I am losing it.

[Zahara]

My father was a very narcissistic abusive and controlling man. He would make us do things over and over and over again until it was perfect, he was insane. My mother worries about what other people think, she was put down for years until her divorce, so yes, my upbringing was a bit insane.

 

I have become a hot mess. The woman almost 40, one child, never married turning bitter because of the choices she made. I want to smash the mirror when I look at it now, because I am emberrased at the reflection. I don't know who I am anymore.

 

You've described my father and my mother.

 

My father was a controlling and abusive narcissist. My mother was a weak woman who had no sense of self. I relate to you. And I relate to your issues but I too am working on my issues with co-dependency. Unfortunately, you have no control of your past, but you can control what's ahead of you.

 

I'm 43. Divorced. Wish I had/have a child. There are days I wish I could reverse the mistakes I made. But it's just wasted energy to keep focusing on what was.

 

Don't be embarrassed. This is a turning point for you. Arseholes may have just been a blessing in disguise in your life.

 

And the last thing you should be doing at this point is self-deprecation. This is the time to be gentle with yourself. You've been beaten up and broken by these clowns -- you shouldn't add to it.

Edited September 5, 2014 by Zahara

[hourglassangel]

Whoa - it IS the case. You did nothing horrible. Sometimes we pick winners, sometimes losers. You're struggling emotionally. It's normal. But don't think your feelings right now are rational. They're purely emotional.

 

Yes, I did do something horrible. I chased him and sent so many texts, 90 in 2 days when this first happened. I cannot believe I did that....and you are right, I was being emotional instead of rational. Now to him I am that crazy ex ughhhhhh. I shouldn't care, but right now I do. I would love to forget all this right now.

[hourglassangel]

You've described my father and my mother.

 

My father was a controlling and abusive narcissist. My mother was a weak woman who had no sense of self. I relate to you. And I relate to your issues but I too am working on my issues with co-dependency. Unfortunately, you have no control of your past, but you can control what's ahead of you.

 

I'm 43. Divorced. Wish I had/have a child. There are days I wish I could reverse the mistakes I made. But it's just wasted energy to keep focusing on what was.

 

Don't be embarrassed. This is a turning point for you. Arseholes may have just been a blessing in disguise in your life.

 

And the last thing you should be doing at this point is self-deprecation. This is the time to be gentle with yourself. You've been beaten up and broken by these clowns -- you shouldn't add to it.

 

I know, I am just mad at myself right now, more disappointed than anything. I thought I learned from the last guy I dated, and swore I would never do it again....and look now, back again at square one. I really thought it was different this time.

[Zahara]

I know, I am just mad at myself right now, more disappointed than anything. I thought I learned from the last guy I dated, and swore I would never do it again....and look now, back again at square one. I really thought it was different this time.

 

How was it going to be "different this time" when you bounced from one clown to another in no time without having put any real time into working on yourself. It was bound to repeat itself.

[ThorntonMelon]

Hourglass if you see this, send an email to [email protected]

 

I will delete this in 10 mins to avoid spam but I'd love to share my experience and cannot PM you.

[Zahara]

Hourglass if you see this, send an email to

 

I will delete this in 10 mins to avoid spam but I'd love to share my experience and cannot PM you.

 

Spammed you already.

[hourglassangel]

How was it going to be "different this time" when you bounced from one clown to another in no time without having put any real time into working on yourself. It was bound to repeat itself.

 

True, I understand your point. I guess it was wishful thinking.

[Zahara]

True, I understand your point. I guess it was wishful thinking.

 

Well, you've been granted an epiphany. Use this as a lesson that you're nowhere ready to be in a relationship, other than a relationship that you're going to foster with yourself for a long while.

 

It's going to be better.

[mtnbiker3000]

For me (and I'm sure you as well), it was especially rough because my ex was someone I cared about very deeply. More than anyone else I've ever been with. So when she left me AND I discovered my self esteem issues, it was like a one-two punch. It was almost unbearable. And 18+ months later, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't study, examine and analyze the RS and BU. And punish myself for my foolish mistakes.

 

I've realized it's not a matter of getting over it or past it. It's more a matter of learning to live with it and trying to learn from it and avoid a similar situation. Don't think I could go through that again!!!

[hourglassangel]

For me (and I'm sure you as well), it was especially rough because my ex was someone I cared about very deeply. More than anyone else I've ever been with. So when she left me AND I discovered my self esteem issues, it was like a one-two punch. It was almost unbearable. And 18+ months later, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't study, examine and analyze the RS and BU. And punish myself for my foolish mistakes.

 

I've realized it's not a matter of getting over it or past it. It's more a matter of learning to live with it and trying to learn from it and avoid a similar situation. Don't think I could go through that again!!!

