Ex-boyfriend doesn't want to meet up (updates)

[rester]

I've only read this thread of yours and the other one about his friend hitting on you and then your ex getting angry at you for breaking up their friendship.

 

Based on that one and this one, I agree with others. NEVER. Do not contact him again. Let it go. If you write him a letter, do not send it. Seal it away for ten years and then open it for yourself.

[Zahara]

That would mean he's not right for me then, if he is not willing to acknowledge his misconceptions about me.

 

But he was never right for you. He made you feel inadequate, insecure and if you can't grasp that reality about your relationship, go back and read your past threads.

 

You're consumed as to how he views you, when you should be concerned about the fact that he isn't a quality partner to begin with.

 

The only misconceptions about you are the ones that exist in your head -- manufactured and believed by you because of the way he made you feel, treated you and viewed you during the relationship. You want so badly to make him see you in a positive light because you hate that he won't validate you.

[mightycpa]

I don't think you know what break up means.

[Sweeetie]

Hey guys,

 

I appreciate all your responses and it seems that the general consensus is that I don't contact him again. However, being in love I do intend to do it, I just wanted to ask if now would be good or if I should wait a few days. I miss him very much, and I am leaving town next month when I will miss him without being able to see him at all.

 

I would like to have a face to face conversation with him about his misconceptions about me, and whether he believes me or not after that only fate will decide.

[Zahara]

However, being in love I do intend to do it, I just wanted to ask if now would be good or if I should wait a few days. I miss him very much, and I am leaving town next month when I will miss him without being able to see him at all.

 

If you were so in love with him, why did you end it? I miss him doesn't justify going back to someone that made you insecure and inadequate.

 

Again, why did you end it with him? Please explain. Maybe that will remind you why being in love or missing him has no bearing on the reality of what you are in love with and missing.

 

I would like to have a face to face conversation with him about his misconceptions about me, and whether he believes me or not after that only fate will decide.

 

What are the misconceptions? Do you want to retract your reasons you gave him for ending it so that he'll be willing to get back with you again?

 

I promise you, if you do this, you will only fuel him even more to disrespect you. You come off weak and powerless. Please empower yourself.

 

You're desperately looking for excuses to see him again and hopefully rekindle. It's very apparent.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Zahara

[Zahara]

Just read the titles of your threads. When are you going to force yourself to feel the pain and strive to get to the other side? You deserve better.

 

- Boyfriend only thinks I'm beautiful when I dress up

- He loves me but isn't that attracted to me

- Boyfriend never pays for me

- Boyfriend wants to leave me for good

- Boyfriend never seems interested in what I say

- When a guy starts to love you less, can you put the love back

- Boyfriend hates PDA and this hurts

- He loves me but doesn't get me

- Boyfriend seems to enjoy making me feel jealous

- Boyfriend won't kiss me outside the bedroom

- Why does he want to keep me a secret

 

Please keep going back to your reality. Step out of your emotional bubble and start focusing on why this is not good for you.

[Taramere]

Hey guys,

 

I appreciate all your responses and it seems that the general consensus is that I don't contact him again. However, being in love I do intend to do it, I just wanted to ask if now would be good or if I should wait a few days. I miss him very much, and I am leaving town next month when I will miss him without being able to see him at all.

 

I would like to have a face to face conversation with him about his misconceptions about me, and whether he believes me or not after that only fate will decide.

 

People tend to believe what they want to believe. I can think of times in the past I've found myself in the frustrating position of presenting somebody with evidence that what they believed is untrue, only to find that they weren't interested. Or were too angry to pay attention.

 

Often it's better just to put some distance between you and the other person for a while. If he's angry with you (whether or not he's right or fair to be angry with you) you're unlikely to have a productive conversation with him - and the chances are that an attempt to do so will just make this relationship break up harder on you than it already is.

 

If you're determined to ignore that advice on the basis that the heart be allowed to trump logic then okay...but don't throw logic completely out of the window. Historically, from what you say, you and he have dealt with any conflict in your relationship by splitting up. An emotional reunion now will just continue that pattern.

 

I think if I were going down that inadvisable route you're selecting (and most of us are guilty of taking the inadvisable action that is commonly called "following your heart rather than your head" at times) I think I would do it by sending him a very straight down the line and honest message. If, over the next few days, I found myself unblocked that is.

 

"I love you, I would like to try to make a relationship with you work without handling every single conflict with a break up. If a relationship between us can't work, I would at least like to end it in a way that leaves us both feeling 'I handled that as well and as maturely as I could'. Do you want to meet up?" Then if he says no, accept it. Never contact him again. Try to avoid places you know he's going to be, unless it causes unacceptable inconvenience to avoid them.

