What is this guy's angle?

[Popsicle]

He wants to do it, but he feels guilt about betraying his spouse and your spouse. That is why he is wavering and says/does what he does. It's a form of double-mindedness. You can feel good in knowing that he does want you though, okay? But his/your vows keep him from acting like a man would normally act in this scenario if he were unattached (which is to just straight out go for it). Remember that you and he are two different people coming from two different mental/emotional/family backgrounds, and those things heavily influence a person and what they do.

 

You should have posted this in the OW/OM section.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

It's also possible that he thinks you are a sure bet, and he just wants it to be super convenient and hassle-free time for him, but judging by his comment about feeling guilty, I'm going with my answer above.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Popsicle

[10thengineerharrison]

Ok but as I said in the original post I am asking about this guy. My husband issues is a different post.

 

Okay, fine. But deal with your H first.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[adrian77]

I never once thought or said I thought he would leave her for me. I'm not delusional! And my husband treats me like crap and I'm the bad one because I made out with someone? Plus he had a lock on his phone he refuses to give me so who knows what he is doing.

 

Well I don't think he is interested anymore. He texted me today to ask how my day was. But wasn't overly talkative but something a bit sexual did, come up (on my part) just to get his reaction and he responded and I said ok I'll stop now so I'm not intreged again and he said yes we both need to. Another reason my ego is so hurt is because my friend (who is recently divorced) has 4 different married guys from her work trying to get with her. One she already slept with a few times. She isn't attractive. Very overweight, bad teeth, and thin hair. Now it shouldn't be about looks but why are they wanting to cheat wig her? Nobody ever hits on me. Even when I was single. Granted I wouldn't sleep with anyone but she is at the bars all drunk and getting action.

 

And obviously he isn't attracted to me or things wouldn't have changed so much after we made out.

Edited September 9, 2014 by adrian77

[stillafool]

I And my husband treats me like crap and I'm the bad one because I made out with someone? Plus he had a lock on his phone he refuses to give me so who knows what he is doing.

 

If your husband treats you like crap then get MC or get a divorce! Have you asked to go to MC?

 

But wasn't overly talkative but something a bit sexual did, come up (on

my part) just to get his reaction and he responded and I said ok I'll stop now

so I'm not intreged again and he said yes we both need to.

 

You are begging this man to want you. What is wrong with you?

 

Another reason my ego is so hurt is because my friend (who is recently divorced)

has 4 different married guys from her work trying to get with her. One she

already slept with a few times. She isn't attractive. Very

overweight, bad teeth, and thin hair. Now it shouldn't be about looks but

why are they wanting to cheat wig her? Nobody ever hits on me. Even

when I was single.

 

I think you may need IC to find out why you are so needy for attention from other men. You should be seeking your husbands attention or seeking a divorce to free you to continue your search for men. The key words regarding your friend is (recently divorced). Respectable men don't hit on or date MW.

[oldshirt]

Another reason my ego is so hurt is because my friend (who is recently divorced) has 4 different married guys from her work trying to get with her. One she already slept with a few times. She isn't attractive. Very overweight, bad teeth, and thin hair. Now it shouldn't be about looks but why are they wanting to cheat wig her? Nobody ever hits on me. Even when I was single. Granted I wouldn't sleep with anyone but she is at the bars all drunk and getting action.

 

I guarantee you, if you startndropping your pants and start putting out for every man and ask for absolutely nothing in return, you will have men lined up down the street for you as well.

 

Your friends experience has nothing to do with her attractiveness or desirability, it is about what she is asking for in return. The more you want from men, the fewer men will step up.

 

If all you ask from them is c@co, they all have one of those and will be glad to give it to you. The moment you start wanting anything else from them, they will start dropping by the wayside like flies after can of Raid.

 

Your mother should have told you that when you were twelve years old.

[adrian77]

You say respectable men don't hit on married women but these men who hit on her are married. I don't think that's very respectable. They all say (including the one I talked to) that their wives don't want sex. Which I'm sure is just a line in most cases. But these guys are taking her to lunch, telling her they really want to get to know her. All just to get in her pants? In my opinion that is a lot more than just sex.

[stillafool]

Is that what you want? A bunch of guys who aren't respectable and want nothing from you but sex? Now you know why your friend is getting hit on so much - they are all a bunch of low life married men and you are disappointed they don't want you. These men are no prize! Any tramp can get laid.

[whatatangledweb]

Let's set aside the fact you are married. No offense but you seem too needy and insecure . That is a big turn off. Your friend may just come across as fun and willing to put out. So they enjoy the build up of going to lunch with her then having sex. Affairs rarely have anything to do with what the AP looks like. It is what the other person is looking for in an AP.

