Wife is having an affair. So, . Am I in a fog too?

[JHS045]

She also said, fine if that's how I want to play it, we'll get a quickie divorce this weekend, to which I said, No we're not.

[JHS045]

Okay, in that case I wouldn't pay a dime towards her rent. Your daughter can live with you if that's a financial problem for your "wife".

 

Have you talked to an attorney yet?

 

I have talked to an attorney. I haven't retained him yet.

[james1989]

She also said, fine if that's how I want to play it, we'll get a quickie divorce this weekend, to which I said, No we're not.

 

you should have agreed to the quickie divorce and called her bluff and if she was being serious you should have divorced her. she knows you don't want to divorce so she will use that against you. you must be willing to destroy your marriage to save it

[GorillaTheater]

you must be willing to destroy your marriage to save it

 

This marriage? I'd destroy it just to smell the burning wreckage.

 

But he's right, OP. I'm not sure how quick a "quickie divorce" can be in your jurisdiction, but you should have instantly and happily agreed.

[james1989]

The next time she mentions divorce say the words "Im already on it" gauge her reaction

[JHS045]

I texted her: "Okay, we'll do it. We'll get that thing signed this weekend. I'm not going to fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for. You'll have what you want."

 

It's amazing to me because I'm completely comfortable where I'm at right now. My father owns several properties and I'm living in one of them rent free. It's a total batch pad with more potential as I make the spare living area a sort of lounge for my friends to hang out and party in.

 

Her on the other hand, when those bills come in next month, she's going to be feeling it. Granted I'm giving my daughter money but, she's barely going to scrape by.

 

I love her to death, but tough love. Soon as the separation is official, I might actively hound dog it up.

[Darren Steez]

Thanks for the replies, O' wise men.

 

I've been started the 180 already.

 

Although, my anger got a hold of me the other night and I sent a slew of "I can't believe you" texts, exposed to her mother, and work. She was upset of course, but hey...so am I. When she showed up at work and the first thing she heard about was her cheating on me (because I'm well liked at her workplace as well.), she went home upset and embarrassed.

She didn't like having the spot light on the affair.

 

Later on that day, I came to my senses and apologized for the texts. She called me and we talked about it. I'm trying to keep things as cool as possible with her in the event of an ugly divorce.

Ever since, it's been her calling me. I'm trying to 180, but she called me last night asking me how I was doing. I read the consequence letter to her and she said its very nice, but I need to move on. Is this the fog or is she really moved on? I can't tell. Her actions are saying otherwise. She still cares about me. I'm confused.

 

I've already got some new hobbies lined up. Road biking (gonna set up a baby seat on it) and carpentry. Might even join a yoga class. I heard hotties flock to yoga studios.

 

Dude, what about her bringing her man back to your house right in front of you are you not understanding?

 

You're talking about hotties flocking to yoga studios? Yet a)You're not divorced b) You're not over your wife.

 

Frankly you're all over the place, Don't seem to have any goals or focus and are basically just winging it.

 

Are you getting a divorce or are you chasing hotties at yoga studios?

[GorillaTheater]

Great job, man. You'll still have ups and downs, but you're getting into the right frame of mind to tackle this now.

[BetrayedH]

Time to retain that attorney and have him file for you.

 

And don't budge on moving back into your apartment. She's always welcome to move in with the OM (without your daughter).

 

Don't be an ass but don't make any of this easy for her.

 

For what it's worth, I agree with the statement that you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. This is how you fight for your marriage. Don't enable the affair.

[JHS045]

Dude, what about her bringing her man back to your house right in front of you are you not understanding?

 

You're talking about hotties flocking to yoga studios? Yet a)You're not divorced b) You're not over your wife.

 

Frankly you're all over the place, Don't seem to have any goals or focus and are basically just winging it.

 

Are you getting a divorce or are you chasing hotties at yoga studios?

 

Yeah, Darren. It's an emotional roller coaster and this is my first time riding it. I am all over the place. This Friday, I'm seeing my colleagues husband who is a church minister and I'm going to try to sort out my psyche. It might take a few sessions, but I'll get Miss January out of my mind sooner or later.

 

[BetrayedH]

In some jurisdictions, moving out when you're married with children can be construed as abandonment.

 

If you can get a good marital settlement agreement out of her quickly, that's great. But my gut says you'd better have an attorney's advice. The courts won't take lightly to leaving your STBX and daughter in dire straits while you set up a bachelor pad. I'd be more inclined to see you stay in the marital residence, providing your daughter with a stable home while your wife makes the choice to leave her H and kid for another man.

[oldshirt]

Dude, what about her bringing her man back to your house right in front of you are you not understanding?

 

You're talking about hotties flocking to yoga studios? Yet a)You're not divorced b) You're not over your wife.

 

Frankly you're all over the place, Don't seem to have any goals or focus and are basically just winging it.

 

Are you getting a divorce or are you chasing hotties at yoga studios?

 

I agree, you are all over the place and have no focus, no objective, no plan.

