atreides Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) I think she's very intrigued by the notion of getting a little on the side...very intrigued! Must love to "cake eat", I guess. As far as divorcing, she's choosing not to touch on that subject. Must be she doesn't want any guilt she might feel to spoil what may happen, so husband's on his own here. Puzzling situation. just wanted to edit the above Edited September 7, 2014 by atreides 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 He is doing it because he can and you respond. Its a little ego boost to get him up and through his day-Its some what low risk for him because he can come and go with it and you will still be there- Link to post Share on other sites
Bootsie Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Please just stick to why he keeps contacting me? Have you told him yet whether or not you're going to discuss it with your husband, as this guy keeps asking you to do? If you haven't yet made that clear to this guy, then he keeps contacting you to find out whether you've talked to your husband yet. I suggest you give this guy the answer; if you make it clear that you are never going to get hubby's permission then this guy will probably stop contacting you. On the other hand if you plan to get your husband's consent then why not just do it and then next time this other guy calls you can tell him you've got the green light. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Have you told him yet whether or not you're going to discuss it with your husband, as this guy keeps asking you to do? If you haven't yet made that clear to this guy, then he keeps contacting you to find out whether you've talked to your husband yet. I suggest you give this guy the answer; if you make it clear that you are never going to get hubby's permission then this guy will probably stop contacting you. On the other hand if you plan to get your husband's consent then why not just do it and then next time this other guy calls you can tell him you've got the green light. Good angle, he may want a legit open relationship.... so sad going legit is not as fun for many. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 He actually once said if he came over again I had to promise to be good. Like it was all me yet he was the one who started it all. What do you think that meant? If sex happens, he wants to state up front that it was your fault. He is reserving his right to play the victim card, meaning that he was the victim of a relentless seductress (that would be you). Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 So my husband and I are pretty much on the outs. I've tried everything and he just isn't into me. So please no comments about my marriage. That is another post. This guy I used to know (just barely through friends) started texting me. He is only 30 and I'm a bit older. It got sexual and he came over. All we did was pure virginal make out. He tried more but I stopped him. He then says he felt guilty and needed to be a good spouse and father to his son and daughter. Then he continues to text me saying I should ask my husband if I can have a lover and he wants to get drunk with me etc....but when I tell him to come over (just to get is reaction) he makes and excuse. So what did I do wrong? He came over once. Was he turned off? Why does he continue to contact me? He really does not want to have sex with you. He is telling you to get your Husbands approval because he knows you are not going to do that and this is his way of putting you off. If he wanted you he would come over when you ask or offer to meet you at a hotel but he doesn't. To answer your question YES he is completely turned off being chased by a marrried woman. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I think she's very intrigued by the notion of getting a little on the side...very intrigued! Must be starved for attention, I guess. As far as divorcing, she's choosing not to touch on that subject. Must be she doesn't want any guilt she might feel to spoil what may happen, so husband's on his own here. Puzzling situation. Yes and the OM knows this that's why he plays. She will not divorce because she doesn't want to be without a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 If he is so turned off then why does he keep contacting me? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Attention and to feed his ego. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 If he is so turned off then why does he keep contacting me? He is not turned off. He likely wants it to be legit (open or swing perhaps), as in no possible heat OR he is into you and wants no emotional baggage Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 If he is so turned off then why does he keep contacting me? I don't suppose you've ever seen a fly fisherman casting for a steelhead salmon have you. They keep flicking that fly in there and suddenly, zap, he's got her. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 "Have you told him yet whether or not you're going to discuss it with your husband, as this guy keeps asking you to do? " You could so also ask him if he is going to discuss it with his wife. Then it will be all above board and hunkydory won't it? That will help to concentrate his mind on the issues nicely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Maybe it's all mind games? He tells me to get some whisky and he would drink with me (I'm not even a big drinker) so then I tell him I have it (I don't) when are you free and he says he has a busy week. Maybe next week. He's done that a couple of weeks now. But then keeps texting me. I don't want to cheat again and feel guilty but I guess I just want to understand why he came over the first time and now is so reluctant? And yes I did tell him I asked my husband and he was against it but that didn't stop him from coming over the first time before I even asked him. Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 If you don't want to cheat again, tell this guy to leave you alone, that you aren't interested in that kind of relationship. You're walking kind of a thin line here, Adrian. If you're not looking to shed yourself of a husband, better cool it. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 What is it that you want? Do you want an affair? Or do you really want him to go away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 No my ego is just really bruised. My husband doesn't want me and after making out with this guy he doesn't seem to want to anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 No my ego is just really bruised. My husband doesn't want me and after making out with this guy he doesn't seem to want to anymore. Meant gently, why is putting divorce on the table not an option for you? I felt your pain in your other thread; I went thru many years of a sexless marriage as well. The problem with this new guy is that you're married. It's not likely a problem with you but with your marital status. Why not tell your husband that we either fix this or I am leaving to find a man that appreciates me? This affair business really just creates a mess for you and if you read just about any of the OM/OW forum, you'll see that it definitely isn't going to help your ego/self-esteem issues. It's already not working for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 No my ego is just really bruised. My husband doesn't want me and after making out with this guy he doesn't seem to want to anymore. Perhaps put the above out of your mind for awhile and go on a self improvement kick. Eat right, work out, change your hairstyle, buy some new clothes, and stop asking your husband for sex. He will see this change and you not asking for sex will make him wonder what's up. He will become interested sexually once you pull back. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 He knows you're married. He knows you tease. He has no proof you'll put out if he shows up. He's probably paying more attention to his sure bet = a gal that he KNOWS will deliver. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I think she's very intrigued by the notion of getting a little on the side...very intrigued! Must be starved for attention, I guess. As far as divorcing, she's choosing not to touch on that subject. Must be she doesn't want any guilt she might feel to spoil what may happen, so husband's on his own here. Puzzling situation. Ummm, "very intrigued" is a euphemism for horny, of course, right? Some people are answering the (obvious) question - whether or not to have sex under the circumstances and poster is saying just talk about why the guy's waffling. Question implied but unanswered is what she wants to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Adrian, I reread your thread from the first post, and I can see where you are hurting from your hubby's rejections. "He doesn't want me" is a very sad situation to have to constantly deal with. Believe me, I identify fully with what you're going through in your marriage. It might not seem so from what I wrote earlier, but I really do wish you the best. I hope you find happiness. Life can be such a lonely and unfulfilling place. Peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 (edited) adrian77 please read even if it's not something you want to hear. I will answer you question about this coworker again and with more context now that i have read more. I have read all of your threads... there is a RESOUNDING theme.. in that you are extremely insecure with your looks and are latching on desperately to any type of validity. So many threads sound exactly the same... one session of making out or a kiss and then nothing. This then leads you to create threads like this one... asking why, "why not more?". You are stuck on 30lbs which means something so specific must have come from somewhere and eats at you. You actually do not have a sexless marriage as others have stated... 2 times a month as you stated in another thread is WAY, WAY more than many get here on LS. Actually you are over analyzing... and again comes to the insecurity issue which begs the question of your H in that "why does he not initiate?" That stated I am not disqualifying the need for more sex though. I will address that later. I feel terrible for you because likely you are not enjoying the sex you do have and are likely so sensitive to anything that you are acting more like a laboratory/inquisitor that is ready to pounce if his breathing changes or his penis flops to the left... why does he not kiss me here... why does he not touch me there... why, why, why..... which is actually desensitizing you and the feedback may in fact get back to your husband and be a turn off. That is 50% of the problem but your insecurities are a severe problem affecting many aspects of you life. As for you Husband... I read that you have tried many things and that he is embarrassed to go get his testosterone checked and many other things.. He stays home and etc... Some ideas i have not seen mentioned is that he may be into porn and getting his jollies there... which may not be infidelity but it certainly is "cheating you" out of what he should be doing for you and can explain also why he goes soft or does not initiate. He certainly however has affection for you because he does at least have sex... compared to others that is leaps and bounds better than husbands who just dismiss their wives entirely. So it may be porn and it may be an addiction. So this leads me to your coworker.... I bet you are a knockout... obviously... you have guys hitting on you... calling you pet names... texting you.. ...making out with you or kiss you... clearly they "walked in the door" right.? This cowoker is riding the fence... but quite honestly it would be an affair... this is not easy... you both know it is not wrong but yet your insecurities keep asking why, when in reality he has already given you the highest compliment. The question actually goes up against what he considers to put at risk and is he willing, which has NOTHING to do with you or 30lbs or whatever false-modicum you place in front of your own self-esteem. Bottom-line adrian77 he already thinks you are attractive and worth risking a makeout session... you should not and need not ask for validity... it has already been given as I expressed above. No, this is now your insecurities asking over and over... yet again.. "why not more", "am i not pretty enough", "it's the 30lbs inst it" and so on when none of that is actually the point at hand as to why he does what he does. So, I will conclude in that, of course he finds you attractive but at the moment does not want to risk what he has any further.... Take this to heart... you clearly are an attractive women from what i can gather but that message has a hard time being heard and understood from within. You now need to be the most fair to yourself and help heel these insecurities and stop placing yourself in positions that might antagonize them further such as relationships like affairs that are not based on reality in almost all cases and not only cheat the spouses, they cheat you out of what you deserve and the real validity, love and emotional bonding you seek. Give your husband an ultimatum or simply leave and find a man with no baggage or risk to put in front of you... it would be the best gift you could give yourself and save yourself from more anguish. All the best ((adrian77)) Edited September 9, 2014 by atreides Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 Thanks. I want to believe that is true buy nobody except for my husband has ever shown any interest in me other than for casual things. There were exceptions with men I wasn't attracted to but most of the ones I was had no interest. I went to a speed dating thing once and didn't get one match. Although my friends did. They seem to think it was because I wore too much makeup but I don't think that's it. I also noticed with this recent guy (and he isn't a coworker, just someone I on knew through a coworker), that whenever he was active on FB he was chatting with me. Now he is active but only contacts me half the time and when he texts me and I respond, he doesn't respond back right away like he did before but shows he is active. Which I am assuming now he is speaking to others as well. Link to post Share on other sites
jeffmeyers Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Good God, just get divorced already, clear your head and have safe sex with any single man who fancies you. Stop wasting your time with adulterers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Adrian you are acting like a teenager rather than a woman in her mid 30s. Please get a divorce so you can have the single life and find a man you want that desires you. Why are you staying married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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