Should I sacrifice myself for my children?

[jnel921]

She was distracted by another man for a very long time. She was entertaining a whole other relationship and not giving you her all. If you hadn't caught her, you would have probably continued living this lie. She has also lied to you for a long time. Blaming you makes it worse. She is ridiculous. That kind of thinking is a red flag.

 

You need to decide if you can reconcile this within your heart. All of us have different tolerance levels. You first need to understand her intention with all of this.

 

Its a shame that when A's come to light that is the only time our WS feel something other than horny for their AP.

 

You should get IC to help deal with your own feelings. Whether you stay or go its equally difficult. I would know.

 

Good Luck to you.

Edited September 7, 2014 by jnel921

[JohnBol]

Thanks again to all for your advice and comments.

 

 

Frankly, I was eager to move on, and accept that she had told me everything. After reading the responses to me here, I saw how unanimous everyone thought that she had not told me everything, I forced myself to face reality. I got a SW to retrieve deleted iphone info (Tenorshare). I then showed the type of info it was able to pull, and told her:

 

 

"Look at the list of things I have pulled, messages, phone records, google maps cookies, etc. I haven't read them through all. Tell me if there is anything else I should know. You be the one to tell me."

 

 

A little background ... She had already confessed that they had talked about meeting in person when she was visiting the area for the Christmas (her parents live 1.5 hours from him). But she had told me that it was vague and without any specific plans, and she HAD NEVER done anything,

 

 

Now, looking at the screen, she said the following:

- The conversations has been inappropriate from the beginning and not gotten there eventually (as she had said)

- She had Googled the distance from her parents house to a place someone in the middle between them (before her flight to the parent's house)

- They had discussed that she would tell her parents she was going to a spa

- They sexted while she was at her parent's house (with our 9 month old next to her)

 

 

BUT SHE INSISTED that she never met him. And that she had never done anything, and she changed her mind. No matter how much I tried to cajole her confessing, she was convincingly, No, I never met him in person!!

The thing is they had used Facebook Messaging, and deleted it all. And even with this SW I have, I cannot see anything from FB. She knows she has deleted it all! I am so frustrated. It seems that she had gone all the way to essentially getting in the car and driving there. And she knows I have no way of knowing if she took that last step.

 

 

She is very remorseful and wants to work through this. And I know she knows that the physical act would do it for me. So frustrating! She says, she would gladly take a polygraph.

 

 

Do I already know enough? If not, what to do next? Does anyone know how I can get FB deleted messages?

 

 

This is all so humiliating that I have to snoop around like this. And to know that the mother of my children had been in such a heat for another man she was ready to risk everything so that she could lie under this other man. Does it really matter if she did so or not? Is it possible to forgive this?

 

 

And she admitted that during the length of the affair, she was physically more attracted to him.

 

 

A bit more background. She has a mild form of bipolar, but has been under good control. I don't blame her bipolar. SHe was off medication a while ago in the past to try to get pregnant. And being off medication caused her major problems. She ended up hospitalized in a mental institution for a couple of weeks. I stood by her side, as she recovered fully. It was very tough. I was tempted to eventually leave her after this, but stood by and we eventually had 2 children while she was on medication. I took a risk with her that our children could end up having problems due to her medication. Fortunately all turned out ok with our kids. But it now hurts all the more ... She did this infidelity to someone who went through such a horrifying experience with her, while I think many men would have walked away eventually. The fact that she could have done this to me seems to terrifying to me, so unfathomable ... all because she was in heat! I mattered that little to her!

 

 

What should I do? The stuff I got from the iphone has nothing of relevance. But that maybe because all took place via Facebook Messaging.

 

 

Thank you very much again for your time in reading my long posts. It is amazing how total strangers can be so caring and understanding to others in similar situations. It frankly seems like the folks here care more about feelings and this woman I have been married for over 13 years. By the way, did I say that I caught her text message just 2 days before our wedding anniversary?

 

 

Why do I have no strength seeing myself go through a divorce? That is frankly what I want and thirst for right now -- if not for anything, at least for my dignity! I still love her -- I hate to admit. And I like the life, the kids, the house, the routine we have had (although not perfect by far). It all seems to be about crumble down ... and I want to make sure my overreaction is not leading me there in a rush. Maybe I can give up a piece of myself (my pride, dignity) to preserve what I have. Give and take! But I am scared that I am not strong enough for that either. Stuck in no man's land, all thanks to her wanting another man inside her (she at least admits to having fantasized about it for at least 7 months).

