No kiss, no flirting and it's past 3 dates?

[Gaeta]

So tonight he had a party at his best friend.

 

He started texting me from there, he had a bit to drink.

 

He text: Why do you like me?

 

I said I would tell him tomorrow, and he kept insisting to tell him now. I played with it a little and said he was being silly and to go back to his friends.

 

Then he asked: Seriously, do you see yourself in a relationship with me?

 

I said I am enjoying my time with him, I am seeing good things, so that makes me want to know him better.

 

He text back: I am sorry I drank and it's not helping....I think you can find a better man than me.

 

I asked: Better how?

 

He text: I lack security.

 

I did not reply to this. It was late and I had company. I don't know what he means by lack security. I want to clear that out tomorrow when he has sobered up.

[54JA]

It's amazing how some people here have such a sharp insight. They knew from the small pieces of information you provided that he has some issues with insecurity. Wow!! I did not see this coming.

 

There is a good news and bad news here. The good news is that it seems like he's really into you. He is at a party with other people, but he is thinking about you.

 

The bad news is that it's confirmed: He is insecure. Texting you drunk and telling you you can find a better man is somewhat childish. It almost seemed like he was fishing for some compliments/self-esteem booster from you by talking negative about himself. You didn't fall for it.

 

I am trying to imagine how I would react in this situation. This is a tough call. But I think I would still give this guy a chance. People tend to get a little emotional when they are drunk. I have gotten like this before. Just because I felt really insecure about myself and "fished" for compliments when I was drunk, doesn't mean I am like this all the time. It was a moment of weakness, and I think many people have done this at some point in their lives. Also, it sounds like he is aware of his insecurity issues (I am assuming that, by "I lack security," he means confidence. You can tell us how he explains it tomorrow!). What I hate the most in insecure men is when they are unwilling to acknowledge that they lack confidence. Instead, they try really hard to impress you by listing their real/imagined strengths, or worse, playing games with you. At least, he's not like that. It's almost like, it takes a very secure man to admit that he is insecure, kinda thing.

 

I'm sure you are gonna get a ton of advice pointing you in an opposite direction (run away!!). I do see their point too. Let us know how things go tomorrow!

[ascendotum]

...... You shouldn't have to work this hard trying to figure it out. It should be easier than this. You shouldn't have to worry about how established or confident you are.

 

I'd say you should pull back a little and dollars to donuts he will either fade back right away, or he'll pull back in a huff and storm off. Maybe that's what he wants all along- to sabatoge it.

 

She's not worried about how established or confident she is. He's the one doing the worrying. Not that her being established is a bad thing, but compared to his fall in financial status it could be. G's cool on it but many other women want to date up not down and he could have experienced this with other women going all quiet on him when they find out. Which will be a case of history repeats for him if G pulls back just after he confessed his reasons for holding back. Her pulling back after the confession is only going to confirm in his mind his reticence at holding his feelings back and he will fade assuming that she has gone off him now. Your outcome is self fulfilling.

[TigerLilly78]

Ekk ok I wont lie here the drunk texting is not good his insecurities might just be a bit deeper then you think to the point of self sabotage even. What I don't get is if he felt this way why be on a dating site to start off with? I mean I understand why but still..

 

Ok now you have a choice here is he worth working thu his issues OP? im the last person to say cut and run cause I think if everything else is decent then its always worth a bit of a effort cause no ones perfect and the grass is not always greener.

 

Who knows once he realizes you are genuine maybe that will give him the confidence he needs to work on his issues. The question is can and do you honestly feel you can deal with things of this nature in the mean time? Cause im sure those drunk text will not be the last of their kind..

[GemmaUK]

Uh oh!

The latest doesn't sound good to me.

 

That doesn't just sound like it's a minor feeling of his current set back due to his divorce being a minor worry if he anticipates that you are expecting expensive nights out. (which I know you are not).

 

It does however sound like a bigger issue.

He didn't say 'I am insecure' it was 'I lack security' which to me sounds like a much stronger way of wording it.

 

Has he told you about his marriage and any other relationships and why they broke down? What does he see as his part of it all for the reasons for the break up?

Is he still friendly with his ex's? Not over friendly but would they say hello and pass the time of day and wish each other well if they bumped into each other (with no children around if he has children)?

I would be watching out for how he refers to his ex's also.

Those would be my main questions when next seeing him. I'd be wanting to know history as a lot can be gleaned from it and from the way he says it.

 

That along with finding out whether he is insecure about more than his current glitch (but honestly, I think there's more to it than just that after what he said).

[BluEyeL]

Doesn't sound good to me either. At all. I predict major headache with him. Personally, I'd let him go now. Nothing to do with no kissing at the third date, although in his case it seems to be because he isn't sure he wants a relationship with you and for some people kissing means you're dating someone, means something, and probably he doesn't want it to be something, or not yet.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He will break your heart.

