Moocher or Good Housewife?

[Got it]

There is the saying, "some people watch things happen, some people talk about things happening and some people make sh%t happen." I realized I am someone that makes things happen and really only respect others who are similar.

 

Life is too short to sit and let it idly pass one by and I think a great insult to the amazing gift of life. BUT that is each person's choice. I just don't find myself compatible with someone like that and was one of the major dealbreakers with my ex husband.

 

I have little respect for those that sit there complaining about their life, choices, or lack of choices and allow fear to dictate what they do or don't do and stay in a perpetual state of unhappiness/disconnect. Life is hard, we all deal with stresses but a spouse is not a parent and isn't there to make life go super easy for someone so one can sit back on their laurels.

 

OP - I would suggest therapy again with the understanding and game plan that you are at a cross roads that things either improve in areas x, y, and z to whatever degree is necessary or you two part ways.

 

That is where I got on things. I couldn't deal with the decade of depression with no interest in getting better and no drive to do anything or to live life. I was drowning and felt like he was clinging to me to stay afloat. And I didn't respect him for it. And a man/woman deserves to be respected by their SO.

[Ron103]

I just had lunch with my wife. She told me about how our 14 year old nephew is getting his first job. He didn't want to do it and my wife was telling him on the phone how he'd be able to buy the game he's been wanting if he works and how it was good that her sister is making him get a job.

 

As you can imagine, I found this painfully ironic. So, I then asked, "So have you thought of where else you're going to apply?" I got a cold, "No." Then she went on to talk about how bad her headaches were and how she thinks that she can't work at all right now because any sort of work is draining and gives her migraines. This was kind of suspect because she had gone grocery shopping earlier and she picked me up for lunch (we were lent a car while some friends from church are on a month long vacation). I guess that doesn't count as work? Also, while it does seem like her head may be hurting her, it's quite different from when my brother had a concussion from football back in highschool. She thinks she had a concussion from hitting her head on the greyhound bus 2 weeks ago. I really can't say conclusively if she did or didn't and I have no idea how bad her headaches are, but if they really are migraines I think she'd be in bed all day or just sitting in a chair like my brother did so often. She said she wants to give it another week before seeing the doctor.

 

She said she felt extremely anxious because she can't work because she gets headaches and sick all the time (note it's never anything like a visibly observable fever, the flu, etc.) but she can't go to the doctor because we don't have the money unless she works. I asked about the numbness in her hands and the pulsating feeling she felt up her arms. I don't remember what she said but I replied somewhat sarcastically and mostly out of exasperation that the symptoms reminded me of a mutual friend from church who had MS. While those symptoms were similar I was mostly being sarcastic, but she didn't pick up on it and then she got really upset. She asked why would I suggest that she had MS. I told her I didn't, it's just that the numbness and tingly feelings sounded really bizzare, kind of like this girl we knew. Then she got tears in her eyes and said she felt really overwhelmed and that I should go back to school. So yeah...

[CarrieT]

Oh, Ron...

 

This all does not bode well. I truly believe she is going to start manifesting all sorts of symptoms that will keep her from working and you will - as someone else said - have an albatross around your neck.

 

The big question will be: Is this what you want and what steps need to be taken to head this offer sooner rather than later...

 

I don't have the answer, but the fact that you are starting to look at the big picture is a good first step. I'm sure many others will chime in on suggested routes to take. Personally, I don't see your marriage standing the test of time based on everything you have written about your relationship, wife, wife's family, and your drive to succeed which seems diametrically opposed to her core being and existence.

[Ron103]

Oh and another thing. I knew I had forgotten another medical problem and I just now remembered it. She wants me to buy some mastic gum from Amazon to help heal her stomach ulcer. She has wanted to do this since our trip to see her family 2 weeks ago. She very well may have an ulcer, but I doubt it's from being sick. I bet it's from worrying all the time.

 

Stress can give you serious ulcers and other health issues and I'm beginning to think that my wife's childhood, growing up without a dad but having a fake formerly abusive stepdad around who showed love to her siblings but not her, her serious eating disorder where she almost died, and growing up with a hoarder mom (almost as bad as that tv show) has just permanently affected who she is.