[oldshirt]

Let's set aside the fact you are married. No offense but you seem too needy and insecure . That is a big turn off. Your friend may just come across as fun and willing to put out. So they enjoy the build up of going to lunch with her then having sex. Affairs rarely have anything to do with what the AP looks like. It is what the other person is looking for in an AP.

 

Correct. They are schmoozing her because she is letting them and she going along with it. A single woman who wouldn't stoop to being a married guys side piece would shut them down on eye contact.

 

A lunch and a little attention and a few compliments is still a very very small price to pay for some no-strings poontang.

[adrian77]

No married man every hit on me when I was single so it has to be I'm really unfortunate. I would never do what my friend did though. Drunk in a car an feel no remorse. I feel horrible remorse by just what did. But still want to know why he is so different after kissing me. Why does he continue to contact me but then when I respond seems to be new distant.

[whatatangledweb]

How often is he contacting you? Once a day, week, or throughout each day? Is it done on the phone or online? Is he at home or at work during these times? It is mainly hey, how are you? as a friend would do or is it something your husband would not want to see on your phone or online?

 

How much as contact died down since the one time he came to see you? Is this a long distance thing or is he close by to you?

 

Have you asked him any of the things you are asking all of us?

[adrian77]

No I wouldn't ask him because it would just be awkward.

I'll give you the whole story and you can give me your thoughts.

He is a about 45 minutes away. Texting me from home and work. He is a firefighter. East coast. He started texting me around March. I had sort of a mini breakdown on FB during the horrible winter. It was very innocent. Telling me he liked my posts and we were similar in how we don't like a lot of people etc...I posted something about being down on myself and he would text saying I was beautiful etc...this would maybe be like once a week he would text. I recall one he said he was so bored because his friend canceled on him and asked if I could ditch work and hang out. With an LOL on the end of it. Or other times telling me to call in sick or go home sick so we could hang out. I always said I couldn't. Then one day we were texting back and forth and he asked me a sexual question and I said I couldn't answer that. He was cool about it but I didn't hear from him for about a month after

I posted something on FB about wanting to do something crazy. As soon as he read that he texted me asking me what I wanted to do. I made jokes about cheating, stealing etc...

but didn't mean it. Then I don't know how but then for about 3 weeks we were texting everyday. I can't remember how it got sexual. I think I told him about my husbands lack of sex drive and he started telling me what I needed and that I should find someone to do it. After a few days he said he meant him but was refraining from saying it. I was turned on and didn't expect to be. So we made plans to meet up, he kept talking about sex but I said I didn't think I could go through with it so we agreed we would just kiss. I knew he was cute but I didn't remember too. He was cuter than I remembered and better than his pictures. He is young. Only 30. When we made out he put his hand on my crotch and moved it away. He said sorry, I know nothing down there. 10 minutes I would say it lasted and then he had to get home to his kids and before his wife came home. He texted me pretty much every day for a week after that. Said he felt guilty though and I should find a regular guy to fullfill my needs but he needed to stop to be a better spouse and to his son and daughter. Then a few days later he got sexual again and said he was half teasing me and he didn't want me to feel guilty. Now he continues to text me. How are you, how's work. I'd say almost every day. Maybe a day skipped except weekends if he is with his family. Longest was 3 days. I would say 90% of the time he contacts me. It's been about a month since it happened. I told him I had a day off and he should come over (I didn't really), and he made an excuse. Then later that night asked me what I was going to do on my day off and if I was going to do bad things and that he wanted to do then with me. So then I told him I didn't end up taking that day off I was taking off another day and he made an excuse again. Excuses were, yard work, meeting a friend for lunch etc...Last week he told me to ask my husband if I can find a lover and really wanted to know his response. My husband of course said no and he said well at least you tried. Then he told me to get some whisky and he would come over. So I said are you free this week and he said no its a really busy week and maybe we could think about it for next week. So obviously he doesn't want to come over. Why the games? What did I do wrong when he was here? Maybe I wasn't as pretty as he remembered or not thin enough? Just the other day he asked me if I had any sex over the weekend and that he didn't. And he wonders if his wife is cheating. I notice we would have back and forth conversation but now he will text me, I will respond, and sometimes it's a half hour before he responds back. Sometimes he isn't online but other times he is on FB a lot. Usually before if he was on he was always messaging me. Now only part of the time. So maybe he has moved on to someone else?

Edited September 9, 2014 by adrian77

[adrian77]

No I wouldn't ask him because it would just be awkward.

I'll give you the whole story and you can give me your thoughts.