 

 

She is also worried about her meds. It will be very tough for her financially. She has very expensive medications covered by my work insurance. Besides bipolar, she has diabetes, chronic pain, arthritis, high blood pressure, minor issues with her eye ... She is not disabled. She is somewhat overweight. Frankly, our friends would be surprised that she is the one who ended up cheating. More than one person in the past had asked me why I married someone like her ("You are out of her league"). I never felt that way and felt very protective of her. And in fact, I ascribed her issues with intimacy and sex with me to her medical conditions. I would have never guessed that there was that real woman somewhere in there, full of arousal and sexual danger ... It just breaks my heart. I feel like a total idiot. And I am afraid I will be even more of an idiot if I stay. If she didn't appreciate me before, why would she now? And if she didn't respect me enough as a man to do this before, why would she respect me at all for forgiving something humiliating like this? Frankly, if I was the wayward spouse, I would lose some respect for my partner for accepting infidelity ... And we have two young children under 6. It breaks my heart that they mother played with their future all for the sake of some cheap pleasure. She insists that she never had any feelings for this guy. They had had sex in high school 4 times, in between boyfriends. She says she had never said I love you to him ... Does that really matter?

[Friskyone4u]

If you do not schedule a polygraph test you will never be the same. You may not have to go through with it but there is a very good chance you will get more truth, and I believe it will end your marriage. Inappropriate conversation over this long a period with a guy who travels for work is not very promising.

Stop making excuses for her. If she found you that unattractive she could divorce you but she chose to lie and cheat.

You should tell her you do not believe her and since she has deleted everything that the only way you can feel safe is with the test.

She will do one of two things. If she is not lying and wants to save your marriage, she will say fine even if she is not happy about it.

My guess is she will give you a line like"I have told you everything. Why don't you believe me?"

If she absolutely refuses to take the test you have your answer. Also, if she says she will take the test make the appointment. You will be surprised what you may find out on that day as you are getting ready to go do it.

Lastly, put a VAR in her car. I would be willing to bet you she is still in contact with him, especially since you are putting pressure on her.

[No Limit]

They are all remorseful when the cat's out of the sack. Don't let pleading or begging affect you.

 

And there are ways to get those Facebook messages. Years ago, a woman had requested to have her own messages sent to her because she wanted to see how much data Facebook really saves - and not very surprisingly for experts, she received every message she ever sent. Everything, every single thing.

You're probably going to have to make a few calls, but it isn't impossible.

[Buckeye2]

If the messages are not archived they are gone forever. Sometimes people delete messages and don’t realize that they are also archiving them. If you have her password do this without her around. If it turns out that they were not archived and are gone forever then bluff.

 

 

She KNOWS that you recovered some stuff so she will not be surprised if you tell her that you recovered more. Tell her that you know that they met then shut up and let her talk. She’s only admitting things you already know.

 

 

You seem to be giving her credit for admitting she found him more sexually attractive than you. She deserves no credit for that. Of course the WS finds the AP more sexually attractive. That’s why they will risk everything to meet them for sex. You don’t risk anything to have sex with your spouse. You already know that she found him more attractive.

 

************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

The simultaneously best and worst part of the Internet is that nothing can ever really be deleted. Facebook Messages are only one chat client this applies to. Which means that even once you’ve deleted something… you actually haven’t.

 

If you delete a message from your Facebook inbox by pressing the X, it is sent to your archived folder, meaning it isn’t in any way deleted. So, good news if you want to recover old conversations that you carelessly deleted! And bad news if you recover old conversations you purposely deleted. Nobody wants to be forced to re-live conversations with their ex they thought were banished forever.

 

 

But if you do want to find these messages you X’ed out of, go to Messages and click on the “More” drop down tab. Then click “Archived.”

 

 

 

Voila! Here you probably have years of old conversations that you thought were gone forever. If you do want them to disappear once and for all, select a conversation, click the “Actions” drop down menu, then select “Delete conversation.”

 

 

Under the same tab, you can also click “Unarchive conversation” to send the message back into your inbox.

Warning from personal experience: We do not suggest visiting your archive folder at work, as it contains hours worth of material.

 

 

 

 

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

 

 

It was a long time ago but I would ask her parents if she went to a spa during that visit and see their reaction. Maybe your wife gave them a heads up.

 

 

She is also worried about her meds. It will be very tough for her financially. She has very expensive medications covered by my work insurance. Besides bipolar, she has diabetes, chronic pain, arthritis, high blood pressure, minor issues with her eye ... She is not disabled. She is somewhat overweight.

 

You don't get better with age, you get worse. Do you want to be the one taking care of her as you grow old together? The OM should take care of her. She will do and say anything to keep you because she needs you. So will her parents.

Edited September 7, 2014 by Buckeye2

[thummper]

And John, I find it rather unbelievable that on the occasion she visited her parents that she would have done all the research, made careful plans, provided her parents with the "spa" alibi and then NOT have taken the opportunity to meet with the OM. VERY suspicious. If it were me, I wouldn't believe it for a nanosecond. Why go through all the planning and secrecy and then not follow through? I believe they got together almost assuredly. Could be wrong (God knows it wouldn't be the first time), but it just doesn't make sense to me.

