Ex-boyfriend doesn't want to meet up (updates)

[Sweeetie]

Hello all.

 

I broke up with my ex of a year almost 3 months ago, over him having a lot of misconceptions about me that he kept refusing to acknowledge. After the breakup he hated me very much, always responding angrily when I tried talking to him and not picking up my calls. I wanted to correct some of his misconceptions but he just wouldn't listen. He deleted me off Facebook.

 

The only positive thing he has said to me since the BU is that I was his true love, that he never loved another girl before, and that's why he hates me so much.

 

I moved to a new town to study a new course about 6 weeks ago which he knew about, and we haven't spoken since the day before I left. The new town isn't very far away from my hometown, about 2 hours away by train.

 

Our last conversation was the same as all the other conversations we had since the breakup; a lot of anger from his part, and it was again over messaging for his resistance to my phone calls. I wanted to meet up with him before I left for the new town. He also wanted to see me to say bye, but said "don't expect me to be nice." Ironically he kept insisting on us meeting though, saying he felt it appropriate to say bye properly.

 

I kept giving him chances to speak in a civil manner to me, but he refused and kept showering me with hateful messages, so in the end I decided not to go see him. He felt very insulted by that, saying "I gave you a year of my life and you can't even spare 2 hours for me?!"

 

That was the last thing I heard from him. The day I arrived in the new town I was feeling very emotional so I sent him a short "I just want you to know that I miss you very much. No matter how far away we are I'll never stop loving you" message on FB which he didn't read (fellow FB users will know that you can tell when someone has read your message on FB). 6 weeks has now passed and we have been in no contact. It was my birthday a week ago but he didn't wish me.

 

I have a one-week mid term break this week, during which I'll be back in my hometown. I want to see him. 3 days ago I sent him a short email which he didn't reply to. It was our first contact after 6 weeks and I used an important matter as and excuse to talk to him. We went on holiday together this summer and our flights got delayed by a day, we are still waiting on an insurance claim which is under my name.

 

My email went like this (names are made up):

 

"Hi John,

 

How are you?

 

I hope that work is going well and that you are settling into your new apartment.

 

You must be wondering why the insurance is taking so long, they wanted some more evidence from the airline proving the delay which I finally managed to get after many phone calls. They said they would be able to make a final decision by the end of next week. I shall transfer the money to you as soon as I receive it!

 

By the way I'm not sure if Rick has told you but he's meeting up with Tom and Sarah tomorrow, I told him to ask you as well. I'll be in [my new town].

 

Best wishes,

 

Laura"

 

I headed the subject of the email as 'Insurance'. The sentence at the end refers to a few of his friends meeting up in our hometown- they asked me about it last week and I had to politely decline due to being in my new town, but I said they should invite him- they weren't planning to initially. My ex has been very lonely since the breakup since we did everything together, and that is partly what has made him into a bitter person.

 

It hurt me that my ex didn't reply. I was hoping that he would atleast say "ok, thanks" which I would then follow up by saying I'm in my hometown for a week if he would like to meet for a coffee. Part of me is wondering if he has set my email address to automatically be filtered into his junk mail.

 

I know it doesn't sound too plausible but I would very much like to see him this week that I am back. I am figuring out the next step I should take. It will be either, which people might not agree with- texting him to ask him if he received my 'email about insurance'. Or, it'll be waiting till my Christmas holidays - 7 weeks away- to try again. I am scared of waiting too long because that's a mistake I made in the past with other guys (I was the dumpee twice, this is my first time as a dumper) as they ended up forgetting about me.

 

What should I do? I really want to see him

Edited October 26, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Diezel]

Seriously... you dumped him. Stop contacting him.

 

I don't know what you are trying to accomplish.

How about you just leave him alone so you both can move on from this?

 

That should be the ONLY move.

[callingyouuu]

I'm a recent dumpee who's dealing with an ex who still wants to see me (but who doesn't want to get back together), so from my perspective I urge you to please spare this poor man. It's hard enough to pick up the pieces of your life again without having someone constantly knock them out of your hands.