[Mr. Lucky]

Considering your ability to thoroughly document all her issues, shortcomings and deficiencies, I simply don't understand how and why you married her 18 short months ago.

 

You don't seem well matched in temperament, goals or ambitions, much less sexually. So I guess I'm as puzzled by your motives as you seem be by hers...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ron103]

Why'd we get married?

 

We are both very passionate about volunteering and helping change social issues and inequality. That was something we very much connected on when we were dating. We also connected on books as we both love reading. Then there was health, I was fascinated by all that she knew about health. It was not until later that I realized that this was mostly due to her former eating disorder, and even then I didn't see that as a problem, but after being married I see how she still swings back and forth from eating really unhealthy and hardly exercising to eating super healthy/only raw foods and juices etc. That part has gotten better this year now that I am gentler with her. When we first got married I was super confused and upset because she talked so much about health and that was a turn on to me and then she gained like 35 pounds - again the issue being expectations and work ethic much more than weight. We also connected on social behavior. She knew a lot about people's motives from growing up in her situation and also just being socially astute. I knew a lot as I worked a lot with foreign governments in my previous job, so it was fun to talk about that. Then lastly religion and worldview. She was incredibly and still is incredibly passionate about God. Since we got married, however, I've become more liberal. Reading the Bible more has actually led me to see certain issues where things seem to contradict each other, etc. Even so, I knew, or thought I knew, that above all else Proverbs 31:30 - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. And she was very pretty and has a good sense of humor too.

 

So, those are lots of good things and we connected pretty well, even incredibly over the phone. In person sometimes there were issues. Like when we kissed I did not feel a spark as with previous gfs. Our first kiss was awful. I didn't know she had gum in her mouth. I talked with some people at church bout this and they basically just said that it was because we were pushing the limits physically and that we should back off and things will work out once you're married. This is not something that I think I would tell my children in the future. I think chemistry is really a big deal. Yes, all marriages require work, but some things are just easier when they are natural. I thought it was weird that we couldn't go hiking without her having to turn around after 15 minutes to pee because she was taking pills to keep her from bloating which basically made her pee all the time. I thought it was kind of weird that she thought going over the speed limit was a sin, but whatever, and I thought that it was really dumb that she thought Jesus drank grape juice and not alcohol. I talked to her about how pasteurization wasn't invented until the 19th century and thus it was basically impossible for people to be drinking grape juice year round 2000 years ago without it going wine and showed other evidence and now she also believes they actually drank alcohol in the Bible.

 

Also, she was incredibly good with children and knew a lot about teaching. The fact that she said that she wanted to have sex every day when she got married was a big plus to me, I mean, in my experience I knew that women are just as sexual as men are, but with my conservative Bible belt past there was always something inside me that sort of doubted or was cautious about that, making anyone that said they had a high sex drive a catch. Also, since this is an internet forum and I'm not talking to relatives or a pastor or something I'll just go ahead and say that in previous relationships I had oral sex but that was it. Eventually I realized that it was pretty hypocritical (many growing up in church ask how far is too far) but didn't want to just go all the way just because so I may as well still wait. So I didn't want to wait until I was 26, 27...30s to actually have sex with someone I loved, so getting engaged at 24 sounded like a good idea. Also I liked that she was tall because I wanted tall children. Something that sounds cool but now I realize is really not remotely as important as things like physical chemistry or especially socioeconomic status or education equality. Anyway...

 

Basically, yeah I was naive. I get it.

 

Also, she was probably even more naive than me. She told me that God told her we were supposed to get married through a sign. Of course, she also asked God to give her a sign if she was supposed to go to the ER, she woke up in the middle of the night with that sign, and we rushed off (me not even wearing a shirt or shoes because she was yelling at me that she was dying) thinking she was dying only to find out it was a panic attack. So yeah... pretty embarrassing. But I don't know any of you in person, so I guess it doesn't matter if you think of me less, which probably makes this easier to open up on.