 

Hopefully none of us will have to go through any of this again.....and 18+ months on and you still think about it? The only suggestion I can make is not study and examine it. It will eat you alive, from the inside out. There is nothing you can do to change what has happened, it's in the past.

 

My child's father and I were together for 7 years, we broke up 2 years ago...it was such a painful split especially with what he did to me after....he eloped and married a stranger 5 weeks after we broke up. In his words, he did it to replace me and get over me. He never healed, and to this day he regrets his actions. I have no remorse for him, I am indifferent to him. Yes, I loved him dearly, but we were not meant to be. We get along better now than when we were together. Some things are just not meant to be.

[hourglassangel]

One of my tattoos says: Stay true to you.....I believe in this saying, lol, which is why I put it on my body. I woke up today feeling a bit more clarity. I did what I did...I chased him and texted him like crazy, but that was what I was feeling at the time. Do I regret it? Absolutely.

 

Can I turn back time and fix this? No I cannot.

 

Did he give me a chance? No he did not.

 

Did he cut me out of his life for no reason? Yes he did.

 

Do I need someone like that in my life? No I do not.

 

Did he value me? Absolutely not.

 

The whole point of this crazy behavior for the last 3 weeks is because this person cut me off, without a chance to explain. That's horrendous, when someone's words and thoughts are twisted. He took my giving him space to such a level, it caused me to go into a manic state. Manic and Panic, this is not me, I am stronger than this.

[Zahara]

Stay true to you. From this point forward, you do you.

 

Today you will feel strong. Tomorrow, maybe not so much. And maybe the next, you'll feel defeated. It's normal for those feelings to fluctuate so just allow them to come over you and let them pass.

 

A saying I kept always repeating when I found it hard to get past a bad moment -- if you're going through hell, keep going.

 

Have your plan for when you feel the urge to break contact -- a friend, mom, LS. Reach out.

[hourglassangel]

Stay true to you. From this point forward, you do you.

 

Today you will feel strong. Tomorrow, maybe not so much. And maybe the next, you'll feel defeated. It's normal for those feelings to fluctuate so just allow them to come over you and let them pass.

 

A saying I kept always repeating when I found it hard to get past a bad moment -- if you're going through hell, keep going.

 

Have your plan for when you feel the urge to break contact -- a friend, mom, LS. Reach out.

 

I love that saying you have. I have been through hell many times in my life already, but I'm still here. I won't give up.

 

Yes, I am preparing myself for the range of emotions that might come, especially during the weekend. I will be busy with my son and a surprise bday party for a friend, so I will be around people I love. They know what I have been through and are very supportive.

 

I did shed a tear this morning when I woke up...but that was because I looked in the mirror and said "I am better than this, I don't deserve this, someone out there will appreciate me and everything I have to offer"

[Bella2]

Hourglass, I would also like to message you privately, but I don't think it's possible through this forum??

[Zahara]

Hourglass, I would also like to message you privately, but I don't think it's possible through this forum??

 

You have to reach a number of posts before you are allowed the PM function -- 50 posts I believe.

[hourglassangel]

You have to reach a number of posts before you are allowed the PM function -- 50 posts I believe.

 

grrrrr, I had a username and password for a year already, but I can't sign in anymore. I had to create this new acount.

[hourglassangel]

The fact that I have to be on this forum, and post my issues/problems re-confirms the truth. I have to change my approach on men and dating. If a man is interested, he will make it known and not play games. Bottom line, it's not rocket science. No woman should ever have to chase or convince a man of anything.

 

This situation has me frazzled for many reasons. He initiated all the contact and seeing me. He made all the plans. He started to grow attached to me. Once reality came by me questioning his confusion, he baled on me. He said I flipped, but essentially he flipped first by completely losing it and accusing me of things I did not do. I should have just let it go, and instead, I started a campaign for him to fight for me. Instead, I fought for him. No way is this right.

 

I guess I have to look at this way, it would have happened eventually. I'm blessed it didn't take months or years for the real him to come out, after time and actually maybe even falling for him. I'm glad I just liked him, but that still doesn't help the situation I am in.

 

If he wants to put me in the box of all the other crazy ex's he has, than so be it. I cannot change facts and what happened.

[Zahara]

I guess I have to look at this way, it would have happened eventually. I'm blessed it didn't take months or years for the real him to come out, after time and actually maybe even falling for him. I'm glad I just liked him, but that still doesn't help the situation I am in.

 

If he wants to put me in the box of all the other crazy ex's he has, than so be it. I cannot change facts and what happened.

 

Sometimes it doesn't have to take that much for you to know who they are -- I believe he told you how he behaved with his ex partners and that is always a clear indication of who and how they handle relationships/partners and what's possibly in it for you. Just zoning in on those red flags can save you a lot of heartache.