[Sweeetie]

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after dating for a year. I initiated it because he has a lot of misconceptions about me that he was unwilling to acknowledge. We were speaking for about a month after the BU, and there was a lot of anger from his end. I moved to a new town to do a course which he knew about, and we went 6 weeks with No Contact starting the day I moved. This town is a 2-hour train ride away from home so I come home on weekends.

 

I was the first to break no contact. I was back in my hometown for mid-term break last week which I didn't tell him, instead I sent him a 'How are you' message which he didn't reply to. The week after I sent him an update on an insurance which we were claiming for due to something happening on our summer vacation together. Still no reply. I have decided to stop contacting him and wait till the holidays next month to try again.

 

I was speaking to one of his good friends today, a guy who has known my ex for 10 years, and who is also my friend. We were talking about something else and I casually slipped into the conversation the fact that I missed my ex a lot and had contacted him and that he didn't reply.

 

I said "Maybe I should stop contacting him; he doesn't want anything more to do with me. What do you think?" My friend replied that me and my ex are both his friends so he can't comment. He said it is a decision which I need to take on my own. He didn't say anything more and I didn't push.

 

Maybe it's wishful thinking but does it sound like a positive sign, the fact that his friend didn't say to me something like "Yea, if he's not replying it's probably best to leave him alone"?

Edited November 8, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Seeker12]

You are overanalysing the situation, he straight told you that he didnt want to get involved in the mess or clean up of your relationship because both of you are good mates to him, thats all, he doesnt want to be cause for either of you being led on, or falling out or messing up again or getting hurt. Sorry, but thats the harsh truth of it all. Think of it like this, what if it was the opposite way round? If your ex was interested, why wouldnt this mate egg you on, and say yes go for it, Contact him.Why in the world would he give you hidden messages or signals about your ex? Basically he wouldnt, he said this only because he is holding a neutral stance.

Edited November 8, 2014 by Seeker12

[zen2475]

I agree that you are over-analyzing this. Your mutual friend is trying to stay out of it, and just doesn't want to say anything either way.

[rester]

I don't see any positive signs. It's over. He is moving on. Please respect his wishes and stop contacting him.

[Simon Phoenix]

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after dating for a year. I initiated it because he has a lot of misconceptions about me that he was unwilling to acknowledge. We were speaking for about a month after the BU, and there was a lot of anger from his end. I moved to a new town to do a course which he knew about, and we went 6 weeks with No Contact starting the day I moved. This town is a 2-hour train ride away from home so I come home on weekends.

 

I was the first to break no contact. I was back in my hometown for mid-term break last week which I didn't tell him, instead I sent him a 'How are you' message which he didn't reply to. The week after I sent him an update on an insurance which we were claiming for due to something happening on our summer vacation together. Still no reply. I have decided to stop contacting him and wait till the holidays next month to try again.

 

I was speaking to one of his good friends today, a guy who has known my ex for 10 years, and who is also my friend. We were talking about something else and I casually slipped into the conversation the fact that I missed my ex a lot and had contacted him and that he didn't reply.

 

I said "Maybe I should stop contacting him; he doesn't want anything more to do with me. What do you think?" My friend replied that me and my ex are both his friends so he can't comment. He said it is a decision which I need to take on my own. He didn't say anything more and I didn't push.

 

Maybe it's wishful thinking but does it sound like a positive sign, the fact that his friend didn't say to me something like "Yea, if he's not replying it's probably best to leave him alone"?

 

I mean, what's your deal? You break up with this guy yet you keep harassing him for contact although you don't want to get back together? Why do you think that's acceptable behavior? You hurt your ex and he doesn't want to be your friend. Why can't you take a hint and leave him alone?

 

As for the friend, I agree with the others in that he doesn't want to get involved. He certainly didn't tell you to keep contacting your ex. But in general, you need to stop this behavior. You can't just break up with someone and expect them to be your buddy. That's extremely selfish. Let the dude heal and move on from a situation you caused.

