Over 6 months on ...how we look now

[HermioneG]

Ok I've read this sentence several times and I must admit I still don't have a clue what your saying.

 

 

 

See above ... When what exactly happens?

 

 

 

How can anyone trust themselves and practice self control ? Such things are learned behaviors.

 

 

 

Again I must admit I don't quite understand what you are referring to with this "power play on men" phrase.

It is not something I'm familiar with in our circumstances and certainly not something we have discussed.

 

Let me attempt to clarify what you were being asked.

 

For those of us who are further than you in healing, we can identify that your wife makes choices that show little regard for you or for the men she uses at conquests. To make the decisions she has, one has to reach a certain level of decision making and justification to do such things.

 

What therapeutic devices and answers has your wife achieved that will short circuit those actions in the future? Because simply saying she won't do that anymore denies the very real pathology of what caused the issues in the first place. And no true healing can come from that position.

 

So. What has she done to discover her why? What has she figured out that caused this? Because I think until she is very very clear on what thought patterns allowed such a blatant disregard for you, and at the end of the day, herself, true and lasting progress is not possible.

 

I admire and appreciate your belief in her. I think it is terrific, and speaks to your character and abiding faith in her. But she needs to be worthy of that, for both of your sakes, going forward.

 

I am so very sorry about the loss of your first wife. I have suffered terrible losses in my life, as well. It is painful , and shapes you in ways that are hard to explain to people who have not suffered as much ( we lost our infant son).

 

But I hope that you will take from that lesson of loss the impetus that everyone deserves honesty, empathy and absolute authenticity in their lives, and especially in their most intimate relationships.

 

You deserve that. And so does your wife. And as a long term veteran of recovery from infidelity, I just need you to know that for true happiness, there are certain pieces of the puzzle that just have to happen.

[merrmeade]

I think I was pretty clear her issues there had nothing to do with her infidelity whatsoever so I have no idea of what your referring to. ...

I think that DP doesn't see why everyone is saying there is still a problem. Wife has been to therapy, understands mistakes and is clear now. Seems probable he's not encountered infidelity before and is dealing with it the best he can — by consulting specialists, including LS. I don't think we can second-guess the therapist. DP has answered some important questions — e.g., Why was she able to do it not just once, but repeatedly? Why did she hide it? How do you really know that she has changed for the long-term future? — and attributed her actions to pretty much the same answers:

Immaturity

Habit

Previous life-style

Compartmentalized thinking

However, these are unconvincing and incomplete explanations to posters who have lived with infidelity and read, thought and talked about the many, many permutations of it for a longer time.

 

DP doesn't see that a problem still exists. He believes that what needed to be addressed, was addressed. I don't think anything that anyone adds at this point will change his thinking. The most important advice I would think he could be given is something like

• What to look for in the future - short- or long-term - as warning signs?
  
• What behaviors might indicate a new aspect or version of infidelity?
  
• What were the triggers for her behavior before?

 

I would think if there are still questions to be answered about her behavior in the past that should be understood by her, they would be -

• What was the need that she felt the behavior met? How is she meeting that need without the same behavior?
  
• What does she think and feel when a man "comes onto her"? What did she used to do when this happened? What will she do in the future (including talk to her H about it)?
  
• What does she think she needs to be happy?

 

They both seem to be happy now. How he meets her needs we simply don't know.

[HermioneG]

Excellent observation, Mermeade.

[merrmeade]

Best way to look at it, IMO, is NOW's the time he/they can facilitate growth as a couple and as individuals, identify and talk about needs and potential problems and what they will do about them individually and together. It just doesn't stop with what happened. The dialogue continues and changes.

 

It's the dialogue and being open to help that's important. Just learning this myself. Not at all a small thing.

 

[Oh, and IF he is actually dealing with a sex addict, narcissist, serial cheater, etc., well, he'll know later. He should not discount this, but he doesn't need to be spooked into neurosis by labels that only time will tell. He should be forewarned and keep the possiblity in the back of his mind. That's enough,

imho

, and all we can do really. I'

m

repeating myself and will shut up.]

