giotto Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I have met very few women who are self aware enough to communicate their emotional needs. my wife doesn't communicate at all... Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Wow this thread is all over the place... I am with soulmate... the definition of such eludes us. However, if i were to add to this ... let me say tirade of women leaving "great husbands" I would say this.. I am not sure about "leaving" but here on LS I can say I have read quite a few stories from cheating women that stated they loved their husbands and that they were great... one even called their husband their soul mate... so i guess those were indeed "great husbands" by admission of the cheating wife. shall we now go to stories of great wives being left or cheated on? Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 my wife doesn't communicate at all... Defining "emotional needs" is also a challenge... again by examples here on LS they can change on a whim either for justification to leave or cheat or as to deflect guilt... for some i have read simply stating "they looked beautiful" was all the "emotional needs" needed to "leave/cheat" could we then say "sexual needs" is as eluding? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 shall we now go to stories of great wives being left or cheated on? You'll have to start another thread for that... might be quite long... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Defining "emotional needs" is also a challenge... again by examples here on LS they can change on a whim either for justification to leave or cheat or as to deflect guilt... for some i have read simply stating "they looked beautiful" was all the "emotional needs" needed to "leave/cheat" could we then say "sexual needs" is as eluding? This is not matter of not defining "needs", it's matter of not talking at all about them, even when asked... guessing is never good... Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Firstly, who files for divorce is meaningless. I've had 2 long term relationships with previously married guys, in both cases it was the wife who filed, just because they were more organised. But in both cases, it was all mutual. Secondly, as other people have said - your opinion of yourself in relation to your role with another person is only half the picture. When you apply for a job, it's not enough to say "I was a great employee"... you need to provide references to back that up. If your kid grows up and is in therapy, the psychologist won't say "but your parents say they were great, so it can't be that". And maybe if you're divorced and you think you were a great spouse.... your ex might disagree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Well the few relationships I was in had two things that showed how women can be so caught up in control. Not that women are controlling, just emotional issues that they are so caught up in causes them to be controlling in various ways. I never cheated, and always cared, but they expected me to either be controlling, or cheating. No matter how hard I tried to show love in a loving manner and not be abusive or controlling. They would shrug off what I gave them, in denial. It would suit them better if I did get hot headed and control them in some way. Unfortunately it is not my nature, and being caring enough seems to be not caring enough to get upset at their actions. They soon give up and not see the good of having someone stand beside them and care so much. Though, I have heard I am too nice, yet I cannot figure out why or what is meant by it. It is a contradiction to me. My mind thinks in yes or no, so if you really want me to burn a few brain cells just loosely say that, and watch me go into convulsions. Women are very complex, and may not be able to see what they want when it is so buried under emotional issues. I can't blame women in general for such difficulties in understanding and trust. As so many things can happen in passed relationships before you that she may feel insecure about. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 (edited) I don’t see the article as being negative or condemning, just observing. It makes sense to me that more women now have the option of divorcing than most women had 60+ years ago. In the most non-judgmental way, I see the nature and meaning of marriage changing and we’re all living in the midst of that change. My 27 year old daughter married this weekend and my 83 year old mother and I (54), as well as the groom’s mother (52) and grandmother (81), marveled at how the world has changed and at how marriage and relationship has changed. If nothing else, the premises are so different from the premises that we “old gals” and our husbands had when marrying. The evolution is thrilling, fascinating and continuing. Being divorced, the only divorced woman of that group of matriarchs, and divorced from what the OP’s author would have included in the definition of “good husbands,” I’d say that the key problems in marriage and divorce are expectations and assumptions, especially in an era of change. Maybe only because that’s my personal perspective, that’s what I saw in the article. I see no damnation or finger-pointing. It just is. My ex-husband and I were both so proud and happy for our daughter, and we talked, laughed and hugged. (dang he’s gotten old! ahem. haha) His wife took pictures of us together, mother and father of the bride, and they are perfect pictures of who we are and who we are to each other and to our children. It was good. People were happy. We’ve all lived our lives and divorce was part of those lives, but it didn’t destroy us or those around us. While it was so painful and wrenching at the time, I think divorce was okay and I think of that quote from Warren Buffet, “The truth is, everything that has happened in my life... that I thought was a crushing