[stillafool]

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after dating for a year. I initiated it because he has a lot of misconceptions about me that he was unwilling to acknowledge. We were speaking for about a month after the BU, and there was a lot of anger from his end. I moved to a new town to do a course which he knew about, and we went 6 weeks with No Contact starting the day I moved. This town is a 2-hour train ride away from home so I come home on weekends.

 

I was the first to break no contact. I was back in my hometown for mid-term break last week which I didn't tell him, instead I sent him a 'How are you' message which he didn't reply to. The week after I sent him an update on an insurance which we were claiming for due to something happening on our summer vacation together. Still no reply. I have decided to stop contacting him and wait till the holidays next month to try again.

 

I was speaking to one of his good friends today, a guy who has known my ex for 10 years, and who is also my friend. We were talking about something else and I casually slipped into the conversation the fact that I missed my ex a lot and had contacted him and that he didn't reply.

 

I said "Maybe I should stop contacting him; he doesn't want anything more to do with me. What do you think?" My friend replied that me and my ex are both his friends so he can't comment. He said it is a decision which I need to take on my own. He didn't say anything more and I didn't push.

 

Maybe it's wishful thinking but does it sound like a positive sign, the fact that his friend didn't say to me something like "Yea, if he's not replying it's probably best to leave him alone"?

 

You are grasping at straws. There is nothing that his friend said that indicated your ex wants contact from you. He won't even answer you back. It is really time to accept the break up and move on as he has. Don't contact him again. If he wants you he will contact you.

[Sweeetie]

I should mention here that his previous ex was also contacting him after she dumped him to meet up and be friends, which he did respond to enthusiastically, even though she was very unfaithful to him during their relationship. She had a boyfriend while she was dating my ex, then she dumped my ex for things 'not working out', and he only found out afterwards through a mutual friend that she had a boyfriend. They also dated for less time than I dated him.

 

Having been faithful to him for a year, I really don't see why it should be different with me. To this day he has his previous ex on Facebook and still talks to her, and he deleted me from Facebook the day after I broke up.

[BC1980]

I should mention here that his previous ex was also contacting him after she dumped him to meet up and be friends, which he did respond to enthusiastically, even though she was very unfaithful to him during their relationship. She had a boyfriend while she was dating my ex, then she dumped my ex for things 'not working out', and he only found out afterwards through a mutual friend that she had a boyfriend. They also dated for less time than I dated him.

 

Having been faithful to him for a year, I really don't see why it should be different with me. To this day he has his previous ex on Facebook and still talks to her, and he deleted me from Facebook the day after I broke up.

 

Why do you care so much about a friendship with him? It's just not going to happen. It's his choice to do what he wants.

[veggirl]

I should mention here that his previous ex was also contacting him after she dumped him to meet up and be friends, which he did respond to enthusiastically, even though she was very unfaithful to him during their relationship. She had a boyfriend while she was dating my ex, then she dumped my ex for things 'not working out', and he only found out afterwards through a mutual friend that she had a boyfriend. They also dated for less time than I dated him.

 

Having been faithful to him for a year, I really don't see why it should be different with me. To this day he has his previous ex on Facebook and still talks to her, and he deleted me from Facebook the day after I broke up.

 

Honestly your bf was never all that into you during your relationship. Your threads about him were all very telling and made that clear. That's why he's not jumping at the chance to be "friends"....imo he is just over it, he doesn't want to deal with it, he's washed his hands of it.

[Sweeetie]

Honestly your bf was never all that into you during your relationship. Your threads about him were all very telling and made that clear. That's why he's not jumping at the chance to be "friends"....imo he is just over it, he doesn't want to deal with it, he's washed his hands of it.

 

Well he did say that I was his true love, that he never loved a girl that much before. He might not have been physically into me but he did love me a lot. That is why it confuses me how he could get so excited to receive messages from his previous ex two months after their breakup, but not from me.

[sooshi]

Sweeetie, I know it's hard not to compare our situation to past situations when we're feeling vulnerable. The reality is that there are many variables in each individual relationship, and sometimes those variables affect us logically and other times not so much.