 

But as long as he's blocking you, it means that he does not want to talk to you....and any attempt on your part to get in touch with him is likely to irritate the hell out of him. Once irritation on that level sets in, there's really no going back. Loving somebody does not mean you're destined to be with them. They have to love you back, they have to see a relationship with you working...and if that's really not the case here then you might find yourself treading that thin line between following your heart and risking finding yourself labelled as a bit of a stalker.

 

And looking at Zahara's post, which is far better researched than mine, it sounds as though there are so many negative aspects to your relationship with this guy that a reconciliation could only be bad news for you. Maybe unconsciously there are things about yourself that you can think you can "fix" by making this relationship work. It's more likely that being with somebody you have so many negatives with would just keep breaking you.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Taramere

[Sweeetie]

If you were so in love with him, why did you end it? I miss him doesn't justify going back to someone that made you insecure and inadequate.

 

Again, why did you end it with him? Please explain. Maybe that will remind you why being in love or missing him has no bearing on the reality of what you are in love with and missing.

 

 

 

What are the misconceptions? Do you want to retract your reasons you gave him for ending it so that he'll be willing to get back with you again?

 

I promise you, if you do this, you will only fuel him even more to disrespect you. You come off weak and powerless. Please empower yourself.

 

You're desperately looking for excuses to see him again and hopefully rekindle. It's very apparent.

 

He has misconceptions that I have been trying to split him up with his friends. This is very far from the truth.

 

One of the things that led to this assumption was the fact that I told him about his friend trying to hit on me. Another thing was that another acquaintance of his- not a friend since they've never known each other that well- kept badmouthing him to me behind his back and I told him about it. Another thing was that his roommate, whom I have always been nice to, has never made me feel welcome in their home (see a thread that I made about this way back in October) and I spoke to my bf on a couple of occasions about how I felt about this. Another thing was that his best female friend stopped talking to me the second he and I started dating and since I like her a lot (and had also given her lots of help with something in the past) I told him how her attitude towards me was making me feel.

 

At no point did I want to split him up from any of his friends, and fortunately he didn't lose any friends through me except the guy who hit on me behind his back. It is just a coincidence that a lot of his different friends and acquaintances either showed me hostility or showed him betrayal behind his back, and when I tried talking to him about how this was making me feel, he took that as meaning I want them out of his life which was absolutely not the case. I just wanted him to understand how I felt and to help me, or to know what people were doing behind his back.

 

During every fight we had, about anything, he would always angrily say I try to split him up with his friends. Then when he would calm down he said he didn't mean it, that he only said it "to make me angry". But then he recurrently said this same thing during every fight. Last week was when I had enough.

 

As long as he has this misconception about my intentions, I cannot be with him. I just really want to set the facts straight for him.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Simon Phoenix]

This isn't love, this is codependency. You broke up with him for legitimate reasons, he doesn't seem to really care either way, let it go. You are on a destructive breakup/makeup cycle, which is a sign of emotional weakness and immaturity.

 

Stop trying to making this conversation happen.

[Zahara]

Sweeetie, you have to let it go.

 

Trying to reverse the misconceptions he has of you, regardless of what they may be is not your priority but to put all this behind you, stick with your decision to end and get past that threshold, that is your main focus.

 

You're not going to change who he is, you're not going to change his misconceptions, you're not going to make him view you any differently than he has before and most importantly you're not going to get any satisfaction or relief from the painful reality of the situation.

 

It doesn't matter anymore what he perceives. The bigger picture, and of importance to you is that you need to stay away from him, work on your self-esteem, look forward to a new life, and believe that you deserve better.

[Zahara]

As long as he has this misconception about my intentions, I cannot be with him. I just really want to set the facts straight for him.

 

There is no need to do this. You don't need to rectify to feel validated in his eyes.

[Sweeetie]

Even if he is the wrong guy for me, he is a very special person to me and I don't want to leave his life with him having the wrong impression of me and remembering me as someone I wasn't. I want to make him see things as they are.

[Sweeetie]

Often it's better just to put some distance between you and the other person for a while. If he's angry with you (whether or not he's right or fair to be angry with you) you're unlikely to have a productive conversation with him - and the chances are that an attempt to do so will just make this relationship break up harder on you than it already is.