[oldshirt]

 

Frankly, I was eager to move on, and accept that she had told me everything. After reading the responses to me here, I saw how unanimous everyone thought that she had not told me everything, I forced myself to face reality.

 

 

 

 

affairs are really not special snowflakes. They almost always follow a script to a "T." While there will always be some individual variation, most follow a general game plan with suprising accuracy. A huge part of that game plan is trickle-trothing, gas lighting and outright lying by the WS. You really can't believe a word that comes out of their mouth. you have to do your own investigation and reveal the actual truth.

 

 

 

 

 

I got a SW to retrieve deleted iphone info (Tenorshare). I then showed the type of info it was able to pull, and told her:

 

 

"Look at the list of things I have pulled, messages, phone records, google maps cookies, etc. I haven't read them through all. Tell me if there is anything else I should know. You be the one to tell me."

 

 

 

 

 

From this day forward, stop trying to get a confession out of her. do not disclose your investigation. Find the truth and accept your findings. All you are doing by your confrontations at this point is giving her room to dance and room to use smoke and mirrors to deceive you. If she has a personality disorder, she is way out of your league in terms of being able to lie, deflect and manipulate. You are playing pool with a shark here. Stop giving her wiggle room. Dig up the smoking gun on your own and you will have your answer.

 

 

 

 

. And she knows I have no way of knowing if she took that last step.

 

 

 

 

 

And that is why she hasn't confessed. Rule # 27 of The Cheaters Handbook - never confess what can't be proven.

 

 

 

 

 

She is very remorseful and wants to work through this.

 

 

 

 

She is bummed she got caught and is frustrated by the tension and disruption it has caused.

 

 

And I know she knows that the physical act would do it for me.

 

 

 

 

I question whether this is true. She IS getting away with what she has done so far. Why should she think that one more act will be the straw that breaks the camels back? She has had no tangible consequences for her actions so far so I really question whether she really thinks any physical would "do it" for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So frustrating! She says, she would gladly take a polygraph.

 

In that case go ahead and do it.

 

 

 

Do I already know enough?

 

 

 

 

You already know that you have a huge, huge problem on your hands. She has shown that she can pull the wool over your eyes. She has shown that she wanted to have sex with another man and was more sexually attracted to him than to you. she has shown that she is willing to plot and plan a meeting with him to get it on. She has shown that she is plotted and planned to cover her tracks and do her best to get away with it. And the circumstances are such with his traveling that future meetings are possible.

Assuming that they have not actually had sex at this point, is the technicality that his penis hasn't entered her vagina yet, enough to keep her??

Here's the crux at this point, you are in a deep deep hole with this marriage. In order for it to be healthy and happy and for her to have an attraction and respect for you and for you to have trust and security and warmth and affection for her, you are going to have to do a ton of work. The question at this point with the info you have now is, is the work and pain you will have to go through to fix this marriage be worth it, or will that time, pain and effort be more efficient and better spent divorcing and moving on?

 

 

 

 

 

Does it really matter if she did so or not? Is it possible to forgive this?

 

that is the question you are going to have to answer for yourself.

 

 

And she admitted that during the length of the affair, she was physically more attracted to him.

 

How much wiggle room do you have to become more physically attractive? Are you already as good as you can ever be or do you have room for improvement? The reason I ask is if you have room for improvement, start working on it now.

One of two things are going to come out of this -

- one is you reconcile in which case if she isn't attracted to you then this will just happen again down the road some day after the dust has settled from this incident.

- the other is you divorce and move on in which case you will need to be as attractive as you can to attract a better woman without as many problems and a better character than this one.

 

 

 

A bit more background. She has a mild form of bipolar, but has been under good control. I don't blame her bipolar.

 

 

 

 

it's one thing to not blame her disorder but it's a whole other thing to accept mistreatment because of it. If she is cheating and lying and mistreating you, that does not make it acceptable just because she has a personality disorder.

She may have a disorder but she still needs to be accountable for her actions and how she treats people. a personality disorder does not give her license to cheat nor does it obligate you to be cheated on or mistreated.

 

 

 

 

I mattered that little to her!

 

 

 

 

Noone can really comment on her specific disorder but her shrink but a very sad fact is for a lot of people with personality disorder, other people really do mean very little to them.

 

 

What should I do? The stuff I got from the iphone has nothing of relevance. But that maybe because all took place via Facebook Messaging.

 

 

I get the feeling your decision on whether to work on the marriage vs divorcing, hinges a lot on whether she actually had physical contact with him or not.

As none of you can live in this limbo and state of indecision for very long, you are going to have to keep digging until you are satisfied one way or the other on if she did or if she didn't (you may never know 100% truth, but if you can at least get to a point that's good enough for you so that you can commit to reconciliation or commit to divorce you can at least decide)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why do I have no strength seeing myself go through a divorce?

 

 

Because you are holding on to her words and believing what she says. she has a personality disorder and you have caught her in lies. That is why you must shift your reliance from her words to your own findings. That is why you must stop asking her and start doing your own investigating.