 

But he's an adult and he gets to make his own choices, just as you do. His choice right now is not to have a friendship with you. That may or may not change. But for as long as he doesn't want to have a friendship with you, it is something you will need to learn to accept.

 

Right now, you need to put the focus on you. Rather than thinking about having a friendship with him, take action to have a friendship with yourself.

[Sweeetie]

Hello all,

 

My ex and I broke up 4 months ago and haven't seen each other for 3 months, ever since I moved to a new town. We dated for a year and I broke up due to him having a lot of misunderstandings about me. No cheating was involved from either end but he has hated me since the breakup. Another friend of his has also moved to a new different town.

 

We are both back in town for the holidays, for a few weeks. This friend organised a little reunion last night for our friendship group. My ex was initially going to go, but when he found out I'm going too he bailed out. I was also feeling nervous before the meetup about how upset I would feel when I saw my ex, knowing he hates me, so one could say I was spared.

 

What do you think the reasons could be for him not turning up?

 

I am also planning on asking my ex to meet for a coffee. Last Christmas was very special because we shared it together, and it would be really nice to see him this Christmas as well. I miss him quite a lot. Would it be a bad idea to ask him?

Edited December 16, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Simon Phoenix]

There could be several reasons he didn't go to the reunion, but I think there's a very good possibility that he has no interest in seeing you. Therefore, I think asking him out for coffee would be completely inappropriate. Just let him be.

[Halcyon]

Hello all,

 

My ex and I broke up 4 months ago and haven't seen each other for 3 months, ever since I moved to a new town. We dated for a year and I broke up due to him having a lot of misunderstandings about me. No cheating was involved from either end but he has hated me since the breakup. Another friend of his has also moved to a new different town.

 

Care to elaborate? Either way it seems he's obviously very pissed off/hurt about whatever this "misunderstanding" was.

 

 

We are both back in town for the holidays, for a few weeks. This friend organised a little reunion last night for our friendship group. My ex was initially going to go, but when he found out I'm going too he bailed out. I was also feeling nervous before the meetup about how upset I would feel when I saw my ex, knowing he hates me, so one could say I was spared.

 

What do you think the reasons could be for him not turning up?

 

Because he is your ex and doesn't want to see you? Most people don't want to see their exes, especially if you ended on a negative note. Hell most people don't want to see their exes if they ended on a positive note.

 

I am also planning on asking my ex to meet for a coffee. Last Christmas was very special because we shared it together, and it would be really nice to see him this Christmas as well. I miss him quite a lot. Would it be a bad idea to ask him?

NO. What are your motivations for asking him out? Doesn't matter how special this time is HE IS YOUR EX. Unless you can tell me the real reason and it's not self centered or insane this is a terrible idea, obviously he is still very pissed about whatever this "misunderstanding" was. Missing him is a terrible reason to ask him out don't give the poor guy any more grief and let him be, he is not your partner anymore you can't lean on him for support.

 

Really why are you so desperate to meet up with your ex for what seems like very silly reasons?

[elaine567]

I broke up due to him having a lot of misunderstandings about me.

As the dumper, you are in a position of power. You made the decision and although I am sure upsetting, you were in control.

He, on the other hand was not in control he felt upset, hopeless and helpless as your relationship dissolved.

In order to survive, that hopelessness turned to anger and hate. No contact will help him immensely.

So whilst you as lady bountiful can extend the hand of friendship to him and feel very little apart from a bit of nostalgic sadness maybe, he is not in that place.

You need to leave him alone

[Sweeetie]

As the dumper, you are in a position of power. You made the decision and although I am sure upsetting, you were in control.

He, on the other hand was not in control he felt upset, hopeless and helpless as your relationship dissolved.

In order to survive, that hopelessness turned to anger and hate. No contact will help him immensely.

So whilst you as lady bountiful can extend the hand of friendship to him and feel very little apart from a bit of nostalgic sadness maybe, he is not in that place.

