else's relationship for my own gain. If he isn't single, I don't want to bother wasting my time.

 

Oh and just because they aren't married doesn't mean there isn't a commitment there. I'd be very wary of getting involved with someone who feels like it's ok to cheat or end a relationship because they think they've found something better. It's bound to repeat itself again and I can't handle that kind of hurt again.

[Gaeta]

If you and them aren't married and only dating then it's all fair play. That is what dating is about. You make boyfriend/girlfriend, you break up and make new boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

If your gf/bf is into you she/he won't put up with any kind of flirting from the outside. If they are dating you and they flirt on the side then they're were not serious about you to start with.

[Gaeta]

Reading this entire thread just convinces me all the more that I don't want to try dating again anytime soon. There are far too many people who don't see anything wrong with inserting themselves into someone else's relationship and causing it to end. It sickens me. It's probably because I was lied to and cheated on that I feel this way but there is no way on this planet that I would EVER try to end someone else's relationship for my own gain. If he isn't single, I don't want to bother wasting my time.

 

Oh and just because they aren't married doesn't mean there isn't a commitment there. I'd be very wary of getting involved with someone who feels like it's ok to cheat or end a relationship because they think they've found something better. It's bound to repeat itself again and I can't handle that kind of hurt again.

 

No one can end someone elses relationship. Your boyfriend cheated because HE wanted to. No one put a gun to his head. If I am in a relationship and a man flirts with me I won't let him. I will tell him his behavior is inappropriate and I am not interested. End of the story. Your boyfriend failed you and it's 100% his fault. Not hers.

[Mr. Handsome]

If you and them aren't married and only dating then it's all fair play. That is what dating is about. You make boyfriend/girlfriend, you break up and make new boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

If your gf/bf is into you she/he won't put up with any kind of flirting from the outside. If they are dating you and they flirt on the side then they're were not serious about you to start with.

 

Exactly. Dating is a part of life. Most people break up, and then maybe one day you find someone worth staying with. It's up to then to keep what they have or leave it for someone else and you can't put all the blame on the person you were left for.

[isisisweeping]

I wouldn't try to steal someone in a relationship, entertain flirtation while I was in a relationship, or date someone who could be stolen from a relationship or who would entertain flirtations while committed.

 

 

Paper doesn't change anything. How someone behaves is how they behave, ring or no ring.

[Mr. Handsome]

I have to disagree with you there. Marriage is a huge step and a big turning point in your relationship and it changes how you act. It's a lot easier to find a new boyfriend/girlfriend than husband or wife

[isisisweeping]

I have to disagree with you there. Marriage is a huge step and a big turning point in your relationship and it changes how you act. It's a lot easier to find a new boyfriend/girlfriend than husband or wife

 

I've been married.

Paper or no, who you are and your attitude to commitment is the same. You can have commitment witout ever marrying.

 

 

You should practice commitment whenever in an exclusive relationship.

[BlueIris]

It's just tacky to do. Don't mess with her peace and happiness.

 

It's too bad that your ex left you for another guy. But this isn't about "not worrying about other men." That's just boys fighting over a toy. It's about being respectful of someone you claim to like and admire.

 

So who IS it about? You versus him? or her?

[StanMusial]

Besides, I don't really understand the logic of going after a taken girl, when there are many many single girls around who are just as good or better.

 

Access. Face time.

 

I know guys that were always sneaking around my past gf's or another buddy's gf. Because they were bald/short/squirrelly and they had an "in" with the crew.

 

Also, when I was single and on the prowl, I knew guys that would NEVER approach a girl on their own that would spring into action as soon as I started chatting up a girl.

 

You never know what extraordinary circumstances might throw two people together. However, IME, it's just been lack of options. Maybe catch her on a bad day, you never know.

[SomeDude16]

There needs to be a distinction between "hitting on" and "going after". To hit on a girl with a boyfriend is perfectly fine. If she likes what she sees after you hit on her and wants to "upgrade" her life by leaving a current relationship to be with you, there is nothing wrong. Women and men are always looking for the next best thing, why settle for a lower standard? If the next best thing is you, too bad for the other person.

 

Now to do some manipulative bs with a girl in a relationship is not ok. You must be direct about tour intentions. To slowly insert yourself into her life and break them apart is not ok. Be direct about it, let her make the decision and respect it.

[ascendotum]

By all means flirt.

......

But never forget that if she's a cheater on him, she may never hesitate to be a cheater on you....

 

I agree with your post. While it is not the OP's style, I have known of a few people (scumbags) and read about a few antics in the pua community where stealing another guy's gf (or bf for gays) is for kicks. They are not out to get a new relationship of any significance so the ethics of the person they try to have sex with is of no great significance and actually in a few cases it ironically was of significance and was given as the reason for getting serious with the cheating monkey brancher. Yeh I know, a bit of hypocrisy but since they are the single one they see themselves as doing no wrong in testing others relationships.

