Going after someone with a boyfriend/girlfriend. What's everyones take?

[Mr. Handsome]

I see such a dramatic mix of opinions with this situation. I was wondering if anyone was interested in diving into this morally complex situation with me. I believe opinions from everyone here greatly differ based on past experiences, so i decided to give some backstory to back up my own opinions.

 

I've dated several people. I've been on the other end of a relationship where despite my efforts, another man continued to pursue my girlfriend and thus ended my own relationship. Yes, i could somewhat blame that man for deepening the rift on my relationship but there had to be a rift there in the beginning for it to even occur. I've also fought for a girl among many other men. While she wasn't exactly taken, i had several friends confide in me their feelings towards the same girl. I had the same feelings, but wasn't exactly open in return and promptly told people it wouldn't work out with them and then pursued the girl myself. She and I ended up dating for years and to this day i still stand behind my actions.

 

So, when it comes to a taken women, is all fair in love and war? Is finding in your mind a 'perfect' partner worth enough to you to think you need to rip it out of another relationship or is that relationship doomed to fail in the first place and you want to be there to pick up the pieces?

 

Personally i think people are very, very hypocritical in this situation. At least those lacking confidence in their own relationship. Most people I have noticed will pursue those they have interested in, regardless of the person's relationship status while when it doesn't involve them they swear off of it completely.

 

Why am I asking this? Well, i do have several women i'm currently interested in and the one at the top of the list happens to be taken. Its a shame, too. She's gorgeous, funny, and enjoys all the same stuff I do. I can not say that i want to break up her current relationship, but i am unable to lie to myself when i know my own morality will be called into question if i grow closer to this individual. And before people say, 'how did you feel when someone came into your past relationship?', well, terrible. But people aren't items, and if our time in this world is limited to being happy is it right to pursue it or let it go?

 

Its shakey ground. Opinions, experiences? I don't want to just talk about me, here.

[mightycpa]

I've had girls taken from me, and I've taken girls from other guys. When I met my wife, I had been seeing someone really nice for a little over three years, and we were heading towards marriage. I took her out of a relationship too. My wife was with her boyfriend for a little over six months. He was pissed. He was a Secret Service Agent, and he asked her if she was dumping him for somebody else. She lied to him, because his feelings were hurt enough. I didn't fully explain the truth either.

 

I didn't care. Did she cheat on him? Yeah, probably. Did I cheat on my SO? Definitely. Do I feel bad because I ruined this guy's relationship? Nope, and I never did. Did my wife feel bad because my ex GF was devastated at my leaving? Nope. Did the guy who stole my first love give a **** what I went through? Doubtful at best. Did he keep her? I doubt that too.

 

It happens. We all go through it in one form or another. BF and GF are not life prison sentences. Things begin, things end and change is the only constant. I think it is very normal.

 

Now, you'll find a lot of people with "rules" against that. They insist that you will be dating a cheater, and you'll get your just desserts in the end. I don't think it's that way at all. If your girl will leave you for somebody else, then it wasn't so great with you, or she's an idiot. Either way, you don't want her. The person in the relationship bears the responsibility. You don't.

 

Anyway, that's how I see it.

[Demonica]

IMO if the couple is not married then you most certainly can chase the girl. Nothing physical though but being friendly to her is harmless

[theguy1991]

I would not mess around with girls who are attached to a boyfriend already. Like-wise as I don't want anyone to mess around with my GFs.

 

It's okay if you are going to date multiple girls or date girls who are currently also seeing another guy though it might hurt as I am currently going through it.

[mightycpa]

I would not mess around with girls who are attached to a boyfriend already. Like-wise as I don't want anyone to mess around with my GFs.

 

That makes more sense!!

[somedude81]

I unintentionally stole my first girlfriend from her boyfriend. Her relationship was already on the rocks and she just fell for me.

 

Though in the end I got screwed because she dumped me after six months. From what I gather it was because she wasn't able to completely emotionally detach from her ex and her past was still affecting her. Because of that I'm generally wary about pursuing women who are in relationships.

 

IMO it's pretty crappy to go after a woman you know is taken, especially if she is happy with the relationship. If she's not happy and looking for a way out, that's a bit different, but you may end up being just a rebound.

[Phoe]

I don't agree with this, for quite a few reasons.

 

I can currently say that if a man pursued me knowing that I am taken, I'd feel very uncomfortable and I would feel disrespected.

[Mr. Handsome]

I don't agree with this, for quite a few reasons.

 

I can currently say that if a man pursued me knowing that I am taken, I'd feel very uncomfortable and I would feel disrespected.