 

 

But as long as he's blocking you, it means that he does not want to talk to you....and any attempt on your part to get in touch with him is likely to irritate the hell out of him. Once irritation on that level sets in, there's really no going back. Loving somebody does not mean you're destined to be with them. They have to love you back, they have to see a relationship with you working...and if that's really not the case here then you might find yourself treading that thin line between following your heart and risking finding yourself labelled as a bit of a stalker.

 

Thank you for your whole post Taramere, it makes sense and I agree with it. I just wanted to talk about this part of what you said. I don't think he's going to unblock me soon. He kept his ex blocked for 3 months but that was because she cheated on him and they only dated for a month so I can't really draw a parallel there I guess. I am scared of waiting too long to see if he unblocks me because as I said I'm leaving town next month and then it'll really be too late for any sort of reconciliation. I would like to hang out with him before I leave, I miss him soooo much but atleast now I can see him, next month I will miss him more and won't get to see him much for a year.

[Zahara]

Even if he is the wrong guy for me, he is a very special person to me and I don't want to leave his life with him having the wrong impression of me and remembering me as someone I wasn't. I want to make him see things as they are.

 

You can't force someone to perceive you the way you want them to. If all through the relationship, he viewed you as less than and treated you in ways that made you feel inadequate, why do you think that to rectify this issue would make him view you differently?

 

Regardless of this situation, he didn't view you in a respectful and positive manner.

 

He is not a special person to you. You are emotional and you're idealizing him. When you are detached from him, you'll be able to see that a special person would have never made you feel the way you felt.

[Zahara]

I am scared of waiting too long to see if he unblocks me because as I said I'm leaving town next month and then it'll really be too late for any sort of reconciliation. I would like to hang out with him before I leave, I miss him soooo much but atleast now I can see him, next month I will miss him more and won't get to see him much for a year.

 

Why do you want to reconcile? Don't say you love him because it's co-dependency. What about all those threads depict a loving, secure and healthy relationship? What would you be going back to?

[Taramere]

Even if he is the wrong guy for me, he is a very special person to me and I don't want to leave his life with him having the wrong impression of me and remembering me as someone I wasn't. I want to make him see things as they are.

 

Of course you don't want to leave his life with him having a wrong or poor impression of you. Of course you want him to see the best in you. That's only natural, but you cannot control the impression people choose to have of you.

 

Sometimes it's based on circumstances that are beyond anybody's control, sometimes on things you've done that hurt them and that they can't or won't forgive you for. Sometimes it's based on lies that they choose to believe. Or it can be based on their own personal issues that they prefer to leave unaddressed.

 

Hard as it's going to be to walk away from this guy and just let him have whatever bad impression he has of you, it's a step towards a more self respecting existence. It'll make you that bit stronger a person. Strength isn't about controlling the perceptions of you that other people have. It's minimising the influence wrong, unfair or harsh perceptions have over your self image and your behaviour.

[Sweeetie]

You can't force someone to perceive you the way you want them to. If all through the relationship, he viewed you as less than and treated you in ways that made you feel inadequate, why do you think that to rectify this issue would make him view you differently?

 

Regardless of this situation, he didn't view you in a respectful and positive manner.

 

He is not a special person to you. You are emotional and you're idealizing him. When you are detached from him, you'll be able to see that a special person would have never made you feel the way you felt.

 

A problem I have noticed in him is that he seems to not have much empathy; he never really understood why I felt the way I did about things and thus got the wrong impression about me in many different situations. I noticed this throughout our relationship and wondered why it was like this. A couple of months ago, I was out with him and I got sexually harassed by a drunk guy, and he did nothing. Later that night when we talked and I was upset by his indifference to what happened, he accused me of "always trying to turn him against people" ?!!!

 

Recently I've been thinking that he might have Asperger's syndrome, where one simply cannot feel empathy, whether they want to or not. Someone with Asperger's also finds communication difficult and this describes my ex perfectly; I have never been able to talk to him about anything, even everyday stuff like how my day was, his eyes would always glaze over and wander away (see my previous thread from a few months back). As I read up on Asperger's more, it seems more likely to me that he has it. I know him and he is not a bad person and does not have malicious intent against anyone; he can't help it that he made me feel this way.

 

I don't have anything against people with Asperger's but I know that it will mentally exhaust me to be with him making it virtually impossible for me to go back. I don't want to make him get a diagnosis for it since if we are not getting back together it would just leave him with this lowered self confidence and awareness that he might have a mental disorder, which would be detrimental to his happiness and ruin his life.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Sweeetie

[KatZee]

Even if he is the wrong guy for me, he is a very special person to me and I don't want to leave his life with him having the wrong impression of me and remembering me as someone I wasn't. I want to make him see things as they are.

