Very afraid

[Darren Steez]

I just don't know what to do. Since the info I have gathered is technically collected in a dishonest way if I am wrong or reading into things she may never forgive me. I mean at first I found things by accident but I feel like everyone thinks I am so stupid. G-damn cell phones and texting so deceitful. I can't stop shaking I guess I'll try and lay down and stare at the ceiling so more. Thank you all for your concern I do really wish I had someone real to talk to but I don't really trust anyone. Technically almost 20 years together now and it means nothing I guess. Kinda sad.

 

I think you're being told what to do. Read the advice and choose which one you want to follow so you can save yourself the heartbreak

[bigfool]

Yay its morning time?? I think I slept an hour or two so that's something I guess. And I get to watch baby girl all day yippee. Oh I'm so full of energy...no wait she is. I really miss my friend. Time to start chugging coffee as if my stomach doesn't hurt already.

[jackslife]

If your wife is having an affair she is not the woman you think you are married to. You are a novice at being a betrayed spouse, she is now well trained in being a wayward wife. She has lied and deceived and without proof she can and will talk her way out of it because you want to believe she isn't.

 

Without more evidence you are flip flapping. Pretend you are a private eye, go online and buy a voice activated recorder. Fit it in her car (under the seat or steering column) and after a few days you can listen to her conversations. Or put a tracking on the car and within a week you'll see where she has been.

 

These things may not be palatable to you, but you need to know and she won't tell you and will deny all if cornered.

 

If she is having an affair you need to know. Suspecting or denying won't alter the facts. Do yourself a favour, use methods to discover the truth and then you can choose your options.

[violet1]

I just don't know what to do. Since the info I have gathered is technically collected in a dishonest way if I am wrong or reading into things she may never forgive me. I mean at first I found things by accident but I feel like everyone thinks I am so stupid. G-damn cell phones and texting so deceitful. I can't stop shaking I guess I'll try and lay down and stare at the ceiling so more. Thank you all for your concern I do really wish I had someone real to talk to but I don't really trust anyone. Technically almost 20 years together now and it means nothing I guess. Kinda sad.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing, but you need to change your thinking. You are NOT stupid or crazy. She doesn't need to forgive you. She's texting some guy calling him daddy and talking about kissing. She shouldn't be texting another man nonstop. If doesn't even matter if she's slept with him or not. This is NOT okay.

 

The thing is she is not going to admit to anything wrong until you have proof. Start gathering evidence right now. Be very careful and keep your cool. You don't want her to suspect anything or she will lie and put the blame on you. Check her phone when she's asleep. Secretly send anything that doesn't look good to your phone. Once you've gathered your evidence than confront and decide what you want to do. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this sh#t.

[violet1]

If your wife is having an affair she is not the woman you think you are married to. You are a novice at being a betrayed spouse, she is now well trained in being a wayward wife. She has lied and deceived and without proof she can and will talk her way out of it because you want to believe she isn't.

 

Without more evidence you are flip flapping. Pretend you are a private eye, go online and buy a voice activated recorder. Fit it in her car (under the seat or steering column) and after a few days you can listen to her conversations. Or put a tracking on the car and within a week you'll see where she has been.

 

These things may not be palatable to you, but you need to know and she won't tell you and will deny all if cornered.

 

If she is having an affair you need to know. Suspecting or denying won't alter the facts. Do yourself a favour, use methods to discover the truth and then you can choose your options.

For one, she's already cheating emotionally for sure. You don't talk about kissing to another man when you're married. There's nothing innocent about having a daddy and baby relationship with another man. Everything else you stated I completely agree with though.

 

To the original poster. I'm a former cheating wife. Take it from me, she will never admit to anything unless you have hard evidence. It's time to go into sleuth mode.

[bigfool]

Please shoot me I just saw more texts about moving out and f'ing I almost threw up in my mouth.

[jackslife]

Try to keep calm. Don't do anything stupid (like shooting her).