He is a about 45 minutes away. Texting me from home and work. He is a firefighter. East coast. He started texting me around March. I had sort of a mini breakdown on FB during the horrible winter. It was very innocent. Telling me he liked my posts and we were similar in how we don't like a lot of people etc...I posted something about being down on myself and he would text saying I was beautiful etc...this would maybe be like once a week he would text. I recall one he said he was so bored because his friend canceled on him and asked if I could ditch work and hang out. With an LOL on the end of it. Or other times telling me to call in sick or go home sick so we could hang out. I always said I couldn't. Then one day we were texting back and forth and he asked me a sexual question and I said I couldn't answer that. He was cool about it but I didn't hear from him for about a month after

I posted something on FB about wanting to do something crazy. As soon as he read that he texted me asking me what I wanted to do. I made jokes about cheating, stealing etc...

but didn't mean it. Then I don't know how but then for about 3 weeks we were texting everyday. I can't remember how it got sexual. I think I told him about my husbands lack of sex drive and he started telling me what I needed and that I should find someone to do it. After a few days he said he meant him but was refraining from saying it. I was turned on and didn't expect to be. So we made plans to meet up, he kept talking about sex but I said I didn't think I could go through with it so we agreed we would just kiss. I knew he was cute but I didn't remember too well but he was cuter than I remembered and better than his pictures. He is young. Only 30. When we made out he put his in my crotch and I moved it away. He said sorry, I know nothing down there. 10 minutes I would say it lasted and then he had to get home to his kids and before his wife came home. He texted me pretty much every day for a week after that. Said he felt guilty though and I should find a regular guy to fullfill my needs but he needed to stop to be a better spouse and to his son and daughter. Then a few days later he got sexual again and said he was half teasing me and he didn't want me to feel guilty. Now he continues to text me. How are you, how's work. I'd say almost every day. Maybe a day skipped except weekends if he is with his family. Longest was 3 days. I would say 90% of the time he contacts me. It's been about a month since it happened. I told him I had a day off and he should come over (I didn't really), and he made an excuse. Then later that night asked me what I was going to do on my day off and if I was going to do bad things and that he wanted to do then with me. So then I told him I didn't end up taking that day off I was taking off another day and he made an excuse again. Excuses were, yard work, meeting a friend for lunch etc...Last week he told me to ask my husband if I can find a lover and really wanted to know his response. My husband of course said no and he said well at least you tried. Then he told me to get some whisky and he would come over. So I said are you free this week and he said no its a really busy week and maybe we could think about it for next week. So obviously he doesn't want to come over. Why the games? What did I do wrong when he was here? Maybe I wasn't as pretty as he remembered or not thin enough? Just the other day he asked me if I had any sex over the weekend and that he didn't. And he wonders if his wife is cheating.

[10thengineerharrison]

You say respectable men don't hit on married women but these men who hit on her are married.

 

I agree, respectable men don't do that. Married men who do aren't respectable, obviously.

 

I don't think that's very respectable. They all say (including the one I talked to) that their wives don't want sex. Which I'm sure is just a line in most cases.

 

No, it's a line in all cases. Believe it!

 

But these guys are taking her to lunch, telling her they really want to get to know her. All just to get in her pants? In my opinion that is a lot more than just sex.

 

Then, when they find out just how easy YOU are, what will you do? The respectable thing?

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[whatatangledweb]

I am only guessing here..but I think he was planning to have sex with you that one time. When you didn't take the hint he made excuses to leave. Then he felt guilty. I think he is more interested in sexting than having sex. Maybe in his mind it isn't cheating. He starts with hints about it but you don't take it to the level he wants. I do not believe he actually wants to commit the act of sex not after feeling so much guilt but he does want to talk about it.

 

He starts the conversations normally then they end up switching. What you did wrong was get involved with him. I believe even if you had sex with him that one time you would be in this same situation.What he wants from you now is just sexting, nothing more.

 

I see him slowly contacting you less as he realizes you are not going to do this. He is using you. He may have started off as someone you consider a friend but that part is gone.

 

It has nothing to do with your looks, weight, or personality. It has to do with him looking for cheap thrills no matter how it effects others.

[adrian77]

But sometimes he won't go there. I might say something slightly provocative and he will just respond LOL. Other times he will start and then stop it right away. Then there are times he gets hardcore.

 

Funny he started sexting me hardcore tonight. He hasn't done that since before he came over. I realize now it's after he's had a few and he can "let his guard down". I tried to tone it down and just said we should drink together sometime and he said "no then bad things will happen lol". After a bunch if what he wants to do to me texts he said he was going to be but an hour later he is still active on FB. Maybe chatting with someone else.