[hourglassangel]

Sometimes it doesn't have to take that much for you to know who they are -- I believe he told you how he behaved with his ex partners and that is always a clear indication of who and how they handle relationships/partners and what's possibly in it for you. Just zoning in on those red flags can save you a lot of heartache.

 

So true about the red flags, and I ignored them. I remember a phone conversation we had where he was telling me about his teenage years, and I remember cringing and thinking huge Red Flag.....I must write these down next time so I don't forget.

 

Another phone conversation, he was complaining about his ex-wife and her dating life....he even checked her match.com profile while I was on the phone with him...I was like seriously? your still checking that? Obvi you still care about her in some way than.

[Missy0724]

Oh, this sounds so hauntingly familiar!

 

My exBF complained and talked about his ex ALL the time. Even in therapy once a week to talk about her, process his feelings for her, after 2 years of being apart. rrrggg. Please. Get over it. And you are with me, WHY? It's called we were USED, rebound, fulfill HIS needs, distract them, help them get over their exes. Can't be alone. Pathetic. He kept asking me for more "time..." But continued to be angry at her, pissed she dating, couldn't even be in same room with her at their childrens' events, so he wouldn't go. ??? Still in love with her, hello. I knew it, I questioned him, he got mad, wouldn't want to talk about it. Lame excuse of, "once you love someone, you always will, right?" Um, NO. I'm divorced. BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOVE MY H ANYMORE. Kind of the whole point when you aren't with someone anymore...Hello.

 

I saw all these red flags, too. For 10 months. I didn't walk away. Ignored them. Understand it now and where I was emotionally at that time, and why I didn't walk away. I was getting something from the relationship. We had good times, good sex, tons in common, etc. Just emotionally - nope. I was always left in the lurch. Because this "ghost" of damn exwife always lingering around... sucked. Pretty much the reason why our relationship ended.

 

And that's a good thing. Sorry, at this point in my life, I don't do "sloppy seconds". So glad it's over between him and I. He screwed up, his loss. Moving on.

 

Cut all ties with him. No friendship. I had a lightbulb moment yesterday...

 

When you begin a romantic relationship, a healthy one at least, isn't it bc you and this person connect, can talk, laugh, share, connect as friends? So you become friends, great friends, best friends (hopefully). And then it ends. They break up with you. But then throw the "friends" card. WTF

 

You decided you didn't want to be with me anymore, spend time with me, continue the relationship, BOTH romantic and friends. They kind of go together. So when one person decides to end things - they are ending BOTH the romantic part and the friendship part. They are intertwined, because that is what a relationship IS!!! So they are ending friendship, too!

 

So asking someone after break up, to remain friends is COMPLETE BS. And can rarely work! Unless BOTH people have NO romantic feelings!

[hourglassangel]

Oh, this sounds so hauntingly familiar!

 

My exBF complained and talked about his ex ALL the time. Even in therapy once a week to talk about her, process his feelings for her, after 2 years of being apart. rrrggg. Please. Get over it. And you are with me, WHY? It's called we were USED, rebound, fulfill HIS needs, distract them, help them get over their exes. Can't be alone. Pathetic. He kept asking me for more "time..." But continued to be angry at her, pissed she dating, couldn't even be in same room with her at their childrens' events, so he wouldn't go. ??? Still in love with her, hello. I knew it, I questioned him, he got mad, wouldn't want to talk about it. Lame excuse of, "once you love someone, you always will, right?" Um, NO. I'm divorced. BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOVE MY H ANYMORE. Kind of the whole point when you aren't with someone anymore...Hello.

 

I saw all these red flags, too. For 10 months. I didn't walk away. Ignored them. Understand it now and where I was emotionally at that time, and why I didn't walk away. I was getting something from the relationship. We had good times, good sex, tons in common, etc. Just emotionally - nope. I was always left in the lurch. Because this "ghost" of damn exwife always lingering around... sucked. Pretty much the reason why our relationship ended.

 

And that's a good thing. Sorry, at this point in my life, I don't do "sloppy seconds". So glad it's over between him and I. He screwed up, his loss. Moving on.

 

Cut all ties with him. No friendship. I had a lightbulb moment yesterday...

 

When you begin a romantic relationship, a healthy one at least, isn't it bc you and this person connect, can talk, laugh, share, connect as friends? So you become friends, great friends, best friends (hopefully). And then it ends. They break up with you. But then throw the "friends" card. WTF

 

You decided you didn't want to be with me anymore, spend time with me, continue the relationship, BOTH romantic and friends. They kind of go together. So when one person decides to end things - they are ending BOTH the romantic part and the friendship part. They are intertwined, because that is what a relationship IS!!! So they are ending friendship, too!

 

So asking someone after break up, to remain friends is COMPLETE BS. And can rarely work! Unless BOTH people have NO romantic feelings!