[GorillaTheater]

But I don't know any of you in person, so I guess it doesn't matter if you think of me less, which probably makes this easier to open up on.

 

Most of us are here because we f*cked up on something, somehow. Nobody thinks the less of you. Based on what you're writing I think the hearts of most of us are going out to you.

 

Question is, what's your plan?

[Mr. Lucky]

Understood. But it seems hypocritical to judge her so harshly now given your voluntary and "eyes open" commitment to her such a short time ago. I'd assume all the qualities and ties that were appealing then are similarly attractive now, right?

 

You seem to be in "glass half empty" mode...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MissBee]

Looking forward towards the future, the repeated failures in school is going to become more of a problem.

 

OP, as you grow in life - and your education - I feel you are going to become more bitter at attaching yourself to someone who continually enrolls to further her education, but repeatedly comes up short in those capabilities.

 

Before you go and buy a television, perhaps re-directing the funds to a tutor or someone that can help her pass the necessary classes for a higher education would be a better choice?

 

Lastly, now that you have posted your sexual differences, I don't feel this relationship will bode well in the long run. You two have vastly differing views of companionship, life choices, and compatibility. She is going to mire in her abilities as you will grow into new ones and leave her behind; intellectually, emotionally, and sexually.

 

I agree with CarrieT.

 

My initial thought reading your opening post was wondering besides from her being sweet and nice why did you marry her? Lots of women I'm sure are sweet and nice, but marriage is more than that. It seems in terms of ambition level, life goals, drive etc. you two are not very compatible. And even though she didn't hold up her end (get a degree and support you all while you did grad school) you still married her and went along with it...why? In what ways are you two good partners in life?

 

I don't think she is a moocher necessarily, she just seems like someone who is not very driven or ambitious which is the opposite of you, and that seems like a problem. She seems content to work at Starbucks, or a Smoothie place or get $16 for babysitting and she doesn't seem at all to be aspiring for better....she seems like the type who never will want more for herself than just getting by and it's about whether or not that's okay with you?

 

Perhaps you should see a marital counselor together along with your own individual counseling to express your feelings in an open environment and to figure out where to go from here.

 

For me, having an education and a way to provide for yourself and at the least a DRIVE to make your life better is non-negotiable. Nothing is wrong with homemakers, but you all NEVER agreed on that. Being a homemaker doesn't mean you have no other ambition in life either and I think part of being a good team and partner is picking up the slack. If I were a housewife but my husband's income was currently low and we were struggling, especially if we have no kids, there is NO reason why I wouldn't start hustling and doing EVERYTHING I can to assist. I'd try harder in school or do a trade course where in some months you can be certified to do some kind of vocation, I'd apply to multiple jobs...I would not stop trying until something worked. That's my attitude and because of that I couldn't be with someone who was lackadaisical and kind of blase about stuff. Your wife just seems unmotivated and not the type who thinks like that...I doubt she will change...but you can go to counseling and see if a compromise can be struck or if you two maybe aren't of similar enough drives to have a solid future.

[Ron103]

One of the big issues wit counseling is cost. The school counseling is free for me since I am a student, but it wouldn't be free to both of us. We actually did go to church counseling last summer/fall together and then individually this spring.

 

I honestly do not think that church counseling helped us all that much, so I am very much looking forward to doing it through school with a secular counselor. I talked to 3 different people through church, including 2 pastors, one of which we went to together. Our pastor, and then a church elder basically told me to love my wife like Christ loved the church, to read some books, and work on communication. The church elder said not to complain about my wife if she wasn't around. I was pretty confused by that, because I didn't say anything other than what I've said here, except basically what happened last year.

 

My pastor said not to ever bring up anything about weight to women. I asked him if it was a sin to lie and of course he said yes. So, then what am I supposed to say if she asks me "did you think I was prettier when we got engaged than I am now?" I would always try to dodge the question but then I'd say something like "I think you are really pretty, but I would like it if you put forth the kind of effort that you did when we were dating." Which would then cause massive problems. Our pastor basically told me to lie, but then said that we should just work on our communication. That seems contradictory. Note, the whole weight thing isn't really even a big deal to me, and I don't even really care anymore. It's all about effort.