Once you are holding the smoking gun in your hand and accept the reality, it will be much more clear.

 

 

I still love her -- I hate to admit.

 

 

Love doesn't come in a day, nor does it leave in a day. Love developed over time. It will dissolve over time as well. and even if this all goes to crap and you do divorce, you will probably never hate her or hold any ill-will towards her. You will likely still have some place in your heart for her and will always have memories of what once was. You just won't be able to maintain a marriage with her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I like the life, the kids, the house, the routine we have had (although not perfect by far).

 

 

 

 

This is much like a death. There is suddenly a huge hole in your life. but over time you fill in that hole with other things and other people. Things are never the same afterwards but you can still have a good life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It all seems to be about crumble down

It may or may not all crumble down at this point but there is definitely cause for great concern and more work to be done.

 

 

 

 

... and I want to make sure my overreaction is not leading me there in a rush.

 

 

I don't think you are over reacting. I think you would be irresponsible and foolish not continue to investigate this and get to the bottom of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe I can give up a piece of myself (my pride, dignity) to preserve what I have.

 

 

to preserve an over weight, lying, cheating wife with a personality disorder that has to be locked up when she doesn't take her meds and who doesn't give you the love and affection you want while she engages in sex talk and makes plans to meet up with an old BF????

 

 

 

 

But I am scared that I am not strong enough for that either.

 

 

you will soon find out how strong you can be. It is up to you to decide if that will be a good thing or a bad thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stuck in no man's land, all thanks to her wanting another man inside her (she at least admits to having fantasized about it for at least 7 months).

 

you must get out of that no mans land.

 

She is also worried about her meds. It will be very tough for her financially.

 

 

 

 

It's time for her and her lawyer to start worrying about that. If you divorce, it is no longer your responsibility to worry about her. That is what divorce is. After divorce, your only concern is your children. She needs to start thinking about what she'll need to do post-divorce.

 

 

 

 

 

 

. Frankly, our friends would be surprised that she is the one who ended up cheating. More than one person in the past had asked me why I married someone like her ("You are out of her league").

 

 

 

 

They won't be surprised at all, just shake their heads at her idiocy.

 

 

Their respect and image of you will be determined on how you handle the situation.

 

 

I never felt that way and felt very protective of her. And in fact, I ascribed her issues with intimacy and sex with me to her medical conditions. I would have never guessed that there was that real woman somewhere in there, full of arousal and sexual danger ... It just breaks my heart. I feel like a total idiot.

 

 

 

 

This is the scenario that plays out millions of times all over the world - someone thinks their spouse isn't very sexual and has a low sex drive only to find out they are really a porn start in bed and all full of nasty thoughts and feelings.............just with someone else. OUCH!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I am afraid I will be even more of an idiot if I stay. If she didn't appreciate me before, why would she now? And if she didn't respect me enough as a man to do this before, why would she respect me at all for forgiving something humiliating like this?

 

 

 

 

Once she does it and you stay and she gets away with it, it will actually get worse. She will always and have an excuse and a justification of why she needed some other man's penis in her and why you should not kick her out and continue to be a good whipping boy.

 

 

 

 

She insists that she never had any feelings for this guy. They had had sex in high school 4 times, in between boyfriends. She says she had never said I love you to him ... Does that really matter?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's what really matters in everything. If you get nothing else from these forums please please please get this - Stop believing what people SAY. Start believing what they DO. If she says she has no feelings for him but she is sexting him and arrainging meetings with him, she has feelings for him.

Does it really matter if she only had sex with him 4 times if she making arraingments for the 5th??????????????????????

 

 

 

 

 

responses above.

[goodyblue]

Yes, yes, yes. She is sacrificing herself for the kids. All you will ever get is duty sex.

 

You need to absolutely file for divorce now. It’s the quickest way to regain her respect and will make you more desirable in her eyes. If you just forgive her you will always be the consolation prize.

 

See how she reacts. If it’s great you can always call off the divorce. FILE NOW!

 

 

 

Do this. Check out the phone.

 

 

 

See if the phone records back this up.

 

 

 

So the only time she was inappropriate is the only time you checked?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DNA your kids if for no other reason than the shock value. It will vividly illustrate how she has lost your trust. Do this even if you’re 100% sure they are your kids. You can buy a kit at WalMart, Amazon or about any drug store for about $30. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s with a Q-tip. You send it off to a lab with $130 more.

 

DNA the kids??? Why put them through that trauma? Unless you are talking about a test with hair or something they don't know a bout. A DNA test means stabbing inside the cheek for 30 seconds and while it does not seem major, it most certainly is.

 

OP. You need to be happy to parent well. Don't file divorce papers for shock value. Do it because you deserve happiness.

