Ex-boyfriend doesn't want to meet up (updates)

[Zahara]

There's just such a big gap in my life now, a lot of emptiness. We did everything together. Things which other people don't want to do with me like hiking trips and music festivals, we both loved so much.

 

It would also be safe to say that there are men out there that won't tear you down in a relationship. In that sense, hiking and music festivals are at the bottom of the totem pole in terms of qualities you would like to have in a partner. But I haven't come across a guy that has yet to say I hate hiking and music festivals! They're out there. You're in defeatist mode with that thinking because it's not realistic.

 

The gap will be there. It happens after every break-up. But that will change and you start to detach and focus on other things in your life.

Edited August 15, 2014 by Zahara

[mightycpa]

hiking and music festivals

 

Yeah. Unless you're talking about weeklong hikes with 90 pound packs, and baroque music, you should be in good shape.

 

But a larger question is, why do women who are available always list hiking as one of their interests? Once you get one of these girls, she never/rarely suggests you go hiking.

[Emilia]

OP, it's very clear from your posts that you want to attribute feelings to this guy that you have towards him and he doesn't return. It's called projecting, it's very common, we all do it to protect our egos because learning of someone's indifference is painful.

 

He blocked you, that's the bottom line. You have to stop obsessing and make this your final break up. You can't go on/off, it's the worst type of 'relationship' there is. You need to get control over the situation. Every time you get back together, he takes you a little less seriously. You must remember that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah. Unless you're talking about weeklong hikes with 90 pound packs, and baroque music, you should be in good shape.

 

But a larger question is, why do women who are available always list hiking as one of their interests? Once you get one of these girls, she never/rarely suggests you go hiking.

 

This is so true. Any dating website one of the first interests a woman puts on there is hiking. Yet you rarely see any of them hike. I think it's a ruse for many of them (not the ones that actually like it) to make them seem down to Earth and open to anything.

 

If as many people hiked as say they like to hike, you wouldn't be able to hike because of all of the foot traffic. I, for one, am completely indifferent to hiking.

[MissBee]

Hey guys,

 

After an 11-month relationship, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up last week. I initiated it because it was clear to me that he didn't understand me very well and got false impressions about the kind of person that I am. He also often made me feel that he wasn't that attracted to me. After 5 days of no contact I texted him yesterday because I missed him, and he was very cold with his response and we got into an argument over FB. Today he blocked me on FB and told me he never wants to speak to me again.

 

Next month I'm leaving town to go and do a course. We were looking forward to enjoying a beautiful summer together before I leave. We recently went on a week's vacation together which we both really enjoyed. We were planning another trip in a few weeks.

 

A month of summer is left before I leave and I would really like to spend it with him, even if only as a friend. I don't have many other people to hang out with, which is why moving to a new town will be a big plus for me. Is there any way that I can make him want to hang out with me these next few weeks? He knows that I'm leaving town and I'm hoping that this will make him want to spend some time with me before I leave since we won't see each other much more anyway. Even if our relationship does not work, we have a lot of fun together and have a lot in common, we like doing the same things like hiking and were going to do this before the summer ended.

 

I have a book of his that I need to return to him (we haven't seen each other in a week so I didn't have the chance to give it back yet). I'm planning on going to his neighbourhood one of these days to give it to him. He doesn't want to see me and says he will just order a new copy but I want to give it to him. Does anyone have ideas of what I should say during this short rendez-vous that'll melt some of the ice in his heart around me?

 

Thanks

 

When you break up with someone it's selfish to also expect them to instantly be your friend because you want it.

 

You can't do that.

 

If you break up you should leave the person alone and give them space to heal and move on.

 

All hanging out does is give false hope and confuses things.

 

Leave him be. It sounds harsh but that's how it is.

 

Sometimes people can be friends a long while after but when you just break up you also give them a break...no hanging out, calling, I miss you etc. Esp since you're leaving....just leave. You can't expect him to want to hang out and "have fun" as "friends." Your expectations are unrealistic. You have broken up...let him heal and you need to move forward too.