 

We went to couples counseling with the education pastor. He helped us some and we read some pretty good books. She did not like his needs her needs however.

 

At the end of the day, nobody we talked to said that she should do more. We just talked about communication and expectations etc. This is why I just think a lot of this may be cultural. I just felt that there was this "let women be women," approach to things, which I would have found very insulting if I was a woman. I mean, how do you girls feel? My mom stayed home for a while and she was great, but she was always busy. Actually technically she has always been staying at home for the past 15 years, but she started an educational testing service for special needs kids, homeschools, private schoolers, gifted kids, etc. and she works from home. My sister graduated HS a year early and is currently in architecture school, but she's already doing work for 2 firms on the level that a licensed architect usually does. My grandma is in her late 70s but helps manage a food bank and resource center for the poor and is constantly traveling - she went to Greece and Turkey with a friend for her birthday this year. My other grandma ran her own florist shop and then got into county government and was head of voter registration and whatever the county level of FEMA is. It's kind of weird, bu I never thought about the influence that these women had on my life and on my perceptions of gender until I got married. They just seemed so... you know momlike, mild mannered, and conservative that I kinda looked over the fact that all the women in my wife were well... total bosses and my male relatives are completely the same and therefore it just seemed normal. It's pretty embarrassing that I didn't think of this earlier. A lot of getting married was that I thought she would make me a better person because she was so faith centered and that it was the most important thing above all. My family also loved her. Also, perhaps most of all I felt like she understood me deeper than nobody else did. It seemed certainly like that while we were dating, but not at all now that we are married and other things like economics, politics, world events, etc etc come up that we didn't talk much about before.

 

Anyway, as for a plan, I think right now I'm looking at a Thanksgiving time frame. I am encouraging her to get a job, etc. but ultimately I can't make her. Last year I literally told her we were driving around handing out resumes, I did most of her resume, and we spent a long time at various places with her crying in the car because she didn't want to do it or it wasn't the right time or whatever, only to apply to 3 places after we printed out like 18 resumes. I can't do that again. If I have to do that then she's not doing it on her own and it defeats the point. Just like that my dad wanted to give us money for a bike. I told him no because if people keep bailing us out there is less incentive for her to take an active part in contributing to our finances. If things don't change by Thanksgiving then I think I will just go visit family by myself and then possible separation when I get back. I will probably need to come up with some sort of ultimatum. I'll talk to the counselor about that on teusday.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Ron103

[Mirages]

Ron I have read your recent posts.

 

If you both had the courage, I would recommend signing up with World Vision, for a year of service in a foreign orphanage. The stark change, need all over, and strong appreciation would give both of you some of what is needed= appreciation & motivation to thrive. I know, it is pretty far out, but hey.

 

Counseling is over-rated a bit. If you both are well read (you say you are), and intelligent, it is possible to get frustrated with a counselor's lack of anything extra to offer. They are not a wizard with Solomon's wisdom. Biblically if you consider Titus 3, and Matthew 18, you get some insight into how to handle a person's problems, direct incremental communication. I don't do the "Don't talk about weight." Right or wrong, I kindly deliver the truth.

[Turtles]

You are the poster child of why people should not marry before 30... You had to find out who you were first.

 

Don't feel like I am judging you - I made the same mistake.

[CarrieT]

Don't feel like I am judging you - I made the same mistake.

 

I did too...

 

And the marriage I had in my 20s was 25+ years ago - before there was an internet to be able to talk through these issues, which is why us "oldies" are here, trying to dissuade 20-somethings from getting married.

 

OP, you both have *so much* growing to do as individuals; it sounds like neither of you were fully aware of what it meant to bind yourself to another in matrimony.

 

Your story of 18 résumés and only 3 applications - and these fraught with tears - just breaks my heart. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, but she also sounds completely incapable of taking care of herself. You, sir, already have a child to take care of; please take precautions to not add to your burden.