 

Well depending on how its demonstrated by the man, you may not even know that is his attention. Most guys are very smart, and will be your friend to attempt to build some sort of attraction.

 

I wouldn't say i am interested in pursuing someone very aggressively, but i would like to establish a friendship with someone in a relationship, while wanting more.

[Phoe]

Well depending on how its demonstrated by the man, you may not even know that is his attention. Most guys are very smart, and will be your friend to attempt to build some sort of attraction.

 

I wouldn't say i am interested in pursuing someone very aggressively, but i would like to establish a friendship with someone in a relationship, while wanting more.

 

Well, I have many platonic male friends so I wouldn't think twice about that. But the minute you tried to cross into nonplatonic territory I'd be done with you, and likely rather hurt at the loss of friendship on top of feeling disrespected.

 

No matter how you look at it there's a bad ending for someone. There's no positive in this situation. Someone gets screwed. You, her, him, all of you maybe

[mightycpa]

No matter how you look at it there's a bad ending for someone. There's no positive in this situation. Someone gets screwed. You, her, him, all of you maybe

 

Actually, I think the part you're missing is the attraction for the usurper.

 

So, take your example, except add one missing element. You're attracted to the guy. You feel a strong and real attraction that is just like the one you felt for your current boyfriend when you met him.

 

This changes everything.

 

In your original case, you're right. You can simply say "Not interested. Stop it." and at that point, Usurper is done. He can make an ass out of himself, but he'll never convince you.

 

But in my hypothetical, you like the attention. You're interested now, and you are emotionally conflicted. Should he just walk away at this point, because you happen to be attached? Of course not, if the feeling is mutual. YOU are the one who has to decide. It's not as easy as you think. If you decide for the new guy, did the old BF "get screwed"?

 

Not necessarily. Your love wasn't strong enough in that case. You've done him a service by leaving as soon as you understood that. He may feel bad, but you've actually done him a favor. That's the way it works.

[SomeDude16]

-Oh you have a boyfriend?

 

-How long you had that problem?

 

-6 months you say? That's cool, but what does he have to do with me?

 

 

 

Those lines have worked for me with women in rocky relationships, they give the women an out for a relationship she does not want to be in. It should be the partners responsibility to hold the attraction of their significant other. That being said, I would not force myself upon a women in a happy relationship. If she tells me to get lost, I WILL NOT pursue her. If she makes her interest known, and she sees an out of a bad spot by being with me, we will see where it goes... It's all about what the WOMAN wants in a situation like this, NOT what I want.

[Mr. Handsome]

could he just walk away at this point, because you happen to be attached? Of course not, if the feeling is mutual. YOU are the one who has to decide. It's not as easy as you think. If you decide for the new guy, did the old BF "get screwed"?

 

Not necessarily. Your love wasn't strong enough in that case. You've done him a service by leaving as soon as you understood that. He may feel bad, but you've actually done him a favor. That's the way it works.

 

Exactly. When you are interested in someone who is in a relationship, you can't dive in. You have to build a connection that forms into a stronger emotional connection. If the whole honeymoon and roses period has fizzed away, the attention from the new guy is sure to develop a positive reaction.

 

That is of course depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship. I wouldn't go for someone in a 3+ year relationship approaching marriage. Its a lost cause with way too many conflicts.

[Mr. Handsome]

-Oh you have a boyfriend?

 

-How long you had that problem?

 

-6 months you say? That's cool, but what does he have to do with me?

 

 

 

Those lines have worked for me with women in rocky relationships, they give the women an out for a relationship she does not want to be in. It should be the partners responsibility to hold the attraction of their significant other. That being said, I would not force myself upon a women in a happy relationship. If she tells me to get lost, I WILL NOT pursue her. If she makes her interest known, and she sees an out of a bad spot by being with me, we will see where it goes... It's all about what the WOMAN wants in a situation like this, NOT what I want.

 

I agree with this. Pursuing someone in a relationship severely restricts the amount of influence you can have. While being there, present, and a little bit of effort helps, its all completely up to the lady.

[somedude81]

Actually, I think the part you're missing is the attraction for the usurper.

 

So, take your example, except add one missing element. You're attracted to the guy. You feel a strong and real attraction that is just like the one you felt for your current boyfriend when you met him.

 

This changes everything.

 

In your original case, you're right. You can simply say "Not interested. Stop it." and at that point, Usurper is done. He can make an ass out of himself, but he'll never convince you.