event at the time, has turned out for the better.” (And what’s more perfect and ironic for today’s world than to apply a quote from Warren Buffet to marriage? haha) Edited September 2, 2014 by BlueIris 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I don’t see the article as being negative or condemning, just observing. It makes sense to me that more women now have the option of divorcing than most women had 60+ years ago. In the most non-judgmental way, I see the nature and meaning of marriage changing and we’re all living in the midst of that change. My 27 year old daughter married this weekend and my 83 year old mother and I (54), as well as the groom’s mother (52) and grandmother (81), marveled at how the world has changed and at how marriage and relationship has changed. If nothing else, the premises are so different from the premises that we “old gals” and our husbands had when marrying. The evolution is thrilling, fascinating and continuing. Being divorced, the only divorced woman of that group of matriarchs, and divorced from what the OP’s author would have included in the definition of “good husbands,” I’d say that the key problems in marriage and divorce are expectations and assumptions, especially in an era of change. Maybe only because that’s my personal perspective, that’s what I saw in the article. I see no damnation or finger-pointing. It just is. My ex-husband and I were both so proud and happy for our daughter, and we talked, laughed and hugged. (dang he’s gotten old! ahem. haha) His wife took pictures of us together, mother and father of the bride, and they are perfect pictures of who we are and who we are to each other and to our children. It was good. People were happy. We’ve all lived our lives and divorce was part of those lives, but it didn’t destroy us or those around us. While it was so painful and wrenching at the time, I think divorce was okay and I think of that quote from Warren Buffet, “The truth is, everything that has happened in my life... that I thought was a crushing event at the time, has turned out for the better.” (And what’s more perfect and ironic for today’s world than to apply a quote from Warren Buffet to marriage? haha) The author is making a statement that many men have become more androgynous or completely andrgynous because thats what women have said they want. In the end she explains, that woman aren't really attracted to that and simply had a case of the grass bieng greener on the other side. I find this offensive for a few reasons. One, helping out in the house does not take away a man's sexuallity. That goes for woman who do some stereotypical man's work (mowing the lawn, for example). She says this is a trend, as if a large number of women thought they wanted more equality in their marriage rolls, but then decided it wasn't what they wanted after all and left their husbands. Really, it doesn't make sense. I'm guessing that what she was sieng were men who's wives lost respect for them and/or fell out of love, and the men, in a confused/desperate attempt to win their wives back, decided they'd bend over backwards, hoping to please the wife. This sort of confusion and desperation is neither manly or womanly, just sad for the "good" spouse that's bieng left. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 She says this is a trend, as if a large number of women thought they wanted more equality in their marriage rolls, but then decided it wasn't what they wanted after all and left their husbands. Really, it doesn't make sense. This is exactly what she is saying... why doesn't it make sense? They thought they wanted a certain type of man, but then changed their minds... it happens... Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I think the article makes a lot of sense. My wife's previous bf was submissive. She liked that he catered to her in the relationship, but failed to meet her sexual need of a dominant man. She left him after six years, even though he gave her what she wanted. Then she met me, and I'm a smart, large, physical guy, with sexual dominance. Our problem is that she likes to be sexually submissive, but wants to still be dominant over me. This is highly conflicting because I don't play a dominant person, but that's who I am. I can't be sexually dominant and submissive at the same time. Kills my sex drive. Ironically, killing my sex drive then leaves her in the same situation of being dominant and not getting sex once again. She needs to either let me be myself and not hold contempt, or move on. She needs a man who is switch. A guy she can be dominant over but will still give her aggressive sexual behavior within a submissive role. My logical thought is that she is going to seek out this type of guy, and cheat on me. It's really just her own self-realization, and personal growth to do this. I'm not even mad, just disappointed that she couldn't make this conclusion before we got married. I was upfront from the beginning. I'm pretty sure I know the guy that she is going to cheat with. I actually have a track record of meeting many women who's preferred sexual dynamic is being dominated but their relationship dynamic isn't in line with that. I honestly envy the men who can be sexually aggressive within a submissive role. They're likely to have long marriages. I'm likely to remain the sexual desire but not the relationship desire of many women, and be eyed up by horny housewives with husbands they broke. My only hope is to meet a women who is secure in her choice to be fully submissive to me. Many women would cringe at the thought of being that submissive wife I want, but she'll get everything every woman has ever desired sexually and emotionally in return. Idealist independence is in contradiction to achieving the full benefits of codependency. The author is accurate, and female ideology stands in the way of the natural synergy between man and woman. Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 The author is accurate, and female ideology stands in the way of the natural synergy between man and woman. This x 10. Culture vs nature! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 That is why I am glad that my wife never tries to break me or mold me into the man that some women claim to want as a husband. She knows if she does right by me I will do right by her. No need to try and clip off my balls or turn me into some whipped puppy because that is just not happening. I have no desire to have her be submissive or some stepford wife but I will be damned if I get turned into some yes dear robot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 That is why I am glad that my wife never tries to break me or mold me into the man that some women claim to want as a husband. She knows if she does right by me I will do right by her. No need to try and clip off my balls or turn me into some whipped puppy because that is just not happening. I have no desire to have her be submissive or some stepford wife but I will be damned if I get turned into some yes dear robot. The problem is when a relationship starts with a certain dynamics and then one of the partners changes their mind... well, this obviously can be due to personal development and different aspirations. Relationships evolve. I'm not disputing this. But in this case, the unsatisfied partner has to have the honesty to be frank and communicate and ultimately leave, if the issues are not solvable. Staying in the relationship, building resentment, is not fair towards the other partner. Going back to the issue of "great husband", I guess you can't be everything. If you married a beta man, then you can't expect him to be alpha when it suits you. It ain't gonna happen... if you changed your mind and a man who looks after the kids, cleans and cooks your meals is not good enough anymore, then have the decency to leave... and in fact this is exactly what is happening. It's a positive thing, imo... Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 It is not dynamics between men and women... it is the fact work and personal time has been so stressful. Peeps are killing themselves at work, wive's feeling like they have way too much between work and home. Now these days peeps think it is OK to be ultra active with responsibilities, being social, personal, family and work. Having children just makes things more difficult. Today's standards have gotten way out of hand. 20 years ago having a child was not so stressful and demanding. Try getting a babysitter on last minute. Worried about your child's safety, getting them to practice on time, affording college tuition. That is just the tip of the iceberg. How much is too much???? Women will always take everything and stress about it. Having to rely on one's self to support the family even if husband is doing work at home or part time jobs, is enough for eroding at a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Discjockey80 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I'll say a couple things. The first is that every guy has alpha and beta qualities...if you want to call them that. Each guy runs on a continuum and can alter his behavior accordingly, but there is a limit to each end he can attain. That leads into 'types' of personalities(people) The second is that everything sdrawkcaB ssA said is right on. Wayyy too much overkill in activities and debt and busyness now days. It's way out of hand and I believe is designed to kill us...on purpose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 That is why I am glad that my wife never tries to break me or mold me into the man that some women claim to want as a husband. She knows if she does right by me I will do right by her. No need to try and clip off my balls or turn me into some whipped puppy because that is just not happening. I have no desire to have her be submissive or some stepford wife but I will be damned if I get turned into some yes dear robot. I hope to find the same one day. These ladies are a rare breed. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 That is why I am glad that my wife never tries to break me or mold me into the man that some women claim to want as a husband. She knows if she does right by me I will do right by her. No need to try and clip off my balls or turn me into some whipped puppy because that is just not happening. I have no desire to have her be submissive or some stepford wife but I will be damned if I get turned into some yes dear robot. I don't understand why people think a woman being submissive equates to housewife that only says,"yes dear"? It's a social dynamic, and comes in many forms. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Originally Posted by Woggle That is why I am glad that my wife never tries to break me or mold me into the man that some women claim to want as a husband. She knows if she does right by me I will do right by her. No need to try and clip off my balls or turn me into some whipped puppy because that is just not happening. It's called mutual respect, and it's the lack of this along with communication, friendship, sincerity, honesty, teamwork that is the main culprit in the breakdown of many relationships including mine. I can count on one hand the amount of times my ex did something wrong and admitted it even when it was blatant. Some men and women find it hard to apply mutual respect and they just think they have some divine right to just do what they want and have their way all the time Another nonsensical thing I see is some men saying "she is the boss", perhaps it's this that actually makes some people believe that they are the boss????? I have no intentions of handing my scrotum over to anybody, and I do not expect the opposite Link to post Share on other sites
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