[Lisey9]

At the end of the day, nobody we talked to said that she should do more. We just talked about communication and expectations etc.

So you're just looking for a counselor who is going to validate your values and point of view?

 

It is not a counselor's place to say "Oh yes Ron103, you are correct, your wife is lazy and should do more." They are talking about communication and expectations, because aside from divorce that is your only option. As most posters have pointed out already there is a huge mismatch between your expectations of your wife and marriage and her expectations of marriage. This was not well communicated before marriage, by one or both of you, and now you find yourself miserable because she is falling short of your expectations.

 

Seeing a secular counsel will probably be a similar experience, except they will encourage you to think about whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. In other words, what you are going to do if nothing changes.

[stillafool]

 

 

Last night I came back for dinner and she started crying because she said she never sees me. I held her and told her I wish I saw her more too, but I have to work and do school. Then when I got back from my evening class she tried to make popcorn in the crockpot because we haven't turned our stove on in our new apt since it's gas operated/requires $ to set up and it didn't work out. She also made us a scrabble game by cutting out pieces of notecards since I like scrabble. None of it worked and she started crying and I just felt awful. If she had a job we wouldn't have had to try using the slowcooker to make popcorn and we could have gotten a really board game. I also felt awful because I know she wanted to make me happy, but it was just apples to oranges.

 

 

You've got to be upfront with her about how you feel. Tell her to stop the crying when you leave because you have to go to work and school in order to have a better life. Tell her you are BITTER because you thought the two of you had the same goals and now she doesn't have a job. Tell her you want her to get a job, any job and go back to school. Remind her of the conversations you had about this before you married. Tell her you feel cheated. Do not let her tears make you cave in. Just tell her the truth. If you keep this inside of you it will make your marriage unbearable. Your wife is acting like a 12 year old instead of a woman in her mid twenties. I really don't see how you put up with her, I would be out of my mind by now and headed for Divorce Court.

[Ron103]

First of all, I'm not sure how I can make it more clear, but we had this problem last year and fought a lot and I literally drove her around to places to hand out her resume. She would only go into 3. I have done this on multiple occasions, it just happens that this year she had a good nannying job from March until August. She knew it was ending in August, and I was gone all of July and she didn't apply anywhere while I was gone. I have been up front with her. Now that that is clear.

 

 

This morning things escalated to a new level. She wanted to go to the doctor because of her headaches and fever. I couldn't feel any fever and she seemed perfectly happy and energetic to go grocery shopping and to buy her sister a birthday gift before we talked. I asked if she had bought a thermometer, which she hadn't. I told her we should wait the weekend, maybe buy a thermometer to follow her temperature (she didn't feel hot at all), etc. She got upset with me and told me that she doesn't see how I don't think that her headaches and fever are from her hitting her head on the greyhound bus 2 weeks ago. She got really mad at and said she was tired of me not taking her sicknesses seriously so she slammed the door and ran out.

 

I think she could see the apathy on my face. Maybe apathy is not the right word, but we go through issues like this so often... I can't even keep up with all the things she has going on, but over the past 36 hours she's had headaches, a panic attack, a fever twice (not sure how it comes and goes that quick in 36 hours), blood clots, stomach ulcers (which are probably real and probably from stress), and random shooting pains and numbness in her arms and hands. She said that I'm the only one who isn't taking this seriously. Her friends from Bible study showed concern and told her she should go to a doctor. Of course they did, because they weren't there when she went to the ER twice only for them to find nothing wrong with her, or when she erroneously thought she had contracted oral herpes and then given us genital herpes, or when she thought she had morgellons which may not even be a real disease, or when she got cat scans and blood work done and they couldn't find anything wrong with her but the symptoms "probably" sounded like gall bladder problems, or... I could go on and on. Of course I'm going to be hesitant for her to go to the doctor, they never find anything wrong with her. We have a $100 doctor's bill left to pay from her last visit and although we got paid today I still haven' bought books but she went out and bought her sister several birthday presents without talking about it first with us.