You need to leave him alone

 

I do feel something as well, that's why I want to see him. I would like us to put our differences aside and have a coffee together, before I go back to the new town where I now live. If he says no, as his coldness towards me these last 4 months suggests, I'll not bother him anymore.

 

I should also add here that his previous ex had a boyfriend while they dated, and he was still very accepting of a friendship after she left him. He found out through a mutual friend the real reason she dumped him. When she asked him to meet up 2 months after BU, he happily went to see her.

Edited December 16, 2014 by Sweeetie

[elaine567]

I do feel something as well, that's why I want to see him. I would like us to put our differences aside and have a coffee together, before I go back to the new town where I now live. If he says no, as his coldness towards me these last 4 months suggests, I'll not bother him anymore.

 

You cannot put your differences aside.

You want to "kiss and make up" so you can feel better as you go to your new town. You want him to think of you as a nice person now.

BUT you are actually being really selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings.

[Halcyon]

I do feel something as well, that's why I want to see him. I would like us to put our differences aside and have a coffee together, before I go back to the new town where I now live. If he says no, as his coldness towards me these last 4 months suggests, I'll not bother him anymore.

 

I should also add here that his previous ex had a boyfriend while they dated, and he was still very accepting of a friendship after she left him. He found out through a mutual friend the real reason she dumped him. When she asked him to meet up 2 months after BU, he happily went to see her.

 

I get the feeling we are not getting the full picture here. I get the feeling you did something that hurt him quite a lot and you are feeling guilty as a result. You wanting to meet him is completely self serving in order to try and get rid of this guilt but you tell yourself it's for him. He clearly does not want to see you, leave him be.

 

Doesn't matter if he's friend with other exes that is his choice not yours. He owes you nothing.

[Light Breeze]

I do feel something as well, that's why I want to see him. I would like us to put our differences aside and have a coffee together, before I go back to the new town where I now live. If he says no, as his coldness towards me these last 4 months suggests, I'll not bother him anymore.

 

I should also add here that his previous ex had a boyfriend while they dated, and he was still very accepting of a friendship after she left him. He found out through a mutual friend the real reason she dumped him. When she asked him to meet up 2 months after BU, he happily went to see her.

 

 

Hi OP,

 

What exactly was wrong about the breakup? Is you ex bitter because you left him? Do you plan on meeting him to just make peace or to see if you want to get back together?

[Chi townD]

I do feel something as well, that's why I want to see him. I would like us to put our differences aside and have a coffee together, before I go back to the new town where I now live. If he says no, as his coldness towards me these last 4 months suggests, I'll not bother him anymore.

 

I should also add here that his previous ex had a boyfriend while they dated, and he was still very accepting of a friendship after she left him. He found out through a mutual friend the real reason she dumped him. When she asked him to meet up 2 months after BU, he happily went to see her.

 

 

Yeah, but that was an entirely different relationship. He might not have been emotionally invested into that other girl than he was to you.

 

 

You have to take that into consideration.

[Diezel]

Selfish dumper is selfish.

 

So he WILLINGLY avoids you even though it's a group of friends and you want to ask him for a coffee? He obviously doesn't want to re-open healing wounds and you want to be even more direct about?

 

Why not just leave him be and live your life. You are fine about it because in a few weeks, you get to go back to your other town and you'll be okay, but he has to stay there and stew in it all over again. He's already putting his differences aside and one of those differences is YOU.

[hockeydan]

I am in speaking terms with my first ex after 3 years of not talking, it took a long time to get there. My most recent ex however, is a different story. I was so in love with her and it really really hurt that she decided to break us up. I would do the same thing your ex is doing, avoiding you at all costs. Unless my ex wants to get back together someday, I really have no desire to see her at all and I will avoid any and all chances to see her if possible. If she were to invite me to coffee to end "on a good note" I would probably ignore it or tell her no. It's not worth opening wounds that I have desperately been trying to stop bleeding and bandage. Anger is also a part of the grieving process, so its natural for him to be feeling this.

 

Leave him be, maybe in a year or two you guys will be at the point where you might speak on friendly terms but don't force it. You will only hurt him more.