[aliveagain]

I have been on a self imposed break from LS, sometimes it just gets to you. My ex was bipolar, they require constant changes in their medication and it's for life. Regardless if they are bipolar 1 or 2 they all know right from wrong even if they don't show you remorse. They are master manipulators, terrible with money and infidelity can be a symptom of the disease but it is still a conscious choice to cheat. The fact that she searched distances's, agree'd to an alibi with other man in advance of her trip should tell you all you need to know, they conspired together against you. Hold her to the polygraph even if it's just to get her to confess in a parking lot confession.

 

Assume the worst has happened, they had sex, that should be your starting point, can you reconcile with that knowledge? Do not stay in marriage because of your children, at some point your children will leave home and guess who your left with? Your still young enough now to start again, why stay in a relationship full of deceit? The decision to reconcile is your decision, she already made her choices.

 

P.S. By withholding information from you between her and other man, she is still choosing o/m over you. No reconciliation until you have all the truth.

Edited September 7, 2014 by aliveagain

[aliveagain]

Tell her you will make your final decision regarding your marriage on one of two things, you in time deciding her story and timeline now make sense to you and you believe you now have all the truth, or the results of the polygraph prove out your gut feelings that you never had all the truth and that she and other man still have secrets they are keeping from you showing you who her true allegiance is to. She has already proven that she is a lair and willing to be unfaithful if an opportunity arises and she thinks she can get away with it so let her prove to you that you have all the truth. Based on her actions do you believe she deserves another chance?

[JohnBol]

I cannot thank enough the good folks who have taken the time to read my long posts and given me some of the best advice I have ever gotten. Thank you! Thank you for helping me avoid the convinient self-lies and the temptation to "move on." I have made up my mind: she has done enough where whether she actually had physical sex is not relevant. The reason the actual act matters generally is what it stands for and significies: betrayal. And she has already betrayed me by, as many of you have pointed out with brutal honesty ... being a team w/ OM against me, plotting to do this and GET AWAY, laughing behind my back. I don't believe a word she says.

 

My decision is in no way a disapproval of what others in similar situations are doing, such as reconcilation. Each decision is individual. For me, I will divorce because:

- She was willing to risk everything she had with me for the sake of him

- Clearly she prefers him to me as a lover (I am just her provider of meds and for the appearance of normalcy with friends and family)

- She continues to trick-troth me to this very minute

- I fully believe she did have sex, but frankly even if she didn't, it does not matter at this point

- I will not stand for being a man to whom it is ok to have done this

- I deserve better than this. There are women out there, as there have been in the past before I met her, that found me as exciting as she did with this OM

- My children will not flourish in such a marriage that she took for granted and poisoned

- Divorce will be hard for my kids. But the lives will never be "normal" in either case anyways. She has taken that innocence from her for the sake of her pleasures with this guy

- I feel so much better and relieved that I don't have to forgive someone like her, and then risk having the same done to me again

- Remorse cannot change the person she is. You are either capable of incapable of doing what she did. I deserve somebody who cannot bring themselves to do what the did to their "loved" ones

- She sold me so cheaply.

- The sacrifices I have made for her and our marriage had counted for NOTHING when she was doing this for such a long time. What makes me thing that she would have what she is now asking me to do (forgive her).

- What she did was plain disgusting at a very visceral animalistic human level --- And it should NEVER be forgiven.

 

I feel scared by the prospects of the mess the next phase of my marriage is going to be. The financial hardship, the selling of the house, arranging custody, etc, etc. But the thoughts of such things never stopped her ... I am eagerly waiting for my inner strength to return so that I can face the storm about to start. I feel like there is this giant dark wave rushing towards me, and I will have to leap in head-on and swim through hell to get to the sunny side. It will never be as sunny there as it had been before. But the darkness of where I am now leaves me no choice. I will do everything I can to get away from a monster like her, the monster who could bring herself to shred my everything to pieces without much thought.

[No Limit]

It will never be as sunny there as it had been before.

 

Actually it will be even sunnier after everything is handled. A lot of relationship-types are better and far superior to a fake marriage. Dating someone who fell for you head over heel, the good old boyfriend + girlfriend stuff, or having a FWB relationship with a single workaholic woman who doesn't want any attachments - what all these and many more options have in common is that there's a big chance they'll be honest with you - notice how I wrote "big", not "absolute". Nonetheless the chances of their honesty will always be greater than that of a constantly lying cheater.

[Buckeye2]

I respect your decision and the reasons you cited.

 

 

Your wife will spin it so that you’re breaking up your family over an EA. She will recruit friends and family to tell you the same thing. She will be desperate to keep you as a provider. She will beg and cry. Everything will be fixed if only you forgive her and she’s willing to do anything.

 

 

Therefore if you don’t forgive her you’re responsible for all the family disruption and pain. See how that works?

 

 

I agree with you that the intent and planning are what’s important not the actual PIV. However a PA will be an extra arrow in the quiver of your resolve, especially when dealing with friends and family. For that reason I think it’s still worth checking out her FB the way I outlined in a previous post. It’s very easy. Be sure to hit Unarchive conversation and NOT delete conversation. I shouldn't have even mentioned the delete conversation tab.