 

When I went out into the living room we had another argument. She told me that I didn't appreciate all the things she did for me. Like cooking, giving me a massage after a long day, washing my clothes, etc. I flat out said, "honestly, I'd rather you get a job." She told me that she would leave and see how I missed all that she did for me then. I would have laughed except it was such a serious threat. I mean, come on, how did I ever manage to cook and wash my own clothes before I got married? It's not that I don't appreciate those things, but holy **** She's a decent to good cook, but honestly that's really not any better than me. It's not like she's staying at home to make me 5 star meals and yeah she wants sex a lot but it's not like I'm coming home to her in lingerie acting seductive or giving me even, you know, just flirting back with me.

 

She told me that I should have married someone else. Someone with a four year degree. I told her that there were plenty of people without a degree that were working full time. She told me there was no way she could work in her medical condition so I replied with, how about, if the doctor's visit is less than $100 we have them check to see if you're medically capable of holding down a job, and if they say yes then you agree to apply to 7 new jobs. She wouldn't do it. She threatened to leave. She said she's going back home. How? We don't have a vehicle. I highly doubt she leaves. I highly doubt she even goes to stay at a friend's tonight. She'll probably just be super upset and cry a lot. I'll go to Bible Study without her tonight and tell everyone she's sick, because well that's what she says she is. I dunno, we will see, but I have to get back to work.

 

I almost kind of want her to leave and then ask me for a divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

I highly doubt she leaves. I highly doubt she even goes to stay at a friend's tonight. She'll probably just be super upset and cry a lot. I'll go to Bible Study without her tonight and tell everyone she's sick, because well that's what she says she is. I dunno, we will see, but I have to get back to work.

 

I almost kind of want her to leave and then ask me for a divorce.

You sound absolutely contemptuous of her. Why not man up and start proceedings your self ? Hard to be married to someone you nether like nor respect...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

Why not man up and start proceedings your self ?

This is a really good question, Ron.

 

You want her to be strong enough to file for divorce when she isn't strong enough to look for a job?

 

Maybe it is time to call the façade of a marriage to a close and begin to move apart.

[2sunny]

The agreement you had when you two married has been broken.

 

She hasn't kept her word and it appears she will find any excuse not to obtain work.

 

Having the government fund you isn't reasonable when you have two people in your home capable of earning money.

 

Why should we (the people) work to support you two?

 

If she won't get work full time within a week (meaning going to a real job) then tell her to leave after the week passes.

 

If you set no consequences - she will continue to have new illnesses always - that will be her reason for not working.

 

If she intends to mooch off men - let her go find someone else to mooch off of.

[Ron103]

Well, there's 2 reasons to be cautious and not go ahead and file for a divorce.

 

First, I want to be tactful. I'm thinking through this carefully. It will probably sound better if she left me and we got a divorce than if I just kick her out.

 

Also, well, in the past I was worried about what my family would think. I come from a pretty conservative Christian family too. Not as conservative as hers, but definitely still Bible belt. Divorce is pretty taboo, and my mom has cancer a 2nd time and I don't want to disappoint her at this stage of her life. I've talked to my dad about her not working and he seems fully understanding though we never talked about separation at all. But I think I'm coming to the point where I'm so fed up that, maybe I don't really care. Also, I really love my inlaws, especially my nephews. Their dad was an abusive druggy and hasn't been around for most of their (11 and 14) lives. Actually there's a court ordered restraining order and then some against him. They really look up to me and I'd feel like such a **** bag if I was no longer in their lives. They need good male role models. Also I'd probably lose the relationship I have with the pastor/family friend that married us. He's like a second dad to me, and I know that his family would still love me, but they believe divorce is a sin, divorce at no cost, and I'd never hear the end of it/our relationship would never be the same. Social constructs are huge, but at the same time I can't imagine myself starting a family with this girl, and that's absolutely huge.

 

I just think that this is very serious and that I should pray about it, talk some more, and give it a little more time. I don't want to pull the trigger right away because I'm finally seriously considering divorce. That doesn't mean I won't look into it, because I am going to. It just means I'm not going to go to a lawyer today.