 

One of you needs to be a mature adult here.

 

Get a competent lawyer (a real one, not some 2nd cousin of one of your drinking buddies that will do it on the cheap) and follow the lawyers advice.

 

Ans just FYI, there's no such thing as a quickie divorce when there are minor children involved. The courts don't give a squirt of pi$$ about adults that act like morons but they will take the child's welfare seriously, so it doesnt matter if both of you are pissed off and wanting to settle immediately. The court is going to thoroughly review everything relating to the child.

[JHS045]

I just don't want her calling the cops. She IS kind of psycho even without the affair clouding her judgement anyway. She went to her ex-fiance's place of work and busted out his rear windshield. Her mom had to pay for it. She's a real piece of work now that I think about it. Jesus f...ck what was I thinking? I mean, she's always nuts like that, but I was blinded by love. I'm going to try to survive staying there until the weekend. Hopefully she doesn't murder me in my sleep.

 

There I go again. Emotions EVERYWHERE.

[jm2013]

I just don't want her calling the cops. She IS kind of psycho even without the affair clouding her judgement anyway. She went to her ex-fiance's place of work and busted out his rear windshield. Her mom had to pay for it. She's a real piece of work now that I think about it. Jesus f...ck what was I thinking? I mean, she's always nuts like that, but I was blinded by love. I'm going to try to survive staying there until the weekend. Hopefully she doesn't murder me in my sleep.

 

There I go again. Emotions EVERYWHERE.

 

Keep your cools and document everything. If that's the case it will be a breeze for you in court in any custody battle if you desire to gain custody of your kid. Just don't fly off the handle and ruin it.

[Silveron]

JHS,

 

 

Stand up for yourself, use confidence NOT a loud voice. When you get home she is going to yell, scream, insult and threaten. Do NOT engage her. Simply tell her that you will talk to her when she acts appropriately. Let her know her boundaries that if she touches you, the police will be called. Let her also know that you are there because it is your right to be there and to be there with your little girl.

 

 

If she threatens to leave, don't stop her. Also let her know that you will be contacting the police if she takes your daughter since she does not have another safe place to stay.

 

 

If this guy is there, tell him that he must leave at once or the police will be called. Don't hesitate to follow up on these actions! Be strong, you are doing the right thing.

 

 

She will try to intimidate you because she knows you have caved in the past. She does this because she doesn't respect you. Remember you are there to protect your daughter.

[BetrayedH]

JHS,

 

 

Stand up for yourself, use confidence NOT a loud voice. When you get home she is going to yell, scream, insult and threaten. Do NOT engage her. Simply tell her that you will talk to her when she acts appropriately. Let her know her boundaries that if she touches you, the police will be called. Let her also know that you are there because it is your right to be there and to be there with your little girl.

 

 

If she threatens to leave, don't stop her. Also let her know that you will be contacting the police if she takes your daughter since she does not have another safe place to stay.

 

 

If this guy is there, tell him that he must leave at once or the police will be called. Don't hesitate to follow up on these actions! Be strong, you are doing the right thing.

 

 

She will try to intimidate you because she knows you have caved in the past. She does this because she doesn't respect you. Remember you are there to protect your daughter.

 

Great post and worth quoting for emphasis.

[Chi townD]

Do NOT engage her in an argument. She's going to want that in the worst way. And she will say some pretty vile stuff to get your goat. DO NOT BUY INTO IT! She'll tell you how much better in bed this other dude is. How much bigger he is than you (they ALWAYS say this sh*t, so don't believe it). How much she hates you...blah...blah... She do ANYTHING to get you arguing. DON'T DO IT! Make sure you have that VAR with you.

 

 

If she's that much of a nut job and she notices you're not taking the bait, she might get physical with you. If she hits you, CALL THE COPS! You might think that, that's a bitch move, but that is going to help you in the long run if the cops have to remove HER from the house, especially with child custody. If she leaves when you get there, ensure she doesn't take your daughter. If she leaves, note it. Document when she left and how long she's gone for. Your lawyer can call that up and it could be viewed as abandonment by her.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Chi townD

[JHS045]

I can't afford a VAR right now, but I can afford a free iTunes voice recorder app.

[ForeverTainted]

Your glee over impoverishing your daughter's mother while not really ensuring your daughter's safety an well being is alarming. Giving a little money for her? How will that help her in the long run. Before you take delight in what will be your daughters impoverished home life get to a lawyer and get custody. Otherwise you are behaving no better than your wife.

 

The child needs to be first and throwing a little money at her is not putting her first.

[Spectre]

But in a few rare instances, I think going outside the marriage is just a natural response to living with a lazy slug who isn't stepping up to the plate and fulfilling their role as a spouse.

 

Nope, this woman is an adult. I don't care what problems there are..cheating is never a natural response. You know what is? Saying you are unhappy and..if nothing changes? Divorcing. But no, cheating is never EVER a natural response. I do not care how lazy or irresponsible her husband is.

