Finally ready...

[Eighty_nine]

No sooner did I post, he texted me. He said 'I haven't forgotten about you.' His friends in town and he's been on a surf trip this week. That was more than I expected to hear from him and very sweet to reassure me. Haven't responded yet, I'm on way to meet girlfriends. Now what?

 

This is the thing I've noticed about men like these: we form reasonable expectations about how they'll behave based on our initial positive interactions with them. Then they let us way down and throw out 'crumbs' which we are suddenly happy to have because of that initial big let down. this is manipulation!

[WonderKid]

The very things I have stated are showing. "I haven't forgotten about you" that's something I say to a woman I have in the back burner. You say you don't want a FWB.

 

So I ask. What are you getting out of all this? Do you honestly feel this is something that can progress to anything positive? For you? If he would've kept contacting you before; like a simple "hey there how's your day" or "good morning", then he wouldn't HAVE to text "I haven't forgotten about you". Men look at their phones almost as much as women do. It's no excuse so stop giving him excuses. You're too mature for this. All these emotions and analytics you are thinking, he's not 1% thinking anything of the same sort. It's okay to want to be respected but geez you don't have to go through THIS much for some respect.

 

Go out with your girlfriends more and hit on other guys. You are too invested in this guy in my opinion. You are giving him emotional accesses that he doesn't deserve.

[venusishername]

Go out with your girlfriends more and hit on other guys.

 

Ha! I'm sorry, of everything you said, this stuck out to me the most and I had to laugh. Yeah, those days were over for me once I hit my late twenties and all my girlfriends got married or coupled. You just don't scope for men that way anymore. At least I don't. I've never had to go out and hit on guys.

Anyway, I see the points in everything you all are saying. Maybe it's not so much about him keeping me on the back burner as it is my expectations got the better of me, because what I said is that it's only been three weeks, three dates, and five days is not a huge deal. The only reason I think I'm making it more than it actually is on its face and emotionally getting caught up in it is because I really like the guy and am excited to move this along and continue seeing him.

Let me ask you this: I know you all are naysaying this and telling me this will never be what I want, and that's he's not worth it, but what the hell. I met a man I really like, who likes me, we just recently met and are getting to know each other and we are very attracted to each other and enjoy each others' company very much, we have fun, it's romantic and he's affectionate and kind, and we have a connection that we are both wanting to explore. So what is wrong with me continuing to see and think about him because it makes me HAPPY to feel this way again?? I can't tell you how rare it is for me to meet someone I actually like and who is up to my standards. I've been with some losers in my life.

 

 

How is this now different than weeks ago when LS'ers were telling me to reel in my expectations and go with the flow, etc? Just because we made it to date three and are still in contact does that now change? All my friends are telling me to just enjoy it, take it easy, let it happen, be happy.

The reason I'm anxious is because of ME and my own insecurities I need to keep in check, not dependent on actions of another.

Edited September 6, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

I think it would be a good idea for me to take a little break from LS. I'm tiring of talking about it and obsessing and I think that posting and checking the thread isn't helping my cause for the time being.

I get what you are all saying, that I shouldn't make him a priority. He hasn't contacted me again after last night to set up a date, so I'm just going to go about my weekend and week. I'm not going to jump or take the 'crumbs' going forward, and I do intend to put on the brakes with the physical stuff.

I realize that I shouldn't take this seriously and instead focus on my life; if I see him or hear from him it will be the icing on the cake, not the cake. I can't discount or minimize the excitement I feel and the mutual interest, which I have enjoyed but when I re-read my posts, I realize that I need to reel in my expectations.

I'll post again maybe next week sometime.

[BluEyeL]

You know, Venus, I will tell you this story. I used to have a dating coach. i took this business of finding a partner very seriously, so I paid a dating coach to help me. Eventually, she annoyed me and I fired her. I fired her for telling me the truth, for telling me what I didn't want to hear, pretty much for telling me what we're telling you for free here.

 

Now that I met someone who IS doing what a guy who is really interested in a relationship does, not just paying lip service to this noble idea, I look back at the guys that didn't work out and realize how right the coach was. I just wanted to be allowed to behave bad, to hurt myself.

 

Same here with you. Knock yourself out, and yes, I understand perfectly why you want to take a break from LS.

[WonderKid]

If it is working for you, then you obviously know what you are doing and shouldn't have any more pondering to do. I've been through my shares of what you are going through. If you get to more dates and have more sex I guess that is all cool. To me, it seems like you are content with how things are now. I wish you luck. Just remember. He's not on the same emotional level you are.

[HappyLove]

"it's romantic and he's affectionate and kind"

 

A man who doesn't contact a woman for 5 days after intimacy is anything but romantic, affectionate and kind.