[MidwestUSA]

The drunk text would have made my decision easy, don't get involved. But I've become pretty hard nosed about that stuff over the years.

[Gaeta]

Uh oh!

Has he told you about his marriage and any other relationships and why they broke down? What does he see as his part of it all for the reasons for the break up?

Is he still friendly with his ex's?

 

He told me they grew apart, wanted different things and a different life style. I did not pry to much. He did summarize to me what the legal battle was about. I don't think they are on speaking terms, he described his divorce as a long and expensive.

 

What ever he told me about his marriage it's his perception. I can't rely too much on that.

[HappyLove]

Is this the one who needed time alone and who's friend wife doesn't like him? Then he disappeared a few days and now is back? If so, he seems like a drama queen. NEXT!

[GemmaUK]

He told me they grew apart, wanted different things and a different life style. I did not pry to much. He did summarize to me what the legal battle was about. I don't think they are on speaking terms, he described his divorce as a long and expensive.

 

What ever he told me about his marriage it's his perception. I can't rely too much on that.

 

I'd be looking for signs of animosity in him about it all.

It clearly wasn't quite the break up he described since the divorce was so long and expensive.

The break up sounds sad but a mutual choice to split.

The actual divorce sounds like there was a whole lot more to it than that to me.

They don't really add up do they?

 

The problem with insecurity in a man is that it can lead to possessive, controlling and even abusive behaviours. They're not 'in control' so they find something they can control or at least try to. It's not nice being on the receiving end even at the possessive level.

Course, these guys also come off as very charming to all and everyone, everyone thinks they are a great guy...except their ex's.

 

I'm not saying he is like that but with him saying he lacks security he may well be.

 

Good luck with your talk but I would be on alert and extra careful in listening to my instincts at this stage.

[Gaeta]

He called and asked if we could continue our conversation. He said alcohol is like an elixir of truth for him and he told me things on text that were never meant to be told.

 

So to summarize our conversation he said his lack of security is only financial. He said he has a big ego and likes to provide for the woman in his life and make sure she has everything she wishes. He's afraid he won't be able to provide what I would like example weekends away and trips and gifts. He elaborated quite bit on it and where he thinks it's coming from. He also knows that need is exaggerated and he needs to find a balance in it.

 

Then I said I have 2 ways of interpreting what he's telling me.

 

A: He's sharing this with me to let me know what is his situation and his fears related to it.

 

or

 

B: He's telling me this because he thinks we should part ways, he's not ready for a relationship, or he doesn't feel I am a good fit for him.

 

He said B never ever crossed his mind. It's definitely because he needed to share his fears with me.

 

After all that was clear I told him his financial situation is not important to me. I also lost everything at his age and I slowly rebuild myself and he will too. I said I don't need to be dined and wined, I don't need trips, I don't dress in brand names, or need to be pampered or showered with gifts. I am a simple woman and I find happiness in simple every day life things (and it's all true). He said....'I found the jackpot'.

 

We're getting together later today.

[HappyLove]

He called and asked if we could continue our conversation. He said alcohol is like an elixir of truth for him and he told me things on text that were never meant to be told.

 

So to summarize our conversation he said his lack of security is only financial. He said he has a big ego and likes to provide for the woman in his life and make sure she has everything she wishes. He's afraid he won't be able to provide what I would like example weekends away and trips and gifts. He elaborated quite bit on it and where he thinks it's coming from. He also knows that need is exaggerated and he needs to find a balance in it.

 

Then I said I have 2 ways of interpreting what he's telling me.

 

A: He's sharing this with me to let me know what is his situation and his fears related to it.

 

or

 

B: He's telling me this because he thinks we should part ways, he's not ready for a relationship, or he doesn't feel I am a good fit for him.

 

He said B never ever crossed his mind. It's definitely because he needed to share his fears with me.

 

After all that was clear I told him his financial situation is not important to me. I also lost everything at his age and I slowly rebuild myself and he will too. I said I don't need to be dined and wined, I don't need trips, I don't dress in brand names, or need to be pampered or showered with gifts. I am a simple woman and I find happiness in simple every day life things (and it's all true). He said....'I found the jackpot'.

 

We're getting together later today.

 

All this of expectations and sharing secrets yet still no first kiss. Kinda like putting the cart before the horse. Hope your date goes well today.

[GemmaUK]

The big ego and lack of security are now both flags to me.

 

He says that alcohol is his elixir of truth.

Makes me wonder why he didn't say 'I can't afford to treat you the way I think you are used to being treated' on his text rather than 'I lack security' or 'I lack financial security'.

