Very afraid

[bubbaganoosh]

Son of a biscuit I got chills reading that. Thank you for your honesty. I did confront her again today. Said I love her and would do anything to fix things counselor etc. She said she loves me but is not in love with me YIKES She also got angry and denied everything. Now she wants to separate but still stay married? I still wrapping my head around the fact that she cheated and has so little respect for me she cannot tell me the truth. I'm trying to work through it for baby girl but its like I'm forced to eat a triple decker turd sandwich. Why do people lie? You might not like what I have to say but I always try to tell the truth.

 

Another scary thing is when I try to say she is lying she immediately turns it around on me and says I am lying and where is this information coming from.

 

Well what the hell do you expect her to do? of course she's going to deny it. She would be a fool to say "Oh yeah I'm screwing around with another guy".

 

She's smart enough to turn the tables on you and your falling for it head first. You need to open your mouth and let her know that her twisting things around wont fly any longer and you refuse to take the blame for her bad behavior.

 

The only way she's going to learn that your serious is to hand her divorce papers and tell her that the door is that way and leave.

 

If she really wants to fix the marriage then it's up to her to prove it to you that she wants it. Stop playing games with her. You saw the texts and you know they came from her so your not crazy and making a fool out of yourself.

[bigfool]

I just cannot believe she would do this to me. Throw away everything for what? I keep hoping that I am having a nightmare and I'll wake up and I don't know. I saw the texts but I cannot remember them word for word I don't know if I can recite them. I feel so alone. Would be nice to sleep a couple hours??

[bigfool]

I want to call the OM's wife and be like do you even know?? I mean seriously how can she not? Or at least suspect something. I feel so sick. Why does everyone think I am such a fool? Ok I guess I am being pathetic but what else can I do. Its so hard to keep my cool right now.

[atreides]

alright... enough... already! you are not pathetic, you are not a fool... but you are at this moment not doing anything about your wife's infidelity.

 

I am sorry this has happened, but it's time to move forward and deal with it. As I said in my last post to you, avoid the separation request.. sure enough this is the road she wants.

 

Bottom line... yes expose the affair... it may not win her back but it will usually stop or pause the affair... depending on how much they can squirm their way out of it or if you and the other wife will let them.

 

You need to let her know, that she can do whatever she wants with this guy... but not as your wife. If she wants to work on the marriage, then you need to set hard rules... she has no contact... nothing.. none of this "closure" bull crap or letting her leave him "step by step"

 

You need to also get with an attorney and go over your options. If you cannot reconcile with her then be the first to file.

 

Lastly i understand... this is looking like 20 years are gone... take the last 19 years as good and bad for what they were... today is today and you cannot reflect on live in denial... she is with this man while your emotions prevent you from doing anything.

 

You have good advise on this thread please... take action!!!

[bigfool]

Thank you atreides. I will try. I had false hope we could work it out but I guess that is not possible. God or whoever you pray to help me now my heart is racing and I cannot sleep. I just don't know what to do. If I contact her now it has to be in text and I feel like that is a cowards way out. Although I did try face to face and that got not results. Why can't I be more logical about this? Its just so hard to detach yourself from a situation when you are directly involved.

 

And good god I wish you hadn't said squirm that was in one of the texts. Ok as I wipe the bile off my lips.

 

And how do I approach it? As the "man" no matter what I do it will be considered aggressive. I want to be civil at least in respect for what I thought we once had. Good grief this sucks.

Edited September 1, 2014 by bigfool

[BeholdtheMan]

would do anything to stay with her

 

Does your wife take your for granted? Are you a doormat? This clingy attitude is your downfall. No woman respects a doormat

[No Limit]

Goddamnit file. You're being the sidepiece now, while she's made the other guy her top priority.

[bigfool]

Well she swears to god she doesn't love anyone else but she just wants to be alone?? Its just so much to process. I haven't slept in 3 days and my head is spinning.