[venusishername]

I know you all aren't big fans of this guy, and seem to think that this is only a FWB possibility, and I'm not annoyed with anyone's comments and wanting to 'be bad and hurt myself', I just was thinking obsessively about it and coming to LS kind of aggravated that anxiety...

Anyway, I'm not feeling so hurt or anxious about this anymore. Maybe the break from the negativity helped, along with the fact that he continued contacting me. I had this nagging and unfounded fear last week that he was just going to drop me after sex and I'd never hear from him again. That's happened to me before, so I was projecting that onto this situation.

 

Last time I posted was this past Friday, when he reached out for the first time in 5 days since I left his house that morning. He had offered the info that he hadn't forgotten about me. WonderKid said that's what someone would say to keep someone on the backburner, but I took it on its face as him saying 'I'm thinking about you, and I should've contacted you earlier, but I've had some things going on this week.' He just simply wanted me to know he was thinking about me. I didn't prompt it or ask him why I hadn't heard from him. I thought that was nice, although I admit I would've liked more than that, being that he is someone I like and want to continue seeing.

 

The next day was Saturday. He contacted me impromptu after an event he was coming from and asked if I was free to meet.

I wanted to of course, but it was too last minute and I didn't want to appear too available anymore, and I said that I'm sorry I can't, but what about this week sometime. He said he's flying every day, so "maybe" a night during the week, (he's a military pilot I guess he's doing training or instruction lately, which he did mention last weekend). So I just simply said to let me know. I'm certain he will contact me any day now... I guess I was hoping that he would immediately try to nail down a date that night.

 

I have to say, over the course of the three plus weeks he and I have been exchanging with each other (telephonically and physically), I think it's still too soon to have expectations or think about the future anything. However, drawing on simply my own experiences, our interactions seem more to me than just a casual and half-interested thing (because I know what that feels like). Maybe not TOO much more at this point, but I think there's certainly a mutual interest between us and he does want to see me and is thinking about me. In my opinion, that's a good start for getting past date number three. That's been the max with the men I've dated over the past three years, so I'm going to go with it and enjoy it.

 

I will remember the advice I've received here to slow down and hold off of the physical stuff from this point forward. I think over the coming weeks it will become clear where his head is or where he would like to go with it, and the same for me.

[BluEyeL]

What do you mean "that's been the max with men I've dated the past three years". You never passed date 3 with men you dated over the 3 years period??

[venusishername]

What do you mean "that's been the max with men I've dated the past three years". You never passed date 3 with men you dated over the 3 years period??

 

That is correct. Over the past 3 years that I have been single, I have never progressed past date three with any of the men I have dated... for various reasons... mainly because I wasn't ready and I haven't really had a mutual interest in anyone; if there was any mutual interest, it ended by date three and we stopped talking. I was always fine with it because well, we just lost interest.

Prior to that I was in two consecutive long term relationships spanning 19-27. Once I became single three years ago, I was slow to date but had a string of what I'd call half-interested casual encounters and one or two one night stands. That's been the extent of it all this time! There were two really great guys that would have liked to continue seeing me but I pushed them away because I wasn't ready and/or it wasn't the right fit.

One in particular I met immediately after my breakup, and he was a true gentleman, and my friend; we did 'date' here and there, but in the end he wasn't a romantic interest for me. I tried Match and Tinder for three weeks too long. Hated it, went on a handful of first dates, what a waste of time. So yeah, for the first time in all this time, I have met someone that I am mutually interested in continuing to see past date three.

Edited September 9, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Is that all, BlueEye?

[BluEyeL]

Is that all, BlueEye?

 

I've thought about it, and I decided it would take too long and too much back and forth to talk to you about your dating patterns. I'd have to ask you for details etc. on each situation, then we'd argue over each point, and it would take a lot of effort and go nowhere in the end.

 

So I've decided to just wish you good luck with this particular guy.

[venusishername]

I've thought about it, and I decided it would take too long and too much back and forth to talk to you about your dating patterns. I'd have to ask you for details etc. on each situation, then we'd argue over each point, and it would take a lot of effort and go nowhere in the end.

 

So I've decided to just wish you good luck with this particular guy.

 

 

Haha, I understand. Well, I'll still post updates and any advice or input is always appreciated

 

 

I'm going on a trip to Florida next week so it will be good to get out of town and out of my head!

[cif]

I was going to write be weary if he contacts last mintue, usually means bootie call. Now I see hes already done that and no red flag has gone off in your head. He was married 10 years and divorced less than a year. Typically betrayed spouses require loads of time to heal. He has blatantly told you doesnt forsee a relationship anytime soon. Then you have sex with him. He doesnt call you for a week after. Yet you still take his calls. Very odd indeed.

 

Btw i got flowers the day following our first time to the man who is now my husband. Guess we value ourselves differently.