 

 

You will get different advice from different people here which is a good thing. You can take the advice you want. Just to be clear you don’t “stab” the inside of your kid’s cheek to get a DNA sample. At 3 and 5 your kid’s will not know what you’re doing unless someone tells them.

Edited September 8, 2014 by Buckeye2

[BetrayedH]

It will get better as you detach. Look up the 180 and implement it.

 

Once you have your own place, you'll be starting your second life. There will be drama getting there but once you are gone, it can be amazingly liberating just to go grocery shopping without needing anyone's permission to buy whatever the hell you want.

 

It's only a matter of time before you're wondering, why the hell did I stay with that crazy woman for so long? I spent 8 months trying to reconcile and when I finally decided to divorce, it was like a huge weight was lifted. I was like, thank gawd that's finally over.

 

Be prepared to waver in your decision. They call it a rollercoaster. You will likely go from wanting to divorce one minute to wanting to reclaim her ass the next. It happens. For what it's worth, I think it's amazingly wise to at least file for divorce. It demonstrates that you really will not just accept this treatment. It will show that you have a spine and if she doesn't knock this crap off, she's really going to find herself divorced over infidelity. If at some point you find that she's truly remorseful and you think you might be able to forgive, you can always halt the proceedings. But at least you didn't roll over and play dead.

 

By the way, I was convinced you should file early on but the fact that you got yet another round of TT since my last post should really help seal the deal for you. Like I said, it's one thing to try to forgive infidelity but it's quite another to reconcile with someone that's still actively lying to your face.

 

Oh, and yeah, I'd still try to get those messages. Being sure about the PA may go a long way in helping make sure you never second-guess your decision. But if you choose not to bother, you've clearly got enough reason to divorce her anyway.

 

Most of all, I'm glad you made a decision and that it was to stand up for yourself. It took me a lot longer to get where you are today. Well done.

[Steen719]

I cannot thank enough the good folks who have taken the time to read my long posts and given me some of the best advice I have ever gotten. Thank you! Thank you for helping me avoid the convinient self-lies and the temptation to "move on." I have made up my mind: she has done enough where whether she actually had physical sex is not relevant. The reason the actual act matters generally is what it stands for and significies: betrayal. And she has already betrayed me by, as many of you have pointed out with brutal honesty ... being a team w/ OM against me, plotting to do this and GET AWAY, laughing behind my back. I don't believe a word she says.

 

My decision is in no way a disapproval of what others in similar situations are doing, such as reconcilation. Each decision is individual. For me, I will divorce because:

- She was willing to risk everything she had with me for the sake of him

- Clearly she prefers him to me as a lover (I am just her provider of meds and for the appearance of normalcy with friends and family)

- She continues to trick-troth me to this very minute

- I fully believe she did have sex, but frankly even if she didn't, it does not matter at this point

- I will not stand for being a man to whom it is ok to have done this

- I deserve better than this. There are women out there, as there have been in the past before I met her, that found me as exciting as she did with this OM

- My children will not flourish in such a marriage that she took for granted and poisoned

- Divorce will be hard for my kids. But the lives will never be "normal" in either case anyways. She has taken that innocence from her for the sake of her pleasures with this guy

- I feel so much better and relieved that I don't have to forgive someone like her, and then risk having the same done to me again

 

- Remorse cannot change the person she is. You are either capable of incapable of doing what she did. I deserve somebody who cannot bring themselves to do what the did to their "loved" ones

This is also what I believe. Not all people do, but, at least in my case, it was true. He did it to me again 13 years later and this made me believe this was part of his character.

 

- She sold me so cheaply.

 

- The sacrifices I have made for her and our marriage had counted for NOTHING when she was doing this for such a long time. What makes me thing that she would have what she is now asking me to do (forgive her).

I had the same experience. I took care of him through an illness and transplant, worked all of the time to try to keep the house, pay the bills and help my son in college and his thank you to me was to cheat with an old girlfriend - AGAIN!!

 

- What she did was plain disgusting at a very visceral animalistic human level --- And it should NEVER be forgiven.

I feel scared by the prospects of the mess the next phase of my marriage is going to be. The financial hardship, the selling of the house, arranging custody, etc, etc. But the thoughts of such things never stopped her ... I am eagerly waiting for my inner strength to return so that I can face the storm about to start. I feel like there is this giant dark wave rushing towards me, and I will have to leap in head-on and swim through hell to get to the sunny side. It will never be as sunny there as it had been before. But the darkness of where I am now leaves me no choice. I will do everything I can to get away from a monster like her, the monster who could bring herself to shred my everything to pieces without much thought.