[Sweeetie]

Hi all,

 

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 11 months just under 2 weeks ago, because he had a lot of misconceptions about me. We also argued a lot and both said some very bad things to each other. But no cheating was involved. I missed him a lot and wanted to clear up some misunderstandings he had about me.

 

I contacted him this morning to ask if he wanted to meet up to catch up. He said he is willing to and asked me when, but also said that "even though he misses me a lot and feels lonely he does not want us to get back together because what I said to him during our arguments were things which he can't forgive". He has said some pretty bad things to me as well in the past which I have always forgiven. I feel like not seeing him after knowing he doesn't want me back, so I don't want to meet up.

 

Why would he want to meet up with me if he doesn't want to get back with me? Also should I meet him? I do want us to be friends one day but I know that it will hurt me to see him now, knowing that he doesn't want me anymore. But I'm leaving town next month to study so if a friendship doesn't build between us now I don't think it will in the near future. :-/

Edited August 16, 2014 by Sweeetie

[ThorntonMelon]

Sweeetie we all answered in your other thread. You need to let this go for your own mental health.

 

He is in the power position with you and he knows it. You're an ego boost.

[d0nnivain]

You can't be friends with somebody immediately after you broke up.

 

You contacted him. He is a polite, nice person who agreed to your request to get together. He's meeting you because you asked him to. He also knows you well enough to realize that you would interpret his agreement to talk as a desire for reconciliation so he headed you off at the pass by saying that he doesn't want to get back together.

 

What exactly do you want? Why did you want to meet him? You aren't going to get closure. You aren't going to build a friendship on this meeting? If you had a legitimate goal when you set up the appointment even if it was to apologize for any hateful thing you said in the heat of anger, fine, go through with it. If this was some dopey pre-text to see if he wanted to get back together skip it

[Sweeetie]

Hi all,

 

I tried to do No Contact but in the end it was too difficult.

 

A couple of days ago I sent him a couple of texts saying "I really miss you so much" which had the surprising result of making him unblock me on Facebook and say to me "why do you have to make this so difficult for me! I have had a very difficult 2 weeks since you left me, waking up and thinking about you, and now you tell me you miss me and make it even harder??!"

 

He keeps telling me that I am his true love, that he never loved any girl so much and that he never would have broken up if I hadn't left him.

 

But he also says that he doesn't want to be with me because we fight a lot and he can't forgive or forget anything I say. I always forgive and forget the mean things that he says to me (and he's said some pretty bad stuff) so I asked him why he couldn't also put it in the past. He said he wants to focus on the bad about me to make it easier for him to move on.

 

I'm leaving town after 4 weeks to study and I really want to hang out with him these last few weeks even as a friend, I miss him very much. He says he misses me very much as well and that he is "very lonely" but that he can't be with me and meeting up poses a "very high risk" of us getting back together. He also doesn't want to give me "false hope that we can get back together". I made a bit of a fool of myself yesterday, begging him to be my friend. But he said no, and then finally "I'll think about it."

 

I know the general consensus here is to never speak to this guy again but I love him too much. How can I convince him to meet up with me?

Edited August 18, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Emilia]

But he also says that he doesn't want to be with me because we fight a lot and he can't forgive or forget anything I say. I always forgive and forget the mean things that he says to me (and he's said some pretty bad stuff) so I asked him why he couldn't also put it in the past. He said he wants to focus on the bad about me to make it easier for him to move on.

He is right, he knows this was an unhealthy relationship. The fact that you forgave him each time isn't a good thing. He is the one who is handling it right, you should listen to him. He instinctively knows without putting a name on it that you two were in a codependent relationship and he has had enough. He is trying to shake you off.

I know the general consensus here is to never speak to this guy again but I love him too much. How can I convince him to meet up with me?

I think you would benefit from moving out of your parents house and start an independent life, looking after yourself as a fully independent, grown adult. Then perhaps you would develop the emotional strength required for healthy interpersonal relationships rather than codependent ones.

[xxmusical]

Is it possible for you to leave town earlier than originally planned? The longer you linger here, the lonelier you'll be, and the more you'll want to meet him.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi all,

 

I tried to do No Contact but in the end it was too difficult.