[venusishername]

I was going to write be weary if he contacts last mintue, usually means bootie call. Now I see hes already done that and no red flag has gone off in your head. He was married 10 years and divorced less than a year. Typically betrayed spouses require loads of time to heal. He has blatantly told you doesnt forsee a relationship anytime soon. Then you have sex with him. He doesnt call you for a week after. Yet you still take his calls. Very odd indeed.

 

Btw I got flowers the day following our first time to the man who is now my husband. Guess we value ourselves differently.

 

I see. Thanks for your input. Some of us are in different 'spaces' as far as what we are expecting or seeking out of a relationship, meaning what YOU may want or require vs. what I do at this moment. I personally am looking for something during the early stages that is not moving too quickly or intensely, or to jump into an immediate 'relationship'. In fact the idea of getting involved with someone past date three scares me a bit and is intimidating, making me want to withdraw a bit! I'm just beginning to be ready to WANT to open up to someone again myself, but I'm extremely cautious! We agreed we were both in the same mindset in that respect. I also TOLD him that I'm not interested in something purely casual, but I'm not looking to jump into anything serious right off the bat or quickly either. I didn't include this in my previous posts, but maybe I should have. I told him "I'm not that kind of girl" to involve myself in a 'casual' relationship with someone that I really like. Those were my words, actually, and I said them firmly so he knew where I stood. Knowing that I feel that way, he wouldn't be a jerk to sleep with me and continue stringing me along by contacting me and asking to see me again. I feel pretty confident about that, actually.

 

We communicated to each other that we liked each other and wanted to spend time together and get to know. So I'm not quite sure how what I said and what he said are different. A red flag of course would've been 'I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm just having fun' ( I have heard that before and could smell it a mile away too).

 

Separated for 2 years but officially divorced under a year... still I'm sure lots of healing of course. Also, it wasn't a week after, it was a couple days. Are you suggesting that I shouldn't have responded to him when he contacted me the past two times then? Also, his spontaneous text on Saturday didn't really seem to me like a booty call, just based on the exchange we had. Maybe you're right though; I won't know until I hear from him again to set a date in advance. So far I haven't heard anything and it's now Wednesday, but I'm pretty certain I'll be hearing any time now. I know that if he doesn't contact me by Friday, that is a clear signal. The more time goes by without seeing him, the less I have to draw from and make a clear decision about whether it's worth it to continue. Obviously that will be the key.

 

7 years ago now, my last boyfriend (not yet a BF) took me out to a really nice dinner the day after we slept together (which was around the third-fourth date time frame, same as this), and I really appreciated that. Then he pulled a complete 180 and pulled back, declined my invitations, didn't hear from him much, said he didn't think we should continue seeing each other, then changed his mind a month later and came back to me, but slowly. Four months after we met, and one month of not dating at all, we finally became official. So, that's the last I have to base any kind of relationship on....

 

My gut instinct is that he is just being a bit cautious and reserved about jumping into something! That's what one of his female friends was alluding to on the boat last weekend. In fact, she told me that he's been through a lot, just be patient, tread carefully. He's interested, and he wants to date me, but honest and truly, the impression I get is that he's cautious to get involved with someone again but is now beginning to be open to the idea (which is exactly where I'm at too). So far he has been consistent and initiated reaching out to me, including me to meet his friends, and letting me know he is interested in spending time with me. It's not moving at warp speed, he may be dating other women ( I don't know), and he may just want to screw me, but for the time being I'm excited about the prospect.

 

Despite all this, perhaps in a few weeks I'll come back here in tears and you all can tell me 'I told you so' when he falls off the face of the planet.

Edited September 11, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

Good move declining the last-minute request to meetup. I feel like it's fine if you continue to see this guy, but you can't let him make you a booty call because even if he likes you, he'll see if that's what you can be for him because it's what he's looking for now. You have to resist that and accept date-like hangouts only, not giving him anything more than a kiss til he proves his interest in you. I feel like doing this is the only chance you have now to make this into something more.

 

But some of what you said in that last post reminded me of the way I dealt with my last romantic involvement... feeling like I wasn't sure if I was "ready" either, despite knowing I had strong feelings for him. It was odd but I've come to realize I wasn't/am not 'available' either. The whole idea is women don't seem to realize that we engage with unavailable men who aren't offering commitment because we are unavailable OURSELVES. If we were completely ready we wouldn't waste any time on the Mr. Unavailables. Yes we seem to have issues with valuing ourselves but I don't think it's only that.... you're probably afraid of commitment too, so he's a good fit.

[venusishername]

Good move declining the last-minute request to meetup. I feel like it's fine if you continue to see this guy, but you can't let him make you a booty call because even if he likes you, he'll see if that's what you can be for him because it's what he's looking for now. You have to resist that and accept date-like hangouts only, not giving him anything more than a kiss til he proves his interest in you. I feel like doing this is the only chance you have now to make this into something more.