 

Tomorrow go find a good lawyer and find out your rights. Also read the posts on the infidelity section. Lots of people have been through what you are going through.

 

Now you know I'm sure you'll get lots of useful advice from gals (and guys) on here who have been through the same and can advise you with a way forward...

[bubbaganoosh]

Please shoot me I just saw more texts about moving out and f'ing I almost threw up in my mouth.

 

If your feeling guilty for snooping, don't If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, then 99% of the time, your right.

 

First thing is to hold on to your proof. Second thing is I live by the rule that if I don't like the way things are heading, I'm not waiting for the train wreck, I'm going to prevent it.

 

That means this. You saw the text messages and I'm hoping you kept a copy of them secure somewhere and extra copies too. Then if it's me, I sit her down, put them in front of her and tell her "OK explain these and before you do, let it be known that if I don't like what your saying, your going to be living someplace else before sun down because I wont be saddled with a cheater so sweetie the balls in your court, you have one and only one chance so you better make it right or your life will be far different from what it is now".

 

Then sit back and show her the text messages, watch her face and her body language (It's how I caught my ex wife) and you know her better than we do so you'll be able to see her reaction right away.

 

Don't give her any wiggle room, just ask who this guy is, why she's sending and receiving inappropriate text messages and let her know if she isn't happy then she can pull up stakes and go with him.

 

I would also let her know that your going to consult a lawyer and if the marriage fails, let it be on her shoulders.

 

Then after you hear what she has to say, you can either try to repair the marriage with her doing the heavy lifting and regaining your trust or end it.

 

When she responds to you make sure you listen to every word she says and if need be, have a VAR in your pocket so later on she can't twist it around. In other words, protect yourself because as they say, there's a fine line between love and hate and when hate comes out, it rears it's ugly head in a big time way.

[2sunny]

Please shoot me I just saw more texts about moving out and f'ing I almost threw up in my mouth.

 

Just tell your wife what you know and to leave now with nothing.

[lolablue17]

I am working on being better and would do anything to stay with her

 

I'm sorry, I think this is your main problem. When you feel like that, you're shrinking yourself to the minimum. You're afraid of the truth and you prefer to look the other way.

 

Start being yourself. Start thinking like an independent man. Leave the cheating for a moment and try to grow balls.

 

First - stop being so paranoid. If she's cheating, she's the one who should be afraid. Afraid from you, from the consequences. You may publish it to her family and friends, not to mention the OM's wife, ect ect...

 

I don't know were you live, but sometimes evidence help. As everyone said here - Take as an assumption that she is cheating and start moving your butt, start gathering evidence.

 

If I were you I wouldn't wait even one moment. I would talk to her and tell her that it's over unless she could figure out how to explain all the texts + mails + phone calls. I would call it off right now and threaten her with exposing everything starting today.

Edited August 31, 2014 by lolablue17

[2sunny]

And where is she? You said you have the baby all day...is your wife working?

[violet1]

Please shoot me I just saw more texts about moving out and f'ing I almost threw up in my mouth.

Stay calm! Secretly send every text to your email and phone. Confront her and tell her you know everything, show her your evidence and ask her to leave. I know this hurts, but you have to be strong for your kid. You will be okay. Keep venting here. We are here to support you.

[No Limit]

She's definitely cheating on you.

 

Even worse, you were obviously programmed/manipulated by your wife. She's been pushing blame onto you for a long tiem and now you think you can do anything to fix this.

 

But it's not. It's all her issues, and with those aggressive reactions of her whenever you bring it up... just don't fall for any ***** like "Ohh I'm so sorry", she won't be truly remorseful.

 

Get an attorney, and start thinking about divorce. And before people boo at me for telling him to end his marriage because of "just a few messages" - just wait a few more days and there'll be your 'very surprising revelation'.

 

Also, seek individual counseling if you can't get over this on your own. Just stay calm.