 

But in my hypothetical, you like the attention. You're interested now, and you are emotionally conflicted. Should he just walk away at this point, because you happen to be attached? Of course not, if the feeling is mutual. YOU are the one who has to decide. It's not as easy as you think. If you decide for the new guy, did the old BF "get screwed"?

 

Not necessarily. Your love wasn't strong enough in that case. You've done him a service by leaving as soon as you understood that. He may feel bad, but you've actually done him a favor. That's the way it works.

 

That is exactly what happened with my ex girlfriend.

 

I knew she had a boyfriend and I purposefully maintained boundaries with her. I only talked to her during class and made no attempt to spend time with her outside of class. I also did not try to seduce her or whatever. She just became attracted to me over time. Eventually it became enough for her to break up with her boyfriend, and start giving me obvious signals.

 

There is no rule stating that people who are single can't talk to and become friends with those who are in a relationship and vice versa.

 

The most important key is to respect the relationship of the other person. I would never try to get a girl to dump her boyfriend for me. I would simply let my amazing presence wow her and she would end things herself

 

Nor would I let a girl cheat with me. I'd want a girl to be completely single before we start going out.

[braindamage]

Those lines have worked for me with women in rocky relationships, they give the women an out for a relationship she does not want to be in.

 

It's a persons own responsibility to end a relationship they no longer want to be in. If you're actively trying to insert yourself into other people's relationship to kick the foundation than that's pretty despicable. You can try to twist it into some sort of flawed excuse for 'helping' that person but in the end it's just for selfish reasons anyway since this person is a romantic interest.

 

I very much disagree with the arguments of the OP therefore.

[gaius]

Once in a while I'll flirt with someone taken but I never expect it to go anywhere. If it did I probably would be a little nervous she might do the same thing to me. So while I don't think it's the wrong thing to do, I wouldn't disown a friend if he did it or anything, it creates too much mistrust in the relationship right off the bat to be something I'm big on. I like loyal women.

[Andy_K]

I'd stay well clear.

 

If you're looking for something serious, then any girl you can 'steal' is not a girl you want to be trusting. If you're looking for something casual, you can do it without screwing with other peoples relationships and feelings. Leave them to learn their own lessons and find their fate.

 

I also dislike the idea that unmarried but taken girls are somehow more valid targets than married ones. How do you know how serious a relationship is? If your argument is that only the ones in bad relationships are vulnerable to this, then why limit yourself to the unmarried ones? If it's just due to the 'mess', then that's really messed up... Because you don't know which unmarried couples have kids together, or a house, or any number of other complications.

 

This really boils down to a total lack of compassion/empathy for other people.

[evanescentworld]

By all means flirt.

 

If you get a positive response, their relationship is already unstable, uncertain and in some cases, a non-event, so in effect you're only being a catalyst, not a thief. She would react to any hot guy giving her the come-on. It just happens to be you.

 

If their relationship is strong, you will be told in no uncertain terms that while this may be fun, you're batting on a sticky wicket and wasting your time.

Or you'll be told to cool it and back off.

 

Either way, you won't be doing the unsticking or sticking.

You'll just be acting like any young batchelor would.

You'd be looking for a GF.

 

How SHE reacts would indicate the level of your luck.

 

But never forget that if she's a cheater on him, she may never hesitate to be a cheater on you....

[gaius]

The first girl I was ever involved with I kind of stole from a friend. She was the initiator but I was a willing participant for sure. Was arrogant and cocky enough at the time to think he was just the wrong guy and I was perfect for her, the one she had always been waiting for but of course she turned around and did the same thing to me eventually.

 

Try it for yourself if you want but it seems to be a pretty stable pattern from what I've observed.

[Diezel]

I would never chase a women in a committed relationship and try to turn her into my LTR for the simple purpose that further down the line, I'd either have to worry about her doing the same to me with someone else or that she would do it with someone else or even go back to her ex.

 

If she cheated on him with you, what's to stop her from cheating on you with someone else?

 

I don't need that stress in my life.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Just six months ago I would have answered this with "NEVER EVER EVER, that's SO disrespectful" like a total condescending snot. Real life is more complicated.

 

A few months back I literally just woke up one morning and realized I was in love with my friend. He had a very serious (nearly 4 years) girlfriend and I had a somewhat less serious boyfriend, so I was terribly distressed by these feelings. I tried to ignore them. However, I noticed that my friend had become flirtatious with me. Or was I just imagining it? Was it all in my head? I tried subtly pushing at the issue and he seemed to just sidestep it every time.

 

I was going insane, so I told my friend we had to meet up and talk. He asked if we could do it over the phone and I refused. We went out for dinner and drinks and I told him directly that I felt there was a weird vibe between us and I was pissed that he seemed to be ignoring my attempts to get clarity on the situation.