Edited October 19, 2014 by merrmeade

[beach]

I think that DP doesn't see why everyone is saying there is still a problem. Wife has been to therapy, understands mistakes and is clear now. Seems probable he's not encountered infidelity before and is dealing with it the best he can — by consulting specialists, including LS. I don't think we can second-guess the therapist. DP has answered some important questions — e.g., Why was she able to do it not just once, but repeatedly? Why did she hide it? How do you really know that she has changed for the long-term future? — and attributed her actions to pretty much the same answers:

Immaturity

Habit

Previous life-style

Compartmentalized thinking

However, these are unconvincing and incomplete explanations to posters who have lived with infidelity and read, thought and talked about the many, many permutations of it for a longer time.

 

DP doesn't see that a problem still exists. He believes that what needed to be addressed, was addressed. I don't think anything that anyone adds at this point will change his thinking. The most important advice I would think he could be given is something like

• What to look for in the future - short- or long-term - as warning signs?
  
• What behaviors might indicate a new aspect or version of infidelity?
  
• What were the triggers for her behavior before?

 

I would think if there are still questions to be answered about her behavior in the past that should be understood by her, they would be -

• What was the need that she felt the behavior met? How is she meeting that need without the same behavior?
  
• What does she think and feel when a man "comes onto her"? What did she used to do when this happened? What will she do in the future (including talk to her H about it)?
  
• What does she think she needs to be happy?

 

They both seem to be happy now. How he meets her needs we simply don't know.

 

I think as long as his wife sits there looking pretty he's willing to keep his explanations about her character defects shallow.

 

You can't see if the eyes are closed.

 

IF Das has delved deep into therapy with his wife he certainly isn't expressing that here. If a shallow marriage (emotionally) is adequate for him as long as she agrees to stay faithful moving forward, then that's what he gets.

 

A blind eye and denial work for a while.

[merrmeade]

IF Das has delved deep into therapy with his wife he certainly isn't expressing that here. If a shallow marriage (emotionally) is adequate for him as long as she agrees to stay faithful moving forward, then that's what he gets.

Actually he has talked a lot about the work they have done in therapy:

- progressing well considering

- things she's really worked hard on

- we have a long road

 

I don't see how anyone could judge the depth of their marriage... You just don't know that.

 

No, the problem wasn't that. It was that he tried so hard to be convincing, to convey that everything was fine only 6 months after discovery, as if he wanted to prove he'd made the right decision. I get that. Many of us, who came into the Infidelity forum as deeply wounded BSs, felt defensive at the pressure when we didn't dump our WS right away.

 

It's his insistence that was weird, especially in light of his decriptions of her behavior.

• To her it was just fun, nothing serious at all and nothing that hurt our marriage.
  
• Sometimes all it takes is a bit of maturity and perspective for the hippy child to grow up.
  
• She revealed in counseling that she had physically cheated in every single relationship she has ever been since high school even though she was happy in many of them.

 

I think it's bravado, too. I mean, come on. He knows she should've known better. The following post of his from another thread is not that of someone in denial:

Don't feel too bad ... my wife slept with some guy 3 days before our wedding and then another guy a week after we got back from the honeymoon. If it didn't happen to me I'd never have believed it.

 

No, I think DP knows very well his wife knew better, but he will NOT be fooled twice. I'd wager there's a plan and a backup snoop system in place. With their pre-nup, she can't take advantage of him financially. She is what he has to lose.

[DasPope]

Well now we have another path to take together because we are going to be having a baby. Things are good between us ... excellent in fact. Very exciting time before the stress of worrying about schools ( Westside LA people will know exactly what I am on about)

All in all I'm pretty content with how this has panned out. I can't honestly say I feel that its caused any permanent damage to our relationship.

I remain as always cautiously optimistic ...