[bigfool]

Perhaps the most sickening thing to me is she acts like she cares about our daughter but she only thinks about herself. And now OM will probably become a part of my baby girl's life and he is such a lying cheating piece of crap too it just makes me physically ill. I must look more stupid than I am or maybe I am so stupid I don't even realize it?? Don't ever let a girl tell you they cannot be persuaded by DR money because believe me they can.

[jackslife]

^^^^^^

 

Don't want to kick a chap when he is down, but lady luck is spot on.

 

You should do the 180. (see relevant item under divorce on this website). You should tell the OM wife.

 

Despite being sick to the stomach, I'm guessing you still love and want your wife. If you want to keep her without being a doormat the 180 is the way to go.

 

She calls him Daddy and he calls her Baby, she wants/needs a dominant man in the sack. If you aren't supplying that need she has and will go elsewhere. She has you for the stable foundation of her marriage, the good supplier and carer of her child but wants a dominant b*****d in the sack.

 

Become the man she wants, the contradiction is the man she wants would have kicked her out.

[bigfool]

God this sucks so bad. I'm not equipped for these mind games. I guess I am old fashioned. If I say I love you I love you that's the end of it? I am starting to migrate towards taking revenge now not like physical but lawyers and all that jazz. Just sucks.

[No Limit]

Well she swears to god she doesn't love anyone else

 

You can't be that naive...

[Steen719]

First, this is very new, so you cannot be expected to react like those of us who have been through this and are in a different spot, so while I agree with those posters who have said you need a different approach, I can understand that you feel blindsided.

 

Now, take some time, read some posts from others who have similarly been blindsided and you will see why everyone is saying to you that she is cheating, minimizing, gaslighting, lying and pretty much blaming you for everything that is wrong in your marriage. That is because she is. The why is sort of on the back burner now. You need to get a hold of yourself. The 180 will allow you to take some of your sanity back. It's hard, it is damned hard, but if you don't do it, you are going to be spinning your wheels and making it that much harder on yourself. Believe us when we tell you that this is typical cheater behavior. My xh told me I was crazy, always looking for something that wasn't there..blah blah blah and when I didn't buy that, he started blaming me and telling me that he had not been happy for 13 years, he loved me as my son's mother, not in love with me, etc. Made me sick. I couldn't believe it, but there you have it. Of course, he was cheating.

 

It will take you however long it takes you to believe this is happening to you, but you need to stand up right now and show her that you are strong (and this is for a man or a woman) and that you can move forward with a clear mind. It sounds as if she is gone from the marriage, but if you are to have ANY kind of chance to save it, she needs a wake up call and the only way to deliver that is to make her believe you are moving on as she is.

 

This is no different from what others are saying. I am just trying to reiterate it since you need as much support as you can get. Read the 180 and implement it so that you can have as much clarity and sanity as you can manage in a really f'd up situation.

 

Finally, it gets better. Honestly, it does. I can tell you that it seems like it won't, but it does. Hang in there.

 

Oh, and my xh also got mad that I spied on him and I was so guilt ridden for a while that I felt terrible. Then I came to my senses and thought "what?" He is mad at me and he cheated on me? Really? I asked him if that was really what he wanted to talk about and that I didn't give a hoot if he was mad about it or not - that was it, he didn't talk about that again. UGH! More diversion tactics.

[oldshirt]

I really want to. I just keep running it through my head. A lot of things don't add up. But it is so hard to not believe someone who has been your life for almost 20 years. The OM has so much more to lose than me too. She tells me he is gay? That she has no romantic feeling for him? So why the sexting?? Maybe as a joke I don't know. I guess denial is more than a river in egypt. Please bear with me. I have a good friend who is very logical and trying to help me too. Yet I feel so alone. I guess I am a fool hence the name. Trying to laugh at my own sorrow sorry.

 

 

 

Almost everything you had said about her begins with the phrase, "she says.."

 

 

You must learn to watch her actions and disregard what comes out of her mouth.

 

 

 

 

Words mean nothing, actions mean everything. If she says, "he is just a friend." but she is sexting him, that means he's not just a friend.

 

 

If she says he is gay, but he is sexting a woman, that means he's not gay.