 

It is absolutely disgusting to see this guy blaming himself for these things. He was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but he was also NOT dating someone with the mental capacity of a 4 yr. old. This woman could of spoken up about her issues with the marriage instead of spreading her legs for some other dude.

 

So no, sorry, there will never ever be any excuse for this behavior, nope..not even this rare instance, not unless this woman suddenly stopped being an adult during the relationship. If you are unhappy DO something about it, don't act like a wh*re and cheat.

 

He needs to go boot this woman to the curb, she still has the mentality of a child. Either that or..she just plain doesn't care. Either way, there will still never, ever(and about a thousand more "evers") be an excuse for this.

[jellybean89]

Hang in there. Your life has turned upside down in a matter of days/hours. Of course you are going to second guess some decisions and not everyone will agree with YOUR choices. Yes, you will pay child support to support your kid, but you aren't responsible for supporting the cheater and/or her lover.

 

We are all different and react differently. Don't take people's criticism personally..you have to do things your way. People can give advice, but they don't live your life. Don't become someone who you don't like to satisfy others opinion. You have to live with your choices, and you also have to be able to one day tell your daughter why you & mommy aren't together. You can amicably divorce, and keep your manhood in tact. Just don't let your wife dictate to you that her lover can hang out / sleep over in the home you all shared and you can't do anything about it. That's crap.

 

And if you want to get laid, that's your choice. Think it through. You won't be the first guy to have revenge sex and you won't be the last.

[No Limit]

I heard hotties flock to yoga studios.

 

Yeah, they do.

 

Get an attorney first though for information. And by all means go for the divorce, it will take years for your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex to get herself collected, if ever. Exposing her was a good move, and I'm glad to see you're having plenty of ideas to begin moving forward, but get this settled first and see what you can do for your daughter even when you're not there.

 

If she calls the cops to get you out, that'll serve you in court too. At least no one can blame you for abandonement anymore (unless she's the real psycho type who will have her OM beat her a black eye to blame it on you ).

[oldshirt]

Nope, this woman is an adult. I don't care what problems there are..cheating is never a natural response. You know what is? Saying you are unhappy and..if nothing changes? Divorcing. But no, cheating is never EVER a natural response. I do not care how lazy or irresponsible her husband is.

 

It is absolutely disgusting to see this guy blaming himself for these things. He was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but he was also NOT dating someone with the mental capacity of a 4 yr. old. This woman could of spoken up about her issues with the marriage instead of spreading her legs for some other dude.

 

So no, sorry, there will never ever be any excuse for this behavior, nope..not even this rare instance, not unless this woman suddenly stopped being an adult during the relationship. If you are unhappy DO something about it, don't act like a wh*re and cheat.

 

He needs to go boot this woman to the curb, she still has the mentality of a child. Either that or..she just plain doesn't care. Either way, there will still never, ever(and about a thousand more "evers") be an excuse for this.

 

 

 

I said it was a natural response, not a 'right' one.

 

 

Ignore and neglect your spouse for 6 months, a year, two years, ten years and see what they do. see how many of them follow proper protocols and discuss their issues and give you fair warning and then file for divorce and wait until the ink on divorce decree is dry before they start taking up with someone else.

 

 

Guess how many are going to actually do that? 1 out of 10? 2 out of 10?

 

 

Sorry, it just doesn't work that way for the vast majority of people. The reality is the vast majority of people DO try to tell their partner of their dissatisfaction but they don't hear it or respond in an effective manner and so they line up their next love interest long before cutting the ties with the old.

 

 

May not be right and it may not make people feel good but it is the reality.

[atreides]

I said it was a natural response, not a 'right' one.

 

 

Ignore and neglect your spouse for 6 months, a year, two years, ten years and see what they do. see how many of them follow proper protocols and discuss their issues and give you fair warning and then file for divorce and wait until the ink on divorce decree is dry before they start taking up with someone else.

 

 

Guess how many are going to actually do that? 1 out of 10? 2 out of 10?

 

 

Sorry, it just doesn't work that way for the vast majority of people. The reality is the vast majority of people DO try to tell their partner of their dissatisfaction but they don't hear it or respond in an effective manner and so they line up their next love interest long before cutting the ties with the old.

 

 

May not be right and it may not make people feel good but it is the reality.

 

 

I know this is a discussion with Spectre but i want to add that infidelity has nothing to do with marital problems... it is it's own form of addiction. I guess using natural or any other word to say x behavior will then elicit infidelity from their spouse is not so.

I have seen both sides from families close to me and my own. Most of those that divorced did so with out infidelity but there was also a lot of infidelity as well.

The flip side of the coin in infidelity are those that have no severe marital issues and yet infidelity occurs and is a surprise and yet admitted by the WS post realization that there were no real issues that would warrant infidelity (i can think of quite a few on LS)... so in my opinion the two should not have a connection and it is sad to see BSs many of them, not all, but many that blame themselves.

 

So to the OP, hang in there

[2sunny]

So what happened when you got home?