 

A couple of days ago I sent him a couple of texts saying "I really miss you so much" which had the surprising result of making him unblock me on Facebook and say to me "why do you have to make this so difficult for me! I have had a very difficult 2 weeks since you left me, waking up and thinking about you, and now you tell me you miss me and make it even harder??!"

 

He keeps telling me that I am his true love, that he never loved any girl so much and that he never would have broken up if I hadn't left him.

 

But he also says that he doesn't want to be with me because we fight a lot and he can't forgive or forget anything I say. I always forgive and forget the mean things that he says to me (and he's said some pretty bad stuff) so I asked him why he couldn't also put it in the past. He said he wants to focus on the bad about me to make it easier for him to move on.

 

I'm leaving town after 4 weeks to study and I really want to hang out with him these last few weeks even as a friend, I miss him very much. He says he misses me very much as well and that he is "very lonely" but that he can't be with me and meeting up poses a "very high risk" of us getting back together. He also doesn't want to give me "false hope that we can get back together". I made a bit of a fool of myself yesterday, begging him to be my friend. But he said no, and then finally "I'll think about it."

 

I know the general consensus here is to never speak to this guy again but I love him too much. How can I convince him to meet up with me?

 

You can't. It's up to him. You need to stop trying to manipulate and trick him into reacting a certain way. Leave him alone, let him be. It's up to him to make the move now. Stop meddling and chasing. And stop with the codependent stuff and learn how to stand on your own two feet.

[martaldn]

how long are you being leaving for? because I can understand him when he says that at the moment he doesnt want to be with you because it is risky.

you are embarking in a new adventure in a new city and you want to fix a relationship with a person who is gonna live far away.. I think the timing is just wrong and he is probably scared to be hurt again and this is why is refusing to give the relationship another go.

I think you should meet him and try to end things in good terms. you are leaving in 4 weeks, try to leave him a good memory of you and then who knows what the future will hold for you

 

good luck

[Sweeetie]

 

I think you would benefit from moving out of your parents house and start an independent life, looking after yourself as a fully independent, grown adult. Then perhaps you would develop the emotional strength required for healthy interpersonal relationships rather than codependent ones.

 

I don't know what led you to the assumption that I live with my parents..? I don't.

[Sweeetie]

how long are you being leaving for? because I can understand him when he says that at the moment he doesnt want to be with you because it is risky.

you are embarking in a new adventure in a new city and you want to fix a relationship with a person who is gonna live far away.. I think the timing is just wrong and he is probably scared to be hurt again and this is why is refusing to give the relationship another go.

I think you should meet him and try to end things in good terms. you are leaving in 4 weeks, try to leave him a good memory of you and then who knows what the future will hold for you

 

good luck

 

Thanks I'm going to study a course that takes place from mid September till end of June, but I'll be back intermittently for the vacations between semestres. I'm also planning on coming back home on weekends.

[Sweeetie]

Is it possible for you to leave town earlier than originally planned? The longer you linger here, the lonelier you'll be, and the more you'll want to meet him.

 

This is so true- I am so lonely! I don't have many friends left in my town because most of them have moved away or are recently married with their own lives. I miss having someone to go out with.

[Emilia]

I don't know what led you to the assumption that I live with my parents..? I don't.

Your previous threads.

[Zeurich]

Poor FB become a victim of relationship breaking drama,, oh my my my...

[Sweeetie]

Your previous threads.

 

I see, could you please provide a quotation that says I live with my parents?

[Zahara]

A couple of days ago I sent him a couple of texts saying "I really miss you so much" which had the surprising result of making him unblock me on Facebook and say to me "why do you have to make this so difficult for me! I have had a very difficult 2 weeks since you left me, waking up and thinking about you, and now you tell me you miss me and make it even harder??!"

 

I have to wonder if he only said that to jab at you and make you feel worse while making himself look like the poor victim. Knowing how he likes to manipulate and make you doubt yourself and who you are, I don't for one second believe a word of what he said after all the threads you have posted about him and his lack lustre investment in you.

 

He keeps telling me that I am his true love, that he never loved any girl so much and that he never would have broken up if I hadn't left him.