 

 

If she says she not attracted to him, but she is having sex-talk and flirtations with him, that means she is.

 

 

If she says it's not physical, but she has kissed him, that means it is.

 

 

People are what the do, not what they say.

 

 

Stop following her words and only go by her actions.

 

 

Same thing applies to you, STOP TALKING and start doing.

 

 

DO things that will rectify this. see a lawyer and start protecting yourself. Get this OM out of the picture. Schedule a meeting with a counselor. If she doesn't start toeing the line with her actions - hand her the papers and send her packing.

 

 

Stop believing her words and only go by her actions.

[Man Mountain Makino]

And how do I approach it? As the "man" no matter what I do it will be considered aggressive. I want to be civil at least in respect for what I thought we once had. Good grief this sucks.

Have a sit down talk and say, "look, you want to be with this other guy. I understand that. I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. You two should be free to be together, since that's what you want."

 

Then hand her divorce papers you had prepared. "It's the best way, dear."

 

Then ask her to collect her stuff and go live with her boyfriend. It's what she really wants, after all. You're not interested in being room mates.

 

Not aggressive at all.

[jackslife]

People are what the do, not what they say.

 

Stop following her words and only go by her actions.

 

Stop believing her words and only go by her actions.

 

Re read ^^^^^^^

[atreides]

OP, you know what is happening... you are grasping at anything to "say it isn't so" and i am sorry...

you have a lot of support here... now is the time to start using it.

[Spectre]

I'm guessing you neglected her. She probably told you a million times what she needed and you blew her needs off. Then she stopped asking anything of you and then you thought the marriage was great. amiright? No demands... the dream marriage! Maybe this isn't politically correct or even the case here. Maybe in the long run it'll help you in your next marriage. Maybe not. Good luck. It sounds to me like you both checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Meet her needs or let her go if that's what she needs now.

 

What kind of nonsense is this? Just..no. Don't try to turn this around on him. He needs this nasty ass woman out of his life.

[2sunny]

No need to talk- she lies!

 

Just start doing everything that shows her YOU are removing HER FROM YOUR LIFE.

 

She will get the message loud and clear if you do things right.

[jm2013]

Sorry you're going through this. Do yourself a favor and pull your cell phone records. You'll see the pattern. You may also see a drop from when you confronted her. After you start the accusations WS's start walking on the eggshells. You are at the crucial point. She will work harder to cover her tracks and erase anything that may expose her affair.

 

I think what you need to do is work on getting her exposed. I got my wife into self admital to an affair. I did this by using a simple bluff to where she thought I had all of the evidence that found her guilty. Even after she admitted it to me she minimized it as much as she could. Most WS's will start with the least amount of information they can cause they don't know what you know. It sound better if it was 1 time and a big mistake than 100 times all over your house and she's madly in love with him.

 

She also has a reputation to protect. Nobody wants to be seen as an adulterer who's been cheating on their spouse. It takes away the perception people used to see them as. It doesn't mean it can't be rebuilt. I know you're still in the shock mode and everything feels like a dream. You should lay out a plan.

 

1 - Blow this thing wide open. Do whatever you have to do to either get her to admit she's having an affair or use alternate means like a VAR like others have suggested or GPS. Pull all of the phone records.

 

2 - Confront her with your evidence which she won't be able to refute. You will still get trickle truth hard. She doesn't want you to know to what extent the affair is. So prepare yourself now for the worst of the worst. You'll end up uncovering things you would have never thought your wife would have been able to do to you and it will me you extremely sick.

 

3 - Please do not leave your house. Once you blow the top off this one you should try and send her to her parents or a relative that lives close or perhaps a friend. I think this time apart is crucial. You'll need to collect yourself and figure out what you want to do. And second, you'll be able to sit back and watch what SHE does. You're going to leave her at the fork in the road. She'll now know this is YOUR decision and not hers. Before it was one sided to where she was able to control everything cause you did not know about it. If your wife does love you and wants to be with you she'll go out of her way to prove this to you. And if in time you feel like you can deal with what just happened and work together and love each other into happiness you both can lay out a long term plan and work through it.