Edited September 10, 2014 by adrian77

[atreides]

It really seems like he is in conflict about it... adrian77, it's not about you or how you look.. he obviously finds you attractive and yes he may go cold but that has to do with his own issues and not you... if had just given up all together that is one thing, but he is hot and cold. There is no way to know for sure, it could be that he feels he has not "really crossed the line" ... there are men that think oral or kissing is not cheating but that intercourse is... he is dancing around it if he keeps going hot and cold for sure.

 

my main message is that it is not you or about you... whatever speed dating stories you may have... this guy keeps coming back no matter how many times he goes cold... stop being insecure.

[HermioneG]

No married man every hit on me when I was single so it has to be I'm really unfortunate. I would never do what my friend did though. Drunk in a car an feel no remorse. I feel horrible remorse by just what did. But still want to know why he is so different after kissing me. Why does he continue to contact me but then when I respond seems to be new distant.

 

Hold up.

 

I would be so completely and totally offended by any married man that hit on me.

 

It is not a compliment. It's an insult. It says that person thinks you'd be a willing partner in deception. It has nothing to do with level of attractiveness.

 

You need some help. I'd look into getting a counselor. Your view of the world is quite distorted.

[stillafool]

No married man every hit on me when I was single so it has to be I'm really unfortunate. I would never do what my friend did though. Drunk in a car an feel no remorse. I feel horrible remorse by just what did. But still want to know why he is so different after kissing me. Why does he continue to contact me but then when I respond seems to be new distant.

 

First of all you continue to talk about him "coming over" as in coming to you and your husbands home. That is a dangerous situation for a man to be in another mans home having sex with his wife. Any woman who would allow such a thing in her husbands home is considered low. That alone may secretly turn him off because it shows you have no respect for yourself or your husband. I bet he hasn't invited you into his wifes home has he? That alone screams of desperation.

[adrian77]

You have no idea what I go through. No need to tell me I have no respect.

And he has come over so I don't think he is turned off with the fact I'm asking. I think it's either he is feeling guilty, or just isn't attracted to me anymore. Or maybe he feels it's not worth it since I didn't let it happen last time and he saw how nervous I was. I was so nervous I barely remember it. Yes he has told me to come over a few months back. I NEVER would though.

[thummper]

Adrian, perhaps I haven't quite got the full gist about your situation, but what I THINK is the problem is that your "friend" has actually "put the move on you" (pardon the archaic terminology, but I'm A LOT older than you and these expressions creep into my talking sometimes ) and you've sort of stopped his advances (moved his hand I believe you said.) I really think he'd love to have a sexual relationship with you, but feels that even though you two have talked around it, you're really not totally receptive to the whole thing. In other words, you "talk a good game" but that's all it is. He keeps coming back, in my opinion, because he's still interested in you but doesn't know quite how to read you. You sound as though you have super-low self-esteem, mentioning several times that men have never made sexual advances towards you. Perhaps they're thinking that you're not that kind of girl, perhaps from the way you come across. I'm guessing you're a very attractive woman with a pretty smile and a nice figure. Men are ALWAYS attracted to good-looking women....even women who are not particularly attractive. There's something in the male genes that makes us incredibly driven to get into the female jeans (please pardon the pun!) of just about every woman on the planet. That being said, you've probably always had high moral values and perhaps you're unconsciously giving off some negative vibes to the men who, under normal circumstances, would be VERY interested in pursuing a passionate affair of short duration (i.e. One Night Stand) with you.I'm probably way off base here, so just take this as a possibility. I really do feel badly about the lack of interest from your husband. He's used to taking you for granted, I guess, and is clueless about you getting tired of it and looking for action from other guys, if for no other reason than validating that you are indeed a desirable female with a lot to offer. Please know I wish you all the best and hope that you get the answers you seem to be desperately searching for.

[sunburned]

Hold up.

 

I would be so completely and totally offended by any married man that hit on me.

 

It is not a compliment. It's an insult. It says that person thinks you'd be a willing partner in deception. It has nothing to do with level of attractiveness.

 

You need some help. I'd look into getting a counselor. Your view of the world is quite distorted.

 

^^^ This is so good, so true. Sometimes we are so busy feeling flattered we are too slow to realize it's an insult. He is scummy and sleazy and seems to think you're one of him. Show him you're not.

[adrian77]

So last night hard core sexting (on his part) today nice but nothing sexual and just an lol or smiley face when I mentioned something he said last night. Is it mind games? Or is it really just the alcohol when he is all opened? There are times at work he is sexting and I know he can't be drunk then.

[atreides]

He has issues... why bother, why worry? If he drinks that often and that much to laugh off sexting and such... is what he is doing really worth it.

Also if he doesn't drink that much... being sober or drug free.. behaving like that.... no he has issues.