 

He was stunned, of course, and responded with a ton of honest but mostly incoherent word vomit: he had a girlfriend but their relationship was very unhappy, he was in the process of trying to break up with her, he liked me very much but figured I would never be interested in a dork like him, he couldn't believe what I was saying, the timing was terrible, we couldn't possibly date, he needed time to himself to be single again, he had to find himself, and so on. That night after a lot of surprisingly good conversation we decided we would just be friends...but we somehow ended up holding hands over the table. I left more confused than when the night began!

 

Two weeks later he called me up and we met to talk again. He told me he'd been thinking about our conversation nonstop. He had broken up with his girlfriend and decided he wanted to be with me more than he wanted to "find himself" and all that. After a lot of very cautious conversation we agreed to give dating a try, and here we are.

 

tl;dr It all depends, man. Go with your gut.

[mightycpa]

I also dislike the idea that unmarried but taken girls are somehow more valid targets than married ones. How do you know how serious a relationship is?

 

Rhetorical I suppose, because you address the answer next. But you know how.

 

If your argument is that only the ones in bad relationships are vulnerable to this, then why limit yourself to the unmarried ones?

 

That is actually a very thoughtful question! To me, I suppose it is like going and getting in a fight with a regular guy vs. a boxer. There is the next level of commitment in a married woman. They've already promised a guy to spend the rest of their life with them (yes anybody can do that) AND they have legally entered a contract to do so. Moreover, with a married woman, you're more likely to be wasting your time. You're going to get a lot more "NO" even if she likes you back. It's the commitment thing. It is tougher to pull two marrieds apart. Even if you get them apart, there is a greater chance they will rebond, because of their commitment. Plus, there is a greater potential for baggage, even in this day and age.

 

That said, the married woman is not immune to a case of the hots for some random guy. Society frowns on it, but that stuff happens.

[Omei]

Well, I have many platonic male friends so I wouldn't think twice about that. But the minute you tried to cross into nonplatonic territory I'd be done with you, and likely rather hurt at the loss of friendship on top of feeling disrespected.

 

No matter how you look at it there's a bad ending for someone. There's no positive in this situation. Someone gets screwed. You, her, him, all of you maybe

 

I would have to agree with this I would feel the same way with my male platonic friends if I was in a relationship.

[Mr. Handsome]

Rhetorical I suppose, because you address the answer next. But you know how.

 

 

 

That is actually a very thoughtful question! To me, I suppose it is like going and getting in a fight with a regular guy vs. a boxer. There is the next level of commitment in a married woman. They've already promised a guy to spend the rest of their life with them (yes anybody can do that) AND they have legally entered a contract to do so. Moreover, with a married woman, you're more likely to be wasting your time. You're going to get a lot more "NO" even if she likes you back. It's the commitment thing. It is tougher to pull two marrieds apart. Even if you get them apart, there is a greater chance they will rebond, because of their commitment. Plus, there is a greater potential for baggage, even in this day and age.

 

That said, the married woman is not immune to a case of the hots for some random guy. Society frowns on it, but that stuff happens.

 

Well along with that, if we are talking about our own morals here going after a married woman takes a lot of guys. You are trying to split up a huge investment of time, commitment, and even financials between two people who have already agreed to attempt to spend the rest of their lives together. It's dangerous territory that can have a very negative backlash. That's how affairs happen and you're at the end of a shotgun from a very mentally broken man.

 

And honestly guys, I'm not even talking about cheating. I don't want be the other man for someone relationship. I mean meeting someone you are very interested in, finding out she has a boyfriend, and making attempts to obtain that girl as your own girlfriend through means subtle or not so subtle. Seducing and sleeping with a taken girl would be something completely different.

 

In my own situation, if I befriend said lady I have fallen for and taken advantage to gain her affection and she wanted more, I would turn her down. At that point I would express my feelings and tell her to figure out her feelings. I don't want a girl cheating on her boyfriend with me and it has happened in my own very intoxicated state in the past.

[Harradin]

This has happened to me, a couple of years ago, my friend started hitting on my girlfriend at the time and she ended up cheating on me with him, then dumped me so she could be with him. I knew nothing about it until she dumped mefand I was in pieces. 6 months later, she cheated on him with a guy who had started hitting on her, and left him for the new guy. History repeated itself, I couldn't have been more smug when I found out!

 

Knowing what it did to me, I wouldn't do it, no matter how bad the relationship is.

 

Besides, I don't really understand the logic of going after a taken girl, when there are many many single girls around who are just as good or better.