 

4 - During this time you're going to go through extreme emotional turbulence. Do yourself a favor and try to maintain your health. It will help you a lot. Consider working out if you don't already and trying to maintain a healthy diet. If you have trouble sleeping go to the store and get over the counter sleeping pills. This will help the mind racing.

[Ronni_W]

She calls him Daddy and he calls her Baby, she wants/needs a dominant man in the sack. If you aren't supplying that need she has and will go elsewhere.

bigfool,

At least follow-up, with your wife, on what jackslife's saying here. If that'll be an uncomfortable conversation, all the more reason to find the courage to do it.

 

It doesn't at all have to mean full-out B&D or S&M...just a bit of role-play to spice things up. Ask her. ('Daniel Rose's Sex God Method' might offer some help and if you want a refresher before you start the convo. If you Google that along with 'free PDF', you'll likely score it.)

[bubbaganoosh]

I want to call the OM's wife and be like do you even know?? I mean seriously how can she not? Or at least suspect something. I feel so sick. Why does everyone think I am such a fool? Ok I guess I am being pathetic but what else can I do. Its so hard to keep my cool right now.

 

OK then call her and let her know whats' going on. My God man you have to stop what your doing and that is looking like the old lady's door mat and start standing up for yourself.

 

The way your acting is a sure fire way of total misery because you wont defend yourself.

[violet1]

Exposure will not work without evidence. Do you have a cell phone? You need to plant a voice activated recorder and plant it in her car. Many cheaters chat with their lovers in their cars. They're pretty cheap at WalMart. Or you can hope she saved the texts and take pictures of them with a camera or a cell if you have one. There's a chance the OM's wife will not believe you without proof.

 

I also suggest you take a step back and control your emotions. Be confident and strong. Make it clear you don't deserve this treatment. Have you spoken to a lawyer? Have you read about the 180? I understand you're blindsided and hurting, but you need to take action. Stop sitting on your thumbs and expecting everything is magically going to be okay. Blaming yourself or begging your wife to want you is NOT going to help.

 

I also think you should see a therapist. It could help you sort through this. Or you could also see your medical doctor and discuss sleeping pills and/or antidepressants. You have so many options, but you need to decide on something and soon. You have a daughter so you can't just make a clean break from your wife. Stay strong and keep posting. Again, I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

[violet1]

One more thing, you have no shot of making it work if your wife doesn't at least admit to what she's done. If she can't tell you the truth than how would you ever be able to trust her again? Without trust your marriage is dead.

 

All this talk that you need to be the man she wants and desire is nonsense. Be a strong and confident man for you not her. What she wants is irrelevant if she won't fess up when you confront her over and over again. Start the 180 and soon like yesterday. You're not a fool so change your thinking. You did nothing wrong by trusting your wife to be faithful.

[ja123]

Seriously WTF is wrong with me? Why do I keep thinking what if it is just a misunderstanding and I'm pushing her away by looking at things? Good grief I need professional counseling or someone to stop over and slap me in the face and wake me up.

 

 

 

I'm really sorry to hear about what's happening, Big.

 

 

This article might help explain the above, though. You are not alone:

 

 

"All-or-nothing thinking about infidelity (your own or your mate's), divorce, or any act that will destabilize a relationship is often a smart—if unconscious—gambit. Consider the alternative: Uncertainty, distrust, and fractured loyalties make for paranoia, heartache, and paralysis. Miller suggests that one of the very functions of mating intelligence may be to navigate the emotional tipping points at which a decision can be made or a behavior acknowledged. "If you have to settle for one strategy or another, and if in-between strategies just aren't viable, then the emotions that motivate those strategies will also have tipping points." In other words, before we make a move, we are better off if we can avoid tormenting ourselves about the signs of an affair, or equivocating about ditching a spouse. Black-or-white thinking protects us from such protracted agony. It may also make our eventual decision (to leave, to cheat) appear rapid and fickle to a perplexed partner. And it explains why, when the light finally goes on, a betrayed spouse is quickly out the door."

 

 

Love's Loopy Logic | Psychology Today