 

What Buckeye2 said is true - she will blame you if you do not forgive her. I was blamed for the dissolution of our family, but you know what? I was blamed for everything, anyway, so not a big difference. Hey, don't get me wrong. I contributed enough crap in the marriage, but not all of it and please, don't blame me because you can't keep it in your pants. Always pushing that blame off on me. 3 years divorced and still blaming me for whatever comes up; well, that is until recently when I threatened him back about his threatening messages to me - but that is another story.

 

I'm not saying that reconciliation never works, but I think it has been predicated with true remorse, acknowledgement on both parts about what was wrong in the marriage and the wayward taking responsibility for cheating. In my experience, one of those if often missing.

 

I hope things go better for you than you expect. It is not easy, but you can get through it and so can your kids. As BH says, you will ask yourself why you stayed with someone like her.

 

Good Luck.

[aliveagain]

Do what you need to do for yourself first, she has since May 2012 done what made her feel good regardless of you and your children. She claims not to have started up with him again after you threatened to divorce in 2013. The reason she has never started up again is due to the fact that she has never stopped, the affair was maybe less frequent but it continued in spite of your threat. Your choice's are move your boundary and give her another chance or stick to what you threatened as a consequence in 2013 so she understands you don't make hollow threats. Divorce takes time and you can stop the process anytime up to the final decree is granted. She still has time, even after you file to prove to you she is worth another chance. According to a well known TV doctor, coming from a broken home is far better than being in one. You can still be a great father regardless of staying married to the mother of your children.

Edited September 8, 2014 by aliveagain

[JohnBol]

I wanted to respond to each and everyone of you for your excellent advice ... Please consider this overall THANK YOU as your own thank-you. It is amazing ... I guess it is the experience that makes us wise. In what you have said, referring to your experiences, I can see the hard-truths that you had arrived at through much and long pain. It is just great support to see that you want to share these experiences and want others to learn from your experiences.

 

I am sorry too that you have had these experiences. From one sufferer to another ... I feel your pain too. Frankly, it was eyeopening and edifying to see how long this pain would take. And I admire the bravery of those of you who have taken the route of reconciliation. I personally feel too weak to be prepared to feel with the pain I feel for many more weeks to come, let alone months or years. And all that to someone like my wife! Each person is different. I would have been able to overcome a one-night stand or some momentary lapse of judgment. No one is perfect. But a systematic lie is a reflection of a decision but the person itself.

 

Just an hour or so ago, I had another conversation with my wife, while fully realizing how pathetic I was ... asking questions, almost trying to help her convince me that she liked me better. She begging me to forgive her, that she would improve, the counseling, everything. I almost believed her. I had to drag myself out of there, like a fly breaking from a spider's web.

 

Thanks again for your time and advice, AND for helping me stay strong and unwavering.

[Buckeye2]

I think it's amazingly wise to at least file for divorce. It demonstrates that you really will not just accept this treatment. It will show that you have a spine and if she doesn't knock this crap off, she's really going to find herself divorced over infidelity. If at some point you find that she's truly remorseful and you think you might be able to forgive, you can always halt the proceedings.

 

This ^^^^^^^

 

D or R, this ^^^^^^

 

If you don't follow any other advice, follow this ^^^^^^

Edited September 8, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Tayla]

File for separation.

 

This resorting to petty seeking of phone text records and poly test are self inflicting pains. Take the high road. Accept the facts as they are.

 

Be adults.

 

Counseling with or without the person is encouraged.

[BetrayedH]

File for separation.

 

This resorting to petty seeking of phone text records and poly test are self inflicting pains smart ideas. Take the high road. Accept the facts as they are.

 

Be adults.

 

Counseling with or without the person is encouraged.

 

Fixed it for you.

[Buckeye2]

Accept the facts as they are.

 

What facts he has are from checking her phone, not from her being an adult.

[Buckeye2]

Your wife will come on strong with sex. Do not get her pregnant. Do not trust her to take her pill. If you have sex use a condom. Tell her that now is not the time to bring a child into the world and/or you don't know where she's been.

Edited September 8, 2014 by Buckeye2

[whatatangledweb]

I’d appreciate any and all advise, especially the very frank ones.

 

 

I have been married for 14 years, with two children ages 3 and 5. Last week, I saw on my wife’s cell phone a text message to another man: “I am sorry my batteries died.” I was out at a playground with our children. When I first asked her about this, she said there was nothing to it. But when I took away her phone, threatening that I was going to take the phone to an IT specialist to read off everything from the hardware (included the deleted messages), she started to talk, but giving me only info that she thought I could get off the phone. But she didn’t tell me all of the following all at once, but over multiple days. And her last message, which I also read a day later was: “He thinks he caught me deleting our chats, which I always do. I think he is bluffing.”

 

 

My situation:

 

 

1) The guy is from her high school, with whom she used to have sex a few times but never as a regular boyfriend. He lives in a different state, and also married.

 

2) They started talking on Facebook messenger in May 2012, and till Jan 2013, they exchanged dozens of explicit pictures, but would connect rather regularly.