 

He might be back tracking G. You gave him the heads up that you are OK not being splashed out on when you last got together.

He may have back tracked for it to be something that you were OK to hear.

You know..the guys who say what she wants to hear rather than the actual truth.

Insecure and controlling men are master manipulators.

 

Don't forget too that as another poster mentioned financial/status type of insecurities can impact on everything for a man and much more so than for a woman.

 

Just, be careful. You've been through a lot so far this year an I don't think anyone on here would want to see you hurt.

 

When you're together keep LS in mind. If he says anything you find odd and may want to post here then question him on it. You're getting to know him so prying isn't really prying..it's finding out what type of person he is.

[SDSweet]

Hmmm....I don't think you really should worry. It's smart to take things slow--rushing into things leads to problems.... Trust me, put the brakes on and he fall in love with you. Just be patient and enjoy the ride...

 

To be honest--there's likely a reason though...so be warned. He could have had his heart broken badly and is afraid to rush into love.... Maybe he has something he needs to tell you--and is worried.... An STD like herpes? Or maybe he was in prison--haha! Seriously, that just happened to my friend! Or maybe something else that's a little sensitive and he's just trying to get to know you first before he lays something truly personal on then line....

 

The older we get in life, the more things there are to discuss...

 

Enjoy the ride and settle in and get to know him. Now's your chance...

[Gaeta]

A quick update here.

 

We did not see each other Sunday, he was too sick from his hang over. As his usual he text and calls each night.

 

I got a little impatient with him. I have invested 4 weeks into this so far so I feel it's time to let it go if he's not genuinely interested.

 

I told him it's been 3 weeks since I saw him, he had been rescheduling our next date over and over for various reasons...should I move on to something else?

 

He said no, he wants to see me unless it's really what I want to move on, he knows a woman like me must have many pretenders.

 

I answer that at this time he's the one I want to see, he said he wants to be seeing me too, but he did not offer a time for a date.

[BluEyeL]

I think he's doing the fade, he wants out. He keeps hinting at how you should date other people. Not setting up another date. Common, you are experienced, you know that this isn't good. And it's not about the kissing. When I want to let someone go, I just let them go, I don't ask them if they wanted to be let go. He still gets an ego stroke from you, and a therapist, you should just move on to one of the other 3 prospects.

[HappyLove]

You haven't seen him in three weeks, he hasn't kissed you, he keeps telling you he's not good enough, he's in his (40's?) and canceling with you because of hangovers.

 

How many red flags do you need?

[Gaeta]

I think he's doing the fade, he wants out. He keeps hinting at how you should date other people. Not setting up another date. Common, you are experienced, you know that this isn't good. And it's not about the kissing. When I want to let someone go, I just let them go, I don't ask them if they wanted to be let go. He still gets an ego stroke from you, and a therapist, you should just move on to one of the other 3 prospects.

 

I know you are right.

 

About the part when you want to let someone go you let them go. I do not wish to let him go, that is why I was open and told him this. I was looking for something to hold on to. He did not give me anything substantial to grab unfortunately.

 

I will continue with my other prospects but none had grabbed my attention like he did. Maybe that can change if this one here is out of the way.

[CaliGypsy]

Him canceling on Sunday would be the end of things for me. He's not making any effort to move forward with this relationship.

 

He hasn't seen you for 3 weeks and he flakes out because he has a hangover? Lame, lame, lame!

[Mascara]

Dating someone shouldn't be this much hard work.

 

All this soul searching and "poor me", I'd be out the door. He's the male equivalent of a drama queen. At this stage, it should still be fun and light and exciting.

[FitChick]

What is that saying, "Let someone go and if they are meant to be yours they will come back" ???

[Gaeta]

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people… the ones who really belong in your life, will come to you. And stay.” ~Will Smith

 

 

So no, I am not going to chase him.

[Zapbasket]

He will break your heart.

 

I signed in just now for the express purpose of agreeing with E.S.'s statement.

 

Yes, people can be insecure. It's just another of our many possible issues. But there is an adult way to address that in a relationship and drunk texting is not one of them. I don't think the issue here is even his insecurity, but his immaturity. He reeks of it and you'll never get a stable, happy relationship out of someone like him.

 

I do not see a happy future for you if you let this continue. Get out now.

 

Sorry, I know it's disappointing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have been there with guys. They express some kind of insecurity/worry/concern that they are not good enough for me in some way. I do my best to be there for them and reassure them. They still end up fading/dumping me.

 

My conclusion is that either they were not sincere and were saying that to let me down easily - I know this guy said it's not the case here but that can't be fully trusted. OR their insecurity runs so deep that no amount of reassuring will fix.

 

Either way, it's a dead end.