 

Also right now we don't have the money for her to fly home and it would be pretty messy to try to kick her out. I guess that's another reason I have been less aggressive about this for the past 5 months, I was so tired of fighting all the time and I need my energy for school and work. However, my second scholarship does come in at the end of September/early October, so maybe I shouldn't worry about this.

Edited August 29, 2014 by Ron103

[2sunny]

Money to fly home? Let her take the bus or a train.

 

You can find out from any courthouse what the best way is to file - they might have a help desk.

 

Start checking your resources.

[Mr. Lucky]

First, I want to be tactful. I'm thinking through this carefully. It will probably sound better if she left me and we got a divorce than if I just kick her out.

Which Christian principles emphasize prioritizing appearance over conviction?

 

I'm confused as to how you can believe in this strongly enough to end your marriage - but not so strongly that you want to be the one to do it?

 

You seem smart enough that I'm sure you can pin the tail on her donkey. Just doesn't seem to be in keeping with the values you've presented...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

What a mess. She sounds lost, immature, and depressed. I am sure she is picking up on your concerns, which may be exacerbating the situation.

 

What does she see happening here? Does she really expect you to shoulder the entire financial burden, even before you have kids? Have you asked her this? Have you told her it's not what you want?

 

I am guessing a separation would do her a ton of good. Nothing like a breakup to motivate someone to take better care of themselves and get their a!ht together. Or maybe it won't... Maybe she is one of those people who will always be a slacker and an underachiever. She's still young, so it's hard to say.

 

Either way that's probably not the answer you're looking for. I see her issues as running to deep to be fixable within the context of marriage. You gotta love yourself first, as they say, and I think she's too lost to be capable of that right now.

[Mirages]

Which Christian principles emphasize prioritizing appearance over conviction?

Ahh, all to common, none!

 

Ron I think that worrying about what other's think is something that must be gotten over. During divorce I ended up calling key individuals into meetings, looking them in the eye with the facts, and those that I kept, good. Those that I lost were themselves a bit emotionally bagged and depressed, if they want me later, that is fine. I live for God and I, not for my village. Make sense?

 

One social experiment that might teach us something is to approach her about a week or two of service with you in the mission field, either US or 3rd world. If approached in the mindset of your love for her, and thinking this would really improve things between you two, etc. The inspiration will likely overcome her hesitance and claimed medical woes. I'd like to hear her response to this. This trip will also bolster your reputation as a couple with whoever in the family you seem to be concerned with. I suspect that with honest presentation your family would cover the nominal costs.

 

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[stillafool]

She told me that I should have married someone else. Someone with a four year degree. I told her that there were plenty of people without a degree that were working full time. She told me there was no way she could work in her medical condition so I replied with, how about, if the doctor's visit is less than $100 we have them check to see if you're medically capable of holding down a job, and if they say yes then you agree to apply to 7 new jobs. She wouldn't do it. She threatened to leave. She said she's going back home. How? We don't have a vehicle. I highly doubt she leaves. I highly doubt she even goes to stay at a friend's tonight. She'll probably just be super upset and cry a lot. I'll go to Bible Study without her tonight and tell everyone she's sick, because well that's what she says she is. I dunno, we will see, but I have to get back to work.

 

I almost kind of want her to leave and then ask me for a divorce.

 

Tell her if a doctor diagnoses her as disabled then she does not have to get a job (right now). If not, get to work. I'm not against a mate staying home (AFTER MANY DECADES OR WORK). So tell her she can stay home once she gets 30 years of work or more behind her.

 

The next time she threatens to leave and go home tell her okay to make the arrangements. She uses her tears to control you. Stop giving in to her or you're going to have a bigger problem than you do now.

 

My goodness I can't imagine how she will be if she ever gets pregnant. You will be taking her to the doctor on a daily basis, she will be too sick to do housework or cook. God help you when the baby arrives because you'll have to take care of them both. Her crying in one room and the baby crying in the other. You poor thing!