Zahara Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I'm not even sure it's about the upper hand or control. I think he has genuinely had enough of the fights. Most people would walk away at this point, IMO. If that were the case, he would not have responded to her, kept her blocked and he would have never given her the "I'll think about it" carrot. He could have just declined and kept her blocked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 (edited) My ex and I broke up over too many arguments, we have been together for a year. I would like us to meet up and talk but he keeps saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that seeing me will tempt him again because he loves me so much. It's been 3 weeks since we broke up, in this time I have tried reaching out to him a couple of time because I wanted to get things to work but he has only responded with anger and hurtful insults. I then gave up and haven't spoken to him in a week but I have been so depressed, I'm trying to do other stuff with friends but as soon as I come back home the loneliness of not having him sinks in and it's killing me. I really want us to be together again. How can I get him to agree to meet me? Edited August 24, 2014 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
Lingo1 Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 My ex and I broke up over too many arguments, we have been together for a year. I would like us to meet up and talk but he keeps saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that seeing me will tempt him again because he loves me so much. It's been 3 weeks since we broke up, in this time I have tried reaching out to him because I wanted to get things to work but he has only responded with anger and hurtful insults. I then gave up and haven't spoken to him in a week but I have been so depressed, I'm trying to do other stuff with friends but as soon as I come back home the loneliness of not having him sinks in and it's killing me. I really want us to be together again. How can I get him to agree to meet me? Hes lying to himself if he says " I would like us to meet up and talk but he keeps saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that seeing me will tempt him again because he loves me so much" He probably may be attractive to u in the sense of the love u brought to him but he doesnt want u for you dont force him to come see u if he wants to see u let him arrange ur pushing him away everytime u beg Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 I had exactly the same "I cant see you because I cant walk away again" - u know I spent months... months.. trying to work out why it would be so awful if that was to happen... I didnt kill his mum, I didnt sleep with his dad, I didn abuse him, I didnt cheat, my gosh what did I do that was so awful that he simply could not bring himself to be around me for fear I could suck him back in... and then I realised... if you love someone so much that you just know you would jump right back into their arms if you were to see them again then he would be knocking on my door! ... thats some pull we are talking about if they simply cannot keep away once they see us but its not that is it... nope... its a lie, a softener... call it what you want but there is absolutely no truth in it.. the sad fact is they are cowards unable and/or unwilling to face us and tell us the truth x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 Sweeetie - he's not good for you. You need to stop trying to convince him to meet with you. I really hope you can get focused on what's best for YOU going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 OP, this has been a toxic relationship for quite some time, so why do you want to meet up with him? There are times in life when you need to cut your losses and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 Please stop this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 Sweeetie - he's not good for you. You need to stop trying to convince him to meet with you. I really hope you can get focused on what's best for YOU going forward. OP, this has been a toxic relationship for quite some time, so why do you want to meet up with him? There are times in life when you need to cut your losses and move on. Please stop this. I can't. I was able to accept the breakage of other relationships, but I love this man too much. I am very depressed, more than I have ever been, and it is killing me to not be with him. I can't go on like this Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 I can't. I was able to accept the breakage of other relationships, but I love this man too much. I am very depressed, more than I have ever been, and it is killing me to not be with him. I can't go on like this Hey, I know how you feel, and you CAN go on like this. I have been in a turmoil of hurt, confusion, and depression for a year following my most recent breakup and so many times I have said, "I can't go on like this." But healing and change and recuperation from heartbreak to the restoration of inner peace takes a long time, I think particularly as we get older and there is more on the line (wanting a family, wanting those deeper bonds that last, focus shifting to interdependent relationships with loved ones and community rather than personal conquest). I know it doesn't sound very encouraging to hear that someone has hurt very badly for a year, with the same feelings of futility you're expressing now. But what I'm saying is, I felt this way, and I have endured, and therefore so can you. Every day is a gift and a chance to be better and things are happening within you, even if you feel like you are beset with setbacks and pain. ((hugs)) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 I can't. I was able to accept the breakage of other relationships, but I love this man too much. I am very depressed, more than I have ever been, and it is killing me to not be with him. I can't go on like this What do you love about a man that puts you down and makes you feel inadequate? It isn't love. Your self-esteem is in the tank and you're co-dependent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 There's a great blog out there that helps empower women in your kind of relationship dynamic. Google "Baggage Reclaim" and search the list of posts for whatever topics catch your eye. Really read closely what she says and mull it over. Zahara has your dynamic spot-on and Natalie Lue, the author of the blog, is right there with her. I have found her posts empowering and I suspect you will, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 (edited) Hey guys, I have some good news about myself. I was very depressed as you all know, so I decided to leave the country to take a vacation. I went alone, and it really helped to clear my head, to believe in myself and enjoy my own company so much, and to finally realise that I don't need this man in my life who has always made me feel unattractive and inadequate. I also bumped into a male friend who lives in the city I was at. I didn't tell him that me and my bf were not together anymore, but the way this guy is and treated me restored my faith in the male species and showed me what I had been missing for 11 months of my life. It has given me confidence that there are other guys out there, better ones more suited to me, whose company I do really enjoy. My ex contacted me to sort out an insurance claim that I had to make regarding something that happened on our vacation together last month, and even when discussing this normal paperwork he is so angry on me that it's actually hilarious Keeps saying I should keep all the money and not give him his half because he "doesn't want anything from me". For one month, everything that he has said to me has involved so much hatred, and now finally I don't feel a wish to get back with him and instead pity him for being so