[loveboid]

I'm guessing you neglected her. She probably told you a million times what she needed and you blew her needs off. Then she stopped asking anything of you and then you thought the marriage was great. amiright? No demands... the dream marriage! Maybe this isn't politically correct or even the case here. Maybe in the long run it'll help you in your next marriage. Maybe not. Good luck. It sounds to me like you both checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Meet her needs or let her go if that's what she needs now.

[bigfool]

I'm guessing you neglected her. She probably told you a million times what she needed and you blew her needs off. Then she stopped asking anything of you and then you thought the marriage was great. amiright? No demands... the dream marriage! Maybe this isn't politically correct or even the case here. Maybe in the long run it'll help you in your next marriage. Maybe not. Good luck. It sounds to me like you both checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Meet her needs or let her go if that's what she needs now.

 

Son of a biscuit I got chills reading that. Thank you for your honesty. I did confront her again today. Said I love her and would do anything to fix things counselor etc. She said she loves me but is not in love with me YIKES She also got angry and denied everything. Now she wants to separate but still stay married? I still wrapping my head around the fact that she cheated and has so little respect for me she cannot tell me the truth. I'm trying to work through it for baby girl but its like I'm forced to eat a triple decker turd sandwich. Why do people lie? You might not like what I have to say but I always try to tell the truth.

 

Another scary thing is when I try to say she is lying she immediately turns it around on me and says I am lying and where is this information coming from.

[lolablue17]

Get an attorney immediately.

 

You are clearly not qualified to handle the situation by yourself.

[bigfool]

Get an attorney immediately.

 

You are clearly not qualified to handle the situation by yourself.

 

Probably not. I just have no hard proof just email excerpts and I cannot save the texts or send them to my phone. Why does life suck so hard sometimes?

[oldshirt]

Son of a biscuit I got chills reading that. Thank you for your honesty. I did confront her again today. Said I love her and would do anything to fix things counselor etc. She said she loves me but is not in love with me YIKES She also got angry and denied everything. Now she wants to separate but still stay married? I still wrapping my head around the fact that she cheated and has so little respect for me she cannot tell me the truth. I'm trying to work through it for baby girl but its like I'm forced to eat a triple decker turd sandwich. Why do people lie? You might not like what I have to say but I always try to tell the truth.

 

Another scary thing is when I try to say she is lying she immediately turns it around on me and says I am lying and where is this information coming from.

 

 

 

- "I love you but am not in love with you (ILYBNILWY) " almost always means that her romantic/sexual feelings have been transferred to someone else...ie an affair.

 

 

- If you want to work things out at this point, absolutely refuse a married separation. A separation being proposed by a cheater is almost universally so they can try on the other person for size but be able to fall back on you if that relationship doesn't pan out.

 

 

You have to take an "all-in or all-out" stance. To stay in marriage she must stay in the home, dump the OM and commit to trying to save the marriage and do counseling, going no contact with OM, addressing marital issues etc etc.

 

 

If she wants to leave the home, then she packs all her sht and leaves for good and you file for divorce and start moving on with your life (including looking for someone else).

 

 

Never accept someone wanting a "break" from marriage. It's either commit to being married and working on marriage - or divorcing and moving on.

 

 

- Her blaming you for everything and responding with anger and counter-attack is right out of the Cheater Handbook.

[bigfool]

- "I love you but am not in love with you (ILYBNILWY) " almost always means that her romantic/sexual feelings have been transferred to someone else...ie an affair.

 

 

- If you want to work things out at this point, absolutely refuse a married separation. A separation being proposed by a cheater is almost universally so they can try on the other person for size but be able to fall back on you if that relationship doesn't pan out.

 

 

You have to take an "all-in or all-out" stance. To stay in marriage she must stay in the home, dump the OM and commit to trying to save the marriage and do counseling, going no contact with OM, addressing marital issues etc etc.

 

 

If she wants to leave the home, then she packs all her sht and leaves for good and you file for divorce and start moving on with your life (including looking for someone else).