 

I'm tired of being the care taker and therapist, I really am. When we first started talking I jokingly told him I had to charge for these therapy sessions. and honestly, I was his therapist. I guided him to try and not hate the ex and become indifferent, lol, why would I have to to do that? he is a grown man. for whatever reason, he hates her, not civil, etc. Shows you a lot about a persons character.

[Mittens]

I'm tired of being the care taker and therapist, I really am. When we first started talking I jokingly told him I had to charge for these therapy sessions. and honestly, I was his therapist. I guided him to try and not hate the ex and become indifferent, lol, why would I have to to do that? he is a grown man. for whatever reason, he hates her, not civil, etc. Shows you a lot about a persons character.

 

Indeed. I've been married twice before.

 

1st husband: Been divorced 20 years, no children. No contact in those 20 years, he didn't want to be friends and I respected his decision. I moved away from the town where he lives, so there was absolutely no reason for us to stay in contact.

 

2nd husband: Been separated 5 years, after 10 years together, no children. Ended on good terms, but still had a rocky year or so after the split. He's now friends with both myself and my new partner, he's also been in a relationship with a woman for about 3 years. No romantic feelings on either side. I see him more as family now (I have none in the country where I live).

 

I was also bought up to have no belief in myself, no sense of my own worth. I had a relationship where I also turned crazy after he ended it. Did much of the same stuff you did. Embarrassed the heck out of myself. The ex ended up saying some extremely (still) hurtful things to get rid of me. It took me a good 2 years after this relationship of only 6 months to get over it.

 

I then had a relationship with a guy for a year that I ended because it wasn't going anywhere. He then did much the same to me as I'd done to the above ex. All it did in the end was make me dislike him intensely. He thought I would come to my senses and realise I still wanted him - it had the exact opposite effect.

 

I felt like sending a message to the ex I had gone crazy on saying "I've finally realised how annoying I must have been after we split, and why you said what you did"

 

No, you can't change facts and what happened. But your actions weren't motivated by malice. I hope you continue to recover and life becomes happier for you.

Edited September 5, 2014 by Mittens

[hourglassangel]

Indeed. I've been married twice before.

 

1st husband: Been divorced 20 years, no children. No contact in those 20 years, he didn't want to be friends and I respected his decision. I moved away from the town where he lives, so there was absolutely no reason for us to stay in contact.

 

2nd husband: Been separated 5 years, after 10 years together, no children. Ended on good terms, but still had a rocky year or so after the split. He's now friends with both myself and my new partner, he's also been in a relationship with a woman for about 3 years. No romantic feelings on either side. I see him more as family now (I have none in the country where I live).

 

I was also bought up to have no belief in myself, no sense of my own worth. I had a relationship where I also turned crazy after he ended it. Did much of the same stuff you did. Embarrassed the heck out of myself. The ex ended up saying some extremely (still) hurtful things to get rid of me. It took me a good 2 years after this relationship of only 6 months to get over it.

 

I then had a relationship with a guy for a year that I ended because it wasn't going anywhere. He then did much the same to me as I'd done to the above ex. All it did in the end was make me dislike him intensely. He thought I would come to my senses and realise I still wanted him - it had the exact opposite effect.

 

I felt like sending a message to the ex I had gone crazy on saying "I've finally realised how annoying I must have been after we split, and why you said what you did"

 

No, you can't change facts and what happened. But your actions weren't motivated by malice. I hope you continue to recover and life becomes happier for you.

 

You are right, you can't change facts and things happen.

 

In fact, when I was insanely texting him, it wasn't about wanting him back...it was that he took my words and trashed them and turned them into whatever he wanted. i wasn't reaching out because I wanted him to want me, I was pissed that he put words in my mouth.

 

All I kept saying over and over is to give me a chance to explain, call me so we can clear the air, and move on if need be. Instead, he refused to communicate at all. So, I did chase him, but not to get him to want me, but to get him to hear my side of the story.

 

He took my words, twisted them, and spit them out with his own interpretation....that my friends is whack.

[hourglassangel]

It's Monday, and I took the weekend to be with my son, family and friends. I had a great time, but there was always something playing in the back of my mind. Why is this so hard to let go? is what I keep asking....

 

To be misunderstood, chastized, talked about on social media is not a good feeling. I became a psychotic mess because of what happened.

 

I am too sensitive and emotional, this is the type of person I have been my whole life. He even told me many times how great I am and how much he values our talks, friendships, etc. To go from being adored, to being dumped in the trash is what hurts. Trust me when I say I would love to be able to snap my fingers and get over it, I don't know how.

 

I do know that he has issues and anger problems, I know that people have called him a baby in the past. I know that I got involved and let someone like him close to me. I know he has mommy issues. My ego and pride are running me again and all I want to do is stop thinking about this.

[hourglassangel]

Bottom line - I feel guilty and don't know why.