 

He may be "very special" to you, but based on past threads this guy really couldn't give 2 squats about you, sorry to say.

 

You don't want to leave his life with him having the wrong impression of you? The only impression he's left with is that of a desperate, pathetic, clingy, needy and co-dependent person.

 

He already said he doesn't care what you have to say, he doesn't care to reconcile, he doesn't care to see you, talk to you, hang out with you, make up with you, clear the air, or fix the burned bridge.

 

The relationship you had with him was NEVER healthy, it was NEVER love, it was NEVER respectful, it was NEVER mature.

 

Stop with this obsession of how he views you. Who cares how he sees you? He didn't even like who you were as a person when you were together. You were always dancing around and entertaining him like some sort of clown just to keep him satisfied.

 

Move the hell on from this tool bag. Be single. Learn how to be confident, secure, and OK being single and alone. I agree that this is a supreme case of co-dependency. Nothing more.

 

And stop making excuses for him! He doesn't have Asperger's. He just doesn't give a s.hit! As harsh as this sounds, that's the reality of it. I'm sure a few of my ex's could say I have Asperger's or that I'm a sociopath based on how unemotional and uncaring I had become toward the end, and how I handled things. I am neither. I just at the end DID. NOT. CARE.

Edited August 15, 2014 by KatZee

[Sweeetie]

 

And stop making excuses for him! He doesn't have Asperger's. He just doesn't give a s.hit! As harsh as this sounds, that's the reality of it. I'm sure a few of my ex's could say I have Asperger's or that I'm a sociopath based on how unemotional and uncaring I had become toward the end, and how I handled things. I am neither. I just at the end DID. NOT. CARE.

 

That's the thing, it was not towards the end of the relationship that he started showing signs of Asperger's, it was before we even got together. I just didn't know much about Asperger's back then. When I read up on this syndrome last month, a lightbulb went on.

 

But aside from that, I agree that he currently does not care. 5 days after we broke up, I reached out to him saying it would be so much better if he only understood me and didn't get these false impressions. Instead of expressing an attempt to understand, he simply said "I don't care." His last text to me, 3 days ago, expressed hatred for me and the opinion that I'm a "very bad person whom others should be warned about". I didn't reply to that, and each time I'm tempted to text him I just re-read this text and tear up and can't bring myself to go that low. I guess I'm hoping he will apologise soon.

Edited August 15, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Simon Phoenix]

He doesn't have Asperger's, he just doesn't care. Your mental gymnastics are working overtime.

[Els]

OP. You did the right thing by breaking up with him IMO, based on your past threads.

 

Now you need to MOVE ON. Go NC and start healing. There is absolutely no point in prolonging this.

[Sweeetie]

OP. You did the right thing by breaking up with him IMO, based on your past threads.

 

Now you need to MOVE ON. Go NC and start healing. There is absolutely no point in prolonging this.

 

There's just such a big gap in my life now, a lot of emptiness. We did everything together. Things which other people don't want to do with me like hiking trips and music festivals, we both loved so much.

Edited August 15, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Els]

There's just such a big gap in my life now, a lot of emptiness. We did everything together. Things which other people don't want to do with me like hiking trips and music festivals, we both loved so much.

 

But there will be other guys who will go hiking and to music festivals with you! You're not exactly looking for a guy to dress up in your pantyhose and high heels and attend a crossdressing event with you (and even then they will exist, they're just much more rare than guys who enjoy hiking and music...)

 

There is always a big gap in your life after a BU but it will recede as long as you put in the effort to meet people. Really.

[marcjb]

After an 11-month relationship, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up last week. I initiated it because it was clear to me that he didn't understand me very well and got false impressions about the kind of person that I am. He also often made me feel that he wasn't that attracted to me. After 5 days of no contact I texted him yesterday because I missed him, and he was very cold with his response and we got into an argument over FB. Today he blocked me on FB and told me he never wants to speak to me again.

 

So basically, he is supposed to be a mindreader? Maybe instead of going no contact you should have communicated your feelings with him. His cold response was probably from your 5 days of no contact. Mind games never work out well.

[Sweeetie]

So basically, he is supposed to be a mindreader? Maybe instead of going no contact you should have communicated your feelings with him. His cold response was probably from your 5 days of no contact. Mind games never work out well.

 

I wasn't playing any games. I went NC because I didn't want to be with him anymore and wanted some time to think. I also did it because he was very angry on me about something prior to that which led to me breaking up with him, so I wanted him to cool down a bit before I spoke to him. Clearly 5 days wasn't enough for that.