[Mr. Handsome]

I agree with your post. While it is not the OP's style, I have known of a few people (scumbags) and read about a few antics in the pua community where stealing another guy's gf (or bf for gays) is for kicks. They are not out to get a new relationship of any significance so the ethics of the person they try to have sex with is of no great significance and actually in a few cases it ironically was of significance and was given as the reason for getting serious with the cheating monkey brancher. Yeh I know, a bit of hypocrisy but since they are the single one they see themselves as doing no wrong in testing others relationships.

 

If anyone were to break up relationships for kicks or a one night good time, there would be serious issues with their morals. While my morals are also in question and that in place was a big motivation to make this topic. Honestly i feel that if your heart is in the right place all is fair. I'm a romantic at heart. I can also openly admit that towards certain people I could be considered selfish.

 

But if i happen to fall for a girl who is taken and really want that person in my life, is it so wrong do decide not to walk off and think to myself 'Oh, well. If only i had met her earlier.'

 

I mean honestly, i can go to a club and find a decent girl. Will we have the same chemistry? Who knows. Will she like the same things that i do? Maybe. But does that mean going for a taken girl is wrong? No.

 

I think intentions and how you go about it really matter. Being manipulative is one thing, and there are other ways to go about it.

[Woggle]

Just remember if they did it to them they will do it to you.

[Elle1975]

But people aren't items

 

 

There you go, they aren't items. You can't just take what you desire, you have to consider people's feelings.

 

I also think that standing behind your actions is just a way to rationalize them, a way to rationalize something that you know is morally wrong.

 

What you decide to do is your choice in the end, however, it doesn't show you in a good light.

 

I do think that nobody is perfect and "sht happens" (I don't know of anybody with a perfectly clean record), but you shouldn't make a habit out of pursuing another man's gf/wife.

[SomeDude16]

There you go, they aren't items. You can't just take what you desire, you have to consider people's feelings.

 

I also think that standing behind your actions is just a way to rationalize them, a way to rationalize something that you know is morally wrong.

 

What you decide to do is your choice in the end, however, it doesn't show you in a good light.

 

I do think that nobody is perfect and "sht happens" (I don't know of anybody with a perfectly clean record), but you shouldn't make a habit out of pursuing another man's gf/wife.

 

 

How is it morally wrong? I am not forcing the women leave her man to be with me, she is making the conscious decision to leave a relationship. You are looking at it as if one person holds all the power over the future, when both share that power.

[Raena]

No one can end someone elses relationship. Your boyfriend cheated because HE wanted to. No one put a gun to his head. If I am in a relationship and a man flirts with me I won't let him. I will tell him his behavior is inappropriate and I am not interested. End of the story. Your boyfriend failed you and it's 100% his fault. Not hers.

 

I disagree... yes his behavior is 100% on him, but her behavior is 100% on her too... and she knows she did wrong. She made a point of saying recently that she "will never steal a man from a woman again" (after he dumped her), so she obviously KNEW we were together and decided she was going to go after him anyway. Regardless of his reaction to it, SHE pushed for it knowing full well he was in a relationship and had a family to think of. Her behavior is sickening (to me) as is anyone else who thinks... "oh I don't care if it will destroy his/her family" or "if their relationship was solid he/she wouldn't allow it anyway"... blah, blah, blah... it's all just mumbo jumbo to cover up the fact that going after someone who is already in a relationship is just not right. If they are committed to someone else... stay away... if they come wanting you while still in a relationship... stay away... it never comes to a good end and is a pretty good indication of what they'll do to you when they get tired of you too. The only thing I would agree with you on is that HIS behavior is 100% on HIM... he cheated instead of doing what he should have done but this post isn't about "would you cheat"... it's "would you go after someone who has a boyfriend/girlfriend" and I think the girl in my situation learned pretty quickly that it wasn't a good idea. It never is.

[Woggle]

Nobody can make another person cheat but why would you want to date somebody that has already proven themselves untrustworthy? Does trustworthiness not mean anything?

[OwMyEyeball]

If someone leaves $20 on the dashboard on their locked car and you break in to take it ... that's stealing

 

Same scenario, but the car is unlocked ... still considered stealing

 

Next scenario, the $20 is under the windshield wiper ... getting into a gray area

 

Final scenario, the $20 is beside the car, on the sidewalk ... most would consider it fair game

 

Marriage, committed relationship, casual dating and single

 

That's my take on it.

 

If someone ducks into my car to grab my cash, they're stealing. I don't give a flying **** what their opinion is on my ability to "keep my money safe", they're committing an immoral act and will feel the force of my car door on their hand.