 

 

Never accept someone wanting a "break" from marriage. It's either commit to being married and working on marriage - or divorcing and moving on.

 

 

- Her blaming you for everything and responding with anger and counter-attack is right out of the Cheater Handbook.

 

I really want to. I just keep running it through my head. A lot of things don't add up. But it is so hard to not believe someone who has been your life for almost 20 years. The OM has so much more to lose than me too. She tells me he is gay? That she has no romantic feeling for him? So why the sexting?? Maybe as a joke I don't know. I guess denial is more than a river in egypt. Please bear with me. I have a good friend who is very logical and trying to help me too. Yet I feel so alone. I guess I am a fool hence the name. Trying to laugh at my own sorrow sorry.

[BetrayedH]

I did confront her again today. Said I love her and would do anything to fix things counselor etc. She said she loves me but is not in love with me YIKES She also got angry and denied everything.

 

Another scary thing is when I try to say she is lying she immediately turns it around on me and says I am lying and where is this information coming from.

 

What did I tell you about confronting her? What did it accomplish for you?

 

She lied, denied, minimized, gaslighted, and lied some more. Now she knows you're looking (asking where you're getting your information). And you can be damn sure she's deleting whatever she can.

[bigfool]

I know BetrayedH you're totally right banghead. What to do what to do. I was just hoping she would be honest but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. Its so funny well not really but all those stupid sayings end up being true like no one hurts you like the ones you love etc.

[bigfool]

Seriously WTF is wrong with me? Why do I keep thinking what if it is just a misunderstanding and I'm pushing her away by looking at things? Good grief I need professional counseling or someone to stop over and slap me in the face and wake me up.

[Sugar Magnolia]

I just don't know what to do. Since the info I have gathered is technically collected in a dishonest way if I am wrong or reading into things she may never forgive me. I mean at first I found things by accident but I feel like everyone thinks I am so stupid. G-damn cell phones and texting so deceitful. I can't stop shaking I guess I'll try and lay down and stare at the ceiling so more. Thank you all for your concern I do really wish I had someone real to talk to but I don't really trust anyone. Technically almost 20 years together now and it means nothing I guess. Kinda sad.

she is cheating,,, the anger makes it obvious to me, and now she has you freaking out that you snooped, ya, that's what my husband did to me,,,, don't doubt your gut... but don't blow... you need to get your sh** together, if she's acting out of character, she is out of character... gain control,, and sit back and watch,,, you'll know..

Good luck, I know how hard this is,,, my husband lied so much, it made me doubt my sanity..

[violet1]

I know BetrayedH you're totally right banghead. What to do what to do. I was just hoping she would be honest but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. Its so funny well not really but all those stupid sayings end up being true like no one hurts you like the ones you love etc.

You're shooting yourself in the foot here. Now she will be deleting all of her texts. As a former cheating wife I'm telling you the #1 rule is to deny, deny, deny. When my husband caught me I denied it until he started reciting every text he read. She doesn't want to look like the bad guy.

 

Now it's time for you to see an attorney and detach. Have you read up in the 180?

[violet1]

I'm guessing you neglected her. She probably told you a million times what she needed and you blew her needs off. Then she stopped asking anything of you and then you thought the marriage was great. amiright? No demands... the dream marriage! Maybe this isn't politically correct or even the case here. Maybe in the long run it'll help you in your next marriage. Maybe not. Good luck. It sounds to me like you both checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Meet her needs or let her go if that's what she needs now.

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. I used to say the same damn things. I begged my H to go to marriage counseling, he refused. I told him I needed love and affection, he ignored me. I was lonely. At this point I felt entitled to eff around. My biggest regret is not telling my husband either things change or we divorce. It was NOT his fault I cheated. I'm a bit offended that you would imply that it's Bigfool's fault. What about his needs? I'm sure his wife was fulfilling his while she was connecting with another man, right?