 

But some of what you said in that last post reminded me of the way I dealt with my last romantic involvement... feeling like I wasn't sure if I was "ready" either, despite knowing I had strong feelings for him. It was odd but I've come to realize I wasn't/am not 'available' either. The whole idea is women don't seem to realize that we engage with unavailable men who aren't offering commitment because we are unavailable OURSELVES. If we were completely ready we wouldn't waste any time on the Mr. Unavailables. Yes we seem to have issues with valuing ourselves but I don't think it's only that.... you're probably afraid of commitment too, so he's a good fit.

 

Thanks, Lissvarna! I appreciate what you said. It's totally true, I realize that I'm not completely ready or available myself, which is why I've been drawn to Mr. Unavailables.... but I am slowly getting closer to it I think...I don't want a strictly casual relationship. Plus I would never sleep with multiple people, so I feel that ultimately I do want a committed relationship but am just starting to warm up to the idea of it and getting my feet wet. The idea of having a boyfriend again after being totally betrayed and hurt by my last is not so appealing to me, although I am lonely and want companionship, sex, and love like everyone else. If someone came on really strong and was totally available and texted or called me daily and wanted to be exclusive soon, I would be turned off and lose interest fast!

 

I would like to see him before I leave on my trip Monday. We had left it hanging when he asked to see me this past Saturday and I didn't mention the trip because it wasn't planned yet. My girlfriends are telling me I should just send him a text and say I'm leaving town, if he's still interested I'd like to see him before I go. What do you think, or what would you suggest saying? If he declines or doesn't make a plan, I can go on my trip and start forgetting about him. If he says yes, I'll know he wants to see me and hasn't lost interest! My gf said that I already showed him one card, why not show him another? Stop being overly protective of your heart and just express your interest, maybe he's feeling insecure too since I pulled back and have been a bit distant. I was trying to be not so available and felt vulnerable so I withdrew and played it cool and declined to see him when I really wanted to.

Edited September 11, 2014 by venusishername

[cif]

Or maybe your inner voice was telling you he just wants to hook up so you actually listened and declined. Trust yourself more.

 

And "being distant and pulling back" is all in your head since he has not shown you any interest since (aka contact). Don't text him. Had he been communicating with you he would've known about your upcoming trip.

[venusishername]

Or maybe your inner voice was telling you he just wants to hook up so you actually listened and declined. Trust yourself more.

 

And "being distant and pulling back" is all in your head since he has not shown you any interest since (aka contact). Don't text him. Had he been communicating with you he would've known about your upcoming trip.

 

Ehhhh... I actually declined because I was sick and I didn't want to appear so eager to see him anyway, not because I thought he just wanted to hook up. Certainly I'm sure he would have liked to be physical with me ( I do too), but I took it as simply he wanted to see me.

I meant 'distant and pulling back' in the days after we slept together, I didn't reach out to him. Also, I just booked this trip impulsively on Monday night!

Edited September 11, 2014 by venusishername

[cif]

I meant 'distant and pulling back' in the days after we slept together, I didn't reach out to him.

 

So now the week-long silence following the great sex is your fault? It's Thursday has he reached out to make weekend plans? One thing is for sure he's not pining away at *your* lack of contact. While you say you want something casual it's apparent you want more (and there is nothing wrong with that). But he's on an entirely different page.

 

V- good luck

[venusishername]

So now the week-long silence following the great sex is your fault? It's Thursday has he reached out to make weekend plans? One thing is for sure he's not pining away at *your* lack of contact. While you say you want something casual it's apparent you want more (and there is nothing wrong with that). But he's on an entirely different page.

 

V- good luck

 

I think you exaggerate just a tad, I wasn't saying it's my fault but I get your point. 5 days silence after great sex and he was the one to reach out. No, he has not made weekend plans. I'm going to put it out there this afternoon and get this over with. I'd like to know, and I think it will be clear. He doesn't strike me as someone who would shy away from being honest if he really wasn't interested and he knew I was. Screw it.

Edited September 11, 2014 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

I think you exaggerate just a tad, I wasn't saying it's my fault but I get your point. 5 days silence after great sex and he was the one to reach out. No, he has not made weekend plans. I'm going to put it out there this afternoon and get this over with. I'd like to know, and I think it will be clear. He doesn't strike me as someone who would shy away from being honest if he really wasn't interested and he knew I was. Screw it.

good call.

[venusishername]

good call.

 

So, BlueEye, what would YOU say?

[Eighty_nine]

Yeah, just put it out there. You don't want to have to be anxious and worried forever. May as well just find out.

[venusishername]

Oops, I was trying to edit my last post...

Thanks guys for your support. Honestly though I'm just not sure how to phrase it to him...

I'd like to know if he's still interested, but don't want to come right out and ask.

 

 

Either way I'm done with this dancing around the subject...