unhappy. I am just glad I am going away to study in 1.5 weeks when I can finally make a fresh start Edited September 1, 2014 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) My ex and I broke up 5 weeks ago, after 11 months together. I ended the relationship due to him having a lot of misunderstandings about me. He had the false illusion that I was trying to split him up from his friends when it was never my intention, and he had a lot of misconceptions about me as a person as well. In this 5 weeks I have reached out to him a few times in attempt to correct these misunderstandings but he has only reacted with a lot of anger and hatred. The strange thing is that he was never this way towards his ex who cheated on him and was with him for only a month, whereas I was faithful to him for the 11 months that we were together. I'm really getting hurt by his consistent hatred towards me. I'm leaving town next week to study (but hope to be back in my hometown at weekends) and I'm thinking of asking him to meet up with me one last time because I miss him a lot and will miss him even more then. He did say he doesn't mind seeing me but he warned that I wouldn't find it an "easy encounter" because he hates me. What can I do to calm him down? Edited September 7, 2014 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Nothing. You did nothing wrong. The problem is his to work out. If he wishes to persist with this blind indignation, nothing, not even a nuclear fall-out will change his mind. Leave him be. If he wishes to self-harm by wallowing in stubbornness and refusal to see sense, he's the idiot. Let him stew. you owe him nothing - he's your ex. Walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 Nothing. You did nothing wrong. The problem is his to work out. If he wishes to persist with this blind indignation, nothing, not even a nuclear fall-out will change his mind. Leave him be. If he wishes to self-harm by wallowing in stubbornness and refusal to see sense, he's the idiot. Let him stew. you owe him nothing - he's your ex. Walk away. Thanks, but I do really want to correct his misconceptions about me. They are contributing to his hatred for me so it is not fair on me to let things be this way. I'm just waiting for him to calm down so that I can talk to him, and it just ain't happening :-/. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Thanks, but I do really want to correct his misconceptions about me. They are contributing to his hatred for me so it is not fair on me to let things be this way. I'm just waiting for him to calm down so that I can talk to him, and it just ain't happening :-/. Why? You broke up with him. If you wanted to correct misconceptions you should have done that while in the relationship, not now that you walked away from that. Not very sweeetie of you to rub that in his face. Leave the poor guy alone as he is hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 Why? You broke up with him. If you wanted to correct misconceptions you should have done that while in the relationship, not now that you walked away from that. Not very sweeetie of you to rub that in his face. Leave the poor guy alone as he is hurting. That's precisely why I broke up. I was trying to correct these misunderstandings he had about me while we were together, 11 months of endless trying. It didn't work. So I gave up and walked away. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 So why try again now? I know why. It's to validate yourself, and make yourself feel better. You want to right the wrong, and punch the point home. You want to be heard, and understood. You want to make him see reason. YOUR Reason, that is.... That's understandable. But futile. He's not interested. You're going to have to be content with, and get used to, being wrong in his eyes. If he wouldn't see reason then, he surely won't now. You're banging your head against the wall. Just stop, let go, and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 So why try again now? I know why. It's to validate yourself, and make yourself feel better. You want to right the wrong, and punch the point home. You want to be heard, and understood. You want to make him see reason. YOUR Reason, that is.... That's understandable. But futile. He's not interested. You're going to have to be content with, and get used to, being wrong in his eyes. If he wouldn't see reason then, he surely won't now. You're banging your head against the wall. Just stop, let go, and move on. You're right. It's just that we had so many good memories together that I don't want it to all be ruined by some false assumptions. I've tried and tried, but nothing could ever make him understand me. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Two I have heard: "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. If you still fail - give up. There's no point in being an idiot about it." And - "If at first you don't succeed - well, so much for parachuting....." Breathe. Be the bigger and better person. Remember what the great Bodhisattva Professor Albus Dumbledore said: "People have a much harder time forgiving you if it turns out you were right after all." Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I feel like there's more to this break up than you're telling us. You're being intentionally vague. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 You're right. It's just that we had so many good memories together that I don't want it to all be ruined by some false assumptions. I've tried and tried, but nothing could ever make him understand me. You have to accept that he sees you in a certain way and that he has the right to perceive you in any way he wants to. That's his choice. The two of you are not compatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I don't think it has anything to do with misconceptions but you desperately wanting him to love you and extend reconciliation. You used the "break-up" as a means to get him to treat you the way you wanted. It backfired. Now you want to reverse what you did. Nothing is great about a relationship if it has stripped you of your self-esteem and self-respect, even the few nice times you had in between all the toxicity. You thread title history says it all. In your attempt to relieve your discomfort, you try to idealize it to justify going back. And if he was not attracted to you when you both were in a relationship together, it likely has disintegrated even more since the time you broke up with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Thanks, but I do really want to correct his misconceptions about me. They are contributing to his hatred for me so it is not fair on me to let things be this way. I'm just waiting for him to calm down so that I can talk to him, and it just ain't happening :-/. You know, you and Depressed-Fiance should trade notes. You'll notice how unreasonable he is about his desire to set the record straight, how crazy it sounds, and he'll notice the same thing in you. Maybe you two can help each other. The question you have to ask yourself is WHY? What do you think will change if you are actually able to state your case? You should write down a list of what will change if you get your way. Then, after you've thought about it, write down what you really want, in written words. I'm pretty sure nothing will change, but even if it is something, it won't be what you really want. Maybe you need a concrete idea before you can let go of it. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 You're right. It's just that we had so many good memories together that I don't want it to all be ruined by some false assumptions. I've tried and tried, but nothing could ever make him understand me. So why do you think he would understand now? You have to see how illogical the entire thing sounds. Link to post Share on other sites
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