 

Two people who believe that their own personal happiness is paramount to all else deserve each other and shouldn't be surprised when one leaves the other after life happens (illness, skewed libidos, grieving, job loss and so on) It's their trade off.

[Mr. Handsome]

I also think that standing behind your actions is just a way to rationalize them, a way to rationalize something that you know is morally wrong.

 

What you decide to do is your choice in the end, however, it doesn't show you in a good light.

 

That's the thing. Everyone has a different take on it and as far as morals are concerned, I think its subjective. I would stand behind my actions because I'm selfish about what i want when it comes to who i want. I understand it would be considered wrong from the outside but when its all said and done and you've gotten what you want, what's the problem? Everyone is in the pursuit of their own happiness.

[OwMyEyeball]

That's the thing. Everyone has a different take on it and as far as morals are concerned, I think its subjective. I would stand behind my actions because I'm selfish about what i want when it comes to who i want. I understand it would be considered wrong from the outside but when its all said and done and you've gotten what you want, what's the problem? Everyone is in the pursuit of their own happiness.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but are you saying that provided you get what you want and have met your needs, then any action you take is right because you consider morals to be subjective (i.e. irrelevant) and individual pursuit of happiness trumps social rules?

[Mr. Handsome]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but are you saying that provided you get what you want and have met your needs, then any action you take is right because you consider morals to be subjective (i.e. irrelevant) and individual pursuit of happiness trumps social rules?

 

Who's made a clear social rule against it? I'm not saying its morally wrong or right. Its clearly a conflicted area that can be considered acceptable or unacceptable depending on who it is. Obviously in this situation there is absolutely no regard for the person on the other side, in a relationship unaware they're partner is being pursued. But its like when someone gets fired and you take their job after working for it. Sure, you may say you feel for the guy but you take what you want without a second thought.

 

For me to consider this morally wrong on all areas would be what was described earlier. Breaking someone up for kicks or an easy lay. However caring about an individual and wanting that person in your life, I feel like if someone wants to go for that they can. If the already maintained relationship wasn't strong enough to stay together, then they are just speeding up the process.

 

Like i said, chemistry is a thing. People are compatible with one another and most relationships do not last. What i mean by that, is that you'll typically go through 3-4+ relationships before you find one that sticks. Not that you should expect them to fail, but you aren't exactly ending a marriage here. You're thinking, 'Look pal. I like your lady, and i think i'm a better companion for her than you are. Lets find out.' and if he can't repel him away that's his own fault. And for all you people who say 'Well, he didn't have a chance because it happened behind his back.' What was stopping his girlfriend from saying, 'Hey, look. This guy is totally into me but you've got nothing to worry about.'

 

Now if you go after a girl and she leaves her boyfriend for you and you guys barely stay together and it ends promptly, well that's just unfortunate

[StanMusial]

If someone leaves $20 on the dashboard on their locked car and you break in to take it ... that's stealing

 

Same scenario, but the car is unlocked ... still considered stealing

 

Next scenario, the $20 is under the windshield wiper ... getting into a gray area

 

Final scenario, the $20 is beside the car, on the sidewalk ... most would consider it fair game

 

Marriage, committed relationship, casual dating and single

 

That's my take on it.

 

If someone ducks into my car to grab my cash, they're stealing. I don't give a flying **** what their opinion is on my ability to "keep my money safe", they're committing an immoral act and will feel the force of my car door on their hand.

 

Two people who believe that their own personal happiness is paramount to all else deserve each other and shouldn't be surprised when one leaves the other after life happens (illness, skewed libidos, grieving, job loss and so on) It's their trade off.

 

That's why you should always keep gf/wifey locked in the car. Just crack a window a little bit and leave a bowl of water on the dash.

 

Ha ha.

 

The law of the jungle is when your teeth join your morals in a puddle around your feet. Better make sure she's worth it.

[Mr. Handsome]

The law of the jungle is when your teeth join your morals in a puddle around your feet. Better make sure she's worth it.

 

Best thing i've read this entire thread! Couldn't agree more.

[braindamage]

Of course cheating is 100% on the person that decides to be unfaithful. But that doesn't make the person that knowingly takes advantage of the situation any less of a scumbag. But as mentioned before by others - such a person probably deserves to be in a relationship with a cheater. What's good for the goose...

 

It's also appalling how easily LTRs are brushed aside as if they're meaningless flings. Some of us have been in serious LTRs for years. It's not that I'm afraid my partner will dump me for some asshat but it does upset me that apparently the only thing that would make people consider the importance of my relationship is a friggin piece of paper. There are plenty of people who've entered marriage without much second thoughts and consideration and they deserve more courtesy than any LTR no matter how serious? Every good marriage at one point was a serious LTR but apparently that only matters when it's official.