 

3) They had phone sex “a few times”

 

4) He called me house number for over 50+ times when I was at work or out with our children.

 

5) She said it started because I was not being very nice to her at the time, and she needed someone to talk to, and eventually their conversations evolved into the inappropriate.

 

6) She says they never met in person, but discussed what it would feel like to do it in person again during Christmas 2012. At the time, she was visiting her parents with one of my daughters in Virginia. We live in NJ. And he was going to be on a business trip nearby. But she says they never met.

 

7) For many years, frankly there have been tension in our marriage, because I felt that she was cold to me, very stingy with intimacy … She knew how her lack of intimacy was damaging our marriage, as I had clearly communicated to her behavior made me feel rejected, unwanted, etc. She used told me it was all in my head, that she did love me, and found me attractive, but that she was tired, and/or I was too mean. It was a vicious cycle … Her lack of intimacy was a very frustrating experience, and I was vocal (not very) about how it all made me feel. We’d have sex not rarely. But I always felt like if I never initiated it, she would never miss it at all, and whenever she did it, she would regularly tell me that I should go ahead and finish up. Not to say that here and there, there had never been good times, but, let’s put it this way, I have felt very long time that she was not into me.

 

8) She said the conversation with this guy all stopped in January 2013, after I threatened a divorce due to the issues mentioned above regarding feeling rejected by her. Around that time, she would reject me multiple times in a week.

 

9) Thinking back, actually, back in Jan 2013, I did see a text message from him on her phone, telling her “She deserved to be happy.” I asked her about it. And she at the time told me that it was just a friend. Silly me … I believed her. I should have instead checked our home phone records!

 

10) She says what I caught her in August 2014 was not a restart. And they had chatted only a few times over a couple of weeks, nothing serious. Just hi, bye, except one time (the day I caught her) when he was asking if they had ever had sex on “that lake back in high school”, to which she responded that they had just walked. I don’t believe her when she says she wasn’t going to re-start. Why would she have apologized to him for her batteries dying?

 

11) She insists nothing else has happened with him or anyone else.

 

12) She seems remorseful, and want to do counseling and improve. She wants to stay together and work on our marriage. She tells me she has no feeling for him (despite the length of the affair). But how can I trust her?

 

13) Right now, her behavior (in my mind) has proven my suspicions (she does not find me attractive), and I have no trust for anything she has to say. How do I go from here, when my marriage lacks these two fundamental core ingredients: trust and mutual-attraction?

 

14) I love my children, but I am not sure I have the strength to stay with her.

 

15) I think her remorse has more to do with saving her marriage and protecting our children from a divorce, more than her “love” for me.

Should I sacrifice my life for my children’s sake? Can I ever live with someone under the same roof who is causing me to make such a choice?

 

 

Any thoughts? Thanks for reading my post.

 

When you have doubts bout divorcing, go back and read your original post over and over.Number seven and thirteen stick out in my mind the most. I am so very sorry you are suffering through this . To me it seems you tried everything to fix things before she decided to betray you for all those years.

 

I divorce my first husband when my kids were able your children's ages. They adjusted over time. Life is too short to stay with someone who tells you that are not attracted to you

[BeholdtheMan]

This is all so humiliating that I have to snoop around like this. And to know that the mother of my children had been in such a heat for another man she was ready to risk everything so that she could lie under this other man. Does it really matter if she did so or not? Is it possible to forgive this?

 

No, to me it doesn't. She had (and probably still has) an unfaithful heart. She deceived you in a most shameful manner.

 

She's not sorry for what she did, she's sorry because she got caught. There's a big difference.

 

A bit more background. She has a mild form of bipolar, but has been under good control. I don't blame her bipolar. SHe was off medication a while ago in the past to try to get pregnant. And being off medication caused her major problems.

None of that excuses her actions

 

Why do I have no strength seeing myself go through a divorce? That is frankly what I want and thirst for right now -- if not for anything, at least for my dignity!

This is what separates the men from the boys. Strength of character, willpower, resistance to neediness and doubt. You need to rise to the occasion. You know what you should do. Do you have the strength to do it? I believe you do.

 

She is also worried about her meds. It will be very tough for her financially. She has very expensive medications covered by my work insurance. Besides bipolar, she has diabetes, chronic pain, arthritis, high blood pressure, minor issues with her eye

Well, she should've thought about that before betraying you

 

You don't need to serve her as her White Knight.

 

She says, she would gladly take a polygraph.

She's confident in her ability to lie under pressure, perhaps? I mean, she's not stranger to lying as you well know.

 

The polygraph isn't that important in my opinion. She engaged in sexting and phone sex...she lied to you. That's more than enough to constitute a massive betrayal of her marriage vows

[harrybrown]

The OM is married.

 

Have you had your wife help you inform his spouse about their relationship?

 

She should not be protecting the OM, she should be helping you.

 

So will she help you contact the OM's wife?