 

Again, making you feel bad for your decision when I bet he doesn't really feel this way. The threads you posted about him not being attracted to you, invalidating you, not being into you -- I don't think he understands the meaning of "true love" and neither do you because breaking up and making up time after time again and tearing someone down isn't love.

 

But he also says that he doesn't want to be with me because we fight a lot and he can't forgive or forget anything I say. I always forgive and forget the mean things that he says to me (and he's said some pretty bad stuff) so I asked him why he couldn't also put it in the past. He said he wants to focus on the bad about me to make it easier for him to move on.

 

He's making the right decision.

 

I'm leaving town after 4 weeks to study and I really want to hang out with him these last few weeks even as a friend, I miss him very much. He says he misses me very much as well and that he is "very lonely" but that he can't be with me and meeting up poses a "very high risk" of us getting back together. He also doesn't want to give me "false hope that we can get back together". I made a bit of a fool of myself yesterday, begging him to be my friend. But he said no, and then finally "I'll think about it."

 

You cannot be friends. I think you want to manipulate a meeting so that you can try and reconcile again. Logically and rationally, you can't hang out with someone as friends when you are emotionally affected.

 

I know the general consensus here is to never speak to this guy again but I love him too much. How can I convince him to meet up with me?

 

You can't. You need to show strength. Loving someone doesn't justify going back to a situation that time and time again has proved to be unhealthy and toxic for you. You're so afraid to face your pain that you would rather go back to someone that makes you insecure and diminishes your sense of self.

[Sweeetie]

I have to wonder if he only said that to jab at you and make you feel worse while making himself look like the poor victim. Knowing how he likes to manipulate and make you doubt yourself and who you are, I don't for one second believe a word of what he said after all the threads you have posted about him and his lack lustre investment in you.

 

 

 

Again, making you feel bad for your decision when I bet he doesn't really feel this way. The threads you posted about him not being attracted to you, invalidating you, not being into you -- I don't think he understands the meaning of "true love" and neither do you because breaking up and making up time after time again and tearing someone down isn't love.

 

 

 

He's making the right decision.

 

 

 

You cannot be friends. I think you want to manipulate a meeting so that you can try and reconcile again. Logically and rationally, you can't hang out with someone as friends when you are emotionally affected.

 

 

 

You can't. You need to show strength. Loving someone doesn't justify going back to a situation that time and time again has proved to be unhealthy and toxic for you. You're so afraid to face your pain that you would rather go back to someone that makes you insecure and diminishes your sense of self.

 

I have to agree with you Zahara. Your posts are helping me a lot

[Zahara]

You need to show strength, Sweeetie. This man knows he has the upper hand with you. And your last communication with him is his way of controlling you again. It's a huge ego boost for him. Don't try to convince him, don't attempt to rekindle -- just face the pain and move on from him. You deserve better. You have to know this deep down inside. Just go back and read your threads, do you really want to go back to that? Maybe there was good from your relationship but good should be consistent. It wasn't -- high highs and low lows. The only thing that will do to you is keep tearing at your self-esteem. You need to make that change for yourself.

[Emilia]

You need to show strength, Sweeetie. This man knows he has the upper hand with you. And your last communication with him is his way of controlling you again. I

 

I'm not even sure it's about the upper hand or control. I think he has genuinely had enough of the fights. Most people would walk away at this point, IMO.

[Sweeetie]

You need to show strength, Sweeetie. This man knows he has the upper hand with you. And your last communication with him is his way of controlling you again. It's a huge ego boost for him. Don't try to convince him, don't attempt to rekindle -- just face the pain and move on from him. You deserve better. You have to know this deep down inside. Just go back and read your threads, do you really want to go back to that? Maybe there was good from your relationship but good should be consistent. It wasn't -- high highs and low lows. The only thing that will do to you is keep tearing at your self-esteem. You need to make that change for yourself.

 

You're right Zahara, and I really liked what you said in an earlier post- to not go back to a relationship that made me feel inadequate just to provide comfort for the negative feelings of loss. I will be strong now!

[letmoc]

I'm not even sure it's about the upper hand or control. I think he has genuinely had enough of the fights. Most people would walk away at this point, IMO.

 

I think it is all about control. If he was tired of the fights he would not be talking to her so much. He wants his control back.